NationStates Jolt Archive

So, this is a topic I haven't seen discussed much on NationStates. In fact, I'm not sure that I've ever seen a thread on it. It's something that's been on my mind in the past few days, so I thought I'd start a thread. Any discussion on it is relevant, as far as I am concerned.

Anyways, I'll start with the reason this is a topic for me right now. My father is an alcoholic. Has been as long as I've known him, I suppose, although I didn't realize it as a young child. He always drank, and I'm probably very lucky too be alive, considering how often he drove us around as children - often inebriated. There were peaks and valleys in drinking over the years -the peaks usually involving some pretty major problems in our family. It was on one peak, which also included use of other drugs, when my parents divorced. All things considered, this was probably best for my mother, my brother, and I.

He hadn't quite hit his own rock bottom yet (I generally say he hit rock bottom and started digging). He continued drinking straight through 5 DUI's and a huge accident. He went to jail for about 6 months and then got released to a halfway house, where he screwed up. He ran accross the country to family. It wasn't until he had been kicked out of his sister's house and his parent's house that he finally realized he had a problem and voluntarily went into rehab. (I'm fairly certain involuntary rehab simply doesn't work). That is where he met his current girlfriend, and they've been together for a long time now - generally reinforcing the drive to stay sober in each other.

However, I just got news that my father has rechecked himself into rehab. My grandfather died of cancer last year, and it was apparently while he was still in treatments that my father started drinking again. It was a little at first, but began to ramp up. He hid it, just as he did when I was younger. I had no idea he was even drinking until just the other day, even though it has been over a year. (Of course, I haven't seen him in most of that time, or it may have become evident). Things finally got too bad, I suppose, and now he is back in rehab.

The thing is, I know I should be proud of him. He realized it himself this time, and didn't have to lose job, family, etc. to figure it out. But part of me is really angry instead. How could he start drinking again when he knows what it does to him? And the fact that he is hiding it from me, even now, angers me as well. Were it not for my brother deciding to call and tell me - apparently against my father's wishes, I wouldn't even know.

Anyways, so that's my story. What's yours?

It's normal to be angry.

I grew up in a house with an alcoholic step father, and then started drinking heavily myself at age 9, I had figured out though by 12 that drugs were more efficient and moved on to those. Addiction is a funny thing, it's like you know what's "right" but you can't make that fit into what works for you, so you go do what you want anyway.

I am sorry about your father, but I can tell you from personal experience that whether you believe him or not, whether you are "supportive" or not, he is going to do whatever he is going to do and it's not your fault, you can't control it, and it's not your job to fix it.

You might check into Al-anon, it's helped a lot of people.

One of my friends has to go for liver function tests, and show no sign of damage, in order for him to stay on his course. We basically spent this entire year pissed off our faces. Apart from that, I've had very little experience of ful-blown alcoholism.

Incidentally, I made a thread about it (ironically when I was absolutely blasted) asking if it looked like my friends and I were heading towards alcoholism. I think a fair few people said yes. Always good to be told these things by strangers, I feel.

It's normal to be angry.

Normal perhaps, but I don't feel like it is the best or most productive reaction. Like I said, he checked himself in well before things got out of hand this time. For that, at least, I think I should be proud of him.

I am sorry about your father, but I can tell you from personal experience that whether you believe him or not, whether you are "supportive" or not, he is going to do whatever he is going to do and it's not your fault, you can't control it, and it's not your job to fix it.

This is one of the things I've seen with addiction. Others can try and convince someone that they have a problem and need to work on it - but the actual realization and work has to come from within. Not that it stops "Miss Fix-it-all" from wanting to help =).

With my father, it was always the honesty thing that pissed me off. Drink if you want but be honest about what you are doing. The lying bothered me more than the alcoholism or the damage he was doing to himself.

I come from a long line of proud, happy drunks.

Myself, I only drink on days ending in 'Y'.

Are we defining alcoholism to be people who drink alot or people who get drunk and wreck shit?

If the former, I know alot of them, they are cool people.
If the latter, I have not known anyone who has let alcohol or any other drug ruin his/her life.

I am sorry about your father, but I can tell you from personal experience that whether you believe him or not, whether you are "supportive" or not, he is going to do whatever he is going to do and it's not your fault, you can't control it, and it's not your job to fix it.
Gah, yeah. So true, yet so hard to adhere to.

With me, it's my mother (and my dad used to be, well, not an alcoholic, but at times a very heavy social drinker - the "drunk driving with the whole family on board" from the OP is more than familiar).
It's just so infuriating and frustrating to see her drink her life away. I mean, she's still functioning socially and stuff, she drinks at home in the evenings.

But even as a kid, I could take one look at a photo taken of my parents and tell immediately how much they had been drinking when the pic was taken - it's like you learned to really fine-tune yourself to any clues that could tell you what you were dealing with in any given moment, which things were safe to say and which were not, because my mother always got very mean when drunk.

Today, she just gets whiny and unctuous and melodramatic, and when she calls me I can tell from her voice how drunk she is.
And every time she calls and two words in I realize she's drunk, something just shuts down inside me. I won't hang up on her, because I don't really have that in me, but I completely clam up and only answer in "yes" and "no" answers and end the call as qucikly as possible.
I never call her after 3 pm anymore so as not to catch her drunk.

And there are so many more fucking problems all intertwined with the drinking it's not even funny.

And of course she doesn't drink. But I guess that goes without saying. :rolleyes:

And still - you always, always, always try to fix it, to get her to see what she's doing, but it's just not fucking working.

Are we defining alcoholism to be people who drink alot or people who get drunk and wreck shit?

Alcoholism has a very clear, clinical definition. I drink a lot, but I am not an alcoholic by any stretch of the imagination.

Alcoholics allow booze to take over. Finances, family life, reputation, etc all suffer in direct relation to alcohol consumption. If for one second I saw any of that in myself, I'd put the bottle down. Forever.

Alcoholics allow booze to take over. Finances, family life, reputation, etc all suffer in direct relation to alcohol consumption. If for one second I saw any of that in myself, I'd put the bottle down. Forever.
I used to say that too, in my warped little mind my addiction wasn't hurting anyone, in fact, I showed up to work, paid my bills, cleaned my house, on the outside everything was fine, it was nice, I was responsible, I was fine.

I was wrong, very wrong. :(

I was wrong, very wrong. :(

Well, if all that's the matter is on the inside, then I don't mind. I would hate to be like the health nuts and end up someday laying in a hospital dieing of nothing.

As I said, long line of us. Far back as anyone can remember. We've been some very productive, well respected, decent members of society. I'm not too worried.

Are we defining alcoholism to be people who drink alot or people who get drunk and wreck shit?

The quantity is not really an issue. A person can drink often, and in large quantities, but not actually be addicted to alcohol. Conversely, a person can be addicted without drinking large amounts (especially if it doesn't take them much).

Alcoholism, as far as I know, is defined by an addiction to alcohol. Generally, it becomes uncontrollable, and the person in question tries unsuccessfully to hide it.

I mean, she's still functioning socially and stuff, she drinks at home in the evenings.
that would be my parents. never in public (unless at a party), but almost every night at least one glass of wine. they become different people and it is the one thing that can drive me to complete anger.

but at least they're smart. they never drive to parties and keep away from me (or do i keep away from them subconsciously?) when they drink.

home on the weekends sucks at night. :(
But even as a kid, I could take one look at a photo taken of my parents and tell immediately how much they had been drinking when the pic was taken - it's like you learned to really fine-tune yourself to any clues that could tell you what you were dealing with in any given moment, which things were safe to say and which were not, because my mother always got very mean when drunk.
I can do that now too, a good judge of how bad it gets just by tone of voice. Then i just choose to shut up ans stay away until they go to bed.
And still - you always, always, always try to fix it, to get her to see what she's doing, but it's just not fucking working.
that worked for a while because my mom had/has depression and the alcohol was complicating it with the medicine she was taking, sending her not to drunken stupor but to full fledged loopy hallucination.

i had both my parents not drinking, my mom not smoking(she was in ICU so long she was forced to 'quit'; she was sneaking cartons not more than 3 weeks later) and everything nice. then the worst part about trying to fix it happened.

my dad traveled and time passed. would you look at that, its back to smoking and drinking and me punching the wall to get by.

all i know is i doubt i will ever drink, simply because of the great example set by my parents. :rolleyes: i hate kids who drink at parties more than anyone else.

My father was an alcoholic - probably still is, but luckily I haven't seen the fucker since I was about four. I do not say he is a fucker because of his alcoholism per se, but because of the behaviour his almost constant inebriation brought out; he was a wife beater, philanderer and took absolutely no interest in me after my mother quite rightly divorced him.

I recognise that alcoholism is an illness rather than something someone chooses to have, but because of the aforementioned situation I am wary, and concerned for, of people who drink a lot on a regular basis. I can drink with the best of them, but I limit it to weekend evenings except on special occasions, for I do not wish to turn out like him, and if I'm not mistaken, some experts believe the illness can be genetic.

I recognise that alcoholism is an illness rather than something someone chooses to have, but because of the aforementioned situation I am wary, and concerned for, of people who drink a lot on a regular basis. I can drink with the best of them, but I limit it to weekend evenings except on special occasions, for I do not wish to turn out like him, and if I'm not mistaken, some experts believe the illness can be genetic.

Indeed. I don't know if it is necessarily alcoholism itself that can be genetic, but I do believe that predisposition towards addiction can be. I watch for signs of it in myself (luckily, I've not tended towards any substance-addiction, anyways).

I have little personal experience with alcohol and alcoholism, mostly because my parents never drank because their fathers were both alcoholics. I did get to hear about how horrible it is to have an alcoholic parent.