New Foxxinnia
28-07-2006, 01:58
To be honest, I believe that a career as a columnist would be a path I'm most willing to mosey on down. I bet I could easily out columnize most of the American populous at a column-writing competition if one existed. Plus, as a young, White, upper-middle class, male, my voice would resonate the most among the highly sought after 18-35 demographic. Most important of all though is that I have opinions.
You see, you only need three things to be a successful columnist: a firm grasp of the English language, opinions, and an alias that makes you sound too ugly to even be on radio. Not only do I have all that, but I'm also a demagogue! Much like 1-dimensional pundits like Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly I cater so one-sidedly to a certain group that not only will I rope in readership in that group, but I also lasso the opposite side of the political spectrum so they can discuss how stupid I am with their friends at poetry slams. Most importantly though is the fact that each one will be holding a newspaper. Think about the exposure if you choose to syndicate me!
You may be asking, "If you’re a demagogue, who do you cater too?" That the beauty of me, I'm a demagogue to only one person: Myself (second colon used so far. I'm practically an English scholar over here!). My political standing is so out there from the rest of society, people everywhere will read the column, and buy newspapers, so they can read opinions never expressed ever to the outside world, though Knights of the Templar could find me somewhat stale, but how many Templars are there anyways?
Very few, that's right.
I can do more than just write columns for mass consumption based mainly off of hearsay. I can create my own news, and then write a column based off my first-hand account of my news-breaking news. Just think about all the other newspapers that will be begging for that story! And you can forget the middle-man called an 'interviewer' that asks 'questions' to 'interviewees'. Those cost money. I'm a columnist-interviewer, but you only have to pay for the columnist. Interviews with people just slow the system down, and I know the frantic pace the newspaper world runs at; I've seen His Girl Friday. With my system I use my imagination to visualize the interview avoiding it all together. Where are you going to find a great mind like this that can simply know what the interviewee will say without even having to meet the other person?
Nowhere else, that's where.
You don't have to worry about punctuality or quality either. I assure you that I take no drugs of any sort and no performance-enhancing drugs. You won't be getting a fax from me that just says, "BUSH BAD. IRAQ TROOPS HOME," in big, childish, letters drawn with a marker. No you're going to get a article so comprehensive and filled with wit, the pages will ooze quality. And you will get an oozing e-mail every week on the button, I guarantee it. Since I'm not 'up' on 'goofballs' or anything, I have plenty of time to write my dogmatic column for your newspaper.
I can even provide you with a little excerpt from one of my columns: (a third one!)
"Today I sit here at my computer thinking about how I as an individual can help my nation with something as simple to human life as a Dell Dimension desktop computer, a Cable internet connection, and a bag of Doritos, and I ponder different concepts I can devote this week's column to. Perhaps raising taxes to help fund our nation's fumbling economy, or maybe way to get our way out of Iraq faster while leaving a stable, safe nation, but then I figured out the one thing that could help our nation the most: getting rid of Delaware. The most worthless state in the Republic.
I'm not suggesting nuking it or digging a canal around it. I'm suggesting a few simple scenarios for this "First one in, first one out" concept.
no. 1- Retrofit Maryland to encompass Delaware. This simple idea is pretty easy to do, though we may have a hard time convincing the fine citizens of the Great State of Maryland to accept the mediocre residents of the Useless State of Delaware into their ranks. We could make Puerto Rico a state so we could keep the 50 stars on the flag.
no. 2- When a company is having a bad time selling a product one of the first things they do is revamp it, give it some pizzazz, or give it a 'make over'. All the government would have to do is slap a new name like 'the State of Magetix' or 'the State of Delewarez' on the state Capitol building, and throw up a new flag that is bright orange and lime green. This strategy avoids having to disband the government, and is the easiest of the three plans.
no. 3- This one not only is this one befitting the nation, but it benefits the entire world. The plan for this one is to create some hoax that makes Delaware seem like the Jewish Holy Land, like finding the Temple of Solomon under the Dover International Speedway or something. Then all the Jews will move in there and it could become Israel, the Palestinians could have their land back, and we could be rid of a leech on the feet of awesomeness that is America. I could get the Noble Peace Prize! This would also involve making Puerto Rico a state."
Isn't that the best column you've ever read? It most certainly is! I won't expect an immediate response, but if you wait too long The Denver Post or the El Paso Times might pick me up before you. Choose wisely Albuquerque Journal. I'm letting you in on the ground floor of the best columnist the world has ever seen.
Sincerely,
Bass Wolfgang Foxxinnia
You see, you only need three things to be a successful columnist: a firm grasp of the English language, opinions, and an alias that makes you sound too ugly to even be on radio. Not only do I have all that, but I'm also a demagogue! Much like 1-dimensional pundits like Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly I cater so one-sidedly to a certain group that not only will I rope in readership in that group, but I also lasso the opposite side of the political spectrum so they can discuss how stupid I am with their friends at poetry slams. Most importantly though is the fact that each one will be holding a newspaper. Think about the exposure if you choose to syndicate me!
You may be asking, "If you’re a demagogue, who do you cater too?" That the beauty of me, I'm a demagogue to only one person: Myself (second colon used so far. I'm practically an English scholar over here!). My political standing is so out there from the rest of society, people everywhere will read the column, and buy newspapers, so they can read opinions never expressed ever to the outside world, though Knights of the Templar could find me somewhat stale, but how many Templars are there anyways?
Very few, that's right.
I can do more than just write columns for mass consumption based mainly off of hearsay. I can create my own news, and then write a column based off my first-hand account of my news-breaking news. Just think about all the other newspapers that will be begging for that story! And you can forget the middle-man called an 'interviewer' that asks 'questions' to 'interviewees'. Those cost money. I'm a columnist-interviewer, but you only have to pay for the columnist. Interviews with people just slow the system down, and I know the frantic pace the newspaper world runs at; I've seen His Girl Friday. With my system I use my imagination to visualize the interview avoiding it all together. Where are you going to find a great mind like this that can simply know what the interviewee will say without even having to meet the other person?
Nowhere else, that's where.
You don't have to worry about punctuality or quality either. I assure you that I take no drugs of any sort and no performance-enhancing drugs. You won't be getting a fax from me that just says, "BUSH BAD. IRAQ TROOPS HOME," in big, childish, letters drawn with a marker. No you're going to get a article so comprehensive and filled with wit, the pages will ooze quality. And you will get an oozing e-mail every week on the button, I guarantee it. Since I'm not 'up' on 'goofballs' or anything, I have plenty of time to write my dogmatic column for your newspaper.
I can even provide you with a little excerpt from one of my columns: (a third one!)
"Today I sit here at my computer thinking about how I as an individual can help my nation with something as simple to human life as a Dell Dimension desktop computer, a Cable internet connection, and a bag of Doritos, and I ponder different concepts I can devote this week's column to. Perhaps raising taxes to help fund our nation's fumbling economy, or maybe way to get our way out of Iraq faster while leaving a stable, safe nation, but then I figured out the one thing that could help our nation the most: getting rid of Delaware. The most worthless state in the Republic.
I'm not suggesting nuking it or digging a canal around it. I'm suggesting a few simple scenarios for this "First one in, first one out" concept.
no. 1- Retrofit Maryland to encompass Delaware. This simple idea is pretty easy to do, though we may have a hard time convincing the fine citizens of the Great State of Maryland to accept the mediocre residents of the Useless State of Delaware into their ranks. We could make Puerto Rico a state so we could keep the 50 stars on the flag.
no. 2- When a company is having a bad time selling a product one of the first things they do is revamp it, give it some pizzazz, or give it a 'make over'. All the government would have to do is slap a new name like 'the State of Magetix' or 'the State of Delewarez' on the state Capitol building, and throw up a new flag that is bright orange and lime green. This strategy avoids having to disband the government, and is the easiest of the three plans.
no. 3- This one not only is this one befitting the nation, but it benefits the entire world. The plan for this one is to create some hoax that makes Delaware seem like the Jewish Holy Land, like finding the Temple of Solomon under the Dover International Speedway or something. Then all the Jews will move in there and it could become Israel, the Palestinians could have their land back, and we could be rid of a leech on the feet of awesomeness that is America. I could get the Noble Peace Prize! This would also involve making Puerto Rico a state."
Isn't that the best column you've ever read? It most certainly is! I won't expect an immediate response, but if you wait too long The Denver Post or the El Paso Times might pick me up before you. Choose wisely Albuquerque Journal. I'm letting you in on the ground floor of the best columnist the world has ever seen.
Sincerely,
Bass Wolfgang Foxxinnia