NationStates Jolt Archive

We all know Mario - the chubby man in red overalls playing Stalin in an alternate universe. He jumps barrels, throws hammers, hell, he even turns into a flippin' statue, but what is his real story? Is he really the happy-go-lucky, evil-fighting plumber we all know and love, or is he an evil homocidal maniac?

Some people might not remember Mario's early days as an upstart hero, a carpenter actually, trying to save his love from a giant loin-cloth wearing ape. His love? Pauline, not Princess Peach. Pauline? Who is that? Exactly my friends, who indeed. Perhaps it was not Donkey Kong who was the villain of the game, but Mario. Has anyone heard from Pauline since her rescue by the carpenter? And what is with the sudden change of profession to a plumber? Change of identity after murdering his former mistress?

Next, let us visit a silly place: outer space. In Super Mario Land, it was Mario's job to rescue one Princess Daisy from a bunch of evil something or other. Evil? Maybe. Or perhaps trying to save the aforementioned princess from Mario's dastardly clutches. After Mario's "victory" in Super Mario Land, Princess Daisy has since disappeared. Perhaps she was kidnapped and murdered again by Mario, who possibly tossed her down the nearest magical tube to be devoured by giant fish, no trace left.

The only one left surviving is Princess Peach, codename TOADSTOOL, who has been saved by a number of Smurf show rejects and a giant lizard who frequently moves her between the hundreds, or thousands, of different castles he owns to keep her safe from Mario's obsessive stalking. One day, Princess Peach may disappear. Maybe she fell into a magic tube, maybe she was eaten by the giant fire breathing lizard, or maybe, just maybe, Mario finally "rescued" her and her body will be found in the basement of a haunted mansion guarded by a Big Boo with the letter "M" painted on the floor in blood.

LOL

Dont forget his addiction to certain mushrooms.......

And then Daisy's ghost started showing up in a variety of different sports.

LOL

Dont forget his addiction to certain mushrooms.......
And Opium. It made him think he could shoot fire out of his hands by making a sound like "ploick."

Some bright note on this sordid story. Princess Daisy is in fact very much alive and is Peach's sister. Of course that only adds more fuel to the rumors regarding what royalty and plumbing have in common late nights...

Unholy snippage
You're missing one vital aspect.

The Sewers.

Consistently, and for no obvious reason, Mario will use the sewer route in order to move from castle to castle, when it is perfectly clear that there is no possibility of the princess he searches for being in any of them.

You might say "But he's a plumber!"

Since when did plumbers enjoy using the sewer as a method of transportation?!?

It seems apparently clear that here we have a man who, without hesitation, dives into sewer pipes, making use of them as a method of transport. Not only are there questions on his state of mental health, but there is also the matter of how the heck he manoevres in those things.

Now let's look at the other side of the story. The princess Toadstool is quite definitely human, despite living in a world of freaks. Why is this? Surely, other humans must exist. It is not unreasonable to make the suggestion that the human race has a sort of innate authority in the Mushroom Kingdom out of virtue of their apparent scarsity.

What else lives there? Mushrooms, fish and reptiles. That's it.

Why, I ask, would mushrooms, fish and reptiles need a f**king sewer system? In short, does the entire Mushroom Kingdom water supply exist to provide adequate piping for the needs of a bare few human beings?

Now that is suspicious.

My theory is that, in the world of Mario, we are not being shown the whole story. What we are seeing is a subtle attempt to change the protagonist and antagonists of the tale.

The character of Mario is, in truth, a fire-breathing lizard.

A lizard who, eluding the wily soldiers of the kingdom, managed to sneak into the castle of the (human) king Koopa, defeat him in combat and take his daughter.

The story has, as a result of time and legend, been changed in an act of malevolence towards these reptiles and the story given a happy ending.

Next, let us visit a silly place: outer space. In Super Mario Land, it was Mario's job to rescue one Princess Daisy from a bunch of evil something or other. Evil? Maybe. Or perhaps trying to save the aforementioned princess from Mario's dastardly clutches. After Mario's "victory" in Super Mario Land, Princess Daisy has since disappeared. Perhaps she was kidnapped and murdered again by Mario, who possibly tossed her down the nearest magical tube to be devoured by giant fish, no trace left.
Daisy has appeared in several games since then. :P

Daisy has appeared in several games since then. :P

Daisy's Ghost (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=11000597&postcount=3)

no way i will not have you bad mouth Mario , he is first true game god ! , long live Mario !!!!!!

no way i will not have you bad mouth Mario , he is first true game god ! , long live Mario !!!!!!
I think he's long dead. I imagine he was probably dropped into a pit of lava once captured by the mushroom kingdom, as per the tale of what supposedly happened to Koopa.

Mario killed my mother and took her money to buy shrooms :mad:

http://supercommiobrothers.ytmnd.com/

Mario is a damn Bolshevik http://www.aethiamud.org/communist_mario/

We all know Mario - the chubby man in red overalls playing Stalin in an alternate universe. He jumps barrels, throws hammers, hell, he even turns into a flippin' statue, but what is his real story? Is he really the happy-go-lucky, evil-fighting plumber we all know and love, or is he an evil homocidal maniac?

Some people might not remember Mario's early days as an upstart hero, a carpenter actually, trying to save his love from a giant loin-cloth wearing ape. His love? Pauline, not Princess Peach. Pauline? Who is that? Exactly my friends, who indeed. Perhaps it was not Donkey Kong who was the villain of the game, but Mario. Has anyone heard from Pauline since her rescue by the carpenter? And what is with the sudden change of profession to a plumber? Change of identity after murdering his former mistress?

Next, let us visit a silly place: outer space. In Super Mario Land, it was Mario's job to rescue one Princess Daisy from a bunch of evil something or other. Evil? Maybe. Or perhaps trying to save the aforementioned princess from Mario's dastardly clutches. After Mario's "victory" in Super Mario Land, Princess Daisy has since disappeared. Perhaps she was kidnapped and murdered again by Mario, who possibly tossed her down the nearest magical tube to be devoured by giant fish, no trace left.

The only one left surviving is Princess Peach, codename TOADSTOOL, who has been saved by a number of Smurf show rejects and a giant lizard who frequently moves her between the hundreds, or thousands, of different castles he owns to keep her safe from Mario's obsessive stalking. One day, Princess Peach may disappear. Maybe she fell into a magic tube, maybe she was eaten by the giant fire breathing lizard, or maybe, just maybe, Mario finally "rescued" her and her body will be found in the basement of a haunted mansion guarded by a Big Boo with the letter "M" painted on the floor in blood.

Hmm...let thought of it that way. *Throws out Super Mario World*

Mario is a damn Bolshevik http://www.aethiamud.org/communist_mario/

So why does he hoard all those coins and buy himself extra lives instead of distributing them to the proleteriats?

Mario's too rich to be a Commie.

:p

So why does he hoard all those coins and buy himself extra lives instead of distributing them to the proleteriats?





Because hes a hypocrite as well.

We are forgetting the real hero in all of this, the long-suffering younger brother, Luigi Mario.

Second sons have it hard, never getting the credit they are due. In the SMB movie, we got a glimpse of Luigi's heroism, and discovered that it was he who was in love with Daisy.

It is clear what really happened:

Mario saw his younger brother making time with Daisy, and then sought out his revenge by stealing Luigi's extra lives in the SNES game, and kidnapping Daisy for his own perverted pleasures. Now Daisy has fallen off the edge of the 2-D world, and Luigi is practically a slave to his brother's whims, when Luigi gets airtime at all. Mario probably keeps him locked up with Yoshi, who is the most underappreciated remaining dinosaur since the ones in Jurassic Park.

I agree with you, Mario is freaking insane. LET HER GO!!