NationStates Jolt Archive

Right follows is the first song I have ever written Go through it telling me what you like about it, hate about it, how it could be improved etc etc..

The Season Of Falling Leaves

The summer is gone
The children groan
And people just move on
But to me the world sits still

Chorus

In the season of falling leaves
You left me for someone else
In the season of falling leaves
Your love just seemed to die
I thought we were happy
I thought we were well
But in the end you left me
In the season of falling leaves

And now the world seems on fire
My emotions run higher
And everyday passes the same as before
But still you seem to call

Chorus
In the season of falling leaves
You left me for someone else
In the season of falling leaves
Your love just seemed to die
I thought we were happy
I thought we were well
But in the end you left me
In the season of falling leaves

And now I move on with my life
My hours longer and the day busy
To me you are now a distant memory
I am happier and over you
So I say goodbye to my past and you

Chorus
In the season of falling leaves
You left me for someone else
In the season of falling leaves
Your love just seemed to die
I thought we were happy
I thought we were well
But in the end you left me
In the season of falling leaves
The season of falling leaves..

What I hate about it - the whiney sentimentality.

What I like about it - you haven't made it all rhyme, which is nice.

How it could be improved - make it less self-pitying ffs.

Too many words.

What you need is some primal screaming, take out the stuff about nature, unless it's on fire, the bit with children, too sentimental, add "... of Satan" to that bit or something, and you are going to need some fucking dense guitar riffs.

Then you're onto a winner.

Less self pitying.. That could work. I just started randomly humming a tune and these words started coming into my head so I thought I should write it down and ask people about it. So where better to ask than NSGeneral

Oh yeah, and the title needs to change. "The Season of Dying Hope" or whatever. Or just "The Season of Death", but make sure you draw the last bit out:

# The Season of DEEEEEEAAAAATH!!! #

*Snare drum flies into the mosh pit*

You get the idea.

what style of song is it? I am trying to figure it out, but the rhythm seems off no matter how I try to do it.

also I don't like the title, it's too long, try to figure out one word that sums up the feeling for the song, then try to figure out a title that way. ;)

Sounds like emo music. Just say no. Make it more punk/ heavy metal or something.

Right follows is the first song I have ever written Go through it telling me what you like about it, hate about it, how it could be improved etc etc..


Not bad at all. It shows promise. Though as a rule, I loathe melodrama in all its' forms, I quite liked the imagery of the falling leaves and it's use as an allegory for the ending of a relationship. All the end of a relationship poems I had ever written tended to be more catty than that. How do you ever maintain that level of detachment after the fact?

I take the opposite tack of other people. They said to make it less sentimental, I say make it more so. Change the 3rd verse so that instead of getting over the person you end up dying or horribly burned.

Oh yeah, and the title needs to change. "The Season of Dying Hope" or whatever. Or just "The Season of Death", but make sure you draw the last bit out:

# The Season of DEEEEEEAAAAATH!!! #

*Snare drum flies into the mosh pit*

You get the idea.

You need help, TG. LOL! :D

Not emo music. Not at all. I imagine it either as Indie/Soft Rock or even country

Not emo music. Not at all. I imagine it either as Indie/Soft Rock or even country
Banjos?

Or not :D

I just imagine it accompanied by guitar (acoustic) or something

Or not :D

I just imagine it accompanied by guitar (acoustic) or something
So...no banjos? Because banjos should be burned.
I like the idea of acoustic.

So...no banjos? Because banjos should be burned.
I like the idea of acoustic.
uh.......no banjos rock (when played correctly)

and yeah I see it more of an acoustic folk song than anything, I can get it that way..it makes more sense.

Or not :D

I just imagine it accompanied by guitar (acoustic) or something
Argh and also aiee...

Just repeat this in your brain - Coldplay are shite, James Blunt is shite, Embrace are shite and trying to be like one of these 'artists' will make you something you never want to be.

Thanks.

uh.......no banjos rock (when played correctly)

and yeah I see it more of an acoustic folk song than anything, I can get it that way..it makes more sense.
I see it as a Tim McGraw sounding thing...is that good?
Banjos :mp5: :sniper: :mad: :gundge: :mad:

Argh and also aiee...

Just repeat this in your brain - Coldplay are shite, James Blunt is shite, Embrace are shite and trying to be like one of these 'artists' will make you something you never want to be.

Thanks.

I agree totally. Okay how do you hear it in your mind?

I see it as a Tim McGraw sounding thing...is that good?
Banjos :mp5: :sniper: :mad: :gundge: :mad:
Banjos have nothing to do with country music, I hate country music and still can play the banjo.

Do you think that any instrument used by a country artist is a country instrument? maybe we should get rid of drums, and bass, and electric guitar, and acoustic guitar, and violins and cellos and............ect. til I pass out.

Right follows is the first song I have ever written Go through it telling me what you like about it, hate about it, how it could be improved etc etc..

The Season Of Falling Leaves

The summer is gone
The children groan
And people just move on
But to me the world sits still

Chorus

In the season of falling leaves
You left me for someone else
In the season of falling leaves
Your love just seemed to die
I thought we were happy
I thought we were well
But in the end you left me
In the season of falling leaves

And now the world seems on fire
My emotions run higher
And everyday passes the same as before
But still you seem to call

Chorus
In the season of falling leaves
You left me for someone else
In the season of falling leaves
Your love just seemed to die
I thought we were happy
I thought we were well
But in the end you left me
In the season of falling leaves

And now I move on with my life
My hours longer and the day busy
To me you are now a distant memory
I am happier and over you
So I say goodbye to my past and you

Chorus
In the season of falling leaves
You left me for someone else
In the season of falling leaves
Your love just seemed to die
I thought we were happy
I thought we were well
But in the end you left me
In the season of falling leaves
The season of falling leaves..

I like it. The imagery is there. You can sense your feelings. The verses are a bit short so it makes the story unfold a little too quickly and to great a portion of the song dedicated to chorus, but otherwise it's decent. If you find the right music for it, I think it would work. All in all, it's an impressive first shot.

Go post it on some music forums if you want some real constructive critiscism

I agree totally. Okay how do you hear it in your mind?
Like some kind of twee track that people who like the shittier end of britpop are into.

Oh yeah, and the title needs to change. "The Season of Dying Hope" or whatever. Or just "The Season of Death", but make sure you draw the last bit out:

# The Season of DEEEEEEAAAAATH!!! #

*Snare drum flies into the mosh pit*

You get the idea.
You're the darkest mod ever.

I like it. The imagery is there. You can sense your feelings. The verses are a bit short so it makes the story unfold a little too quickly and to great a portion of the song dedicated to chorus, but otherwise it's decent. If you find the right music for it, I think it would work. All in all, it's an impressive first shot.

Thanks. I'm thinking of lengthning the verses or adding some more.

Go post it on some music forums if you want some real constructive critiscism

I could have but I really cannot be bothered to sign up on another forum.

Cheer the fuck up perhaps?:D

Not bad actually.

Cheer? Up?/ what is this strange contraption!! *Head kerplodes* :D