Chellis
15-05-2006, 06:57
Well...
I'm not talking about some test. Not a class, or anything like that either.
I, personally, almost failed yesterday.
Its complicated, and I don't know exactly what was going on with me, so there's little chance I could explain it well, but I came the closest to a major mental breakdown I ever have before, yesterday.
Even writing that term doesn't seem to be... grandiouse(sp?) enough for what happened. I thought I had lost my mind; that I was a mere comment or dissapointment away from falling to the ground and just being a vegetable.
I guess something was wrong all day. I woke up early, as I was going to CSU Hayward for a choir thing(CMEA, if you have ever heard of it). I was ok then, and when I got to my school, where the bus was going to take us from, I felt fine.
Well, when I got onto the bus, I sat down, and one of my friends sat down next to me. I was hoping she would too, for some reason. It made me pretty happy that she decided to.
So, we all are on the bus, and head out for hayward. I had forgotten until now, that when we were just heading out, she asked me if something was wrong. I said no, as if anything, I was(or thought I was) pretty happy at that moment. She put her head on my shoulder, and we kinda just laid together the whole way to hayward(as well as any other time we were on the bus).
We got to Hayward. I felt alright, I thought things would be fine. I was just a bit nervous, as we were really unprepared, but I thought whatever. I went to have a smoke, and was in a good place. Then I went to the bus, to grab my tux and change into it.
I get into the bus, and my tux isn't there. This is where it started, afaik. I realize that I left my tux jacket, shirt, and pants hanging on a chain link fence, outside at school. There was a bunch of people there for another event(band CMEA), and I was pissed. I knew my choir teacher would be absolutely pissed, and he is an asshole even when not pissed. Even worse, I was afraid the tux would get stolen. My senior ball was a week away(less now), and I knew that if my tux got stolen, I would be fucked for ball. I can barely afford what I'm paying out the ass for now, I couldn't afford to rent, much less buy a new tux. I also have a choir tour for two days(tues and wed), which I have to have my tux.
Without needing to get into all the little details, things went downhill. My choir robe was also missing, though I ended up finding it(someone brought it inside for me). I did pretty bad in the lower choir singing(I'm part of the advanced choir at my school, but all the advanced guys sung with the lower choir for this). I was so shooken up, that I just couldn't even concentrate. In a sightsinging test thing, I couldn't sing for shit, because I couldn't read the music. I was shaking too badly to read the notes.
Probably none of you remember, but a bit back, I posted about this girl(the one who couldn't get over her boyfriend). She was there too, and it was awkward at best, because the two of them are really close friends, and Kim(the previous girl) was angry at nicole(the girl in the bus), presumably because we were getting close. Though I don't want to assume things.
Anyways, I ended up getting my tux. Someone from my school was in both the school event and the hayward thing, so they were able to get it, and bring it when they came for our thing. I thought that would help me, make me calm down. I knew I was emotionally unstable already.
Well, it didn't do much. We were practicing for our preformance, and I was just out of it. Any time I was singing, I was in my own freaking world. My friend alex, a fellow tenor, had to constantly keep me focused. Nicole was watching us practice on and off, and she later told me she could tell how bad I was, mentally. I just didn't even really know what was going on.
Well, I thought I did horrible in the performance(and still think I did), but we got unanimous superiors, the highest possible ranking in the thing. That sobered me up a bit, and made me pretty happy. We then got on the bus, and started driving back to the bay area.
Things were more or less stable from that point on. This one bitch in my choir started butting in on me and nicole, asking me what I was doing when she had a boyfriend(nicole was never going out with him, and now isn't even seeing him at all). I told her to bug off, then nicole told her the same, Still, it just corroded one of the few good parts of my day yesterday.
When I got home, I wanted to box. I was supposed to box this guy from my school that night, so I called up my friend, who is basically connected with everyone around. After a while, I got in touch with the guy who was trying to set it all up, one of my friends. We couldn't get gloves though, and the guy was just being really lazy about it, so we decided to not do it at that moment, though I was pretty unhappy about it.
So we ended up just drinking. I really have to learn my freaking lesson. I straight chugged rum and jaeger until I puked. Even after I puked, I was still pretty buzzed, but I felt pretty bad(not too bad, because I didn't drink more than my share that I paid for, so its not like anyone lost out but me).
The night sucked. I really don't want to try to get into it all, but I ended up having to walk home from where I work, as I had work this morning(complicated). The walk isn't that bad, but I had already been emotionally unstable most of the day, and I was just really sore and whatnot.
So I walked home. By the time I was on the final leg of my walk, no pun intended, I was convinced I had gone crazy. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I just started laughing, for no reason, all the way home.
When I woke up this morning, I was pretty much fine. I havn't felt like that today, but it was just a really scary feeling. I really felt like I was just disturbed. Its hard to even explain it, even with all the blabbering I just did.
I'm not talking about some test. Not a class, or anything like that either.
I, personally, almost failed yesterday.
Its complicated, and I don't know exactly what was going on with me, so there's little chance I could explain it well, but I came the closest to a major mental breakdown I ever have before, yesterday.
Even writing that term doesn't seem to be... grandiouse(sp?) enough for what happened. I thought I had lost my mind; that I was a mere comment or dissapointment away from falling to the ground and just being a vegetable.
I guess something was wrong all day. I woke up early, as I was going to CSU Hayward for a choir thing(CMEA, if you have ever heard of it). I was ok then, and when I got to my school, where the bus was going to take us from, I felt fine.
Well, when I got onto the bus, I sat down, and one of my friends sat down next to me. I was hoping she would too, for some reason. It made me pretty happy that she decided to.
So, we all are on the bus, and head out for hayward. I had forgotten until now, that when we were just heading out, she asked me if something was wrong. I said no, as if anything, I was(or thought I was) pretty happy at that moment. She put her head on my shoulder, and we kinda just laid together the whole way to hayward(as well as any other time we were on the bus).
We got to Hayward. I felt alright, I thought things would be fine. I was just a bit nervous, as we were really unprepared, but I thought whatever. I went to have a smoke, and was in a good place. Then I went to the bus, to grab my tux and change into it.
I get into the bus, and my tux isn't there. This is where it started, afaik. I realize that I left my tux jacket, shirt, and pants hanging on a chain link fence, outside at school. There was a bunch of people there for another event(band CMEA), and I was pissed. I knew my choir teacher would be absolutely pissed, and he is an asshole even when not pissed. Even worse, I was afraid the tux would get stolen. My senior ball was a week away(less now), and I knew that if my tux got stolen, I would be fucked for ball. I can barely afford what I'm paying out the ass for now, I couldn't afford to rent, much less buy a new tux. I also have a choir tour for two days(tues and wed), which I have to have my tux.
Without needing to get into all the little details, things went downhill. My choir robe was also missing, though I ended up finding it(someone brought it inside for me). I did pretty bad in the lower choir singing(I'm part of the advanced choir at my school, but all the advanced guys sung with the lower choir for this). I was so shooken up, that I just couldn't even concentrate. In a sightsinging test thing, I couldn't sing for shit, because I couldn't read the music. I was shaking too badly to read the notes.
Probably none of you remember, but a bit back, I posted about this girl(the one who couldn't get over her boyfriend). She was there too, and it was awkward at best, because the two of them are really close friends, and Kim(the previous girl) was angry at nicole(the girl in the bus), presumably because we were getting close. Though I don't want to assume things.
Anyways, I ended up getting my tux. Someone from my school was in both the school event and the hayward thing, so they were able to get it, and bring it when they came for our thing. I thought that would help me, make me calm down. I knew I was emotionally unstable already.
Well, it didn't do much. We were practicing for our preformance, and I was just out of it. Any time I was singing, I was in my own freaking world. My friend alex, a fellow tenor, had to constantly keep me focused. Nicole was watching us practice on and off, and she later told me she could tell how bad I was, mentally. I just didn't even really know what was going on.
Well, I thought I did horrible in the performance(and still think I did), but we got unanimous superiors, the highest possible ranking in the thing. That sobered me up a bit, and made me pretty happy. We then got on the bus, and started driving back to the bay area.
Things were more or less stable from that point on. This one bitch in my choir started butting in on me and nicole, asking me what I was doing when she had a boyfriend(nicole was never going out with him, and now isn't even seeing him at all). I told her to bug off, then nicole told her the same, Still, it just corroded one of the few good parts of my day yesterday.
When I got home, I wanted to box. I was supposed to box this guy from my school that night, so I called up my friend, who is basically connected with everyone around. After a while, I got in touch with the guy who was trying to set it all up, one of my friends. We couldn't get gloves though, and the guy was just being really lazy about it, so we decided to not do it at that moment, though I was pretty unhappy about it.
So we ended up just drinking. I really have to learn my freaking lesson. I straight chugged rum and jaeger until I puked. Even after I puked, I was still pretty buzzed, but I felt pretty bad(not too bad, because I didn't drink more than my share that I paid for, so its not like anyone lost out but me).
The night sucked. I really don't want to try to get into it all, but I ended up having to walk home from where I work, as I had work this morning(complicated). The walk isn't that bad, but I had already been emotionally unstable most of the day, and I was just really sore and whatnot.
So I walked home. By the time I was on the final leg of my walk, no pun intended, I was convinced I had gone crazy. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I just started laughing, for no reason, all the way home.
When I woke up this morning, I was pretty much fine. I havn't felt like that today, but it was just a really scary feeling. I really felt like I was just disturbed. Its hard to even explain it, even with all the blabbering I just did.