NationStates Jolt Archive

so, anyone got any tips for forcing yourself to fall out of love with someone?

n.b. enforced seperation not an option, although i know this works cuz it worked for me with someone else before.

Falling out of love? Sure... spend a LOT of time examining every little thing about the person. You are sure to find things you don't like. Obsess about those things until you are sick to your stomach about it.

On the other hand, you might just walk away from the relationship and continue to enjoy the feeling of love without all the other headaches involved in actually BEING in a relationship.

May one inquire about the circumstances here and why you feel the need to force yourself to have a particular emotional response (which is difficult at best to achieve)?

so, anyone got any tips for forcing yourself to fall out of love with someone?

n.b. enforced seperation not an option, although i know this works cuz it worked for me with someone else before.

I've recently been through this. One way: drink and drin k until it goes away. This is not a very good option. I'd recommend not being in contact with the person for a while (assuming you want to stay friends). At some later poimt, you can talk again and you'll think, 'I don't care so much anymore". It's tough, I know. It is a cheesy thing to say, but time does help. For now, you've just got to deal with the feelings.

Falling out of love? Sure... spend a LOT of time examining every little thing about the person. You are sure to find things you don't like. Obsess about those things until you are sick to your stomach about it.

On the other hand, you might just walk away from the relationship and continue to enjoy the feeling of love without all the other headaches involved in actually BEING in a relationship.

May one inquire about the circumstances here and why you feel the need to force yourself to have a particular emotional response (which is difficult at best to achieve)?
ah, you're assuming i'm in a 'relationship' with this person. i'm not. at least i'm not going out with them, nor do i think it would be a good idea as they are one of my best friends. unfortunately i love this person in spite of all the things i don't like about them. or maybe because of them, i'd like to be the one to fix them. except i can't cuz it's just sooooooo inappropriate. and i also happen to be almost everything they don't fancy in a guy, so it wouldn't happen eve if i wanted it to.

I've recently been through this. One way: drink and drin k until it goes away. This is not a very good option. I'd recommend not being in contact with the person for a while (assuming you want to stay friends). At some later poimt, you can talk again and you'll think, 'I don't care so much anymore". It's tough, I know. It is a cheesy thing to say, but time does help. For now, you've just got to deal with the feelings.
well, i've got the beers and the rum. but as i say, seperation isn't an option. mainly because they can't suspect i love them and seperation would require an explanation of some sort especially seeing as i need to be in the same city and neighbourhood as them for at least the next 12 months.

well, i've got the beers and the rum. but as i say, seperation isn't an option. mainly because they can't suspect i love them and seperation would require an explanation of some sort especially seeing as i need to be in the same city and neighbourhood as them for at least the next 12 months.


You're in a tough position, as this person is one of your bestfriend. Is this person already involved?

Time is the only way to really do so. Eventually, you accept that it will not come to pass and the feeling will gradually die out. A rather sad way for love to end, but one that happens to everyone at some point in their life.

ah, you're assuming i'm in a 'relationship' with this person. i'm not. at least i'm not going out with them, nor do i think it would be a good idea as they are one of my best friends. unfortunately i love this person in spite of all the things i don't like about them. or maybe because of them, i'd like to be the one to fix them. except i can't cuz it's just sooooooo inappropriate. and i also happen to be almost everything they don't fancy in a guy, so it wouldn't happen eve if i wanted it to.


Ah. Well, then my best advice is to stop dwelling on it... the old cliche "time heals all wounds" is pretty much your best bet.

I have been in a very similar place, and realized that if I didn't stop obsessing about it, I would drive myself insane, so I learned to just let go and live with it. Some years later I was able to tell the person how I had felt (I was pretty much past it by that time) and it was all ok, as he was my best friend and we could move on past it. But emotions are tricky, and trying to force yourself to feel (or stop feeling) something is not very productive... better to learn how to live with it and not let it take over your life or the relationship (and yes, friendship IS a relationship).

Good luck.

Spend every hour and every day with this person

Hmmm, sometimes it does just take time...
Is there any type of "closure" you can get? Perhaps a blunt friend you can talk to who will make it clear that it isn't going to happen? Or somehow forcing this on yourself? Maybe being formal enough to write down all the reasons to move on?

I'm not necessarily sure this is something you can make happen...

Of course, part of me wants to ask why you don't want to take a chance and see if it possible, but I guess that would a) be prying and b) not be too helpful :p

Either way, I wish you the best, whatever that may be :fluffle:

You're in a tough position, as this person is one of your bestfriend. Is this person already involved?
just recently got out of a long term relationship.

ah, you're assuming i'm in a 'relationship' with this person. i'm not. at least i'm not going out with them, nor do i think it would be a good idea as they are one of my best friends. unfortunately i love this person in spite of all the things i don't like about them. or maybe because of them, i'd like to be the one to fix them. except i can't cuz it's just sooooooo inappropriate. and i also happen to be almost everything they don't fancy in a guy, so it wouldn't happen eve if i wanted it to.

I fell in love with my best friend too. However I can't help you; I married her.

Ah. Well, then my best advice is to stop dwelling on it... the old cliche "time heals all wounds" is pretty much your best bet.

I have been in a very similar place, and realized that if I didn't stop obsessing about it, I would drive myself insane, so I learned to just let go and live with it. Some years later I was able to tell the person how I had felt (I was pretty much past it by that time) and it was all ok, as he was my best friend and we could move on past it. But emotions are tricky, and trying to force yourself to feel (or stop feeling) something is not very productive... better to learn how to live with it and not let it take over your life or the relationship (and yes, friendship IS a relationship).

Good luck.
thanks :). yeh i think time is really my only option. was just hoping someone could provide me with a quick fix i guess :p. i'm not sure i really obsess about it though, it's just whenever they talk about their romantic involvement with anyone else i get such a pang and i feel shit for ages after. it sucks really.

Hmmm, sometimes it does just take time...
Is there any type of "closure" you can get? Perhaps a blunt friend you can talk to who will make it clear that it isn't going to happen? Or somehow forcing this on yourself? Maybe being formal enough to write down all the reasons to move on?

I'm not necessarily sure this is something you can make happen...

Of course, part of me wants to ask why you don't want to take a chance and see if it possible, but I guess that would a) be prying and b) not be too helpful :p

Either way, I wish you the best, whatever that may be :fluffle:
well, unfortunately of all the friends i have they are the bluntest by far. in fact i wouldn't say any of my other friends come close to being blunt. but writing stuff down is a good idea, thanks i will try it :).

and i can't take the chance cuz i know it just can't happen and wouldn't work if it did. i'm just not the right kind of person for them now. maybe a long time in the future but definitely not now.

I fell in love with my best friend too. However I can't help you; I married her.
heh, well you probably had the advantage of her loving you back, no?

Love arises from a combination of two things: Personal Admiration and Emotional Connection. If one is severed, the other will need to be very great indeed to sustain your romantic affliction.

It may be that the person has some obvious character flaws; in which case, focusing on those will bring the admiration down to ground level, leaving you capable of remaining emotionally attached as friends to the other person.

If you're not too fussed about being friends any more, the majority of the work will have been done already.

The alternative, of course, is to find some other standard of admiration or some other emotional tie with which to compare it. Spending time with other friends will often help some, as will looking to the media for other standards of personal excellence.

Hope that helps.

heh, well you probably had the advantage of her loving you back, no?

Yes you're right there; but it still took time.

Love arises from a combination of two things: Personal Admiration and Emotional Connection. If one is severed, the other will need to be very great indeed to sustain your romantic affliction.

It may be that the person has some obvious character flaws; in which case, focusing on those will bring the admiration down to ground level, leaving you capable of remaining emotionally attached as friends to the other person.

If you're not too fussed about being friends any more, the majority of the work will have been done already.

The alternative, of course, is to find some other standard of admiration or some other emotional tie with which to compare it. Spending time with other friends will often help some, as will looking to the media for other standards of personal excellence.

Hope that helps.
indeed it does. thank you :) i will endeavour to find a new standard of admiration. i have one in mind but a potential meeting is a few weeks away at least. i can survive til then i'm sure.