NationStates Jolt Archive

Post some humerous statements. Here are some of mine:
-Guns don't kill people. The bullets that come speeding out of the gun barrels kill people. I guess you could beat someone to death with a gun, but why do that when a pipe is cheaper and works as good? Don't tax guns. Tax bullets. Guns can fire many bullets but each bullet can be fired only once.

-Are we working hard or hardly working?

-I wouldn't say you are dumb, but when you took that iq test, scientists discovered the lowest possible number.

-When gas prices match your phone number, area code included, you know gas prices are too high.

-I wouldn't say inflation was too out of control, but gumball machines nowadays accept "easy payment plans".

-You know you weigh too much when China calls you to tell you to quit stomping because the shockwaves tore down their Great Wall.

-I could feel you coming a mile away.

-I wouldn't say you were fat, but when you farted, you took out three city blocks. Seriously, those buildings blew away like leaves. People are complaining because Bush didn't act quickly enough. They put everything within a three mile radius of you in a thick, lead bubble.

This is copywrited, beleive it or not. During this "speech" I ask of you to wave your hands in the air at the mention of "malaysia" or "africa". Thank you. Also, to be said as fast as possible.

Ok, So, first your teeth come out of your mouth, then they are all like "we are going attack and take over MALAYSIA!!!" BUt then. your peace- bringing nose will come out and say "no you are not! i will protect MALAYSIA!" And then, the teeth and the nose will like, have a war and then like, the teeth will die and your nose will be like,"HAHAHA! I know defendedededed MALAYASIA! I will now take over AUSTRALIA!" BUT THEN, your ears will like, run off and say, "MALAYSIA is now ours!!! ahahahahahahhahHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!" And then the world blew up and everyone died. the end.

Umm, that confused me a bit. Did you mean to say Australia?

Ahem, uh, yes i did....

Everyone has a photographic memory...some people just don't have film.

- No matter where you go, there you are.

- Never fret, what ever you seek will be in the last place you look.

- He who stands in front of car gets tired. He who stands in back of car gets exhausted.

- Life is taking a chance. you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in the fan.

- We need bigger guns, we need huge guns, we need BIG FUCKING GUNS!

Rather like Jaques, I have a preponderance of black bile.

Anything by Bill Hicks.

- Never fret, what ever you seek will be in the last place you look.

How scarily true.


- He who stands in front of car gets tired. He who stands in back of car gets exhausted.

I thought if you stood in front of a car you'd get run over.... ;)

Here's somethin' I've been tempted to do on a math test...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v630/Senor_Nb3/answers.gif

What if you look in one other place after finding what you're looking for? Just because...

Gun and Bullets don't kill people. Fatal wounds do.

42

I don't know what i'm doing here.

That's it... i'm done.

- Never fret, what ever you seek will be in the last place you look.
Well, obviously.Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Ergo, it will be in the last place you look.



Sometimes after I've found what I was looking for, I do keep looking. Just so it isn't in the 'last place I looked'.

Here's somethin' I've been tempted to do on a math test...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v630/Senor_Nb3/answers.gif
Oh man, I wish I could've done that for alot of my math tests. :D

Oh man, I wish I could've done that for alot of my math tests. :D

I still have the rest of this semester to do this (my High School Math teacher is VERY humerous) and next semester in college (I believe I have math then...)

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

And my favourite:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

:D

I still have the rest of this semester to do this (my High School Math teacher is VERY humerous) and next semester in college (I believe I have math then...)
there was one humor book I read, called the NSAT= No Sweat Apptitude Test.

one of the math questions was...

you have a 10 gallon water heater that is empty.
there is a pipe attached to fill up the Heater.
the pipe is 3 cm in diameter. and the water flows at 2 pints per minute.

now what sound would the heater make if you hit it with a wrench.
a) Bong
b) Thunk
c) Ding
d) Clank.

A'ight, so nobody gets the 'joke'...

Mission Accomplished-Georgie ;)

A'ight, so nobody gets the 'joke'...
not really, for some reason, I'm thinking "Black Adder" tho.

How scarily true.



I thought if you stood in front of a car you'd get run over.... ;)

Here's somethin' I've been tempted to do on a math test...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v630/Senor_Nb3/answers.gif

Sadly, I know a girl who actually did that.

Sadly, I know a girl who actually did that.

To be funny, or for real?

"The Pope godmodes"

A little something I thought of when I was with some friends and we were talking about godmodding.

not really, for some reason, I'm thinking "Black Adder" tho.
Shakespeare, my good man, Shakespeare!

It's not a quote, just a reference.

Jaques is from "As You Like It", and is described as having a preponderance of black bile (one of the four humours), which makes him melancholy.

The OP asked us to post our "humor" (rather than posting something we found funny), so I posted mine. Black bile, like Jaques.

Yeah, so it's a really geeky joke, I'm mildly disappointed mobody got it....meh...

To be funny, or for real?

For real. That was why it was sad.

For real. That was why it was sad.


Ouch....

The people with the most problems are the ones least equipped to deal with them.

Stupid people scare me. When they are around, I worry that if they were any more dense, they would create a black hole.

Confusius say: Man goes to sleep with itchy ass. Wake up with smelly finger.

Shakespeare, my good man, Shakespeare!

It's not a quote, just a reference.

Jaques is from "As You Like It", and is described as having a preponderance of black bile (one of the four humours), which makes him melancholy.

The OP asked us to post our "humor" (rather than posting something we found funny), so I posted mine. Black bile, like Jaques.

Yeah, so it's a really geeky joke, I'm mildly disappointed mobody got it....meh...ah... never read "As you Like It" yet.

PEBCAK = Problem Exsists Between Chair And Keyboard
MVATOC = Meat Virus Attempting To Operate Computer

ah... never read "As you Like It" yet.

Ah, you should do.

Jaques is the man of "All the world's a stage..." fame.

Probably my favourite Shakespeare character.

Confuscious say: Elevator smells different to midget.

The existence of flamethrowers proves that at some time, in some place, someone said, "You know...I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

No plan is truly foolproof, for there is always a bigger fool.

-A chicken crossed the road? You've got to be joking.
-Pi r^2 or are they round?
-If I stand three miles away from you with a mile-thick pane of glass in the center. If I flashed a flashlight, do you give a damn?
-The rule of marraige: If the wife is right, she's right. If she's wrong, she's right. If the man is right, he's wrong. If the man is wrong, I think he can be sued.
-Before cars, how did we get cuss words? Did cities still get congested with horses? Congested streets are the sources of all bad words.
-If you are a "special" student, the government suddenly cares about you. If you are a "gifted" student, you should already know that the government just humors the "special" students and hates the gifted. After all, without special ed, how would politicians graduate school? They want more political allies and will stop at nothing to make us all stupid. After all, mental retardation leads to a promising political career. Inteligence just gets in the way.
-Intelligence gets in the way of doing. So does thinking. That's why politicians are doers. They're too stupid to think.
-Where's the best place to find political jokes? Washington DC.
-What's another term for political joke? politician
-What's another term for thinking? political suicide.

- He who stands in front of car gets tired. He who stands in back of car gets exhausted.Wonderful! Very punny!

...

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG!

A three legged dog walks into a bar.
he sits on a barstool, and calls the bartender over.
"What can I getcha, Mac?" ,the man asks.
The dog replies, "Im looking for the guy who shot my paw."

Confucius say:
-He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

-Boy meet girl in park: good
Boy park meat in girl: better.

Oh screw it. I was going to post pictures of blood, phlegm, yellow bile and black bile, but I can't find any decent pictures of bile.

Confucius say:
-He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.


Yes, but the man who stands on another mans backside, he is high on crack.

Yes, but the man who stands on another mans backside, he is high on crack.


True, but the man who melts his friends, and slips on the gooey remains, probably trips on acid.

My ultimate goal is for people to look back on my life and be amazed that I never did drugs.

A good prank is something that even the victim should be able to laugh about. ...Someday.

A wild and reckless life gives you great stories to tell your grandkids when you can no longer walk.

If a man shouts in a forest and a woman isn't there to hear him is he still wrong?

The only piece of advice I could give you is "Don't listen to my advice." And you should always listen to my advice.

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

He was said to have the body of a twenty-five year old, although no one knew where he kept it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!

Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth

Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Room Service? Send up a larger room.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

-Yeah, I love Groucho, he's awesome. Snappy retorts are hilarious to me.

Well, since we're doing the classix:
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

http://www.comedy-zone.net/images/people/comedians/marx-groucho.jpg

"I've had a wonderful time...but this wasn't it"

The world.

There it is.

Haha.

Ridiculous, isn't it?