NationStates Jolt Archive

Greg Giraldo: [When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.

Jim Norton: [discussing what Jesus would drive] Well, I don't know what type of car he'd drive, but I do know that he'd drive an automatic because I'd imagine it's really hard to change gears when you've got holes in your hands.

'I swear to Drunk I'm not God'

"They found blood in his vodka streams"

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blgeorgewbushquiz3.htm

An infinite supply of funny quotes

I heard that the reason so many people were upset at Mel Gibson and his version of The Passion of the Christ was that he had put this cliche Hollywood ending on the movie, where the hero comes back to life.

Alan Coult: "The flush toilet is the basis of Western Civilization."

Bonnie Raitt: "I don't want to see anyone at this party whose face I haven't sat on."

VH1: "The following material may not be suitable for small children, some adults, a few senior citizens, many farm animals and most household appliances."

Homer J. Simpson: "D'Oh! There's so much I don't know about astrophysics!!"

Unknown: "All chaps are assless. Otherwise, they'd just be pants!"

Johhny Rotten: "Love is 2 minutes and 52 seconds of squishing noises."

Johnny Carson (on Chevy Chase): "He couldn't ad lib a fart after a baked bean dinner."

Sheryl Crow: "If you want to turn on your boyfriend, get naked and strap on an accordion."

Aesop (~ 600 BC): "We hang the petty theives, but appoint the great ones to public office." Me: And so it remains 2600 years later...

"I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' ...Fuck that. Get well now."

"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"

"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees...' 'Trust me.'"

--Demetri Martin, great comedian

* You think when the Pope was a little kid, he fantasized about eventually becoming Pope, you know, like we might about being a professional athlete? Was he like eight years old in his backyard going, "There he is the leader of all the Catholics! The best Pope ever! The Protestants are frightened of this new Pope."

* I was raised Catholic, my dad used to always volunteer me for the reading at church, and I'd be like six years old. "You'll be doing the reading." "Christ!" I'd never have my glasses, so I wouldn't be able to read. "Uh, a letter from Peter to the apostage ... post ... somebody kill me! I'd rather go to hell than read up here!"

* It's church, you're reading from the Bible, it's not like you can make something up. Not like you can get the first line then ad lib. "A letter from Peter to the Apostles ... uh ... Dear Apostles ... How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Tell Jesus, "Hey." This is the word of the Lord."

--Jim Gaffigan, on My Favorite Religion(tm), Catholicism

"my wife has a slight speech impediement... every once in a while she stops to breathe" l0lz i liked that one... And then my Fav quote ever came from my marine recruiter.. it is on my siggy ^^

(Atfer washing his face with a bar of soap, ZIM finds out a piece of bacon was inside.)ZIM- WHY WAS THERE BACON IN THE SOAP???????

GIR- I MADE IT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!

:p :p (Atfer washing his face with a bar of soap, ZIM finds out a piece of bacon was inside.)ZIM- WHY WAS THERE BACON IN THE SOAP???????

GIR- I MADE IT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!

OMG i love gir he is my favorite.... Gir you left the window open too (ZIM)
OHHHH YEAH (Gir)

(gir) WHY I LOVEDED YOU PIGGY I LOVEDED YOU

(Atfer washing his face with a bar of soap, ZIM finds out a piece of bacon was inside.)ZIM- WHY WAS THERE BACON IN THE SOAP???????

GIR- I MADE IT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!
gir -- IT WAS ME!!! I WAS THE TURKEY ALL ALONG!!!

zim -- so you were

and of course

duty
duty
duty
duty
duty
dooooooooo!

gir -- IT WAS ME!!! I WAS THE TURKEY ALL ALONG!!!

zim -- so you were

and of course

duty
duty
duty
duty
duty
dooooooooo!

Can i be a mongoose ?

no gir you are going to be a dog

well can i be a mogoose dog

GIR!!!!!


Zim- gir what have you observed

Gir- i saw a squirrel he looked at me like this ....<(^__^)>

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.-George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.- George Carlin

Um, WTF?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.-George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.- George Carlin

Oh
here is another honesty one

honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defence

Zim: Gir Get in here!

Gir: Yes?

Zim: What did you do to the telescope?

Gir: Nothing

Zim: You mean you didn't do it? Something is broken and it isn't your fault?

Gir: I know I'm scared too.

Heres one from einstein:
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Um, WTF?
if you don't know.......we aren't going to tell you.:p

"Ignite flame away from face"

lighters can be funny too!

gir -- IT WAS ME!!! I WAS THE TURKEY ALL ALONG!!!

zim -- so you were

and of course

duty
duty
duty
duty
duty
dooooooooo!

zim- gir, whats going on?

gir- I MADE MASHED POTATOES!

gir- If the bidg splodey goes fast, won't it get all bad? (starts crying, Zim gives him a lollypop and he stops crying)

poop dawg- Word up, kids! This is Poop Dawg! The Poop Cola gangsta clown with a little fund raiser! Do you wanna go magnet with da moneys? Then jack this box of Poop Cola Candy! It's the great taste of Poop Cola wrapped in a layer of chocolate madness! Every bar you sell earns money for your skool, but what's in it for you? Prizes, prizes, pra-zises! Sell 100 bars and you win a-Dubbed over voice: Adhesive medical strips- Sell 10,000 you when an electro scooter! At 500,000, ya get a hover craft plus the helmet, plus a box of-Dubbed over voice: Adhesive medical strips. And if you all think you's all something wit da top sellies, and, wit... I can't do this....

Director: Cut!

The film stops and starts again at a fresh take.

Poop Dawg: The top prize is something your bu- bu- bu- brain won't believe!

TACOOOS I need tacos or i will explode

that happens to me sometimes....
-----------------------------------

what does this button do
------------------------------------

Zim- i have resaearched the wormsoles in order to find one that is good enough for you
there was a dimension of pure itchyness
you can't tell but that stuff is really itchy

then there is a dimension of pure dookey

but this particular dimension takey you some where more horrible

A room with a moose

Dib- nooooooooooooo !!!!! wait what is so scary about that

zim- release the walnuts

dib NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Zim- and now dib i leave you....

Gir - say moosey fate

Zim- i leave you to your moosey fate

Mwahahaha

Duct tape is like The Force - it has a light side, a dark side, and binds the universe together.

Duct tape is like The Force - it has a light side, a dark side, and binds the universe together.

i think it is holds the universe together... but that is a good one too ^^

INVADER ZIM :D :p :p :p

INVADER ZIM :D :p :p :p

SEE EVERYONE LOVES INVADER ZIM!!!!

Um, WTF?


quotes from the two chief characters of Invader Zim, a severely brain-dead show on Nickolodean

just to appease those people above me, it is brain dead, but fairly funny

Check my sig

i think it is holds the universe together... but that is a good one too ^^

Whatever. I now quote Mark Twain:

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Check my sig

i can't see neones siggy how can i change that?

Hitchhikers Guid to the Galaxy;-

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

"Please relax," said the voice pleasantly, like a stewardess in an airliner with only one wing and two engines, one of which is on fire, "you are perfectly safe."


My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

If there is anything more important than my ego, i want it cought and shot now!

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

------------------------------------------------------------
Other Things:-

"Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad." - Rincewind from the Discworld Series

"Much can be accomplished with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be accomplished with a big stick"


"It's a Mystery, wrapped in an Enigma. Baked with a fluffly crust of WTF?" - A webcomic, can't remember which one at the moment

quotes from the two chief characters of Invader Zim, a severely brain-dead show on Nickolodean

just to appease those people above me, it is brain dead, but fairly funny

It wasn't brain dead. It was unique and funny, contrary to popular belief.

It wasn't brain dead. It was unique and funny, contrary to popular belief.

hooah
i love invader zim..
ALL OF IT
i wish they hadent stopped making it ^^

It wasn't brain dead. It was unique and funny, contrary to popular belief.

And that about sums that up!


...here's your sign.

"If Force equals Mass times acceleration, then being a Jedi is like being a Catholic, only faster."

Hitchhiker's guide is great.
----------------------------------

"The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put back by years." -Hitchhiker's Guide

A conversation between God and Man:

"'I cannot prove my existence,'" says God. 'For proof denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing.'
'But, all of your glorious miracles throughout time that cannot be explained in any logical way must be the result of your being, so according to your own logic, you don't exist.'
'Oh.' says God. 'I never thought of that.' And he promptly vanishes in a poof of logic. -Hitchhiker's Guide

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -Hitchhiker's Guide

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." -Hitchhiker's Guide
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain." -Robert Frost

The classic:
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." -Will Rogers

"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy." -Ashleigh Brilliant

"Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You can't do that. It's gone, gone forever." -Dan Quayle

hooah
i love invader zim..
ALL OF IT
i wish they hadent stopped making it ^^
The only cancel and never reair good shows. Bad shows they air for 12 seasons then cancel because of declining ratings then show reruns of the first two seasons for the next decade.

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain." -Robert Frost
Replace "bank" with "insurance company" and it is up to date.

"If Force equals Mass times acceleration, then being a Jedi is like being a Catholic, only faster."
ROFLMAO:D

"It's best you be a gentleman a watch what you say or Jesus Christ can't save you once you go gangsta friend."

~~ Wise words by my friend Dan

"Sir, (a+b^n)/n=x, hence God exists. Reply." ~Euler

"There are three side effects of acid: enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory, and I forget the third. "

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. "

"I've left specific instructions that I do not want to be brought back during a Republican administration. "

--------------------Timothy Leary
"'Bill Clinton does not inhale marijuana, right? You bet. Like I chew on LSD but I don't swallow it. "

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me"

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours".

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side"

-----------Hunter S. Thompson

"If I really got my ribs removed, I would have been busy sucking my own dick on the wonder years instead of chasing Winnie Cooper. Besides I wouldn't have sucked other people's dicks on stage, either. I would have been sucking my own. Plus, who really has time to be killing puppies when you can be sucking your own dick? I think I'm gonna call the surgeon in the morning. "

-Marilyn Manson

"I wish him [Bill Gates] the best, I really do. I just think he and Microsoft are a bit narrow. He'd be a broader guy if he had dropped acid once or gone off to an ashram when he was younger. "
-Steve Jobs, the 20th richest man in the world.... and creater of apple computer


-Some of them may not be funny to you, but then again, MOST people are dumbasses.......