NationStates Jolt Archive

Chapter one of "Persephone Skye" is UP! I really want somebody to post a comment, because it is written in a differnet style and POV than I am used to writing, so I need some opinions. But... here yeh goes. (http://www.xanga.com/PersephoneSkye) :)

Chapter one of "Persephone Skye" is UP! I really want somebody to post a comment, because it is written in a differnet style and POV than I am used to writing, so I need some opinions. But... here yeh goes. (http://www.xanga.com/PersephoneSkye) :)

Not bad. It has some good elements to it. I like the conversational and expressive style, as well as the connected musical references that tie the piece together. The plot elements seem a little cliche, but the main character has an interesting personality, which may make up for the plot.

NSG has turned me into a terrible person. I thought of something completely different when I saw the title of the thread. >_>

NSG has turned me into a terrible person. I thought of something completely different when I saw the title of the thread. >_>
LOL:D


I wanna know what Prudence High's mascot is.

NSG has turned me into a terrible person. I thought of something completely different when I saw the title of the thread. >_>
LOL! The first thing I thought is "Well good for you! It's nice to hear that all that stroking paid off!"

LOL:D


I wanna know what Prudence High's mascot is.

A Puritan?

Hi :)

There's a long paragraph about her being "preppy" which I don't get at all. I know I could google the word, but just replace "prep" with "qzkctl" and you'll see what I mean. There's lot of good character detail in that paragraph, but it's just a bit too long and meandering.

I like the teaser about the school mascot. That works for me, makes me look forward to the next chapter. "I’ll surprise you when we get there" is rubbing it in a bit, and feels odd since it refers to the text itself.

Kids from Prudence would have to known to others as "Prudes" surely? :D The name would stick so well, they might even call themselves that. Like the PMS thing :D

Yeah, it is written in a very different style that I am used to writing in. But so far, it's worked. :) I told my friend what the mascot was last night, and there are actually two references in the mascot, that makes it ironic. You've got a bunch of Fundies at this school- :eek:

I've also edited the part where Ginny says "I'll surprise you when we get there"... I changed it to "I'll tell you later", so it wouldn't seem like she knew I was writing her thoughts. :)

Not bad. It has some good elements to it. I like the conversational and expressive style, as well as the connected musical references that tie the piece together. The plot elements seem a little cliche, but the main character has an interesting personality, which may make up for the plot.

Yeah, I know the plot seems a bit over-used, but I had to start with something mundane. I added that paragraph about Ginny trying to be preppy to please her mom, because that is part of the plot later on. I started out with the first day of high school so that it would seem relatively calm and girlish at first, but then be more and more politically charged as it goes on.

LOL! The first thing I thought is "Well good for you! It's nice to hear that all that stroking paid off!"

:eek::p:rolleyes:

You do realize that I'm a teenage girl, right?

:eek::p:rolleyes:

You do realize that I'm a teenage girl, right?

I heard that.
So did the police.

I swear to you all, I thought Darknovae was a guy. Because he/she never said otherwise.

I'm a forty-something male who lives with his mum. Just so we're all completely clear about the basis on which I offer advice. It's not grooming, it's not stalking, it's just plain out "I'm a published writer who offers advice to anyone who will listen, which is almost no-one, since I make almost no sense."

And I do that other thing too. Here goes ...
:sniper: :gundge: :headbang: :D

:eek::p:rolleyes:

You do realize that I'm a teenage girl, right?

Oh, dear. Nope. I didn't realise before now. I'll never make the same mistake again. :)

I see no chapter one. :( Am I looking at the wrong page?

:eek: Do I act that masculine?!?!?! :eek:

I thought I made it clear that I was a girl at some point...

:(

I see no chapter one. :( Am I looking at the wrong page?

Maybe... I'll check for you.

WTF?!?! I clicked the link, and it's not there... I logged in and it was. I'm sorry, I have no clue what went wrong there... :headbang:

Ahhhh I see what I did, I clicked "public" underneath it and thought I'd get a public preview of it, my mistake. :)

I CANT FIND THE PAGE WITH THE CHAPTER ON :headbang:

I CANT FIND THE PAGE WITH THE CHAPTER ON :headbang:

Try clicking the link now, I've just fixed it :)

I have thanks:)

just a little question, how old is an eight grader? 14?15?16?

Ahh, there it is. Would you prefer comments here or on Xanga?

Ahh, there it is. Would you prefer comments here or on Xanga?

On Xanga, but here would be nice.

just a little question, how old is an eight grader? 14?15?16?


13-14, normally.

13-14, normally.

ok cool

The section where Ginny talks about being preppy could use some work. You use the word "prep" far too often, which makes it tiresome to read, in my opinion. Similarly, when she is in the dream sequence and looking out her window, you use the phrase "across the street" twice in the same sentence, which in my opinion should be avoided. Finally, and this may just be a stylistic thing, I think you use ellipses too often. I've never liked them - they slow down the reader a bit, and are usually unnecessary in passages like this.

Overall, though, I liked it. It grabbed my attention enough that I want to know what happens in the next chapter, which is more than I can say for a lot of stories. :)

Chapter one of "Persephone Skye" is UP! I really want somebody to post a comment, because it is written in a differnet style and POV than I am used to writing, so I need some opinions. But... here yeh goes. (http://www.xanga.com/PersephoneSkye) :)

Now... is this the one about the overly protective society or am I missing something?

Now... is this the one about the overly protective society or am I missing something?

Er... sort of. The one about the overly protective society is "Think of the Children!!", and this is the events leadign up to it.