NationStates Jolt Archive

COMMENTARY: For quite a number of years, I was an independent mediator/arbitrator. Several of the disputes I mediated involved child support and custody issues. These were invariably the most heart-wrenching disputes, however successful resolution always resulted in less expense to the parents and less stress on all involved. This author and father makes some excellent points about the legal system's involvement in child custody cases and how to reduce expense and stress for all involved.


Keeping Divorced Dads at a Distance (http://www.military.com/NewsContent/0,13319,101683,00.html?ESRC=eb.nl)


By STEPHEN PERRINE
Published: June 18, 2006
EVERY other weekend for the past four and a half years, I've spent three precious days with my two adolescent daughters. We play tennis in summer, ski in winter, travel when the school schedule allows. But no matter where we are, we're all keenly aware of the thin membrane of secrecy that keeps us from being as close as we were before their mom and I divorced.

Like most divorced fathers, I'm caught in exactly the kind of nightmarish situation that experts on stress say to avoid — a great deal of responsibility, but very little power. I'm the major source of support for my children; my financial obligations are set by the state, and my wages automatically garnished. (If I lost my job tomorrow, and couldn't keep up with my payments, a warrant for my arrest would be issued within two months.) But my influence over how my daughters are being raised is limited, sometimes by decisions their mother makes that I have no input into, and sometimes by their allegiance to her when she and I are at odds.

In fact, there are times when these two girls, whom I've loved for a decade and a half, seem like little strangers to me. They'll forget to tell me some detail of their lives — or downright lie if they have to — so I won't feel sad that I've missed something they shared with their mom, or raise issue over some decision she's made with which I might not agree. As a result, I sometimes come away from visits or phone calls feeling shaken, saddened and angry.

My ex and I have been to court over support issues, and we've been to court over custody issues, and the legal battles inevitably trap our children in the middle and force them to choose sides. Sadly, this is exactly what not to do if you want to foster a loving parent-child bond. In a study by a child psychologist, Robert E. Emery, divorcing parents were assigned — by flip of the coin — either to mediate or litigate their custody disputes. Twelve years later, he found, that in families that went through mediation, the noncustodial parent was several times more likely to have weekly phone contact with his or her children.

Unfortunately, the system that our government has set up essentially forces divorced parents into litigation. We need to bring children and their divorced parents, especially fathers, closer together by revisiting our reckless support and custody laws, and the haphazard approach we have toward enforcing them.

Since 1998, the federal government has provided matching funds based on a percentage of money the states collect in child support — a powerful financial incentive for states to mandate and maximize support payments. As a result, parents are discouraged from negotiating a settlement: only 17 percent of current support agreements deviate from state-imposed guidelines, even though studies show that when couples set their own support figure, it's more likely to be paid (and tends to be higher than the state's figure).

And the court's involvement doesn't stop there. If Dad gets a raise, Mom takes him back to court to get more money; when Dad suffers a financial setback, he sues Mom to get his support decreased. Each time, the acrimony — and the legal fees — grow.

But while courts will jail men who can't meet their support payments, mothers who interfere with a father's custodial rights rarely face similar penalties. Often, the only recourse for a dad who wants to see his children more often is to sue, and sue and sue again.

Some fatherhood advocates argue that when mothers fail to carry through on a custody ruling, they should face fines and imprisonment, just like fathers do. That's started to happen: last fall, an Arkansas court sentenced a woman named Jennifer Linder to six months in prison for "willfully and wantonly" refusing to obey visiting orders and awarded custody to her former husband. But sending more mothers to prison can only result in more anger, and more confusion and alienation for the children in question. What is needed is less court involvement, not more.

The first step toward fostering a father and child reunion is to make private mediation of the parenting provisions (physical custody, legal custody and visiting) the standard procedure. Allowing parents the chance to negotiate their support — and possibly give fathers more of a say in how their support is spent — will decrease the vitriol, and let fathers feel more like parents, not just paychecks.

Second, we need to enact and enforce sensible penalties for interfering with visits. Jailing a mother is no way to solve the dispute; neither are financial penalties that hurt her ability to care for the child. But mediation — perhaps compelled by the threat of financial penalty — might be the solution. It's estimated that one in five children of divorce has not seen his or her father in the past year. Without substantial rethinking of our current support and custody law, children will continue to be alienated from their fathers, and lawyers will remain on hand to soak up the resulting legal fees.

Just this month, I received a summons to attend a custody conference at the Allentown, Pa., courthouse, and another letter informing me that an accounting error has left me short on support payments, and that my passport may be suspended. I want to shield my daughters from these harsh truths. So these are the secrets I'll be trying to keep from them as we gather together for Father's Day.

What secrets will they be keeping from me?

My dad doesn't even call me anymore. I tried to wish him a happy father's day, but he didn't answer or call back. There's no room for me in his new family.

My dad doesn't even call me anymore. I tried to wish him a happy father's day, but he didn't answer or call back. There's no room for me in his new family.
After making clear that it was upsetting that because of thier in-fighting I to this day don't really know if either of my parents where at my high school graduation at my college graduation (that came years and years and years later due in part to thier divorce that torpedoed my first run at college...in part, I did my part in that as well) my dad picked some sort of spazz and went to a dog show instead.

Haven't talked to him since.

Unfortunately, the system that our government has set up essentially forces divorced parents into litigation. We need to bring children and their divorced parents, especially fathers, closer together by revisiting our reckless support and custody laws, and the haphazard approach we have toward enforcing them.

I'm sorry, but that's crap. What forces parents into litigation is selfishness on the part of the parents. Could be one, could be both, but in the end, it's pure selfishness. My ex and I split eleven years ago, and since by the time the divorce went through, she was living openly as a lesbian (in the deep south), if I'd wanted to be a dick, I could have been. I could have played the "devout christian wounded sorely by the demonic dyke" card and man, would it have worked. But I'm not a dick (believe it or not), and my daughter's happiness and well-being were paramount, so my ex and I worked it out. Like adults.

And that's what it takes--two adults sitting down and saying "you know, whatever bullshit we give each other, we can't fuck our kids up, because that's the most important thing." But the key is that they have to be adults first, not overgrown five year olds sticking their tongues out at each other.

The system needs an overhaul, it really does.

But it also needs to people acting as adults to take care of their children and not like children themselves trying to score last minute hits.

My uncle went through a divorce when his ex-wife blindsighted him with wanting one. The problem in his case, is she's mentally unstable (she became depressed after the birth of my cousin, who's currently 6), and she's an alcoholic.

She's fabricated stories twice to obtain restraining orders (for her and my cousin) to screw with him mentally, professionally, and financially (He's a cop, but people that have restraining orders placed on them can't posess firearms, so he wasn't able to do his job). She's refused to allow my cousin to visit with my uncle on his days (prompting my uncle to press charges, to which she retaliated with one of the aforementioned restraining orders). She's pyschotic (IMO), and now she keeps delaying with the latest court battle. Both my uncle and his ex went in for court ordered pyschaitric evaluation, and the evaluation isn't going to work out well for her. She's trying to draw out the proceedings, in the hopes that my uncle will get frustrated and give up (she obviously doesn't know him as well as she should).

My family's fear is that if/when my uncle is awarded custody of my cousin, she's going to take off with him. She has no ties to the area (she has no job to speak of, and she lives with her parents, who pay all her bills), and as previously mentioned, is tapped in the head. In this case, mediation (which they tried) isn't the answer, court is.

Divorce is certainly one of the most under-rated of issues facing today's youth. My mother died of Cancer when I was quite young. As a child growing up without a mother no seperation could have been better in terms of support. I have been offered an irritating level of compassion and support growing up. To contrast, my friends who were going through very much the same feelings (slightly different, but not to a child) are faced with a awkward reluctance to sympathise, as though they have some kind of unfortunate minor disease. Incredibly isolating. My advice is always to f*ck the system which f*cks you. If they want you to pick, don't. If they want you to speak, don't. Take a silent protest until they decide to deal with the situation in a way more appropriate to you. After all, if anyone is allowed (or even expected) to be selfish it is the children.

And that's what it takes--two adults sitting down and saying "you know, whatever bullshit we give each other, we can't fuck our kids up, because that's the most important thing." But the key is that they have to be adults first, not overgrown five year olds sticking their tongues out at each other.


I do agree, but the sad fact is that any nincompute may become a parent. I have worked in primary schools more or less since -97, and there are some unfit parents out there. Perhaps that's why I now work part time for the child-care.

Meh. The system is broke. It doesn’t help that the whole child support thing seems set up more to punish people for having sex than actually helping the children.

I do agree, but the sad fact is that any nincompute may become a parent. I have worked in primary schools more or less since -97, and there are some unfit parents out there. Perhaps that's why I now work part time for the child-care.

Yeah but exactly how are you going to convince people that it would be a good thing to require people get a "parenting license?"


"Family" or "Parenting" licensing would very quickly make the DMV look like a walk in the park. I mean you could have lines spanning multiple city blocks... Doesn't even touch on the moral/legal issue of privacy in requiring people to be "fit" for parenthood.

Long story short I think "unfit" parents are here to stay... Its not like you can force people to read up on how to parent well.



And as far as the system goes so long as your state has a no-fault divorce statute you and your spouse can just choose to up and walk away without any trial if both parties are willing to do so. The problem is that the justice system still has a bias regarding the status of "primary care giver" which courts time and time against consistently assume is the mother. So long as daddy sends his checks to mommy everything is just fine... Two issues are what make divorces ugly: money and kids.

Most no fault divorces result in 50-50 splits, which for embittered people this can be a tough pill to swallow. And for kids there is no "50-50" compromise to be reached, and this too can be tough to swallow.



It saddens me greatly to hear about all the cases of damage cause by embittered divorces. It honestly makes me wish that people were more careful about marriage and what sort of consequences a divorce will have before having kids. Sure people aren't psychic; people don't always know if things will work out. I think what irks me most about family and marriage is the divorce rate in in the first couple years or so. If more people took the time to find out what living together was like, then I suspect a great deal of doomed marriages wouldn't happen. Living together is very different from dating someone in my experience, though obviously your mileage may vary...

NT

All I know is that divorce is big money, and I'm gettin' me a piece. :) I get those dollar-signs in my eyes every time I see a new high-priced tract-housing project going up, which is every three days or so here in California.. it's a goldmine.

And that's what it takes--two adults sitting down and saying "you know, whatever bullshit we give each other, we can't fuck our kids up, because that's the most important thing." But the key is that they have to be adults first, not overgrown five year olds sticking their tongues out at each other.

Been there and tried that Nazz but it takes both people being reasonable and lawyers kept the hell out of it to keep it simple. As soon as the ex got a lawyer all sorts of rubbish got planted in her febrile mind and from then it went downhill.. Maybe we should just shoot the lawyers ;).

I love both my parents, the best any son can. But, I dont agree with the way my mother mooches off my dad when she's capable of a job earning more than enough to support all 6 of her children (2 remaining at home, 4 of age on their own).

My 3 older sisters and I fully supported the decision for our parents divorce, as they were failing at keeping it together. Since we were all over 18, we weren't the ones who had to make a judgement on which parent was best, that was down to my younger brother and sister.

Eventually it turned out that my brother wanted to stay with my father, and my sister with my mother, but the court states this was an impossibility as it would "infringe on current living status", basically meaning it'd be too different.

My brother was forced to stay with my mother, and only saw my father for 1 week a month. When he turned 18 last march, he was quick to get to see more of my father, and that's the bonus.

The whole idea of courts of law making any influence over family relationships is reckless and overstepping legal boundaries that we normally wouldn't accept. If i get home and my partner tells me she's pregnant, I dont want to have a lawyer in with me to cross section her to make sure it's a.) mine b.) real c.) wanted.

Sometimes things should just be left to the parents, a bottle of wine, and the kids. Everybody writes what they want on paper, and then it's decided as a group what happens next.

I did a quick calculation... I haven't seen nor spoken to my father in about 10 years. *shrugs

Most no fault divorces result in 50-50 splits, which for embittered people this can be a tough pill to swallow. And for kids there is no "50-50" compromise to be reached, and this too can be tough to swallow.

I disagree with the part i bolded. Co-parenting is the way to go after any divorce imho. The couple choose to have children, and even though they might not get along any more, their shared responsibility for their children remanes and they should take that responsibility. There simply isnt a way to cop out of it.
When my parents divorced (17 years ago now), they did split the children 50/50. We'd spent one week at dad, then one week at mum. They also agreed not to move more then 15 mins by cycle away from eachother for as long as my sister (the youngest) was still in high school. And they still live close together, even though my sister is in her 3rd year in college by now.

Luckily my parents split was as friendly as divorces get. They can talk with eachother, they even go camping with a whole bunch of their college friends once a year (both brought their new husband/wife there aswell). They even shared their lawyer for divorce court (still obligatory to go to court back then)

I know that the way my parents handled their divorce isn't even close to how most divorces happen. But it's always made me happy to know that they don't hate eachothers guts, like so many divorcees.

I disagree with the part i bolded. Co-parenting is the way to go after any divorce imho. The couple choose to have children, and even though they might not get along any more, their shared responsibility for their children remanes and they should take that responsibility. There simply isnt a way to cop out of it.
When my parents divorced (17 years ago now), they did split the children 50/50. We'd spent one week at dad, then one week at mum. They also agreed not to move more then 15 mins by cycle away from eachother for as long as my sister (the youngest) was still in high school. And they still live close together, even though my sister is in her 3rd year in college by now.

Luckily my parents split was as friendly as divorces get. They can talk with eachother, they even go camping with a whole bunch of their college friends once a year (both brought their new husband/wife there aswell). They even shared their lawyer for divorce court (still obligatory to go to court back then)

I know that the way my parents handled their divorce isn't even close to how most divorces happen. But it's always made me happy to know that they don't hate eachothers guts, like so many divorcees.My parents divorce was messy as fuck. We still got 50-50 co-parenting despite my dad getting his arse kicked in the courts. It wasn't one week with one and second week with the other. My mum got 3 weekday nights, my dad got 2 and the weekends alternated.

But, yeah it was messy for years. They talk to each other now, but things can still easily get quite messy, especially when finances are concerned. In about 3 years my youngest sister will be of majority and so the finance issue will cease to be a problem.

But anyway, 50-50 co-parenting is possible for any divorced couple who aren't completely self-obessed and actually care for their children.