NationStates Jolt Archive

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.

It's called the US, 2026.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.

Depends what you're going to do with it, but it sounds like an excellent children's dystopia. In that spirit, I'd call my protagonist Guy Savage (a fluffle to the first person to get the references).

Depends what you're going to do with it, but it sounds like an excellent children's dystopia. In that spirit, I'd call my protagonist Guy Savage (a fluffle to the first person to get the references).
would you like some SOMA?

It's called the US, 2026.

I wish I could come up with a rebuttal. I cannot.

Sounds like it could be interesting.

Not sure what to do on the name front. Picking realistic names isn't difficult, just find like... a year book or newspaper or anything, nab a random first name and then nab a random last name. Or if you want names to fit a character's personality use a site like babynames.com or whatever and search for meanings and pick a name from that.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.

Awesome idea!!! You should probably have all the kids have "little kid" type names - Zoe, Bobby, Carrie, Teddy, Chrissy, etc. Otherwise, go to a baby names website and choose a name that means whatever it is that you want the personality/character to embody - that's what I do when I don't have an awesome name already in place!

I wish I could come up with a rebuttal. I cannot.

How about "It's called the US, 2008"??? :D

Awesome idea!!! You should probably have all the kids have "little kid" type names - Zoe, Bobby, Carrie, Teddy, Chrissy, etc. Otherwise, go to a baby names website and choose a name that means whatever it is that you want the personality/character to embody - that's what I do when I don't have an awesome name already in place!

Man, I read 'Carrie' as 'Carnie' the first time around, and was seriously weirded out by your choice of names for a few seconds. :D

That's one thing, since your book doesn't sound like fantasy or far future sci-fi, you should keep the names normal. Names like Venyaviva and Da'kisna should not be touched by near future sci fi.

And please stay away from 'creative' spellings of normal names. Things like Krissteen and Jaycen... it just looks stupid. In my opinion. Christine and Jason are perfectly acceptable names.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.
and....

what's the plot?

would you like some SOMA?
Sure! Always take your SOMA. http://www.studip.uni-goettingen.de/pictures/smile/pills.gif

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.
*shudders*
That would suck. I'd commit suicide rfom feeling that trapped. I can't take that kind of pressure.

Heavy 1984 theme, sounds nice, feels like a revolution waiting to happen... did I just spoil the plot?

would you like some SOMA?

That's one reference. What's the other one?

Man, I read 'Carrie' as 'Carnie' the first time around, and was seriously weirded out by your choice of names for a few seconds. :D

That's one thing, since your book doesn't sound like fantasy or far future sci-fi, you should keep the names normal. Names like Venyaviva and Da'kisna should not be touched by near future sci fi.

And please stay away from 'creative' spellings of normal names. Things like Krissteen and Jaycen... it just looks stupid. In my opinion. Christine and Jason are perfectly acceptable names.

Oooh, scary!

If you do a creative spelling, do it only once, and make it within reason. Ex. Christene for Christine, but make it more fun so that it makes sense that someone did it. Like Nine Tan-Leven, whose "real" first name is not Nine (it's something that would normally be shortened to Nina, I think).

That's one reference. What's the other one?
Doc Savage?

Sounds interesting, especially since I can picture the US being like that in another decade or so. For some reason it seems to be that if you're under 18 you're the devil and should be locked up under all circumstances and forbidden from doing pretty much anything except being taken advantage of to further propoganda under reason of "think of the children".

Names? Hmm...I'd suggest very innocent sounding names, except Bambi, that's a hooker name...like Catherine, Mary, Arnold, and Elmo.

Doc Savage?

Hint: He's got a fiery personality.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.
It looks like you're going for a reduction to absurdity of the "WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN" argument in the same mold as George Orwell took state control in 1984. I like the idea and wish you success.

As far as character names, don't do what Ursula K. Le Guin did in her otherwise fine novella The Lathe of Heaven and name your main character (or indeed any character) "George Orr." An homage is one thing, humping the honored is something else entirely.

Sometimes I think novel characters suffer from overthinking on names. Or even too cutesy, like a gardener who's last name is Green or Bush or Plant. Seems to me that if you wanted to be cutesy AND topical, you'd name a gardener Verde or La Planta (Spanish for Greeen and Plant, respectively and a nod to the current immigration fiasco).

Think about the arcs and lives your characters will inhabit and give them names that ring well. When I think of good novel names, a few come to mind. Ever read Catcher in the Rye? The rule-humping Frank Burns-like character is called Stradlater. That's a name that just screams "annoying roommate" to me. I like to use names from my own past if the character is similar enough -- changing just enough for plausible deniability later. One bully in my old school was named Tom Osborne. I named the major asshat in one of my stories Matt Kilbourne. Tom backwards = Mot, and change to a close name sound; and I'd often wished death on Osbourne and have step-relatives with the legitimate name of Kilborn, so I thought Kill Osborne --> Kill 'Borne + Kilborn (change to British English and voila) = Kilbourne.

Little fake formulae like that makes naming almost fun. In the end, you're the one who will live the most with your characters, so all I really can say is make sure YOU like the names.

Best of luck!

It's called the US, 2026.
Sad, but true:( DAMN YOU CHILD ADVOCACY GROUPS:upyours:

Sad, but true:( DAMN YOU CHILD ADVOCACY GROUPS:upyours:
They have the right idea, but they need to take it out on MySpace instead of curfews and that crap.

It's called the US, 2026.

You must be psychic or something. that was going to be the time period of the story... :eek:

Heavy 1984 theme, sounds nice, feels like a revolution waiting to happen... did I just spoil the plot?

I've never read 1984, but I've heard a few times on this site. There is a revolution waiting to happen though... in every story like that there is some type of revolution. Big evil dictatorship-like person/government, you know, of ocurse there's goign to be a revolution or some sort!

But anyway, this is around 2020-something. I want names that sound cool but seem normal, like Violet, Carrie, but not Lily since I'm writing another story that's set around 10 years after this one and the prtagonist's name is Lilly Day. But I'm not sure what my parents would think if I was looking at baby name sites, though, and I want to avoid the questions so that's why I asked you guys. One character might be named Jessica, but it's still early to tell yet.

Okay, don't think I'm basing this off of 1984, because I frankly don't know anythign baout the book and I just thought of the idea today.

And another warning: There are some uh, religious overtones in it (possibly) but Christmas and Easter are no longer celbrated because of the whole "think of the children" thing, and it's frowned upon to teach kids religion. It's not anti-Christian, honestly, it's not.

I wish you the best of luck, and as someone who has writen a bit himself, I want to give you a small heads up:

I love your subject, brilliant, but there is a fine line between a social comintary (like Orwell's work) and a political work. Make sure that it doesn't get too close to the edge and falls off into the one you don't want it too be.

I assume you are writing a social comintary. Just be careful with word choice, characters, real people, things like that. This can mean the difference between a best seller and a banned book.

But hey, you're the author, and good luck with it. If you haven't writen before, prepare to either become a caffine addict or a slow writer. ;)

I wish you the best of luck, and as someone who has writen a bit himself, I want to give you a small heads up:

I love your subject, brilliant, but there is a fine line between a social comintary (like Orwell's work) and a political work. Make sure that it doesn't get too close to the edge and falls off into the one you don't want it too be.

I assume you are writing a social comintary. Just be careful with word choice, characters, real people, things like that. This can mean the difference between a best seller and a banned book.

But hey, you're the author, and good luck with it. If you haven't writen before, prepare to either become a caffine addict or a slow writer. ;)

Yeah, I've written before. IT is kind of a social commentary, but in my mind it's a tad political too. I'm not going to use real people at all- everyone will be made up. There won't be any swearing (it will be along the lines of "Bob Summers swore loudly") so I doubt it will be banned for language.

I've never read 1984, but I've heard a few times on this site. There is a revolution waiting to happen though... in every story like that there is some type of revolution. Big evil dictatorship-like person/government, you know, of ocurse there's goign to be a revolution or some sort!

But anyway, this is around 2020-something. I want names that sound cool but seem normal, like Violet, Carrie, but not Lily since I'm writing another story that's set around 10 years after this one and the prtagonist's name is Lilly Day. But I'm not sure what my parents would think if I was looking at baby name sites, though, and I want to avoid the questions so that's why I asked you guys. One character might be named Jessica, but it's still early to tell yet.

What questions are you trying to avoid? If it's about your story, that could be problematic, but if you want to avoid the "and what are you doing THERE?" questions, start by telling your parents about the story and ask them if they have any good ideas for names. Then, when you are on a site about baby names, or looking in a babyname book, they'll go "Oh, it must be for the story." Theoretically.

Edit: Oh, and don't do Violet. It IS cool and I like it, but it's old-fashioned and will give the wrong impression. Unless you want there to be an old-fashioned feel to it for some reason.

Depends what you're going to do with it, but it sounds like an excellent children's dystopia. In that spirit, I'd call my protagonist Guy Savage (a fluffle to the first person to get the references).


I'm thinking Huxley's Brave New World or Orwell's 1984 :)

I'm thinking Huxley's Brave New World or Orwell's 1984 :)

One is Brave New World. The other reference still apparently eludes people. . .

Okay, I'll give a dead giveaway: it's by the same author as "A Sound Like Thunder".

One is Brave New World. The other reference still apparently eludes people. . .

Okay, I'll give a dead giveaway: it's by the same author as "A Sound Like Thunder".


Ah! Sonny Brewer

One is Brave New World. The other reference still apparently eludes people. . .

Okay, I'll give a dead giveaway: it's by the same author as "A Sound Like Thunder".

.....The Poet of Tolstoy Park?

.....The Poet of Tolstoy Park?

Possibly, but what's the name of the work?


Ah! Sonny Brewer

You'd better be joking with me. . .

Possibly, but what's the name of the work?



You'd better be joking with me. . .


Yes I am. He wrote a childrens book called A Sound Like Thunder. So I couldn't resist.

I've never read it, I just saw it on Amazon.com while I looked up that book

On my little cousins reading list, had to find it.

I'm stumped.

*shudders*
That would suck. I'd commit suicide rfom feeling that trapped. I can't take that kind of pressure.

lol calm down Tweak. ;) :p :D

Possibly, but what's the name of the work?



You'd better be joking with me. . .

No, I'm just teasing you like Wanderjar is. Work of the same guy.

Yes I am. He wrote a childrens book called A Sound Like Thunder. So I couldn't resist.

I've never read it, I just saw it on Amazon.com while I looked up that book

On my little cousins reading list, had to find it.

I'm stumped.

Eh. Actually its "A Sound of Thunder". I thought that would be an easier giveaway than it was. . .

It's called the US, 2026.
Or China, 2006

Eh. Actually its "A Sound of Thunder". I thought that would be an easier giveaway than it was. . .


A sound of thunder...


I remember now! Ray Bradberry


You said Like not of, so that confused me :P


Do I get a fluffle?

Edit: Oh, and don't do Violet. It IS cool and I like it, but it's old-fashioned and will give the wrong impression. Unless you want there to be an old-fashioned feel to it for some reason.

Old-fashioned could actually make a fair amount of sense for this story - picking popular Victorian-era or 1950s-era names for some of the younger characters isn't a half bad idea, in my opinion. :)

I remember now! Ray Bradberry


Ah, right, the protagonist of Fahrenheit 451 is named Guy, isn't he? It's been long enough since I read that book that I'd forgotten his name.

Old-fashioned could actually make a fair amount of sense for this story - picking popular Victorian-era or 1950s-era names for some of the younger characters isn't a half bad idea, in my opinion. :)

It could, which is why I have that last sentence. It gives a specific idea, which would make sense for this story but if that isn't the impression/idea he/she wants to give, those names shouldn't be used.

Ah, right, the protagonist of Fahrenheit 451 is named Guy, isn't he? It's been long enough since I read that book that I'd forgotten his name.


Yup. I haven't read the book, but I remembered his name was Guy something, the fireman.

Ah, right, the protagonist of Fahrenheit 451 is named Guy, isn't he? It's been long enough since I read that book that I'd forgotten his name.

Yes, but he is Guy Montag, not Guy Savage.

Yup. I haven't read the book, but I remembered his name was Guy something, the fireman.

His last name is...Montag, I think. Something like that, anyway.

And it's an excellent book. I recommend it. :)

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.

Sounds like a dictator's dream.

Okay- a little bit more about my story- it's set around 2021 or 2022, and all the Jessicas and Codys and others oyu see today are adults, hence the prez's name being Justin Innes. (I borrowed some names off the 5th, 6th, and 7th graders in my yearbook, and got some off my sister.) The main characters are about 14 and starting 9th grade (I like to keep my characters close to my own age) with the exception of Layla Montgomery (my sister came up with this name) who is 13. The others are Kelly Fey (might change Kelly to something else though, it's not one of my favorites), Adam Roberts, and Dakota Lacey. I'm probably changing Kelly's name, but keeping the others. Do they seem like good names?
:confused:

Okay- a little bit more about my story- it's set around 2021 or 2022, and all the Jessicas and Codys and others oyu see today are adults, hence the prez's name being Justin Innes. (I borrowed some names off the 5th, 6th, and 7th graders in my yearbook, and got some off my sister.) The main characters are about 14 and starting 9th grade (I like to keep my characters close to my own age) with the exception of Layla Montgomery (my sister came up with this name) who is 13. The others are Kelly Fey (might change Kelly to something else though, it's not one of my favorites), Adam Roberts, and Dakota Lacey. I'm probably changing Kelly's name, but keeping the others. Do they seem like good names?
:confused:

Hmm. I'd lean away from "Dakota," personally, and "Layla Montgomery" kind of sounds more like the heroine in a cheesy romance novel than the sort of name a real person gets. I can more easily see a Layla Montgomery swooning as her velvet bodice is ripped asunder than attending middle school. ;) "Adam Roberts" is perhaps a teensy touch on the excessively generic side for a fictional character. "Fey" is fine if you want to evoke the meaning of that word, but I'd avoid it if you're not specifically going for that effect.

You might also want to keep in mind that names for people in power 15 years from now should be typical of current 30-45 year olds, not current sixth graders. :)

What questions are you trying to avoid? If it's about your story, that could be problematic, but if you want to avoid the "and what are you doing THERE?" questions, start by telling your parents about the story and ask them if they have any good ideas for names. Then, when you are on a site about baby names, or looking in a babyname book, they'll go "Oh, it must be for the story." Theoretically

Yeah, well... I just want to aviod the awkward quesitons, is all. I actually do go on baby name sites quite a bit,but I don't want my mom to walk in and start asking why I'm on that site.

Hmm. I'd lean away from "Dakota," personally, and "Layla Montgomery" kind of sounds more like the heroine in a cheesy romance novel than the sort of name a real person gets. I can more easily see a Layla Montgomery swooning as her velvet bodice is ripped asunder than attending middle school. ;) "Adam Roberts" is perhaps a teensy touch on the excessively generic side for a fictional character. "Fey" is fine if you want to evoke the meaning of that word, but I'd avoid it if you're not specifically going for that effect.

You might also want to keep in mind that names for people in power 15 years from now should be typical of current 30-45 year olds, not current sixth graders. :)

Hmm, yeah, maybe... Heh... But the teachers' names will remain though, I'm not using their first names, just their last names. But I have trouble naming characters sometimes. I just odn't want to wind up naming more characters after hurricanes (ie, Bonnie, Isabel, Camille, etc.)

Actually you do have a good point too, the prez is generally 40-50 yrs old, and Innes would be about 25-30, so maybe not. Maybe Innes will just be some over-zealous campaigner or osmething.

Yes, but he is Guy Montag, not Guy Savage.

There were two references in that name: one to Guy Montag from Fahrenheit 451 and one to the Savage from Brave New World.

Hmm. I'm trying to avoid the surnames Wilson, Partlow, Kaefer, Brown, and Kreuder. I don't want the name Lily or any variant, and no Kelly.

Hmm, yeah, maybe... Heh... But the teachers' names will remain though, I'm not using their first names, just their last names. But I have trouble naming characters sometimes. I just odn't want to wind up naming more characters after hurricanes (ie, Bonnie, Isabel, Camille, etc.)

Yeah, a whole bunch of hurricane characters might be a little odd. :)

Honest suggestion, as someone who's both written and worked with a whole lot of writers - use a phone book. Flip through at random, and find first and last names that seem to fit your characters, but don't use any names you've never heard before.

Which reminds me - one minor mistake that I think a lot of amateur writers fall into is feeling that their characters' names should sound "special" in some way. In extreme cases, this leads to characters named Rowaine Angelique Ravensword or something god-awful like that, but even going halfway there can create characters whose names just kind of sound...fictional. Don't be afraid to name characters things like "Bob Kowalski", or "Alice Martin", or "Jake Perlstein." Names like that ring truer to readers, in general, than Isabels, Camilles, and Laylas do. (And if you're going to call a character Layla, make it plausible to your readers that her parents were huge Clapton fans or something. :p )

Yeah, a whole bunch of hurricane characters might be a little odd. :)

Honest suggestion, as someone who's both written and worked with a whole lot of writers - use a phone book. Flip through at random, and find first and last names that seem to fit your characters, but don't use any names you've never heard before.

Which reminds me - one minor mistake that I think a lot of amateur writers fall into is feeling that their characters' names should sound "special" in some way. In extreme cases, this leads to characters named Rowaine Angelique Ravensword or something god-awful like that, but even going halfway there can create characters whose names just kind of sound...fictional. Don't be afraid to name characters things like "Bob Kowalski", or "Alice Martin", or "Jake Perlstein." Names like that ring truer to readers, in general, than Isabels, Camilles, and Laylas do. (And if you're going to call a character Layla, make it plausible to your readers that her parents were huge Clapton fans or something. :p )

Clapton...??? I'm trying to make my character's names sound normal, like everyday names, but what we might see in the 2020's, so they might be just a little different from the ones today.

Okay... revised names.
Layla Davidson, Damon Lacey, Ethan Kelly, and Kendra Faye. Innes' first name is Malcolm. Sound better?

Acceptable name choices, but as far as naming in general, usually parents try and make it so that the first and last name complement eachother/don't completly clash. So, choose a last name and then decide the gender then act like you were a parent naming the kid that way I find you get more normal sounding people.

Okay, that's cool. I've already started on chapter one, but it's not very long. And... more about teh story.

A manual is given to every kid as soon as they start school. It lists all the rules that they must follow or else get sent to Behavior Camp, Re-Education Camp (which is a bit worse than BC, in my opinion) and you can have things legally revoked if oyu don't go to the right websites or watch the wrong shows. There is Juvenile detention but that is only for drugs and stuff like that. There are thirteen rules, but they are very harsh. Does that sound good? I'll do some more stuff later.

You only seem to have a setting so far, not a story but I think most great Sci-Fi's start off that way. I think a way you could structure it is to have one set of characters living on the outside and one set inside the prison and have it flick between the two.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.


shh Joe Lieberman or Hilary Clinton might read this and get another horrible idea they think kids and teens are to rebelious and are trying to damper that well people like them give them reasons to rebel with them trying to outlaw everything kids enjoy doing

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.
Weird.

Highly improbable, although could be good for a laugh or three. Name one of the rebellious little brats "Billy Baddaz" and have him resist the system to the point where the powers that be realize that some of the most creative types are the very ones they're trying to repress. :)

The book sounds cool. http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/ This is a sight that shows you popular baby names by year and decade. I hope it helps. And when you are thinking of last names, consider where (city/state) the characters are from, and also their race. You most likely won't find a Polish kid named David Romero and you won't find a hispanic kid named Sergio Fitzgerald.:D You know what I mean? :)

Weird.

Highly improbable, although could be good for a laugh or three. Name one of the rebellious little brats "Billy Baddaz" and have him resist the system to the point where the powers that be realize that some of the most creative types are the very ones they're trying to repress. :)

Yeah, it's going to be intense at times but a lot of it is going to be politcial-based humor. I'm NOT naming somebody "Billy Baddaz," I'm tryign to keep the names as normal as possible. So, here are the characters so far:

Layla Thomas: A popular 13-year-old with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Kendra Faye: In the beginning of the story it is the day after her fifteenth brithday. She is popular among the guys and has blonde hair and green eyes.
Ethan Kelly: He is a sort-of popular guy with brown hair and brown eyes, and he is fourteen.
Damon Lacey: He is very smart, and able to find patterns and links wiht ease. He's a black kid who has been ostracized by the other black kids at his school because he acts too "white."

The main teachers are Mr. Tex, Miss Sage, Mrs. Whittington, and Mrs. Jensen.

Ebony Lacey is Damon's ten-year-old sister. Kathryn Thomas is Layla's sister. Kyle and Ashlyn Faye are Kendra's cousins, who are about seven months older than she is. Adrian Kelly is Ethan's brother, and Jayden Travers is a friend of Kendra's.

The plot: Kendra is arrested after breaking curfew and gets landed in BC for two weeks, and because school is starting in a week she has to go there after school. Everyone at Adamton High knows about Kendra's arrest but nobody can do anything. Toward the end Damon discovers something and there is a huge revolution.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18.
We call that "housing." You lose your kids if you don't do it.
The national curfew was 10 PM for minors
That's too close to being reasonable. How about 1/2 hour after school lets out?
Half the Internet has been shut down
yep. Done already.
Classes are biased to protect kids.
Well duh.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.
Your protagonist is a kid, right?
You could go: The Internet and the Mall are tightly controlled, unplayful spheres where no kid with self-respect would go. Your protagonist bucks the rules by reading books and fishing, and learns a bunch of subversive stuff that way. "Fahrenheit 451" by Bradbury.
Or perhaps: Your protagonist grows up in this controlled environment, but never sees the other options. They exchange Tamagotchi cheat codes with his/her similarly brainwashed friends, but to them it means something different, something subversive. Protagonist grows up, still subversive, and tries to protect the next generation's right to rebel in that coded, subcultural way. But the next generation get under the protagonist's radar, just as he/she did. Sort of like "Brave New World" by Huxley.

First names say a lot more about the parent, and their expectations, than they do about the person named. Shoot for the moon here, something like "Duty" or "Innocent."

Publish by blog. That way, you get feedback direct from your readers, and don't chasing the archaic expectations of the tree-butchers. Forget making money from writing novels - if that's the plan, giving the text away is still the best course. Get famous, then offer a publisher the honour of printing you.
Writing is a very noble way to starve, you know? :fluffle:

We call that "housing." You lose your kids if you don't do it.
What I meant by "sheltered" was not really supposed to be interpreted as "roof over one's head". I was saying that they were told child-sized versions of the truth and had very strict laws restricting their behavior, regardless of whether they are 8 or 17.

That's too close to being reasonable. How about 1/2 hour after school lets out? That's an idea, for a debate in my books, but it won't go down well. Thanks for the idea.

yep. Done already. Myspace hasn't ben shut down yet. Half the porn sites havent been shut down yet, but by 2021 they are. Kids are only allowed to go to government-approved websites, and any other sites are illegal.

Well duh. But durign the story it's not a religion-based bias. Talking about religion, body issues (such as sex), and politics is completely banned in schools, and will et you sent to a kind of Behavior Camp or Re-education camp.


Your protagonist is a kid, right? There's four protagonists, and they're going into high school.

You could go: The Internet and the Mall are tightly controlled, unplayful spheres where no kid with self-respect would go. Your protagonist bucks the rules by reading books and fishing, and learns a bunch of subversive stuff that way. "Fahrenheit 451" by Bradbury. LEarnign the subversive stuff was where I was aiming for. Or perhaps: Your protagonist grows up in this controlled environment, but never sees the other options. They exchange Tamagotchi cheat codes with his/her similarly brainwashed friends, but to them it means something different, something subversive. Protagonist grows up, still subversive, and tries to protect the next generation's right to rebel in that coded, subcultural way. But the next generation get under the protagonist's radar, just as he/she did. Sort of like "Brave New World" by Huxley. Erm... okay.
First names say a lot more about the parent, and their expectations, than they do about the person named. Shoot for the moon here, something like "Duty" or "Innocent." No.

Publish by blog. That way, you get feedback direct from your readers, and don't chasing the archaic expectations of the tree-butchers. Forget making money from writing novels - if that's the plan, giving the text away is still the best course. Get famous, then offer a publisher the honour of printing you.
Writing is a very noble way to starve, you know? :fluffle: I don't want to publish by blog. And what if my books are published on recycled paper?

Yeah, it's going to be intense at times but a lot of it is going to be politcial-based humor. I'm NOT naming somebody "Billy Baddaz," I'm tryign to keep the names as normal as possible. So, here are the characters so far:

Layla Thomas: A popular 13-year-old with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Kendra Faye: In the beginning of the story it is the day after her fifteenth brithday. She is popular among the guys and has blonde hair and green eyes.
Ethan Kelly: He is a sort-of popular guy with brown hair and brown eyes, and he is fourteen.
Damon Lacey: He is very smart, and able to find patterns and links wiht ease. He's a black kid who has been ostracized by the other black kids at his school because he acts too "white."

The main teachers are Mr. Tex, Miss Sage, Mrs. Whittington, and Mrs. Jensen.

Ebony Lacey is Damon's ten-year-old sister. Kathryn Thomas is Layla's sister. Kyle and Ashlyn Faye are Kendra's cousins, who are about seven months older than she is. Adrian Kelly is Ethan's brother, and Jayden Travers is a friend of Kendra's.

The plot: Kendra is arrested after breaking curfew and gets landed in BC for two weeks, and because school is starting in a week she has to go there after school. Everyone at Adamton High knows about Kendra's arrest but nobody can do anything. Toward the end Damon discovers something and there is a huge revolution.

I think your main characters' names have genuinely improved greatly over the course of this discussion. (I particularly liked the change from "Justin" to "Malcolm" for your prez - the latter sounds infinitely more presidential to me, at least.) However, the secondary characters could use a bit of work yet, unless the letter "Y" is going to become so mind-bogglingly fashionable in the next few years that no parents can bear to leave one out of their child's name. :p (A minor detail - not one of these ten kids appears to go by a nickname or shortened form of their name. That's pretty unusual, and is especially less than ideal when you're depicting a society in which you specifically want to show children being overprotected and infantilized.)

Incidentally, publishing by blog or online is really not a bad idea, especially early in one's writing career. If the novel goes well, you could also consider self-publishing with Lulu or a similar service.

Good luck! :)

P.S. I suggested Layla's parents be Clapton fans because by far the most famous "Layla" in existence is his song of the same name. You know, "Layla/ You got me on my knees, Layla/ I'm begging darlin' please, Layla/ Darling won't you ease my worried mi-i-ind...")

Publish by blog. ... Writing is a very noble way to starve, you know?
I don't want to publish by blog. And what if my books are published on recycled paper?
It was late when I wrote that. Thanks for taking my advice seriously.
Publishing by blog certainly hasn't made me famous, let alone rich. But you get feedback from the people who are interested enough to read it (and insults for no reason, of course.) You find out what your target audience is like, and you can see what's working and what isn't.

A society that has gone so far off the deep end in the name of 'protecting the children' from crap they don't really need protection from? Nice, pertinent idea there. I'm pretty sure we'll be living your distopia sooner than later.

If you'd like some ideas for one of those 'detention camps,' I highly recommend satirizing the Tranqulity Bay Facility. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tranquility_Bay) It's a horrific place, and undoubtedly would be a nice model for a children's 're-education' camp in your book. There was a thread about it a while back.... titled 'Deeply Disturbing' IIRC. Look it up if you're curious.

A society that has gone so far off the deep end in the name of 'protecting the children' from crap they don't really need protection from? Nice, pertinent idea there. I'm pretty sure we'll be living your distopia sooner than later.

If you'd like some ideas for one of those 'detention camps,' I highly recommend satirizing the Tranqulity Bay Facility. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tranquility_Bay) It's a horrific place, and undoubtedly would be a nice model for a children's 're-education' camp in your book. There was a thread about it a while back.... titled 'Deeply Disturbing' IIRC. Look it up if you're curious.

Cool...

But now I'm thinking of changing Ethan's name back to Adam, since I like the name "Adam Kelly" better than "Ethan Kelly."

And to whomever it may concern... I hadn't thought of nicknames. It's a good idea though. :D

I think your main characters' names have genuinely improved greatly over the course of this discussion. (I particularly liked the change from "Justin" to "Malcolm" for your prez - the latter sounds infinitely more presidential to me, at least.) However, the secondary characters could use a bit of work yet, unless the letter "Y" is going to become so mind-bogglingly fashionable in the next few years that no parents can bear to leave one out of their child's name. :p (A minor detail - not one of these ten kids appears to go by a nickname or shortened form of their name. That's pretty unusual, and is especially less than ideal when you're depicting a society in which you specifically want to show children being overprotected and infantilized.)

Incidentally, publishing by blog or online is really not a bad idea, especially early in one's writing career. If the novel goes well, you could also consider self-publishing with Lulu or a similar service.

Good luck! :)

P.S. I suggested Layla's parents be Clapton fans because by far the most famous "Layla" in existence is his song of the same name. You know, "Layla/ You got me on my knees, Layla/ I'm begging darlin' please, Layla/ Darling won't you ease my worried mi-i-ind...")

I was just usign the name "Layla" because I liked it. Oo

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.


Whats wrong with a society like this? Its one I work towards. You forgot the flogging of children who sass grown ups........


One thing your bit about private schools and the public ones for those who can't afford it.....generally parents will want to send their kids to the best schools, in most (NOT ALL so don't go biting my cyber toes off) cases private schools are the better ones and if parents can afford it they will send their kids there.

Whats wrong with a society like this? Its one I work towards. You forgot the flogging of children who sass grown ups........


One thing your bit about private schools and the public ones for those who can't afford it.....generally parents will want to send their kids to the best schools, in most (NOT ALL so don't go biting my cyber toes off) cases private schools are the better ones and if parents can afford it they will send their kids there.

The public schools are for the people who CAN'T afford it.

"Think of the Children!!!!"
This isn't another pedophile thread is it?

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.

Not a bad setting. More or less as vile as the other extreme...

A society that treats anyone under the age of 18 no different from those older. No curfews for minors. Juveniles violating any law are penalized like adults. Prisons are filled with children, all of whom are preyed upon by adult prisoners. The concept of 'legal guardians' has been abolished; children rely on good will and their ability to make their own way in the world alone. Education is public, but children can only enter (even kindergarten or pre-school) if they themselves can pay their tuition. Child pornography and prostitution are legal, accepted and rampant. Children regularly sign up for the military in order to get any sort of shelter and earning. Infant mortality rate skyrockets.

"Think of the Children!!!!"
This isn't another pedophile thread is it?

You didn't see the first post, did you?

You didn't see the first post, did you?

Obviously not.

I actually like the idea above about "Duty" and "Innocent" except that that is a bit obvious. Using the current day versions, however, would give that subtle edge you are looking for, if you don't do it too much. So, Grace, Harmony, Melody.... maybe use Grace instead of Layla? Or, how about making Layla her middle name, but since she prefers Layla, that's what she generally goes by? Just mention it somewhere when she's introduced, and then forget all about calling her Grace (or Melody, or Harmony) except maybe when her parents are talking to her. Then you don't really have to do any big explanations about why her parents named her Layla, since middle names are often just the "it sounded pretty" names.

Obviously not.

I actually like the idea above about "Duty" and "Innocent" except that that is a bit obvious. Using the current day versions, however, would give that subtle edge you are looking for, if you don't do it too much. So, Grace, Harmony, Melody.... maybe use Grace instead of Layla? Or, how about making Layla her middle name, but since she prefers Layla, that's what she generally goes by? Just mention it somewhere when she's introduced, and then forget all about calling her Grace (or Melody, or Harmony) except maybe when her parents are talking to her. Then you don't really have to do any big explanations about why her parents named her Layla, since middle names are often just the "it sounded pretty" names.

Harmony Layla Thomas... Has a nice ring to it. I might use that. :)

Okay... about the Manual. It is officially called the Minor's Rule Manual. BC is Behavior Camp and is used as a punishment for a first offense. RC is Re-education Camp and is used as a punishment for a second offense, and GC (Guidance Counseling) is sometimes used if there is a third offense. Here are the rules:

1) Curfew is 10 pm. BC 1 (2nd offense).
2) Minors can only view government-approved websites. BC 5, RC 5, revoke.
3) Minors may not discuss religion or display religious affiliations in any way in a public setting. BC 14, RC 21.
4) Minors may not discuss bodily concerns in a setting of three or more people. BC 21, RC 28.
5) Minors are not allowed to watch television shows above the rating of G. BC 5, RC 5, revoke.
6) Minors are not allowed to discuss politics or display politicial affiliations. BC 14, RC 14.
7) Creating art of any type that is troubling/depressing is considered a sign of depression. BC 21, GC 28 (second offense), RC 28 (3rd offense).
8) Junk food may not be possessed by minors (trying to cut down on childhood obesity, see. :rolleyes: ). BC 1, RC 5.
9) Minors are not allowed to criticize teachers, classes, or schools in any way. BC 5, RC 7.
10) Schools are privatized and therefore it is up to them how to discipline students for school rule violations, and decide uniforms. Any protest of this will result in BC7, and RC 7.
11) Dating among minors is strictly prohibited. BC 28, RC 35, GC 21.
12) Tank tops are banned from minors in public. All shirts must have sleeves, and any bottoms that do not reach the knees are prohibited, as are dark colors (unless part of a school uniform). BC 7, RC 14.
13) Minors MUST wear ID necklaces AT ALL TIMES. BC 2, RC 3.
14) Portable DVD players, Gameboys/PSPs, and iPods are banned from minors. BC 7, RC 7.
15) Art, movies, and books condoning violence or other dangerous ideas are banned. BC 14, RC 14, GC 14.

In the first part (it's the prologue, not chappie one) (which is 9 and a half HANDWRITTEN pages long!) Kendra is arrested for breaking twelve of the rules, and is sent to BC for 145 days. The camp is Camp Hellene, and while you're in BC you go to your school, but report back to BC after, and you have to wear a purdy bracelet (that's actually quite ugly and embarassing). Jordan once spent fifty-four days at Camp Hellene. I'll indulge more later.

I changed Ashlyn to Jordan, but the character is still female. Ashlyn Faye is now Jordan King, and Kyle is aqlso Kyle King. Their mother is Sara King, and Kendra lives with them because her parents are abroad (will be explained in the story.)

So far in the prologue, the only characters that have showed up are Kendra, Damon, the Kings, and a 17-yr-old named Mary, along with an evil interrogator named Jessica Rhodes and a cop named Annemarie Johnson. Adam and Layla have not showed up yet, but they will. Layla will show up in One. Adam will show up in Two. They all go to the same high school, and Adam goes by "Kel".

So, about behavior camps:
Wake up, do everything you should. Depending on if it's a school day and when it starts, you begin morning excersises. You then jump on a bus and go to your school (in Kendra's case Auradale High)
When you get back from school you do homework, and eat your dinner. You can't talk to anyone, though, or you spend the night in the Freezer (whic his just a very very cold room, not an actual freezer). You write an essay on why you are there, and explain your views on it now with each passing day of BC. You do your night excersises, and go to bed at 10. You may leave the camp on weekends but you have to return Sunday night or pay up.

Re-Ed Camps:
Re-Ed camps are a little tougher than BC (in my opinion). The morning routine is about the same, but after school you write a 500 word essay on what happened that day, what you learned, and now how you think of oyur behavior. You listen to lectures, then do homework, eat, and go to bed. If youtalk to anyone at all you get dragged off to "detention" and get yelled at. You can't leave on weekends- you instead stay at camp and do "reverse activities," depending on what you did to get there (ie, break rule 3.)

Guidance Counseling:
Self-explanatory. Typically you don't get sent to a camp, but in a way they are like re-ed camps, in the sense that they label you as a major discipline problem if you don't do what they tell you to. It's more like mind-control, than actual counseling.

Revokes: If you break TV laws, or internet laws, you get them revoked from you. You can't sneak around the laws.

I've never read 1984, but I've heard a few times on this site. There is a revolution waiting to happen though... in every story like that there is some type of revolution. Big evil dictatorship-like person/government, you know, of ocurse there's goign to be a revolution or some sort!

But anyway, this is around 2020-something. I want names that sound cool but seem normal, like Violet, Carrie, but not Lily since I'm writing another story that's set around 10 years after this one and the prtagonist's name is Lilly Day. But I'm not sure what my parents would think if I was looking at baby name sites, though, and I want to avoid the questions so that's why I asked you guys. One character might be named Jessica, but it's still early to tell yet.

It should be spelt Lillie.

Don't ask why.

Ah, right, the protagonist of Fahrenheit 451 is named Guy, isn't he? It's been long enough since I read that book that I'd forgotten his name.

Coolest. Book. Slash. Movie. Ever.:p

It should be spelt Lillie.

Don't ask why.

Originally it WAS spelt Lillie. I changed the spelling because I preferred Lilly over Lillie.

As soon as I saw the title of this thread, I was reminded of some stand-up act. "Fuck the Children." Was that Dennis Miller, or George Carlin?

Harmony Layla Thomas... Has a nice ring to it. I might use that. :)

Yay! Good. The names should sound nice, as if deliberately picked by a parent. Or, more accurately (especially in the book's world), two.

Yay! Good. The names should sound nice, as if deliberately picked by a parent. Or, more accurately (especially in the book's world), two.

:D The teachers at school call her Harmony too, since for some odd reason teachers can't call you by your middle name, but she still prefers Layla.

Wuld anyone like me to post the prologue here?

Wuld anyone like me to post the prologue here?


Sure, I would kind of like to see it in its entirety.

Sure, I would kind of like to see it in its entirety.

Me tooooooooooooooooooo:)

Sorry, guys, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait. Every time I try to type it up the computer messes up. I'm typing it on Word so it won't be lost. :(

Sorry, you'll have to wait a little bit longer... :(

Arrested!

It was ten-thirty at night in Auradale and the streetlamps were lit up, bathing the streets in a weird yellow light. Alleyways were lit up, and there were police officers roaming every corner.
If you were a foreigner, you would think that this tiny little town had a high crime rate, or that these crazy Americans were paranoid. If you were an American, you would know exactly why the police were there. If you were an adult you either wouldn't mind them or feel better knowing that your kids were safe at home, away from trouble. If you were a kid you'd feel imprisoned.
The streets of Auradale weren't very crowded, it was just a few cars driving home, some old people gossiping on the front porch, and some twenty-somethings going don to the local nightclub. The cops kept an eye out for law-breaking kids. Nope. Nobody except normal people walking around, minding their own business..
Unfortunately the street lamps and cops were a great inconvenience to anyone under the age of eighteen, who happened to be out at this time of night.
Fifteen-year-old Kendra Faye was rushing home, hoping not to be caught by the police. She really didn't want to upset her aunt by getting arrested the day after her birthday and the week before she started high school.
Kendra darted down an alleyway. She was determined not to be caught after curfew. She kept running when she heard a woman yelling "HEY! STOP! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"
Kendra was just about to jump a fence when a strong hand grabbed her ankle and pulled her down. Kendra tried to escape but the officer grabbed her arm and pulled her there, a bright light shining in her face.
"Late getting home, are we?" the officer asked. "Where's your ID necklace?"
"In my bag," said Kendra.
"Well, I'll have to take you to the police station then," said the officer. She pointed the flashlight down, away from Kendra's face, and saw what she was wearing- a black tank top with a gray jacket, and a denim skirt that was too short to be allowed. Kendra's bag was covered in buttons that had all sorts of religious and political statements all over them, such as "JESUS LOVES YOU," and "ELECT KARL MORGAN!" Kendra was in huge trouble, and how she was in even bigger trouble, as the gold cross necklace she was wearing glinted and grabbed the attention of the cop. She hoped the police officer wouldn't search the bag-
But sadly, she did. Out came an iPod with all sorts of metal songs on it, some candy bars, a twenty-year0old PG-13 Harry Potter movie, a black notebook with some rather angsty writings on it, and which said "Kendra + Jayden" on the back. Kendra was mortified. All this stuff had been banned.
"You're coming with me, missy," said the officer sternly, handcuffing Kendra and walking her over to the police car.
As she rode down to the police station, Kendra felt scared. What was she going to do? Was she going home afterward, or would she spend the rest of the night in juvie? Would she spend the rest of the year in camp Hellene? Camp Hellene was a behavior camp for kids who broke the rules or the Manual, and from what Jordan (Kendra's cousin) said, it was rough. Kendra felt sick. How was she going to explain that the clock she was going by was extremely slow, that Jayden was just a best friend rather than a boyfriend, and that Harry Potter did not condone violence or witchcraft.
At the police station, her bag was taken away and she was told to stay in a cell with cold white bars. The cell door slammed shut behind her. The only others in there with her were a rough-looking seventeen-year-old girl dressed in all black, and a black boy in a large white shirt. Kendra sat down on the bench, far away from the black boy. She really didn't know why the boy seemed so familiar.
“What are you in for?” the boy asked.
“Breaking all but three rules of the Manual,” Kendra replied.
“All but three?” the boy said, amazed.
“Yep, the only three I didn’t break were rules Two, Nine, and Ten,” said Kendra lightly, though she was very guilty and scared out of her wits.
The boy laughed. “Twelve out of fifteen rules?! You’re dead.”
“You think? What are you in for?”
“Breaking curfew, that’s all.”
There was a slight pause. The boy looked sideways at Kendra. “You’re Kendra, aren’t you? Jayden Travers’ friend?”
“Yeah,” said Kendra, finally figuring out who the guy was. “You’re the new kid that lives across the street from him, aren’t you?”
“Yep, Damon Lacey. Just moved here from Virginia Beach. It’s a lot stricter here in Auradale than it is there, but maybe that’s because the Child Security Officers there didn’t know which way to turn.”
Kendra smiled.
“Kendra Faye?” The cop was unlocking the cell door. The other girl looked up sadly when Kendra walked over to the door.
“Your aunt’s here,” said the officer. “You have to go to questioning though. Come with me,” she added, grabbing Kendra’s arm once again and walking her over to a dimly lit room in the back. A dark-haired young woman in a business suit was sitting at a large table, across from Sara King, Kendra’s aunt.
“You are Kendra Anne Faye, correct?” asked the woman as the officer shuffled in behind Kendra and closed the door. Kendra nodded.
“Good,” said the woman. “I’m Jessica Rhodes, the local Child Security counselor. Now, according to Officer Annemarie Jackson, you were apprehended down an alleyway off Sunset Street, and found breaking twelve of the fifteen rules of the Minor’s Rulebook and Guidance Manual. Why were you still out on the street at ten-thirty at night?”
“I didn’t realize it was past ten,” said Kendra nervously. “The clock I was going by- it was an hour slow-“
“Where were you?” Ms. Rhodes asked coolly, interrupting Kendra.
“At my friend Jayden’s,” Kendra answered.
“Are you dating him?” asked Ms. Rhodes sternly. “Officer Jackson found this-“ she held up the notebook that said ‘Kendra + Jayden’ on it- “in your bag.”
“No,” said Kendra honestly. “My friend, Addie, wrote that as a joke. We’re just friends, nothing more than that.”
“Officer Jackson also spotted your cross necklace,” Ms. Rhodes said smoothly. Aunt Sara glared at her.
“Doesn’t the First Amendment protect freedom of religion?” asked Kendra. “I’m a Christian and proud of it.” Ms. Rhodes scowled.
“What about your Karl Morgan buttons?” Asked Ms. Rhodes coldly.
“I’m pulling out for Karl Morgan,” said Kendra.
“And the buttons about feminism and-?”
“All true,” said Kendra placidly. Ms. Rhodes fixed her with a very icy stare now.
“Looking through your notebook, we found some very dark writings,” she said.
“I was bored,” said Kendra.
“And the DVD player, with the Harry Potter movie in it?”
“Jayden and I were watching it,” said Kendra.
“You are wearing dark colors, and a tank top,” said Ms. Rhodes. “You know perfectly well that that violates the dress code outlined in Rule Twelve.”
“I like dark colors,” said Kendra.
“You weren’t wearing your ID necklace,” said Ms. Rhodes. “you had it in your bag underneath the candy bars, which are illegal for minors to possess.”
Kendra looked down at her knees. She was off to Camp Hellene.
“We take all of these answers as confessions-“
“Jayden is not my boyfriend!”
“Being with a boy in his house constitutes a relationship, Miss Faye,” said Ms. Rhodes. “So, adding all of it up… I think it will be one hundred forty-five days of behavior camp.”
“A hundred and forty five days?” Aunt Sara exclaimed. “A hundred and forty-five? Where in the world did THAT come from?”
“She broke twelve of the rules, Mrs. King,” said Ms. Rhodes coolly. “I understand that you are upset, but it will be best for her. She must serve the appropriate amount of time for every rule broken, which, you would know, is why Jordan spent fifty-four days in Camp Hellene. This is her first offense, so behavior camp is needed.”

On the way home, Aunt Sara fumed. She was extremely PO’d, but almost all of it was for the Child Security morons. Calling her brother (who happened to be Kendra’s father), she vented, letting loose a stream of insults and “ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE DAYS OF BC!” every five seconds. John Faye sat on the other end, shocked. He was in Japan (his wife, Zoey, was in France- both were reporters) and he couldn’t do anything about it. And now his daughter was in Camp Hellene.
Jordan and Kyle, Kendra’s cousins, were waiting for her at home.
“How’d it go…?” Jordan asked, her voice faltering as she saw how angry her mother was. Kyle kept his mouth shut.
“SHE GOT A HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE DAYS OF BC!”
Jordan gaped.

Kendra, meanwhile, spent the night in juvenile detention with the seventeen-year-old girl from earlier. Janie stared at her while Kendra told her the full story and what her sentence was.
“Well,” said Janie grimly, ‘That’s what happens now, in 2022.”

has anyone read it?

Will someone please read this?!:(

read it, it was good, didnt get bored

random idea, she goes abroad (if thats allowed) to a less controlled society and is surprised to see no policemen or anything, talks to these children in this alien society and thus gets the idea of a secret rebellion (not petty rule breaking, however 12/15 broken rules that sounds bad...)

I liked it. Couple of suggestions.

First, in such a protective society as this, there would probably be some changes to the rating system.

Second, I'd like, somewhere in the story, for there to be a full list of the fifteen rules. Just because.

That was just the beginning, right?

I liked it. Couple of suggestions.

First, in such a protective society as this, there would probably be some changes to the rating system.

Second, I'd like, somewhere in the story, for there to be a full list of the fifteen rules. Just because.

That was just the beginning, right?

Changing the ratings- by the time the story starts, it's been done, and the PG-13 rating of today would likely be the R rating of 2022, so the Harry Potter movie is, of course, banned.

The full list of the fifteen rules is in the actual first chapter, when we meet Layla.

12 rules broken = 145 days right

12^2 + 1 = 145

so it may be that no of rules broken squred add one (with a limit of say 25 days).

1 rule = 25
2 = 25
3 = 25
4 = 25
5 = 26
6 = 37
7 = 50
8 = 65
9 = 82
10 = 101
11 = 122
12 = 145
13 = 170
14 = 197
15 = 226

or am i reading too much into this?

read it, it was good, didnt get bored

random idea, she goes abroad (if thats allowed) to a less controlled society and is surprised to see no policemen or anything, talks to these children in this alien society and thus gets the idea of a secret rebellion (not petty rule breaking, however 12/15 broken rules that sounds bad...)

Actually I was considering having Damon Lacey move in from the UK (and then get caught breaking curfew and then sitting beside Kendra), or possible Canada, but I decided to keep him American. I may tke your suggestion and make him go to another country instead, which would make quite a lot of sense, but I did make Kendra's parents go abroad for their careers, so meh.

its a very good start, id buy your book

or am i reading too much into this?

You're reading a bit much into it, yes. There's really no formula for BC days, it's just break the right rules and that's how long your stay is. That's how Jordan got 54 days, but only broke two rules (it's not said in the prologue, however). One rule can only get you 1 day (if oyu break curfew) but Kendra could have broken twelve rules and not gotten that much time, provided that she broke 2, 9, or 10 instead of one of the others.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.
YAWN!
Not dramatic enough.

YAWN!
Not dramatic enough.

So The Child Advocate Party being so overprotective of kids that they deprive them of rights isn't dramatic enough?

Ah well, suppose I can't please everyone.

Interesting.

You should post in in a blog....

Depends what you're going to do with it, but it sounds like an excellent children's dystopia. In that spirit, I'd call my protagonist Guy Savage (a fluffle to the first person to get the references).

Gary Savage from Deus Ex?

I think it's a good idea and a nice start... but I'm not sure what to think of the revolution that will happen later - people in power tend not to give up any of their powers.

As for the list, I would change the order of the rules and maybe combine some:

1) Minors MUST wear ID necklaces AT ALL TIMES. BC 2, RC 3.
2) Curfew is 10 pm. BC 1 (2nd offense).
3) Minors are not allowed to criticize teachers, classes, or schools in any way. BC 5, RC 7.
4) Schools are privatized and therefore it is up to them how to discipline students for school rule violations, and decide uniforms. Any protest of this will result in BC7, and RC 7.
(maybe 3+4 combined: 3a) Minors are not allowed to criticize teachers, classes, uniforms, or disciplinary actions of schools in any way. BC 5, RC 7. )
5) Art, movies, and books condoning violence or other dangerous ideas are banned. BC 14, RC 14, GC 14.
6) Creating art of any type that is troubling/depressing is considered a sign of depression. BC 21, GC 28 (second offense), RC 28 (3rd offense).
7) Dating among minors is strictly prohibited. BC 28, RC 35, GC 21.
8) Minors may not discuss religion or display religious affiliations in any way in a public setting. BC 14, RC 21.
9) Minors are not allowed to discuss politics or display politicial affiliations. BC 14, RC 14.
(maybe 8+9 combined, then again, maybe not, since religious and political affiliations are treated differently)
10) Minors may not discuss bodily concerns in a setting of three or more people. BC 21, RC 28.
11) Minors are not allowed to watch television shows above the rating of G. BC 5, RC 5, revoke.
12) Minors can only view government-approved websites. BC 5, RC 5, revoke.
(maybe 11+12 combined, since both are about government-approved content)
13) Junk food may not be possessed by minors (trying to cut down on childhood obesity, see. ). BC 1, RC 5.
14) Tank tops are banned from minors in public. All shirts must have sleeves, and any bottoms that do not reach the knees are prohibited, as are dark colors (unless part of a school uniform). BC 7, RC 14.
15) Portable DVD players, Gameboys/PSPs, and iPods are banned from minors. BC 7, RC 7.

Sevenglasses']I think it's a good idea and a nice start... but I'm not sure what to think of the revolution that will happen later - people in power tend not to give up any of their powers.

As for the list, I would change the order of the rules and maybe combine some:

-*snip*.

Nah. I'm fine with how it is. There are more rules concerning fighting and self-injury, but you're sent to GC for that without BC or RC. If oyu just go for GC it won't make the Top 15.

However, I don't feel like combining it. If the rules sound stupid, good. They're supposed to sound that way.

this looks like a great story, couple ideas- make-up either with clothing restrictions like you can wear lip gloss but not eye-liner kind of thing or totallt banned like walkmans. and a non-major charcater- like a kid at school who is mean to Kendra for getting in trouble, who dobs on people when they break rules and who all the teachers love- teachers pet/suck-up.

this looks like a great story, couple ideas- make-up either with clothing restrictions like you can wear lip gloss but not eye-liner kind of thing or totallt banned like walkmans. and a non-major charcater- like a kid at school who is mean to Kendra for getting in trouble, who dobs on people when they break rules and who all the teachers love- teachers pet/suck-up.


like that idea^

are you looking for guye names or girls?how about Amber,Lee and Justin?Ford is always good as a last name...you names that will stick in the readers heads...

like that idea^

are you looking for guye names or girls?how about Amber,Lee and Justin?Ford is always good as a last name...you names that will stick in the readers heads...

I like the idea of the make-up thing too, I'll try to add that in somewhere. There will be a kid who teases others who break the rules, but I've already got names now. :D

I like the idea of the make-up thing too, I'll try to add that in somewhere. There will be a kid who teases others who break the rules, but I've already got names now. :D

I'm really getting into this story, another idea- it can be an unwritten law, they're not allowed to use profanity.

I read it, found it pretty good, particularly the dialogue.
Kendra looked down at her knees. She was off to Camp Hellene.
“We take all of these answers as confessions-“
“Jayden is not my boyfriend!”That's excellent. You're not spelling it out to the reader, and Kendra's response isn't strictly logical. Verbal exchanges are often like that -- sentences uncompleted, repetition and empty phrases while non-verbal exchange is happening. The conversation in the cell could use more of that.

“A hundred and forty five days?” Aunt Sara exclaimed. “A hundred and forty-five? " Yep, like that.

She kept running when she heard a woman yelling ...The cop is yelling straight at her, right? In an alleyway. It would be frighteningly loud I'd think.

“Your aunt’s here,” said the officer.The cop could be nastier. She's already seen the evidence ... this walk from the cells to the interview room ought to be scarey, even for tough little Kendra.

I guess what I'm saying is to give us readers a few more clues about what your character is thinking, what motivates her. I'm getting that rebellious 13-year-old attitude alright, and there's some hints that despite the cheeky "I'm gonna do whatever I wanna, and if it breaks the rules, all the better" exterior, she's a bit scared of the consequences. But I still have no idea why she's knowingly breaking so many rules.

Pull the aunt, at least for the first chapter. She's just emoting on Kendra's behalf, and she nearly steals the stage.
These fascists will have rescinded any law about a parent or guardian needing to be present for an interview. How about notifying Kendra's family of her arrest with a recorded phone message ? -- can't get colder than that. And Ms Rhodes is cold. I hate her already!

Use paragraphs. Otherwise, a very creditable effort.

I read it, found it pretty good, particularly the dialogue.
That's excellent. You're not spelling it out to the reader, and Kendra's response isn't strictly logical. Verbal exchanges are often like that -- sentences uncompleted, repetition and empty phrases while non-verbal exchange is happening. The conversation in the cell could use more of that.

Yep, like that.

The cop is yelling straight at her, right? In an alleyway. It would be frighteningly loud I'd think.

The cop could be nastier. She's already seen the evidence ... this walk from the cells to the interview room ought to be scarey, even for tough little Kendra.

I guess what I'm saying is to give us readers a few more clues about what your character is thinking, what motivates her. I'm getting that rebellious 13-year-old attitude alright, and there's some hints that despite the cheeky "I'm gonna do whatever I wanna, and if it breaks the rules, all the better" exterior, she's a bit scared of the consequences. But I still have no idea why she's knowingly breaking so many rules.

Pull the aunt, at least for the first chapter. She's just emoting on Kendra's behalf, and she nearly steals the stage.
These fascists will have rescinded any law about a parent or guardian needing to be present for an interview. How about notifying Kendra's family of her arrest with a recorded phone message ? -- can't get colder than that. And Ms Rhodes is cold. I hate her already!

Use paragraphs. Otherwise, a very creditable effort.

Ah, okay. In the cell I would have added Janie (the girl in black) in a little bit, but I wasn't sure on how to do that. I did use paragraphs too, I wrote it in Word but when I pasted it here the indents vanished. Kendra was knowingly breaking the rules, because she is a very bold activist, but yes, she is scared of the consequences because she's never been caught before at it. She has never taken the bag to school, and she knows that outside the sidewalks and everything will be crowded, so it will be easier for her to hide, and she is supposed to look quite a bit older than 15, in my mind she looks more like she's 18 when she's not in her school uniform (because that gives away the fact that she is younger than 18). She often does hang out with Jayden because Jayden breaks almost all of the rules every day, but since he is homeschooled he isn't caught. I don't think we'll see much of Ms. Rhodes after this, though I may add her in a bit afterward, to deal with Adam or Damon or possibly Layla, and she and Kendra will definitely meet again. I don't like Ms. Rhodes either, but it's fun to mess with her. She's kind of like Umbridge in the HP series, now that I think about it, only she isn't prejudiced against "half-breeds" and isn't trying to take out only one person, and her physical appearance is differnet.

The reason why Kendra wasn't breaking the censorship rules and school-related rules was because a) it's summer and there' not much point in criticizing classes when you don't have them and b)to access certain websites (which do contain clips of banned TV shows, quite often) you need to enter in a special code.

I entered Kendra's aunt into the prologue because I thought it would be a good idea to meet some of Kendra's family, and since Kendra currently live with her aunt it seemed logical that Sara be there, since though the fascists might have abolished laws, Sara would hav been notified (yes, via phone call or recording) and wanted to know what was going on.

I'm really getting into this story, another idea- it can be an unwritten law, they're not allowed to use profanity.

There are three "unwritten" rules already, but you don't hear about them until the first chapter, but since I'm not posting the first chapter here I'll give them to you:

16. No fighting
17. no self-injury
18. respect adults and peers (which is where the profanity rule would come in). :)

the only reason they're normally not included with the first 15 is because they've been around since the beginning of time, basically, and everyone already knows those rules.

To those of you who said I should post in a blog, I just might do that. However, it will not quite be this story, it will be a "prelude" to it, I guess you would say. It is set in this time period, but it may be changed a bit (I may need to look at the timetable I made). It's about how the Child Advocate Party came to power, and why the Manual was made, and stuff like that. That's going in the blog, but not TotC. I'll post the link to the blog later, but don't expect a story to be written there quite yet.

I think you said you needed a title- what about:

Hidden From Danger

The Protection of the Fatherland

The Sheltered World

Invisible Nation

Life in a Box

World of Shadows

Blinded

The Children's Shelter

Life in the Dark

etc.

I did use paragraphs too, I wrote it in Word but when I pasted it here the indents vanished.
Ah. :) Not Word's fault, it uses a real tab character which isn't honoured in these text boxes. I hate that.

Kendra was knowingly breaking the rules, because she is a very bold activist, but yes, she is scared of the consequences because she's never been caught before at it. She has never taken the bag to school, and she knows that outside the sidewalks and everything will be crowded, so it will be easier for her to hide, and she is supposed to look quite a bit older than 15You've really thought this out, haven't you? I missed that Kendra was 15, but that's my fault.

I wouldn't judge a book by it's first chapter, anyway. But people could be excused for thinking the aunt is really the central character here, and the one who's going to overthrow the oppressive system. Perhaps she's just all puff and no tough ... it might work, at that. Read the second chapter to find out?

The quality of my posts varies widely ... just telling you that in case I get on here drunk and say something crazy. ;)

I think you're going overboard with Kendra's rule breaking. I think it should be 1 thing and uber capitalise on that. 3 max.

The danger of family values uncritized.
Well the danger of anything uncritized.

Like what values are really ever critized?
If it was critized it wouldn't be values.

Therefore all values are bad, jupp!.

Great idea just like reality, like sweden.

Remember me about the hysteria against pedophilia
that drives people unto forbidding adults from being childlish becouse that would be pedophilia.
Like the anti anime hysteria.
I like young teenagers and childlish personalites everybody likes,
we are all children even after age 15 and even after the 20ties.

Absurd I feelt pre-sexual feelings for female nude bodies when I was seven years which by the way is included as a syntom of being psychopath which I ant ( well I don't believie in pychopathy anyway).
Freud was insane but only for considering it, he was right in much.

I see another paralled exvept for the sexual parallel,
the child inside,
what is a child?
The adults in that society you mentioned would be children inprisoned in adult bodies becouse they never allowed to children for real
and therefore they are not truly adults at all.
If you are overprotected you don't grow up becouse
you don't learn
and being a child means to learn how to life.
What do you learn from being overprotected?
how to be stupid basically.

Imagine to be constantly rewarded for being safe and being child:
Then one day suddenly your told you an adult and your not ready.
Thats chock boardering to rape.

MetaSatan, are you sure you didn't mean to post this to the "Pedophiles are people too" thread? It looks kind of out of place here, is all. :)

I think you're going overboard with Kendra's rule breaking. I think it should be 1 thing and uber capitalise on that. 3 max.

I guess it is a bit overboard, but I love all the rule-breaking. It's supposed to show how negligent adults can sometimes be, and besides in Auradale there are a bajillion cops out on the street but since Auradale is a small town, it's easier to catch rule-breakers (unless they are in the privacy of their homes or cars). Kendra does look a lot older that 15, so she hasn't been caught, because the cops think she's 18 since she's not wearing her school uniform (since she no longer goes to middle school).

Ah. :) Not Word's fault, it uses a real tab character which isn't honoured in these text boxes. I hate that.

You've really thought this out, haven't you? I missed that Kendra was 15, but that's my fault.

I wouldn't judge a book by it's first chapter, anyway. But people could be excused for thinking the aunt is really the central character here, and the one who's going to overthrow the oppressive system. Perhaps she's just all puff and no tough ... it might work, at that. Read the second chapter to find out?

The quality of my posts varies widely ... just telling you that in case I get on here drunk and say something crazy. ;)

Well... Sara is kind of a helper in the anti-CA Party movement, so she is necessary. I might cut her rant though, in the prologue (it isn't really the first chapter). In the first chapter though, Layla is about to start school, and meets Damon. Adam comes in the real second chapter, when we see KEndra again (she's mentioned a few times in the first chapter, because she makes the news- she's broken an Aurdale record!).

I still don't have the blog up yet, but I will get it up ASAP, possibly later today if possible. I couldn't do it last night because my parents don't like me playing on the computer when there's lightning on all sides of us. :(

...

I still don't have the blog up yet, but I will get it up ASAP, possibly later today if possible. I couldn't do it last night because my parents don't like me playing on the computer when there's lightning on all sides of us. :(

Excellent, look forward to the blog.

I've never lost anything to lightning (modem etc) but the first time could be your last, so why mess with it?

I think you said you needed a title- what about:

The Sheltered World



I like this one the most. the idea that kids are intentionally overly sheltered.

Imagine a society that overprotectively sheltered anyone under the age of 18. The national curfew was 10 PM for minors, and anyone caught breaking curfew you were sent to "behavior camp," which was really juvenile detention. Half the Internet has been shut down, and kids are only allowed to visit government-run websites. Shows on kids' channels have been canceled because of "innappropriate content" (think Nickelodeon). Every school in the country is now private- except for some public schols for those who can't afford it. Classes are biased to protect kids.

Okay, it's a story idea of mine, and i want to know if it's any good and some good character names. Thanks.
Sounds like a dream to me.:cool:

Excellent, look forward to the blog.

I've never lost anything to lightning (modem etc) but the first time could be your last, so why mess with it?
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you from the Shire?
:cool: