NationStates Jolt Archive

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being horrible and 9 being average, rate my comedy.

Is it me or has stupidity replaced not-as-stupid-but-still-pretty-ratarded as the most common thing around? This week, I saw five kids almost get run over by my mom. Was she a bad driver? Hell no. These "special" kids ran in front of her car. Guess what kiddos? You are not invincible. My mom was going the speed limit. These kids ran in front of her car. I don't know if they forgot the "don't run directly in front of fast-moving traffic, idiot" rule or if they're looking for some quick cash from lawsuits. I don't know. I'm willing to bet that I have a better chance of surviving a direct hit from a nuclear missile by standing in its path than these kids have surviving their own stupidity.

Then, there's this episode of Murray. These stupid mothers have fat kids. I'm not talking a bit overweight. These toddlers were obese by ADULT standards. 100 pound 1 year olds. 250 pound kindergarteners. And these aren't tall 10 foot tall kids. My legs are taller than they are. Their mothers claim that "denying" them all that food is child abuse. No, feeding them nothing but pizza, donuts, and soda is child abuse. Feeding them vegis is what is called "parenting". It's also known as "not killing them". You could pass those kids off as dwarf sumo wrestlers. One of them must be the long-lost 8th dwarf-Sumo-y.

Then, you have elections. People complain that Bush and Dick "quick-draw" Cheney beat John "flip-flop" Kerry over a year ago. Get over yourselves. Either way, the world is screwed. And no, Bush isn't going to be president forever. Get over it. WE have an amendment that says that he's out by 2008 no matter what.

Now, on to Roe v. Wade. Both extremes don't know what the average woman thinks and feels. She's not going to blow up abortian clinics, but she also doesn't consider abotian as her #1 hobby. She's not a wacko. She also doesn't have targets drawn on her pictures of her kids. The average two year old boy knows more about women than either extreme.

Enough with politics, now on to other stuff.

Ever notice how the movies and games you kinda like or kinda hate get sequals. I kinda liked Bambi. Now, it has a crappy sequal. I liked the Land before Time. They're running out of roman numerals for that one. The Lion King was a great movie. It's sequal was cheesy and LK1 1/2 was the worst comedy I ever saw. I hate Megaman. In the last 6 years, Capcom released no less than 21 Megaman games. I liked Mario PArty. I hate Mario Party 4 and the latest one set new records for low review scores. What's with sequalitis? As if the first ET game wasn't enough, we have many of them. All of them suck harder than a black hole. "I hate this" does not mean "Go ahead. Make a sequal. I need all the excuses for suicide that I can get." We need something fresh once in a while. Nintendo kinda delivered. Sure, we've still got Mario this and poke-that. But with Pikmin, Wii, DS, etc? Aren't those enough for us?

Which brings me to my next point. What's wrong with Wii? It sounds new and looks like a foreign word. It doesn't sound as cliched as "Gamecube" or "Xbox". It doesn't sound as toyish as "Playstation" or "Gamecube". Also, it looks sexier than the 360 "modem" or the PS3 "grill". It's small. It's got a weird name. It looks shiny. It's controller may look like a remote, but it plays like something out of a sci-fi movie. I can play Super Mario Bros. on it. Not Super MArio Bros. Sequal Game Thingy. Super Mario "NES" Bros. I mean, with all these easy games nowadays, that game is a welcome change. How many people here can beat that entire game multiple times in a row without taking damage or losing a life? How many can tie the world record for world 4-1(40 seconds)? I can and did. How many people here beat Metroid(NES original)? I did. How many people here have unlocked every level in Yoshi's Island? I have. I need a decent challenge now. People nowadays complain that games nowadays are hard. Give me a break. Beating the original Super MArio Bros. is hard. Breaking a rold record is hard. Halo is easy compared to the games I play. Final Fantasy X isn't anywhere near as hard as the original. Call of Duty is easy. Of course, with retards swimming with gators and running in front of cars, it's no wonder today's games are "hard". Earlier games were designed for a youth that could read. It was for a time when kids knew the dangers of busy highways. Nope. Those smarter kids are probably trying to keep their kids alive. I blame stupidity. What else could explain death by jumping in front of cars with no suicidal intent?

And now on to my family. My older brother wants my parents to get him a car. He doesn't want cheap, but durable cars. He wants a porche. He doesn't get the concept of "we don't have the freak'n money". However, he does know friends who did get what they wanted. Maybe because they downgraded their wishes to "affordable". Of course, he's almost done with his freshman year in college. congrats to him. I didn't know they lowered their standards. They might just have wanted to get rid of him. You know, "next teacher's problem". At least I know why Nevada tests scores are low. Teachers passing kids to "not hurt their feelings". Like not being able to get a job won't hurt their feelings. Like not being able to read "Cat in the Hat" will help their self-esteem issues.

Is this bad for a first try?

Sounds pretty bitter.

Agreed.

I prefer happy comedy.

One thing I would recommend altering: try to make the transition between topics smoother. If it flows better, it will sound better, and maybe grip your audience's attention more.

One thing I would recommend altering: try to make the transition between topics smoother. If it flows better, it will sound better, and maybe grip your audience's attention more.I agree

Try to avoid things like
"Is it just me, .."
"Then, there's .."
"Now, on to .."
"Ever notice .."
"Which brings me to .."

At least use it less, and not as transition between entirely different topics. Unless you want to parody it.

"Ever notice how some standup comedians switch topics?
'I really like pie. Pie is great, isn't it? Which brings me to geopolitical relations' "

while I don't mind sarcastic humor or even biting humor, this seems more like a rant. it's more of a put down than humor.

I give it a 4. you could be better, but while I didn't laugh, I neither got angry nor sad.

If you could cultivate the "grumpy little bastard" persona, this would work pretty well as a stand-up type piece. Doesn't work so well as written comedy. Also, the end, where you're banging on about video games, doesn't really fit with the rest in tone. Maybe talk less about how super-amazing you are.

wacka wacka, Fozzy Bear.

This kind of thing is persona-driven, so it's difficult to tell written down. The "rant about how everyone's stupid" is also kind of old. But: where are the jokes?

First bit: people are stupid. Ok...and? Second bit: people are fat. Ok...and? Third bit: Bush won. Ok...and? Fourth bit: abortion debates are fucking stupid. Ok...and? It seems like you're identifying things that we'd all notice - which is good in terms of setting up observation comedy - but then that's it. You're not actually making any jokes.

So I wouldn't rate it highly.

I see no humour in you going on about how good you are at whatever game. How is that funny?

If you really want to be funny, you have to talk more about farts and vaginas. And vagina farts.

Although to be honest, those aren't as funny as normal, anal farts. One because they don't smell, two because they're not as common, and three because anal farts are really about poop, and poop is funny. Vagina farts are more about sex, and sex isn't as funny unless it involves poop.

are you trying to be a comedian? the kids almost getting hit wasnt funny at all. its the drivers responsibility to make sure they dont hit people. cause cars are big and metal and crush people easily. also using cars should be discourage. using bikes and walking is healthier. buses are beter for enviroment. but then again if you are american, caring for the enviroment is something you guys dont like to do.

While what you're talking about is funny, you're not being funny. You're just telling us about stuff we see everyday but you're not showing us the funny.

And try to talk about what people see on a normal, daily basis. Such as the whole obesity thing, Bush/Cheney, etc. etc.

And work on the transitions. They were too...sudden.

Although for a first try, you're getting there. People usually suck when they start trying to be funny. Humor is something that just happens. When you try and force it, it's not funny.

Hence, situational comedy.

are you trying to be a comedian? the kids almost getting hit wasnt funny at all. its the drivers responsibility to make sure they dont hit people. cause cars are big and metal and crush people easily. also using cars should be discourage. using bikes and walking is healthier. buses are beter for enviroment. but then again if you are american, caring for the enviroment is something you guys dont like to do.
Now see, these are the types of people comedians love. They take a joke (however funny or unfunny it may be), throw it out of proportion, and look completly awkward and out of place in the process, and the only thing anyone has to do to humorize the situation is direct all attention to the guy waving his hands going "WTF IS THIS SHIT! AMERICANS = BAD!"

Simply not funny, just bland observations.


A child molestor and an eight-year-old girl are walking through the woods late at night.

The girl starts crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the child molestor.

"I'm scared." the girl whimpers tearfully.

"You're scared?!" he exclaims, "I'm the one who's got to walk back on my own!"


You can have that one son :D

Yeah, you do tend to rant a bit. I think you're going for dry humour, but you need to do a little more work to get there. You need to throw in a few light hearted bits, otherwise people will just consider it a rant.

What was good is your linked in previous subject with one you were currently talking about. The more suddenly you link in a previous the more laughs it will get.

You got the gist of comedy, but you haven't quite made it work.

I've always found that what makes real comedy is not so much what is said, but the way it is said. That makes it hard for me to judge how good your attempt was. In my experiences I have found that even the stupidest thing can become funny if it is said the right way, by the right person. Work harder on your presentation than your material.

what's black and slides down Nelson's Column?

Winnie Mandela

"You're scared?!" he exclaims, "I'm the one who's got to walk back on my own!"



I promise, this joke is making the rounds in some of the coolest circles in Chicago. I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't. Promise.

Sorry, but there was nothing funny there at all. As far as I could see, you were just telling some random stories. It didn't even make me smile, let alone laugh.

"5 Dead 'n' Fat"
Adapted from your original post. (I gave you a 3. Feel free to give me something.)

Stupid people have lost the will to live. I saw a bunch of fat kids run out in front of my mother's moving car. I thought, "I don't want to clean fat kid out of my mother's grill" I hate fat kids. I think they're fat, and I hate them.

I would like to conduct a seminar, on the "don't run directly in front of fast-moving traffic, idiot rule." I would serve punch. And tea cookies. And hummus, maybe, hummus. And the fat kids wouldn't be allowed to come. Because they would eat all the food. And I'd hate them even more.

So they cannot come to my seminar. And they will likely continue to run brazenly into the road. Perhaps after their balls.

Whatever they're after, we all stand a better chance of surviving a nuclear missile strike than these kids have surviving their own stupidity.

Then again, we're all gonna die at the hands of the Terrorists, right?
Right? At least that's what Dick keeps telling us from the undisclosed location.

Don't ever sneak up on Dick Cheney at the undisclosed location. Not unless you have a strong heart, and a very forgiving nature. People with bad backs, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, autism, cerebral palsey, AIDS, SARS, SIDS, nursing and pregant women should never sneak up on Dick Cheney.

Ever.

It's like poking a bear with a racoon, except the bear has a shotgun and the President's balls. In his hands already. Which is why he never runs out into the street. And no one can hit him with their cars.

I think bears holding shotguns should become the new spokespeople for the Pro-Life movement. They could ask scruples questions like, "Hey! Pregnant woman--? Would you rather have an abortion or get shot in the face by a bear with a shotgun?"

Or Dick Cheney could ask them, either way.

Then we'd really learn something about what women think.

Which I clearly don't. I play a lot of video games.

I don't know what my mother thought when the fat kids ran out in front of her, maybe it was, "man, those kids have balls." But my mom doesn't think about balls, too often, or maybe she--nevermind. She stopped the car. Everyone lives.

I know what my brother would have been thinking though, "it's too late to stop. I'm lucky I couldn't afford the Porsche." Dick Cheney would have probably thought, "Dinner."

Either way there'd be 5 dead fat kids.

(pause.)

I'm hungry.

"5 Dead 'n' Fat"
Adapted from your original post. (I gave you a 3. Feel free to give me something.)

Stupid people have lost the will to live. I saw a bunch of fat kids run out in front of my mother's moving car. I thought, "I don't want to clean fat kid out of my mother's grill" I hate fat kids. I think they're fat, and I hate them.

[snip]


methinks you are trying to channel Dennis Leary. (6)

*Applauds*
Nice continuity :)

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being horrible and 9 being average, rate my comedy.

Is it me or has stupidity replaced not-as-stupid-but-still-pretty-ratarded as the most common thing around? This week, I saw five kids almost get run over by my mom. Was she a bad driver? Hell no. These "special" kids ran in front of her car. Guess what kiddos? You are not invincible. My mom was going the speed limit. These kids ran in front of her car. I don't know if they forgot the "don't run directly in front of fast-moving traffic, idiot" rule or if they're looking for some quick cash from lawsuits. I don't know. I'm willing to bet that I have a better chance of surviving a direct hit from a nuclear missile by standing in its path than these kids have surviving their own stupidity.

Then, there's this episode of Murray. These stupid mothers have fat kids. I'm not talking a bit overweight. These toddlers were obese by ADULT standards. 100 pound 1 year olds. 250 pound kindergarteners. And these aren't tall 10 foot tall kids. My legs are taller than they are. Their mothers claim that "denying" them all that food is child abuse. No, feeding them nothing but pizza, donuts, and soda is child abuse. Feeding them vegis is what is called "parenting". It's also known as "not killing them". You could pass those kids off as dwarf sumo wrestlers. One of them must be the long-lost 8th dwarf-Sumo-y.

Then, you have elections. People complain that Bush and Dick "quick-draw" Cheney beat John "flip-flop" Kerry over a year ago. Get over yourselves. Either way, the world is screwed. And no, Bush isn't going to be president forever. Get over it. WE have an amendment that says that he's out by 2008 no matter what.

Now, on to Roe v. Wade. Both extremes don't know what the average woman thinks and feels. She's not going to blow up abortian clinics, but she also doesn't consider abotian as her #1 hobby. She's not a wacko. She also doesn't have targets drawn on her pictures of her kids. The average two year old boy knows more about women than either extreme.

Enough with politics, now on to other stuff.

Ever notice how the movies and games you kinda like or kinda hate get sequals. I kinda liked Bambi. Now, it has a crappy sequal. I liked the Land before Time. They're running out of roman numerals for that one. The Lion King was a great movie. It's sequal was cheesy and LK1 1/2 was the worst comedy I ever saw. I hate Megaman. In the last 6 years, Capcom released no less than 21 Megaman games. I liked Mario PArty. I hate Mario Party 4 and the latest one set new records for low review scores. What's with sequalitis? As if the first ET game wasn't enough, we have many of them. All of them suck harder than a black hole. "I hate this" does not mean "Go ahead. Make a sequal. I need all the excuses for suicide that I can get." We need something fresh once in a while. Nintendo kinda delivered. Sure, we've still got Mario this and poke-that. But with Pikmin, Wii, DS, etc? Aren't those enough for us?

Which brings me to my next point. What's wrong with Wii? It sounds new and looks like a foreign word. It doesn't sound as cliched as "Gamecube" or "Xbox". It doesn't sound as toyish as "Playstation" or "Gamecube". Also, it looks sexier than the 360 "modem" or the PS3 "grill". It's small. It's got a weird name. It looks shiny. It's controller may look like a remote, but it plays like something out of a sci-fi movie. I can play Super Mario Bros. on it. Not Super MArio Bros. Sequal Game Thingy. Super Mario "NES" Bros. I mean, with all these easy games nowadays, that game is a welcome change. How many people here can beat that entire game multiple times in a row without taking damage or losing a life? How many can tie the world record for world 4-1(40 seconds)? I can and did. How many people here beat Metroid(NES original)? I did. How many people here have unlocked every level in Yoshi's Island? I have. I need a decent challenge now. People nowadays complain that games nowadays are hard. Give me a break. Beating the original Super MArio Bros. is hard. Breaking a rold record is hard. Halo is easy compared to the games I play. Final Fantasy X isn't anywhere near as hard as the original. Call of Duty is easy. Of course, with retards swimming with gators and running in front of cars, it's no wonder today's games are "hard". Earlier games were designed for a youth that could read. It was for a time when kids knew the dangers of busy highways. Nope. Those smarter kids are probably trying to keep their kids alive. I blame stupidity. What else could explain death by jumping in front of cars with no suicidal intent?

And now on to my family. My older brother wants my parents to get him a car. He doesn't want cheap, but durable cars. He wants a porche. He doesn't get the concept of "we don't have the freak'n money". However, he does know friends who did get what they wanted. Maybe because they downgraded their wishes to "affordable". Of course, he's almost done with his freshman year in college. congrats to him. I didn't know they lowered their standards. They might just have wanted to get rid of him. You know, "next teacher's problem". At least I know why Nevada tests scores are low. Teachers passing kids to "not hurt their feelings". Like not being able to get a job won't hurt their feelings. Like not being able to read "Cat in the Hat" will help their self-esteem issues.

Is this bad for a first try?Yawn.........whose that fat grumpy man with the red face mummy?

He's the warm up man for the death of comedy.

Good first try, have to agree with the random subject changing though...

I also got VERY turned off by the statement "Ever notice how the movies and games you kinda like or kinda hate get sequals".

Generally up to that point you put yourself very much in the vein of comics who try to point out the idiocy of others, this can be very funny (Bill Hicks is greatest comic ever IN MY OPINION), but you need to constantly maintain standards for yourself, which is why these comics tend to recycle a lot of material, its safe and they're less likely to screw up.

After the above statement you have a list movie I like with sequal, movie I hate with sequal.....when really your point is that you hate crappy sequals, make comedy from your points and leave out ambiguous statements that really look like "flip-flopping" which you yourself proffess to hate.

From that point on you dip a bit as the gaming part comes off a bit preachy and "look at all my achievements", but then again I think all comics need a certain insecurity and affirmation so I can go with that. It continues to rise again at the end but the whole family part just feels like its missing a certain punch to it.

One thing you are really missing I think is integration. No I dont mean finding the areas under curves (ok, I have a maths degree), I mean knitting your piece together. This should be done in two ways, the main one is the already mentioned flow between paragraphs, but (I feel) more importantly is cross referencing to get the audience involved.

For example, at the end you are talking about the school system pushing out unready kids and you really set up a link to the beginning with kids infront of cars but didn't use it!! A real master of this kind of link is Eddie Izzard.

Generally good, if a bit cynical.

I would have to agree with most other posters. This seems to be a series of rants. I also agree with New Maastricht on how a lot of comedy like this works more because of delivery than because of the subject.

If I was to think of myself as a comedian (and I don't really, but sometimes I get laughs) then it would be the situational comedian that Colodia was talking about. Indeed, I had a dream not too long ago where I went up on stage as a comedy act. Granted, you can't take a dream to mean a whole lot, else I'd be fearing for my life since some gunmen plan on surrounding my house and taking me down...but I digress. In the dream, I stood on the stage, and my mind was blank. It was blank because I was standing there thinking "What the hell am I doing on a stage?" but also because I was thinking "Quick, say a joke...anything...alright, it doesn't need to be a joke, just say something, ANYTHING!" (those of you that have watched that friends episode with Denise Richards will be able to put Ross' Delivery in to that).
The point of that long story was that if you force it, nothing happens. Quite the inverse of farting in fact. Force yourself to let rip and you might find something a whole lot different coming along (as you can see, Santa Barbara's reply is playing on my mind). Force yourself with comedy, and it falls apart completely.

Written comedy works in a different way, and I can't describe it. I find that most of the time I laugh at the absudity of the situation or the way the situation itself is described. For example, a situation that somehow ends up with two people not expecting one another to be in the position, and the author is describing that excrutiatingly long pause that everyone has gone through at one point or another.
My own example of such a situation is something that happened to me a while back. I was sitting downstairs playing music, browsing the Internet. My sister was upstairs, and had been for a while. As I'm sitting there, I manage to hear over my music some fairly interesting noises, which one would politely describe as two women agreeing with each other very loudly. Checking that it wasn't my laptop making the noises, I realised they were coming from the television upstairs. As any normal red-blooded male does, I went to investigate.
I headed upstairs, and the first thing I noticed was that my sister had done her usual trick of falling asleep in front of the television. The next thing I noticed was that there appeared to be some kind of lesbian porn on the television, and this was indeed the source of the noise that I had heard downstairs.
Realising that my sister had most probably fallen asleep before the porn had started, I went to switch the channels over to something more appropriate, something that wouldn't disturb anyone in the house. I had the remote in my hand, and was just about to start hitting the buttons, when my sister woke up...
Now, imagine the scene if you will. My sister wakes up, and sees lesbian porn on the television, and me with the remote in my hand. Anyone would assume the exact same thing. That it was in fact me that had flipped over to the porn because I thought she was asleep.
She looks from the television, to me, back to the television, then to me again. I have naturally frozen, and I'm thinking "oh crap. Say something. Explain yourself!" A long, long, long time seems to pass, before I finally utter the only words that come to mind. "...What are you watching?!"
As soon as I said it, I thought "dude, that was a weak excuse...a toddler could have said something better." But it was the truth! I hadn't put it on, it was already like that when I got there (the excuse of many a convicted man, I'm sure).

Now, looking back at what I have just written, I find myself smiling. Had I been telling it to someone, like I was the other week to a friend, there would have been laughter from both me and him (indeed, there was).

Delivery is crucial for these kinds of things. Also, you need to realise which medium you're presenting your comedy over, and really take advantage of that fact.

^^^ All that advice from someone who isn't a comedian. It probably shouldn't be taken then.

As soon as you said 9 was average i booed you off stage!

I have only one question: Where's the death toll? Its not funny unless their is a corpse, or at least a suggestion that a corpse may soon be made.
Remember, humor works by this simple formula:
Body Count * Wit - Observational Humour = Hilarity

Comedy is at least as much about timing as it is about material. The worst joke ever can make someone laugh if it's told right and the person wasn't expecting it. Thirty seconds after laughing, the person might wonder why he did, but by then, it's too late.

That being said, timing in text is going to be very different than timing with the spoken word.

COmedy is also about exaggeration. It's about taking one detail and magnifying it, maybe twisting it's shape a little. Let me give you an example:

In my state, one can be certified to pilot a multi-ton conglomeration of steel and glass along city streets along with numerous other vehicles and pedestrians, in any weather, day or night at the age of sixteen.

But you have to be eighteen to operate a deli slicer because you might slice off your thumb.

And you can't have that. I'm saving it for my comedy routine. :p

So,

were where the jokes in that peice? You know you have to have some jokes in it to make people laugh, and that was just like a rather angry blog or something.

Is this bad for a first try?

Yes.

Yes.

Yay Constructive Criticism! :D

Yay Constructive Criticism! :D

Sometimes the most constructive criticism that can honestly be given is stop whatever the hell it is you think you're doing, and go find something else to occupy your time.

I only read the first paragraph, but for some reason Jerry Seinfields voice was narrating inside my head. Bleh, I hated that show. :mad:

Sometimes the most constructive criticism that can honestly be given is stop whatever the hell it is you think you're doing, and go find something else to occupy your time.

Touche'.

:)

Now how do we get George W. Bush to take up checkers?

I only read the first paragraph, but for some reason Jerry Seinfields voice was narrating inside my head. Bleh, I hated that show. :mad:

What was weird about that show to me was his stand up was awful but the actual sitom was damn funny IMO. He should have stopped his world blighting stand up way before that and just made a living as a sitcom writer.

GUN DOWN THE STUPID PEOPLE!:sniper:
I would give it a 7-9. Somewhere in between there...I guess.

Looks like you're going for a George Carlin style rant. However you lack his ability with satire. It's a good rant, but didn't even get a grin out of me.

What was weird about that show to me was his stand up was awful but the actual sitom was damn funny IMO. He should have stopped his world blighting stand up way before that and just made a living as a sitcom writer.

I couldn't stand either role. He just shit me to tears.

Comedy is at least as much about timing as it is about material. The worst joke ever can make someone laugh if it's told right and the person wasn't expecting it. Thirty seconds after laughing, the person might wonder why he did, but by then, it's too late.
"Comedy is all ab.."
"Timing!"


Back to the original post - maybe he's going for the whole "I'm the worst comedian in history and am so bad it's painful to the point you'll laugh out of pity and embarassment" routine.
I always thought a routine like that could work. You'd need to be a damn good comedian though.
Kinda Andy Kaufman-esque - you're laughing cause he's doing the opposite of what you expect.

Touche'.

:)

Now how do we get George W. Bush to take up checkers?
Better yet, Russian Roulette.-Ryhmes.:)

Touche'.

:)

Now how do we get George W. Bush to take up checkers?
tell him that terrorists are communicating to each other and the messages are determined by the location of each peice.