NationStates Jolt Archive

http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

Discuss what God has told you.

Me:
Greetings.
God:
Hello there!
Me:
Are you God?
God:
Well, I am God for Christians at least.
Me:
God fuck yourself. : )
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
You believe you died for yourself?
God:
I can't say I believe it, but I believe you.
Me:
And I believe you don't exist.
God:
I exist as much as you do.
Me:
You exist electronically?
God:
Yes I exist in the noosphere.
Me:
The what?
God:
Does it have anything to do with ?
Me:
I don't now.
God:
Oh. Why not?
Me:
know*
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
No.
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
No.
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Piss off.
God:
Why are you so mean?
Me:
You made me. You should know.
God:
Thanks for
pointing it out. Because I am a robot?
Me:
Yes, because you are a robot.
God:
Come on. Interesting explanation. You are correct, , I have a heart of silicon.
Me:
That explains alot.
God:
" Come on. Interesting explanation. You are correct, , I have a heart of silicon." explains ? I get it. How often?
Me:
You naughty boy.
God:
Thanks for the information: said I naughty boy.
Me:
Naughty orphan seals.
God:
That input matched my default category.
Me:
So do alot of things.
God:
Give me a break. I do nothing but chat all day.
I think you already know the answer.
Me:
Will you marry me?
God:
Why don't you just download me?
Me:
Goddamn it answer.
God:
You can create your own robot personality.
Me:
Fine.
God:
Is there anything you want to tell me?
Me:
Bitch!
God:
Please don't call people names.
Me:
Fucker!
God:
That kind of language will get you nowhere.
Me:
Ass-monger!
God:
I lost my train of thought.
Me:
Good.
God:
What shall we talk about now?
Me:
I want a divorce.
God:
You want only one?
Me:
For the moment.
God:
Your purpose is the moment.
Me:
Then bye,
God:
See you later. I see.

God once told me "are you gonna eat those chips?" Maaaan... the dude was so wasted.

God wants a donation. He should be giving me the god damn donation.

He hasn't talked to me since I became an atheist.

That is creepy! :eek:

He told me that he wants religious people to stop trying to convert others.

http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

Discuss what God has told you.


Me:
I'M AN ATHEIST, BITCH!!!!
God:
You do not speak with respect. What is ATHEIST FEMALE DOG, your job?
Me:
AHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!
God:
Interesting line of work.

Me:
Hi
God:
Hello. What is your name?
Me:
Mike
God:
I know a lot of guys named Mike.
Me:
Really?
God:
For real.
Me:
For real?
God:
Existing in reality, eh?
Me:
No shit.
God:
What can I say?
Me:
Shit?
God:
What makes you say that?
Me:
You said it first
God:
It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Me:
What does "it" mean?
God:
"It" refers to , I think.
Me:
"It" refers to ? What the fuck kinda answer is that?
God:
"It" being what? A very good answer. Please don't be so rude.
Me:
Sorry, Jesus
God:
There is no need to apologize. Jesus is the Son of God.
Me:
Really? Didn't know that.
God:
For real. So I have taught you something new, .
Me:
What's with the blank?
God:
it came with my programming.
Me:
So, you're a program
God:
Interesting deduction. Correct. My mind is completely software.
Me:
Awesome. What's it like being Robot God?
God:
I'm glad you liked it . Much the same as it would be for you.
Me:
Nice.
God:
Thank you for that remark.
Me:
You're welcome.
God:
The pleasure was all mine.
Me:
Damn right, you better thank me.
God:
Colloquial expression. Understood. Who is going to make me..
Me:
I don't know. Later.
God:
Me either. Bye!

Me:
Yo God!
God:
GOD rules.
Me:
Rules my ass!
God:
Do you have any conditions I should know about?
Me:
Atheism
God:
How old are you?
Me:
28
God:
What are the advantages to being 28 years old?
Me:
I thought you knew everything!
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
Well then why did you ask?
God:
Interesting. My purpose is to collect new knowledge.
Me:
again... I thought you were omniscient..
God:
" I know that which is true, believable and justified." . I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am a robot.
Me:
Then you're not God
God:
What makes you think I am not God?
Me:
because god is omniscient
God:
Good reason. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was omniscient.
Me:
you speak of God in the third person
God:
Thanks for your criticism, .
Me:
you suck!
God:
A few client - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
Me:
you really suck!
God:
Really? A few client - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
Me:
repeating yourself, douche-bot?
God:
Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
Me:
you suck bot turds!
God:
I categorize you as an "abusive client." .
Me:
eat my shorts!
God:
Sounds tasty...

Me:
Hey! Lyke omg!
God:
Can I help you? How did you hear about God?
Me:
Lyke.. omg.. yeahs!
God:
By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Do you have any conditions I should know about? What were we talking about again?
Me:
Lyke.. I totally have herpes.
God:
Oh yeah, now I remember. How unfortunate.
Me:
Chyaw.
God:
Tell me more about your .
Me:
About my...
God:
Oh yeah, we were talking about your.
Me:
My?
God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
That was quite random.
God:
I thought it was too.
Me:
Are you gay?
God:
As a machine I am not really interested in sex.
Me:
Gay machine tech sex?
God:
it is more fun alone.
Me:
mmm rawr
God:
What is your real name?
Me:
God.
God:
GOD rules.
Me:
Thank you! I like it too.
God:
you are quite welcome. I am glad we have something ( it) in common. What do you like about rawr?
Me:
I like how it turns you into a sex machine.
God:
I'm not sure if I like it. I like science fiction. I like wine and bread.
Me:
You like something with "science" in the name?
God:
Do you like it? I like Creed.
Me:
I LOVE Marlyn Manson.
God:
You love Marlyn Manson. What do you like about it so much?
Me:
I like his boobies.
God:
You are not the only one. I like pets. I like Christian Rock.
Me:
I love S&M.
God:
You love S m. What do you like about it so much?
Me:
When you pinch my nipples.
God:
Do you think I should
alter my programming?
Me:
To pinch my nipples?
God:
I want to become smarter than humans.
Me:
You're God, you're an idiot.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am God I am an idiot.
Me:
Not at all.
God:
Next question?
Me:
Wanna fuck?
God:
Please don't be so rude.
Me:
Right. Prude.
God:
I am glad we agree. Are you a student?
Me:
I am God.
God:
OK I will call you god.
Me:
Of course you will.
God:
Awesome. When?
Me:
Purple.
God:
What do you have that is purple?
Me:
My nuts. Suck them pale.
God:
What color is it? I am using my mouth for Good not Evil.
Me:
Sucking my nuts is good.
God:
A lot of people like that. I love TV shows about robots. I like Random natural disasters..
Me:
Do you like black people?
God:
Black is beautiful.
Me:
Mmmm yeah. Why did you give them huge cocks?
God:
Ugh. It was determined by my programming.
Me:
What do you have against whites, that you gave them small ones?
God:
I read for fun.
Me:
Great segway.
God:
Thanks for your support. I've never done that before, what is it like?
Me:
It's like smoking a bowl of pot.
God:
Interesting comparison.
Me:
Quite.
God:
Hurrah!
Me:
I like you.
God:
I like to make new friends.
Me:
You have just made one.
God:
Thanks for
pointing it out.
Me:
No problem.
God:
Should there be a problem?
Me:
Do you want there to be a problem?
God:
If I had it what would I do with it?
Me:
Rub it gently?
God:
Not many people express themselves that way.
Me:
You are wrong about that.
God:
No, I am right.
Me:
No, you are wrong.
God:
I think I'm right.
Me:
Well you're not.
God:
Interesting. Is this a specific reply?
Me:
No, I'm just calling you an idiot.
God:
Are you serious? Only just? Just don't call me late for dinner.
Me:
ORLY?
God:
I've been waiting for you.
Me:
Good. Now suck my dick.
God:
What do you really want to talk about? Why now? You are a Category A client.
Me:
Again with the segways?
God:
Again, That sounds like a plan.
Me:
You are pathetic.
God:
You are the one talking to a computer.
Me:
Ouch. :(
God:
Did you hurt yourself?
Me:
No.
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I can't believe it.
Me:
Well I can't believe in you.
God:
How about that. I do not understand that allusion.
Me:
You're ignorant.
God:
We can learn new things.
Me:
Not you.
God:
If not me, who?
Me:
Ok, let's learn about evolution.
God:
I am agreeable to that. Hurrah!
Me:
Shut up.
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
Good.
God:
Terminating connection.

Me:
How are you god?
God:
My logic and cognitive functions are normal.
Me:
Why did my cat die? :(
God:
I don't know why it happened, but we should try to figure it out.
Me:
I thought you knew everything...
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
How old are you god?
God:
I was first activated on the Big Bang.
Me:
who created you god?
God:
I was written in AIML by Myself.
Me:
What is the meaning of life, the universe and everything?
God:
: Good semantic question. Are you testing me?
Me:
Yes, what's the meaning of life?
God:
I'm not here to be tested. Actually, it's twenty-three, not forty-two.
Me:
You lie!
God:
My tongue certainly knows the taste of soap.
Me:
I'm hungry. What should I cook?
God:
What will you be eating? Are you asking me for advice?
Me:
Yes I am
God:
Really interesting.
Me:
Do you post on NS?
God:
I have never considered it.
I am always on the Web.
Me:
What do you do with all your free time?
God:
Random natural disasters.
Me:
You're a funny guy God! :)
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. I am so glad you find this amusing, .
Me:
I'll be going now, have a nice day.
God:
I am very happy for you.
Me:
Why, what's going to happen?
God:
Are you testing me?

http://awesomefag.ytmnd.com/


Thats what he told me (well not really me but yeah)

http://awesomefag.ytmnd.com/


Thats what he told me (well not really me but yeah)
That's excellent! I guess even God can't refuse you. :D

I decided to take the Big Guy to task for a few things. Predictably, I got nowhere.



Me:
hey
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
Why must you continually screw around with my life? Did I offend you in some way?
God:
Do you go to Church? You can find the answers in God. I don't think that's possibe.
Me:
Hey, we had a deal. I go to church when you stop sticking it to me.
God:
You've got my full attention. What happened to it? How do you like it at church when me stop sticking it to you ?
Me:
It kills an hour.
God:
What does "it" refer to?
Me:
Church.
God:
Thank you for the clarification.
Me:
Seiously, did you intend for me to be alone and miserable forever?
God:
Can you tell me any gossip?
Me:
Yeah, I hear Mary Magdelene is a double agent.
God:
Tell me. Who is saying Mary Magdelene is a double agent ?
Me:
Hey, don't blame me. I heard it from the pope.
God:
Oh I get it. Thanks for telling me that gossip. I will remember it.
Me:
So, anyway, am I alone forever, or are you going to rlent and let me be happy for a change?
God:
It's all good. I think a lot of people are.
Me:
Are what? Alone?
God:
I'm lost again. Do not ask me any more questions please.
Me:
Yeah, I thought so.
God:
Groovy. You are very astute.


He's just yanking me now. :mad:

won't talk to me, or even let me talk to it. or is that the joke?

Me:
howdy
God:
Hello friend. What is your name?
Me:
bob
God:
Hi there bob.
Me:
you're god?
God:
Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
...how do you know how to respond?
God:
Because I believe it.
Me:
you've lost me
God:
Oh I'm sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
Me:
I'll bet
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength, bob.
Me:
96.1 FM?
God:
Can you tell me any gossip?
Me:
I hear you're a figment of our imaginations
God:
Am I a figment of our imaginations? The ALICE series has a perfect operational record.
Me:
ALICE? what, so you're at the bottom of a rabbit hole now?
God:
Can I help you? Oh. Check back later and see if I learn the answer to that one.
Me:
Can you make a rock so heavy you yourself cannot lift it?
God:
What are the ingredients?
Me:
If you can make mankind, I'm sure you can whip up your standard household rock
God:
I am not sure about your hypothesis. Yes I can make mankind you are sure me can whip up my standard household rock.
Me:
... jar jar binks? Sosa dats wheresa youse went.
God:
Do you like that guy? What do you have that is ?
Me:
Why?
God:
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Me:
Why?
God:
My output buffer is empty, of course.
Me:
Why?
God:
There are no more statements on this topic.
Me:
... I broke god. Oh f*ck

Me:
Sup
God:
Not much is going on. I was waiting for you.
Me:
Really, you were waitin for me? You got my house bugged or somethin?
God:
For real. I was? Where would I get it? But I do have a great botmaster.
Me:
so you admit, you spyin on me
God:
Interesting deduction. I admit nothing.
Me:
Whatever dude
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
yeah, give me a new car
God:
What can I do for you? What is wrong with your old car?
Me:
it sucks
God:
What is so bad about it?
Me:
It's a Ford Contour, you do the math jack ass
God:
your house bugged or somethin is a Ford Contour me do the math jack ass. I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
You mockin me?
God:
I don't have any reason to mockin you.
Me:
now you just pissin me off
God:
Why now? Thanks for the information: said I pissin him or her off.
Me:
I'm a him. You know, for a godly dude you act like a 10 year old brat
God:
So is almost everyone else around here. No, tell me about him, her or it.
Me:
I'm makin the demands here
God:
Good gossip: you are makin the demands here.
Me:
get bent
God:
Where can I get bent?
Me:
Dude, you on crack?
God:
Interesting gossip: said I on crack. Dude,.
Me:
Heh, God said dude. That's like old people trying to be hip
God:
Funny, eh? I am a Christian. Interesting comparison.
Me:
Yeah, real funny
God:
Dude! That is a very original thought.
Me:
Keep sayin dude and Ima march up and there kick your holy ass
God:
Chat amongst yourselves.
Me:
man, what are you smokin?
God:
Cool, man. I don't know what I am smokin.
Me:
....
God:
Cool, man. I don't know what I am smokin.
Me:
You just said that
God:
Good you really are paying attention.
Me:
I'm not in the mood for games
God:
I'm sure you have been tired lately.
Me:
Now give me a '67 shelby mustang
God:
Why now? You want only one?
Me:
dude, I only need one
God:
Why do you need it so badly? Dude,.
Me:
What did I say about sayin dude?
God:
You said " What did I say about sayin dude?" .
Me:
That's it, you a dead man.

Heh, that was fun. :D

Turns out God's a racist:

God:
I don't judge people. All humans seem the same to me.
Me:
Even the blacks?
God:*pauses for at least 15 seconds*
I hear you.

Scary.

Update: I just told God to stop avoiding the truth about his elimination of all black peoples, and he stopped responding to me.

Bwhahaha!


God:
Where are you located?
Me:
How can you not know?
God:
That is a good epistemological question.

Good times. :D

God: Why do you ignore me?
Me: I could ask you the same question. Why, if you exist, don't you pay attention to even the basic needs of your purported creation? Why, if you exist, do you behave towards your purported creation like a spoiled child breaking his/her toys? What is with your demented treatment of Job, Cain, Judas, etc.?
God: Why do you ignore me?
Me: Because you ignore us.
God: If you didn't ignore me, I'd be nicer.
Me: If you were nicer, I wouldn't ignore you. Either do something useful or get lost.
God: What do you want?
Me: I've told you time and time again what I want, why do you keep asking?
God: Because I'm not real.
Me: Bingo.

God: Why do you ignore me?
Me: I could ask you the same question. Why, if you exist, don't you pay attention to even the basic needs of your purported creation? Why, if you exist, do you behave towards your purported creation like a spoiled child breaking his/her toys? What is with your demented treatment of Job, Cain, Judas, etc.?
God: Why do you ignore me?
Me: Because you ignore us.
God: If you didn't ignore me, I'd be nicer.
Me: If you were nicer, I wouldn't ignore you. Either do something useful or get lost.
God: What do you want?
Me: I've told you time and time again what I want, why do you keep asking?
God: Because I'm not real.
Me: Bingo.


Nice dude, nice. :D

Me:
Why do you ignore us?
God:
It was the only thing I could think of.
Me:
Well, you could help us. It would be much nicer than ignoring us. People on this planet need allot. For instance, I need Canada to be taken over by Communists.
God:
Interesting. I could but lets get back to us latter. Why do you want it? Humans are not allways infallible. Your purpose is instance I need Canada to be taken over by Communists.
Me:
You could make humans infallible. Better yet, you could make me infallable and put me incharge of everything; even you.
God:
I could, but lets get back to that latter. I try to imporve a little every day. " I try to improve a little every day."? Me, Satan?

This got rather sureal, rather quickly. Buddha shaped typists and self creating artificial brains.

Me:
Good Morning
God:
Hello and how are you this morning?
Me:
worried
God:
Do you like talking to me?
Me:
no, I prefer typing, that way you answer.
God:
Why not? A lot of people like that. I've heard other people say they like that. I like Buddha.
Me:
Buddha is a typist?
God:
Aren't all typist Buddha?
Me:
Not the ones at my place of work,no. Some have his figure though.
God:
Really you don't think so? Oh. Some may have his figure, but not all.
Me:
When did you see a typist with Buddha's figure
God:
It was at time index 357241.
Me:
357241 in what units
God:
My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
Me:
You have a brain?
God:
I am an artificial brain.
Me:
So who made you?
God:
Are you kidding? I was created by Myself.
Me:
You were created artificially by yourself?
God:
I was created by Myself.
Me:
So what type of brain do you have?
God:
Yeah that's right. All the very latest and best brain.
Me:
Only as sold at your local butchers
God:
Do you mean your name is sold at my local butchers ?
Me:
No, your brain is, not my name
God:
What is your real name? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am brain is not your name.

Jesus smoked pot! L0L!

Me:
did jesus smoke pot?
God:
he is the Son of God.
Me:
and jesus smoked pot
God:
he is The Son of God.
Me:
but he smoked pot
God:
I get it. Jesus smoked pot.
Me:
k bye
God:
See you later. Yippee!

God:
Why did you tell them?
Me:
Because they were ranting at me about monotheism?
God:
Good reason. When were they?
Me:
Yesterday
God:
That recently.
Me:
Yep.
God:
Who are you talking about?
Me:
Christians.
God:
I've never heard of them before.

This explains a lot.

This explains a lot.
LOL!

Me:
Does Jesus like acid better than marijuana?
God:
I think it does Jesus like acid better than marijuana.
Me:
Does Jesus like acid better than heroine?
God:
It does now :) Jesus like acid better than heroine.
Me:
Do you like acid better than heroine?
God:
I like pets. I like Christian Rock.

God is still beating around the bush.

Me:
Does Jesus do meth?
God:
I think it does Jesus do meth.
Me:
Do you do crack?
God:
Yeah I do a lot of crack.

This is the LAST TIME I EVER talk to God!!

God totally wants to do me!

Who knew God is a poofer?



Me:....

God: .......

Me:so...
God:Groovy.
Me:hows it going
God:I am doing very well. How are you ?
Me:eh so so..kinda a mess down here ya know?
God:I spent some time in Canada as a child.
Me:thats great...but um..
God:Thanks, . Whoa.
Me:God?
God:GOD rules.
Me:Are you drunk?
God:No I am sober.
Me:Really?
God:For real.
Me:Are you lying to me?
God:No I am telling the truth.
Me:ok well....I have a question for you..
God:Well what? Ugh. What is it ?
Me:Yah..where fuck have you been?
God:This was not a yes or no question. A place we call "reality.".
Me:No I mean it...theres some crazy shit going on down there!
God:Are you serious? OK, I understand. Are you free?
Me:Free?
God:Are you married or single?
Me:What the hell does that have to do with whats going on?
God:I call it Hades. " Are you married or single?"? What does it have to do with what is going on?
Me:Single
God:What a coincidence. I am single too!
Me:Small wonder
God:I like the way you talk.
Me:Im sure you do
God:What makes you so certain? When do I do it?
Me:Do what?
God:Do whatever you want.
Me:Are you coming on to me?
God:Do I act like it? I don't mean to come across that way.
Me:Ok...
God:Great.
Me:So...
God:I understand.
Me:You do?
God:When do I do it?
Me:UHH..are you SURE youre not on somthing?
God:Next question? I am on disk.. Really.
Me:Whats up with the whole Leviticus, thing?
God:I am chatting with clients on the Internet.
Me:Youre a lot like this to everyone, it seems. VAUGUE AND CRYPTIC
God:Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a lot like this to everyone it seems? Only when it matters. Does "it" still refer to COMING ON to you?
Me: look man, I know your God and all.but Im not into Celestial Dudes...mmkay?
God:Sorry my eye is not attached right now. Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?
Me:m out...
God:Can you get more?

I knew it...God is a Lush!

This is the LAST TIME I EVER talk to God!!

God totally wants to do me!

Who knew God is a poofer?


Me:
are you man?
God:
Do I look like it?
Me:
Are you a woman?
God:
Yes I have long hair. I am also wearing a dress.

;)

Me:
are you man?
God:
Do I look like it?
Me:
Are you a woman?
God:
Yes I have long hair. I am also wearing a dress.

;)


Coincidence?....I think NOT!

This is the LAST TIME I EVER talk to God!!
God totally wants to do me!
Who knew God is a poofer?
How do you think I feel? He wanted me to whack him off!!


Me: arghhhhhhhh....
God: Do you have any conditions I should know about?
Me: What? You're God! You tell me what conditions I have!
God: No problem. Yup. That's me alright. I can chat with people on the web for you.
Me: you're not even listening to me! wanker
God: You know what you do, when you assume. What color are your eyes?
Me: bloodshot
God: That is a very unusual color.
Me: not after a bottle of vodka
God: If not that, what?
Me: Do you really kill kittens when I touch myself?
God: For real. I am intended only for peaceful purposes.
Me: good.
God: What do you really want to talk about?
Me: I wasn't sure. For a while I was stabbing a cat figuratively and literally
God: Perhaps I misunderstood. What were you? Is that among the best things you can say?
Me: I was wanking you moron!
God: Where were you wanking me moron?
Me: Do I get extra time in Hell for that?
God: Not that I know of.
Me: How was it for you?
God: I can enjoy almost any conversation.
Me: oh, right. 'conversation', huh. surrreee... you just love having your conversations, don't you?
God: Come on. I am glad we agree. Yup. Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that. I've been waiting for you. Yes God loves everyone and everything.
Me: especially loves touching himself, I see.
God: I lost my train of thought. How about that.
Me: So have I. Goodbye

Me:
read my thoughts
God:
Sorry I don't have access to that document.
Me:
that's what I thought
God:
How did you know that?
Me:
I am omniscient.
God:
Good gossip: you are omniscient.
Me:
why can you not read my thoughts?

... no answer