NationStates Jolt Archive

Hi,

My girlfriend is currently pregnant and our little girl is going to be born in October.
Since we found out about the pregnancy in January I've been watching other parents to see how they deal with their children, how they stimulate them, talk to them, etc..
I not impressed. Most of the children seem to have no idea of boundaries, nor do the parents seem to stimulate their intellect.
As with most new parents, I know i'll do a better job:rolleyes: .:p
What i'd like to know, from the other parents/child minders here (looking at you smunkville) are ideas, suggestions to help give my child the best start in life.

Thanks

Play them classical music.

Get married.

Play them classical music.

I've heard about this. Do you happen to know why its more beneficial to play classical music than say... jazz?

I've heard about this. Do you happen to know why its more beneficial to play classical music than say... jazz?
No idea. But my Aunty played Classical music lots when she was pregnant and when they were young. Now at the age of 5, they are doing extremely well at school. Perhaps just coincidence.

Get married.

yes yes. we will down the line. But can explain how this ties in with the first post?

yes yes. we will down the line. But can explain how this ties in with the first post?
You asked how to give the child the best start in life. Repeated studies show that stable, married relationships are the best for children growing up. Therefore, you can join the dots and see that getting married will help you with your goal.

Well, first of all, congratulations. And kudos for your desire to do a good job of parenting.

It's hard to describe "good parenting" in just a few words, but here are a few basic pointers: Read to your child, every day, starting very early. Take him/her for walks, also starting very early - my son's first walk was when he was about 10 days old, in a Baby Bjorn carrier strapped to my chest. (Get a Baby Bjorn. They're fantastic.)

Make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to interact with other children of all ages - if your child is in day care, this won't be much of a problem, but if not (mine isn't) find a play group. Kids the same age are great (it also helps you know how other kids the same age are doing, and you can compare notes with the other parents.) Older kids are great too - my son loves playing with his 6- and 4-year-old cousins (he is 18 months), and every time he does, he seems to take a quantum leap in his development.

At a certain age, your child will start imitating you. (My son is there right now.) So get your child some toys that allow him/her to pretend to be doing what you're doing - toy tools, kitchen implements, and so on. (And also watch what you're doing, because your child will imitate your bad habits too. :eek: )

Most important: Turn off the TV! Get the kid outside! Or playing with toys that require some interaction, not those idiotic electronic toys that seem to be capable of playing themselves. Books, blocks, stuffed animals, musical instruments - all good.

And best of luck!

You asked how to give the child the best start in life. Repeated studies show that stable, married relationships are the best for children growing up. Therefore, you can join the dots and see that getting married will help you with your goal.
Pfft, fuck that.

You asked how to give the child the best start in life. Repeated studies show that stable, married relationships are the best for children growing up. Therefore, you can join the dots and see that getting married will help you with your goal.

This sounds suspiciously like "omg teh family values" stuff the religious right spouts. Have you got a source?
I don't think I'm qualified to give advice on children, since I could technically be a child myself. Also, I was never interested in all the outdoor things. I suggest you read to them a lot. I think that gave me a pretty big head start in school and such, although one doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet. I learned the alphabet by under a year, or so I'm told. [/smug]

This sounds suspiciously like "omg teh family values" stuff the religious right spouts. Have you got a source?
I don't think I'm qualified to give advice on children, since I could technically be a child myself. Also, I was never interested in all the outdoor things. I suggest you read to them a lot. I think that gave me a pretty big head start in school and such, although one doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet. I learned the alphabet by under a year, or so I'm told. [/smug]
http://www.family.org/cforum/fosi/marriage/facts/a0028317.cfm
All things being equal, children with married parents consistently do better in every measure of well-being than their peers who have single, cohabiting, divorced or step-parents, and this is a stronger indicator than parental race, economic or educational status, or neighborhood. The literature on this is broad and strong.

The liberal Center for Law and Social Policy, a child advocacy organization, recently reported “Most researchers now agree that…studies support the notion that, on average, children do best when raised by their two married biological parents…”

Child Trends also reports “An extensive body of research tells us that children do best when they grow up with both biological parents…”

Educational Attainment
Sara McLanahan of Princeton University finds that “regardless of which survey we looked at, children from one-parent families are about twice as likely to drop out of school as children from two-parent families.”

Children from biological two-parent families have, on average, test scores and grade-point averages that are higher, they miss fewer school days, and have greater expectations of attending college than children living with one parent. Additionally, of those from either type of family who do attend college, those from two-parent families are seven to 20 percent more likely to finish college.

Children from divorced homes are 70 percent more likely than those living with biological parents to be expelled or suspended from school. Those living with never-married mothers are twice as likely to be expelled or suspended. Also, children who do not live with both biological parents are 45 to 95 percent more likely to require parent/teacher meetings to deal with performance or behavior problems than those who live with married parents.

Idleness
Young men without married parents are 1.5 times more likely than those with married parents to be out of school and out of work. Young girls without married parents are twice as likely to be idle.

Crime
In A General Theory on Crime, we learn,

“Such family measures as the percentages of the population divorced, the percentages of households headed by women, and the percentage of unattached individuals in the community are among the most powerful predictors of crime rates.”

The Progressive Policy Institute, the research arm of the Democratic Leadership Council, reports that the “relationship between crime and one-parent families” is “so strong that controlling for family configuration erases the relationship between race and crime and between low-income and crime. This conclusion shows up time and again in the literature.”

Physical Health and Mental Well-Being
Two leading scholars on the impact of family configuration upon child health find that single mothers report poorer overall physical health for their children than do mothers in intact marriages, regardless of racial or ethnic status.

Substance Abuse
Regardless of gender, age, family income, race or ethnicity, adolescents not living with a biological mother or father are 50 to 150% more likely to abuse and be dependent on substances and need illicit drug-abuse treatment compared to their peers living with both biological parents.

Talk to your child, about everything.
Today when I was making breakfast, my 3 year old sat on a barstool next to the counter

"we are having eggs today, eggs come from chickens, we have to crack the shell to get the egg out, the shell is there to protect what's inside, *crack* see? there is a clear part, that we call the "white" because when it's cooked it will be white, and then there is a yellow part that we call the yolk, can you see something white?"
"my shirt"
"and something yellow?"
"the bowl"
"great job! now we cracked one egg, but we are making 2 for daddy, 1 for mommy, 2 for you and 2 for your sister, let's count together 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6"
"we have to crack more"
"yep, we need 6 cracked and we already did one, how many more do we need?"
"4?"
"really close"
"5!!"
"yeah, we need 5 more, can you help me count 5 more eggs?"

and so on.

It's like that all the time at our house. You can start talking to them like this before they can even talk. I talked to my girls from birth, in the middle of the night it's how I stayed up to nurse and change diapers, just tell them what you are doing and why, don't worry about if you think a 3 week old can understand how to fix the computer, talk to them anyway, the more words they hear, the more they will learn and a great vocabulary is an asset.


Read to them even when they are so young that you think they can't follow.
Let them see you read, read to them, read anything, let them look at the pictures, talk to them about colors, prepositions, feelings, nouns, verbs, anything you can do to get them interested in the picture, and again, talk to them even if you think they won't follow. If they look confused explain. Make books a "normal thing" in your house.


Always be loving to your child. Remember they are new to the world, you have to show them what it's all about.
In the grand scheme of things, not much matters in life. Kids need guidance, and they need at least 1 (but more if you can swing it) adult that they can trust to talk to them, listen to them, help them and love them.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Keep the above verse in mind when you are dealing with your kids (and their mother).

The father sets the tone for the family, you have to be how you want them to be, treat others as you want to be treated, be someone they can look up to. If you make a mistake own up to it, making mistakes is not wrong as long as you learn from them.

Remember, kids are people they should be treated as such.


As far as the boundries, until a kid is about 3, they have no clue what they are doing as far as right and wrong, so redirection is a good tool. If you don't want them to play with your computer don't set them on the computer desk. If they are playing with the electric outlet, pick them up and move them somewhere else, give them something fun to do. ALWAYS praise good behavior no matter how old they are. Praise them for being kind, for being responsible. If your 2 year old spills their cup, help them clean it up say "oops, we had an accident, will you help me clean it up?" and when they do say "thank you for helping to clean up the mess! you make life easier, you make me happy, I love you"

it sounds cheesy but kids eat it up, love and validation are like water and air to children.

When they get older you can start to set boundries, they will already know what the "good things" to do are, if they mess up, let them know "we don't hit, that isn't loving, lets try to be nice, can you give them a hug and tell them you are sorry?"

Remember kids are people, (heard that before huh?) they have emotions just like everyone else, they get angry, they get hurt, they get sad. It's OK to be angry, but you must show them how to express anger properly. "I know you are angry that you can't have that toy, but we don't throw fits, you can go to your room and come back out when you are ready to talk"

sending them to their room in this instance is not a punishment, you are giving them some time to compose themselves until you two can talk about what happened, never send them to their room when they are in trouble as a punishment.

more later. ;)

Read to them, then get them to read to you, as early as possible. Reading I have found was the best thing my parents did for me. The other is make them inquisitive, never tell them off for asking seemingly stupid questions over and over again. The more of the world they understand the better.

Well, first of all, congratulations. And kudos for your desire to do a good job of parenting.

It's hard to describe "good parenting" in just a few words, but here are a few basic pointers: Read to your child, every day, starting very early. Take him/her for walks, also starting very early - my son's first walk was when he was about 10 days old, in a Baby Bjorn carrier strapped to my chest. (Get a Baby Bjorn. They're fantastic.)

Make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to interact with other children of all ages - if your child is in day care, this won't be much of a problem, but if not (mine isn't) find a play group. Kids the same age are great (it also helps you know how other kids the same age are doing, and you can compare notes with the other parents.) Older kids are great too - my son loves playing with his 6- and 4-year-old cousins (he is 18 months), and every time he does, he seems to take a quantum leap in his development.

At a certain age, your child will start imitating you. (My son is there right now.) So get your child some toys that allow him/her to pretend to be doing what you're doing - toy tools, kitchen implements, and so on. (And also watch what you're doing, because your child will imitate your bad habits too. :eek: )

Most important: Turn off the TV! Get the kid outside! Or playing with toys that require some interaction, not those idiotic electronic toys that seem to be capable of playing themselves. Books, blocks, stuffed animals, musical instruments - all good.

And best of luck!
I'd like to place extra emphasis on the books. Start reading to the child early. And foster a love of it. That'll help immensely. Counting and numbers as well. As little television as possible.

Aalandia']Read to them, then get them to read to you, as early as possible. Reading I have found was the best thing my parents did for me. The other is make them inquisitive, never tell them off for asking seemingly stupid questions over and over again. The more of the world they understand the better.
And that's what I get for not reading the whole page. Good first post, btw.

Play them classical music.

Pfft. Death Metal :)

I've heard about this. Do you happen to know why its more beneficial to play classical music than say... jazz?
classical is supposed to be better, it's supposed to help them with math, and such, but I couldn't put up with it very long, not that I don't like it, but really, it made me sleepy. I played them all types of music, even ones I didn't like, I think music in general is a good thing, but classical is supposed to be best. ;)

This sounds suspiciously like "omg teh family values" stuff the religious right spouts. Have you got a source?
Just because looneys may agree with him, doesn't mean that it must be wrong.

Well, first of all, congratulations. And kudos for your desire to do a good job of parenting.

It's hard to describe "good parenting" in just a few words, but here are a few basic pointers: Read to your child, every day, starting very early. Take him/her for walks, also starting very early - my son's first walk was when he was about 10 days old, in a Baby Bjorn carrier strapped to my chest. (Get a Baby Bjorn. They're fantastic.)

Make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to interact with other children of all ages - if your child is in day care, this won't be much of a problem, but if not (mine isn't) find a play group. Kids the same age are great (it also helps you know how other kids the same age are doing, and you can compare notes with the other parents.) Older kids are great too - my son loves playing with his 6- and 4-year-old cousins (he is 18 months), and every time he does, he seems to take a quantum leap in his development.

At a certain age, your child will start imitating you. (My son is there right now.) So get your child some toys that allow him/her to pretend to be doing what you're doing - toy tools, kitchen implements, and so on. (And also watch what you're doing, because your child will imitate your bad habits too. :eek: )

Most important: Turn off the TV! Get the kid outside! Or playing with toys that require some interaction, not those idiotic electronic toys that seem to be capable of playing themselves. Books, blocks, stuffed animals, musical instruments - all good.

And best of luck!

Thanks, that should not be too much of a problem. Live in the south of spain so the weather will be in my favour, for walks, outside play time, etc...

http://www.family.org/cforum/fosi/marriage/facts/a0028317.cfm

so really be in a stable loving relationship

so really be in a stable loving relationship
there have been studies done that say that without marriage (the actual legal peice of paper) the relationship is less stable, than if they were married.

I am not telling you that you have to get married, but living together is no substitute.

You have to figure out what your reasons for not getting married are, we can't tell you whether or not to get married, or even if it would be better since every situation is different. We can talk in general, but that's not really helpful to a specific situation unless you consider all the factors involved.

Why are you "going to get married down the road" and not now anyway?

just curious.

Talk to your child, about everything.
Today when I was making breakfast, my 3 year old sat on a barstool next to the counter

"we are having eggs today, eggs come from chickens, we have to crack the shell to get the egg out, the shell is there to protect what's inside, *crack* see? there is a clear part, that we call the "white" because when it's cooked it will be white, and then there is a yellow part that we call the yolk, can you see something white?"
"my shirt"
"and something yellow?"
"the bowl"
"great job! now we cracked one egg, but we are making 2 for daddy, 1 for mommy, 2 for you and 2 for your sister, let's count together 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6"
"we have to crack more"
"yep, we need 6 cracked and we already did one, how many more do we need?"
"4?"
"really close"
"5!!"
"yeah, we need 5 more, can you help me count 5 more eggs?"

and so on.

It's like that all the time at our house. You can start talking to them like this before they can even talk. I talked to my girls from birth, in the middle of the night it's how I stayed up to nurse and change diapers, just tell them what you are doing and why, don't worry about if you think a 3 week old can understand how to fix the computer, talk to them anyway, the more words they hear, the more they will learn and a great vocabulary is an asset.


Read to them even when they are so young that you think they can't follow.
Let them see you read, read to them, read anything, let them look at the pictures, talk to them about colors, prepositions, feelings, nouns, verbs, anything you can do to get them interested in the picture, and again, talk to them even if you think they won't follow. If they look confused explain. Make books a "normal thing" in your house.


Always be loving to your child. Remember they are new to the world, you have to show them what it's all about.
In the grand scheme of things, not much matters in life. Kids need guidance, and they need at least 1 (but more if you can swing it) adult that they can trust to talk to them, listen to them, help them and love them.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Keep the above verse in mind when you are dealing with your kids (and their mother).

The father sets the tone for the family, you have to be how you want them to be, treat others as you want to be treated, be someone they can look up to. If you make a mistake own up to it, making mistakes is not wrong as long as you learn from them.

Remember, kids are people they should be treated as such.


As far as the boundries, until a kid is about 3, they have no clue what they are doing as far as right and wrong, so redirection is a good tool. If you don't want them to play with your computer don't set them on the computer desk. If they are playing with the electric outlet, pick them up and move them somewhere else, give them something fun to do. ALWAYS praise good behavior no matter how old they are. Praise them for being kind, for being responsible. If your 2 year old spills their cup, help them clean it up say "oops, we had an accident, will you help me clean it up?" and when they do say "thank you for helping to clean up the mess! you make life easier, you make me happy, I love you"

it sounds cheesy but kids eat it up, love and validation are like water and air to children.

When they get older you can start to set boundries, they will already know what the "good things" to do are, if they mess up, let them know "we don't hit, that isn't loving, lets try to be nice, can you give them a hug and tell them you are sorry?"

Remember kids are people, (heard that before huh?) they have emotions just like everyone else, they get angry, they get hurt, they get sad. It's OK to be angry, but you must show them how to express anger properly. "I know you are angry that you can't have that toy, but we don't throw fits, you can go to your room and come back out when you are ready to talk"

sending them to their room in this instance is not a punishment, you are giving them some time to compose themselves until you two can talk about what happened, never send them to their room when they are in trouble as a punishment.

more later. ;)

keep it coming. thks by the way

there have been studies done that say that without marriage (the actual legal peice of paper) the relationship is less stable, than if they were married.

I am not telling you that you have to get married, but living together is no substitute.

You have to figure out what your reasons for not getting married are, we can't tell you whether or not to get married, or even if it would be better since every situation is different. We can talk in general, but that's not really helpful to a specific situation unless you consider all the factors involved.

Why are you "going to get married down the road" and not now anyway?

just curious.


well i want to propose on our anniversary, 10th of august. marriage would probably be the following year.
The only real constraint at the moment in finances. We bought a property just under a year ago and are in the process of redoing the kitchen & bathroom, which to me takes priority now as a baby will take up these funds after. Also i don't want the dust and mess when we've got a young child in the flat.

well i want to propose on our anniversary, 10th of august. marriage would probably be the following year.
The only real constraint at the moment in finances. We bought a property just under a year ago and are in the process of redoing the kitchen & bathroom, which to me takes priority now as a baby will take up these funds after. Also i don't want the dust and mess when we've got a young child in the flat.
my husband and I didn't have $$ to get married either, we didn't really have a wedding (like the big party type), we are having a "real wedding" on our 10th anniversary.

Make sure she knows when you propose that you want to marry her because you love her and not just because she is pregnant. ;) pregnancy hormones are crazy, and women get their feelings hurt really easy for no discernable reason :p

classical is supposed to be better, it's supposed to help them with math, and such, but I couldn't put up with it very long, not that I don't like it, but really, it made me sleepy. I played them all types of music, even ones I didn't like, I think music in general is a good thing, but classical is supposed to be best. ;)
There are plenty of kinds of music that work well in different ways. One of my parenting books (Be Prepared: A Practical Guide for New Dads, or as I call it, "The Boy Scout Handbook for New Fathers") offered the following tip: young babies are soothed most by music with a strong beat and steady rhythm at about 60 beats per minute. In other words, reggae. :D The book recommends Bob Marley's "Buffalo Soldier" as being nearly ideal. (It works, too.)

One type of music my son gravitated to at an early age was bluegrass. He's particularly fond of old-time reels with a strong fiddle; Jay Ungar was his favorite for months. (It probably doesn't hurt that Molly Mason, Jay Ungar's wife, who sings on most of his albums, has a voice very similar in pitch and tone to my wife's - I think my son thought it was his mommy singing to him.) More recently my son has started to enjoy Ralph Stanley.

But best of all is when he hears live music. My wife often has him sit beside her on the piano bench when she plays. And I play drums myself, which my son is already learning - for an 18-month-old, he has amazing rhythm.

So don't fixate on any type of music as "best" - give your child exposure to all kinds.

Hi,

My girlfriend is currently pregnant and our little girl is going to be born in October.
Since we found out about the pregnancy in January I've been watching other parents to see how they deal with their children, how they stimulate them, talk to them, etc..
I not impressed. Most of the children seem to have no idea of boundaries, nor do the parents seem to stimulate their intellect.
As with most new parents, I know i'll do a better job:rolleyes: .:p
What i'd like to know, from the other parents/child minders here (looking at you smunkville) are ideas, suggestions to help give my child the best start in life.

Thanks

For better or worse, having a child is going to destroy your preconceptions.

It's nothing like you imagine. It seems like everytime you're about to shriek at the top of your lungs and run full-speed into the nearest brick wall, baby gives you a smile that makes it all worthwhile.

They are truly in charge. YOu are their pet, toy and slave all rolled into one. And it's pretty fun. :)

my husband and I didn't have $$ to get married either, we didn't really have a wedding (like the big party type), we are having a "real wedding" on our 10th anniversary.

Make sure she knows when you propose that you want to marry her because you love her and not just because she is pregnant. ;) pregnancy hormones are crazy, and women get their feelings hurt really easy for no discernable reason :p

not a problem. she's knows i intend to stay with her always. But i take your meaning. Women are nuts, and now i'm going to have another one in the home:( . god have mercy on my soul

There are plenty of kinds of music that work well in different ways. One of my parenting books (Be Prepared: A Practical Guide for New Dads, or as I call it, "The Boy Scout Handbook for New Fathers") offered the following tip: young babies are soothed most by music with a strong beat and steady rhythm at about 60 beats per minute. In other words, reggae. :D The book recommends Bob Marley's "Buffalo Soldier" as being nearly ideal. (It works, too.)

One type of music my son gravitated to at an early age was bluegrass. He's particularly fond of old-time reels with a strong fiddle; Jay Ungar was his favorite for months. (It probably doesn't hurt that Molly Mason, Jay Ungar's wife, who sings on most of his albums, has a voice very similar in pitch and tone to my wife's - I think my son thought it was his mommy singing to him.) More recently my son has started to enjoy Ralph Stanley.

But best of all is when he hears live music. My wife often has him sit beside her on the piano bench when she plays. And I play drums myself, which my son is already learning - for an 18-month-old, he has amazing rhythm.

So don't fixate on any type of music as "best" - give your child exposure to all kinds.

well we do like american country. & how can someone not like BOb.

classical is supposed to be better, it's supposed to help them with math, and such, but I couldn't put up with it very long, not that I don't like it, but really, it made me sleepy. I played them all types of music, even ones I didn't like, I think music in general is a good thing, but classical is supposed to be best. ;)


I think it may also depend on the child. I used to scream upon hearing the first few notes of virtually anything by Bach, Mozart, or Beethoven, but I'd calm right down and drift off to sleep the moment my dad put on a Black Sabbath record.

For better or worse, having a child is going to destroy your preconceptions.

It's nothing like you imagine. It seems like everytime you're about to shriek at the top of your lungs and run full-speed into the nearest brick wall, baby gives you a smile that makes it all worthwhile.

They are truly in charge. YOu are their pet, toy and slave all rolled into one. And it's pretty fun. :)

pet's bite
slave's rebel.
BRING IT ON LITTLE BABY!!!!

in terms of music, i think the only kind i'm against is MTV pop.

hell I feel dumber after listening to that tripe. But except for that, country, jazz, classical, reggae seem like a good idea. They tend to..'inspire' emotions.

I think it may also depend on the child. I used to scream upon hearing the first few notes of virtually anything by Bach, Mozart, or Beethoven, but I'd calm right down and drift off to sleep the moment my dad put on a Black Sabbath record.
yeah, Black Sabbath was big around here when my first child was a baby, she loved it, she liked Korn too, and STP and you know like, Operation Ivy, she was all about the bass guitar (still is)

my youngest? she used to like to listen to the Star Wars soundtrack, and the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack.

She still likes to listen to the Star Trek TOS theme.

Also i've been watching a few childrens programs/movies and they also seem... lacking.

What are our opinions on the classics?
thomas the tank engine
postman pat
alice in wonderland (animate/non-animated)
or nay of the old disney films in general

http://www.family.org/cforum/fosi/marriage/facts/a0028317.cfm

He says it sounds like the kind of stuff the religious fringe would say, and you post, as your rebuttal, a link to a Christian website...

yeah, Black Sabbath was big around here when my first child was a baby, she loved it, she liked Korn too, and STP and you know like, Operation Ivy, she was all about the bass guitar (still is)

my youngest? she used to like to listen to the Star Wars soundtrack, and the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack.

She still likes to listen to the Star Trek TOS theme.

I turned 21 this year, and I still doze off for a few minutes when I hear Iron Man. That stuff really sticks with you.

make sure your gf eats nutritious food and try to minimize her stress. a happy mother makes a happier baby.

hold the baby often, talk to him, sing to him.

if you and your gf fight often now, get some kind of councilling that will help you get that under control. an angry house is bad for babies.

dont fall for the notion that some product will make your baby smarter, thats just marketing. no tv show, no software, no baby gym will improve your baby. that requires your attention to the baby and making sure that he gets the kind of experiences that aid in baby development. things like crawling on the floor rather than being put in a playpen or walker. letting him get dirty. exploring his world is how he learns.

drop ALL of your bad habits. you child takes his example directly from you. if you are lazy, he will be lazy. if you do drugs, smoke, drink alcohol, HE will do drugs, smoke, drink alcohol. if you swear, he will swear. there is no "do as i say not as i do" with children. if you want a smart, ambitious child you have to be smart and ambitious.

get married and do what it takes to stay happily married until your child is out of the house.

there have been studies done that say that without marriage (the actual legal peice of paper) the relationship is less stable, than if they were married.

I am not telling you that you have to get married, but living together is no substitute.

You have to figure out what your reasons for not getting married are, we can't tell you whether or not to get married, or even if it would be better since every situation is different. We can talk in general, but that's not really helpful to a specific situation unless you consider all the factors involved.

Why are you "going to get married down the road" and not now anyway?

just curious.

I've seen statistics that say completely the opposite... that two-thirds of all marriages end in divorce, and that divorce is worse for children than the parents never being married.

Most people seem to agree that the important thing is love. One parent. Two. Five. No parents, and living with grandma. Whichever environment gives the most security, and stability... and makes the children feel loved.

Hi,

My girlfriend is currently pregnant and our little girl is going to be born in October.
Since we found out about the pregnancy in January I've been watching other parents to see how they deal with their children, how they stimulate them, talk to them, etc..
I not impressed. Most of the children seem to have no idea of boundaries, nor do the parents seem to stimulate their intellect.
As with most new parents, I know i'll do a better job:rolleyes: .:p
What i'd like to know, from the other parents/child minders here (looking at you smunkville) are ideas, suggestions to help give my child the best start in life.

Thanks
This is very general, and includes things for both infants and older kids.
Play peekaboo.
Talk to them. Point out things and tell them the name. Yes. A million times.
Sing to them.
Read to them. A lot.
Let them manipulate age-appropriate learning toys. The Lamaze toys are excellent, and Discovery.com has a lot of cool stuff.
Don't let them get in front of the boob tube much, even as toddlers.
Play games that encourage them to imitate you (like peekaboo)
Count with them.
Follow up on what you say (with older kids, of course! I'm not suggesting disciplining an infant!). If you tell them, "If you don't stop right now, you're going home," because they are misbehaving... don't give infinite chances. Take them home.

some general baby advice

it's not going to kill you to get up with the baby in the middle of the night, even if you are working full time you can get up with the kid at least for one of the feedings so your partner can sleep maybe 3 or 5 hours at a time, she needs the rest.

If she is nursing your job is to get the baby's diaper changed, get her a glass of ice water, and burp the kid. You are her helper for at least the first 3 weeks, after that you two can figure out how to balance your stuff and her stuff.

She will feel fat after she has the baby, tell her she is beautiful, offer to watch the baby while she takes a shower, let her know that she is important to you (everyone else will focus on the baby, you focus on her and the baby, but her first)

YOU WILL NOT DIE if the baby pukes on you. It's warm and lumpy and gross, and it washes off, don't be afraid........I can assure you the baby will pee, poop, and puke on you within the first week. Even though, it will happen 10 times more to mommy, so don't complain, just wash it off and be happy that it didn't happen to her again. ;)

Ask her daily "what can I do to make your day easier?" and do it! Most of the time it will be something small like "watch the baby so I can take a shower" or "put some laundry in the wash" it won't sound like a huge thing to you, but to her it's everything.

Be loving to her, remember those pregancy hormones? postpartum hormones are worse. She will cry, she won't know why, all you can do is hold her and love her, and make sure she knows you are there for better or worse, through sleepless nights, and being pooped on, that you are there for her 100% no matter what, and that it's okay for her to be however she needs to be. ;)

yeah, Black Sabbath was big around here when my first child was a baby, she loved it, she liked Korn too, and STP and you know like, Operation Ivy, she was all about the bass guitar (still is)

my youngest? she used to like to listen to the Star Wars soundtrack, and the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack.

She still likes to listen to the Star Trek TOS theme.

My little girl was listening to Marilyn Manson, Ministry and Nine Inch Nails from before she was born... but also to things like Kenny G and Enigma... and yes, even some 'real' classical stuff.

My little boy would rebel against the Industrial stuff by kicking mommy inside, but loved girl vocalists like Aimee Mann, Tori Amos, etc... and he still likes that now.

I think the 'advantage' of classical music, is that it is structured so carefully... with repeated listening, baby can pick out different strands of it, and they aren't being too channelled. So - anything that works the same way should work... Enigma, Delirium, Deep Forest, Vangelis, Jean Michel Jarre, Aphex Twin maybe... :)

some general baby advice

it's not going to kill you to get up with the baby in the middle of the night, even if you are working full time you can get up with the kid at least for one of the feedings so your partner can sleep maybe 3 or 5 hours at a time, she needs the rest.

If she is nursing your job is to get the baby's diaper changed, get her a glass of ice water, and burp the kid. You are her helper for at least the first 3 weeks, after that you two can figure out how to balance your stuff and her stuff.

She will feel fat after she has the baby, tell her she is beautiful, offer to watch the baby while she takes a shower, let her know that she is important to you (everyone else will focus on the baby, you focus on her and the baby, but her first)

YOU WILL NOT DIE if the baby pukes on you. It's warm and lumpy and gross, and it washes off, don't be afraid........I can assure you the baby will pee, poop, and puke on you within the first week. Even though, it will happen 10 times more to mommy, so don't complain, just wash it off and be happy that it didn't happen to her again. ;)

Ask her daily "what can I do to make your day easier?" and do it! Most of the time it will be something small like "watch the baby so I can take a shower" or "put some laundry in the wash" it won't sound like a huge thing to you, but to her it's everything.

Be loving to her, remember those pregancy hormones? postpartum hormones are worse. She will cry, she won't know why, all you can do is hold her and love her, and make sure she knows you are there for better or worse, through sleepless nights, and being pooped on, that you are there for her 100% no matter what, and that it's okay for her to be however she needs to be. ;)

ANd get her some ice cream. :)

Pfft, fuck that.
Why are you so dismissive of that? Raising a kid is a hard job -- much easier with two people to split the dirty jobs.

Also, if one's committed enough to have a child, to try and give their child the best intellectual start they can, and one says they intend to get married to the lady in question, why not just do it?

In answer to the classical music question -- probably any softly played music would be just as beneficial -- with all the newness of everything and the fact that infants particularly are hypersensitive to all the new stimulation around them,I would imagine you don't want to startle them with sudden loudnessess.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

My favourite reading. Read it at my cousins wedding last Christmas. :)

I've seen statistics that say completely the opposite... that two-thirds of all marriages end in divorce, and that divorce is worse for children than the parents never being married.

Most people seem to agree that the important thing is love. One parent. Two. Five. No parents, and living with grandma. Whichever environment gives the most security, and stability... and makes the children feel loved.
http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/1999/02/02-12-99tdc/02-12-99dnews-2.asp
http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/cdc.html

from the second link

Divorce is more likely when women marry at a younger age (48% of brides married before age 18 divorce in 10 years, compared to 24% married at age 25 or later), have a lower level of education, come from a single-parent home (12% more likely), were raped (same for all three ethnic groups), suffer from GAD, had a child before marriage or within 7 months of the marriage, and cohabitated before marriage (18% for non-cohabitators versus 24% for cohabitators)

Why are you so dismissive of that? Raising a kid is a hard job -- much easier with two people to split the dirty jobs.

Also, if one's committed enough to have a child, to try and give their child the best intellectual start they can, and one says they intend to get married to the lady in question, why not just do it?

In answer to the classical music question -- probably any softly played music would be just as beneficial -- with all the newness of everything and the fact that infants particularly are hypersensitive to all the new stimulation around them,I would imagine you don't want to startle them with sudden loudnessess.
So dismissive because I was brought up by my Mother by herself.. The only important thing is love. It doesn't matter if the love is coming from one or two people or if they're male, female or both. Personally I'm proud of my upbringing. I've been given every opportunity to excell and in many areas I have. School, sports, socially.

YOU WILL NOT DIE if the baby pukes on you. It's warm and lumpy and gross, and it washes off, don't be afraid........I can assure you the baby will pee, poop, and puke on you within the first week. Even though, it will happen 10 times more to mommy, so don't complain, just wash it off and be happy that it didn't happen to her again. ;)

Unless, of course, you yourself are the primary caregiver, in which case the puke will happen more to you. ;) I'm a stay-at-home dad (free-lance web developer, so I have the luxury), so I've probably changed 90% of my son's diapers. It's no big deal - after the first few days, all a stinky diaper does to you is make you think "Time to change him again!"

And one more piece of advice, this time for your girlfriend. If she has any kind of morphine or opiate-based anaesthetic for the delivery, tell her to be sure to take the stool softeners. My wife had an emergency C-section, and they used a morphine-based anaesthetic. She missed ONE dose of the stool softener after she got home, and seriously regretted it. That's all I'm going to say about it. Just trust me on this one. :eek:

Also i've been watching a few childrens programs/movies and they also seem... lacking.

What are our opinions on the classics?
thomas the tank engine
postman pat
alice in wonderland (animate/non-animated)
or nay of the old disney films in general

I tend to steer clear of most Disney products. The merchandising is too closely tied to the film/programming.

Once they are old enough to enjoy movies (I always try to use movies, not 'regular' TV - because I don't like exposing children to advertising), look for things that will engage visually or audiably, and for things that will engage their brains.

There is a Hallmark-type "Alice in Wonderland" which is pretty good... live action, and a pretty good cast - Martin Short, Robbie Coltrane, Christopher Lloyd, Peter Ustinov, Gene Wilder, Ben Kingsley, Pete Postlethwaite...

"Laryrinth" is a given, as is "The Dark Crystal". "Nightmare Before Christmas" is not a bad choice.

The advantage of "Labyrinth" or "Alice", is that they 'play' with concepts... they give your child room to investigate playing with concepts also. I still pick new things out of "Labyrinth" now.

If you can find it, there is an animated film version of Norton Juster's "The Phantom Tollbooth", also... which is well worth finding.

I'm not convinced that a child alone is enough reason to get married. It may be a big part of the reason, but if it's the only reason, you might be involving yourself in a relationship that will do more harm to you, her and that child than anything else you could do.

The real three questions are:

Do you love her?

Does she complement your strengths and supplement your weaknesses and do you do the same for her?

Can the two of you compromise on your differences and understand those compromises without resentment?

If all three answers are an honest and thought-out 'yes', then you have a lifemate. A little advice; Make sure she knows you WANT to marry HER. A belief that you are marrying her because of the baby is a potential resentment that a new marriage doesn't need.

I'm not convinced that a child alone is enough reason to get married. It may be a bit part of the reason, but if it's the only reason, you might be involving yourself in a relationship that will do more harm to you, her and that child than anything else you could do.

The real three questions are:

Do you love her?

Does she complement your strengths and supplement your weaknesses and do you do the same for her?

Can the two of you compromise on your differences and understand those compromises without resentment?

If all three answers are an honest and thought-out 'yes', then you have a lifemate. A little advice; Make sure she knows you WANT to marry HER. A belief that you are marrying her because of the baby is a potential resentment that a new marriage doesn't need.
Another reason why I was so dismissive of it. It's not essential in raising a good child.

Unless, of course, you yourself are the primary caregiver, in which case the puke will happen more to you. ;) I'm a stay-at-home dad (free-lance web developer, so I have the luxury), so I've probably changed 90% of my son's diapers. It's no big deal - after the first few days, all a stinky diaper does to you is make you think "Time to change him again!"
true, I always forget about the stand up guys who take on the crap (literally) I work from a bad assumption since I am the stay at home mom. LOL

And one more piece of advice, this time for your girlfriend. If she has any kind of morphine or opiate-based anaesthetic for the delivery, tell her to be sure to take the stool softeners. My wife had an emergency C-section, and they used a morphine-based anaesthetic. She missed ONE dose of the stool softener after she got home, and seriously regretted it. That's all I'm going to say about it. Just trust me on this one. :eek:
OMG I forgot about that, it was terrible, I thought I was going to die.

yes, you go buy her the stool softener, make sure she takes it. She will NOT be a happy camper if she doesn't. ;)

Another reason why I was so dismissive of it. It's not essential in raising a good child.

A marriage for the wrong reasons is more damaging to everyone than no marriage at all.

Show your children Thomas the Tank engine, Postman Pat etc at your own peril, they may gain an English accent. I've been told that I have a slight English accent, despite having no English friends or relatives, and the explanation my parents gave was watching lots of English children's TV shows. :cool:

I'm not convinced that a child alone is enough reason to get married. It may be a big part of the reason, but if it's the only reason, you might be involving yourself in a relationship that will do more harm to you, her and that child than anything else you could do.

The real three questions are:

Do you love her?

Does she complement your strengths and supplement your weaknesses and do you do the same for her?

Can the two of you compromise on your differences and understand those compromises without resentment?

If all three answers are an honest and thought-out 'yes', then you have a lifemate. A little advice; Make sure she knows you WANT to marry HER. A belief that you are marrying her because of the baby is a potential resentment that a new marriage doesn't need.

yes
yes
yes
she does.

http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/1999/02/02-12-99tdc/02-12-99dnews-2.asp
http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/cdc.html

from the second link

Just as a note on the second link... it's 'synopsis point' at the end says:

" It's better for your relationship to be educated, religious, living in a good neighborhood, from a two parent home, and never raped, and have no children".

It says the home should have two parents. Not that they should be married.

A marriage for the wrong reasons is more damaging to everyone than no marriage at all.
Quoted for pure truth.

If my parents had married just because I was conceived.. Well I shudder to think of what my life would be like. Not as good as it is though. I'm sure of that.

Show your children Thomas the Tank engine, Postman Pat etc at your own peril, they may gain an English accent. I've been told that I have a slight English accent, despite having no English friends or relatives, and the explanation my parents gave was watching lots of English children's TV shows. :cool:

i'm british/spanish and she's norwegian. So if she has a english accent all the better.

Quoted for pure truth.

If my parents had married just because I was conceived.. Well I shudder to think of what my life would be like. Not as good as it is though. I'm sure of that.

My wife's blood test for our marriage license revealed her pregancy. :)

My wife's blood test for our marriage license revealed her pregancy. :)

why have i got a feeling your dutch?

why have i got a feeling your dutch?

I've often been IN Dutch.

Sometimes I GO Dutch.

But I'm not dutch. :p

Some random musings – most for when your baby is a little older (full disclosure: my kids are 7 and 4)

Let them play in the rain, let them make mudcakes, let them touch frogs. Kids are like plants. They need sun, water and dirt to grow. They will get dirt in places on their body where you didn’t think dirt could possibly get on a clothed huma body. Let them do it; they will naturally become inquisitive. They’re very washable little creatures, and there are few things that a bit of laundry detergent can’t take care of in the washing machine.

My kids have more toys than I could possible imagine any kids needing (I was the first of my friends or family to have kids, so they get showered with stuff, despite my protests) What do they actually play with? The stuff in the arts and crafts drawers, the magnifying glasses, building materials, and dress up clothes. I do some of my best gift shopping for them in office supply stores. Oh, and my son and daughter play with the same toys. They don't have "boy" and "girl" toys.

Simple is good. I have a pool and what do they really, honestly, think is cool? Running through the sprinkler or water fights with the garden hose.

When they ask you “Why?” or “How?” don’t answer them right off the bat and show them how smart you are. Respond with “What do you think?” Let them use their imagination. You will be amazed at how perceptive they are and by questioning them a little bit, how much they can figure out on their own. It’s instills confidence. And don’t sweat the age appropriate issues. I figure that if they’re old enough to ask, they’re old enough to know.

Take them out to eat. Teach them, from as young as possible, what acceptable behavior in public is. If they have a melt down, leave, don’t make things miserable for the other people there, but they don’t learn to behave properly by staying home all the time. On that note, at home eat dinner at a table and expect that people stay seated for the duration of the meal, ask for things nicely, and help set the table and clean up. Even a 2 year can put napkins on the table. They like to have grown up type jobs.

Be silly. Make up funny rhyming words, tickle them to the point of exhaustion, dance in your underwear, read books in silly voices. Let them play with shaving cream in the tub. Encourage their sense of humor.

In addition to reading to them daily, encourage them to “write” too. When they draw a picture, ask them to describe what it’s about and write it on the back. When they tell you stories, write them down verbatim, and read them back to them.

Get them away from the TV. It’s child crack. I don’t really mean that – there’s some good stuff on and watching something together once in a while is not going to kill anyone. A lazy rainy Saturday afternoon with popcorn and blankets and a movie is great. Daily episodes of Barney or Veggie Tales are evil. The show Thomas is okay, but getting train tracks and playing trains is even better.

Show your kids that you love them and that you love each other. Do whatever makes your family a happy place. The marriage can be a celebration of the love and family you create. Proclaiming the commitment is there doesn’t make it real – living it does.

Finally my last bit of advice is this. When you are going to have a kid, there’s always someone willing to give you all the answers, all the advice, always willing to explain what you’re doing wrong. Learn to smile and nod. Read whatever you can, listen to it all, and then trust you gut and learn what to ignore. Parents can be perfectly intolerable when it comes to telling you how wonderful their kids are because of their exceptional parenting skills. :)

Show your children Thomas the Tank engine, Postman Pat etc at your own peril, they may gain an English accent. I've been told that I have a slight English accent, despite having no English friends or relatives, and the explanation my parents gave was watching lots of English children's TV shows. :cool:

First off: and this is bad how?
Secondly -- most people would lose the accent or it would become very very faint-- after all, you sound like your environment. I assume you're not still watching them? ;)

Quoted for pure truth.

If my parents had married just because I was conceived.. Well I shudder to think of what my life would be like. Not as good as it is though. I'm sure of that.

No one is saying Cullon should marry her because she's pregnant.
What we're saying is that if he loves her and wants to marry her, and she feels the same, what's the holdup? ;)

No one is saying Cullon should marry her because she's pregnant.
What we're saying is that if he loves her and wants to marry her, and she feels the same, what's the holdup? ;)

Good point. :)

Get married.
:rolleyes:

Some random musings – most for when your baby is a little older (full disclosure: my kids are 7 and 4)
<snip>


excellent advice!

snip

awwww. nicely said:)

awwww. nicely said:)

:)

hope something in there is useful to you!

one last little thing i forgot to include...

above all else, have fun. being a parent is stressful, it’s a lot of work, it’s terrifying and thrilling and loving and tear your hair out insanity all the same time. but believe me, when you really pay attention, it is truly fascinating to watch the developmental changes a kid goes through. i am endlessly in awe of how interesting my little monsters can be. ;)

No one is saying Cullon should marry her because she's pregnant.
Are you sure thats not what Philosophy was saying? Because at that time, Cullon had no stated that he loved her and all that other jazz. His first reply was 'Get married.' as if that was the thing which would help the baby.

What we're saying is that if he loves her and wants to marry her, and she feels the same, what's the holdup? ;)
I agree completly with that! They should get married straight away :p

i'm actually looking forward to it.

I agree completly with that! They should get married straight away :p


in time.