NationStates Jolt Archive

Here's the lowdown: Around a month ago, I met an amazing woman over the net, and since then, we have developed a surprisingly close connection. We talk with each other for hours upon end on a daily basis, and just recently, agreed to meet in person, even discussing long-term plans for the future. Here's the catch - She's 33 years of age with a 12 year old daughter, holds a secure job as a nurse, and amicably separated and divorced her husband (who remains an active father). I, on the other hand, am 20 years of age, going through college, and working part-time to pay the bills. We are at two different points in life, with a 13 year age gap, and she is busy raising a child.

Thoughts? Opinions? Words of wisdom? Can this relationship last? I believe so, but curiosity has gotten the better of me, which is why you're reading this.

...with a 12 year old daughter...

No.

I wouldn't stake much on the outcome. And my significant other is seven years older than I am.

Hah, wimp. Mine was 14 years older than me. :p

Go ahead, if you're patient.

Here's the lowdown: Around a month ago, I met an amazing woman over the net, and since then, we have developed a surprisingly close connection. We talk with each other for hours upon end on a daily basis, and just recently, agreed to meet in person, even discussing long-term plans for the future. Here's the catch - She's 33 years of age with a 12 year old daughter, holds a secure job as a nurse, and amicably separated and divorced her husband (who remains an active father). I, on the other hand, am 20 years of age, going through college, and working part-time to pay the bills. We are at two different points in life, with a 13 year age gap, and she is busy raising a child.

Thoughts? Opinions? Words of wisdom? Can this relationship last? I believe so, but curiosity has gotten the better of me, which is why you're reading this.
Word of wisdom: sever the connection. Immediately. All too often, internet relationships turn into complete and utter crap once you meet in person. The internet is fantastic for many things, but relationships are no one of them. There is a component to relationships that requires physical contact for it to work. And yes, I speak from experience, from one who had his heart twisted and broken more than once in foolish mistakes. Trust me. Internet relationships are a bad idea. Period.

Word of wisdom: sever the connection. Immediately. All too often, internet relationships turn into complete and utter crap once you meet in person. The internet is fantastic for many things, but relationships are no one of them. There is a component to relationships that requires physical contact for it to work. And yes, I speak from experience, from one who had his heart twisted and broken more than once in foolish mistakes. Trust me. Internet relationships are a bad idea. Period.

Oh hi there Amy and Huw, how are you guys?

Gah...consider yourself lucky!

I'm sick of girls my age, all too often they're either manipulative or indecisive...or both.

It sounds like you, however, may have found a keeper, despite your age difference.

I say go for it! :)

Stop dating online!

The formula is half your age plus seven, that's the youngest person you should date. You're below that. I don't know that this has legs (not basing it really on the formula) as you're in very different phases of life. But a good time could be had. I don't know how this would really effect the kid, though. Something to take into consideration, even if she doesn't.

The formula is half your age plus seven, that's the youngest person you should date. You're below that. I don't know that this has legs (not basing it really on the formula) as you're in very different phases of life. But a good time could be had. I don't know how this would really effect the kid, though. Something to take into consideration, even if she doesn't.
Sound advice. Hang out for a while together, see where it goes. Don't commit until you've had some serious down time together, because that's when any power/control issues that might be there will show up.

I also like the 'half age plus seven' formula. Well I did, until I worked out it meant I could be dating an 80 year-old. :eek: Just as well I'm married really .....

I say you wait 6 years for her daughter:eek: :eek: in the meantime pursue a relationship with her...but seriously...there's no point to the relationship at all if you never meet her...go for it

I say you wait 6 years for her daughter:eek: :eek: in the meantime pursue a relationship with her...but seriously...there's no point to the relationship at all if you never meet her...go for it
Date the mom and the daughter? Buck Henry would be proud...

If you think it could last, and you are willing to put in the effort to make it last, then that's really your answer. If those two things you do truly believe in, can you really walk away and not try?

An age difference, and communication through the internet both add extra "problems" to the relationship. You can still have an excellent relationship, but it will add to the already existing effort and patience you need to put into a serious relationship. You have to believe that it's worth it, and that you couldn't give it up for something "easier" but maybe not as "good". If you do think the positives of the relationship outweigh the negatives of the situation, that does say something, and that's really what you have to base this on. Is the relationship good enough, and motivation enough, to work around the situation? In the end, you'll already have answers to this in your head, but maybe it can help you sort out your thoughts better.

You also need to talk to her, talk about doubts or feelings or worries or potential problems etc etc. You will not be able to make this work, if you don't both stay aware and communicative about the situation and the impact it can have on your relationship.

I'm a believer in trying and taking opportunities. I'm in a vaguely similar situation (met over the internet, age difference - but the situation and difference aren't quite as "extreme") and I know there has never been a better choice made in my life than deciding to go for the relationship I'm in now.

Either way, good luck with it all :) :fluffle:

Date the mom and the daughter? Buck Henry would be proud...

so would Woody Allen

so would Woody Allen
Ba-Zing!

Oh hi there Amy and Huw, how are you guys?
haha subtle but to the point :fluffle:

If it feels good, do it.

haha subtle but to the point :fluffle:
indeed *nods* the point being... we rock! :D :P :fluffle:

If it feels good, do it.
That's why I'm banned from Parliament House...

That's why I'm banned from Parliament House...

Me too. But it was worth it. :)

From the limited info you've given about this lady, the daughter is the most significant datum.
She's the deal-breaker. If she's got boyfriends, and isn't interested in 20-y-old's (fat chance :rolleyes: ), you're gold. If the daughter is going to compete with mum, then hate her, then split with the next guy with the same hair colour as you, don't do it.
Once the kid is past that stage, her mom will be taken.

Don't ask your friend a lot of questions about the daughter online. You know what she'd think. Meet your friend for dinner.

Now, you're really sure this lady isn't a gay rapist without a 13-yo daughter, aren't you?

There is a component to relationships that requires physical contact for it to work. Trust me. Internet relationships are a bad idea.

Yes and no. We used to call it "chemistry," and it does have a lot to do with pheremones. But don't you know of relationships that looked blessed by chemistry, where everyone who saw a couple said they were "made for each other," but failed after a few months? Mental compatibility is important too.
Meet. It's only a date, huh?

I have only met ONE couple that met online, that hasnt ended painfully, and quickly.

Talking to someone online doesnt give you any details about who that person is...just what they say.

Does she pick her nose?

Does she snore?

How will her daughter feel about her mom dating someone only 8 years older than her?


Also, from personal experience with dating older women, they can have a tendency to be too clingy, and mothering.

A woman cannot be your mother, and your girlfriend.

I say just find someone closer to your own age.
Your too young to be dating someone with children more than half your own age.

Live a little before you tie yourself down.

Meet her ( + progeny), get thoroughly freaked out, and get the hell away. Both my advice and my prediction.

I say go for it. Age isn't the most important factor in compatibility. Who you are as a person is much more vital.

I say go for it. Age isn't the most important factor in compatibility. Who you are as a person is much more vital.


13 years is a LOT.

A 20 year old woman, and a 33 year old women, are very, very different people.

Give it a try. Yes, it's probably going to be tough getting your mind free of societies prejudices about young guys dating older women. But you know what? Meet her, ask her what she thinks, how she feels, what she wants and then see what you can work out.
There's no guarantee for any relationship to last forever, but Amy and Huw are not the only two to have met online. If I remember correctly, Carisbrooke met a guy from Canada online, who now lives with her in the UK. It can work, but there are no guarantees. Ever. ;)

13 years is a LOT.

A 20 year old woman, and a 33 year old women, are very, very different people.

True. But she is 33, and he has feelings for that woman at that age. He may not even have liked her when she was 20 ;)

True. But she is 33, and he has feelings for that woman at that age. He may not even have liked her when she was 20 ;)


You cant have true feelinjg for someone youve never met face to face.
I maintain that you do not really know someone until you spend a good deal of time together.

Thats why so few internet relationships actually work.

You cant have true feelinjg for someone youve never met face to face.
I maintain that you do not really know someone until you spend a good deal of time together.

Thats why so few internet relationships actually work.

Oh yes, you can. Speaking from personal experience here. Mine worked for 3 years... longer than many real life relationships.

Oh yes, you can. Speaking from personal experience here. Mine worked for 3 years... longer than many real life relationships.

and how did that turn out for you?

and how did that turn out for you?

It ended. Same as all my other relationships I had so far.

It ended. Same as all my other relationships I had so far.


So, crudely put:

Internet relationships for Cabra West...0/1.

Dont feel bad though, as I said earlier, I only know of 1 couple who met online, and are still together.
(Aand they have been seeing each other for less than a year, and plan to marry.)

Just to point out.... she could be your mother

I'm around 20.. my mother is just over 35
and I have a brother whos around 12...

in a couple of countries... it'd be seen as middle-aged women dating a kid


IMO... until the youngest person is ~30... relationships with people over 5 years differnt arnt right... theres a distinct lack of emotional and physical experiance.


But I agree with what someone said earlier, about not knowing your true feelings until you get to know eachother offline.
At the moment.. your feelings are based on? The way she presents herself through writing? A few staged images in which she things compliment her?

For almost everyone I know... they have a seperate online personality, compared to their offline personality. People change when a wall is put between then


From the above post... a friend of mine recently met up with her long-term online boyfriend, 5 months of living together here (he moved to the UK from the USA) and they're now happily married.
But their ages are similar

I personally feel that the gap between you and her is too great

So, crudely put:

Internet relationships for Cabra West...0/1.

Dont feel bad though, as I said earlier, I only know of 1 couple who met online, and are still together.
(Aand they have been seeing each other for less than a year, and plan to marry.)

*lol
Crudely put :

Internet relationship lasted 3 times as long as any real life relationship for Cabra.
Or are you only counting lifelong relationships as having "worked out"? :p ;)

So, crudely put:

Internet relationships for Cabra West...0/1.

Dont feel bad though, as I said earlier, I only know of 1 couple who met online, and are still together.
(Aand they have been seeing each other for less than a year, and plan to marry.)
But at three years I don't think you can hold it starting form the internet responsable, and it compared favorably to her 'traditional' relationships in that it was longer than all of those.

But at three years I don't think you can hold it starting form the internet responsable, and it compared favorably to her 'traditional' relationships in that it was longer than all of those.


Hey..I never said it was a FAIR assessment. =)

BUT...facts is facts...

Hey..I never said it was a FAIR assessment. =)

BUT...facts is facts...

Well, in that case, the only two relationships I know about that "worked out" where those of my grandparents. Everybody else split up at some point or another, or else it's just too early to tell and they might split up at some point in the future :p
Seriously, any relationship that lasts over, say, a year, did work out for a significant amount of time.

Oh, and maybe I should add that the guy was 12 years older than me, too.

Having done this, and several crazzier things in my youth: Of course it can last. The question you should be asking, is should it?

You are never going to have a father/daughter with a girl eight years your junior. And when you're 26, she's going to look pretty good turning 18, as your wife is pushing 40. Not to suggest you're a sleazy guy, but the whole situation has vast potential to go wrong.

Assuming for a moment, that you're not worried about the daughter, do you want your own children? Ever? With a partner 13 years your senior, it's going to have to be soon. The problem is, then you're committed for life. If it doesn't work out with the woman, you are part of this family forever...and that could be a real obstacle to starting over with someone closer to your own age. On the other hand, waiting a few years may mean closing the door on having your own children. This may seem fine now, but is a decision you may well regret in ten or fifteen years.

I'm all for crazy love, but I think the swing issue here for me is the daughter. If it was just you and the woman, I would say go for it. You have little to lose and whole thing might work our beautifully. But, I don't think this is a fair thing to put a child through.

I also know from experience, that you will likely ignore all of this.

Best of luck to you all. :)

Here's the lowdown: Around a month ago, I met an amazing woman over the net, and since then, we have developed a surprisingly close connection. We talk with each other for hours upon end on a daily basis, and just recently, agreed to meet in person, even discussing long-term plans for the future. Here's the catch - She's 33 years of age with a 12 year old daughter, holds a secure job as a nurse, and amicably separated and divorced her husband (who remains an active father). I, on the other hand, am 20 years of age, going through college, and working part-time to pay the bills. We are at two different points in life, with a 13 year age gap, and she is busy raising a child.

Thoughts? Opinions? Words of wisdom? Can this relationship last? I believe so, but curiosity has gotten the better of me, which is why you're reading this.

Ok In my opinion and experience people are completely different when on line and even on the phone until ye meet in person. And even then it does take a while to get to know each other. Right now I would assume that the womans main priority is raising her daughter and if ye were to go into a relationship you may come second to that. Also if this woman is your first serious relationship the age difference may cause some difficulties. I have absolutely no problem with age gaps in relationships but ye're at different stages in ye're lives and you are only 20 which is very very young. Thread carefully.

The formula is half your age plus seven, that's the youngest person you should date. You're below that. I don't know that this has legs (not basing it really on the formula) as you're in very different phases of life. But a good time could be had. I don't know how this would really effect the kid, though. Something to take into consideration, even if she doesn't.

I didn't know there was a formula!

to the OP - you might get some stick for the age gap, but if you really like her and your willing to take on her kid and the active dad, then I'd say go for it. At the end of the day, you're not going to know how you really feel until you meet her. It's all well and good to talk online and on the phone etc but to get to know them really really well you have to meet. Maybe lay off the long term plans, just see how it goes. You're only young, (says me, 25!) and you have to bare in mind that as you get older you're opinion on, and needs from a relationship are going to shift, you have to be confident that she can sustain you just as much as you worry about sustaining her.

I say no, because you are still going through significant developmental change. You will regret becoming involved with her.

Here's the lowdown: Around a month ago, I met an amazing woman over the net, and since then, we have developed a surprisingly close connection. We talk with each other for hours upon end on a daily basis, and just recently, agreed to meet in person, even discussing long-term plans for the future. Here's the catch - She's 33 years of age with a 12 year old daughter, holds a secure job as a nurse, and amicably separated and divorced her husband (who remains an active father). I, on the other hand, am 20 years of age, going through college, and working part-time to pay the bills. We are at two different points in life, with a 13 year age gap, and she is busy raising a child.

Thoughts? Opinions? Words of wisdom? Can this relationship last? I believe so, but curiosity has gotten the better of me, which is why you're reading this.
If you just want a temporary or long-distance relationship, I don't see a problem. But ... you need to seriously consider avoiding this if you think it could turn into anything serious. At 20, you don't need to become a husband and father all in one fell swoop.

If it was just the 13 year age difference, I would recommend you just go with the flow. The best relationship I ever had ( except for the one my ex and I use to have! ) was with a 23 year old woman when I was 53 ... a 30 year difference which bothered neither of us. BUT ... she had a two year old daughter and I was totally unprepared to raise more children.

Here's the lowdown: Around a month ago, I met an amazing woman over the net, and since then, we have developed a surprisingly close connection. We talk with each other for hours upon end on a daily basis, and just recently, agreed to meet in person, even discussing long-term plans for the future. Here's the catch - She's 33 years of age with a 12 year old daughter, holds a secure job as a nurse, and amicably separated and divorced her husband (who remains an active father). I, on the other hand, am 20 years of age, going through college, and working part-time to pay the bills. We are at two different points in life, with a 13 year age gap, and she is busy raising a child.

Thoughts? Opinions? Words of wisdom? Can this relationship last? I believe so, but curiosity has gotten the better of me, which is why you're reading this.
One word. One big fucking word.

MILF!!!

You lucky horndog you. Go on my son, fill they boots.


A few years back, I dated a 34 yr old solo mum who had a 5 yr old kid and man, was she hot for sex. It was all I could do to keep up.

Ah...memories.



Anyway, back to you.
I see no reason why it wouldn't work. I can't see it lasting, but if you both go into it realising that you both, you especially, is going to change and eventually you might(read=most likely) want to move on.

As long as you both can accept that could happen and keep it in mind, you two can both look at it as a great opportunity to have good companionship, great sex, a few laughs and form a really lasting friendship.
And trust me, having a really close female friend you can trust and talk to will become more important as you get older.

You're also extremly lucky in that you'll get to learn how to really please a woman from a woman old enough, mature enough and patient enough to teach you.
And I don't just mean sexually either.

So give it a shot. What have you got to lose?

I wouldn't stake much on the outcome. And my significant other is seven years older than I am.
mine also. We were about in the same place when we met though....

... Thread carefully.
EDIT: Pleeease, someone say why that was funny! I found it funny, but somehow couldn't express it. :D

OK, I am in an Internet formed and now real life relationship..and it CAN work, I am also a Mum of three and my partner is 11 years older than me...the advice I give is meet her, get to know her in person, as well as online...also the strain that children can put on a relationship can not be understated, especially teenage girls who are reaching a difficult stage in life where nature makes then 'compete' with Mum for the attention of men (this is very subtle and not always obvious to the man...or the Mum and daughter..but it does happen)
I wish you well...but please don't be offended...20 is VERY young...and 30+ women with children are as has been pointed out, a different species to 19 year old girls...enjoy your life and think very carefully before you rush into anything. I wish you well in whatever you do.

:D

I met my boyfriend of over three years online, and he's 10 years my senior. In terms of the age and meeting, therefore, I would said there's no problem with you hooking up with her. Unfortunately, there's a kid involved. I'm not exactly objective as I despise children, but trying my best: it's possible it would resent you (and its mother, perhaps), especially given that (a) it's an an awkward teenage phase and (b) that you're actually closer to it in age than its mother.

However, it's possible that none of these things would be true; you might get on well. If you're keen on this woman, get to know her as well online as you can, meet up a few times in person as friends before you take it any further, and see if she can suss out any reaction from her kid.

Such relationships can work, and if the kid doesn't bother you and you're willing to make the effort with it, who knows? Proceed carefully, but best of luck.

Trust me. Internet relationships are a bad idea. Period.well.. the internet has been good to me..
I get laid more often with a high speed connection :D
.

Word of wisdom: sever the connection. Immediately.nah.. get laid a few times.. then do the sever thing.. ;)

When I was 30 I met a woman over the internet. She was 47, with two teenaged kids. It lasted a couple of years before we split. So would you call that "successful" or "unsuccessful"? It was good while it lasted, anyway.

Even if it doesn't last, it might be good for you. If nothing else, everything you've heard about women reaching their sexual peak later in life is true. ;)

But don't take my word for it. Here's what Benjamin Franklin had to say on the subject:
I repeat my former Advice that in your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. This you call a Paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:

1. Because they have more Knowledge of the world, and their Minds are better stored with Observations; their conversation is more improving, and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Man, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a thousand Services, small and great, and are the most tender and useful of Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an Old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.

4. Because through more Experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation; and regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be inclined to excuse an old Woman, who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his manners by her good Councils, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part. The Face first grows lank and Wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever; so that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the Dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of Corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal and frequently superior; every Knack being by Practice capable by improvement.

6. Because the sin is less. The Debauching of a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend making an old Woman happy.

8. 8th & lastly. They are so grateful!!!

I would wait at least until you graduate college to try anything serious.

If you're right, and the connection is there, it should still be there in a year or two when your lifestyle will (probably) take some noticable steps in the direction of hers.

I was 21 and out of college for over a year when I met my girlfriend, who was 29 at the time. She had her misgivings about the age gap, but I... um, talked her into it. ;)

It was a little spotty for the first few weeks... but then through a curious twist of fate I was suddenly recruited to grad school at the very same university that she was already attending for her Ph.D. Getting on the same page lifestyle-wise (prior to that she was in school and I was waiting tables) definitely made things a lot easier.

Now we've been together for four years. :)

Here's the lowdown: Around a month ago, I met an amazing woman over the net, and since then, we have developed a surprisingly close connection. We talk with each other for hours upon end on a daily basis, and just recently, agreed to meet in person, even discussing long-term plans for the future. Here's the catch - She's 33 years of age with a 12 year old daughter, holds a secure job as a nurse, and amicably separated and divorced her husband (who remains an active father). I, on the other hand, am 20 years of age, going through college, and working part-time to pay the bills. We are at two different points in life, with a 13 year age gap, and she is busy raising a child.

Thoughts? Opinions? Words of wisdom? Can this relationship last? I believe so, but curiosity has gotten the better of me, which is why you're reading this.time to ask yourself if you truely love her. if you're not sure, then take it slowly.

wether or not you want such a relationship tho is up to you.

I say go for it. Age isn't the most important factor in compatibility. Who you are as a person is much more vital.
And age, as well as experience, has a hell of a lot to do with that.

People can romanticize age-difference relationships, but those that work are very, very rare.

People can romanticize age-difference relationships, but those that work are very, very rare.
Annnd ... your proof for that? :)

Here's the lowdown: Around a month ago,
<snip>
Thoughts? Opinions? Words of wisdom? Can this relationship last? I believe so, but curiosity has gotten the better of me, which is why you're reading this.

A month is WAY too short a time to start making future plans, especially sice you haven't even met her. Go out on a few dates, keep chatting and come back in a year if there is still something there.

Age should be the very least of any consideration.

Otherwise, have fun!

Go with my mantra: just say no. It is the base of my philosophy and prevents me from doing something stupid.

...She's 33 years of age with a 12 year old daughter...

I like where this is going! Giggety Giggety goo!

Annnd ... your proof for that? :)
Personal experience, noticing things and people around me, and common sense.

As I see it, you have a number of obstacles:

1. Internet knowledge only.
2. Age.
3. Kid.
4. Life stage difference.

1. People you know on the internet can be a total shock when you meet in person. My advice is: talk on the phone first for a while, then meet her. But no matter how well you know her it'll take some getting used to. I have a few good friends I've made via internet who became in person friends, but it's still weird how differently I think of them talking electronically vs. talking in person.

2. Gah, age in itself is fairly irrelevant, except if you're very different levels of maturity. Be the same emotional/mental age and you're fine.

3. Kids complicate things, but can be good. However, her kid is closer to your age than she is, and unless you're REALLY mature for 20, whoever it was who was surmising the kid-have-a-crush-on-you thing might have a point.

4. Unless you're willing to jump straight into her category of life and skip your irresponsible not-quite-adult-hood section, this would be a problem. It would totally mess up her life to revert and join your age group behavior. If she wants that, it's probably an early mid-life crisis, and you shouldn't expect it to work out long term.

Hey, my 18 year old freind is nailing his 28 year old g/f right as you read this most likley. She has a 3yr old daughter. a little different but none the less the same. He moved in with her and they lived about 100 miles apart. It seems to be doing ok. Nothings impossible! good luck!:fluffle:

You know, I don't think there could be any harm in meeting her. It's not like you're going to propose or become seriously involved based on one encounter, perhaps, if things work out, by the time you're in a place in your life where you're ready for commitments like marriage, she'll still be in your life and things could work out. Just don't rush into things.

:eek:

Log into the program in question.

Add her nick to your block list.*

Log off.

Enjoy a simple and uncomplicated life.

* You may wish to break it gently first.