NationStates Jolt Archive

You know... like:

There once was a man from Lyme
who married for the third time
when asked why the third
he said, "one's absurd and bigomy, my friend, is a crime"

or

There once was a woman named smunkee
who's husband resembled a monkey
he was covered in hair
was big as a bear
but his belly was kind of chunky.

There once was an artist named Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint

there was a man from dundee
who molested an ape in a tree
the result was most horrid
all ass and no forhead
three balls and a purple goatee


...And many more where that came from.:D

I thought that said know any good Lumberjacks for a minute and considered whether or not I even knew any lumberjacks.

There was an old lady from Clyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Her short-sighted brother
Fell down another
The verdict was sewer-icide


Awful I know, but fantastic nonetheless :D

There once was a man from Nantucket...


...


Ok, so I don't know any good limericks. Sheesh! :rolleyes:

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

Once while I swam in the sea.
I felt that I might have to pee.
I let loose with a sigh
A big fish then did cry
Not once did I pee on your beach!

There once was a lady from Wight.
Who traveled much faster than light.
She departed one day
In a relative way
And arrived on the previous night.

- Stephen Hawking

There once was a man in Peru,
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up with a fright,
In the middle of the night,
To find that his dream had come true!

Or replace "man in Peru" with "horse in Milwaukee" and then replace "shoe" with "jockey."

There was a young man from Belgrave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save

There one was a man from Japan,
Whose lines just didn't scan,
When told this was so,
He said, "yes, I know,
But I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

And I don't care if it's not very good.

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

The once was a young man from Bengal
Who was asked to a fancy dress ball
He said he would risk it
And went as a biscut
But a dog ate him up in the hall

A nudist resort in Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.

There was a young parson named Bings,
Who talked about God and such things;
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir,
With a bottom like jelly on springs.

There once was a fellow named Brett
Loved a girl in his shiny Corvette;
We know it's absurd
But the last that we heard
They hadn't untangled them yet.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
Wiping c__ from his chin,
"If my ear were a c___, I could f___ it."

There once was a man from Bel Aire
Who was f___ing his wife on a stair.
The bannister broke
So he quickened his stroke
And finished her off in midair.

Another man from Bel Aire
For some reason was f___ing a bear.
But the bear just got mad
And took a swipe at his nads.
Now he has nothing but hair.

Your mom was visiting Reno
And lost all her money playing keno.
So she lay on her back
And opened her crack
And now she owns the casino.

There once was a man from Nantucket...



This one bothers me because no one ever finishes it. Sure, I could speculate on what the second line is, but how does it END!?!?

I also like the one from ST:TNG
Data:
There once was a lady from Venus
whose body was shaped like a ...

Everyone Else on the Bridge:
DATA!

This one bothers me because no one ever finishes it. Sure, I could speculate on what the second line is, but how does it END!?!?

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter, named Nan
Ran away with a man
And, as for the bucket, Nantucket

Myself, my favorite limericks are the "coordinated orthography" kind, where all of the rhyming words are spelled the same way. For example - I've seen this one attributed to Mark Twain:

A man hired by John Smith and co.
Loudly declared that he would tho.
Man that he saw
Dumping dirt near his store.
The drivers, therefore, didn't do.

And another:

There was a young curate from Salisbury*
Whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury
He would wander 'round Hampshire**
Without any pampshire
Till the vicar compelled him to walisbury.

* Pronounced "Sarum"
* Pronounced "Hants"

There once was a woman from Gaul,
wore a newspaper dress to a ball,
but the dress caught on fire,
and burned her attire,
front page, sporting section and all.

There once was a woman call hardwick
by a cricket ball she was struck
now on her toombstone reads
hardwick, hard ball, hard luck

There was an old lady from Clyde
Of eating green apples she died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider
inside her
insides

"He drinks a pina colada
And dances a mean lambada"
Who is this guy?
you ask with a sigh,
of course it is Eric Estrada

:confused:

All the good ones I know would violate the Terms of Service.

There was a young girl from Coleshill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

This one bothers me because no one ever finishes it. Sure, I could speculate on what the second line is, but how does it END!?!?right after I posted the whole thing minus three words that would get me banned

This one bothers me because no one ever finishes it. Sure, I could speculate on what the second line is, but how does it END!?!?

I also like the one from ST:TNG
Data:
There once was a lady from Venus
whose body was shaped like a ...

Everyone Else on the Bridge:
DATA!
You're slightly off there.

Data: And there was a rather pecular limerick from someone on the shuttlecraft deck. "There once was a lady from Venus. Whose body was shaped like a..."

Picard: (Loudly intrupting) "Captain to security!"

Data: Did I say something wrong?

Worf: I have never understood their humor.

Old fav:

There once was a man from Nash
Whose balls were made out of brass
And when they clanged together
They sounded like thunder
And lightning shot out of his a__.

Two men stuck together with glue
And one came down with the flu
He sneezed on the other
Who was apparently his brother
Yet all of this is untrue

Its a crappy one that took me 5 minutes to write.

My roommate and I wrote this one last year while living in a home without flush plumbing (it's kind of the norm where we live/teach). We used a "honey bucket," which is... well... if you're curious, just search for it on wikipedia. I won't subject you to an in-depth description, just the poetry:

There once was a bucket of honey,
Whose contents were sadly quite runny.
I opined with a shout, "OH I MUST TAKE IT OUT!"
And emptied it quick as a bunny.

There once was a woman from Illing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the cieling.

There once was a prostitute from Crew
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in"
"They can pay to get out again, too"

There once was a man from Nantucket...


...


Ok, so I don't know any good limericks. Sheesh! :rolleyes:
you took mine! rotlfmao

There was a women from South Carolina,
Tied Fiddlestrings 'cross her vagina,
What once was sex,
then became Bachs,
Toccata and Fugue in G minor.

With thanks to Issac Asimov there.

And: The Alien Limerick Generator! (http://www.herald.co.uk/cgi-bin/limerick.pl?)