NationStates Jolt Archive

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE



- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

The French won the French Revolutionary War (NOT the same thing as the French Revolution. They fended off the Prussians, Austrians, British, Spanish and Dutch, and maybe more).

Fact: France has been more successful militarily than Germany.

*grabs bowl of popcorn, gets comfy*

Hahaha that was so incredibly funny. *France* :sniper:

"How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?"
" Unknown, its never been done before"
HAHAHAHHAHAHA

You forgot when vikings/saxons/big beard dudes came to France and took an assload of gold from them, only to sack Paris anyway!

American nationalist historical revisionism is even more annoying than Gaullism.

World War 1 - not won by the Americans to be honest, millions of French, British and Dominion troops died so that they would eventually be victorious. The French did not lose.

The Gallic Wars - France wasn't a unified state at this point at all.

Hundred Year's War - Got land off the English, clearly won.

War of Revolution - Victorious

Crimean War - Clearly won

The Normans - Won

The Crusades - Just about the biggest win ever

American Revolution - Saved the US' arse so much along with the Dutch.

Imperial Age - Took over a fair amount of land over the planet, won to the fullest.

World War 2 - French Resistance made a huge effort after their land was taken over, the British did the most to help them, that the US comes first on that list is ridiculous, they made a piss-poor effort to help the French Resistance out. France ends up on the winning side.

War on "Terror" - France can see that the US will never, ever win, because it learns from past military history, and doesn't get involved.

The Crusades - Just about the biggest win ever




You're only talking about the 1st Crusade, right? All the rest were absolute disasters.

Unless you're talking about the Albigensian Crusade, which was another French v French episode.

You're only talking about the 1st Crusade, right? All the rest were absolute disasters.

Unless you're talking about the Albigensian Crusade, which was another French v French episode.
Yeah, I was mainly talking about the first.

Yeah, I was mainly talking about the first.

Just making sure.

Popcorn?

Ah, making fun of the French. This replaces baseball as the American national pasttime.

Look, just because all French men look gay doesn't mean they always lose in a fight. (Zing!)

Just making sure.

Popcorn?
That'd be lovely, thanks.

Anyway, this is revisionist crap.

The French have helped the Americans in so many ways over the years, and when you throw it in their face I can't help but wonder how ignorant some people are of their own history.

ZOMG France folded quicker than a deck of cards in WWII the arrogant bastards. " Look at us, well build the most technologically advanced wall then have never come in handy...ever...":gundge:

ZOMG France folded quicker than a deck of cards in WWII the arrogant bastards. " Look at us, well build the most technologically advanced wall then have never come in handy...ever...":gundge:
Actually, the wall stood up for 2 months after the rest of France was occupied.

Once again, the Belgians (and this time the Dutch, too) were attacked, which isn't really the fault of France, and they couldn't really afford to build another Maginot Line-esque wall on the border with Belgium.

Did we just step into a time warp and ended up in 2002 where USians bought this jingoist crap?

I just noticed something. For all the French-bashing we do, the US, as the US, has never actually fought the French. Except in the UN Building, politically, and that doesn't count. Hmm.

Wow, this must be the 2000th time somebody has posted this list thinking they were being original and funny. Oh well.

I just noticed something. For all the French-bashing we do, the US, as the US, has never actually fought the French. Except in the UN Building, politically, and that doesn't count. Hmm.

So... any bets on what would happen if the US decided to try to invade France? Or if France decided to invade the US?

Considering your revelation that the US has, in fact, never tried to attack the French, maybe there is a reason?

You know, like in stratego: The strongest guy that can beat everyone is always beaten by the weakest guy that can only beat the strongest.

OP: Go and pick a fight with the French Army then, that goes for the rest of you people who indulge in cheap French-bashing - go and gather your weapons and attempt to have a go at them.

When the few of you come hobbling back I will accept your writing apologies for being stupid.

HAHAHAHAH!!!! This came from google after I searched French Military Victories

Did you mean: french military defeats


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents.

HAHAHAHAH!!!! This came from google after I searched French Military Victories

Did you mean: french military defeats


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents.

We're all proud of you.

HAHAHAHAH!!!! This came from google after I searched French Military Victories

Did you mean: french military defeats


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents. :rolleyes:

HAHAHAHAH!!!! This came from google after I searched French Military Victories

Did you mean: french military defeats

2001 called and it wants its oh, so, old google bomb (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Google_bomb) memes back, like searching for "miserable failure" returning George W Bush... *yawn*

HAHAHAHAH!!!! This came from google after I searched French Military Victories

Did you mean: french military defeats


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents.
Ahah - you're about as funny as cholera - and also as pleasant!

I just noticed something. For all the French-bashing we do, the US, as the US, has never actually fought the French. Except in the UN Building, politically, and that doesn't count. Hmm.


I think it is more along the lines that no matter how much we profess to hate each other, American and French people are more alike than we will ever admitt. Not only were the French our first allies, but we both have a swagger (i.e. arrogance) that annoys the piss out of everyone else in the world.

And now that I think about it, we balance each other out nicely. When we were a bunch of acid dropping peace monkey hippies, the French were Gaulist assholes. Now, we are on a policing the world kick, and the French are taking their turn at being peace monkeys.

Did we just step into a time warp and ended up in 2002 where USians bought this jingoist crap?
Sadly, they still do.

"I'll have some French Fries, please"

"Some what now? Oh you mean freedom fries"

"Seeing as their navy and army protected our freedom, that would be just as appropriate"

Hundred Year's War - Got land off the English, clearly won.

At the beginning of the war France had a population of between 14- 20 million, and England had a population of about 2- 4 million. The French were well poised to use their larger population in a time here the amount counted more, and for every death the French had, an English death dealt England seven timed the blow because there where less English men to fight.

The French lost for most of the war until they were saved at the last minute by a schizophrenic Joan of Arc (only joking, don't know for sure). After a while the English lost most of their territory to the much larger French army led by Joan of Arc. Scotland went to war at the worst possible time and France united. Despite England defeating Scotland this didn't come soon enough and she lost almost, but not all, of her colonies in France. England still controlled Calais for about another century. British royalty still claimed the throne of France until 1801 during the act of Union when Ireland stopped being a colony and became part of the United Kingdom. In fact, the French didn't win a major battle until about 84 years into the war. And didn't start winning multiple battles until Joan of Arc came. After England, which had taken over most of France, left they still controlled territory. When the war ended England still controlled Calais for more than a century (which she held until 1558 when France took the decaying city while England was preoccupied with in the Italian wars).
First before we get into the battles here is my reasoning for why the war was not an English loss:
The war was fought for 3 reasons:


1) Who the rightful heir to the throne of France was

2) England wanted land in France.

3) Get more money!

England gained land and claimed the French throne until 1801. Also the French king tried to restore David II to the Scottish throne, which as you should know, was a failure. After Agincourt by 1420, with most of Northern, and other parts of France being under English hegemony, King Charles VI designated Henry V regent and heir to the kingdom of France and said Henry's son was going to be the next king in the Treaty of Troyes. When both of them died in 1422 Henry's son was crowned King Heny VI of England and France. Many French people didn't acknowledge this and pladged their alligence to the Dauphin (eldest son of the King) Charles VII, but it happened all the same. So England captured the throne of France, AND had more land (Calais), just what she set out to do. Further, she sacked France countless times going on great "chevauchées" (raids) across the French country side. Sounds like an English victory to me!

France, However, set out to

1)Prevent England from taking French land

2)End England's claim to the crown of France

3)Return David II to the throne of Scotland

4) Prevent England from taking away French money and all that

As you can see, the French were unsuscessful on all fronts. So can it be claimed as a French Victory? Well, the French drove the English out of most of France(except Calais), at the very end is where France won virtually all of her victories, AND France has never won a war so most people let this slide by as a favour to the French, but guess what! I'm not!


Crimean War - Clearly won

England and the Ottoman Empire were on France's side so that helped balance it and turn it to a victory.

The Normans - Won

Never heard of that war.

American Revolution - Saved the US' arse so much along with the Dutch.

More Americans fought with the British in that war than French fought for the American, so I suppose it can also be considered a British victory, eh?

Imperial Age - Took over a fair amount of land over the planet, won to the fullest.

But that is not the end, they were kicked out of Algeria (first time an Islamic army had defeated a european in forever), Vietnam, and countless other places. IN FACT, in the End the Empire defeated france, because as you see the French no longer have an Empire. If you can count taking colonies as military victories, then losing them must be counted as losses.

World War 2 - French Resistance made a huge effort after their land was taken over, the British did the most to help them, that the US comes first on that list is ridiculous, they made a piss-poor effort to help the French Resistance out. France ends up on the winning side.

Odd but HALF THE FRENCH RESISTANCE WERE BRITONS!

...The french were one of the biggest allies in the American Revolutionary War, we owe our independance to them.

But that is not the end, they were kicked out of Argentina (first time an Islamic army had defeated a european in forever), Vietnam, and countless other places. IN FACT, in the End the Empire defeated france, because as you see the French no longer have an Empire. If you can count taking colonies as military victories, then losing them must be counted as losses.

Wait, the fuck? What do muslims have to do with Argentina?

Wait, the fuck? What do muslims have to do with Argentina?

I just fixed it, obviously I meant Algeria :P

Something usually stops being funny when it's been heard hundreds of times.

Wait, the fuck? What do muslims have to do with Argentina?
I was just wondering that, especially considering Argentina belonged to Spain. I presume he meant Algeria. Anyway, the French could easily have won Algeria militarily. But the atrocities that would have went with it would have been politically unacceptable. Their withdrawal was a political rather than military one.

...The french were one of the biggest allies in the American Revolutionary War, we owe our independance to them.

Though we probably wouldn't have won without foreign help, the Patriots by far did most of the work. It is like when people go "America entered WWII late, so her contributions don't count" and then they whine "If it weren't for France, America would ahve lost the revolution". So pick one.

There was also French disloyalty during the War of Independence. The French merely aided America because of
"tactical ease to stymie England's expansion and prevent British concessions after Saratoga, but France menacingly plotted to not comply with or disobey American strategy against the English in some of the most decisive battles!!!! This ruse was schemed by Vergennes, Foreign Affairs Minister, when he drafted two treaties with Benjamin Franklin to solidify the alliance. The first palpable "assistance" came from stuffy D'Estaing (inexperienced in navy matters) who arrived stalled, dearly permitting the English to consolidate at New York in July 1778. Henceforth, D'Estaing mismanaged an opportunity to rout the English by placing his heaviest guns on Sandy Hook--island with view of NY harbor where English ships consolidated--the English took it for themselves. D'Estaing followed with other tactical misdeeds at Newport, St. Lucia, and Savannah. Another infamous citation was naval officer Landais who during John Paul Jones' battle with the Serapis fired on Jones' ship, almost costing him victory." as I read on some review for a book. About 18,000 French soldiers and 31,000 French sailors fought for the rebels (for lack of a better word, as were not yet Americans). In 1780, the budgeted strength of the French line infantry, cavalry, and light troops stood at some 130,000 officers and men: the 6,000 men of Rochambeau's troops formed but a small fraction of the total French military strength. More Hessian soldiers fought for Britain! So I guess it wasn't a British loss, but a Hessian loss, try telling that to somebody and see what they say. In fact 50,000 LOYALISTS fought for the British! More Americans fought for the British than French fought in America. Spain entered the war in 1779, officially as an ally of France, not the United States however.

Guess what? The French had Napoleon, one of the best generals of all time.

Mabey he didn't win outright, but he gave Europe a hell of a time trying to.

Help! I think my internet is broken! It's running years late!

HAHAHAHAH!!!! This came from google after I searched French Military Victories

Did you mean: french military defeats


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents.
Are you really that far behind the rest of the world

I somehow doubt you found it by trial and error, rather one of your 7th grade buddies showed it to you

Help! I think my internets is broken! It's running years late!
No shit I have not seen so many dated internet jokes in one place for a LONG time.

Guess what? The French had Napoleon, one of the best generals of all time.

Mabey he didn't win outright, but he gave Europe a hell of a time trying to.


NAPOLEON WAS CORSICAN! He was born 3 months after Corsica (Corse) was handed over from Italy to France. His last name was originally pronounced "Bone-a-part-ay". His father, and I believe himself as well, fought in the Corsican independence army. When he eventually went to France people made fun of him for his Corsican accent. FINALLY Napoleon himself, a boy from a small Island was able to conquer all of France and crown himself emperor!

Finally, he wasn't that good anyway, he was defeated by an English foot-ware designer.

Though we probably wouldn't have won without foreign help

We wouldn't have won without foreign help.
We wouldn't have won without the French.

Are you really that far behind the rest of the world

I somehow doubt you found it by trial and error, rather one of your 7th grade buddies showed it to you

I am a junior in High School, and we all can't be as internet saavy as you. That was the first time I had seen that. Sorry for being so far behind the world, cant stay on the computer and be finding these "google bombs".

No shit I have not seen so many dated internet jokes in one place for a LONG time.

Look what I just found guys!!!111!!!!!
http://chaoskids.com/BABY/graphics/dance.gif

We wouldn't have won without foreign help.
We wouldn't have won without the French.

It still doesn't mean the French did more. The Americans have more than piad back their share. Tons, everywhere, In WWI, WWII, Picking up what the French made in Vietnam, etc, etc.

I am a junior in High School, and we all can't be as internet saavy as you. That was the first time I had seen that. Sorry for being so far behind the world, cant stay on the computer and be finding these "google bombs".


Google Search: Failure

Web Results 1 - 10 of about 511,000,000 for Failure [definition]. (0.06 seconds)

1. George W. Bush
Biography of the 43rd President of the United States.
www.whitehouse.gov/president/gwbbio.html - 26k - Cached - Similar pages
^

^

You do realise that most Americans agree that Bush was a failure, right?

Look what I just found guys!!!111!!!!!
http://chaoskids.com/BABY/graphics/dance.gif

Hooray!

Look what I just found guys!!!111!!!!!
http://chaoskids.com/BABY/graphics/dance.gif

Lol that is hilarious. Funny baby.

You gotta admit though, Bush is a pretty funny guy!

I am a junior in High School, and we all can't be as internet saavy as you. That was the first time I had seen that. Sorry for being so far behind the world, cant stay on the computer and be finding these "google bombs".

What the hell is a 'google bomb'?

You do realise that most Americans agree that Bush was a failure, right?

Yes, but since he pointed out a humorous google-thing, I pointed out another :cool:

Yes, but since he pointed out a humorous google-thing, I pointed out another :cool:



I see....said the blind man as he took out his hammer and saw. ;)

Trolling, and dated trolling at that.

EDIT: And yeah, the bit in brackets is my addition.