NationStates Jolt Archive

I have said many times that by taking Bible verses out of context you can make it say whatever you want. It annoys me that people take a single verse out of context to try to make their case.......but I thought we might have some fun doing it anyway!

My favorite?

Ecclesiastes 10:19 A feast is made for laughter,
and wine makes life merry,
but money is the answer for everything.


what your's?

Do we really need to ask for mine?

the seed spillin' one.

I have a happy Latin phrase: bibamas papaliter.
Let us drink like a pope. :D

This thread requires a greater level of Biblical knowledge than I possess, so I'll go with one someone told me:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, baldy!" they said. "Go on up, you baldy!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
:D :D :D

Romans 15:6 (New American Standard Bible)
so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Proof that Automobiles were around back then and that Honda was the chosen maker for God's people. :D

Romans 15:6 (New American Standard Bible)


Proof that Automobiles were around back then and that Honda was the chosen maker for God's people. :D
Not Ford!!! What has he done?

you are all insane.

The book that talks about how men are supposed to be the ones to make the coffee.

You know ... HEBREWS.

you are all insane.
Thank you! We enjoy it.

you are all insane.
We try our best.

you are all insane.
Completely and totally.

I don't know if this counts as being taken out of context, because the context itself really isn't clear to begin with. but I like Mark 14:51-2.
51A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, 52he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.

Genesis 1:1 In

The book that talks about how men are supposed to be the ones to make the coffee.

You know ... HEBREWS.

The eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not make bad puns!

This thread requires a greater level of Biblical knowledge than I possess, so I'll go with one someone told me:


hehe i believe it goes as so:

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them

That's what you get for fudging with a prophet.

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched." (Mark 9:43)

Guess that's wanking out the window.

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched." (Mark 9:43)

Guess that's wanking out the window.... literally... :D

Thank you! We enjoy it.
tis the best way to be!

This is why I'm not Christian. Using biblical references in an argument...meh.

"All the fat is the LORD's" Leviticus 3:16


So quit eating it you heathens!


1 Corinthians 11:3: "...Christ is the head of every man, and a husband the head of his wife, and the head of Christ is God. (NIV)".

Thanks for not putting me last because of my gender God. Woohoo - I'mjust under Jesus in the pecking order.

1 kings 14:10 "Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall"

ouch!

... literally... :D
defenestration!!!

you are all insane.

Damn straight. ;)

Proverbs 6:18 (I think)

'If some fool starts and argument he is asking for a beating.'


Classic, just classic :D

The book that talks about how men are supposed to be the ones to make the coffee.

You know ... HEBREWS.
Really? I thought that was about how men were supposed to make beer, but I might be wrong...

Proverbs 6:18 (I think)

'If some fool starts and argument he is asking for a beating.'


Classic, just classic :D
Doesn't Mr T have that angraved on the back of his gold Mr T medallion?

"when he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour" Revelations 8:1

So there won't be any women in Heaven? :p

"when he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour" Revelations 8:1

So there won't be any women in Heaven? :p



hehe :p

"when he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour" Revelations 8:1

So there won't be any women in Heaven? :p
Quite the opposite. :p

not exactly out of any context, just a proverb I always liked

Proverbs 26:3 A whip is for a horse. A harness is for a donkey.
And a beating is for the backs of foolish people.


See? I can beat the crap out of stupid people......the Bible says so!

you are all insane.
welcome to NS General:D

Romans 15:6 (New American Standard Bible)


Proof that Automobiles were around back then and that Honda was the chosen maker for God's people. :D

I believe there is a scripture talking about God coming in his tempest... Genesis perhaps?

I believe there is a scripture talking about God coming in his tempest... Genesis perhaps?


was he getting a hummer?

Doesn't Mr T have that angraved on the back of his gold Mr T medallion?

Well he's a very devout man of course...

here is my abosolut favorit!!!

proverbs 1:26[
I in turn will laugh at your disaster; i will mock when calamity over takes you

was he getting a hummer?
That explains the increase in gas prices...

That explains the increase in gas prices...

thats not the hose I was referring to being drained

"And so it came to pass, that on the 8th day, the LORD spake unto his people. And HE did ask them, "Who's in the house?". And verily, they did respond "JESUS in the house!"

Exodus 17:14

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek..."

"And so it came to pass, that on the 8th day, the LORD spake unto his people. And HE did ask them, "Who's in the house?". And verily, they did respond "JESUS in the house!"
Woo, Jesus!! Break out the wine!!!

Woo, Jesus!! Break out the wine!!!
Jesus' only miracle? Turning water into.. funk!

But seriously is what he said in the Bible? I want that book and verse.

I will sweep away everything in all your land," says the LORD. "I will sweep away both people and animals alike. Even the birds of the air and the fish in the sea will die. I will reduce the wicked to heaps of rubble, along with the rest of humanity," says the LORD. "I will crush Judah and Jerusalem with my fist and destroy every last trace of their Baal worship. I will put an end to all the idolatrous priests, so that even the memory of them will disappear. For they go up to their roofs and bow to the sun, moon, and stars. They claim to follow the LORD, but then they worship Molech, too. So now I will destroy them! And I will destroy those who used to worship me but now no longer do. They no longer ask for the LORD's guidance or seek my blessings.Ever the nice guy...

I have said many times that by taking Bible verses out of context you can make it say whatever you want. It annoys me that people take a single verse out of context to try to make their case.......but I thought we might have some fun doing it anyway!

My favorite?

what your's?

The Lord will smite thee--with the emerods. Deut.28.

1 Samuel 6:4


KJV: Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.


emerods = hemmorrhoids

Geez, no one appreciated the Monty Python reference. *pout*

Matthew 7:13-14

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

That one.

Song of Solomon 8:8
" We have a little sister, And she has no breasts; What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for? "

Is. 52:10 as translated by a couple of my friends:

"The Lord is ripped; He's got big guns and he shows them off for the nations and they get scared that they are gonna get pwned."

"Jesus wept."

The eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not make bad puns!


No, no, no! The Eleventh Commandment is: Thou shalt Not Get Caught.

I have said many times that by taking Bible verses out of context you can make it say whatever you want. It annoys me that people take a single verse out of context to try to make their case.......but I thought we might have some fun doing it anyway!

My favorite?




what your's?
Ooh! Me?

There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight O'clock.


Kinda grabs you by the boo-boo, don't it?

Geez, no one appreciated the Monty Python reference. *pout*
*consoles*

I can't believe this one hasn't come up yet:

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

I can't believe this one hasn't come up yet:
Sorry, too busy cleaning out the back seat of the car ... ;)

Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment, for it is an old one you have always had, right from the beginning. This commandment – to love one another – is the same message you heard before. Yet it is also new. (1 John 2:7-8 NLT)

What?

Yay look upon me and know me, my children you should know somthing......I'm Packing

Isaiah 66:11 That ye may suck, and be satisfied with the breasts of her consolations; that ye may milk out, and be delighted with the abundance of her glory.

Isaiah 66:11 That ye may suck, and be satisfied with the breasts of her consolations; that ye may milk out, and be delighted with the abundance of her glory.

Very nice choice.

So, it's not exactly the Bible, but close enough. "Now ye may suppose that this in foolishness in me; but behold, I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."

Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment, for it is an old one you have always had, right from the beginning. This commandment – to love one another – is the same message you heard before. Yet it is also new. (1 John 2:7-8 NLT)

What?
New Literal Translation? ;)

I'm surprised no one mentioned it (or if they did, I missed it reading through the thread carelessly). How about all of the verses Christians use as proof-texts for Jesus? Those have to be some favorite out of context Bible verses, or least favorite maybe. Genesis 3:15 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id6.html), Isaiah 7:14 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id7.html), Psalm 22 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id18.html), Isaiah 53 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id3.html), etc.

I'm surprised no one mentioned it (or if they did, I missed it reading through the thread carelessly). How about all of the verses Christians use as proof-texts for Jesus? Those have to be some favorite out of context Bible verses, or least favorite maybe. Genesis 3:15 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id6.html), Isaiah 7:14 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id7.html), Psalm 22 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id18.html), Isaiah 53 (http://shemaantimissionary.tripod.com/id3.html), etc.
Hey - Smunk got a good angle on a LONG LONG thread.
This is only p.5 ... there's plenty of time.
This little ditty is a sweet one to explain ... :
1:6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them.

1:7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

Hmmm ... whatever could that all mean?

This thread needs to be on a Christian fundamentalist forum ... the quotes aren't as fun when everyone likes them.

Deuteronomy 22:28-29

If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.

"when he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour" Revelations 8:1

So there won't be any women in Heaven? :p

They were busy watching an advance copy of Sex and the City.

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
:D :D :D

That was mine... waah :( :D :D :D :D :D

Another peculiar but worthy passage:


82:1 God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods.
82:2 How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? Selah.
82:4 Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.
82:5 They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course.
82:6 I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.

This is too good a thread potential to let pass.

Oh! Oh! Oh! I had so forgotten about this one...

You remind me of Pharaoh's
well-groomed and satiny mares.
~Song of Solomon 1:9

How romantic. :D

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
:D :D :D
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...

And some other:

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of a man, in their sight. And the lord said: Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them."
(Ezekiel 4:12-13)

"[if two men are fighting] and the other's wife, willing to deliver her husband out of the hand of the stronger, shall put forth her hand, and take him by the secrets, thou shalt cut off her hand, neither shalt thou be moved with any pity in her regard."
(Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

Revalations i think....
Happy are those who wash their robes.

This is too good a thread potential to let pass.
....further qualified by these happy little snippets:


Genesis 11:7
Let us go down, and there confound their language.

Exodus 12:12
And against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment.

Exodus 15:11
Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods?

Exodus 20:3, 5
Thou shalt have no other gods before me. ... Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them.

Exodus 22:20
He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed.

Exodus 22:28
Thou shalt not revile the gods.

Exodus 23:13
Make no mention of the name of other gods, neither let it be heard out of thy mouth.

Exodus 23:24
Thou shalt not bow down to their gods, nor serve them, nor do after their works: but thou shalt utterly overthrow them, and quite break down their images.

Exodus 23:32
Thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor with their gods.

Exodus 34:14
For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

Deuteronomy 6:14-15
Ye shall not go after other gods, of the gods of the people which are round about you; (For the LORD thy God is a jealous God among you)

Numbers 33:4
Upon their gods also the LORD executed judgments.

Joshua 24:14
Fear the Lord ... and put away the gods which your fathers served.

Judges 11:24
Wilt not thou possess that which Chemosh thy god giveth thee to possess?

1 Samuel 6:5
Ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods.

1 Samuel 28:13
And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

1 Chronicles 16:25
The Lord ... is to be feared above all gods.

Psalm 82:1
God standeth in the congregation of the mighty, he judgeth among the gods.

Psalm 82:6
I have said, Ye are gods.

Psalm 86:8
Among the gods there is none like unto thee, O Lord.

Psalm 96:4
For the Lord ... is to be feared above all gods.

Psalm 97:7
Worship him, all ye gods.

Psalm 136:2
O give thanks unto the God of gods.

Jeremiah 1:16
I will utter my judgments against them ... who have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods.

Jeremiah 10:11
The gods that have not made the heavens and the earth, even they shall perish from the earth, and from under these heavens.

Jeremiah 25:6
And go not after other gods to serve them, and to worship them, and provoke me not to anger with the works of your hands; and I will do you no hurt.

Zephaniah 2:11
The Lord will be terrible to them: for he will famish all the gods of the earth.

...bold where necessary.

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
:D :D :D

Lady you rule! That Monty sketch really should be in the bible! :D

Isaiah 66:11 That ye may suck, and be satisfied with the breasts of her consolations; that ye may milk out, and be delighted with the abundance of her glory.

Sound kinky...... I'm in! ;)

Humph. The one I posted is still the best.

Let them be as a snail which melts away as it goes along

:p

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
:D :D :D

Well, if you are going to make biblical quotes, it's always best to do them in the proper form:

Armaments 2:16-21

16And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. 17Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 18Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. 19Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. 20Five is right out. 21Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

I can't remember the specific verse, but the one where God tells his servant to wear a loincloth for about a week, then go bury it, and come back a couple days later and dig it up.