NationStates Jolt Archive

For those of you who don't know, I'm a practicing Catholic, and this affords me a unique opportunity to find new and wonderful priest jokes. The best priest jokes I've heard were told by priests I know. Sadly, there are a lot of priest jokes that are offensive or unsuitable for this forum, so just share the ones that don't break any rules here. Hopefully someone here has one I haven't heard before.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a practicing Catholic, and this affords me a unique opportunity to find new and wonderful priest jokes. The best priest jokes I've heard were told by priests I know. Sadly, there are a lot of priest jokes that are offensive or unsuitable for this forum, so just share the ones that don't break any rules here. Hopefully someone here has one I haven't heard before.

Oh come now, they can't be that bad.

Oh come now, they can't be that bad.

Whether you think they are or not depends on how jaded you are, I suppose. *shrug*

Whether you think they are or not depends on how jaded you are, I suppose. *shrug*

Well, i'll break the ice with a dead baby joke.

Q) What's better than six dead babies in one bin?

A)One dead baby in six bins.

See, now nothing will look bad after that. :)

An oldie:
Q: Why was the priest not allowed to date the nun ?
A: They feared he would get into the habit.

So, a priest is praying one night, confessing to God that he has a terrible urge to sleep with women...suddenly, in a flash of light, God appears...

GOD: My son, I have heard thy anguish...what is your difficulty?

Priest: Well...I see these women and I really want to have sex with women.

GOD: Go on, my child.

Priest: But I can't, because I'm a priest.

GOD: I see.

Priest: Heavenly Father, what should I do?

GOD: Stop wearing your collar when you go out?

An oldie:
Q: Why was the priest not allowed to date the nun ?
A: They feared he would get into the habit.

:D I love that one. Thanks for posting it.

A preist a rabbi Hillary Clinton George Bush and a gay man walked into a bar.

The bartender said "What is this some kind of joke?"

A kid his little red wagon. He's loaded it up with loads of heavy stuff, so he's puffing and huffing trying to get it up a hill. He shouts, "god damn, this thing is so heavy."

A priest on the other side of the road hears him, and says, "you shouldn't swear. God can hear you, he's everywhere."

The kid ponders this for a minute, then asks "is he here, now?"

The priest replies, "yes," so the kid says, "well tell the fucker to start pushing."

So, a priest is praying one night, confessing to God that he has a terrible urge to sleep with women...suddenly, in a flash of light, God appears...

GOD: My son, I have heard thy anguish...what is your difficulty?

Priest: Well...I see these women and I really want to have sex with women.

GOD: Go on, my child.

Priest: But I can't, because I'm a priest.

GOD: I see.

Priest: Heavenly Father, what should I do?

GOD: Stop wearing your collar when you go out?

That's a good one too. Heard it a while ago from a priest friend of mine.

A kid his little red wagon. He's loaded it up with loads of heavy stuff, so he's puffing and huffing trying to get it up a hill. He shouts, "god damn, this thing is so heavy."

A priest on the other side of the road hears him, and says, "you shouldn't swear. God can hear you, he's everywhere."

The kid ponders this for a minute, then asks "is he here, now?"

The priest replies, "yes," so the kid says, "well tell the fucker to start pushing."

Hee, that's a good one.

Reminds me of what this old prof from Eastern Europe used to say:

"If God listened to every man's prayer, all our women would be dead and our sheep would be in Hell".

I don't get it completely, but thats what he said.

A woman living in a Jewish community is distraught; her son has come of age, yet he refuses to choose a life career. She goes to her rabbi for counsel...

"Before your son comes home tonight, lay out a bottle of wine, a bag of gold, and a scroll of the Torah," he said. "If he takes the bag of gold, then he shall be a merchant, and a friend of mine shall apprentice him, and teach him the ways of bargaining. If he takes the Torah, then he shall become a rabbi, and I myself will teach him."

"What if he takes the bottle of wine?" asks the concerned mother.

"We'll worry about that if it comes to it," is the rabbi's response.

So the mother does as she's told; she goes home and lays out the prescribed items... When her son arrives home, he sees the items laid out for him. He picks up the Torah, and kisses it reverently... Then he picks up the bag of gold and pockets it. Finally, he uncorks the bottle of wine and walks away drinking it.

The mother is now VERY confused, and goes to the rabbi to tell him what has happened...

"Oy vey," the rabbi sighs. "I have very bad news for you. Your son is going to be a Catholic priest!"

***

Alright, before anyone gripes about me hating on Jews or Catholics, this joke was told to me by a Catholic priest, and it really doesn't say anything negative about Jewish folks... I just thought I'd share. Religious jokes happen to be among my favorites. XD

A kid his little red wagon. He's loaded it up with loads of heavy stuff, so he's puffing and huffing trying to get it up a hill. He shouts, "god damn, this thing is so heavy."

A priest on the other side of the road hears him, and says, "you shouldn't swear. God can hear you, he's everywhere."

The kid ponders this for a minute, then asks "is he here, now?"

The priest replies, "yes," so the kid says, "well tell the fucker to start pushing."

I like. :D

A woman living in a Jewish community is distraught; her son has come of age, yet he refuses to choose a life career. She goes to her rabbi for counsel...

"Before your son comes home tonight, lay out a bottle of wine, a bag of gold, and a scroll of the Torah," he said. "If he takes the bag of gold, then he shall be a merchant, and a friend of mine shall apprentice him, and teach him the ways of bargaining. If he takes the Torah, then he shall become a rabbi, and I myself will teach him."

"What if he takes the bottle of wine?" asks the concerned mother.

"We'll worry about that if it comes to it," is the rabbi's response.

So the mother does as she's told; she goes home and lays out the prescribed items... When her son arrives home, he sees the items laid out for him. He picks up the Torah, and kisses it reverently... Then he picks up the bag of gold and pockets it. Finally, he uncorks the bottle of wine and walks away drinking it.

The mother is now VERY confused, and goes to the rabbi to tell him what has happened...

"Oy vey," the rabbi sighs. "I have very bad news for you. Your son is going to be a Catholic priest!"

***

Alright, before anyone gripes about me hating on Jews or Catholics, this joke was told to me by a Catholic priest, and it really doesn't say anything negative about Jewish folks... I just thought I'd share. Religious jokes happen to be among my favorites. XD

OK, that's even better.

Thread win! On your first post, no less. :D

A woman living in a Jewish community is distraught; her son has come of age, yet he refuses to choose a life career. She goes to her rabbi for counsel...

"Before your son comes home tonight, lay out a bottle of wine, a bag of gold, and a scroll of the Torah," he said. "If he takes the bag of gold, then he shall be a merchant, and a friend of mine shall apprentice him, and teach him the ways of bargaining. If he takes the Torah, then he shall become a rabbi, and I myself will teach him."

"What if he takes the bottle of wine?" asks the concerned mother.

"We'll worry about that if it comes to it," is the rabbi's response.

So the mother does as she's told; she goes home and lays out the prescribed items... When her son arrives home, he sees the items laid out for him. He picks up the Torah, and kisses it reverently... Then he picks up the bag of gold and pockets it. Finally, he uncorks the bottle of wine and walks away drinking it.

The mother is now VERY confused, and goes to the rabbi to tell him what has happened...

"Oy vey," the rabbi sighs. "I have very bad news for you. Your son is going to be a Catholic priest!"

***

Alright, before anyone gripes about me hating on Jews or Catholics, this joke was told to me by a Catholic priest, and it really doesn't say anything negative about Jewish folks... I just thought I'd share. Religious jokes happen to be among my favorites. XD

Aahahahahahahahahahahaha! :D

That...is...well it's definitely my favorite.

Im guessing preist pedophile jokes are too much for here.

Alright, before anyone gripes about me hating on Jews or Catholics, this joke was told to me by a Catholic priest, and it really doesn't say anything negative about Jewish folks... I just thought I'd share. Religious jokes happen to be among my favorites. XD

I don't think yours was any more anti-semitic/catholic than this one:

A devout Jewish man has a son, and works hard to raise the boy as a good Jew. But one day, the son comes to his father, and says he wants to be a christian.

So the man goes to his best friend, another faithful Jew, and explains his problem. His friend says "Funny you should come to me. I also have a son, I also raised him to be a Jew, and he came to me, wanting to be a Christian. So I went to my rabbi."

"And what did he say?"

"He said "Funny you should come to me...I also have a son, I wanted him to be a jew, and now he's a christian"...so I asked the rabbi what he did, and the rabbi said he asked God what to do."

"What did God say?"

"He said "Funny you should come to me...""

Im guessing preist pedophile jokes are too much for here.

Alright, before anyone gripes about me hating on Jews or Catholics, this joke was told to me by a Catholic priest, and it really doesn't say anything negative about Jewish folks... I just thought I'd share. Religious jokes happen to be among my favorites. XD

I don't think yours was any more anti-semitic/catholic than this one:

A devout Jewish man has a son, and works hard to raise the boy as a good Jew. But one day, the son comes to his father, and says he wants to be a christian.

So the man goes to his best friend, another faithful Jew, and explains his problem. His friend says "Funny you should come to me. I also have a son, I also raised him to be a Jew, and he came to me, wanting to be a Christian. So I went to my rabbi."

"And what did he say?"

"He said "Funny you should come to me...I also have a son, I wanted him to be a jew, and now he's a christian"...so I asked the rabbi what he did, and the rabbi said he asked God what to do."

"What did God say?"

"He said "Funny you should come to me...""

Heh, I win? What'd I win? A cookie? A gold star? XD

***

A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are stuck on a train ride together. For a good deal of the trip, they sit in uncomfortable silence. Finally, the priest decides to extend a hand of friendship, of sorts.

"So," he says with a smile. "I understand your religion doesn't allow you to eat pork..."

"That's right," says the rabbi with a slight smile.

Again, the silence hangs over the train car, and, unable to cope with the discomfort of the silence, the priest opts for a different kind of discomfort. "Have you ever...tried it before?"

"As a matter of fact, I have," replied the rabbi, sitting a bit awkwardly...

Again, they ride on in silence, before the rabbi asks, "I understand *your* religion requires you to stay celibate."

Finding the tables turned, the priest shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "Yes, that's true..."

The rabbi grins. "So have you ever--"

The priest cuts him off. "Er, uh, I have a feeling I know what you're going to ask, and I'd rather you didn't ask it. ...but to answer your curiosity, yes. Yes I have."

They rode on in uncomfortable silence for a while longer, before the rabbi leans in and says with a grin, "Better than pork, ain't it?"

I don't think yours was any more anti-semitic/catholic than this one:

A devout Jewish man has a son, and works hard to raise the boy as a good Jew. But one day, the son comes to his father, and says he wants to be a christian.

So the man goes to his best friend, another faithful Jew, and explains his problem. His friend says "Funny you should come to me. I also have a son, I also raised him to be a Jew, and he came to me, wanting to be a Christian. So I went to my rabbi."

"And what did he say?"

"He said "Funny you should come to me...I also have a son, I wanted him to be a jew, and now he's a christian"...so I asked the rabbi what he did, and the rabbi said he asked God what to do."

"What did God say?"

"He said "Funny you should come to me...""


Heh, I've heard that one before. It's a great one. XD

Heh, I win? What'd I win? A cookie? A gold star? XD

***

A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are stuck on a train ride together. For a good deal of the trip, they sit in uncomfortable silence. Finally, the priest decides to extend a hand of friendship, of sorts.

"So," he says with a smile. "I understand your religion doesn't allow you to eat pork..."

"That's right," says the rabbi with a slight smile.

Again, the silence hangs over the train car, and, unable to cope with the discomfort of the silence, the priest opts for a different kind of discomfort. "Have you ever...tried it before?"

"As a matter of fact, I have," replied the rabbi, sitting a bit awkwardly...

Again, they ride on in silence, before the rabbi asks, "I understand *your* religion requires you to stay celibate."

Finding the tables turned, the priest shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "Yes, that's true..."

The rabbi grins. "So have you ever--"

The priest cuts him off. "Er, uh, I have a feeling I know what you're going to ask, and I'd rather you didn't ask it. ...but to answer your curiosity, yes. Yes I have."

They rode on in uncomfortable silence for a while longer, before the rabbi leans in and says with a grin, "Better than pork, ain't it?"

That had me laughing so hard I was crying.... :D

A priest and a rabbi are driving seperately down a street. By pure coincidence and bad luck, they get into a head on collision with each other. They both get out of their cars to assess the damage.

"It's lucky neither of us were hurt," says the priest.

"It's also lucky that this bottle of wine I had wasn't damaged either," says the rabbi.

Thinking it a strange coincidence that two men of the cloth should meet in such a fashion, they decide to share the wine. Well, the priest ends up drinking most of the bottle. Once there is precisely enough left for one more glass, he offers the rest to the rabbi.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like the rest of this?"

"No thank you," says the rabbi. "I'll just wait for the police to get here."

A priest and a rabbi are driving seperately down a street. By pure coincidence and bad luck, they get into a head on collision with each other. They both get out of their cars to assess the damage.

"It's lucky neither of us were hurt," says the priest.

"It's also lucky that this bottle of wine I had wasn't damaged either," says the rabbi.

Thinking it a strange coincidence that two men of the cloth should meet in such a fashion, they decide to share the wine. Well, the priest ends up drinking most of the bottle. Once there is precisely enough left for one more glass, he offers the rest to the rabbi.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like the rest of this?"

"No thank you," says the rabbi. "I'll just wait for the police to get here."

HAAAHAHAHA! Nice one! And one I haven't heard before! My hat off to you. XD

A priest and a rabbi are driving seperately down a street. By pure coincidence and bad luck, they get into a head on collision with each other. They both get out of their cars to assess the damage.

"It's lucky neither of us were hurt," says the priest.

"It's also lucky that this bottle of wine I had wasn't damaged either," says the rabbi.

Thinking it a strange coincidence that two men of the cloth should meet in such a fashion, they decide to share the wine. Well, the priest ends up drinking most of the bottle. Once there is precisely enough left for one more glass, he offers the rest to the rabbi.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like the rest of this?"

"No thank you," says the rabbi. "I'll just wait for the police to get here."

Hilarious!

And this is why I <3 Gael, among other things. :)

Hmmm ok a God and athiest joke...can it still count?? lol


An atheist was hiking in the woods one day. He rounds the bend and finds himself face to face with a bear poised to pounce on him. The atheist cries out "Oh GOD!" in his fright.

The world suddenly stands perfectly still, everything frozen in time, a glowing beam of light shines down from the sky and a deep benevolent voice says "my son, in your hour of need I see you called out for me, does this mean you would like to become a Christian?".

The atheist considers this and replies "you know you are exactly right, I don't believe in you and should not have called out to you, that would make me a hypocrit and would be wrong."

The atheist ponders a moment and adds "could I ask a favor though?"

God replies "yes"

The atheist asks "would you consider making the bear a Christian?"

God replies "of course"

The beam of light recedes and suddenly the bear stops his movement to pounce. He pulls both paws together and bows his head and says "thank you Lord for this food I am about to receive."

Boy oh boy, did I stumble across the right thread. I just happen to have quite a few religious jokes, and most if not ALL are actualyl appropriate for these forums. :p

Not all the ones I have are about priests, however. If you wanna hear em anyway, just lemme know. In the meantime, here is one that IS about a priest. :D



There was a certain priest who, in attempting to raise money for the church, asked his parishioners for suggestions. The consensus was that horse racing was a good bet. The good father took himself to a horse auction but he made a poor buy, this Horse turned out to be a Donkey.
However, he decided to enter the donkey in the races the following day.
The donkey came in third and the local headlines read: 'FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS'
The Archbishop read the paper and was displeased. The next day the donkey was again entered and came in first and the headlines read: 'FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT'
The Archbishop was up in arms, but father Murphy had already entered the donkey for the third time and this time it came in third. Now the headlines read: 'FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE'
The Archbishop considered this too much and forbade the donkey to be entered in any future race. This inspired the editor to write the following headline: "ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS'
When the Archbishop read this he ordered father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. Unable to sell the animal, father Murphy gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now the headlines read 'NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN'
When the Archbishop read this he immediately ordered the Sister to get rid of the animal. She sold the donkey for $10.00. The next day the headlines read 'SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR $10.00'
They buried the Archbishop three days later.

Boy oh boy, did I stumble across the right thread. I just happen to have quite a few religious jokes, and most if not ALL are actualyl appropriate for these forums. :p

Not all the ones I have are about priests, however. If you wanna hear em anyway, just lemme know. In the meantime, here is one that IS about a priest. :D



There was a certain priest who, in attempting to raise money for the church, asked his parishioners for suggestions. The consensus was that horse racing was a good bet. The good father took himself to a horse auction but he made a poor buy, this Horse turned out to be a Donkey.
However, he decided to enter the donkey in the races the following day.
The donkey came in third and the local headlines read: 'FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS'
The Archbishop read the paper and was displeased. The next day the donkey was again entered and came in first and the headlines read: 'FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT'
The Archbishop was up in arms, but father Murphy had already entered the donkey for the third time and this time it came in third. Now the headlines read: 'FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE'
The Archbishop considered this too much and forbade the donkey to be entered in any future race. This inspired the editor to write the following headline: "ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS'
When the Archbishop read this he ordered father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. Unable to sell the animal, father Murphy gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now the headlines read 'NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN'
When the Archbishop read this he immediately ordered the Sister to get rid of the animal. She sold the donkey for $10.00. The next day the headlines read 'SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR $10.00'
They buried the Archbishop three days later.

Oh. My God. I almost feel out of my chair after that one. :D

Oh. My God. I almost feel out of my chair after that one. :D

Oh, I've got more. :p


Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the music director and the pastor get into it, stand back.
One week the pastor preached on commitment and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The choir selected "I Shall Not Be Moved " as the final hymn.
Next week the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir selected "Jesus Paid It All " as the final hymn.
Next week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The choir selected "I Love To Tell The Story" as the final hymn.
Next week the pastor, being disgusted over the situation, told the congregation that he was considering resignation. The choir selected "Why Not Tonight " as the final hymn.
Then the pastor resigned the next week and told the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was now leading him away. The choir selected "What A Friend We Have In Jesus " as the final hymn...

Unfortunately, my two favorite jokes (one of which I KNOW I'm gonna get struck by lightning for, one of these days) are really hard to do in text... One of them (the one I'm gonna get struck down for) involves hand actions as part of the joke, and the other one involves writing in a cockne (spelling?) and an Irish accent...

Depending on how you tell it, this one could be a joke or a modern-day parable. Either way, the humor and the lesson are inherent...

***

With the residential section of a town are flooding, a priest finds himself on the roof of his home. As the waters rise, a man in a rowboat comes by, and calls out, "Father, jump into the boat and I'll take you to safety!"

"No, no my son. I'm a man of God, and God will save me," he says. "Go and save some other poor soul who needs saving..." So, the rowboater goes to do just that.

After a while, the flood becomes too dangerous for rowboats, and another man in a motorboat comes by, and again calls out to the priest to jump in, and be taken to safety...and again, the priest replies, "I am a man of God, and God will save me. There are still others who need to be saved; go and save them!" So the motorboat leaves to do just that...

Finally, the waters are coming over the edges of peoples' rooftops, and helicopters are dispatched to rescue the stragglers, and the people who couldn't be rescued by boat. One of the helicopters drops a rope ladder for the priest, and tells him to climb in...and yet again, the priest replies, "There're still others who need to be saved! Don't worry about me, for God will save me!" So the helicopter, too, leaves...

...and not long after that, the floodwaters overcome the priest's house. He is swept away, drowns, and his soul ascends into Heaven... When he meets God there, he frowns accusingly. "I've spent my whole life serving you, Lord. Why didn't you save me when I needed it?"

God raised an eyebrow. "I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and a helicopter! What, exactly, were you waiting for?"

Unfortunately, my two favorite jokes (one of which I KNOW I'm gonna get struck by lightning for, one of these days) are really hard to do in text... One of them (the one I'm gonna get struck down for) involves hand actions as part of the joke, and the other one involves writing in a cockne (spelling?) and an Irish accent...

Depending on how you tell it, this one could be a joke or a modern-day parable. Either way, the humor and the lesson are inherent...

***

With the residential section of a town are flooding, a priest finds himself on the roof of his home. As the waters rise, a man in a rowboat comes by, and calls out, "Father, jump into the boat and I'll take you to safety!"

"No, no my son. I'm a man of God, and God will save me," he says. "Go and save some other poor soul who needs saving..." So, the rowboater goes to do just that.

After a while, the flood becomes too dangerous for rowboats, and another man in a motorboat comes by, and again calls out to the priest to jump in, and be taken to safety...and again, the priest replies, "I am a man of God, and God will save me. There are still others who need to be saved; go and save them!" So the motorboat leaves to do just that...

Finally, the waters are coming over the edges of peoples' rooftops, and helicopters are dispatched to rescue the stragglers, and the people who couldn't be rescued by boat. One of the helicopters drops a rope ladder for the priest, and tells him to climb in...and yet again, the priest replies, "There're still others who need to be saved! Don't worry about me, for God will save me!" So the helicopter, too, leaves...

...and not long after that, the floodwaters overcome the priest's house. He is swept away, drowns, and his soul ascends into Heaven... When he meets God there, he frowns accusingly. "I've spent my whole life serving you, Lord. Why didn't you save me when I needed it?"

God raised an eyebrow. "I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and a helicopter! What, exactly, were you waiting for?"

That's a classic! Heard that one from a priest too.

Jesus walks into a hotel and throws a handful of nails onto the counter and says:

"Put me up for the night..."

So, does anyone here just want to hear the religiously-related ones I've got stashed away here, or is it going to remain just priest jokes? Cause some of the other ones I've got are pretty funny, and I want to share em! :p

So, does anyone here just want to hear the religiously-related ones I've got stashed away here, or is it going to remain just priest jokes? Cause some of the other ones I've got are pretty funny, and I want to share em! :p

By all means, share!

Okay then! Here I go! :)



--------Bulletin board screw ups:
-Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

-The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

-Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."


-------A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."


-------A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," Mom replied. Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"


-------These were all written by kids:
-Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
-When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
-Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.


-------There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.


-------A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"


--------An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"



There we go! Those are all my religiously related ones! Now, if another thread were to start on, say, airplanes and/or other miscellaneous topics, well, I'd be writing the entire thing myself! :D

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

I've heard most of these before. But this one is just great. :D

I only know one priest joke, and it is pretty lame compared to some of the others in this thread that I'm still giggling over. Anyway here goes..

Q: What does a catholic priest and a christmas tree have in common?

A: They both have balls, but they're only for decoration.

Heh, those are pretty good! I've got a couple, myself...

***

The Pope dies and ascends into Heaven...or rather, into the line to get into Heaven. St. Michael assures him, "I'm so sorry for the wait, but we're getting rather overrun, here... If you'd like, we can just hold your place in line. We have a very fine library with a copy of the original Bible for you to read..."

The Pope agrees that this is a very fine idea, and he goes to read it.

Some time later, everyone is shaken to hear a bloodcurdling scream from the library... Everyone rushes in and asks the Pope what is wrong. Pointing at the Bible, he screams, "It says 'CELEBRATE', not 'CELIBATE'!!!"

***

A man storms into a church, and demands of the altar, "WHY did you make women so attractive?"

A voice answers, "So you'd be attracted to them."

Shocked, the man proceeds to ask, "So why'd you make them so stupid at the same time?"

"So THEY'D be attracted to YOU."

***

(And, just to make it equal male- and female-bashing...)

Adam, while playing with the animals, went to God one day, and said, "God, your Creation is wonderful and all, but I'm finding myself lonely... I want to have a mate, like all the other animals."

"Oh! Well, I can make you the perfect mate! She'll be interested in everything you're interested in, will love you for your whole life, and will satisfy you in every way, shape, and form it's possible for you to be satisfied. ...buuuuuut it's gonna cost ya."

Adam's jaw drops. "Really? Well, it sounds wonderful! What'll it cost me?"

"An arm and a leg."

"Oh," says Adam, dismayed. "Well, I rather like my arms and legs... What can I get for a spare rib or two?"

I only know one priest joke, and it is pretty lame compared to some of the others in this thread that I'm still giggling over. Anyway here goes..

Q: What does a catholic priest and a christmas tree have in common?

A: They both have balls, but they're only for decoration.

:eek:

:D

That was great!

The Pope dies and ascends into Heaven...or rather, into the line to get into Heaven. St. Michael assures him, "I'm so sorry for the wait, but we're getting rather overrun, here... If you'd like, we can just hold your place in line. We have a very fine library with a copy of the original Bible for you to read..."

The Pope agrees that this is a very fine idea, and he goes to read it.

Some time later, everyone is shaken to hear a bloodcurdling scream from the library... Everyone rushes in and asks the Pope what is wrong. Pointing at the Bible, he screams, "It says 'CELEBRATE', not 'CELIBATE'!!!"


Oh my...I'll bet the Pope wants another shot at life now, huh? :D

A woman is having an affair. One day, the husband comes home from work early. Quick as flash, the woman pushes her lover into the wardrobe.
While in the wardrobe, the guy hears a boy say, "Sure is dark in here, ain't it?"
Surprised and more than a little worried he replies, "uhh..yeh"
The boy says, "My daddy keeps a loaded gun in his top side drawer. You want I should hollar and get him up here?"
The guy stammers, "ah..n-n-n-no. That's o-o-ok. How about you and me come to an arrangement?"
The boy's quiet for a while then says, "Well, everyone's been playing this new computer game but I can't afford it. It's only $50"
The guy pays up and the boy quietly leaves.

A week later, the wife and his lover are at again. Again the husband comes home early and again the lover is hurried into the wardrobe.
And again he hears a voice say, "Sure is dark in here, ain't it?"
"What do you want this time?"
"Well, I've been really wanting new sports shoes and they're having a sale on the moment - only $100"
The guy pays up and again, the boy leaves quietly.

A couple of days later, the mother notices her son has new shoes and is playing a new game. She asks where he got the money from but he won't tell her. After several hours arguing, she gives up and drags him down to the church.
"Right! If you won't tell your mother where you got the money from for these things, you better tell God!" And with that shoves him into the confessional.
The boy's sitting in there, blinking in the blackness and says,
"Sure is dark in here, ain't it"
To which the Priest replies,
"Do you start that shit AGAIN!"

A woman is having an affair. One day, the husband comes home from work early. Quick as flash, the woman pushes her lover into the wardrobe.
While in the wardrobe, the guy hears a boy say, "Sure is dark in here, ain't it?"
Surprised and more than a little worried he replies, "uhh..yeh"
The boy says, "My daddy keeps a loaded gun in his top side drawer. You want I should hollar and get him up here?"
The guy stammers, "ah..n-n-n-no. That's o-o-ok. How about you and me come to an arrangement?"
The boy's quiet for a while then says, "Well, everyone's been playing this new computer game but I can't afford it. It's only $50"
The guy pays up and the boy quietly leaves.

A week later, the wife and his lover are at again. Again the husband comes home early and again the lover is hurried into the wardrobe.
And again he hears a voice say, "Sure is dark in here, ain't it?"
"What do you want this time?"
"Well, I've been really wanting new sports shoes and they're having a sale on the moment - only $100"
The guy pays up and again, the boy leaves quietly.

A couple of days later, the mother notices her son has new shoes and is playing a new game. She asks where he got the money from but he won't tell her. After several hours arguing, she gives up and drags him down to the church.
"Right! If you won't tell your mother where you got the money from for these things, you better tell God!" And with that shoves him into the confessional.
The boy's sitting in there, blinking in the blackness and says,
"Sure is dark in here, ain't it"
To which the Priest replies,
"Do you start that shit AGAIN!"

Ah...another old favorite. :)

I loved all of these..some of these..most of these jokes were great!!
I have a couple, however it can't conpear to all of these:

------

Bill Clitton and the pope die on the same day; however there is a mistake with the paper work and the pope goes down to hell and Bill goes to heaven. When God realizes this, the next day he orders Bill and the pope to switch places. While the pope is on his way up to heaven and Bill is on his way to hell the two pass one another and the pope says, "I just can't wait to meet the virgin Mary."
To which Bill replies, "Well, you're about a day late."

---------

Hillary Clitton dies and goes up to heaven where she runs in to St. Peter.
"What is with all the clocks behind you?"
Peter says, "Everytime someone lies a hand on the clock moves."
After a moment Hillary thought, "I'm just curious but, where is my husband's clock?"
"Oh that," Peter replied, "God keeps that in his office and uses it for a fan."

I just remembered this joke:

-----

One day god came down to Adam and said, "Adam, it's time for you to populate the earth so I want you to go and kiss Eve."
"God," Adam asked, "What's a kiss?"
God explained what a kiss was and Adam went behind a bush with Eve and a few minutes he came out smiling, "God, that was enjoyable."
"Good," god said, "Now, I want you to go and touch Eve."
"What do you mean lord?"
So god explained to Adam what to do and Adam went behind the bush with Eve and he came out a few minutes later, "God, that was better than the kiss! What now?"
"Good, you've done very well Adam; now I want you to go and make love to Eve."
"What's make love lord?"
Again, god explained what making love was and Adam went behind the bush where Eve was. However, Adam came out a few seconds later, "Lord, what is a headache?"

A couple of good ole down home southern preacher jokes:

On a nice Sunday morining, the southern preacher stood in the pulpit and announced "today's sermon is about the evils of the de-e-e-mon liquor!

"Now if I had all the liquor in that liquor stor over thaere" he said, pointing to the shop down the street, "I'd take it and throw it in the river.

"And brothers and sisters, if I had all the liquor in this here town, do you know what I'd do with it? That's right! I'd throw it in the river!

"And friends, if I had all the liquor in this STATE! That's right! In this STATE! I'd throw it in the river! That's right brothers and sisters in that there river.

"And brothers and sisters, if I had ALL THE LIQUOR in this here country - that's a lot of liquor, I tell you what - I'd throw it in the river! That's right!

"Friends we'll be ending today's service with hymn #723 - "Shall We Gather at the River"...."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Sunday morning in fall, before services, the preacher decided to go hunting. On his way home, after bagging a nice bunch of squirrels, he runs into a bear. The bear chases him up a tree, and the preacher starts praying for deliverance. When the bear starts climbing the tree, the preacher climbs out on a limb over-hanging the river, and starts praying harder. The bear then follows him out on the branch, which breaks. They tumble into the river.

The bear and the preacher are struggling in the river, when finally the preacher calls out to God. "Lord, if you ain't gonna help me, could you at least help this bear?"

The stuggle continued, with both being dunked under the surface several times. Finally, they were separated in the current and came to rest on opposite banks of the river.

The preacher looks up, and says "Lord I know you done a lot of great miracles, but I surley do thank you for your help in baptising that bear!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A great classic:

The new minister in town is invited to go fishing with the local priest and Rabbi on a Moday morning.

The three are sitting in the boat, when the Rabbi stands up, and says "I forgot my favorite lure. I'll be right back." He steps out of the boat, walks accross the water, gets the lure, and returns. The minister is quite upset, but says nothing.

A few hours later, the priest says "Oops! I forgot my lunch. I'll be right back!" He steps out of the boat walks accross the water, and brings back a bottle of wine. The minister is really upset now, but still says nothing, thinking furiously about what he should do.

Finally, he stands and says "I have a nice bottle of wine back in the car. Let me go get it." He steps out of the boat and sinks straight down.

The Rabbi and priest pull him back into the boat and say "Sorry, friend, we forgot to tell you where the stepping stones are!"

A priest and a rabbi are involved in a head-on collision.
Amazingly both stagger out of their respective vehicles unscathered.
They look at each other's lack of injuries.
The priest says,"God be praised! It's a miracle!"
The rabbi agrees, "God be praised indeed". He then looks in his car and pulls out a bottle of wine. "God be praised! Even this bottle of wine is unscathered! Surely it is a sign from Him that we should put aside our religious differences and join together in a toast to God and His merciful ways!"
With that, the rabbi uncorks the bottle and passes it to the priest
The priest readily agrees and takes a large swig from the bottle. He profers it back to the rabbi, who declines.
The priest is naturally confused, "What's wrong? Won't you take a drink to thank our Lord for his mercy?"
The rabbi smiles, "Oh, I will. I will. I'd just prefer to do it after the police have arrived."

OK, this isn't a priest joke, but the one about the Jewish boy becoming a priest brought it to mind.


A Jewish couple was distraught. They were spending a lot of money to send their son to a Jewish private school, and all they got was bad reports. He was failing all his classes, mouthing off to the Rabbi, getting fights. Eventually, he got expelled. So his parents put him into public school. Same thing. Failing grades, disrespect to the teachers, getting in fights, and he got expelled. Finally, in desparation they put him in a Cathoilc school. He got straight As, and all the nuns remarked at what a nice, respectful boy he was. His parents adked him "Why could you behave here, but not at the other schools?"

He replied, "Well, when I got there and saw that guy hanging on a cross, I knew they meant business."

OK, this isn't a priest joke, but the one about the Jewish boy becoming a priest brought it to mind.


A Jewish couple was distraught. They were spending a lot of money to send their son to a Jewish private school, and all they got was bad reports. He was failing all his classes, mouthing off to the Rabbi, getting fights. Eventually, he got expelled. So his parents put him into public school. Same thing. Failing grades, disrespect to the teachers, getting in fights, and he got expelled. Finally, in desparation they put him in a Cathoilc school. He got straight As, and all the nuns remarked at what a nice, respectful boy he was. His parents adked him "Why could you behave here, but not at the other schools?"

He replied, "Well, when I got there and saw that guy hanging on a cross, I knew they meant business."

Haha..good one!

OK, so the preist part is at the end (my lutheran friend told me this joke since I was raised Catholic and had no clue about the differences at the time)


Two lutheren men were walking by a Catholic church one Friday night. There was siging and dancing and the smell of fried fish coming from the church hall. The sign outside the door said "Free Beer and Food for our Catholic Bretheren." Not wantig to pass up free beer, the first Lutherean looked at the second and said "I am going in, I will be out in a few minutes."

The second man waited outside for his friend to come back. After 15 min, the first man came out and said "It is awesome in the there. The beer is flowing, the food is great. All you have to do is convince them what a good Catholic you are."

The second man thought for a moment, squared his shoulders and walked in. About five minutes later, the first man heard a loud commotion and the second Lutheren was uncerominously tossed out of the hall on his ass by two rather large looking preists.

Getting up, the first litheren asked, "What the heck happened. All you had to do was convince them that you were a good Catholic. It was fool-proof."

Brushing himself off, the second man responded. "I tried. I went in there and told them that I was one of the best, most devout Catholics in the world."

"And?"

"And, well...I told them I had to be the best Catholic in the world since my father was a priest and my mother was a nun....."



Hahahahaha.......

"My father told me that "The only meat a priest could eat was "nun"""

Sorry 'bout the double post, but this one is so funny!

"What do you call it when a rabbi, a priest, and a minister hold a service together?"

"A triple pray."
Hee hee!:D

why doesn't jesus eat m&m's?
because they fall through the holes in his hands.


what do a priest and tuna fish have in common?

they both come in small cans.

sry about the pedophile joke but thats whats topical at the moment

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood and everything was going well until it came time for lent. On Friday night, when everyone was sitting down for their fish dinner, they started smelling the aroma of barbequed steak. Confused, the neighbors decided to investigate and lo and behold, there was the Protestant grilling a steak in his backyard. Needless to say, it was going to be rather irksome for the Protestant to be having steak when everyone else was having fish on Friday, so the neighborhood decided the best way to deal with the situation would be to go talk to the Protestant and convert him to being a Catholic. They were well received and after a month of visiting and extolling the virtues of Catholocism, they finally convinced him to be baptized in the Catholic religion.

They all went to the church, the Protestant went up to the priest who then baptized him, saying "You were born a Protestant, you were raised a Protestant, and now, you're a Catholic!" And there were cheers and everyone was happy and celebrating this man's conversion.

Next year, around lent, everyone was sitting around the dinner table on Friday evening when they once again smelled the aroma of barbequed steak. They looked at eachother and just figured that their ex-Protestant neighbor had just forgotten about lent, so they would go over there and remind him. So they go over to his house where he's barbequing out in the back yard and this time, he has a pitcher of water next to the grill. As they approach to talk to him, he dips his fingers in the water, sprinkles it over the steak, saying "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now, you're a fish!"

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood and everything was going well until it came time for lent. On Friday night, when everyone was sitting down for their fish dinner, they started smelling the aroma of barbequed steak. Confused, the neighbors decided to investigate and lo and behold, there was the Protestant grilling a steak in his backyard. Needless to say, it was going to be rather irksome for the Protestant to be having steak when everyone else was having fish on Friday, so the neighborhood decided the best way to deal with the situation would be to go talk to the Protestant and convert him to being a Catholic. They were well received and after a month of visiting and extolling the virtues of Catholocism, they finally convinced him to be baptized in the Catholic religion.

They all went to the church, the Protestant went up to the priest who then baptized him, saying "You were born a Protestant, you were raised a Protestant, and now, you're a Catholic!" And there were cheers and everyone was happy and celebrating this man's conversion.

Next year, around lent, everyone was sitting around the dinner table on Friday evening when they once again smelled the aroma of barbequed steak. They looked at eachother and just figured that their ex-Protestant neighbor had just forgotten about lent, so they would go over there and remind him. So they go over to his house where he's barbequing out in the back yard and this time, he has a pitcher of water next to the grill. As they approach to talk to him, he dips his fingers in the water, sprinkles it over the steak, saying "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now, you're a fish!"

Haha, that's cute!
:)

why doesn't jesus eat m&m's?
because they fall through the holes in his hands.


what do a priest and tuna fish have in common?

they both come in small cans.

sry about the pedophile joke but thats whats topical at the moment

Lol!!! That last one was funny..wrong but funny.

1. Q: What does a nun know?

A: Nun-thing!


2. Catholics get their religion from child molestors.

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "Heeeeeeeeee's Riiiiiiiiight!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So what?," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

A priest was stopped by a traffic policeman, who smells alcohol on his breath. "You've been drinking, haven't you?"
"No, officer, I haven't been drinking at all!"
The policeman points to a bottle of wine on the front seat. "What's that then?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good lord, he's done it again!"

A priest was stopped by a traffic policeman, who smells alcohol on his breath. "You've been drinking, haven't you?"
"No, officer, I haven't been drinking at all!"
The policeman points to a bottle of wine on the front seat. "What's that then?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good lord, he's done it again!"

LOL!!

I like it. Subtle, but very clever indeed.

A priest in a small town was planning a vacation, but knew that he could not leave the town without someone for confession. He asked some of the priests nearby, but none of them could take the position for him. In desperation, he asked one of his rabbi friends, who agreed. After thanking the rabbi profusely for agreeing to take up the position, he told the rabbi to come to confession for two weeks prior so that he could show how it is done. The rabbi agreed.

The rabbi listened through the first confession.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give up adultery, give five thousand dollars to charity, say fifty Hail Marys, and all will be forgiven."
"Thank you, father."
After confession was over, the priest thanked the rabbi for coming and reminded him to come again next week.

The next week, the rabbi listened through confession again. In the middle, he heard the same man come back to the priest.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give up adultery, give five thousand dollars to charity, say fifty Hail Marys, and all will be forgiven."
"Thank you, father."
After confession was over, the priest asked the rabbi if he understood how to do confession. "I think so," the rabbi replied.

The next week, when the rabbi was doing confession for the priest, he heard the same man again.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give ten thousand dollars to charity, say a hundred Hail Marys, and you'll have five more to go."

A priest in a small town was planning a vacation, but knew that he could not leave the town without someone for confession. He asked some of the priests nearby, but none of them could take the position for him. In desperation, he asked one of his rabbi friends, who agreed. After thanking the rabbi profusely for agreeing to take up the position, he told the rabbi to come to confession for two weeks prior so that he could show how it is done. The rabbi agreed.

The rabbi listened through the first confession.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give up adultery, give five thousand dollars to charity, say fifty Hail Marys, and all will be forgiven."
"Thank you, father."
After confession was over, the priest thanked the rabbi for coming and reminded him to come again next week.

The next week, the rabbi listened through confession again. In the middle, he heard the same man come back to the priest.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give up adultery, give five thousand dollars to charity, say fifty Hail Marys, and all will be forgiven."
"Thank you, father."
After confession was over, the priest asked the rabbi if he understood how to do confession. "I think so," the rabbi replied.

The next week, when the rabbi was doing confession for the priest, he heard the same man again.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give ten thousand dollars to charity, say a hundred Hail Marys, and you'll have five more to go."

:eek:

Hehe. Very nice, P&P.

I don't have a priest joke but I have a Jesus joke. Why can't Jesus eat m&m's? They keep falling through his hands.

I don't have a priest joke but I have a Jesus joke. Why can't Jesus eat m&m's? They keep falling through his hands.

That one's already been done in this thread, mate. :p

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "Heeeeeeeeee's Riiiiiiiiight!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So what?," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Holy shit, that's funny!

A taoist monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and says,

"Make me One with everything."

A taoist monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and says,

"Make me One with everything."

A classic. And it's elegant simplicity is very suitable given the subject.

A classic. And it's elegant simplicity is very suitable given the subject.

Okay, here's a better Priest joke:

Two Priest's are trapped in a dungeon by a vampire.

The older priest says "Okay, I want you to go out there and Turn Undead".

The younger priest goes out, and comes back in looking pale and exhausted.

The older priest says "Did you Turn Undead?"

The younger priest says, "Well, I let him bite me, but he says it'll be a few days before I turn."

A priest, living in a rural part of the country, was invited on a hunt with the rest of the village. Thinking that it might bring him closer to his parish, he agreed.
Unfortunately, he was placed next to the village blacksmith who was not only an incredibly bad shot, but also swore enough to make even a sailor blush.
As the hunt went on, the blacksmith became more and more agitated with his inability to hit his target, and exclaimed, more than once: “Damn! I missed!”. After a while, this became too much for the priest: “Son, if you keep on swearing, God will punish you!”. The blacksmith just shrugged his shoulders and continued swearing profoundly. As he did so, the sky darkened, thunder rolled, and a lightning arched from the heavens striking the priest and killing him on the spot. And from above could be heard a deep, slightly embarrassed, voiced: “Damn! I missed!”.

A priest in a small town was planning a vacation, but knew that he could not leave the town without someone for confession. He asked some of the priests nearby, but none of them could take the position for him. In desperation, he asked one of his rabbi friends, who agreed. After thanking the rabbi profusely for agreeing to take up the position, he told the rabbi to come to confession for two weeks prior so that he could show how it is done. The rabbi agreed.

The rabbi listened through the first confession.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give up adultery, give five thousand dollars to charity, say fifty Hail Marys, and all will be forgiven."
"Thank you, father."
After confession was over, the priest thanked the rabbi for coming and reminded him to come again next week.

The next week, the rabbi listened through confession again. In the middle, he heard the same man come back to the priest.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give up adultery, give five thousand dollars to charity, say fifty Hail Marys, and all will be forgiven."
"Thank you, father."
After confession was over, the priest asked the rabbi if he understood how to do confession. "I think so," the rabbi replied.

The next week, when the rabbi was doing confession for the priest, he heard the same man again.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, my child?"
"I committed adultery five times this week."
"Give ten thousand dollars to charity, say a hundred Hail Marys, and you'll have five more to go."

I don't get it... :headbang:

I don't get it... :headbang:

The Rabbi *really* understood how confession works.

Oh man, A Joke Thread... And it got pushed back to page 3!!!

---

Three Nuns died in a car crash and found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter walked towards them and, after greeting them, said that they would have to anwer one question each before they could enter Paradise.

This made the Nuns nervous, after all, who ever heard of a verbal test to enter Heaven? but seeing that they had no choice, they agreed.

St. Peter turned to the first Nun. "Who is the First Man on Earth?"
The Nun sighed with relief and aswered "Adam" and the sky was filled with bells as the gates opened for her.

St. Peter turned to the Second Nun. "Who is the First Woman on Earth?" The Nun confidently replied "Eve" and again the bells tolled and the gates opened.

St. Peter turned to the Third Nun and asked "What was the First think Eve said to Adam" The Third Nun stood in shock. she pondered the question and finally, muttered, "My Goodness, that is a hard one." and the bells rang out as the gates opened...

---

The Pope arrives in New York for a UN Conference. He finds that he's running late, so he calls for a cab.

He tells the cabbie "I need to be at the UN in Ten Minutes."
"Sorry your holiness, it takes at least forty minutes to get there."
"Well, let me drive and I'll get there in ten."
So the cabbie got out and into the back seat while the Pope raced off. They were flying through traffic, way over the speed limit, when suddenly a rookie traffic cop pulled them over.

The rookie cop walked to the cab... saw who was inside and turned around to pick up his radio.

"This is Road Patrol 10 to base, I need some help here." he spoke into the radio.
"this is base, what's the problem."
"Well, I've pulled someone over for speeding, and he's very big. I don't know what to do."
"Is it a movie star?" Headquarter asked.
"no, he's bigger."
"A politician then." The dispatcher replied.
"No Bigger that that."
"not the Mayor"
"No...way bigger..."
"The President?" by this time, the dispatcher was impressed.
"Uh... Bigger sir."
"Who the hell did you pull over?"
"Dunno, but he's got the Pope driving him around."

OK. I got one.

There's a priest on a bus, and this drunk gets on. Hey smells like cigarettes, has lipstick on his collar, and a half-empty bottle of scotch sticking out of his jacket pocket, which by the way is unwashed and has holes in it. He has greasy hair as well. He pulls out a newspaper and starts reading it. After a while, he asks the priest, "Father, what causes arthiritis?"
The priest, angry, responds, "It is caused by smoking, sleeping around, drinking heavily, and uncleanliness!"
After a while, the priest feels bad about saying that, so he apoligizes and says, "Sorry my son, how long have you had arthiritis?"

The drunk responds, "Oh, I don't. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Here's a good one:

Wacky weather report

For long-winded priests-a mass of hot air expected.

And some more:

How did Moses part the red sea?

He used a sea saw.

Hee hee!!

A priest and a young girl are sitting near a baseball field, watching the pouring rain from the safety of a small duck-out.
The priest sighs, and says "Looks like there won't be a game today."
The girl nods and asks "Say, you work for the Big Guy don't you? Can't you arrange something?"
"Sorry, I work for PR, not management."

Sadly the only priest jokes I know are paedophile ones. I loved the Rabbi jokes though, especially the '3-2' one. :p

A priest encountered a rabbi whom he didn't like very much.
"Last night I dreamt I was in the Jewish Heaven. Well, it was a pandemonium; everyone was screaming, merchants argued en all the roads were filled with people milling around."
"Really?" the rabbi asked with a smile on his face.
"How curious. I dreamt I was in your Heaven, but it was entirely different. It was filled with flowerbeds, tranquility, beautiful houses..."
"And the people?" the priest asked.
"People?" the rabbi answered "There were no people."