NationStates Jolt Archive

I was just infront of another fight between my parents and I am so lost. I don't know what to do, I want to find some way to stop their fights, because they always fight infront of me. On the other hand, I think that maybe they just need to work it out themselves. However, they have been fighting like this for 14 years, and each one seems to be worse. I sometimes wonder if they will get divorced. They promise that they won't but I don't know if they are just saying that, or are serious. They are really good people but they don't seem to get along. Let's just say the phrase,"opposites attract," doesn't seem to work. So, does anyone have advice to give me?

distance yourself from the conflict. They are adults, let them deal with it on thier own, tell them you are the kid and you don't need to be in the middle.

when my parents fight i let them know i cant stand it then i leave the hoses and go running or out with friends to see a movie it they are still fighting when i get back i leave again

distance yourself from the conflict. They are adults, let them deal with it on thier own, tell them you are the kid and you don't need to be in the middle.

already tried that a long time ago

distance yourself from the conflict. They are adults, let them deal with it on thier own, tell them you are the kid and you don't need to be in the middle.
agreed. when they start arguing, just stop what you're doing and leave. sooner or later they'll get the message... hopefully.

already tried that a long time ago
another thing to try... and I really can't say if it will work, is when you're with each of them alone, ask them how they met each other and what did they find attractive about the other.

if you do in a conversational way, it might, just might, remind them of the qualities in the other person that they fell in love with.

every time there’s an argument just get some money and leave also if its really bothering you just stay at friends houses as much as you can (heck I barely come home anymore)

I was just infront of another fight between my parents and I am so lost. I don't know what to do, I want to find some way to stop their fights, because they always fight infront of me. On the other hand, I think that maybe they just need to work it out themselves. However, they have been fighting like this for 14 years, and each one seems to be worse. I sometimes wonder if they will get divorced. They promise that they won't but I don't know if they are just saying that, or are serious. They are really good people but they don't seem to get along. Let's just say the phrase,"opposites attract," doesn't seem to work. So, does anyone have advice to give me?

YOU can't stop the fights.

Just stop and think for a second... they've always done this - this is about THEM, not YOU.

(And, if they fight about you... you are not the real 'cause' of the fight.. just a piece on the table)

Others have given good advice. Tell them how you feel. Try not to be there. Leave the room when they start.

But - I think the most important thing to do - is to make sure you know this is a 'them' thing, not a 'you' thing.

Adapt.

Figure out a way to profit from it. Guilt is a powerful lever.

Adapt.

Figure out a way to profit from it. Guilt is a powerful lever.
Agreed.

You might want to advise them to divorce... it really can be the best thing in some cases. Unless they're Catholic or something. Even then, though, they might be able to get an annulment or whatever. On the other hand, divorce might just be worse. Who knows.

YOU can't stop the fights.

Just stop and think for a second... they've always done this - this is about THEM, not YOU.

(And, if they fight about you... you are not the real 'cause' of the fight.. just a piece on the table)

Others have given good advice. Tell them how you feel. Try not to be there. Leave the room when they start.

But - I think the most important thing to do - is to make sure you know this is a 'them' thing, not a 'you' thing.
Wise words indeed.

You might want to advise them to divorce... it really can be the best thing in some cases. Unless they're Catholic or something. Even then, though, they might be able to get an annulment or whatever. On the other hand, divorce might just be worse. Who knows.

their Christian, everyone in my family is

You might want to advise them to divorce... it really can be the best thing in some cases. Unless they're Catholic or something. Even then, though, they might be able to get an annulment or whatever. On the other hand, divorce might just be worse. Who knows.
doing that could shock them into realizing your viewpoint on their fighting. if they know you are witnessing this on a daily basis, they could change with the shock of their child telling them to divorce to stop fighting.

sorry if thats juxtaposed. a little tired. :)

You might want to advise them to divorce... it really can be the best thing in some cases. Unless they're Catholic or something. Even then, though, they might be able to get an annulment or whatever. On the other hand, divorce might just be worse. Who knows.

I know some Catholics that need to get divorced, weather their stupid religion allows it or not.

Without knowing anything about you or your family dynamic, it's really hard to give advice, but I'll make a valiant (and probably misguided attempt). What most of the people here are saying is true, it's about your parents, not you. Trying to reconcile them won't work. Giving them advice won't work. The best you can do is, when (if) thing calm down enough, tell them how it makes you feel. Be rational, don't get emotional, just tell them that it hurts you and makes you feel insecure. Tell them that you would prefer it if they didn't fight around you. You might let them know that if they continue, you will spend your time away from them, as has been suggested before.

Call another relative, like a grandparent or an aunt or uncle, let them know what the situation is. Nothing helps a kid's cause like adult intervention.

Just so that you all know I'm not like some little 12-year old kid ok, I'll be seventeen in a couple days

Um, tell them how it makes you feel, and ask them to try marriage counselling so that you don't have to be stuck with this any more? Unless you don't think that it's bad enough for marriage counselling. But if you don't, then why ask for advice?

Run away and become a drug dealer.

Just so that you all know I'm not like some little 12-year old kid ok, I'll be seventeen in a couple days

In some ways, that's worse. You're almost an adult, and almost ready to take on adult responsibilities and the adults around your are acting like children. If you can, go visit a relative and just get away from them for a couple of weeks. Tell them what you're doing and why and just get out for a while. Give youself a break and give them something to think about.

Run away and become a drug dealer.

yea, and heck, who cares if I'm dead by age 27, that already happened to someone I know, in all seriousness, I would never even consider doing that

LoL, I was a drug dealer back in high school. Now I'm going to a good university and own a holding company. Don't do much illegal stuff anymore... still smoke pot, but I don't sell it anymore, got myself back in the game and went straight.

I know some Catholics that need to get divorced, weather their stupid religion allows it or not.

Buddom you make such a great point. I hate the Catholic Church, and other Christains, for causing so much hate in people's homes. They should approve of divorce because sometimes it's for the best. And also, they are always trying to take away my fun as well.

I would be much more willing to be a Christian if there weren't so many requirements.

their Christian, everyone in my family is
Then go to your minister or pastor or priest, and ask for counselling. Make sure your parents KNOW you are doing this (back to the 'guilt as a motivator' thing), and invite them to participate in some family counselling too. There may be other resources available too - have a look around, or call your county mental health department for suggestions.

Your pastor knows your family (hopefully) and is in a better postition to give relevant advice than a bunch of anonymous internet junkies.

Hmm. Yeah, if your parents arguing is getting you down, try not to be around when they do. Being exposed constantly to negativity will not help you.

I don't suppose realizing that it could be worse will help your mood, but its true. At least they aren't sodomizing you like some parents do.

and is in a better postition to give relevant advice than a bunch of anonymous internet junkies.

Speak for yourself. I can quit any time I want!

A parental argument is a fight in a war, and you are a weapon. Whoever controls the weapon will have the major advantage in the war.

Get out of the house whenever they start to fight. Go to a relatives if you're too young to go to a friends house. Just get out the moment it starts. Don't get involved. Don't take any of their weight on your shoulders.

Buddom you make such a great point. I hate the Catholic Church, and other Christains, for causing so much hate in people's homes. They should approve of divorce because sometimes it's for the best. And also, they are always trying to take away my fun as well.

I would be much more willing to be a Christian if there weren't so many requirements.

....Become a Quaker? Less requirements, but they are pretty serious....

Buddom you make such a great point. I hate the Catholic Church, and other Christains, for causing so much hate in people's homes. They should approve of divorce because sometimes it's for the best. And also, they are always trying to take away my fun as well.

I would be much more willing to be a Christian if there weren't so many requirements.


well, I see this has turned into another Christian bashing thread, it's funny when people say we force our thoughts onto others and then you say something like that, ironic really

Learn from their mistakes and wait for college. Seriously, you're seventeen and have your own life to think about. If they want to act like children and can't talk about things like adults, then that's not your problem. Just learn from their mistakes and understand that there are more effective ways to communicate in a relationship than they are demonstrating. There's nothing you can really do at this point, although I admire the fact you want to help.

I was just infront of another fight between my parents and I am so lost. I don't know what to do, I want to find some way to stop their fights, because they always fight infront of me. On the other hand, I think that maybe they just need to work it out themselves. However, they have been fighting like this for 14 years, and each one seems to be worse. I sometimes wonder if they will get divorced. They promise that they won't but I don't know if they are just saying that, or are serious. They are really good people but they don't seem to get along. Let's just say the phrase,"opposites attract," doesn't seem to work. So, does anyone have advice to give me?

Talk to a counselor. Please do that soon.

Learn from their mistakes and wait for college. Seriously, you're seventeen and have your own life to think about. If they want to act like children and can't talk about things like adults, then that's not your problem. Just learn from their mistakes and understand that there are more effective ways to communicate in a relationship than they are demonstrating. There's nothing you can really do at this point, although I admire the fact you want to help.

thank you, before coming into this thread, your plan stated here is what I planned to do, and maybe when I am out of the house they'll realize that they need to get along at home otherwise it will be very hard

Talk to a counselor. Please do that soon.

that will be my last resort if all else fails

that will be my last resort if all else fails

It should be your first resort. You will not solve their problem and you need help in dealing with it. Talk to a counselor now.

It should be your first resort. You will not solve their problem and you need help in dealing with it. Talk to a counselor now.

actually I believe that letting things work out should be a first resort, but then again that hasn't seemed to work

Then go to your minister or pastor or priest, and ask for counselling. Make sure your parents KNOW you are doing this (back to the 'guilt as a motivator' thing), and invite them to participate in some family counselling too. There may be other resources available too - have a look around, or call your county mental health department for suggestions.

Your pastor knows your family (hopefully) and is in a better postition to give relevant advice than a bunch of anonymous internet junkies.

Why? Why would someone with a vested interest be a better source of advice, automatically?

I was just infront of another fight between my parents and I am so lost. I don't know what to do, I want to find some way to stop their fights, because they always fight infront of me. On the other hand, I think that maybe they just need to work it out themselves. However, they have been fighting like this for 14 years, and each one seems to be worse. I sometimes wonder if they will get divorced. They promise that they won't but I don't know if they are just saying that, or are serious. They are really good people but they don't seem to get along. Let's just say the phrase,"opposites attract," doesn't seem to work. So, does anyone have advice to give me?
Not physical fighting, I assume? Most healthy marriages have fights-not having them or having too many isn't healthy. If they are rare (once a month or two) just go and see a movie or something. By the time you come back, it should be over.

Adapt.

Figure out a way to profit from it. Guilt is a powerful lever.
Aye. Blackmail is how I get my allowance. And some cash on the side...

Talk to a counselor. Please do that soon.
Oh yeah, that's also a great way. Then they know you're really serious about your concerns.

I grew up with this and I did a few things to show my parents what they were doing. I ran away (not advisable) and when I returned they promised to stop, a couple of days later everything was back to normal. So now when they fight just block em out. They way I do it is turn my radio way up and read a book, its actually a nice release. Or you could tell them to stop and tell them how your feeling and instead of arguing talk through a situation. You act like the adult to show them how childish they are being.

Adapt.

Figure out a way to profit from it. Guilt is a powerful lever.
It's like with any war; profit-mongers come out ahead.

If you're a girl, crying to daddy later when he's alone from mom may yield benefits. If you're guy, comfort mom and make her feel better...

Just try and reep the benefits.

Adapt.

Figure out a way to profit from it. Guilt is a powerful lever.
Ahh...Tactical Grace, you are a person of great wisdom.