NationStates Jolt Archive

Hey, found this "joke", if you will, on a website, I think. I completely agree with it. Any thoughts, suggestions, flames? Let's hear em

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?"

The Pagan asks, "Where am I?"

Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven."

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland."

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling."

"What should I do now?"

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?"

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"

Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill."

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT ???"

Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way."

Hell sounds pretty damn hawt to me. :cool:

ROFLMAO

It reminded me a quote from Paradise Lost: Your mind can make a hell out of heaven and a heaven out of hell. (It's something along those lines, but I don't remember the exact wording of the quote.)

There's another funny story on this.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Haha. Well, there is the theory of heaven being hotter than hell. I don't think its all fire and brimstone, for it to be truly hell there has to be some ice. Eternally frozen in time and not going anywhere. Now THAT is truly torturous.

Hells hotter than anything I'll ever feel and thankfully I'll never have to feel it.

Hells hotter than anything I'll ever feel and thankfully I'll never have to feel it.

Says you.

Silly southerners and their hot hells. Up here, Hell is cold.

Haha. Well, there is the theory of heaven being hotter than hell. I don't think its all fire and brimstone, for it to be truly hell there has to be some ice. Eternally frozen in time and not going anywhere. Now THAT is truly torturous.

If we assume that Heaven is in the upper atmosphere (as Hell is, conversely, below the Earth's surface), then it actually could get pretty hot. The thermosphere, part of the outermost layer of the atmosphere, can actually get to around 1,500 centigrade (about 2,700 Fahrenheit) when it is facing the Sun.

However, the Earth's mantle is usually considerably hotter than this, though it really depends how deep you go.

I really don't get it. At least I hope I don't get it, because if I do it isn't funny at all.

What don't you get? The first joke? I agree, it's kinda weak. But the chemistry one is really good.

What don't you get? The first joke? I agree, it's kinda weak. But the chemistry one is really good.
Yeah. I'm just really hoping I missed something in the first one. It's always good to have a good joke making fun of Christians, but the bad anti-Christian jokes are the worst.

The secound joke is genius.

An inuit religion (if theres more than one) (and some other religions) belive that Hell is in the sky and very cold, Heaven is in the ground, and soo warm and nice

An inuit religion (if theres more than one) (and some other religions) belive that Hell is in the sky and very cold, Heaven is in the ground, and soo warm and nice

The view of what the afterlife is like is all about cultural context. The word "Paradise" comes from an Arabic word which signified a garden. Living as they did in a somewhat deserty climate, Paradise was thought of as the lush opposite.

The word "Paradise" comes from an Arabic word which signified a garden. Living as they did in a somewhat deserty climate, Paradise was thought of as the lush opposite.

Thats news to me, but i fully understand the paradise is what you most want part, of course the Eskimo's would want warmth in their heaven, and naturally, desert-dwellers(not trying to be derogatory here) would want flowing water, and it to be nice and cool

Heaven is hell = world. It's basically what you make from it.

There's another funny story on this.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

...

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

meh - i heard this ages ago, except, curiously, the conclusion said that he hadnt slept with her yet, so the first one must be true
i think that version's funnier

http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/hell.htm

Freezing cold (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell%2C_Norway)

An inuit religion (if theres more than one) (and some other religions) belive that Hell is in the sky and very cold, Heaven is in the ground, and soo warm and nice

I thought the inuit believed that there is no hell at all, that the final resting place after death for all souls is in the moon. But thats just what I read from wikipedia couple of years ago.

Hells hotter than anything I'll ever feel and thankfully I'll never have to feel it.
Racists get fast-tracked right in. No queue for you!

There's another funny story on this.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"That's hiralious.