Demented Hamsters
12-05-2006, 05:17
Something slightly more positive for this Friday:
http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2006/05/12/svSCHEMBRI_wideweb__470x282,0.jpg
Shelve the cynicism and think positive, hombre
The world is a mess. If you don't believe me, take a look at this receipt I just got.
Not only does it tell me what I bought, where I bought it and precisely when this transaction occurred, it also tells me the store number, their opening hours, their phone number, their tax invoice number, their business address, their website address, their email address, the register number, the name of the girl who served me, her age, employment number, marital status, criminal record, blood type, original hair colour, favourite planet, and how willing she would be to participate in a nationwide survey to find out whether supermarket receipts that resemble Olympic twirling ribbons have taken all the mystery out of shopping.
It used to take dinner, drinks and a floor show to get that kind of information out of a woman. Now, all it takes is the purchase of a single cashew nut bar (subtotal 67 cents; rounding -0.02; total for one item 65 cents; GST included in total $0.06; please retain receipt for refund or exchange purposes).
This got me to thinking: this cashew bar has way too much glucose in it, and I'm trying to cut down - so what am I doing? That was when I was asked by Sashuni (17, Emp No. 147211, single, two break-and-enters, A-negative, chestnut brown, Neptune, yes it has) to please do my thinking elsewhere, as there were all these other people in the queue waiting for their Olympic twirling ribbons.
It was at this precise moment it struck me what a mess the world was in. And it's true. Just look around. Litter everywhere.
Two million years of evolution and we still haven't learned to pick up. No wonder other species laugh at us. Which is why we should annihilate them immediately. That'll teach 'em.
A lot more important than this revelation, though, was the thought that followed. It was a much more disturbing thought than the first, and also much deeper, occurring approximately 1.5 metres below it. And that thought was this: has there ever been a time in the history of civilisation when people didn't think the world was a mess? Surely not.
People have always thought the world was a mess, no matter what era they lived in, and there's one simple reason for that: people love to complain. It's in our DNA.
I bet the first thing they did after the wheel was invented was moan about the complete lack of wheel-alignment centres.
Here's something else. Before fire was invented, everybody ate their meat in peace and quiet and without complaint. They were just happy to be alive. After they started using fire to cook with, however, every second neanderthal was sending his food back complaining that they ordered this medium rare, not well done. Look. It's cooked all the way through. Where's the manager of this dump?
It's easy to gripe, which is probably why people do it so much. But it's not enough to just gripe, not if you want to make a real difference to the world around you, and to other worlds as well, such as Neptune, which hardly ever gets mentioned these days, except on supermarket receipts.
If you want to make a meaningful difference in this mess of a world we live in, you've got to offer something constructive and useful - and both at the same time, too, not one after the other like they do in Russia, which explains why they're in even more of a mess than the rest of us. Firstly, we must ask the question: why is the world in a mess?
To answer this properly we must first define our terms. What do we mean by world? What do we mean by mess? What do we mean by define? And terms? It's clearly a complicated issue that should not be taken lightly, but with a great deal of extra weight, and best carried around the sides so it won't show up in photographs.
But once we have done all that, we must ask ourselves a harder question, which is: can we justify this as a moral imperative?
What, in fact, is a moral imperative anyway? How did that phrase work its way into the paragraph? I didn't let it in. Don't they have a door list here?
The essential point, once all aspects of the matter have been closely considered, is surely to stop being such a Negative Nelly and to be positive about things for once in your life. You may think the world is a mess, but there's so much to enjoy, such as sherbet flavouring, UFO conventions and the term "whack-amole".
And just where are you supposed to find these so-called "positive things", you ask with that cynical air of yours?
Well, my fellow citizens, just unspool that four-metre-long receipt you're always going on about and check out the great deals on the back. The world might be a mess, but with a 50 per cent discount on moving-van rentals, we should all be grateful to be part of it.
linky (http://www.theage.com.au/news/opinion/think-positive-hombre/2006/05/11/1146940669494.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap1)
http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2006/05/12/svSCHEMBRI_wideweb__470x282,0.jpg
Shelve the cynicism and think positive, hombre
The world is a mess. If you don't believe me, take a look at this receipt I just got.
Not only does it tell me what I bought, where I bought it and precisely when this transaction occurred, it also tells me the store number, their opening hours, their phone number, their tax invoice number, their business address, their website address, their email address, the register number, the name of the girl who served me, her age, employment number, marital status, criminal record, blood type, original hair colour, favourite planet, and how willing she would be to participate in a nationwide survey to find out whether supermarket receipts that resemble Olympic twirling ribbons have taken all the mystery out of shopping.
It used to take dinner, drinks and a floor show to get that kind of information out of a woman. Now, all it takes is the purchase of a single cashew nut bar (subtotal 67 cents; rounding -0.02; total for one item 65 cents; GST included in total $0.06; please retain receipt for refund or exchange purposes).
This got me to thinking: this cashew bar has way too much glucose in it, and I'm trying to cut down - so what am I doing? That was when I was asked by Sashuni (17, Emp No. 147211, single, two break-and-enters, A-negative, chestnut brown, Neptune, yes it has) to please do my thinking elsewhere, as there were all these other people in the queue waiting for their Olympic twirling ribbons.
It was at this precise moment it struck me what a mess the world was in. And it's true. Just look around. Litter everywhere.
Two million years of evolution and we still haven't learned to pick up. No wonder other species laugh at us. Which is why we should annihilate them immediately. That'll teach 'em.
A lot more important than this revelation, though, was the thought that followed. It was a much more disturbing thought than the first, and also much deeper, occurring approximately 1.5 metres below it. And that thought was this: has there ever been a time in the history of civilisation when people didn't think the world was a mess? Surely not.
People have always thought the world was a mess, no matter what era they lived in, and there's one simple reason for that: people love to complain. It's in our DNA.
I bet the first thing they did after the wheel was invented was moan about the complete lack of wheel-alignment centres.
Here's something else. Before fire was invented, everybody ate their meat in peace and quiet and without complaint. They were just happy to be alive. After they started using fire to cook with, however, every second neanderthal was sending his food back complaining that they ordered this medium rare, not well done. Look. It's cooked all the way through. Where's the manager of this dump?
It's easy to gripe, which is probably why people do it so much. But it's not enough to just gripe, not if you want to make a real difference to the world around you, and to other worlds as well, such as Neptune, which hardly ever gets mentioned these days, except on supermarket receipts.
If you want to make a meaningful difference in this mess of a world we live in, you've got to offer something constructive and useful - and both at the same time, too, not one after the other like they do in Russia, which explains why they're in even more of a mess than the rest of us. Firstly, we must ask the question: why is the world in a mess?
To answer this properly we must first define our terms. What do we mean by world? What do we mean by mess? What do we mean by define? And terms? It's clearly a complicated issue that should not be taken lightly, but with a great deal of extra weight, and best carried around the sides so it won't show up in photographs.
But once we have done all that, we must ask ourselves a harder question, which is: can we justify this as a moral imperative?
What, in fact, is a moral imperative anyway? How did that phrase work its way into the paragraph? I didn't let it in. Don't they have a door list here?
The essential point, once all aspects of the matter have been closely considered, is surely to stop being such a Negative Nelly and to be positive about things for once in your life. You may think the world is a mess, but there's so much to enjoy, such as sherbet flavouring, UFO conventions and the term "whack-amole".
And just where are you supposed to find these so-called "positive things", you ask with that cynical air of yours?
Well, my fellow citizens, just unspool that four-metre-long receipt you're always going on about and check out the great deals on the back. The world might be a mess, but with a 50 per cent discount on moving-van rentals, we should all be grateful to be part of it.
linky (http://www.theage.com.au/news/opinion/think-positive-hombre/2006/05/11/1146940669494.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap1)