NationStates Jolt Archive

God, I am going to regret even asking this on a public forum, but I'm sick of thinking all day.

(You can laugh at this little story-thing)


Okay. Here's the thing I want to clear up first. I'm an indeterminate age, and I have a few problems. I don't allow myself to actually "like," people. I can't really do that, I see too many people date, get hurt, and so forth. I don't see the point, when all that happens is groups of people get hurt. I wasn't always liek this, but everytime I've tried to "love," it's unrequited, so I've pretty much given up. But I think my little protest is being broken down.

I have a friend who's a girl (Best friend). Well, normally it's expected for a guy to have a crush on his best friend if it's a girl, but I've got a couple problems with it.

1. She's my best friend- That never ends well
2. Friends of mine have dated her in the past- Yeah, my friends are dicks, but I can't alter my morals for that.
3. She's gay- I'm a guy.

Now, I really don't want this attraction, but I can't seem to kill it. I mean, I've been told I want it, but I don't want to disrespect her by letting her know about it, and I guess I agree to an extent. Now, to everything inside of me, it's wrong, but is it? I mean, I have the logical argument I can give myself of her being gay, but ratioanlity only lasts so long.....

My question is, how do I stop caring about these kinds of things entirely?

I don't know if it's different with adults, but I find acknowledging it, but not thinking too hard about it helps. Keep yourself occupied with other things. A month or two from now the thought won't lurk in your mind anymore.

God, I am going to regret even asking this on a public forum, but I'm sick of thinking all day.

(You can laugh at this little story-thing)


Okay. Here's the thing I want to clear up first. I'm an indeterminate age, and I have a few problems. I don't allow myself to actually "like," people. I can't really do that, I see too many people date, get hurt, and so forth. I don't see the point, when all that happens is groups of people get hurt. I wasn't always liek this, but everytime I've tried to "love," it's unrequited, so I've pretty much given up. But I think my little protest is being broken down.

I have a friend who's a girl (Best friend). Well, normally it's expected for a guy to have a crush on his best friend if it's a girl, but I've got a couple problems with it.

1. She's my best friend- That never ends well
2. Friends of mine have dated her in the past- Yeah, my friends are dicks, but I can't alter my morals for that.
3. She's gay- I'm a guy.

Now, I really don't want this attraction, but I can't seem to kill it. I mean, I've been told I want it, but I don't want to disrespect her by letting her know about it, and I guess I agree to an extent. Now, to everything inside of me, it's wrong, but is it? I mean, I have the logical argument I can give myself of her being gay, but ratioanlity only lasts so long.....

My question is, how do I stop caring about these kinds of things entirely?
Quite an odd question. Fortunately, you've come to a place where you're likely to be taken seriously, which is rare on the internet.

Anyway, I personally suggest you talk to her about this, explain the situation, every last detail. If she's your best friend, she knows you quite well and would be able to understand this. She could probably help you out with it a damned sight better than anything you could do alone.

Well, if you were a woman, menopause would take care of the problem. But guys don't go through that. So I would have to say, time will, unfortunatelly, take care of the problem. But when you become completely numb, you will wish you weren't. It seems that you can't stop caring about only one thing. When your emotions shut down, they shut down about everything. That sort of makes life suck.

First of all, if she’s gay, she’s no different than every other chick that doesn’t find you attractive and never will, on that level anyway, so I can understand how rationalizing it didn't work.

About the problem of chicks in general, you're always going to have some sort of "need" if you do now. That's biology.

Actively attempt to get laid by a different girl. If successful it will help you get your mind off of this one.

Woah, woah, sex did not come into this. ( I don't like the idea of sex at all, it scares me)

I'm not looking for sex, I just don't want to "love" another person

Get a sex change.

I believe the only effective way to stop these "feelings" is to have your wee-wee etc. removed. And possibly that portion of the brain associated with emotion. Good luck!

I believe the only effective way to stop these "feelings" is to have your wee-wee etc. removed. And possibly that portion of the brain associated with emotion. Good luck!
Tee-hee, you said wee-wee.

Woah, woah, sex did not come into this. ( I don't like the idea of sex at all, it scares me)
Then you have a whole other set of problems. You should see a psychologist or something. Of course, if you like it that way, well then don't.
I'm not looking for sex, I just don't want to "love" another person
I suppose you could just make yourself into an extremely hateful person. Whenever you find yourself thinking about the good qualities in anyone, just think about how terrible they are in some other way.

Just curious why don’t you want to love another person exactly?

Just curious why don’t you want to love another person exactly?

I see too many people love, and then get hurt. If I try, it'll happen, and I deal with emotional pain far worse than most people.

Then you have a whole other set of problems. You should see a psychologist or something. Of course, if you like it that way, well then don't.

I suppose you could just make yourself into an extremely hateful person. Whenever you find yourself thinking about the good qualities in anyone, just think about how terrible they are in some other way.

Just curious why don’t you want to love another person exactly?

Actually, "hate" is not the opposite of "love". "Indifference" is.

My question is, how do I stop caring about these kinds of things entirely?

Shut yourself off from all meaningful emotional connections and desensitize yourself to attractive women by viewing a lot of them.

Actually, "hate" is not the opposite of "love". "Indifference" is.
Depends on the circumstance.
And it's pretty hard for a hateful person to love.

Shut yourself off from all meaningful emotional connections and desensitize yourself to attractive women by viewing a lot of them.
Porn=healing

Porn=healing

Well porn would work in this case, yes. And I'm suddenly having an urge to sing Sexual Healing...

Shut yourself off from all meaningful emotional connections and desensitize yourself to attractive women by viewing a lot of them.
Does not work. :cool:

Depends on the circumstance.
And it's pretty hard for a hateful person to love.
"Hate" and "Love" are emotions of intensity. It is impossible to hate something that you do not also love in some sense. The lack of emotional intensity is "Indifference."

Does not work. :cool:

*shrug* It worked quite well for me at the time of my life when that was my choice for how to cope with the issue.

Ok, re-read the OP.

I have a question:

How long have you known her?

When I had a little crush thing on my best friend (girl) it went away after a while because.. I can't explain it.. if I'm friends with someone, I can't think of them in any other way than being a friend.


Did that make sense? Or do I need to re-re-read?

And sorry for that other post, thought this was a thread asking for help on how to get the person to go out with you..

If you don't want sex, and you love her it doesn't matter what parts she like her partner to have, you're already in platonic relationship hell.

Then you have a whole other set of problems. You should see a psychologist or something. Of course, if you like it that way, well then don't.

I suppose you could just make yourself into an extremely hateful person. Whenever you find yourself thinking about the good qualities in anyone, just think about how terrible they are in some other way.

Just curious why don’t you want to love another person exactly?



I never see peoples good qualities... doe that make me hateful?:(

*shrug* It worked quite well for me at the time of my life when that was my choice for how to cope with the issue.
Allow me to amend: has not worked for me.
Your results may vary ;)

I never see peoples good qualities... doe that make me hateful?:(
No, just annoying ;)

Ok, re-read the OP.

I have a question:

How long have you known her?

When I had a little crush thing on my best friend (girl) it went away after a while because.. I can't explain it.. if I'm friends with someone, I can't think of them in any other way than being a friend.


Did that make sense? Or do I need to re-re-read?

And sorry for that other post, thought this was a thread asking for help on how to get the person to go out with you..

Okay. I started going to school with this person 5 years ago. We only talked sporadically, but I did notice her in that way. This year, I wanted to try to go out with a friend of hers, so we talked about stuff. I failed in that, and took it as my 3rd strike, so I stopped trying to get a relationship. Now, before I failed I started to realize I liked her a bit too, but I ignored it.

Well, we really got along well together, so we became really good friends. We pretty much do everything together, including college. But after prom night (I can't go into details why, for legal reasons), I stopped ignoring it because I was really scared after an event, and it "cleared me up" (That's not too hard to understand is it?), and I lost my high.


Since then, I've been really edgy about liking her.

My question is, how do I stop caring about these kinds of things entirely?

With time, you can. It starts to go away when the horimones do, and with some willpower, you can banish those thoughts from your mind... took about seven years for me, but I'm through it. It's a good feeling when you reach your goal.

No, just annoying ;)


Your- your name- your name isn't Lillie is it?:p /:(

If you don't want sex, and you love her it doesn't matter what parts she like her partner to have, you're already in platonic relationship hell.
Yeah, this.

Because if this is true:
Woah, woah, sex did not come into this. ( I don't like the idea of sex at all, it scares me)

I'm not looking for sex, I just don't want to "love" another person
then what difference? If you're not going to touch each other funny it doesn't matter what gender they're attracted to-you're getting out of that relationship pretty much what you want anyway.

With time, you can. It starts to go away when the horimones do, and with some willpower, you can banish those thoughts from your mind... took about seven years for me, but I'm through it. It's a good feeling when you reach your goal.
But why would you want to?

I just don't want to "love" another person

As the saying goes, nec mortem effugere quisquam nec amorem potest. No one can escape death or love.

But why would you want to?

I didn't want to, it's just something that happened.. was shy in school, dropped out of school at 16, worked full time, finished school by correspondence, co-ran the family business after 9/11, worked full-time through college (I went to a commuter college, no socializing), then took a job driving a truck OTR (living on the road, 6 weeks out, three days home, 6 weeks out, etc).

That's just how it goes.. I had my regrets at first, but it goes away. I was trying to be encouraging, by noting that it's perfectly possible to live without personal relationships with people..

God, I am going to regret even asking this on a public forum, but I'm sick of thinking all day.

(You can laugh at this little story-thing)


Okay. Here's the thing I want to clear up first. I'm an indeterminate age, and I have a few problems. I don't allow myself to actually "like," people. I can't really do that, I see too many people date, get hurt, and so forth. I don't see the point, when all that happens is groups of people get hurt. I wasn't always liek this, but everytime I've tried to "love," it's unrequited, so I've pretty much given up. But I think my little protest is being broken down.

I have a friend who's a girl (Best friend). Well, normally it's expected for a guy to have a crush on his best friend if it's a girl, but I've got a couple problems with it.

1. She's my best friend- That never ends well
2. Friends of mine have dated her in the past- Yeah, my friends are dicks, but I can't alter my morals for that.
3. She's gay- I'm a guy.

Now, I really don't want this attraction, but I can't seem to kill it. I mean, I've been told I want it, but I don't want to disrespect her by letting her know about it, and I guess I agree to an extent. Now, to everything inside of me, it's wrong, but is it? I mean, I have the logical argument I can give myself of her being gay, but ratioanlity only lasts so long.....

My question is, how do I stop caring about these kinds of things entirely?
You can't. They will fade in time.

I see too many people love, and then get hurt. If I try, it'll happen, and I deal with emotional pain far worse than most people.

Deal with it. If you never take the risk, you will never get the payoff.

God, I am going to regret even asking this on a public forum, but I'm sick of thinking all day.

(You can laugh at this little story-thing)

You probably will, and I'm already laughing. Though disclaimer, nothing I'm saying is meant to be rude, just blunt.

Okay. Here's the thing I want to clear up first. I'm an indeterminate age, and I have a few problems.

You're young, probably middle or high school. Everyone has problems in this time period, especially with girls.

I don't allow myself to actually "like," people. I can't really do that, I see too many people date, get hurt, and so forth. I don't see the point, when all that happens is groups of people get hurt. I wasn't always liek this, but everytime I've tried to "love," it's unrequited, so I've pretty much given up. But I think my little protest is being broken down.

Right... Its actually more like you are too scared to go after more girls because the few that you tried to get with, didn't want to be with you, probably because you targeted the hottest/most popular girls, and didn't realize they were much higher on the ladder than you can get(Ladder theory, won't get into it if you don't know what it is).

I have a friend who's a girl (Best friend). Well, normally it's expected for a guy to have a crush on his best friend if it's a girl, but I've got a couple problems with it.

Is she really your best friend? Or just a good friend? Its important.

1. She's my best friend- That never ends well
2. Friends of mine have dated her in the past- Yeah, my friends are dicks, but I can't alter my morals for that.
3. She's gay- I'm a guy.

It ends well sometimes. I was friends for about 9 months with my current girl before anything even started between us. Best friends aren't much different; if you know how to get with girls in general, a best friend is potentially easy target.

Morals? Ugh. Thats going to hurt you. Two of my best friends were interested in my girl before I started going with her. Granted, one is a total douche with women, and got his ass basically handed to him, and the other one said it was ok for me to go with her... Morals are bad.

I don't believe she's completely gay. Especially at younger ages, like highschool and below. She could like girls. My girl prefers other girls, and she has a girlfriend too. You just got to know how to work girls, my son.

Now, I really don't want this attraction, but I can't seem to kill it. I mean, I've been told I want it, but I don't want to disrespect her by letting her know about it, and I guess I agree to an extent.

Disrespect? Ugh. It has nothing to do with disrespect. You are afraid she will say no. If you have had trouble getting with most girls you've gone after, she probably will. I suggest practicing on random unattractive girls that you can see first, so you can try to pick up how to play women.

Now, to everything inside of me, it's wrong, but is it? I mean, I have the logical argument I can give myself of her being gay, but ratioanlity only lasts so long.....

My question is, how do I stop caring about these kinds of things entirely?

You don't want to stop caring. You want to have rabid sex with her, and you just don't think you can get it on with her. Everyone must go through their own path toward womendom, you can't find the answer online.

Actively attempt to get laid by a different girl. If successful it will help you get your mind off of this one.

Haha...

You do not know how well that one can play out...

Okay. I started going to school with this person 5 years ago. We only talked sporadically, but I did notice her in that way. This year, I wanted to try to go out with a friend of hers, so we talked about stuff. I failed in that, and took it as my 3rd strike, so I stopped trying to get a relationship. Now, before I failed I started to realize I liked her a bit too, but I ignored it.

Well, we really got along well together, so we became really good friends. We pretty much do everything together, including college. But after prom night (I can't go into details why, for legal reasons), I stopped ignoring it because I was really scared after an event, and it "cleared me up" (That's not too hard to understand is it?), and I lost my high.


Since then, I've been really edgy about liking her.

Ahh, so you actually went through something similar to me.

With my current girl, I was going after one of her best friends when we were starting to get close. The girl turned me down, so I basically said "Fuck her".

I used indifference with innocent reasons to see my current girl. She got more and more into me, and I gave in little by little, even though in reality I wanted to be with her.

Finally, my prom date canceled(was a bitch too, because she was incredibly good looking), so I asked my girl to go with me. She did, and we started going out after that night.

Your problem, is that you didn't play her well when she was getting close to you.

God, I am going to regret even asking this on a public forum, but I'm sick of thinking all day.

(You can laugh at this little story-thing)


Okay. Here's the thing I want to clear up first. I'm an indeterminate age, and I have a few problems. I don't allow myself to actually "like," people. I can't really do that, I see too many people date, get hurt, and so forth. I don't see the point, when all that happens is groups of people get hurt. I wasn't always liek this, but everytime I've tried to "love," it's unrequited, so I've pretty much given up. But I think my little protest is being broken down.

I have a friend who's a girl (Best friend). Well, normally it's expected for a guy to have a crush on his best friend if it's a girl, but I've got a couple problems with it.

1. She's my best friend- That never ends well
2. Friends of mine have dated her in the past- Yeah, my friends are dicks, but I can't alter my morals for that.
3. She's gay- I'm a guy.

Now, I really don't want this attraction, but I can't seem to kill it. I mean, I've been told I want it, but I don't want to disrespect her by letting her know about it, and I guess I agree to an extent. Now, to everything inside of me, it's wrong, but is it? I mean, I have the logical argument I can give myself of her being gay, but ratioanlity only lasts so long.....

My question is, how do I stop caring about these kinds of things entirely?
what you should do is try and find someone who is actually 'accessible' to fall in love with. as in someone with whom you can actually have a relationship with if that's what you want. if so far your love has always been unrequited i rekon that's something you should think about. and the only way you can really get over this unrequited love is to distance yourself from the person or remove yourself from the situation. try and see her less, actively seek other friends or see your other friends more often. telling her how you're feeling is not likely to help much and has greater potential to make your continued friendship awkward than anything else.

this advice comes from personal experience and it's advice that my own friends and family have given me in the numerous occasions when i've fallen in love with people i can't be with. fell in love with my best friend at school who was straight, also fell in love with one of my flatmates, and fell in love with a girl who lived hundreds of miles away across the sea. another thing to do while you're apart is to think of some of the things you don't like about this girl or that you wish you could change if there are any. that way you will grow apart in your mind, so to speak, so when you see her again you will feel less for her. worked for me anyway. hope something of this can be of help. if nothing else works, time will, either way you're just going to have to deal with some emotional turmoil for a while.

Dude, just chill out a bit. Really. You're talking about love as if it's a bad thing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If people get hurt then they do. That's just the way the cards were dealt and there is nothing one can do excpet paly their hand. It's like that with life and it's like that with love.

Nobody here can tell you what to do or how to solve problems and that's part of life, figuring it out on your own. That's not to say we can't give you advice, but in the end you're just going to have to follow you're own heart and not that of some person on a computer 3000 miles away.

So onto my advice. Talk to her. If she really is your best friend and somebody you love then she will understand. Maybe not right away, but don't let that discourage you. But you aren't going to get anywhere unless the other half of this story knows the story. Trust me I know.

if you dont want sex, what do you want that you arent having now with a best friend?

if you love her but dont want to be her "boyfriend" just TELL HER. tell her that you love her, that you find her very attractive in a "no i dont ever want sex" kinda way, that she's just the coolest girl ever.

the only way it will go bad is if you suddenly find that you DO want sex. that wont work out well. but if all you want is a more affectionate relationship, no reason not to talk about it.

Right, from your post I'm guessing you're in your early/mid teens, so I'm going to go from there.

Firstly, you may think that she's your best friend, but are you her best friend? That will ultimately be more important. Not to mention that she probably isn't your best friend either. "Best friend", when used by a straight guy about a girl, is generally a code phrase used by guys of the "nice, sensitive guy" persuasion as an excuse for following a girl around like a lost puppy, to the exclusion of everyone else, because they want to fuck her senseless. Now, I'm not necessarily accusing you of this, I just want you to take a long hard look at this situation. I got into your position a while back, and it wasn't pretty.

Second, is she really a lesbian? A lot of girls of the age I'm assuming you are will act lesbian for attention from guys. Sure, she may act lesbian in front of you, probably just saying things like "zomg well me and my female friend are off for teh HOT LESBIAN SECKS!!1111", maybe hugging other girls, but she almost certainly isn't. The fact that she has been getting with all your friends somewhat contradicts her claims as well. And deep down you probably know this. Stop making excuses.

Finally, I doubt you want to remove these feelings. If you wanted to kill your feelings for her, you wouldn't need to because you wouldn't feel anything for her in the first place. Making excuses doesn't get you anywhere. I'm also pretty sure that your fear of sex is actually a fear of rejection. Once you find someone who is willing to go all the way and who you like back, you'll just do it and wonder what all the fuss was about.

I know this is going to sound cliched, but you have three options. The first is to screw your courage to the sticking place and confront her. By this I mean actually asking, not spending six months telling her that she's beautiful over MSN. Either she'll say yes, in which case congratulations, you get to bone her, or she'll reject you, in which case you'll feel like shit for a couple of days and then get over it. Or you can sit here and mope about how you wish you could cut these feelings right out of yourself, which is an incredible exercise in futility as it just makes you dwell on it more.

Or finally, you could take the third option. To be brutally honest, from what you said I doubt you have a chance with her at the moment. So instead of thinking about her constantly, try something else. Hang out with your male friends more, get a hobby, or just push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road. Ultimately, no-one wants a desperate loser. Its the normal, balanced guy without an obvious and creepy obsession with her that the girl will go for.

Good luck!

Right, from your post I'm guessing you're in your early/mid teens, so I'm going to go from there.

Late teen's actually. Just graduated high school, 1/3 of the way to my associates.



Firstly, you may think that she's your best friend, but are you her best friend? That will ultimately be more important. Not to mention that she probably isn't your best friend either. "Best friend", when used by a straight guy about a girl, is generally a code phrase used by guys of the "nice, sensitive guy" persuasion as an excuse for following a girl around like a lost puppy, to the exclusion of everyone else, because they want to fuck her senseless. Now, I'm not necessarily accusing you of this, I just want you to take a long hard look at this situation. I got into your position a while back, and it wasn't pretty.

I've heard the same thing, but I mean best friend. I know it sounds lame, but she's like the best guy buddy role for me.


Second, is she really a lesbian? A lot of girls of the age I'm assuming you are will act lesbian for attention from guys. Sure, she may act lesbian in front of you, probably just saying things like "zomg well me and my female friend are off for teh HOT LESBIAN SECKS!!1111", maybe hugging other girls, but she almost certainly isn't. The fact that she has been getting with all your friends somewhat contradicts her claims as well. And deep down you probably know this. Stop making excuses.

No, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian, gay pride movement and all. She hasn't dated a guy for several years now, it it annoys her a lot when a guy hits on her. The last friend of mine she dated was like 3 years ago, and after that she started avoiding guys completely.


You probably will, and I'm already laughing. Though disclaimer, nothing I'm saying is meant to be rude, just blunt.

No problem

Right... Its actually more like you are too scared to go after more girls because the few that you tried to get with, didn't want to be with you, probably because you targeted the hottest/most popular girls, and didn't realize they were much higher on the ladder than you can get(Ladder theory, won't get into it if you don't know what it is).

Most likely, but I knew not to go after the popular ones.


Is she really your best friend? Or just a good friend? Its important.

A good friend knows the embarassing things about me. A best friend knows what I'm afraid of.... I just can't share this fear her, as it directly her. Causes more grief.