NationStates Jolt Archive

:headbang:
I like this particular little gem....

there are 2 fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says......



.... Do you know how to drive this f**king thing?!?

:p

Why couldn't Pete ride his bike?





Because he was a fish!

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

bob

what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a hole

phil

whats big and green and fuzzy and has 4 legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

a pool table!

Y'all fail at one-liners. One-liners must be just that -- one line.

good example but a little over used "Your mom" there one line hehehe

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

I'm so ugly, that when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

"Ahh I see." says the blind man as the man with no legs got up and walk away.

two parrots on a perch and one looks at the other and says ":sniper: here, can you smell fish?"

"Take my wife. Please!"

"I don't get no respect."

A man walked into a bar. Ow.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Or the one about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog?


:D Dyslexics of the world, untie! :D

or the dyslexic pimp who opened his own warehouse!

or the dyslexic pimp who opened his own warehouse!

You fail at knowing what dyslexia is.

This goes to 11.

3 nails + 1 cross = 4 given.

<cough> *a man* walked into a hotel and put 3 nails on the counter and said "could ya put me up for the night?"

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a naked guy walked into a bar...

jesus christ its a lion get in the car!!1

"Take my wife. Please!"



Farny wins

Farny wins

<bows>

http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm

Anything Mitch Hedberg did.

I did NOT have sexual relations with that girl!

I did NOT have sexual relations with that girl!

lol!

I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!

Funny, but fixed for accuracy. ;)

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Or the one about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog?


:D Dyslexics of the world, untie! :D

Heard about the dyslexic drunk who choked to death on his own vimto?

D.N.A. - National Dyslexics Association

You fail at knowing what dyslexia is.
Sorry to get technical in a joke thread, but: dyslexia is any problem in the recognition and comprehension of written words (not just spelling errors), and hence his warehouse/whorehouse joke does work.

Sorry to get technical in a joke thread, but: dyslexia is any problem in the recognition and comprehension of written words (not just spelling errors), and hence his warehouse/whorehouse joke does work.

No, it doesn't actually. And yes, I realise it goes beyond spelling.

The best one liner in all history was made by richard nixon during an interview for the water shed project thingy

But when the president does it thet means it's not illegal.

hahahahaha Owned to america

I did NOT have sexual relations with that girl!
Mission accomplished.

Sorry to get technical in a joke thread, but: dyslexia is any problem in the recognition and comprehension of written words (not just spelling errors), and hence his warehouse/whorehouse joke does work.


If youve gotta rationalise and defend that a joke works it probably isnt a very funny joke anyway.

If youve gotta rationalise and defend that a joke works it probably isnt a very funny joke anyway.
That, too. It's like in Heinlein's The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress where Manny tells Mike the Computer that jokes break unevenly into two categories, "funny always" and "funny once." The ones you have to explain are only funny once, if that.

Don't know how FUNNY these actually are, but, ya know... here you go anyway ;)

Henny Youngman - mostly one-liners (http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm).

How about "Guess who's baaaaack?"

Don't know how FUNNY these actually are, but, ya know... here you go anyway ;)

Henny Youngman - mostly one-liners (http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm).
Heh ... beat ya to Henny.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

"To know death Otto, you have to fuck life in the gallbladder."

"I am more man than you'll ever be, and more woman you'll ever have" said to a man, or

"I am more woman than you'll ever be, and more man you'll ever have" said to a woman.

Reserved for us gays.

Three Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. The End.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasnt it.

I did NOT have sexual relations with that girl!

Rarely is the Question asked, "is our children learning?"

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.

Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job.

More and more of our imports come from overseas.

Three men walk into a bar, and the bartender says "You're joking!"





Sorry, I'll go hide in my cave again

"we lost because we didn't win"

... some footballer said it, I forget which one.

This isn't an exact one because I've forgotten it exactly but:

"Sometimes we play like birds flying in the sky, and sometimes we're just crap"
-Fabien Pelous, French rugby captain

Tom Servo (from MST3K): "This movie stops at nothing... and stays there!"

You fail at knowing what dyslexia is.

You fail at shut up.

Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery:

"this is my master plan. wake me when its over."

James Bond (when asked for his job description):

"oh, I travel, a sort of licensed trouble shooter"

There are only ten kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who dont.



And if I were your husband I would eat the poison.

"This morning I woke up and shot an elephant inmy pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know."
-Groucho Marx.

The best one liner in all history was made by richard nixon during an interview for the water shed project thingy

But when the president does it thet means it's not illegal.

hahahahaha Owned to america
No, Nixon's best one liner was on the cover of Time.

"I am not a crook"

Remember?

Well it wasn't the titanic

Somewhat along the lines of Groucho Marx's famous "club member" quote:

To fancy me, a woman must be totally nuts; and I sure don't want a mad one."

Disclaimer: I have a woman. She's nuts. I don't care.

Three Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. The End.

Hysterical. :rolleyes:

depends on what the definition of is is


i have no recollection


i did not have sex with that woman


it's a vast rightwing conspiricy


etc


fuckers

And if I were your husband I would eat the poison.

Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.

I suppose these things happen...

I looked high and low for you. Turns out I didn't look low enough.

Two men walk into a bar. The third ducks.

Two cows are chatting in a field about mad cow disease. Presently, one of the cows says 'sure makes me glad I'm a penguin'

(one that worked better before artificial insimination, etc. became possible) Sex is heriditary. If your parents didn't have it, you probably won't either.

Insanity is heriditary. You get it from your children (my dad).

There are only ten kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who dont.

You fail at life (and binary)

On being told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews, Groucho Marx replied;

My son is half-Jewish, can he wade in up to his knees?

G.B. Shaw, on being asked by a beautiful women if they should get together because of the wonderful children they'd have

"ah yes my dear, but what would happen if they had my looks and your brains"

There are only 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who dont.

Fixed.

You fool! You gave cheese to a lactose intolerant volcano god!

5/4s of Americans dont understand fractions.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Steven Wright

:headbang:
I like this particular little gem....

there are 2 fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says......



.... Do you know how to drive this f**king thing?!?

:p

That sucked.

"I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying, 'Yeah, well fuck you.' "

Your Mom's so fat that I swerved to miss her and ran out of petrol.

Hysterical. :rolleyes:
Isn't it? ISN'T IT?