NationStates Jolt Archive

So...

My friend, who I've known since college is getting married in a few months. A month ago she asked me to be a bridesmaid and I said, "I'd think about it." Well now she has picked out the dresses and god they're horrendous. Bright pink and just, ugh.

So then she sends me an email saying that the place she is getting them from is having a deal since she is getting her wedding gown from them and the dresss would only be $379, US. My first thought was, "WTF? Is this girl out of her mind?" I won't even spend that much on clothes I want, let alone some stupid dress I'll never wear again (I don't normally wear dresses, I prefer pants like one of my idols, Kat Hepburn).

After finding that out I said that I couldn't really afford to spend that much on a dress for her wedding and that I'd have to decline being a bridesmaid. She the apparently talked to the store and they agreed to knock off 40 dollars. Big deal. Its still over three hundred! I told her I still couldn't afford it but I'd be happy to attend the ceremony etc. She said okay, but I could tell she was upset, and now our mutual freind is telling me that the bride is pissed off at me and doesn't even want me to go to the wedding.

I feel like a bitch, but I'm not going to pay that much. Yeah, in truth I could afford it, but I'm not rich, though I do all right, and its a huge waste of money. I'm definately not going to get the dress, but now I doubt I'm even going to go to the wedding. This sems like a really stupid thing to screw up a friendship over, and I feel horrible about it.

I don't even know why I'm posting here, but if you have any advice or suggestion, or you just want to call me names, go ahead and share.

*sigh* Sometimes its easier just dealing with my male friends.

So...

My friend, who I've known since college is getting married in a few months. A month ago she asked me to be a bridesmaid and I said, "I'd think about it." Well now she has picked out the dresses and god they're horrendous. Bright pink and just, ugh.

So then she sends me an email saying that the place she is getting them from is having a deal since she is getting her wedding gown from them and the dresss would only be $379, US. My first thought was, "WTF? Is this girl out of her mind?" I won't even spend that much on clothes I want, let alone some stupid dress I'll never wear again (I don't normally wear dresses, I prefer pants like one of my idols, Kat Hepburn).

After finding that out I said that I couldn't really afford to spend that much on a dress for her wedding and that I'd have to decline being a bridesmaid. She the apparently talked to the store and they agreed to knock off 40 dollars. Big deal. Its still over three hundred! I told her I still couldn't afford it but I'd be happy to attend the ceremony etc. She said okay, but I could tell she was upset, and now our mutual freind is telling me that the bride is pissed off at me and doesn't even want me to go to the wedding.

I feel like a bitch, but I'm not going to pay that much. Yeah, in truth I could afford it, but I'm not rich, though I do all right, and its a huge waste of money. I'm definately not going to get the dress, but now I doubt I'm even going to go to the wedding. This sems like a really stupid thing to screw up a friendship over, and I feel horrible about it.

I don't even know why I'm posting here, but if you have any advice or suggestion, or you just want to call me names, go ahead and share.

*sigh* Sometimes its easier just dealing with my male friends.

ach, get the dress if you can afford it. just cuz you think it's stupid to spend that much doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. it's her day after all. just my thoughts on it, 'swhat i'd do.

Am I in the wrong?

No!

talk to her. make it clear that $300 is alot for a single dress, and that you really just can't afford it, and you are truly sorry about it. See if there is some kind of compromise that can be made, such as her possibly choosing a cheaper gown or something...make it seem like you still want to be a bridesmade, but really just can't afford to spend 300 on someone elses wedding.

My experience in this field is rather...limited...but...

From my point of view, I think that you should probably have talked about the problem outright. Talk to the bride about how you feel the dresses are a poor choice, and ask if there was anything you could do to help with the situation. But that time is long past.

Of course, the bride is more than a little at fault as well. To be angry at you because you told her you cannot afford a $300 dress is absurd. As a guy, my most expensive piece of clothing are my shoes, and I wear those on a daily basis, to do near everything in. Not something I'll only wear once. Hell, I've got two suits I wear semi-regularly, and combined they barely match that price. Three hundred dollars is absurd. But, back on topic. The anger at you for declining to be a bridesmaid on the basis of the price is petty.

If you go to the wedding, you'll be able to attempt to show your friend that you do value her friendship, but not going will end the friendship forever. Just my two cents.

Once again, my viewpoint is from a different analytical basis than yours is. I'm saying what I, as a guy, would do. So, take it for what you will.

I'm going to be truthful here. Hate me if you wish.

Yes, you were in the wrong.



Asking someone to be a bridesmaid takes careful consideration. This person thought the world of you.

A wedding (ideally) only comes once in a person's life. A wedding is like a dream for the bride and groom. They wanted you to be a part of that dream. You removed yourself from her dream for materialistic reasons. Not only that, you lied about the reason you could not be a bridesmaid. You lied to one of your best friends, about her dream wedding, for money.

In life, there are some things more important than money. Or even common sense for that matter. Friends are one of them.

Slapping price tags on friendships is totally not cool. My 2 cents worth.

I'm going to be truthful here. Hate me if you wish.

Yes, you were in the wrong.



Asking someone to be a bridesmaid takes careful consideration. This person thought the world of you.

A wedding (ideally) only comes once in a person's life. A wedding is like a dream for the bride and groom. They wanted you to be a part of that dream. You removed yourself from her dream for materialistic reasons. Not only that, you lied about the reason you could not be a bridesmaid. You lied to one of your best friends, about her dream wedding, for money.

In life, there are some things more important than money. Or even common sense for that matter. Friends are one of them.

Stop talking like that or I'm gonna end up respecting you.

I'm going to be truthful here. Hate me if you wish.

Yes, you were in the wrong.



Asking someone to be a bridesmaid takes careful consideration. This person thought the world of you.

A wedding (ideally) only comes once in a person's life. A wedding is like a dream for the bride and groom. They wanted you to be a part of that dream. You removed yourself from her dream for materialistic reasons. Not only that, you lied about the reason you could not be a bridesmaid. You lied to one of your best friends, about her dream wedding, for money.

In life, there are some things more important than money. Or even common sense for that matter. Friends are one of them.

you said what i meant much better

Whether you are wrong or not depends on the scale of your finances.

That you would not normally spend this amount on a dress does not mean that it would necessarily be a large financial burden. If it would be a serious burden, then you are not wrong in saying no to her. It is her responsibility to arrange things in such a way as to be reasonable. If however you would typically spend this amount of money on a couple of nights out, then you are wrong.

It all comes down to scale.

Oh, and colour pink is something you have to tolerate. It is her wedding, her bad taste.

Keep in mind that you could always put the dress on eBay, after the wedding. Make up a funny story to go with it, and you may actually make money. :D

Asking someone to be a bridesmaid takes careful consideration. This person thought the world of you.

While I can agree with most of what you said, I can not agree with this part woithout more information. If the Bride really thought the world of 23Eris, then she would not have placed her in this type of dilema.

The bride is thinking of herself and her wedding - quite understandably so - and not as much about 23Eris and her situation as maybe she should have.

Stop talking like that or I'm gonna end up respecting you.

Sorry peeches. I'll try not to do that again.

Forget the utility of the dress in this equation--there's never been a bridesmaid's dress that has ever been used as anything else in the history of bridesmaid's dresses as far as I can tell. You're going to drop a bundle on it and if you're lucky, another friend will pick the same dress for her wedding before you change sizes.

That said, there's really no wrong or right in this--it all depends on how close a friend she is to you. Is she worth the money? Then spend it. If not, then don't.

But I never actually agreed to be a bridesmaid! I said I would think about it, I might not even be in the country at the time (though I probably will be, but a business trip overseas will be happening about that time, no exact date known yet).

Maybe I just don't understand the whole wedding craze. I don't want this big wedding thing like she does. All I want is a small gathering of friends and family, no church, none of that stuff, to me its a waste. She and her husband are going to be starting off married ten to fifteen thousand in debt!

Blah, okay so now I'm just rationalizing. I hope I don't lose a friend permanently over this, but I can't be someone I'm not. And I'm not the person who just goes out and blows money like this.

(Oh yeah, dress does not include the price of shoes or hairstyling, etc).

I hate being me sometimes.

You have to be you - being anything else you would not be the person that your friend was/is friends with. If by being yourself, the friendship ends, then it was time for that particular relationship to end anyway. Trying to change to please a friend is never a good move.

So - either your friend accepts you for who you are and gets over her hissy fit (brides to be are always highly strung anyway) or she doesn't and the friendship has run its natural course. Whichever way - dont get down on yourself about it.

But I never actually agreed to be a bridesmaid! I said I would think about it, I might not even be in the country at the time (though I probably will be, but a business trip overseas will be happening about that time, no exact date known yet).

Maybe I just don't understand the whole wedding craze. I don't want this big wedding thing like she does. All I want is a small gathering of friends and family, no church, none of that stuff, to me its a waste. She and her husband are going to be starting off married ten to fifteen thousand in debt!

Blah, okay so now I'm just rationalizing. I hope I don't lose a friend permanently over this, but I can't be someone I'm not. And I'm not the person who just goes out and blows money like this.

(Oh yeah, dress does not include the price of shoes or hairstyling, etc).

I hate being me sometimes.

There are far worse things than this. Cheer up. Do it or dont do it...but make sure you are upfront with her.

Thanks, I am trying to be upfront, I just hope this isn't going to be friendship ending.

And yes, I can afford the dress, but it would be something of a financial burden, especially right now.

My two cents... (and hey, if you get enough of us to throw in those two cents, you can go buy the dress...)

The bride SHOULD take into consideration the finances of her friends when making those sorts of expensive choices, but sadly often doesn't. That being the case, if you explained your financial situation, and she was a really good friend and still wanted you, she should have either made a less expensive choice, or offered to split the cost or found another solution (although it sounds like she did at least make an effort to get the price knocked down some). When my sister got married, she wanted us all in big blue ball gowns, and fortunately several of us could sew and my mother made all the dresses for the girls who couldn't.

On the other hand, if she is a really good friend, and really wants you there, and has her heart set on these dresses, and you CAN afford it, biting the bullet is probably the way to go.

However, if she is a casual enough friend that instead of squealing in delight and saying "Yes, of COURSE I will be a bridesmaid!" you just said "well, let me think about it" then I think you can be excused for not wanting to spend way too much on an ugly dress, and she should not be all that upset about it. And she probably should have confirmed with you LONG before the "go out and buy THIS dress" phase anyway. So it sounds like better communication would have helped prevent this problem, and the best you can do now is gently explain that the price is out of your reach and hope she understands, then go to the wedding and buy her a nice gift instead. And next time, don't assume that if you say "maybe" that the bride doesn't hear "YES!"