NationStates Jolt Archive


Take it to Uwe Boll:In the Ring!!!

Cannot think of a name
10-07-2006, 09:00
Some of you know Uwe Boll as the guy who makes forgetable to outright horrible movie adaptations of video games like Bloodrayne and House of the Dead.

Just godawful.

I've always had that notion in the back of my head that he knew he was making shitty fucking movies and just didn't care. Thanks to an old Oberhausen loophole he was able to make money without making money off these stinkers so it didn't matter. But nope, he's not that aware...

"I'm fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet without see[ing] them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices. Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my films."

So he's going to take it to five of those critics, on the chin. (http://www.kotaku.com/gaming/uwe-boll/uwe-boll-wants-to-kick-your-ass-no-really-180214.php)

Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

That's right. He's going to box five of his harshest critics. Crazy is as all that.

I don't qualify for a number of reasons, the most of which I haven't written about him on the internet or newspapers that extensively, or really at all. On a certain level I can understand that kind of frustration, but then I think I just might endevor to make better films...

Would you go toe to toe with Boll?

I'm too lazy at the moment to link better articles (that one's kind of irratating) but here is a google search (http://www.google.com/search?q=uwe+boll+fight&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official) as if you guys couldn't do that on your own...anyway...
Desperate Measures
10-07-2006, 09:03
We may be looking at another Ed Wood. I'm completely impressed by this. I'll have good dreams tonight.
Impunia
10-07-2006, 09:16
He's smart enough to put the weight cut-off at 190 lbs. Guess that's something.

I hope he give Tarantino a good beating. The Kill Bill films were total ripoffs.
The Tribes Of Longton
10-07-2006, 16:30
EDIT: Proved to be an idiot with this very post. Mark it in the tomes, someone.
Greater Alemannia
10-07-2006, 16:33
Fuck yeah, I'd box Uwe Boll. That bastard took one of the most cinematic, scary, perfect games I've ever played and skull-fucked it until it was a dim-witted shadow of its former self.

YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE RESIDENT EVIL A FUCKING EXCELLENT FILM, YOU SHIT! YOUR SOURCE MATERIAL WAS BRILLIANT AND YOU SQUEEZED OUT THAT TURD OF A FILM??

*ahem*

You know, that statement of yours would be more significant, if he had actually directed RE...
The Tribes Of Longton
10-07-2006, 16:33
You know, that statement of yours would be more significant, if he had actually directed RE...
Bugger. Ah well, that's me butt-fucked then.

I'd still go toe to toe with him though, him and Anderson. I get confused between them.
Cannot think of a name
11-07-2006, 01:58
Bugger. Ah well, that's me butt-fucked then.

I'd still go toe to toe with him though, him and Anderson. I get confused between them.
After AVP that guy has a lot to answer for. Before watching it you'd think, "This is a no brainer. Just point the cameras and print the money." How could you possibly screw up something like this? Suprise!
Sdaeriji
11-07-2006, 02:05
Fucker put a weight limit on it. Dang.
Kyronea
11-07-2006, 02:14
Yeah right. My little sister defeats me easily at armwreslting, and she's fourteen. Uwe Boll would cream me.
Sane Outcasts
11-07-2006, 02:18
I'd go toe to toe with him just kick him in the balls a few times. Even if I'm disqualified, I still win.
The Aeson
11-07-2006, 02:22
Surprised no one's linked this (http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20060621) yet.
Baranxtu
11-07-2006, 02:22
Please, someone follow this guide to kicking Boll's ass (http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20060621)? It would make the day of all of us...

Also, in the name of Germany, I would like to apologize for unleashing that fucktard. We didn't mean to... laws were harsher back then, you know? Now, if only retroactive abortion was possible...
Baranxtu
11-07-2006, 02:23
Surprised no one's linked this (http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20060621) yet.

If you could have waited ONE more minute... :p
Cannot think of a name
11-07-2006, 02:28
Please, someone follow this guide to kicking Boll's ass (http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20060621)? It would make the day of all of us...

Also, in the name of Germany, I would like to apologize for unleashing that fucktard. We didn't mean to... laws were harsher back then, you know? Now, if only retroactive abortion was possible...
It's alright-Wim Wenders, Werner Herzog, and Fassbinder more than make up for Boll, we don't hold it against you.
ShinyObjectia
11-07-2006, 02:35
this is the madatory bowling pun for a uwe bowl related thread;


i'd show him what a seven ten split felt like in the nuts
**rimshot**

get it? Uwe Boll...you bowl?



before you reply, i already know this isnt funny
The Eastern Hemisphere
11-07-2006, 02:36
If only I qualified.....he brought shame on Alone in the Dark, the father of survival horror games. I hope one of the critics knocks his ass out.
Kyronea
11-07-2006, 02:38
If only I qualified.....he brought shame on Alone in the Dark, the father of survival horror games. I hope one of the critics knocks his ass out.
I tried to play an Alone in the Dark game once. The game never installed and I wasted fifteen dollars on the CD, two months worth of money for seven year old me. Pissed me off all to hell.
Cannot think of a name
11-07-2006, 05:33
If only I qualified.....he brought shame on Alone in the Dark, the father of survival horror games. I hope one of the critics knocks his ass out.
I have a feeling that he's going to stack the deck a bit. And he has self-rightious rage on his side.

I've never played any of the games that he's made into movies but I have watched one despite a friend telling me that it wasn't worth it even for the curiousity. It was really one of those, "Seriously, why did you show this to people" moments. Making something cheesy for the heck of it is one thing (Hats off, Keruvalia, I look forward to the Manos sequal/remake thingy) but when you subject it to the general public, damn...
Lyon county
11-07-2006, 05:44
Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

lucky bastards...
IL Ruffino
11-07-2006, 05:55
He has the honor of creating the only movie I hated so much that I stopped watching after 20 minutes.

I always watch a movie all the way through.. till I saw his movie.

House of The Dead changed my mind on how bad a movie could be.

*smacks Uwe with a metal folding chair*
Lyon county
11-07-2006, 05:57
*smacks Uwe with a metal folding chair*

*gives IL Ruffino a brick and says" finish it" then laughs evily*
IL Ruffino
11-07-2006, 06:01
*gives IL Ruffino a brick and says" finish it" then laughs evily*
*starts swinging the brick around*

*bashes in Uwe's nose and---[CENSORED]---*