NationStates Jolt Archive

Source (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27834)

Pope Forgives Molested Children

May 22, 2002 | Issue 38•19

VATICAN CITY—Calling forgiveness "one of the highest virtues taught to us by Jesus," Pope John Paul II issued a papal decree Monday absolving priest-molested children of all sin.

Enlarge ImagePope Forgives

The Pope.

"Though grave and terrible sins have been committed, our Lord teaches us to turn the other cheek and forgive those who sin against us," said the pope, reading a prepared statement from a balcony overlooking St. Peter's Square. "That is why, despite the terrible wrongs they have committed, the church must move on and forgive these children for their misdeeds."

"As Jesus said, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,'" the pope continued. "We must send a clear message to these hundreds—perhaps thousands—of children whose sinful ways have tempted so many of the church's servants into lustful violation of their holy vows of celibacy. The church forgives them for their transgressions and looks upon them not with intolerance, but compassion."

The papal announcement arrives in response to public outcry over the sex scandal sweeping the Catholic church in the U.S. Though official church doctrine condemns such transgressions, the pope's decision, observers say, is intended to demonstrate the church's willingness to put the scandal behind it and restore the public trust.

"By forgiving these children, primarily churchgoing boys between the ages of 5 and 15, the pope has shown true Christian kindness," said Father Thomas O'Malley, a member of the New York archdiocese and one of the many priests implicated in charges of sexual activity with minors. "The pope is saying that, in their own way, these sinful youths are victims, too. Through their absolution, he sends the important message that empathy, contrary to what naysayers and critics in the secular media would have us believe, does have a place in modern Catholicism."

For Catholics waiting for the pope to break his long silence on the scandal, the sweeping, decisive nature of his response has come as welcome relief.

"The pope has shown great love and compassion, much as Jesus did when he ministered to tax collectors and whores," said Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston. "Despite all they have done to jeopardize the careers of so many priests—to say nothing of imperiling the priests' immortal souls—the church embraces these underaged seducers and tempters with open arms. The pope's words and actions prove that the church is willing to put an end to the suffering and let the healing begin."

The mass absolution is being hailed by church scholars as one of the Vatican's most progressive acts since the Second Vatican Council in 1962.

"One cannot overstate the break from tradition this represents," said lay administrator Bruce McConnachie of the Los Angeles archdiocese. "After all, under church doctrine, the act of seducing a priest is considered a grave sin against the laws of God, punishable by condemnation to Hell for all eternity. But the pope has put all of that aside. He has let bygones be bygones. For this, all of those misbehaving, sexy little guys should feel grateful. By showing such willingness to forgive and forget, the pope has sent a clear message: Even though these boys have done much to undermine and subvert the priestly vows of celibacy, they are still deserving of God's love."

Margaret Leahy, 39, a Somerville, MA, homemaker and mother of one of the alleged seducers, expressed relief over the pope's announcement.

"For months, I feared that my boy—and the dozens of others who committed sinful acts with Father Halloran before he was moved to the safety of another parish to protect him from further temptation at their pre-pubescent hands—was going to Hell for what he'd done," Leahy said. "It's the worst feeling a mother can know. But thanks to the forgiveness of the pope, my long nightmare is finally over. He was just a boy of 8 at the time. He didn't know any better. Thank you, your Holiness, for giving my poor little Timothy a second chance at redemption."

However, not everyone within the Catholic church is so supportive of the pope's actions.

"What kind of a message is the pope sending today's children? That it's okay to seduce priests?" said one concerned Baltimore priest who asked to remain anonymous due to a pending court case. "With the pope's announcement, the church is essentially telling its youngest members, 'Go ahead and let Father So-And-So reach into your swim trunks at the church-youth-group pool party. It's okay, the pope will forgive you in the end.' Without fear of eternal damnation, how are these provocative young lotharios ever going to learn?"

"As the creep of secular humanism continues to chip away at our most sacred institutions, the Vatican has established a dangerous precedent," the priest continued. "We look to the church's authority for justice and righteousness, not politically convenient solutions that maintain the status quo. These nubile sinners should be held accountable for the damage they've done."



Now, this article is from The Onion, and it's four years old. First off, is the article real? I know The Onion is somewhat of a comedy paper, but this is just crazy enough to be believable. Secondly, why haven't I heard about this in the four years hence? No comedians, no news, other than this article.

Is it true? Was the pope really THAT much of an asshole? I mean, I know he was already an asshole for being the pope in the first place, but can someone clear this up for me?

Oops.

WTF, indeed.

Source (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27834)





Now, this article is from The Onion, and it's four years old. First off, is the article real? I know The Onion is somewhat of a comedy paper, but this is just crazy enough to be believable. Secondly, why haven't I heard about this in the four years hence? No comedians, no news, other than this article.

Is it true? Was the pope really THAT much of an asshole? I mean, I know he was already an asshole for being the pope in the first place, but can someone clear this up for me?


The Onion is not just a comedy paper, it is a satirical one. None of its articles are real. They use current events, yes, but none of what they report is true. Calm down.

I'm not sure do you think this could be a satirical piss-take?

Dude, you're going to make me crack a rib! Please, stop!

Is it true? Was the pope really THAT much of an asshole? I mean, I know he was already an asshole for being the pope in the first place, but can someone clear this up for me?
No, like every Onion article it's a funny fake. To absolve victims of sin would be very stupid and completely out of step with JPII's character.

No, like every Onion article it's a funny fake. To absolve victims of sin would be very stupid and completely out of step with JPII's character.

Phew. Kay, wasn't sure - I'm not a regular reader of The Onion.

Reminds me of this other article The Onion did:
Pedophile Less Interested The More He Views 13-Year-Old's MySpace Profile

March 17, 2006 | Issue 42•12

LONGVIEW, TX—Area pedophile Dwight Sanderson said Monday that his interest in getting to know and eventually meeting MySpace.com member "Courtneee" has significantly declined after a closer read of the "lame" hobbies and "self-involved" blog entries on the 13-year-old's profile.

According to Sanderson, 47, Courtneee's picture caught his eye while he was searching the Judson Middle School MySpace community and found her "Gemini_diva" page.

"At first, she seemed like my type of girl—innocent-looking, single, and, best of all, she lives right nearby," he said.

Sanderson continued: "Her profile seemed very enticing at first. She plays softball in the same park that I always hang around in. But right before I was going to leave her a private message, I decided to check out her latest blog post."

He said the 1,500-word entry "droned on and on" about everything from dealing with her great-grandmother's death last year to hopes for her new job as class treasurer.

"I'm looking for a cell-phone number and a home address, not your life story," he said.

Though admittedly discouraged, Sanderson, who classifies himself as "not very picky," said he still hoped that Courtneee could play a small, fleeting part in his future.

"I'm an optimist, even though I've been burned by girls like Courtneee in the past. You think you know everything about them—their dark secrets, their heroes, their class schedule—but they end up betraying your confidence and talking about your relationship behind your back to any authority figure who'll listen," Sanderson said.

Sanderson pointed out several other "red flags" in Courtneee's profile, including "pathetic, almost obsessive" blog entries about her ex-crush, the fact that her "Interests and Personality" section mentions that she might want to have children someday, and her terrible taste in movies.

"I'm used to getting involved with younger, less mature women, but she's got the sense of humor of an 8-year-old," Sanderson said. "I can't bring myself to pretend to like 50 First Dates, even to establish a base of shared interests, build rapport, and eventually earn her complete trust."

"Also, one of her friends left a recent comment accusing her of being a 'big-mouth who likes to spread rumors,'" Sanderson added. "I can't tell you how big a turnoff that is for me."

According to Sanderson, the most discouraging revelation came when he viewed Courtneee's "More Pics" section, in which she reportedly looks "way older" than she does in her featured front-page photo.

"When I saw the other pictures, I was like, 'How old is this girl, 15?'" Sanderson said. "In these pictures, she had braces, acne, noticeable breasts—nothing like the baby-faced little girl she appeared to be on her main page. She probably hasn't updated that picture in a year and a half."

Though he made a legally binding promise to himself and law-enforcement officials that he would never pursue another relationship like this, Sanderson says he nonetheless plans to "give it a shot."

"Internet dating can be risky," he said, "but at my age, and their age, it's really the only way."
linky (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46453)

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, THE ONION IS, WAS, AND EVER SHALL BE...wait for it...
POLITICAL ****ING SATIRE!

Sorry for the yelling, but this is by far not the first time someone -- and I'm talking politicians, even -- has taken or tried to take The Onion at its word. Enough already. Read the whole paper and use some damn judgment, people!

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, THE ONION IS, WAS, AND EVER SHALL BE...wait for it...
POLITICAL ****ING SATIRE!

Sorry for the yelling, but this is by far not the first time someone -- and I'm talking politicians, even -- has taken or tried to take The Onion at its word. Enough already. Read the whole paper and use some damn judgment, people!

I read the article. I don't read the paper on a regular basis, but I'd heard in the past that it was a joke paper - I wasn't sure to what extent, through Daily Show-type jokes or just plain lies.

There's really nothing in the article itself to suggest that it's a joke any more than any other article would have - I suppose that's part of why it's funny.

One of my favourite articles:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40086

LONDON—Findings released Monday by Britain's Home Office indicate that politeness among Londoners has dipped 2 percent since the July public-transit bombings. "Terrorist bombers? Well, I say—good day to them—a tip of my hat to them, indeed, and may they take their leave of our green and pleasant land," said Andrew Capper of Surbiton. "Far be it from me to pass judgment, as I've never met the chaps myself—and goodness knows I'm not without error—but I should think that a few of these terrorists have behaved in a manner that can only be described as rather less than gentlemanly, if I do say so myself, may it please you, good sir." The Home Office cites post-traumatic stress in the sharp decline in manners, the worst since the 4 percent drop during the Blitz of 1940.

I read the article. I don't read the paper on a regular basis, but I'd heard in the past that it was a joke paper - I wasn't sure to what extent, through Daily Show-type jokes or just plain lies.

There's really nothing in the article itself to suggest that it's a joke any more than any other article would have - I suppose that's part of why it's funny.
Uh...the Pope, especially JPII, "forgiving" the victims of priest pedophilia doesn't suggest satire? Wow. I mean, just...wow.

I meant to read the whole paper, not just the article, in order to assess the context of the article itself.

"That is why, despite the terrible wrongs they have committed, the church must move on and forgive these children for their misdeeds."

Enjoy purgatory Mr. Pope man.

Enjoy purgatory Mr. Pope man.
One more time, for those who don't read the thread, let me bump the "it was satire" idea.

My personal favourite: (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48199)

The Onion



New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus AliveMay 10, 2006 | Issue 42•19

NEW YORK—Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a "safe and effective method" for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed.

Pfizer, manufacturer of UR-86—dubbed the "last-morning-ever pill"—said the drug is intended only for occasions when the mind-set or politics of the mother threaten the life of the fetus.

"This drug is designed for extreme cases in which the mother cannot or should not be saved, or when her health has been placed before that of her unborn child," Pfizer spokesman Anthony Wright said.

The orally ingested drug first tests for the presence of a fetus. If the outcome is positive, a near-lethal dose of barbiturates is released, which induces a coma in the expectant mother until the child is born, at which point a second, fatal dose is released.

The FDA's approval came after months of clinical trials firmly established that the fetus would be nourished and protected in the womb of the near-deceased UR-86 user.

Gender-equality advocates praised the introduction of the drug, calling it an "innovative solution" to the highly polarizing national abortion debate.

"This is a step forward for equality," men's rights activist Charles Hackett said. "For too long, women have had an unfair advantage in the outcome of a pregnancy. UR-86 levels the playing field for husbands and boyfriends across America."

Pro-life advocates, many of whom had petitioned the FDA to approve UR-86 while the drug was still in the research-and-development stage, also reacted warmly to the FDA's decision. Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue, praised the new pharmaceutical for its potential use in cases of rape and incest, saying it could help end the shame and humiliation of such trauma while saving the life of the fetus.

"Victims of sexual assault can feel trapped, like they've got nowhere to turn," Terry said. "Now, they can solve their deep, internal problems once and for all, without unfairly condemning their children."

Yet critics say UR-86's prescription-only status and the fact that most health insurance plans do not cover the drug limit its effectiveness, as it is not available to those who need it most.

"If people can't afford the drug or get it prescribed on short notice, they're not going to have enough time to act, especially when their wives want to end the pregnancy fast," men's issues commentator Stan Dynes said. "UR-86 should be made available over the counter as soon as possible. It's the husband's right to choose if this drug is right for him, and neither the government nor the medical elite should get in the way of that decision."

Pfizer trials showed that UR-86 can do nothing for the fetus if an abortion procedure is performed. "If the mother is administered the pill the morning after an abortion, the fetus cannot be revived because it won't be there," Pfizer's Wright said. "It will still terminate the mother, though."

Conversely, some lawmakers are uneasy with the concept of ready access to the anti-abortion pill.

Tuesday night, South Dakota legislators introduced a bill to impose a five-day waiting period for teenage girls and women before they can buy the pill, claiming its use does not adequately safeguard the lifestyle of the father, the laundry of the father, or the favorite meals of the father. The legislators cited Pfizer's own published list of side effects of UR-86, which include domestic messiness, already-born-child neglect, and inadequate stocking of the fridge.

Still, Pfizer anticipates not only that the drug will be popular with husbands, but also that, once available over the counter, UR-86 will likely find a large consumer base in mothers

The sad thing is some people would like the idea. :(

Hey, this is scarily predictive:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29164

Terrorist Bomb Not Defused In Thrilling, Suspense-Packed Final Minutes

December 1, 1999 | Issue 35•44

LONDON—An action-packed chase through the subway tunnels beneath London's famed Victoria Station, culminating in a climactic, pulse-pounding fight sequence atop a speeding double-decker bus, did not occur Monday, when a terrorist bomb exploded on a crowded downtown bus after not being defused at the very last moment.

The bombing, which killed 22 and seriously injured at least 30 more, ranks among the worst incidents of terrorism to hit London in years and was not presented in THX digital Surroundsound.

"That's it, scum—now it's time to take out the trash," a grim-faced CIA agent, who had been working closely with a team of Britain's top anti-terrorism experts, did not say moments before defeating the leader of a mysterious terrorist organization in a deadly, desperate encounter atop the speeding bus.

"It was horrible, just horrible," said a visibly shaken Edith Nesbitt, 38, a London homemaker whose 12-year-old daughter Annalee was badly injured in the explosion. "Everywhere you turned, there was smoke and death. So much senseless pain and suffering. How could anybody do something like this?"

Annalee is currently listed in critical condition at a local hospital after not being pulled out of harm's way by a man who lost his own family to a terrorist attack years before and swore never to let another child suffer again, no matter what the cost.

London police officials do not yet know whether the deadly attack—which was not accompanied by selections from today's hottest acts, including hits by The Chemical Brothers, Foo Fighters and Method Man—was the work of a militant faction of the IRA, Palestinian extremists, or an individual not affiliated with a terrorist organization. However, evil criminal masterminds bent on destroying the world from their top-secret, high-tech undersea headquarters have been "definitely ruled out" as suspects.

In addition, no psychopathic former FBI demolitions experts who went insane after the deaths of their wives, which to this day they blame on the government agents who originally trained them to be killers, have stepped forward to claim responsibility for the tragedy. And no streamlined black helicopters, dangling rope ladders from which trained SWAT teams dropped onto the bus at high speeds, arrived on the scene just in time to freeze the bomb's homemade timer casing with liquid nitrogen, saving the lives of the dozens of innocent people on board.


"Out of nowhere, nobody suddenly leapt onto the bus from the roof of a nearby building, tackling the foul villain behind this unthinkable act," said shopkeeper Thomas Kent, who lost most of his right arm in the blast. "Then, after stopping the mad bomber's plan, nobody got the girl, grabbing her roughly about the waist and kissing her slightly smudged face as the credits rolled."

Added Kent: "The doctors say my wife may not survive the night."

Though top Scotland Yard officials have assigned a special team to investigate the crime, they currently have no leads regarding the identity of the culprits or a possible motive. The officials also have not surprised any onlookers by swimming alive to the surface of the Thames River after driving any speeding sportscars into the river in slow motion, momentarily causing people to think they'd been killed before emerging unharmed.

"We are slowly sifting through the forensic evidence, but it is still far too early to draw any definitive conclusions about this bombing," Scotland Yard spokesman Winston Crawford told reporters at a Monday press conference, not held in a room in which any special supercomputer swivels out from behind a giant antique bookcase. "At this point, all we really know is that none of us have recently slept with any stunning, exotic-looking foreign women who may or may not be working for the Russians, and that there may be as many as a dozen more bodies still underneath the rubble that rescue workers have yet to locate and identify."

When asked if police have come across any secret satellite photos, coded messages, or double-dealing informants who have revealed a way to track the deadly bombers to their lair, surround them with an elite assault team, and somehow, against all odds, stop them before they kill again, Crawford replied, "No."

Look at the date of the article, and the number of dead...