NationStates Jolt Archive

How do I deal with the fact I can't make the person I care about most in the world happy? I can bring happiness into his life, but I can't take away all the pain and all the stresses.

The main two problems are situation with work/homelife/parents and depression. I can't change his situation, and I can't cure his depression. I can offer my never-ending support and unconditional love, and I do, but... I can't do anything in the real sense of changing how things are. And it's so hard to hear "there's nothing you can do".

My first priority, the one thing always on my mind, the thing my heart aches for and which I have a fierce, burning longing to be able to achieve... I can't.

I can give him time he enjoys and time when he's happy and can feel good about himself and life and the future... but I can't be with him all of the time. I would be, if I could, but it's just not at all possible or practical for the next two years really. All I can do is try and increase time together as much as I can, and make it as valuable as I can.

I just wish there was more I could do. I'd give anything to just solve these problems for him. But I can't, and... how can I possibly accept that or deal with that?
I just hate seeing him suffering and feeling so helpless.

Everyone's got problems. It's their decision how they deal with them. Your BF sounds like he is either clinically depressed, about which there is nothing you can do and I would advise bailing on him unless he is willing to go see a psychologist, or he uses his problems to intentionally garner sympathy and attention, in which case he is a pussy and you should bail on him - unless you're the kind that doesn't feel alive unless you have someone to rescue, in which case I advise bailing on him and getting some help for yourself.

*snip*

So, bail yeh?:p

Everyone's got problems. It's their decision how they deal with them. Your BF sounds like he is either clinically depressed, about which there is nothing you can do and I would advise bailing on him unless he is willing to go see a psychologist, or he uses his problems to intentionally garner sympathy and attention, in which case he is a pussy and you should bail on him - unless you're the kind that doesn't feel alive unless you have someone to rescue, in which case I advise bailing on him and getting some help for yourself.
There's no chance of me "bailing on him". Not an option. I could never do that, would never want to do that and the very idea just... is my worst nightmare.
He doesn't use problems to intentionally get sympathy or attention - I offer those willingly and freely 'cause I love him.
And the last idea isn't the case either.

-

I should also say that I've been through depression so should understand and accept that I can't magic it all away. It's just hard to accept.

There's no chance of me "bailing on him". Not an option. I could never do that, would never want to do that and the very idea just... is my worst nightmare.
He doesn't use problems to intentionally get sympathy or attention - I offer those willingly and freely 'cause I love him.
And the last idea isn't the case either.

-

I should also say that I've been through depression so should understand and accept that I can't magic it all away. It's just hard to accept.
If you're talking about who I think you're talking about then I don't agree at all with PD on the latter points, but I would ask, is he getting any aid from professionals?

If you're talking about who I think you're talking about then I don't agree at all with PD on the latter points, but I would ask, is he getting any aid from professionals?
no he is not. he would quite like to, but his family is really being quite unsupportive in that particular aspect

Honestly?

You can't solve anything by yourself. Nobody can. But that doesn't mean you're not helping.

When I was going through a bit of a rough spot as a kid, I had very few friends, which in turn rendered it incredibly difficult to share what I was going through with anyone. I really wanted to, so very badly, but it seemed nobody wanted to listen. It was only my own fierce determination to bear it and push through it that kept me going, and the whole experience has definitely left a scar. I would have given anything to have someone to just live life with.

Being that person for the one you love is such an important role to play. Even if you can't make it all go away, just being there for them can make all the difference. And it's not easy, but taking some of it off of his shoulders will lighten his burden in both the short and long term.

While there is a certain kind of person who steadfastly refuses any kind of help, advice or counsel, I'm not reading that he's quite there yet. WHat have you tried to do with regard to suggesting help? If you've truly done everything you can, then by devoting yourself so fully to someone with no desire to change himself or his situation, you're doing more harm than good -- and mostly to yourself.

It's my experience that making your own happiness contingent upon the happiness of another is asking for madness. It is good to derive joy from bringing pleasure to others, of course, but if it's your only source of joy, then your life effectively revolves around the state of the other person -- dependency defined.

I wouldn't say "bail" as yet, but you're approaching that territory if he is steadfast in his resolve to stay depressed and stay where he is. The solutions to someone's problems when they involve the very foundations of his life are NEVER EASY, and NEVER PLEASANT. If he can't handle those facts, then he's never going to work as hard for you as you do and did for him. Since any healthy relationship is at least partially predicated on equality, you may eventually come to resent him, which is no good.

Just some thoughts.

Honestly?

You can't solve anything by yourself. Nobody can. But that doesn't mean you're not helping.

When I was going through a bit of a rough spot as a kid, I had very few friends, which in turn rendered it incredibly difficult to share what I was going through with anyone. I really wanted to, so very badly, but it seemed nobody wanted to listen. It was only my own fierce determination to bear it and push through it that kept me going, and the whole experience has definitely left a scar. I would have given anything to have someone to just live life with.

Being that person for the one you love is such an important role to play. Even if you can't make it all go away, just being there for them can make all the difference. And it's not easy, but taking some of it off of his shoulders will lighten his burden in both the short and long term.

here's the 'words of wizdom' you're looking for amy :fluffle:
you do help, so much... as i've said to you so many times, i love the part of my life that's with you. i love you. you do make me happy when we're together, and you help me through difficult times and are there for me when i'm alone. i don't know what will make everything good - things never have never really seemed to be - but i think things can be good, even if its a couple of years away :fluffle: in the mean time, lets make the best of things as we can :)

-snip-
Being that person for the one you love is such an important role to play. Even if you can't make it all go away, just being there for them can make all the difference. And it's not easy, but taking some of it off of his shoulders will lighten his burden in both the short and long term.
It's a role I'm more than happy to play, and never want to stop playing. I know it can make a huge difference, and I am so wonderfully happy to be in his life and able to do this - it's just accepting that I can't do any more.

no he is not. he would quite like to, but his family is really being quite unsupportive in that particular aspect

I didn't want to introduce your name to the thread. I don't know how things work in the UK, but in the US there are social programs available for such things. Depression is a dangerous illness. You're right to take it seriously. It presents a direct and imminent danger to your health. In recognition of this, many health organizations are willing to give free service where pay is not possible. If you'd like help finding some, I'd be quite happy to assist. You're a good person and you deserve to be able to control your emotions.

While there is a certain kind of person who steadfastly refuses any kind of help, advice or counsel, I'm not reading that he's quite there yet. WHat have you tried to do with regard to suggesting help? If you've truly done everything you can, then by devoting yourself so fully to someone with no desire to change himself or his situation, you're doing more harm than good -- and mostly to yourself.

It's my experience that making your own happiness contingent upon the happiness of another is asking for madness. It is good to derive joy from bringing pleasure to others, of course, but if it's your only source of joy, then your life effectively revolves around the state of the other person -- dependency defined.

I wouldn't say "bail" as yet, but you're approaching that territory if he is steadfast in his resolve to stay depressed and stay where he is. The solutions to someone's problems when they involve the very foundations of his life are NEVER EASY, and NEVER PLEASANT. If he can't handle those facts, then he's never going to work as hard for you as you do and did for him. Since any healthy relationship is at least partially predicated on equality, you may eventually come to resent him, which is no good.
He's helped me unspeakably when I was in similar situations and suffering from depression. There's no way it could be seen as me putting more effort in, or him not doing the same for him because he is immensly supportive and loving and caring.

My happiness isn't 100% dependant upon him, though I do know what you're saying.

Most of the time I can cope okay when he's feeling bad and it affects me but not this much. I'm obviously just finding it particurlarly hard at the moment. The benefits of the relationship 100% definitly outweight this one "negative" of the relationship. I'm still happier with my life and myself than I've ever been before. It's something I'm more than happy to deal with - I'm just having to learn to come to terms with.

How old are you and how old is he?

here's the 'words of wizdom' you're looking for amy :fluffle:
you do help, so much... as i've said to you so many times, i love the part of my life that's with you. i love you. you do make me happy when we're together, and you help me through difficult times and are there for me when i'm alone. i don't know what will make everything good - things never have never really seemed to be - but i think things can be good, even if its a couple of years away :fluffle: in the mean time, lets make the best of things as we can :)
I will do :)
I, in no way, mean to demean the worth of our relationship or what we have at all :fluffle: I think what we have is incredible and wonderful and I have never been happier :)
I just know that it isn't always "enough" for you - and that's when I wish I could give you more, do more. But hearing things like that helps incredibly :)
*hugs*

I can give him time he enjoys and time when he's happy and can feel good about himself and life and the future... but I can't be with him all of the time. I would be, if I could, but it's just not at all possible or practical for the next two years really. All I can do is try and increase time together as much as I can, and make it as valuable as I can.

You know, this is really a good effort. You also might want to make sure that your time together is alcohol and drug free, as these things tend to deepen depression. Activities that produce an uplift are creating things together, taking on and finishing a project together, and excercize of some sort.

I have dealt with depression on and off my whole life. Its a difficult thing for everyone, the depressed and the loved ones. Just do your best, thats all you can do, and don't take it personal.

Good Luck and hang in there!

How old are you and how old is he?
16 and 21 respectively.

Apart from using that to judge practicalities of the situation, anything about me not being in love or me forgetting about a "high school crush" etc will be ignored completely.

There's no chance of me "bailing on him". Not an option. I could never do that, would never want to do that and the very idea just... is my worst nightmare.
He doesn't use problems to intentionally get sympathy or attention - I offer those willingly and freely 'cause I love him.
And the last idea isn't the case either.

-

I should also say that I've been through depression so should understand and accept that I can't magic it all away. It's just hard to accept.
Then bite your lip and suffer it. You've made your decision and now you live with it. No reason to ask for help with it. There's nothing anybody except you or him can do about it.

You know, this is really a good effort. You also might want to make sure that your time together is alcohol and drug free, as these things tend to deepen depression. Activities that produce an uplift are creating things together, taking on and finishing a project together, and excercize of some sort.

I have dealt with depression on and off my whole life. Its a difficult thing for everyone, the depressed and the loved ones. Just do your best, thats all you can do, and don't take it personal.

Good Luck and hang in there!
Thank you :)

Having experienced depression myself, I do know what it's like and know I can't magically cure anything. And I do know that what I'm doing is helpful and that being able to give him time he enjoys is something quite special when suffering from depression.

And he is alcohol and drug free *nods*

16 and 21 respectively.

Apart from using that to judge practicalities of the situation, anything about me not being in love or me forgetting about a "high school crush" etc will be ignored completely.

I'm not judging you due to the age difference. What you feel is pure and quite an admirable characteristic. Not many women are willing to hang in through all of what you've said (ladies, please don't chew me out for that, you know what I mean). You and this guy share much in common. You both know what it's like to face depression apparently. Just stick in there. I'm sure he feels the same about you and appreciates to have someone around who does care.

Then bite your lip and suffer it. You've made your decision and now you live with it. No reason to ask for help with it. There's nothing anybody except you or him can do about it.
True.
I guess I just needed a ramble of thoughts, and was also wondering if anyone who'd had experience of something similar could offer any thoughts/advice.

I'm not judging you due to the age difference. What you feel is pure and quite an admirable characteristic. Not many women are willing to hang in through all of what you've said (ladies, please don't chew me out for that, you know what I mean). You and this guy share much in common. You both know what it's like to face depression apparently. Just stick in there. I'm sure he feels the same about you and appreciates to have someone around who does care.
I wasn't necessarily saying you would - just making it clear for anyone who was going to read and make some presumptions about the situation.

And thank you :) I know he does feel the same way, and appreciates me greatly, and there is no option in my mind other than to "stick in there".

I will do
I, in no way, mean to demean the worth of our relationship or what we have at all :fluffle: I think what we have is incredible and wonderful and I have never been happier
I just know that it isn't always "enough" for you - and that's when I wish I could give you more, do more. But hearing things like that helps incredibly :)
*hugs*
you're not demeaning it :fluffle:
and for the record, i don't think i've ever said our relationship isn't "enough"... i've said i wanted more.
subtle but important difference there :P (like i'm saying on msn... we're just at different stages in our lives at the moment, and until we can come together till we're able to be together 'more' in that way, then things may be hard, but it sure does mean we have a future together (and will end up with one very strong relationship in 2 years time! :D) :fluffle: )


I didn't want to introduce your name to the thread. I don't know how things work in the UK, but in the US there are social programs available for such things. Depression is a dangerous illness. You're right to take it seriously. It presents a direct and imminent danger to your health. In recognition of this, many health organizations are willing to give free service where pay is not possible. If you'd like help finding some, I'd be quite happy to assist. You're a good person and you deserve to be able to control your emotions.
thanks :)

i'm really not sure what to say about this whole thread... i suppose i could say i was an awful lot more depressed than i am now. i have been diagnosed clinically depressed but my doctor was a git about it and did nothing but give me the names of some (yes, free) local councelling services.... which all had full waiting lists :rolleyes:
one of the problems is i was, say, 10 out of 10 depressed before. now i'm about a 3 or 4 in comparison. on a bad day, 5. i was suicidal for 2 years and woke up wanting to be dead, and attempted once (a dismal failure which put me off trying again :p)... that being better made me think i was cured, but i'm not, and its only relatively recently i've come to realise that.

but a large part of that being better - able to cope with life, able to deal with things more, able to leave the house, looking forward to a future, and sometimes even liking myself and being happy - is because of amy. that, and moving back home... but home and parents are a whole bunch of other issues (which make truly helping each other much harder and complicate things an awful lot further :(), and i'm 100% sure i wouldn't be where i am today - not "cured" but a damn sight better - if it wasn't for amy :fluffle:


sorry, i went on a rant there.... to answer your post: i want councelling but its difficult to get my families' support due to those issues i mentioned above (and which amy is beginning to know), and also they still think i'm "cured" (as i thought i was) and for their sake i don't want to have to go 'backwards' like that (as my dad would put it)


i think i will have to get councelling, and just go it alone and do it myself. its incredibly daunting and i fear just being laughed out of the place, but there's a private firm i know locally and i'll look into them tonight. the problem is its so easy to convince yourself its all ok and you'll just get better in time and things.... i don't know. but i think perhaps this is the kick up the arse i need to get moving and help myself...

You know, this is really a good effort. You also might want to make sure that your time together is alcohol and drug free, as these things tend to deepen depression. Activities that produce an uplift are creating things together, taking on and finishing a project together, and excercize of some sort.

we do try and do plenty of activities together, and a good variation. its one of the things i love about spending time with her, in that we always find things to do and ways to have fun... whether we're actually doing something truly interesting (like going to london theatre on monday!) or just cuddling up channel-hopping :fluffle:




And he is alcohol and drug free *nods*
11 months and counting! :D


I have dealt with depression on and off my whole life. Its a difficult thing for everyone, the depressed and the loved ones. Just do your best, thats all you can do, and don't take it personal.

Good Luck and hang in there!
amen to that! :)

I'm sure he feels the same about you and appreciates to have someone around who does care.
another amen! :D :fluffle:

i do appreciate it so much... its just hard to put into words sometimes what it does mean to me, and what a difference to my life she does make. i try my best to let her know and show her how much i care about her and how grateful i am just to have her in my life :fluffle:

How do I deal with the fact I can't make the person I care about most in the world happy? I can bring happiness into his life, but I can't take away all the pain and all the stresses.

The main two problems are situation with work/homelife/parents and depression. I can't change his situation, and I can't cure his depression. I can offer my never-ending support and unconditional love, and I do, but... I can't do anything in the real sense of changing how things are. And it's so hard to hear "there's nothing you can do".

My first priority, the one thing always on my mind, the thing my heart aches for and which I have a fierce, burning longing to be able to achieve... I can't.

I can give him time he enjoys and time when he's happy and can feel good about himself and life and the future... but I can't be with him all of the time. I would be, if I could, but it's just not at all possible or practical for the next two years really. All I can do is try and increase time together as much as I can, and make it as valuable as I can.

I just wish there was more I could do. I'd give anything to just solve these problems for him. But I can't, and... how can I possibly accept that or deal with that?
I just hate seeing him suffering and feeling so helpless.

This can be one of the most difficult things in the world to accept, but sometimes there really ISN'T anything you can do to change how another person feels about something. The solution to this one is within HIM. Perhaps he should consider some sort of counseling, sounds like he's in a funk. We've all been there at some time or another, though each of us thinks our situation is completely unique.

you're not demeaning it :fluffle:
and for the record, i don't think i've ever said our relationship isn't "enough"... i've said i wanted more.
subtle but important difference there :P (like i'm saying on msn... we're just at different stages in our lives at the moment, and until we can come together till we're able to be together 'more' in that way, then things may be hard, but it sure does mean we have a future together (and will end up with one very strong relationship in 2 years time! :D) )
thank you for making the distinction because, often, I guess it's easy for me to feel like you are saying it isn't "enough" so it's good to hear you say that isn't the case :)
*hugs*
Indeed - however hard things are, I still think it's worth it and want my future with you :) (as made 100% clear on msn)

... that being better made me think i was cured, but i'm not, and its only relatively recently i've come to realise that.
That is something I notice quite a lot - you compare to how things were and yes, they are much better and that's fantastic and I can't express how glad I am for the improvement, but it's obvious that you could still do with something to help because depression is still there :fluffle:

but a large part of that being better - able to cope with life, able to deal with things more, able to leave the house, looking forward to a future, and sometimes even liking myself and being happy - is because of amy. that, and moving back home... but home and parents are a whole bunch of other issues (which make truly helping each other much harder and complicate things an awful lot further :(), and i'm 100% sure i wouldn't be where i am today - not "cured" but a damn sight better - if it wasn't for amy :fluffle:
that's really really wonderful to hear :) :fluffle:

sorry, i went on a rant there.... to answer your post: i want councelling but its difficult to get my families' support due to those issues i mentioned above (and which amy is beginning to know), and also they still think i'm "cured" (as i thought i was) and for their sake i don't want to have to go 'backwards' like that (as my dad would put it)

i think i will have to get councelling, and just go it alone and do it myself. its incredibly daunting and i fear just being laughed out of the place, but there's a private firm i know locally and i'll look into them tonight. the problem is its so easy to convince yourself its all ok and you'll just get better in time and things.... i don't know. but i think perhaps this is the kick up the arse i need to get moving and help myself...
I do think getting councelling could help a lot, as I've said many times, and if your parents won't support you in it, you have to do it yourself.
I know how daunting it is - remember, I've gone through this all before. You won't get laughed out of the place, and I'm sure they'll take you seriously. If you'd find it easier, you could write a letter to them talking about it and asking about counselling.
I'll be here every step of the way :fluffle:

Aaawww... isn't that something? ;)

You could marry and REALLY have something to be depressed about.

Just kidding.

Since you two have chosen eachother is there any chance of seeking professional help together so that glitzyness can learn where she can help you where she cant and methods to help her cope when she cant help?

no he is not. he would quite like to, but his family is really being quite unsupportive in that particular aspect

I've dealt with depression on and off for a long time. It was bad for me, but I dont know how it compares to others. I've never had professional help with it.
I mentioned it to my general practitioner and asked for a presecription for zoloft or paxil, but I think he gave me viagra by mistake, juding by the side effects.

I know one thing that has to help to a certain degree-Thats having someone you can bitch and whine to when you feel you need it, that wont throw it back in your face, that wont make you feel stupid for unburdening yourself and wont challenge what you say or make you feel like its all in your own head. Sometomes the problem is, no matter how much that person cares, they are bound to tire of it, or get depressed themselves.

So- I think having the person you can trust listen to you and be there for you, with obvious love and support, understanding and what appears to be a really great personality is a big help.
But not being an expert and not having the answers-I still think maybe a person clearly having the ups and downs of depression should try to talk to a professional at least once, with or without family support.

There may be a simple, reasonable fix or advise on coping.


Either way- I'm happy to listen and offer any advice I can in here or in a TG, if you want a guy's perspective. A guy with 39 years experience with ups and downs.

Best wishes, my friend.

16 and 21 respectively.

Apart from using that to judge practicalities of the situation, anything about me not being in love or me forgetting about a "high school crush" etc will be ignored completely.

Never listen to anyone who puts you down for your age. My husband's grandma got MARRIED when she was 16, and was happily married for well over 50 years. Ain't nothin wrong with it.

As to the depression, I'm afraid it happens. My family wasn't supportive when I was depressed and chose to get counseling and medication. Too bad for them. He's old enough to not need parental consent - is there some reason he even has to tell them? Most schools/colleges/universities have free counseling for students, and many insurances cover it too. I'd suggest he get counseling and see if the counselor recommends medication.

Time for a bunch of hackneyed cliches I'm sure you're sick of hearing, but that I still think have some worth in them.

I just wish there was more I could do. I'd give anything to just solve these problems for him. But I can't, and...
No, you can't. But then, why would you? You're his girlfriend, not his counsellor. What I suspect he needs from you right now is to know that you're there for him (especially so in a long-ish distance relationship ), that you love him, and that you'll always listen to him. Most depressed people want, above all, someone to talk to.

I second the comments of those who suggested seeking professional help. I know that's not always easy, but there are a number of organizations, helplines, and so on, that can at least set you on the road to finding help (NHS Direct (http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/) and Depression Alliance (http://www.depressionalliance.org/) have some useful links and contact details). At the end of the day, if your boyfriend really suffers from clinical depression, then he [i]is going to need to talk to someone medical - and that's, I assume, not you. But that shouldn't worry you, because he also needs someone personal to talk to, and I assume that is you.

I'd also be quite sure that he wouldn't want you getting upset about this. It's obviously quite traumatic to have to go through it, but at the same time, if you're positive about it, it'll catch on. (That's certainly not to promote repression on your part - you too should find someone to talk to.)

So, how to deal with the fact that neither you nor anyone else can click their fingers and make him better? Try to be positive, to take heart from little successes, and to be willing to listen to him, and let him know you're listening.

Oh, and listen to advice from anonymous internet posters. Always the key to any relationship.

16 and 21 respectively.

Apart from using that to judge practicalities of the situation, anything about me not being in love or me forgetting about a "high school crush" etc will be ignored completely.

I met my wife in high school over 20 years ago.

You seem pretty mature in your feelings- I had no clue you were only 16-I would have guessed 20 or so.

11 months and counting! :D
Fantastic :) :fluffle:


amen to that! :)


another amen! :D :fluffle:

i do appreciate it so much... its just hard to put into words sometimes what it does mean to me, and what a difference to my life she does make. i try my best to let her know and show her how much i care about her and how grateful i am just to have her in my life :fluffle:
I know you appreciate me, definitly, don't worry - and I know I do make a difference and I love that :) Just... a longing to do more - you know :fluffle:

Ack... I've got a friend who's clinically depressed and I've spent entire nights talking to him, to no avail. I'm sure it does help to have someone to talk to, although in some ways I'm concerned it may perpetuate the problem. If you just keep talking to that person and do nothing... see what I mean?

Ideally, you'd take that big first step and go looking for professional help. if you can commit yourself to doing that, it may be a big step forward. Then again, I've run out of ideas in this particular field, sorry...

Since you two have chosen eachother is there any chance of seeking professional help together so that glitzyness can learn where she can help you where she cant and methods to help her cope when she cant help?
I know where I can and can't help. It's just accepting that.
But thanks :)

Well, seeking professional counseling on it is advisable. No one can make you do it. I myself don't and never have suffered from depression so I can't know exactly what you two feel and how it affects you. All you can do is choose to take advice and help each other out.

I know one thing that has to help to a certain degree-Thats having someone you can bitch and whine to when you feel you need it, that wont throw it back in your face, that wont make you feel stupid for unburdening yourself and wont challenge what you say or make you feel like its all in your own head. Sometomes the problem is, no matter how much that person cares, they are bound to tire of it, or get depressed themselves.

So- I think having the person you can trust listen to you and be there for you, with obvious love and support, understanding and what appears to be a really great personality is a big help.
He knows I am always willing to listen, and I'm 99% of the time good at responding in the "right" way and helping (I think). And I actually don't tire of it or resent it at all and generally I don't get depressed - just occasionally I find it hard (in the sense of seeing him hurt - not in the sense of the effort to help him), like I'm doing now.

And I know that I am a big help, and I always want to be around to do what I can and be there for him. Just simply wish I could do more. But I'm still thankful to be in his life and able to support him and make him happy :)

Never listen to anyone who puts you down for your age. My husband's grandma got MARRIED when she was 16, and was happily married for well over 50 years. Ain't nothin wrong with it.

As to the depression, I'm afraid it happens. My family wasn't supportive when I was depressed and chose to get counseling and medication. Too bad for them. He's old enough to not need parental consent - is there some reason he even has to tell them? Most schools/colleges/universities have free counseling for students, and many insurances cover it too. I'd suggest he get counseling and see if the counselor recommends medication.
Heh, I don't listen :P

With parents, he lives with them and works with them and has a fairly close/strong/important relationship with them so their opinion and reaction is an important one.

No, you can't. But then, why would you? You're his girlfriend, not his counsellor. What I suspect he needs from you right now is to know that you're there for him (especially so in a long-ish distance relationship ), that you love him, and that you'll always listen to him. Most depressed people want, above all, someone to talk to.
And he definitly has that in me, and I offer regular reassurance that I'll always be here for him, love him and am more than happy to listen when he needs to talk.

I'd also be quite sure that he wouldn't want [i]you getting upset about this. It's obviously quite traumatic to have to go through it, but at the same time, if you're positive about it, it'll catch on. (That's certainly not to promote repression on your part - you too should find someone to talk to.)
Heh, I know he wouldn't and he's definitly helping reassure me :)
And the majority of the time I am positive, and try to be a positive influence without that being overbearing or unwanted.

So, how to deal with the fact that neither you nor anyone else can click their fingers and make him better? Try to be positive, to take heart from little successes, and to be willing to listen to him, and let him know you're listening.
All good advice, which most of the time I follow :) Thank you :)

I really do appreciate everyone's help and advice and thoughts :fluffle:

I met my wife in high school over 20 years ago.

You seem pretty mature in your feelings- I had no clue you were only 16-I would have guessed 20 or so.
Even with my pictures, you thought I was around 20?
I thought you knew my age for some reason...

Ack... I've got a friend who's clinically depressed and I've spent entire nights talking to him, to no avail. I'm sure it does help to have someone to talk to, although in some ways I'm concerned it may perpetuate the problem. If you just keep talking to that person and do nothing... see what I mean?

Ideally, you'd take that big first step and go looking for professional help. if you can commit yourself to doing that, it may be a big step forward. Then again, I've run out of ideas in this particular field, sorry...
I think a mixture of talking but also actively changing things is the best.

Ack... I've got a friend who's clinically depressed and I've spent entire nights talking to him, to no avail. I'm sure it does help to have someone to talk to, although in some ways I'm concerned it may perpetuate the problem. If you just keep talking to that person and do nothing... see what I mean?

Ideally, you'd take that big first step and go looking for professional help. if you can commit yourself to doing that, it may be a big step forward. Then again, I've run out of ideas in this particular field, sorry...
thanks for your concern :)
and i agree that talking without any direction or purpose is a very good and helpful way of dealing with depression, or whatever you want to call it, on a day-to-day or short-term basis, but perhaps the fact that i've felt this way for at least 3 years, if not about as long as i can remember, should probably indicate the need for some structured help.

will be looking into it asap *nods*

I met my wife in high school over 20 years ago.

You seem pretty mature in your feelings- I had no clue you were only 16-I would have guessed 20 or so.
ooh same here... when i first got to know her, at least :P
i actually thought she was older than me... maybe 24 or so?


oh and my own parents met in first year uni, aged 18 and 19 respectively... not quite the same, but there's nothing stopping two people being together a good long time if they're truly good together :)

He's old enough to not need parental consent - is there some reason he even has to tell them? Most schools/colleges/universities have free counseling for students, and many insurances cover it too. I'd suggest he get counseling and see if the counselor recommends medication.
well, the reason why i kinda have to tell them is complicated... i don't have to, but its just... there are reasons. i still live with them for one (dropped out of uni on 'medical grounds'... which also means no access to student support)


I'd also be quite sure that he wouldn't want you getting upset about this. It's obviously quite traumatic to have to go through it, but at the same time, if you're positive about it, it'll catch on. (That's certainly not to promote repression on your part - you too should find someone to talk to.)

we share all our feelings with each other - nothing hidden, nothing held back - and i wouldn't have it any other way. i'd rather know how my situation is affecting her so even if i can't do anything, i can support her when she needs it...

that said, there IS something i can do, and i might not have done (at least now) had i not known (or understood better, thanks to this thread and our talks this evening) how this is affecting her... i will get my councelling because, for a large part, it will hopefully help her too :fluffle:

I've dealt with depression on and off for a long time. It was bad for me, but I dont know how it compares to others. I've never had professional help with it.
I mentioned it to my general practitioner and asked for a presecription for zoloft or paxil, but I think he gave me viagra by mistake, juding by the side effects.

I know one thing that has to help to a certain degree-Thats having someone you can bitch and whine to when you feel you need it, that wont throw it back in your face, that wont make you feel stupid for unburdening yourself and wont challenge what you say or make you feel like its all in your own head. Sometomes the problem is, no matter how much that person cares, they are bound to tire of it, or get depressed themselves.

So- I think having the person you can trust listen to you and be there for you, with obvious love and support, understanding and what appears to be a really great personality is a big help.
But not being an expert and not having the answers-I still think maybe a person clearly having the ups and downs of depression should try to talk to a professional at least once, with or without family support.

There may be a simple, reasonable fix or advise on coping.


Either way- I'm happy to listen and offer any advice I can in here or in a TG, if you want a guy's perspective. A guy with 39 years experience with ups and downs.

Best wishes, my friend.
thank you :)
you speak the truth, and your adivce goes to back up and further motivate me to get this help :fluffle:

Well, it seems you two have something very special. You're both good for each other and I wish you both the best of luck. I admire and respect you two for having the will power to weather through the storms. It truly is remarkable how love conquers all. :)

thanks for your concern :)

ooh same here... when i first got to know her, at least :P
i actually thought she was older than me... maybe 24 or so?


oh and my own parents met in first year uni, aged 18 and 19 respectively... not quite the same, but there's nothing stopping two people being together a good long time if they're truly good together :)


thank you :)
you speak the truth, and your adivce goes to back up and further motivate me to get this help :fluffle:


Yeah- I'm pretty sure I've seen Glitziness' pics and was guessing she was around 20. Maybe I was more fooled by how she expresses herself in here.
By the way-I remember a pic with her and mom in it- mom looking really good, so PM, you have that to look foward to when Glitzy grows old with you.
Come to think of it, my parents met in high school and have been happily married for over 30 years now.

You deserve help. You're worth it. Try it out.

you're not demeaning it :fluffle:
and for the record, i don't think i've ever said our relationship isn't "enough"... i've said i wanted more.
subtle but important difference there :P (like i'm saying on msn... we're just at different stages in our lives at the moment, and until we can come together till we're able to be together 'more' in that way, then things may be hard, but it sure does mean we have a future together (and will end up with one very strong relationship in 2 years time! :D) :fluffle: )



thanks :)

i'm really not sure what to say about this whole thread... i suppose i could say i was an awful lot more depressed than i am now. i have been diagnosed clinically depressed but my doctor was a git about it and did nothing but give me the names of some (yes, free) local councelling services.... which all had full waiting lists :rolleyes:
one of the problems is i was, say, 10 out of 10 depressed before. now i'm about a 3 or 4 in comparison. on a bad day, 5. i was suicidal for 2 years and woke up wanting to be dead, and attempted once (a dismal failure which put me off trying again :p)... that being better made me think i was cured, but i'm not, and its only relatively recently i've come to realise that.

but a large part of that being better - able to cope with life, able to deal with things more, able to leave the house, looking forward to a future, and sometimes even liking myself and being happy - is because of amy. that, and moving back home... but home and parents are a whole bunch of other issues (which make truly helping each other much harder and complicate things an awful lot further :(), and i'm 100% sure i wouldn't be where i am today - not "cured" but a damn sight better - if it wasn't for amy :fluffle:


sorry, i went on a rant there.... to answer your post: i want councelling but its difficult to get my families' support due to those issues i mentioned above (and which amy is beginning to know), and also they still think i'm "cured" (as i thought i was) and for their sake i don't want to have to go 'backwards' like that (as my dad would put it)


i think i will have to get councelling, and just go it alone and do it myself. its incredibly daunting and i fear just being laughed out of the place, but there's a private firm i know locally and i'll look into them tonight. the problem is its so easy to convince yourself its all ok and you'll just get better in time and things.... i don't know. but i think perhaps this is the kick up the arse i need to get moving and help myself...

The woman I love experiences some of the same things. Forget what your parents say. Admitting that you need help is a powerful way of taking control of your life. There is nothing weak or backsliding about it. It's you being willing to do what is necessary to reach your goals. I'll make this declaration today. Given what I've heard, you will get help one day and you'll be glad you did it. PM, I look forward to the day when all of this is something that is merely a maintenance issue in your life, like brushing your teeth, rather than what it is now (like just being happy that your tooth doesn't ache as badly as it used to).

I'm happy that your parents, you and others recognize the progress you've made. You should be proud. Now, buckle down and drive yourself to the next platform from which to look out at the world.

Even with my pictures, you thought I was around 20?
I thought you knew my age for some reason...

yep- I did. You must have the power to cloud my mind.

The woman I love experiences some of the same things. Forget what your parents say. Admitting that you need help is a powerful way of taking control of your life. There is nothing weak or backsliding about it. It's you being willing to do what is necessary to reach your goals. I'll make this declaration today. Given what I've heard, you will get help one day and you'll be glad you did it. PM, I look forward to the day when all of this is something that is merely a maintenance issue in your life, like brushing your teeth, rather than what it is now (like just being happy that your tooth doesn't ache as badly as it used to).

I'm happy that your parents, you and others recognize the progress you've made. You should be proud. Now, buckle down and drive yourself to the next platform from which to look out at the world.

well said

oh and my own parents met in first year uni, aged 18 and 19 respectively... not quite the same, but there's nothing stopping two people being together a good long time if they're truly good together :)
:)
Similar for my parents too *nods* They married when my mum was 18 and been together ever since.

we share all our feelings with each other - nothing hidden, nothing held back - and i wouldn't have it any other way. i'd rather know how my situation is affecting her so even if i can't do anything, i can support her when she needs it...
indeed, and you know I feel the exact same way, very strongly :fluffle:

that said, there IS something i can do, and i might not have done (at least now) had i not known (or understood better, thanks to this thread and our talks this evening) how this is affecting her... i will get my councelling because, for a large part, it will hopefully help her too :fluffle:
I think it's a good idea, 100% for your sake, but if this helps encourage you, that can't be a bad thing.
I just want you to be sure that you're not doing it just for me, and also that finding things hard or not magically getting better is in no way "failing me" or anything like that. I remember that feeling from therapy myself, and I wanna make sure you don't feel like that for me.

we all have the urge to "fix" the person we love. so many men would be great with just a TINY improvement here and there.

its being controlling. you have to get over it. you cant fix him, you cant improve him, you cant take away whats wrong. you can only be yourself and if thats good for him (and if he is good for you) then you have something real that has a good chance to last a long time.

what if he were diabetic? would you feel that you should be able to FIX his blood sugar problems? i hope that answer is NO. you would support him in his efforts to keep his diabetes under control. if you were good for him (and he for you) then you would have something real that has a good chance to stand the test of time.

but just like diabetes, depression can last a lifetime. he will always be at least a bit moody now and then. there may well be times in the future where he is so depressed that he requires a doctors care. just as with diabetes you have to be able to accept that he may some day go blind. these are things you have to be ready to accept. you cant fix them. either you take him as he is or you have to let him go.

so work on giving up the idea that its your job to "fix" him. its not. its your job to love him as he is. either your relationship works or it doesnt. i have great hope for the 2 of you. good luck.

Well, it seems you two have something very special. You're both good for each other and I wish you both the best of luck. I admire and respect you two for having the will power to weather through the storms. It truly is remarkable how love conquers all. :)
That was lovely to read *is smiley* :)

You deserve help. You're worth it. Try it out.
Very, very true.

The woman I love experiences some of the same things. Forget what your parents say. Admitting that you need help is a powerful way of taking control of your life. There is nothing weak or backsliding about it. It's you being willing to do what is necessary to reach your goals. I'll make this declaration today. Given what I've heard, you will get help one day and you'll be glad you did it. PM, I look forward to the day when all of this is something that is merely a maintenance issue in your life, like brushing your teeth, rather than what it is now (like just being happy that your tooth doesn't ache as badly as it used to).

I'm happy that your parents, you and others recognize the progress you've made. You should be proud. Now, buckle down and drive yourself to the next platform from which to look out at the world.
Also a lot of very, very true stuff said there.

For all the people who care, we've been talking and decided that I'll go with Huw to a doctor's appointment. His doctor's always brushed him off and made him feel he's overreacting, but I won't let that happen this time - I know Huw, I know depression, and I know what Huw needs. I'm awful at standing up for myself, but I know I can stand up for Huw.

yep- I did. You must have the power to cloud my mind.
Haha, hopefully you're not regretting things you've said but just remembering I live in the UK... :P

this is a crude form of therapy right now- a bunch of people that obviously care, listening and validating the person's issues,concerns and existance.

Without trivializing the situation or telling you to get over it.

I dont think the "good kick in the ass" ever really worked-maybe some people just got over it the hard way-alone and unsure.

And some never got over it.


I'm guessing each person that took part in this thread out of concern and understanding, will leave it feeling a little better about things when they do.

we all have the urge to "fix" the person we love. so many men would be great with just a TINY improvement here and there.

its being controlling. you have to get over it. you cant fix him, you cant improve him, you cant take away whats wrong. you can only be yourself and if thats good for him (and if he is good for you) then you have something real that has a good chance to last a long time.

what if he were diabetic? would you feel that you should be able to FIX his blood sugar problems? i hope that answer is NO. you would support him in his efforts to keep his diabetes under control. if you were good for him (and he for you) then you would have something real that has a good chance to stand the test of time.

but just like diabetes, depression can last a lifetime. he will always be at least a bit moody now and then. there may well be times in the future where he is so depressed that he requires a doctors care. just as with diabetes you have to be able to accept that he may some day go blind. these are things you have to be ready to accept. you cant fix them. either you take him as he is or you have to let him go.

so work on giving up the idea that its your job to "fix" him. its not. its your job to love him as he is. either your relationship works or it doesnt. i have great hope for the 2 of you. good luck.
I don't think I've ever seen it like that, or ever seen it as making him "better" or wanting to "improve" him. All my longings for him to be happy are purely for his sake - I love him just the way he is, depression and stress and all and there isn't a single thing I'd change... apart from wanting to change things so it's easier for him.

Of course I support him with the troubles he has, and love him unconditionally and accept him fully as he is.

Maybe I'm missing your point, or maybe you've read me wrong, I'm not sure.

The only problem I have is caring about him and hating to see him hurt and wanting to change that 100% for his sake. I wouldn't see that as being controlling or not accepting him.

this is a crude form of therapy right now- a bunch of people that obviously care, listening and validating the person's issues,concerns and existance.

Without trivializing the situation or telling you to get over it.

I dont think the "good kick in the ass" ever really worked-maybe some people just got over it the hard way-alone and unsure.

And some never got over it.


I'm guessing each person that took part in this thread out of concern and understanding, will leave it feeling a little better about things when they do.

I certainly will. I don't know how much help I was. But, I gave some words of incouragement. It is refreshing to see that there are still people out there who do believe that love...no matter how rocky the seas may be, will never sink as long as both truly love and care for one another. And I believe Glitziness and Pure Metal are just that...unsinkable in their love and devotion. And a better horizon awaits you two.

Glitziness - I know how you feel. Both me and my girlfriend of a couple of years have manic depression, which makes things exceptionally difficult at times, but we try and sort our problems out together.

The only thing that I can really think of doing is finding something that you both enjoy and partaking in it as much as possible. For my girlfriend and I, it's going to see music live, so we do that about once a week.

Neither of us is on any medication for our illness, but we both agree that it might be for the best, as the last time she took Prozac she nearly killed herself and has no real desire to go through it again.

Just try and live from day to day, enjoying yourself and each others company as much as possible all the while. I know that it's often extremely hard to do, and is also far easier to say than really take action on, but sometimes it's all a person can say.

this is a crude form of therapy right now- a bunch of people that obviously care, listening and validating the person's issues,concerns and existance.

Without trivializing the situation or telling you to get over it.

I dont think the "good kick in the ass" ever really worked-maybe some people just got over it the hard way-alone and unsure.

And some never got over it.
I fully agree.

The "tough love" approach is all good and well in some cases... that doesn't include depression. Simply having people care, and being accepted is a lot more helpful.

Haha, hopefully you're not regretting things you've said but just remembering I live in the UK... :P

Nah- my own therapy is to try to make other people laugh or gasp. I'm sure I've dropped your jaw once or twice.

You could live across the street from me and this would all be the same.

I certainly will. I don't know how much help I was. But, I gave some words of incouragement. It is refreshing to see that there are still people out there who do believe that love...no matter how rocky the seas may be, will never sink as long as both truly love and care for one another. And I believe Glitziness and Pure Metal are just that...unsinkable in their love and devotion. And a better horizon awaits you two.
I have great faith in him, myself and especially our relationship together. It's extra wonderful to see other people's faith in us :)

I don't know what else to say but thank you - I'm in an emotional mood so I don't know how much it means, but that brought a tear to my eye (in the happy way).

The only thing that I can really think of doing is finding something that you both enjoy and partaking in it as much as possible. For my girlfriend and I, it's going to see music live, so we do that about once a week.
That's definitly something we aim to do - just often practicalities can get in the way, but things are getting easier.

Just try and live from day to day, enjoying yourself and each others company as much as possible all the while. I know that it's often extremely hard to do, and is also far easier to say than really take action on, but sometimes it's all a person can say.
Very true, though one thing I do find hard is trying to do that, while also wanting to give hope for the future and things to look forward to. It's hard to do both...

I have great faith in him, myself and especially our relationship together. It's extra wonderful to see other people's faith in us :)

I don't know what else to say but thank you - I'm in an emotional mood so I don't know how much it means, but that brought a tear to my eye (in the happy way).

I'm glad to have been a voice of hope and encouragement. And I am glad that it is a tear of happiness.There are plenty of people out there who are gentle natured and kind as I'm sure you already know. You've been talking to some of those people on this thread today :)

Nah- my own therapy is to try to make other people laugh or gasp. I'm sure I've dropped your jaw once or twice.

You could live across the street from me and this would all be the same.
And left me with my mouth open?

Nah, I'm more likely to have smiled cheekily...

I'm glad to have been a voice of hope and encouragement. And I am glad that it is a tear of happiness.There are plenty of people out there who are gentle natured and kind as I'm sure you already know. You've been talking to some of those people on this thread today :)
:)
I am generally a very positive and hopeful person - especially after overcoming experiences including depression. The last week seems just to have been built up emotions over a long time of caring and worrying. I have no doubt me and Huw will only grow as a couple and become stronger :)

I do love this forum sometimes - the support and advice and willingness to help is wonderful :)

:)
I am generally a very positive and hopeful person - especially after overcoming experiences including depression. The last week seems just to have been built up emotions over a long time of caring and worrying. I have no doubt me and Huw will only grow as a couple and become stronger :)

I am happy to hear that. I don't doubt it that you two will become an unbreakable couple.

I don't think I've ever seen it like that, or ever seen it as making him "better" or wanting to "improve" him. All my longings for him to be happy are purely for his sake - I love him just the way he is, depression and stress and all and there isn't a single thing I'd change... apart from wanting to change things so it's easier for him.

Of course I support him with the troubles he has, and love him unconditionally and accept him fully as he is.

Maybe I'm missing your point, or maybe you've read me wrong, I'm not sure.

The only problem I have is caring about him and hating to see him hurt and wanting to change that 100% for his sake. I wouldn't see that as being controlling or not accepting him.
if the first sentence is causing you problems then skip it and just re-read the rest

this is how you started your OP
How do I deal with the fact I can't make the person I care about most in the world happy? I can bring happiness into his life, but I can't take away all the pain and all the stresses.

you cant do any of that. his situation is HIS. his moods are HIS. you cant make another person happy. you cant take away his pain; you cant take away his stresses.

to think that you should be able to do any of that is being controlling.

the sooner you can give up the idea of MAKING him happy, the easier it will be to just be his girlfriend and enjoy the times you have together.

you cant do any of that. his situation is HIS. his moods are HIS. you cant make another person happy. you cant take away his pain; you cant take away his stresses.

to think that you should be able to do any of that is being controlling.

the sooner you can give up the idea of MAKING him happy, the easier it will be to just be his girlfriend and enjoy the times you have together.
Hmm, I think I see your point more clearly and that make a lot of sense - thank you :fluffle:

edit: to say more on the matter, I've always hated situations where I was out of control and felt helpless, but I've gradually got a lot better at dealing with them. However, this has been a new situation - seeing someone I care about so deeply hurting - and coming to terms with the lack of control I have is something I've finding hard, but you're definitly right in what say.

First off, you two seem good with each other (which has got to be a good thing!).

Secondly, the best advice anyone can give is, just be there. It's surprising how much strength, both mental and physical, can be gained by just knowing there is another person there that is supportive. Believe me, that's the best thing you can do.

(Sorry if all this has been said before, I only skimmed the thread after the first page, but still, I think my point still stands!)

Good luck to you both!;)

First off, you two seem good with each other (which has got to be a good thing!).

Secondly, the best advice anyone can give is, just be there. It's surprising how much strength, both mental and physical, can be gained by just knowing there is another person there that is supportive. Believe me, that's the best thing you can do.

(Sorry if all this has been said before, I only skimmed the thread after the first page, but still, I think my point still stands!)

Good luck to you both!;)
Thank you :)

And I plan to be there and be as supportive as possible, for a long long time. I do know how much it helps - perhaps I just need the reassurance, from time to time, from him that it does help? I think anyone can understand longing to help someone you care about more though.
:fluffle:

Just try and live from day to day, enjoying yourself and each others company as much as possible all the while. I know that it's often extremely hard to do, and is also far easier to say than really take action on, but sometimes it's all a person can say.

this, i thoroughly agree with, as with the rest. its hard at times, but if you love each other, you'll find a way through it. its certainly 'worth it' (as if there were a question!)
only thing that makes that particular bit i quoted difficult is not being together every day... its the days apart that are hard...


Nah- my own therapy is to try to make other people laugh or gasp. I'm sure I've dropped your jaw once or twice.

she's definately made me drap my jaw a few times... and gasp, too ;) :D



Very true, though one thing I do find hard is trying to do that, while also wanting to give hope for the future and things to look forward to. It's hard to do both...
i'm sorry... a fair bit of that is probably down to the way i feel and how i react to some stuff... can talk about that too if you like :fluffle:



to think that you should be able to do any of that is being controlling.

if thats how you choose to see it, then fine, but i don't. all i can see is a wonderful, kind girl caring so much it hurts at times, just wanting take away the things that make me unhappy and see me happy, and not for her own benefit, but out of her love for me. it really is simple: she sees me unhappy, and that leads to her wanting to make me happy or do what it takes to help stop me from being unhappy, in whatever it takes :fluffle:

i know because i feel the same way about her :fluffle: :)

if thats 'wrong' then i'm quite happy being wrong.

perhaps I just need the reassurance, from time to time, from him that it does help?
i try to reassure you often... not conciously but it just happens that way... when i say what an enjoyable day i've had with you, thats a little bit of reassurance how good you are for me and how much i simply enjoy our time together. when i say how much happier i am with my life now, thats largely because of you, and is a little bit of reassurance of what you do for me and how much you help. when i just say 'thank you' over and over (usually followed by a bunch of 'i love you's' and kisses) thats what i mean... i can't express, sometimes, the gratitude i feel for the changes you've made to me and my life.... they may be small and indirect, but i can't think of many things i say to you that aren't reassurances of how much you help me and how good you are for me... when you see me smile or hear me laugh when i'm with you - guess what? i'm smiling and happy and able to laugh because of you and because i'm with you... every smile and every giggle is just another little way of celebrating this fact that you are simply wonderful for me, and i don't know what i'd do without you :fluffle: :fluffle: :)

this, i thoroughly agree with, as with the rest. its hard at times, but if you love each other, you'll find a way through it. its certainly 'worth it' (as if there were a question!)
only thing that makes that particular bit i quoted difficult is not being together every day... its the days apart that are hard...



she's definately made me drap my jaw a few times... and gasp, too ;) :D


i'm sorry... a fair bit of that is probably down to the way i feel and how i react to some stuff... can talk about that too if you like :fluffle:



if thats how you choose to see it, then fine, but i don't. all i can see is a wonderful, kind girl caring so much it hurts at times, just wanting take away the things that make me unhappy and see me happy, and not for her own benefit, but out of her love for me. it really is simple: she sees me unhappy, and that leads to her wanting to make me happy or do what it takes to help stop me from being unhappy, in whatever it takes :fluffle:

i know because i feel the same way about her :fluffle: :)

if thats 'wrong' then i'm quite happy being wrong.


i try to reassure you often... not conciously but it just happens that way... when i say what an enjoyable day i've had with you, thats a little bit of reassurance how good you are for me and how much i simply enjoy our time together. when i say how much happier i am with my life now, thats largely because of you, and is a little bit of reassurance of what you do for me and how much you help. when i just say 'thank you' over and over (usually followed by a bunch of 'i love you's' and kisses) thats what i mean... i can't express, sometimes, the gratitude i feel for the changes you've made to me and my life.... they may be small and indirect, but i can't think of many things i say to you that aren't reassurances of how much you help me and how good you are for me... when you see me smile or hear me laugh when i'm with you - guess what? i'm smiling and happy and able to laugh because of you and because i'm with you... every smile and every giggle is just another little way of celebrating this fact that you are simply wonderful for me, and i don't know what i'd do without you :fluffle: :fluffle: :)

My experience is that cartwheels are a great way to ensure that someone realizes what a great time you're having. Have you ever, outside of competition, seen anyone do a cartwheel because they were upset or having a bad time? Anyone seen one in the middle of an argument? Anyone ever said "Dang, I'm so mad I just have to do a cartwheel!"? Cartwheels are like candy for the soul. Try one now. If you can do a cartwheel and not recognize how wonderful life is, then, well... I don't know what to say.

My experience is that cartwheels are a great way to ensure that someone realizes what a great time you're having. Have you ever, outside of competition, seen anyone do a cartwheel because they were upset or having a bad time? Anyone seen one in the middle of an argument? Anyone ever said "Dang, I'm so mad I just have to do a cartwheel!"? Cartwheels are like candy for the soul. Try one now. If you can do a cartwheel and not recognize how wonderful life is, then, well... I don't know what to say.
well aside from the 220lbs of man-flab on me, sorta weighing me down from cartwheel-ability, i fear i would either break something in the room, myself, or the whole house, should i even attempt a cartwheel :p

however, i think amy is doing mental cartwheels at the moment :D :p (she should do - she's great! :fluffle: )

i think the same applies to dancing... (but don't get me started...;))

i'm sorry... a fair bit of that is probably down to the way i feel and how i react to some stuff... can talk about that too if you like
You don't need to be sorry - you know that.
I just know that you find thinking about the future hard sometimes... but also that having hope for the future can be great. It's trying to find how to help you see the positive, without leading you to thinking about the negative... I'm more than happy to try and learn with timing and things to be able to find that compromise :)

if thats how you choose to see it, then fine, but i don't. all i can see is a wonderful, kind girl caring so much it hurts at times, just wanting take away the things that make me unhappy and see me happy, and not for her own benefit, but out of her love for me. it really is simple: she sees me unhappy, and that leads to her wanting to make me happy or do what it takes to help stop me from being unhappy, in whatever it takes :fluffle:

i know because i feel the same way about her

if thats 'wrong' then i'm quite happy being wrong.
I'm very glad you see it that way because it's the way I see it - the way it is :fluffle:

The way I took it was more to accept my lack of control on the situation, and also to make sure you do know all the things I said in my reply - that I accept you fully and love you unconditionally :fluffle: :)

i try to reassure you often... not conciously but it just happens that way... when i say what an enjoyable day i've had with you, thats a little bit of reassurance how good you are for me and how much i simply enjoy our time together. when i say how much happier i am with my life now, thats largely because of you, and is a little bit of reassurance of what you do for me and how much you help. when i just say 'thank you' over and over (usually followed by a bunch of 'i love you's' and kisses) thats what i mean... i can't express, sometimes, the gratitude i feel for the changes you've made to me and my life.... they may be small and indirect, but i can't think of many things i say to you that aren't reassurances of how much you help me and how good you are for me... when you see me smile or hear me laugh when i'm with you - guess what? i'm smiling and happy and able to laugh because of you and because i'm with you... every smile and every giggle is just another little way of celebrating this fact that you are simply wonderful for me, and i don't know what i'd do without you
Oh, definitly :fluffle: Everything you mentioned is wonderful and I love hearing you say the things you do, seeing you happy and smiling, hearing you laugh, knowing your appreciation and thanks... it's wonderful and I love that you make it so clear :)

I wasn't clear but I think more what I need is to bring up my bad feelings, and then have them reassured. Otherwise it's easy for me to think that my bad thoughts are still true, and still feel bad. I think I need the direct link of a bad thought being voiced and then having reassurance on it.
It's hard to explain, heh.
Basically, your reassurance in all those ways is wonderful and all those things make me so happy :)
But, when I'm getting like this, it's easy to take in the good stuff and really appreciate it but have the bad stuff still lurking.
I need to actually have the good stuff directly respond and relate to the bad stuff so that it goes away.

So don't think I don't notice and take in and feel wonderful for all the things you mentioned, because it does make me feel fantastic :)
Just, occasionally, I need to bring up negative thoughts and ramble so I can be directly reassured *nods* and you do so wonderfully :fluffle:

oh and...
*dances and does cartwheels* :p

Guys,

Apart from a couple of wiseass jerks, you've gotten some good advice here. Glitz, supporting him is all you can do, and I'm pretty sure he would agree. PM, the rest is up to you. Therapy does help. Believe me, I know. Also, ask about medication if you're not already on something. It can sometimes take awhile to find the right one, but it can be worth it. You sound like you're ready to take this on, so go ahead. Do it, not for her, but for yourself.

Peace

Guys,

Apart from a couple of wiseass jerks, you've gotten some good advice here. Glitz, supporting him is all you can do, and I'm pretty sure he would agree. PM, the rest is up to you. Therapy does help. Believe me, I know. Also, ask about medication if you're not already on something. It can sometimes take awhile to find the right one, but it can be worth it. You sound like you're ready to take this on, so go ahead. Do it, not for her, but for yourself.

Peace
I agree with this.

Oh, and you two? You're both lucky, as you've both got someone who cares deeply for you. Remember that, and continue to be there for each other.

Best of luck!

How do I deal with the fact I can't make the person I care about most in the world happy? I can bring happiness into his life, but I can't take away all the pain and all the stresses.

The main two problems are situation with work/homelife/parents and depression. I can't change his situation, and I can't cure his depression. I can offer my never-ending support and unconditional love, and I do, but... I can't do anything in the real sense of changing how things are. And it's so hard to hear "there's nothing you can do".

My first priority, the one thing always on my mind, the thing my heart aches for and which I have a fierce, burning longing to be able to achieve... I can't.

I can give him time he enjoys and time when he's happy and can feel good about himself and life and the future... but I can't be with him all of the time. I would be, if I could, but it's just not at all possible or practical for the next two years really. All I can do is try and increase time together as much as I can, and make it as valuable as I can.

I just wish there was more I could do. I'd give anything to just solve these problems for him. But I can't, and... how can I possibly accept that or deal with that?
I just hate seeing him suffering and feeling so helpless.
we all hate to see people we love suffer. while it's hard to accept that no one person can remove all problems, you have to know that whomever it is (PM right? didn't read the rest of this thread yet.) has to deal with their problems.

however, he doesn't have to deal with them alone. I believe, that as long as you are by his side and willing to assist in every way possible, he is happy... nay, estatic. as long as there is one person he can count on to be there when he needs to forget about life's problems for a while, he will be happy.

and PM, if you're reading this, don't shut her out. even if it's to sheild her from your problems, let her in, and keep her close.

Guys,

Apart from a couple of wiseass jerks, you've gotten some good advice here. Glitz, supporting him is all you can do, and I'm pretty sure he would agree. PM, the rest is up to you. Therapy does help. Believe me, I know. Also, ask about medication if you're not already on something. It can sometimes take awhile to find the right one, but it can be worth it. You sound like you're ready to take this on, so go ahead. Do it, not for her, but for yourself.

Peace
Indeed.
Thanks for replying :)

I agree with this.

Oh, and you two? You're both lucky, as you've both got someone who cares deeply for you. Remember that, and continue to be there for each other.

Best of luck!
Thank you :) We are both incredibly lucky, and remind ourselves of this regularly :) And there's no doubt in my mind that I shall continue to be there for him, and him for me.

we all hate to see people we love suffer. while it's hard to accept that no one person can remove all problems, you have to know that whomever it is (PM right? didn't read the rest of this thread yet.) has to deal with their problems.

however, he doesn't have to deal with them alone. I believe, that as long as you are by his side and willing to assist in every way possible, he is happy... nay, estatic. as long as there is one person he can count on to be there when he needs to forget about life's problems for a while, he will be happy.

and PM, if you're reading this, don't shut her out. even if it's to sheild her from your problems, let her in, and keep her close.
Indeed - and I've tried to make this as clear to Huw as I can. The thing that would hurt more than anything, would be being totally shut out and unable to help in any way. That's pretty much my nightmare.
And I know that I can help him. I can't do everything, but I can help and make things that bit easier and less lonely. And he can always count on me :fluffle:

(and yes, if you didn't gather by that, it is indeed PM I'm talking about :P)

How do I deal with the fact I can't make the person I care about most in the world happy? I can bring happiness into his life, but I can't take away all the pain and all the stresses.

Learn to accept your own limitations. It is not your job to make somebody else's life perfect.


The main two problems are situation with work/homelife/parents and depression. I can't change his situation, and I can't cure his depression. I can offer my never-ending support and unconditional love, and I do, but... I can't do anything in the real sense of changing how things are. And it's so hard to hear "there's nothing you can do".

Hard to hear, but correct. You can be supportive and offer your help, but you will never be able to wave a magic wand and make it all better. If you cannot deal with that reality then you probably need to take a break from being in relationships for a while and focus on sorting yourself out.


My first priority, the one thing always on my mind, the thing my heart aches for and which I have a fierce, burning longing to be able to achieve... I can't.

You have, aparently, set your heart on a completely unrealistic (and deeply unhealthy) goal. I don't really know what to tell you.


I can give him time he enjoys and time when he's happy and can feel good about himself and life and the future... but I can't be with him all of the time. I would be, if I could, but it's just not at all possible or practical for the next two years really.

Even if you could be with him all of the time, you shouldn't be. The fact that you desire to be with him at all times is an extreme form of infatuation, probably veering into obsession. This is not a safe or stable foundation for a healthy relationship.


All I can do is try and increase time together as much as I can, and make it as valuable as I can.

It's perfectly normal to want to spend tons of time with your romantic partner. It's perfectly normal to want to make your lover happy, and to want to protect him from pain. It is NOT, however, a good idea to try to be with your partner 100% of the time, or to try to "protect" him 100%.

I just wish there was more I could do. I'd give anything to just solve these problems for him. But I can't, and... how can I possibly accept that or deal with that?

I don't know how you can come to accept these things, but I know that you need to accept them. Your obsession can (and probably will) ruin any chance of a healthy relationship if you allow it to continue unchecked. If you really care about this person, and if you really want your relationship to work, then you need to learn how to handle these feelings.

Honestly, you sound like you need to seek some professional help. I'm not saying that to be rude, or intending to insult you in any way, I just think you should try facing these problems with the guidance of a person who has professional training. They aren't going to wave a magic wand for you either, but they may be able to help you work out how to stablize yourself and your relationship.


I just hate seeing him suffering and feeling so helpless.
Not to get all Buddhist on you, but life is suffering. We will always encounter suffering in this world, and so will our loved ones. You will NEVER be able to protect your loved ones from all suffering, and you shouldn't try to do so anyhow.

What you should do is provide your loved ones with care, compassion, support, and as much help as they ask of you. You also should be prepared to hear that they may not want your help, or that there is nothing you can do to help them with a particular problem. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it really, really sucks. But such is life.

Thanks for your reply Bottle.

I'm not sure if this problem is as serious as to warrant professional help - the realities you mentioned, I'm fully aware of, and the vast vast majority of the time I can accept and deal with the situation perfectly fine. Usually, I'm okay with the fact that I can't magically cure everything, and just do what I can to help and am happy with those efforts and with what I can achieve. It's never affected my own feeling of worth, apart from fleeting thoughts which I've dismissed. I can also accept the suffering of people I care about, and can see that it is unavoidable and also necessary for growth.

I also know that, in reality, I don't think I'd ever spend 100% of my time with someone. I know that'd be unhealthy, and I don't think I actually could. Despite time with him being the "best" time, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy and want to spend time with other people or spend time for myself. What I said was more of an abstract thought that I wouldn't put into practice.

I think this was all largely due to letting these feelings build up and grow into something so unrealistic and obsessive and unhealthy. I let these thoughts and feelings stay in my mind, unquestioned, and that's always dangerous. Simply being able to get these feelings and thoughts out of my head and look at things more clearly has been very helpful. As has everyone's responses and perspectives so thank you.

Thank you :) We are both incredibly lucky, and remind ourselves of this regularly :) And there's no doubt in my mind that I shall continue to be there for him, and him for me.
And that's how to get over any problems... that or the following words of stupidity:
"Love is unreasonable, love is madness, but hell, love is the best feeling in the world."
So yeah, any problem just... meh. Do what you can, because that's the best and most you can do for anyone and all that can be expected of you.

And that's how to get over any problems... that or the following words of stupidity:
"Love is unreasonable, love is madness, but hell, love is the best feeling in the world."
So yeah, any problem just... meh. Do what you can, because that's the best and most you can do for anyone and all that can be expected of you.
Haha, great quote :D
And :fluffle: (why do people make so much sense??)

Haha, great quote :D
And :fluffle: (why do people make so much sense??)
Who sid anything about it being quote? Oh, yeah, me. I made it up on the spot though... :D :fluffle:

here's the 'words of wizdom' you're looking for amy :fluffle:
you do help, so much... as i've said to you so many times, i love the part of my life that's with you. i love you. you do make me happy when we're together, and you help me through difficult times and are there for me when i'm alone. i don't know what will make everything good - things never have never really seemed to be - but i think things can be good, even if its a couple of years away :fluffle: in the mean time, lets make the best of things as we can :)
If you don't mind me asking, what are you depressed about? You parents are still alive, aren't they? You have a loving partner, a job and wealth. I just don't understand it.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you depressed about? You parents are still alive, aren't they? You have a loving partner, a job and wealth. I just don't understand it.
Depression isn't logical, mate, like mental illnesses. It arrives and fucks you up completely.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you depressed about? You parents are still alive, aren't they? You have a loving partner, a job and wealth. I just don't understand it.
If he doesn't mind me answering for him...
I think it's partly a chemical thing, partly a learned way of thinking (including low self-confidence, lack of hope for the future, general negative thinking etc - not things that are always there, but which occur fairly often and are often under the surafce), and partly just situation - a lack of social interaction, a job he generally dislikes (but would find it hard to leave due to it being a family thing and having many emotional complications involved in the relationships with parents) and a general homelife he isn't always happy with and feels stuck in, plus general stress on a day-to-day basis which adds to the feelings, and creates a negative outlook.

Though, as Eritrita says, depression isn't logical. Things which wouldn't usually cause these feelings, do with depression - that's what depression is. And all the positives in his life, depression can make you dismiss that, minimise it in your head, not care, or simply not get any hope/enjoyment/etc from it.

Lack of social interaction is easiest to deal with, but it involves sorting the depression first.
If he's in a job he hates, even if its family related, then the family should understand that it not good for him to continue and its making matters worse... plus that isn't going to be good for business. So if he can get them to understand the situation it should make life lots easier.
If its chemical that can be dealt with using some medicinal drugs, get him to go to a doctor for them.
General stress won't be helped by the other factors; nail them and it may well begin to just... disappear; and if it doesn't all go a lot of it should.
And the learned way of thinking... of all people I can tell you that's unshakeable but not enough to make you depressed on its own, it needs other factors to bring it to the fore, and it sounds, Glitziness, like you can end some of those factors; self-esteem, say, just keep telling him how good he is and so on. Not as hard as you might think...

With the job.. that's pretty much how I reacted but I'm starting to understand just how complicated it is and I can honestly say that it is not an easy situation at all. He is working at sorting out a future away from this though. Social interaction kind of links in with this job/homelife... it's also to do with his past and breaking ties with friends that are associated with many bad memories and a bad lifestyle. I have every faith that he will be able to find a life and route to take where he is happy - I just know it'll take time and the change will be hard.

The learned way of thinking you can break out of - I have. Granted, I haven't had as long a life for it to build up, but I still managed to break it down with therapy when it had grown over the vast percentage of my life.

And trust me - building up his self-confidence is one of my highest priorities and aims always in mind, and put into practice as much as I can every day.

With the job.. that's pretty much how I reacted but I'm starting to understand just how complicated it is and I can honestly say that it is not an easy situation at all. He is working at sorting out a future away from this though.
How much more can he do? If he's doing then that's what matters; so long as he's trying, really, that's what is going to help, because it'll end up breaking the problem. Hopefully.
Social interaction kind of links in with this job/homelife... it's also to do with his past and breaking ties with friends that are associated with many bad memories and a bad lifestyle. I have every faith that he will be able to find a life and route to take where he is happy - I just know it'll take time and the change will be hard.
Just keep faith in him and encourage him then.
The learned way of thinking you can break out of - I have. Granted, I haven't had as long a life for it to build up, but I still managed to break it down with therapy when it had grown over the vast percentage of my life.
If you say so.... I'm dubious, and probably younger than you, too [maybe not, rather, the same age]... so I haven't ben through the therapy. Just kinda needed it, really....
And trust me - building up his self-confidence is one of my highest priorities and aims always in mind, and put into practice as much as I can every day.
That's probably the most important of them all, really... it lets him do the rest really....

I do believe that with a different situation (which will take time, but which I'll be here all the while until he can achieve), some professional help (which I'm also helping him with), and the support and love I'm more than happy to give unconditionally, he can be happy and gradually grow self-confidence and a better outlook on life :) There's no chance of me leaving him, or giving up on him.

And I know it isn't something easy to believe, but therapy can honestly make such a huge difference. It isn't easy but it's incredibly valueable and worthwhile and really can work wonders.

I do believe that with a different situation (which will take time, but which I'll be here all the while until he can achieve), some professional help (which I'm also helping him with), and the support and love I'm more than happy to give unconditionally, he can be happy and gradually grow self-confidence and a better outlook on life :) There's no chance of me leaving him, or giving up on him.
That's probably all you can do and you won't have to do much more either.
And I know it isn't something easy to believe, but therapy can honestly make such a huge difference. It isn't easy but it's incredibly valueable and worthwhile and really can work wonders.
Yeah, that's not easy to believe....

Yeah, that's not easy to believe....
I didn't believe it either, so I understand and I know there isn't much I can say.
Have a fluffle instead :fluffle: (and all my best wishes)

If you don't mind me asking, what are you depressed about? You parents are still alive, aren't they? You have a loving partner, a job and wealth. I just don't understand it.
well yes, things are indeed pretty good now - hence why i'm pretty good with things now. nothing like where i was a year ago in terms of situational things that bring me down, and the positive changes in my ways of thinking that have happend since i left uni are largely down to amy's constant support, help, and advice :)

but just because i'm better doesn't mean i'm cured. i don't know if being "cured" is possible, but its taken amy's concern and observation, as well as this thread and talking to other people to convince me that i do still have a problem despite things actually being, in the grand scheme of things, pretty good in my life right now, and that perhaps professional help is what's needed.


i think amy summed up pretty well a lot of the things that do affect me negatively, and a lot of it is complicated and also a lot i've been feeling for some considerable time, like things as a child with my parents making me adopt a really quite negative world view, so i've been thinking in a negative style for as long as i can remember. and i've been depressed in a clinical/major sense for at least 2 years, but i believe to a lesser extent (kinda how i feel now) i was for at least 2 years before that, too. but back then i had school and college and friends to help and distract and things...

anyway, i'm rambling now and i think i lost whatever my point was. i suppose i just wanted to say that what amy said was about right, and i am so glad you understand the way you do :) :fluffle:

I didn't believe it either, so I understand and I know there isn't much I can say.
Have a fluffle instead :fluffle: (and all my best wishes)
Thank you... I may just have to take the idea of therapy up, I guess... and we'll see. Again...
:fluffle:

Thank you... I may just have to take the idea of therapy up, I guess... and we'll see. Again...
:fluffle:
I would definitly reccomend it strongly. It could have such a huge impact.
If you ever need to chat, TG me - I'm more than willing to listen and am someone who's been through this and understands.
Good luck with it all :fluffle:

-snip-
anyway, i'm rambling now and i think i lost whatever my point was. i suppose i just wanted to say that what amy said was about right, and i am so glad you understand the way you do :) :fluffle:
I'm so glad I do understand, and so glad I'm here to help you with your future :) :fluffle:

Well, aside from the nauseating smilies at the end of every sentence, this has been a good read, although it does nothing for my own unhappiness. I myself am insanely depressed, but only at times, and am in a similar personal situation to PM (except that one of the times I'm happiest is at work... not school though). Only, I don't have the obvious love and support of a fine woman to help me. This thread does confirm my suspicions that someone special in my life could make a huge difference.

So thank you, I needed to hear someone elses story.

PM needs to lose that job and make more friends. That will help him. Sacrificing material possessions may make him happier.

I think that's why it's so hard to be with somebody with depression. Unless they're getting help, you're stuck always trying to pull them back from the brink. It's very unnerving.

How do I deal with the fact I can't make the person I care about most in the world happy? I can bring happiness into his life, but I can't take away all the pain and all the stresses.

Sounds to me like the both of you need some professional help. Him to deal with his depression and you to deal with your frustration. Depression is something that can be cured, but it takes professional help to do so. The very best thing you can do is to help him get that professional help and keep giving him your unconditional love. :fluffle:

I haven't read all the posts here, so I don't know if this has been mentioned before, but I'd highly recommend getting in touch with Codependants Anonymous and talk to someone there.

I don't want to suggest that you yourself are codependant, but they are the ones who know best how to accept being powerless over other people. They are dealing with what you describe you're going through on a daily basis, and might be able to help you out.

I sincerly hope you get the help you want!

Give him a Bible, ask the Lord for help and He will give it.

Svalbardania - My pleasure. All I can really say is that there is hope. I know neither one of us ever expected to end up in such a wonderful relationship, with such great support and love. But we did. And so can you *hugs* (no fluffles, just for you!)

PM needs to lose that job and make more friends. That will help him. Sacrificing material possessions may make him happier.
Indeed. But losing the job isn't that simple.

Ile- I don't think I really see it like that... not as "always" being like that, or as being "stuck". Though I do understand your POV.

The very best thing you can do is to help him get that professional help and keep giving him your unconditional love.
And that's what I'll be doing :fluffle:

The Avatars Puppet- Thanks for your reply and concern. That organisation really isn't for me though, mainly because it involves religion and that's of no interest/use to me. Also, many of the concepts and ideas don't relate to me at all.

The State of Georgia - Neither of us are religious, and I don't think that'll be changing anytime soon. Thanks for your concern though.

Indeed. But losing the job isn't that simple.

His family must surely understand if they are told about it. His parents, from what PM has said here, sound like decent folks.

His family must surely understand if they are told about it. His parents, from what PM has said here, sound like decent folks.
they are very decent people :)
and they're beginning to understand, i'm glad to say :)

yet to work out a solution though

Huw, one of my flatmates (and frankly best mates at uneh) suffers from clinical depression. His parents are supportive about it, and he goes to weekly therapy sessions, plus getting a veritable pharmacy of drugs thrown at him (including weaker sleeping pills and benzodiazepines like Valium). However, he feels he talks better with us than he does with his therapist - he's known us for 8 months, his therapist for about 4 years - and his depression tends to cycle between minor and really major. I mean, won't get out of bed, just lies there unresponsive etc. The drugs help only slightly.

I know very little about your current situation, although I'd hope that stopping drinking and getting away from uni would have helped. If you've got someone you can confide in completely, or even almost completely, then the therapy might not help anyway. Have you explored how different dietary supplements work?

It depends what this "therapy" entails. If it's just talking... I don't know.

But actual therapy like cognitive behavioural therapy is very different to talking about things and you do need to see a professional for the kind of help they give and, from my experience, it can be incredibly worthwhile.

Huw, one of my flatmates (and frankly best mates at uneh) suffers from clinical depression. His parents are supportive about it, and he goes to weekly therapy sessions, plus getting a veritable pharmacy of drugs thrown at him (including weaker sleeping pills and benzodiazepines like Valium). However, he feels he talks better with us than he does with his therapist - he's known us for 8 months, his therapist for about 4 years - and his depression tends to cycle between minor and really major. I mean, won't get out of bed, just lies there unresponsive etc. The drugs help only slightly.

I know very little about your current situation, although I'd hope that stopping drinking and getting away from uni would have helped. If you've got someone you can confide in completely, or even almost completely, then the therapy might not help anyway. Have you explored how different dietary supplements work?
oh yes, getting away from uni, the booze and the drugs - not to mention the stress and other things - did really help. i was like your friend you described while i was there... sometimes minor dysthimia and sometimes crippling major depression where i wouldn't leave the bed for days except to use the loo (i always stayed hygenic! proud of that at least :p)

since leaving i've been able to start to turn things round and work out why things got like that, and having amy to talk to and trust completely has helped immeasurably with sorting things out and building confidence :) but now it seems i can only go so far on my own/without direction and while my life is actually pretty good now, i still go through the most intense mood swings and the smallest things can set me off on a path back down to the old feelings i try to block... all leads me to think its either chemical or thinking-pattern related.

anyway, the point is having amy has helped immeasuably, but i need direction and just some professional help now, i think... thanks for your concern :) :fluffle:
(dietary suppliments? well i have vitamin pills and selenium fairly often.... did you have anything specific in mind?)

If it is neurochemistry-related, then the depression will possibly be related to serotonin and noradrenaline production/release in certain areas of your brain (I'm oversimplifying for two reasons; one, I know little about depression beyond basic stuff picked up from articles and two, alot of it is probably superfluous anyway). Wikipedia's list of supplements is fairly good - what can't that site do, honestly - but you need to try each one individually yourself to see if it works for you or not. And make sure you read up on each one properly - I don't mean the blurb either, but about proper studies.

If it is neurochemistry-related, then the depression will possibly be related to serotonin and noradrenaline production/release in certain areas of your brain (I'm oversimplifying for two reasons; one, I know little about depression beyond basic stuff picked up from articles and two, alot of it is probably superfluous anyway). Wikipedia's list of supplements is fairly good - what can't that site do, honestly - but you need to try each one individually yourself to see if it works for you or not. And make sure you read up on each one properly - I don't mean the blurb either, but about proper studies.
don't worry, i'm fairly clued up about the role of seratonin in (some kinds of) depression. in fact, here's the best article i've read about it if you're interested :) (IIRC... looking at it again i'm not too sure... bah) http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro99/web3/Ho.html


selenium is supposedly a 'natural antidepressant' (interestingly it used to be found naturally in bread from the baking process (or something) but cos of restrictions its not any more...), but its not on the list there :(
i have some st johns wort upstairs... i'll try it :)

Hey man, I've only just seen this thread but I thought I'd better chip in :)

My mums been through depression, but hers was more work/stress related, so I don't think it's comparable, but hey, it gives me a clue about what you are talking about.

Anycase mate, all I'd really like to say is, from meeting you and chatting to you on here as well as seeing your photography and stuff, your a cool guy and Glitzy is very lucky to have you (as your are to have Gltizy). You've got talent (your photos rock) and your a great guy to talk to, so although I can't provide much useful help I can provide my best wishes I suppose :D

See, I can be useless and used as a spillage mop for snake bite and black (well done on the 11 months mate!!!), how good am I? ;)


As for Glitziness:

The only thing that I can say is that when I was with my first gf, who also went through depression after an accident and subsequent opperations, I just had to both stand back and be there at the same time. It's hard, I know what you're going through so I'll just say this.

I once thought I couldn't do anything, but thats not true. You'll be there now and I can say with belief that you'll be there when things get as well as they can get. The point is, you'll have been there, and although it may not seem much now, that'll be the greatest contribution you'll make. And it's one of the most important, as I'm sure PM will testify.



That was probably not very helpful, but you guys rock, so I had to say summat :D

Anycase mate, all I'd really like to say is, from meeting you and chatting to you on here as well as seeing your photography and stuff, your a cool guy and Glitzy is very lucky to have you (as your are to have Gltizy). You've got talent (your photos rock) and your a great guy to talk to, so although I can't provide much useful help I can provide my best wishes I suppose :D
Very very true *nods*

And the rest wasn't useless in the slightest. Was good to read and made me smile :) and it's nice to hear from someone who's been there :fluffle:

I think I needed to hear what I already knew from other people - perhaps subconciously I was thinking that accepting that was someone how giving up or failing? I don't know. But this thread, and talks with Huw, have helped greatly :)

Very very true *nods*

And the rest wasn't useless in the slightest. Was good to read and made me smile :) and it's nice to hear from someone who's been there :fluffle:

I think I needed to hear what I already knew from other people - perhaps subconciously I was thinking that accepting that was someone how giving up or failing? I don't know. But this thread, and talks with Huw, have helped greatly :)

Good, glad it had some use :D