Lonely Hearts
I V Stalin
22-05-2006, 15:56
Here's some real entries from some lonely hearts' columns:
"Angry trollop, 37. Offers?"
"Male, 52. Awful pianist."
"My ideal woman is a man. Sorry mother."
"My hobbies include crying and hating men. F, 29."
"Shy, ugly man, fond of extended periods of self-pity, middle-aged, flatulent and overweight, seeks the impossible."
(And my favourite)
"I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before too long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32. Rarely produces winning metaphors."
Having found these, I (naturally) wondered what NSers would write to advertise themselves in a Lonely Hearts column. And, because I know that so many people just can't resist a poll, I want to know how many have resorted, or might at some point resort, to a singles' column in the hope of finding love. Or just to get laid.
The Gate Builders
22-05-2006, 15:57
Give me your boobies.
Eritrita
22-05-2006, 15:58
"Seeking man, must be able to put up with dick..."
It works on so many levels...
Pure Metal
22-05-2006, 16:13
sensitive, emotional, self-pitying fat git seeks nice things from lady with oodles of patience. serious relationships only. must have own pair of high heels and score 75% plus on dirty-mind test ;)
Biotopia
22-05-2006, 16:20
Haha. I love reading the personals in the local gay-rag. Some of them are very sad eg: the men from the country who are in there every edition. however some of them are very funny for example...
'24 yr old, enjoys outdoors, mature and serious, seeking relationship, must love Harry Potter'
'30, slim, hung, well built, looking for casual meets, call for Nina'
'seeking 18-40yr old, slim, good looking, gsh, provide on lining plastic'
Megaloria
22-05-2006, 16:51
M, 24, prone to freudian slips, seeks f for long wanks on the beach, candlelight dicker for two, and being a breast friend as well as a lover. Lust like pets.
Cluichstan
22-05-2006, 16:53
M, 24, prone to freudian slips, seeks f for long wanks on the beach, candlelight dicker for two, and being a breast friend as well as a lover. Lust like pets.
That's bloody brilliant! :D
What would I write? Hmmm...
"I'll start with any guy that likes Achewood. No Nice Petes or Little Nephews need apply."
Megaloria
22-05-2006, 17:04
What would I write? Hmmm...
"I'll start with any guy that likes Achewood. No Nice Petes or Little Nephews need apply."
I have no idea what you're talking about. It appears there are gaps in my vocabulary. Please pass me the caulking gun of enlightenment.
Forensic Mysteries
22-05-2006, 17:08
Not sure about myself, but I saw a great sign on a Land Rover:
"Land Rover owner seeks woman, for cooking, cleaning. Must have own Land Rover. Please send photo of Land Rover."
I have no idea what you're talking about. It appears there are gaps in my vocabulary. Please pass me the caulking gun of enlightenment.
It's a particularly intelligent but bizarre webcomic. I mentioned two minor characters: Nice Pete is a serial killer, and Little Nephew is a rap-type poseur. Start from the beginning and enjoy watching the next few days speed by unproductively while you catch up on what the citizens of Achewood, California are up to:
www.achewood.com
Megaloria
22-05-2006, 17:18
It's a particularly intelligent but bizarre webcomic. I mentioned two minor characters: Nice Pete is a serial killer, and Little Nephew is a rap-type poseur. Start from the beginning and enjoy watching the next few days speed by unproductively while you catch up on what the citizens of Achewood, California are up to:
www.achewood.com
Okay, I'll give it a whirl. Then maybe I'll ask you out if that was the end result.
The Abomination
22-05-2006, 17:49
Looking for F with a dirty SOH and devilish attitude. Must enjoy world shaking nuclear explosions, metaphorical and otherwise.
Maineiacs
22-05-2006, 17:55
38 year old disabled college(university) student seeks sugar mama.
Steel and Fire
22-05-2006, 17:58
Cynical teenager seeks intelligent and attractive member of either sex, preferably feline or similar species.
Well, not really... I just wouldn't send out an ad in the first place.
"Seeking vagina. Will trade for dick."
Mad Dog Island
22-05-2006, 18:12
What I would put for an ad:
looking for the girl I saw down on the corner. you spoke to me openly through my car window as I stopped at the street lights. nice enough to ask how my night was going. you were dressed up but you seemed to have nowhere to go. saw you get into a car with a big smile on your face. must've been family member. hope you remember me. true love beackons.
Peisandros
22-05-2006, 18:33
Tired male who procastinates constantly seeking like-minded woman to share lack of sleep.. And not because of sex or something.. Just because sleep is gay.
Ladamesansmerci
22-05-2006, 18:41
"My hobbies include crying and hating men. F, 29."
wow...I can so see that being me in 12 years, except change the crying to violent tendencies or something along those lines.
The Nazz
22-05-2006, 18:45
My favorite is still the one I read a few years ago in a local paper:
Jewish lesbian seeks Jewish male for family outings.
Okay, I'll give it a whirl. Then maybe I'll ask you out if that was the end result.
By the time you're done with Achewood, you'll have forgotten all about me.
Introverted, sensitive guy that's not ready for a new relationship yet.
Urm. I chose the "other" option, since I don't think I'd ever consider it, i.e. the answer would be "no"... :p
The Infinite Dunes
22-05-2006, 20:34
haha, those are great. I think'd probably feel compelled to ring these people up and see just what they're really like.
Hmm.. I might actually put an ad in, a really silly one, just to see if it gets an responses.
I V Stalin
22-05-2006, 22:01
Introverted, sensitive guy that's not ready for a new relationship yet.
Urm. I chose the "other" option, since I don't think I'd ever consider it, i.e. the answer would be "no"... :p
You know that feeling you get when you've forgotten something really, really, really simple? Yeah, I've got that now. :p