NationStates Jolt Archive

I've been best friends with this girl, I'll call her Lady, for over six years. We've been through thick and thin together. We were both unhappy during adolescence and kept each other from hurting ourselves or doing anything incredibly stupid.

Senior year of highschool, though, we started to grow apart. She has an awful homelife, but she has refused to take advantage of opportunities to change her situation.

The cycle has continued with boyfriends who have been consistently 3-7 years older than her, do not have jobs, and are not enrolled in college. Her mother was an alcoholic. In middle school, she told me she'd never drink, since she saw what it had done to her mother. But instead of learning from her mother's mistakes, she is now following in her misguided and dangerous footsteps. A few weeks ago she went on her own to California, leaving her family and friend frantic, and calling me. She had given me no information. She is headed for danger, and I am worried she will bring those who care most about her down with her.

So, my question is, what do I do? My parents say to stay away from her. And I will not have any part of her bull. She is too old to pull stunts like this. But at the same time, I feel like its wrong for me to stand by and watch as my once best friend spirals into a pattern of destruction that will only cause harm to herself and others. She is becoming the mother she despised for so long.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or how I can help? Has anyone else had trouble dealing with a very dear, close friend that they had grown up and experienced so much of life with growing apart?

You can't save her. All you can do is decide whether it's hurting her more for you to be around or not.

There isn't a fail safe test to see either. If it were my friend I would sit down with her, and tell her

"I love you and I hate to see you hurting like this, you are so much better than what you are doing, you need help, and I will be here when you are ready to get it, but I am not going to hang around and watch you ruin your life"

but then again, I am pretty tough love. ;)

I have mucho experiance on this...but the things I gotta say aren't nice or pretty.

Here it is, summed up:

You can't fix a broken and sinking ship. If she dates losers chances are her standards are so low...well, walk away man. On second thought, RUN away!

You can't save her. All you can do is decide whether it's hurting her more for you to be around or not.

There isn't a fail safe test to see either. If it were my friend I would sit down with her, and tell her

"I love you and I hate to see you hurting like this, you are so much better than what you are doing, you need help, and I will be here when you are ready to get it, but I am not going to hang around and watch you ruin your life"

but then again, I am pretty tough love. ;)

Yep...true words.

I have had to learn that lesson the hard way. It sucks, firsthand experiance.

You can't save her. All you can do is decide whether it's hurting her more for you to be around or not.

There isn't a fail safe test to see either. If it were my friend I would sit down with her, and tell her

"I love you and I hate to see you hurting like this, you are so much better than what you are doing, you need help, and I will be here when you are ready to get it, but I am not going to hang around and watch you ruin your life"

but then again, I am pretty tough love. ;)
I think that might be what I need to do. Its just nice to hear someone else tell me its the right thing. Thanks, Smunkee and DM.

Even though I know you are correct, but I know how hard it will be for me to remove myself from her when she so obviously needs help. Intellectually I know she has to help herself. Emotionally, though....

Smunkeeville's advice is correct.

Show her you really care about her and want her to have a good life, but make sure that she knows that you won't support her bad behavior that just harms her.

I'll be having a similar talk with a friend of mine shortly. :(

You won't change her; it's a waste of time. Simply move on and put it out of your mind.

You won't change her; it's a waste of time. Simply move on and put it out of your mind.

Unfortuanately that'll probably eat at his conscience (I hate that) so maybe not the best idea. And also if/when (hope for the latter) she decides to change it'll help knowing he'll be there for her.

Unfortuanately that'll probably eat at his conscience (I hate that) so maybe not the best idea. And also if/when (hope for the latter) she decides to change it'll help knowing he'll be there for her.
I don't know... by the sounds of it, she's been doing this for awhile, and probably won't change. Maybe it's just because I'm cynical, but I think you should talk to her and break off the friendship. No use pouring more energy and loosing more sleep over it. :(

And yes, I had a friend like this. She didn't run away to california, but yea about everything else fits.

Here's the thing-we get a lot of people fleeing to California. It's our fault, really-and audiences. We make a lot of stories about people escaping to California. People seem to miss the part where that incredible journey is actually a giant crushing hassle and the stuff that was really needed was at home. Gilgamesh kinda of deal. Nothing new under the sun...anyway...

It's not so easy to just move out here and hang. Sure, you can get by for a while. The temperate climate makes being a gutterpunk seem doable. But after a while of doing our drugs and hanging in our streets it becomes clear that it's a lot harder to live that fantasy life than it is to just stay at home and do something. It's expensive out here and too many people fighting for the crumbs who are better at it.

This California dream is likely to end itself without you having to do much.

This California dream is likely to end itself without you having to do much.
She's already gone to California, and she plans on returning for classes in September. But this is simply the straw on the proverbial camel's back. By fleeing to CA, she left friends worried sick about her. And we deserve better than that. It doesn't help that she's been dating losers who can't offer her anything except sex and drugs, shes been using alcohol (I am not about to get on a high horse, but her mother was an alcoholic. She knows that increases her risk of becoming an alcoholic, not to mention that she uses it as an escape), and smoking (cigarrettes and pot, at very least). She may or may not be into harder drugs. She wouldn't tell me, because she know how I would react.

I really don't know what to tell you. My first thought would be yes, stay with her, but then again, the way you put it it's like trying to save a terminally ill patient. I say do what you feel is best.

You cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved, all that will happen, is they'll drown you with them