NationStates Jolt Archive

this is a personal question and i would really like to get the input from any women especially in the room. i alreayd know what most of the fellow men are going to say: you are a fool...)

I am 35, my wife is 28. been married almost 10 years.

if my wife suddenly has a 'guy' friend who she spends alot of time with on the phone, who she met from some of her friends while out dancing, should i be suspect, if not of my wife, but also this dudes motives?. Now call me crazy, but even if my wife is faithfull, and in all honesty i do believe that she has been, but this just isn't normal is it?

I believe in marriage and we have said we are going to work on things as they were getting lazy around here lately, especially on my end. So i do understand where this may have started from. But when over a week ago, we decide we are going to 'rebuild' and she is still talking to him? he's 19. we started our marriage before this punk hit puberty. I am pissed and sad at the same time. Sad, becuase i hate the fact that after so much fun together and starting a family(we have a two year old boy also) that we are having issues like this. and i am pissed because the two of us let it get this far and that she had to lie about who she was talking to.

Part of me wants to put up an ultimatum and say: No more dancing or talking to this shit.

The other part wants to go and knock this kid out and be done with it.

Then the other says; hey believe in her and she will be back to her sences soon. dont push her away.

so what is it. am i just s fool to believe in my wife and think everything is just innocent talking. and we are talking sometimes over an hour a day that she has called this guy or he her. again, i don't think she is cheating on me, physically, but theres something more then just friendship, imo.

Then again, maybe i am just old and paranoid and kids really have changed and dont think with their dick first.


yea right.

I would be suspicious of this guy. I'm sure your wife thinks his intentions are pure, and they may be. But with a guy of that age? I wouldn't put too much store on his motives being entirely pure.
I assume you've told her how you feel about it?

Wow man, that's hard...

well, as a male, I see it from your perspective. Actually, I see it from his perspective. He's 19, probably going to university soon, he's having the fun years of his life... so he meets this hot 28-year old who's interesting. He wants to BANG her. he doesn't care about you, he wants to get laid!

So here's what you do, you already outlined your options:

Hard-line your wife: This is just gonna create resentment and rebelliousness in her. She's gonna bang him and 10 other guys out of spite if you take a "hard stance". hell no

Let it be: This might work, but the margins for it are against you. Chances are he's gonna get it on with her, dump her, and then she'll come back to you. However, since this is a marriage and not high school, this needs to be avoided, simply because you don't want any other guy in your wife's pants. Defenite no

That leaves beating the guy up. Well, before you do, try to get to know him first, chances are he's a cool guy, and just tell him straight up, but in a friendly way that she's YOUR wife, and not his dirty sock. if he's an asshole and he doesn't begin distancing himself, well, then give him a good roundhouse kick in the face. now, BE CAREFUL while beating him up. The last thing you want is to end up in jail, or worse, that your wife knows about you beating up guys. So don't let him know it's you, and don't get hurt or anything.

Good luck man, I hope everything turns out well.

I would be suspicious of this guy. I'm sure your wife thinks his intentions are pure, and they may be. But with a guy of that age? I wouldn't put too much store on his motives being entirely pure.
I assume you've told her how you feel about it?

thats what i think also. and yes, we had a talk earlier tonight....she has some choices to make. I basically told her that after tonight, if she goes out the next time, then i go. i also requested that she 'cut down' on the amount she talks to him, just going off what i knew was probably a half a dozen calls or so. Then i find out later tonight while reviewing the bill, that there have been alot more than that, although all within the last month.

and like Hispanionla suggested, i am planning on have a very strong, yet calm talk with this kid. I know the first thing my dad ever talked to me when it came to women, is you don't EVER f with a man wife. Never. And i think this dude needs to hear that story...if that don't work....

Don't hit the kid. He's just in it for the rush. Your wife is just in it to make you jealous. Don't get all defensive. Christ man, you need to go out and dance with her. Pull all the stops so that she knows you're paying attention to her and eventually that little punk will be out of the picture to make more room for you.

Edit: And hey, don't have a talk with that kid. Talk about really akward. You have that talk with your wife, not him. And you make damn certain that your wife knows who her husband is. Not by stern talking but by showing her.

Don't hit the kid. He's just in it for the rush. Your wife is just in it to make you jealous. Don't get all defensive. Christ man, you need to go out and dance with her. Pull all the stops so that she knows you're paying attention to her and eventually that little punk will be out of the picture to make more room for you.

Edit: And hey, don't have a talk with that kid. Talk about really akward. You have that talk with your wife, not him. And you make damn certain that your wife knows who her husband is. Not by stern talking but by showing her.

I'm not sure you're wife is trying to make you jealous, but I'm sure as anything she'll love a bit of attention (I know I do). Maybe (and this is an assumption, I have no idea if you already do this) you both need to set aside a bit of time every now and then just for you and go crazy ;)

I have to agree with Shasoria about talking to the boy too. I mean, what are you going to say? In any case, it's better for your wife to deal with it herself, as (1) she may resent your interference
and (2) he will probably pay more attention if she tells him they need to spend less time together.

i need to stop looking at this damn cell phone bill. everytime i do, i find another cal or now text message. and what really pisses me off, is that some of these are at times when we were together. and remember, it wasn't till yesterday she acknowledged that she talks to him, and then she lied about it last night.

i do agree that i need to give her more attention, and trust me, i have been trying alot more lately, when i senced her 'slipping'...


this last week has been rough and now, it just got alot worse. thanks for the input so far. it is helping btw.

i know some of you may not understand my desire to talk to this kid, but its just an unwritten rule that if you mess with a married woman, you are going to pay, unless you back off. i guees it means i have to let the wife know, its alot more then i knew, and it bothers me alot. If she wants my attention, then she needs to be given hers to me and mostly me. and she needs to stop talking to this punk.

What do you say to the kid? Take a paternal stance and explain to him that women who are almost a decade older than him are out of bounds. If he pulls that "love has no age" bullshit, punch him in the face. Be very insistent that she is YOUR wife. That she walked down the frickin' aisle with you by her side, and no 19-year old asshole is gonna take that away from you.

Now, since you already spoke to your wife about it, and she didn't back off from it, then it's even worse than I previously thought. You need to tell that kid to stop going to wherever it is your wife dances at. Not answer her calls and not call her, jeez, If it were me, I'd get a few guys and stick him in a basement for a few days to see if he still wants to sex up my wife.

Just... talk to the kid, really. Depending on what happens, you will either have no more problem or you need to beat this motherfucker up.

You either have to trust her or pee on her leg. Unless she's into that kind of the thing, the latter is likely to just tick her off...

Well as a guy with a bit of experience in life. I can tell you what you already know. You have a serious problem between you and the wife. The age difference between you and her is not a big deal. But what you should be doing is making sure you are the center of her attention. That is of course you want to keep this relationship together.

Part of my instinct on what you have said so far is she may have already slept with this kid. It may have already gone to far. I would try and keep cool and don't do anything rash on your end. Beating up the kid isn't the answer. It will just get you in trouble and the outcome would not be good.

Not knowing everything that has gone on makes it difficult to understand exactly what it is that you should do. Given the fact that you have resorted to basically asking strangers for advice your in desperate straights. I would turn to one of your friends that you are close to. Ask for some insight from there perspective on your guys relationship.

Your in a tough spot and the fact you have a small child isnt good. I know it's difficult but try and step back and make a honest decision about the whole situation. Look out for yourself and your child. The reason is that I don't think your wife is at this point. Anyway good luck. Life is a tough road at times.

Do you have a camcorder?

Woman talking here.

Sounds like what is going on here is an emotional attachment. While it is unlikely that she's sleeping with this guy, it is still a threat to your marriage because she's lying to you and she's probably sharing things with him that she wouldn't to most people about you and your marriage. It's pretty common these days. There's basically a few things that could come out of this:

- she has sex with this guy
- she gets tired of him and gets re-enamoured of you, especially if you make an effort
- she doesn't do either, but your ultimatims (plus her emotional attachment to him) force a separation...don't think she won't leave you, because it's possible.

I would really try going to couple's counseling. The other thing is, it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to the kid. I doubt he's ready to be a father, so remind him that if she leaves you, he'll end up with a much older woman who has a kid and is going through a divorce. It is a rare 19-year old that is really enthusiastic about a situation like that.

P.S. It's unlikely she already had sex with him. Most women don't need sex to form an emotional attachment, and a very strong one at that. If you start trying to throw your weight around with her, she's going to resent you and sneak around behind your back. You need to show her that you're the one on her side. And don't threaten the kid either, then you're the bad guy. Just talk to him realistically, man to man.

Ever thought of telling your wife straight out how much it is hurting you (without going into ultimatium terratory)? Perhaps pointing out how bad she would feel if you started hanging out with a 19 year old women...

Also beating up the young man is just asking for trouble. There are institutions called the police, the courts, and personal injury lawyers that frown on violence... Adultary is not illegal btw, he has the legal right to attempt the seduction of your wife...if that is his intent...which it may not be, his attraction to her may be more emotional then sexual, her attention making him feel special (a boost to his self image and self esteme).

My advice, for all that it is worth, just talk to your wife and let her know how you feel (while spending more time with her). As suggested above couple's counseling might be a good idea (depending on the situation).

I'll admit to a lack of experience on my part. All of my relationships have fizzled out long before getting to anything resembling a commitment, let alone marrage.

Still, even I can tell you're in big trouble.

She lied to you.

She's having hour long telephone conversations and is going out dancing with another man, and she's lying about it.

This particular guy isn't the problem. Like it or not, he wouldn't stand a chance if your wife wasn't complicit in it. If you somehow manage to drive this guy away, all that will mean is that her relationship with that particular guy will end. If you don't deal with the underlying problem, this willl happen again.

The three options you suggested are all crap, and all pretty much guarenteed to end your marriage. I suspect you knew that beforehand, or you wouldn't have been desprate enough to ask for advice on an internet forum.

You can't deliver ultimatums if you want to maintain a relationship with her. Hard lines only breed resentment.

You can't just "trust her" because she's already broken that trust by lying to you. Ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away is just going to lead to the problem getting worse.

Beating the kid up, or even driving him away through less confrontational means will not solve the problem. The problem is between you and your wife. This kid just happens to be reaping the side benefits of your marrital problems.

Ultmately you have only one option, and it's not a good one. She's forced you into it, but you have no other choice. You have to confront her directly.

Ask here where your relationship is going. Ask her what about it isn't satisfying. Ask her why she feels the need to have this affair (because sex or no that is exactly what this is).

Worst of all, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that there is nothing you can do. You need to understand that things may have passed the point of no return. I'm not talking about her affair. I'm talking about the state of your marriage. If this conversation doesn't shed any light on the matter, you have to be ready for the end.

I did some math here, and it may at least shed some light on where she may be coming from. From the ages and dates you posted, I assume that at the age of 25 you married her at 18. For a lot of people, their early adulthood is spent exploring a lot of relationships and making a lot of mistakes.

I'm not saying that your marriage was a mistake, or something your wife entered into before she was ready. That's something you're in a better postion to judge than I.

What I am saying is that many adults, particularly later in life tend to romanticise this period of uncertainty and exploration. What may be happening is she is suddenly regretting having missed out on that part of her life by marrying you so early. She may not actually know of anything particularly wrong with your relationship, but after ten years of marriage and two years changing diapers and being a responsible parent, she may be at a point in her life where she is regretting a youth "not misspent enough". Think of it like a midlife crisis.

Ultimately, you know things don't look good. You have to be prepared for this relationship to end. You have a child, so it will be messy, but in the long run it will be better to figure out that the relationship can't be saved sooner rather than allowing it to die a slow, lingering death as your son lives in a home without love and comes to blame himself. The sooner you both realise the relationship is over, the more you can focus on doing what's best for your son. Staying together just for his sake is not doing him any favors.

The important thing is that you settle this, one way or the other, NOW. Don't be confrontational and don't deliver ultimatums, but bear in mind that it may not be possible to save your marriage. It takes both of you to make a relationship work, and if she isn't willing to put in the effort, start planning for your devorce and custody arrangements, because that will be the only thing left to do.

Bear in mind that I'm seeing this through the magnifying glass of your own fears and reactions. I don't have an objective point of view. Things might not be as bad as I think they are. If that is the case, when you sit down and talk to your wife (again without ultimatums) she'll be surprised by your concerns and be very concerned herself with the way you're perciving this.

Communicate.

Tell her everything you worry about. Everything you suspect. Tell her why you feel this way, and give her a chance to put your mind at ease. If she can't do that, there's nothing left of your marriage but the paperwork. Accept it and start tying up lose ends.

Look man. (Guy advice) You really need to make yourself worth loving. If I was with you I would lose interest. When you express jealousy to your wife, you are basically saying "I am unworthy of your love. I think that I am worthless, and as a result must be careful you don't leave me for someone better". By being jealous of this kid, whether this is how you feel or not, you are communicating to your wife that you feel threatened by his superiority.

Think about this. When your wife is with you, she sees a nervous paranoid, jalous little man trying to order her to love you. When she is with this guy, she sees a confident, self assured guy who understands her.

DO NOT beat him up, I know you want, (jesus, I want to), but don't do it. DO NOT talk to him, nothing good will come of it, at best you will be where you are now, at worst you will reveal your insecurity to this kid = VERY BAD. Treat the kid as insignificant as he is. Forget about him. Let her see him, act
like you don't mind (because its not like you feel threatened, right?).

Truth be told, you have already messed up by making an issue of it. However, there is still time to recover. Heres what you do:

1) Apologise for being so tense on the guy thing, blame it on something irrelevant but beleiveable (project at work, insomnia, financial stress). Make it clear that you were feeling weird, and can't beleive you were so uptight. Let her know that its great that she is making time to enjoy life, and that you plan to do the same.

2) Be arrogant, chicks hate/crave it. Arrogant in a self-assured carefree way. Not arrogant in an arsehole way.

3)Take up a new hobby, something that youy haven't done before that is refreshing to your image. Talk to her about it with enthusiasm. Give her the impression that you are really breaking out of your 'rut' like you said.

4) When you think you have sold the I'm happy/carefree image invite her to do love bird stuff with you. Try and win her like you did before you were married. N.B. This will only work if she beleives in your sincerity. If you do this right away she will see right through it and you will look desperate. If she doesn't want to go, don't panic. Just relax, and be cool.

5) The trick is to love her, with out caring. Make sure she feels loved by you, surprise her and spoil her *occasionally*, but don't let her feel stifled.

6) You should be seeing an increase in the relationship if you keep this up. If so, ask her casually about the guy. Try to rebuild her confidence in you, so she can talk to you about how she feels (the guy himself is irrelevant beyond a medium for getting her confidence to talk to you about secrets). Remember, at the moment, she feels like she can tell him things she can't tell you. Reverse this.

7)Once you get the confidence thing, any problems between you should be on the table. Remember, you don't have any problems. Try to use lines like "Hey. You think I don't trust the woman I love? Have a great night" or "No worries".

8)If you push too hard, and she arches up, back off invisibly, and make it seem as if it was not an encroachment at all (disguise as general banter).

9)Make sure, in your coolness, that you don't make friends with the guy, making him a family friend. If he does fancy your wife, he will hang aroung like a bad smeel for a very long time if given the oppurtunity. Just act disinterested in him/his company. Try and build the idea of him being nothing to do with you, and as your wifes friend.

10) She should be losing interest in him,in favour of her active, relaxed, self assured/confident husband. Remind her why she married you.

3 Core rules to get you through any situation with a girl
1. Dont get upset, thats their job.
2.Be confident, they won't love you anymore than you love yourself.
3. Don't get involved. You can't get in trouble for what you didn't do.

When in doubt, Ask yourself the question, "What makes me more attractive?"
Follow this and you will rarely fail.

You could go all indecent proposal on him, make some money out of it. only since he is 19 I doubt he could afford it.

seriouisly though I depends how much you trust your wife, but there is no way in hell I would trust the kid

I take GreaterPacificNations stance on this situation.

First off, the line I say to everyone before I give advice: "Be wary of advice, should you choose to follow it, you must suffer the consequences, not the person who gave you the advice."

With that being said, in my experience no action performed with a negative intention has a positive result. In that if you are angry trying to build a table, the table will likely be second rate, and wobbly. Versus you are calm, reasonable, and analytical, the table wil likely be sturdy, and last for years to come.

Now, it is easy to become angry and jealous when the ones we love hurt us. (Even easier for me to say it, not being in the situation.) But think of the great conquerers and generals of the past, what seperated them from other men was their ability to stay focused in extreme situations, and still garner the results they wanted. How does this come about? They could control themselves. Ironically the more control we exert over ourselves, the more control we hold over other people. (i know you may not want to control your wife per se, but follow me on this.)

If you present yourself in a certain light it is easy to predict peoples reactions. If I go up to someone I dont know, and punch them in the face, they will become angry. I f I go up to someone and introduce myself politley, they are more likely to accomodate whatever requests I have to make of them.

But, you need to see yourself as the other person reacting to you. Think about what you say before you say it, think about what you do before you do it. Imagine the outcome that you find most desirable, imagine when it is. Two Days from now, two weeks from now, whatever.

Now think backwards from there to the present moment. How did this come about? What was said? What was done? Are the reactions you are imagining likely? What can go wrong? How can you act against it?

I know. It sounds like a Military Camapign. Thats just how I think. But it is a mindset that has served me well. Life is the Battleground for what we want, and tactics and strategy fare better then aggressive and mindless attacks.

Woman talking here.

Sounds like what is going on here is an emotional attachment. While it is unlikely that she's sleeping with this guy, it is still a threat to your marriage because she's lying to you and she's probably sharing things with him that she wouldn't to most people about you and your marriage. It's pretty common these days. There's basically a few things that could come out of this:

- she has sex with this guy
- she gets tired of him and gets re-enamoured of you, especially if you make an effort
- she doesn't do either, but your ultimatims (plus her emotional attachment to him) force a separation...don't think she won't leave you, because it's possible.

I would really try going to couple's counseling. The other thing is, it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to the kid. I doubt he's ready to be a father, so remind him that if she leaves you, he'll end up with a much older woman who has a kid and is going through a divorce. It is a rare 19-year old that is really enthusiastic about a situation like that.

P.S. It's unlikely she already had sex with him. Most women don't need sex to form an emotional attachment, and a very strong one at that. If you start trying to throw your weight around with her, she's going to resent you and sneak around behind your back. You need to show her that you're the one on her side. And don't threaten the kid either, then you're the bad guy. Just talk to him realistically, man to man.

i quoted ilie because its excellent advice

your wife has been married since she was 18. you must have been a couple for a while before that eh? she is now 10 years into it and things have gone a bit stale. this isnt unusual. it doesnt mean the beginning of the end.

she is enjoying that feeling of being attractive (to a man who would have been appropriate for her 10 years ago but is too young for her now) she is enjoying the rush of a new relationship. that wonderful feeling of being the most exiciting and beautiful woman in the world to a man. the excitement of the beginning of a romantic relationship.

these are feelings that she didnt get enough of while she was single because she fell in love with you and got married. an older woman would have (perhaps) been experienced enough to know how such feelings come and go and arent worth screwing up your life for. the last time SHE felt them it was for you and it was anything but a disaster. she knows in her head that playing with fire will get her burned but she doesnt know it emotionally because her great loves have worked out so well so far.

plus she is probably very tired of being the mom. those first few years are completely draining. its nice to be reminded of the time when every blouse you own didnt have a spit-up stain on it.

she is kidding herself that she wont take it too far or destroy her family over it. its a good thing to have let her know that you wont put up with secret relationships.

so follow ilie's advice and go to marriage councilling. it will make a huge difference. there is no reason you cant make your marriage better than it has ever been.

this is a personal question and i would really like to get the input from any women especially in the room. i alreayd know what most of the fellow men are going to say: you are a fool...)

I am 35, my wife is 28. been married almost 10 years.

if my wife suddenly has a 'guy' friend who she spends alot of time with on the phone, who she met from some of her friends while out dancing, should i be suspect, if not of my wife, but also this dudes motives?. Now call me crazy, but even if my wife is faithfull, and in all honesty i do believe that she has been, but this just isn't normal is it?

I believe in marriage and we have said we are going to work on things as they were getting lazy around here lately, especially on my end. So i do understand where this may have started from. But when over a week ago, we decide we are going to 'rebuild' and she is still talking to him? he's 19. we started our marriage before this punk hit puberty. I am pissed and sad at the same time. Sad, becuase i hate the fact that after so much fun together and starting a family(we have a two year old boy also) that we are having issues like this. and i am pissed because the two of us let it get this far and that she had to lie about who she was talking to.

Part of me wants to put up an ultimatum and say: No more dancing or talking to this shit.

The other part wants to go and knock this kid out and be done with it.

Then the other says; hey believe in her and she will be back to her sences soon. dont push her away.

so what is it. am i just s fool to believe in my wife and think everything is just innocent talking. and we are talking sometimes over an hour a day that she has called this guy or he her. again, i don't think she is cheating on me, physically, but theres something more then just friendship, imo.
Then again, maybe i am just old and paranoid and kids really have changed and dont think with their dick first.


yea right.

Dude, i'm sorry to say this, but your wife is slut! Now you have few options - kill that guy, kill your wife. kill them both, pretend that you dont know a shit while she's sucking his dick, and entire block laughs behind your back, or divorce her. Now, you probably think that i'm some idiot who dosesn't know what to do so i'm bullshitin' on this forum, but i had a girlfriend, and was close marrying her and she suddenly left with my best friend. We were together for eight years! I pretended that i dont know anything. She was sucking his dick, and then she would come home and kiss with me!

Answer to your question: Yes, you are fool if you don't do anything and act like i did pretending it doesn't happening!

BTW: Kids nowdays ONLY THINK WITH THEIR DICK!

Extreme pessimist above! I'll relax you here by telling you that his argument holds pretty much no weight, as it's based upon anecdotal evidence and personal opinion.
By the way, you've noticed by now that everyone gives you different advice. I'd say you find a professional to give you advice since nobody else can agree. (Marriage counceling would work)

I disagree with most of what people have said in this post, especially those (women or men) who have tried to justify what his wife is doing or put some kind of blame on him or even trying to make him feel bad for being jealous.

It's bullshit.

If he started hanging out with a 19-yr-old girl like she's doing with the kid, his wife would have a fucking fit. Nevermind the fact that he would lie to her about how much he's talking to her, but going out dancing with her as often as she's doing with him? Good lord.

There's no justification to what she's doing. None. I don't care if there's problems in the relationship, she needs to understand what she's doing to her husband. If she honestly doesn't give a shit, she's a whore who needs to be left in the gutter, just as he would be a bastard who needs the same, if he'd done what she's doing.


It-is-wrong. End of story.


Talk to your wife, stand up to her, tell her flat-out that what she's doing is hurting you and that you know she knows better than this. She knows what she's doing, you just have to make her realize you're onto her about it. Pisses me off to no end.

Originally Posted by WeUpinSmoke
I am 35, my wife is 28. been married almost 10 years.

...if my wife suddenly has a 'guy' friend who she spends alot of time with on the phone, who she met from some of her friends while out dancing...

...But when over a week ago, we decide we are going to 'rebuild' and she is still talking to him? he's 19.

Sad, becuase i hate the fact that after so much fun together and starting a family(we have a two year old boy also) that we are having issues like this.

...let it get this far and that she had to lie about who she was talking to.

...hey believe in her and she will be back to her sences soon. dont push her away.

am i just s fool

...to believe in my wife and think everything is just innocent talking. and we are talking sometimes over an hour a day that she has called this guy or he her.

...but theres something more then just friendship, imo.



Dude, read this again.

Originally Posted by Szanth
There's no justification to what she's doing. None. I don't care if there's problems in the relationship, she needs to understand what she's doing to her husband. If she honestly doesn't give a shit, she's a whore who needs to be left in the gutter, just as he would be a bastard who needs the same, if he'd done what she's doing.


This girl is smart!

To me its totally obvious that she's reaching out to a young man who may be interesting, enthusiastic, attractive, and that pays her attention, because of a gaping lack in her marriage. You've said that there have been some issues between you and her, and that you talked about it and decided to 'try harder'. Well, just because you had that cursory conversation, doesn't mean results are immediate. You have to persevere, and invest your time and effort into your marriage - whatever that may mean : helping around the house, spending time with your child, doing things with your wife. Just talking about it is not enough. When your wife realizes you're serious about the change, she'll a) drop the kid, if he was just a gimmick to make you jelous, or b) intoduce you to him and try to keep him as a family friend if he is actually important to her.

You should be receptive to option b) if she approaches it respectfully, and if he behaves appropriately.

It's even possible that she thinks what she is doing is totally fine. maybe she's taken a 'maternal' interest in the kid. (From what I understand) casual, flirty, and slightly innapropriate relationships are quite attractive to unsatisfied, married women, even if they know it won't go anywhere. I know that sounds ridiculous to you, but I'm just trying to imagine her position. It's possible that she's more secure about the marriage that you are, so she doesn't think it's a 'big deal' - which to you, it clearly (and even justifiably) is. Essentially, you have a serious disconnection in communication here, which I suggest you fix immediately.

Just be honest (yet diplomatic) about how you feel, and the situation should reach a resolution. The outcome depends on how you handle it, and as a detached 3rd party, I can't really advice you on that.

Hey have you tried any of these yet? If so are they working?

this is a personal question and i would really like to get the input from any women especially in the room. i alreayd know what most of the fellow men are going to say: you are a fool...)

I am 35, my wife is 28. been married almost 10 years.

if my wife suddenly has a 'guy' friend who she spends alot of time with on the phone, who she met from some of her friends while out dancing, should i be suspect, if not of my wife, but also this dudes motives?. Now call me crazy, but even if my wife is faithfull, and in all honesty i do believe that she has been, but this just isn't normal is it?

I believe in marriage and we have said we are going to work on things as they were getting lazy around here lately, especially on my end. So i do understand where this may have started from. But when over a week ago, we decide we are going to 'rebuild' and she is still talking to him? he's 19. we started our marriage before this punk hit puberty. I am pissed and sad at the same time. Sad, becuase i hate the fact that after so much fun together and starting a family(we have a two year old boy also) that we are having issues like this. and i am pissed because the two of us let it get this far and that she had to lie about who she was talking to.

Part of me wants to put up an ultimatum and say: No more dancing or talking to this shit.

The other part wants to go and knock this kid out and be done with it.

Then the other says; hey believe in her and she will be back to her sences soon. dont push her away.

so what is it. am i just s fool to believe in my wife and think everything is just innocent talking. and we are talking sometimes over an hour a day that she has called this guy or he her. again, i don't think she is cheating on me, physically, but theres something more then just friendship, imo.

Then again, maybe i am just old and paranoid and kids really have changed and dont think with their dick first.


yea right.
It would seem both you and your wife are getting shafted!:p

Dude, read this again.



This girl is smart!

O_o I'm a dude, dude.

thats what i think also. and yes, we had a talk earlier tonight....she has some choices to make. I basically told her that after tonight, if she goes out the next time, then i go. i also requested that she 'cut down' on the amount she talks to him, just going off what i knew was probably a half a dozen calls or so. Then i find out later tonight while reviewing the bill, that there have been alot more than that, although all within the last month.

and like Hispanionla suggested, i am planning on have a very strong, yet calm talk with this kid. I know the first thing my dad ever talked to me when it came to women, is you don't EVER f with a man wife. Never. And i think this dude needs to hear that story...if that don't work....

That was almost a step in the right direction. Give yourself more credit.


P.S. It's unlikely she already had sex with him. Most women don't need sex to form an emotional attachment,.
But a 19 yr old man does. She HAS banged him - and more recently than you think.




There's no justification to what she's doing. None. I don't care if there's problems in the relationship, she needs to understand what she's doing to her husband. If she honestly doesn't give a shit, she's a whore who needs to be left in the gutter, just as he would be a bastard who needs the same, if he'd done what she's doing.


It-is-wrong. End of story.


Talk to your wife, stand up to her, tell her flat-out that what she's doing is hurting you and that you know she knows better than this. She knows what she's doing, you just have to make her realize you're onto her about it. Pisses me off to no end.

More than talk - set ultimatums, see an attorney. Talk to her lover. DEFEND YOUR FAMILY!


You should be receptive to option b) if she approaches it respectfully, and if he behaves appropriately.
.
That would be a stupid approach. She hasn't shown you, your marriage, her vows and her family an ounce of respect. Her lover neither (but then - he never took a vow to)

IN this order here is what you need to do;

1) Speak with an attorney. You may not end up needing one, but KNOW YOUR RUGHTS and be prepared for anything.

2) Tell her - in no uncertain terms - that her relationship is over with that punk. SHe has a responsibility to you and her family. Insist on marriage counseling - for both of you. Let her know you realize you have not been perfect but that her reaction is far out of bounds. No seeing him - no calling him - no TM etc. The end. Keep the cell phone bills in case you need them in court. Tell her you will take the children (hmmm, she might like that) if she cannot act like an adult.

3) Confront the punk. Tell him - in no uncertain terms - that he is fucking with your family. What he is doing is the same as if he threatened to hurt your children - in fact worse - scarring them both for life. Give him no quarter. Tell him if you see him or hear from him or if he goes near your wife again you will defend your family using whatever means necessary. Tell him he is lucky you are a man of reason - but you are not one of mercy or unlimited patience. It is over. He gets to decide what 'it' can mean. (banging your wife, having two functioning legs, a symmetrical face, you get the point)

4) If he does show up again put your wife out of your home. Have new locks in your garage ready to install. Keep her car keys. See your attorney, and start taking care of your children. If your wife makes the wrong decision she is no longer your wife or your children's mother - she is someone out to hourt your children (and you) who you must protect them from. Eventually you will meet someone who will show you and your children the respect you diserve.

She may once have been a respectable wife. She is no longer. She is hurting you and your children. Give her another chance if you wish. But one only. Make that clear and stand by it. I suspect that in your past you've let her walk all over you and she really never expects you to do shit because you never have. She does not respect you. You deserve better.

If you really want to take it to the next level...

http://lilligren.com/Redneck/redneck_love.htm

O_o I'm a dude, dude.

Sorry dude... they think of me as a girl couple of times, and that pissed me off, so sorry again.
;)

Remember the "True Lies" routine? Lol. Just see how she reacts if you do the same, if it bugs her, she may be guilty, if not she's most likely innocent. That was some MALE advise, all I PERSONALLY can grant you. P.S. CAPITALIZE YOUR "Is" (not "is" "EYEs") FOR PETE'S SAKE!

-snip-

What the hell happened to you?

Anyway, newsflash, women own property and have legal rights. If her name is on the deed or lease then she can't be kicked out of HER HOME, ditto with the car, nor can she be prevented from seeing HER KIDS. Distribution have contested property and custody must be handled according to the law.

...

Are you okay?

What the hell happened to you?

Anyway, newsflash, women own property and have legal rights. If her name is on the deed or lease then she can't be kicked out of HER HOME, ditto with the car, nor can she be prevented from seeing HER KIDS. Distribution have contested property and custody must be handled according to the law.
he has a point. if she cant give up this boy, he needs to be ready to act. knowing his legal rights is vital if he wants to protect his family.

she has already shown difficulty in giving him up. it may be that it has gone too far. i dont think she has necessarily had sex with this boy but there is no way to know that yet. i dont see a reason why they shouldnt be able to put their marriage back together if she hasnt slept with her boyfriend. (they could put it back together even if she has but its a much more difficult road.)

she has to be yanked out of the dream world she is living in where its OK for her to have a "boyfriend" and no one will get hurt. the boy needs to have an incentive to let her go.

What the hell happened to you?

Anyway, newsflash, women own property and have legal rights. If her name is on the deed or lease then she can't be kicked out of HER HOME, ditto with the car, nor can she be prevented from seeing HER KIDS. Distribution have contested property and custody must be handled according to the law.

Which is why he needs to go to an attorney first. I can tell you that with evidence of infidelity she is unlikely to fare well - the courts have changed some in the last ten years. As far as changing the locks - it is a protective measure against a hostile danger. He has the right, no the obligation, to protect his family. Women kick men out of homes all the time. If she is bringing strange men home she is endangering the children. The car - depending how it is titled, may be a bit much. If his name is on it he does have the right to 'engage in repairs' which may result in it being indefinatly disabled.

Also, nothing happened to me. I am healthy and capable and insightful, intelligent (and removed) enough to see through the bullshit. Thanks for asking.

she has to be yanked out of the dream world she is living in where its OK for her to have a "boyfriend" and no one will get hurt. the boy needs to have an incentive to let her go.
Exactly. She has demonstrated a total disregard for their marriage and lack of respect for her spouse. I'm not suggesting he is a saint, but I would also expect that it is not the first time she has walked all over him while he just took it. By offering 'tough love' and concenquences he just may shock her into reality. IF not - he at least won't get sucked into her bizarre world.

Which is why he needs to go to an attorney first. I can tell you that with evidence of infidelity she is unlikely to fare well - the courts have changed some in the last ten years.

As far as I can tell there is no evidence of actual infidelity, just a marrage going through a rough patch (which regularly happens).

As far as changing the locks - it is a protective measure against a hostile danger. He has the right, no the obligation, to protect his family. Women kick men out of homes all the time. If she is bringing strange men home she is endangering the children.

He can't lock her out of HER OWN HOME or take action that would effectively make her a prisoner, she has rights. There is NO evidence that she is "bringing strange men home."

The car - depending how it is titled, may be a bit much. If his name is on it he does have the right to 'engage in repairs' which may result in it being indefinatly disabled.

Very mature and reasonable advice... Disable the car, threaten the 19 year old kid with violence, and lock the wife out of her own home... Assuming they head towards a break up (which based on the information provided I think is rather unlikely, they just need to talk, put more energy into things, and perhaps go to counsaling) how well do you think the husband will fair if he starts acting like a batterer or psyco?

Also, nothing happened to me. I am healthy and capable and insightful, intelligent (and removed) enough to see through the bullshit. Thanks for asking.

Somehow I doubt that (I am detecting a lot of supressed rage).

Female weighing in here...

Allowing yourself the indulgence of jealousy is going to make things worse. If it doesn't lead to obsession and stalking, it will certainly make you more miserable.

Something about becoming a mom can lead some women to feel less attractive, to feel like they have lost part of who they are, to long for the days of less responcibility. A need to be assured, not by the husband, but by other men sometimes arises as women pass through stages of their lives. The arrival of children is certainly one of these stages. Mid-30's, when we start to notice those little lines beginning to appear, are another. Menopause, yet another.

For most women, a little assurance is all they need. A few need to have affairs in order to feel assured. If that is the case here, there is nothing you can do to stop it. It will either happen or it won't. Your focusing on her nightlife and phone calls will indeed make things more complicated.

Instead, you may want to use this time to reassure yourself. Go out with the boys. Talk to some gals yourself. What harm could their be in it? Lighten up! Live a little!

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have two children living at home. Our social lives have diverged quite a bit, but fortunately neither of us was the jealous type. Therefore we enjoy the freedom of seperate social lives that include both men and women. I certainly do not feel the urge to jeopardize my investment in my marraige with a paultry sexual affair, and I don't think he would consider one either. We have chosen not to be suspicious of each other. It's really very nice, actually.

I suspect this teenager is fascinated with your wife. He probably has nothing better to do than call her several times a day. I imagine she will bore of him soon and see him for what he is....a teenager. She will find a way to avoid him or she will ask for your help in the matter, if you haven't been a total turd about the whole thing, that is. How much better would it be if she asked you to pick up the phone and tell him to stop calling? Wouldn't that be great? You would be the hero instead of the nagging, jealous husband.

Allow her some space. Trust her. Your marraige will be the better for it.

If you really, 100%, trusted your wife wou woudn't be posting this thread.

If you tell her not to see him, she still will behind your back. Get involved- go out and hang with them so that the guy understands she is taken.

If your wife is the sort of person to up and leave you after 10 years of marriage for a 19 year old, then you're probably better off without her anyways.

http://www.jahozafat.com/cgi-bin/wavs.cgi?Star_Wars_Episode_IV_A_New_Hope=trustyourfeelings.wav

He already knows if she's crossed the line.

Many here forget that this person is in an abusive relationship. It may not be physical but it IS abusive and he is hurting for it. Telling him it may be his fault or that he should tolerate it or anything else is irresponsible. She is hurting her family through her selfishness and irresponsibility. He has a right to protect his family. I pray that she comes to her senses and the family is saved, but he MUST be prepared for the possibility that she does not.

As far as I can tell there is no evidence of actual infidelity, just a marrage going through a rough patch (which regularly happens).

There is enough to warrant her at fault and unfaithful. Continued contact with another man after he specifically requested it stop. She does not have to spread her legs to be unfaithful. Remember the part about forsaking all others? It means more than just not fucking them.


He can't lock her out of HER OWN HOME or take action that would effectively make her a prisoner, she has rights. There is NO evidence that she is "bringing strange men home."
She IS seeing strange men - he knows of at least one. That is all it takes. She is hurting her children and creating a dangerous environment for them. He has two choices if she refuses to reform - remove himself and his family from the environment or remove her from the environment. Period. It would be far less distressing on the children to remove her. If she cannot afford a place to live that is her problem - she should have considered the concenquences of her actions before she fucked around. Any equity in the home does still belong to her. She should also still continue to contribute to the support of her children financially. However, leaving them alone with a person of such questionable integrity would be a mistake. Visits with mommy would be just fine, but leaving her responsible for them would be a disaster waiting to happen. She has given up her right to be a part of that family. As far as the car goes - it would probably be better to let her use it to get as far away from his family as possible if she insists on continuing to hurt them. It is my hope and prayer that she chooses her family first, but the concenquences of not doing so must be spelled out and enforced.


Very mature and reasonable advice... Disable the car, threaten the 19 year old kid with violence, and lock the wife out of her own home... Assuming they head towards a break up (which based on the information provided I think is rather unlikely, they just need to talk, put more energy into things, and perhaps go to counsaling) how well do you think the husband will fair if he starts acting like a batterer or psyco?
Yes, leave the car so she can go away. Far away. About that I was wrong. Threatening anyone who would harm your family is not unreasonable nor is removing from your home anyone who demonstrates recklessness about them. I really hope that she picks her family first - but without concenquences it is unlikely.


Somehow I doubt that (I am detecting a lot of supressed rage).

I AM pissed that a person would do this to their own family. The 19 yr old has no character to speak of whatsoever also for being a partner in this crime. There is no supressing or denying that rage.

I find it also quite offensive that many here would take a victim and make him question himself and his feelings. He has been hurt - his wife is inflicting it. Just the same as any other abusive situation - he needs support. He does not need people to cause him uncertainty and self-doubt. He does not need people to tell him to continue living with an abusive partner or to 'proove' anything that hasn't already been proven. Even if she hasn't fucked the punk (doubtful) she is still unfaithful and causing hurt. Unforgiveable.

Yes, a spouse should be trusted - but within dignified reason - and going dancing at singles bars is unreasonable. Having romantic encounters with other men is undignified. She is inflicting the emotional equivalent of broken bones and black eyes.

Good thing you all are there to 'support' him and cause him to doubt himself and his feelings.

OK, I am a woman, and I was married young. I thinkthat your wife may be caught up in a fantasy life, as she has been married a fair time, you admit to problems between you and she has a young child. I was unhappily married, and found a 'fantasy' life on NS, I began talking to a guy and it made me realise just how bloody miserable I was, and I am now divorced and with this guy I met. So I do know what I am talking about. My now ex husband was not a nice man, not a good man, and he was a terrible father. I found a man who loved me, and it made me realise what I was missing. Maybe your wife has not had sex with this boy, but she is lying to you, talking to him for LONG periods and many times, even when you are together. It is not a good sign and you need to do something, if you can, ask her friends (if you know them, or one friend at least) what THEY think. Tell them what you know and see how they react, ask for advice and say that you are concerned for your marriage and that you need to get advice from a woman's point of view. Seek counseling, on your own maybe and then approach your wife and tell her just what this 'relationship' is doing to you. Try to not be angry, but let her know you are hurt and worried. It may be a good idea to write down what you feel, why you feel it etc.

I wish you luck, and if you really do love your wife then you need to do something to try to save your marriage. Ask yourself how you would feel if she HAS had sex with this boy, and maybe speaking to a lawyer would be a good idea too...good luck.

i quoted ilie because its excellent advice

your wife has been married since she was 18. you must have been a couple for a while before that eh? she is now 10 years into it and things have gone a bit stale. this isnt unusual. it doesnt mean the beginning of the end.

she is enjoying that feeling of being attractive (to a man who would have been appropriate for her 10 years ago but is too young for her now) she is enjoying the rush of a new relationship. that wonderful feeling of being the most exiciting and beautiful woman in the world to a man. the excitement of the beginning of a romantic relationship.

these are feelings that she didnt get enough of while she was single because she fell in love with you and got married. an older woman would have (perhaps) been experienced enough to know how such feelings come and go and arent worth screwing up your life for. the last time SHE felt them it was for you and it was anything but a disaster. she knows in her head that playing with fire will get her burned but she doesnt know it emotionally because her great loves have worked out so well so far.

plus she is probably very tired of being the mom. those first few years are completely draining. its nice to be reminded of the time when every blouse you own didnt have a spit-up stain on it.

she is kidding herself that she wont take it too far or destroy her family over it. its a good thing to have let her know that you wont put up with secret relationships.

so follow ilie's advice and go to marriage councilling. it will make a huge difference. there is no reason you cant make your marriage better than it has ever been.

Oh shit, thanks! Yeah, these are great additions and things I should have mentioned. Looks like most people here (with the exceptions of those who say you should just dump her...I doubt you want to do that, since she'd likely be taking your little boy with her) think it's a good idea to go into marital counseling. If she won't go, go without her and maybe get some information about yourself. It will also help you make your decision because if she won't go, it generally means she doesn't want to work on the marriage and may be planning to leave.

Carisbrooke, I love your blurb too, but I don't know how to quote it! I have always said that it is a bad idea to marry early. You barely know yourself at that age, which is the most important factor in really being a good partner to somebody else.

If he pulls that "love has no age" bullshit, punch him in the face. Be very insistent that she is YOUR wife. That she walked down the frickin' aisle with you by her side, and no 19-year old asshole is gonna take that away from you.


Just... talk to the kid, really. Depending on what happens, you will either have no more problem or you need to beat this motherfucker up.
Well said. Have to agree here.

this is a personal question and i would really like to get the input from any women especially in the room. i alreayd know what most of the fellow men are going to say: you are a fool...)

I am 35, my wife is 28. been married almost 10 years.

if my wife suddenly has a 'guy' friend who she spends alot of time with on the phone, who she met from some of her friends while out dancing, should i be suspect, if not of my wife, but also this dudes motives?. Now call me crazy, but even if my wife is faithfull, and in all honesty i do believe that she has been, but this just isn't normal is it?

Women and men are perfectly capable of having platonic friendships, and there is nothing abnormal about it. However, you know your wife better than any of us, so you are in a better position to judge whether or not she is behaving according to her normal pattern.


I believe in marriage and we have said we are going to work on things as they were getting lazy around here lately, especially on my end. So i do understand where this may have started from. But when over a week ago, we decide we are going to 'rebuild' and she is still talking to him? he's 19. we started our marriage before this punk hit puberty. I am pissed and sad at the same time. Sad, becuase i hate the fact that after so much fun together and starting a family(we have a two year old boy also) that we are having issues like this. and i am pissed because the two of us let it get this far and that she had to lie about who she was talking to.

I would think you should be the most concerned about the lying part of this whole thing. The fact that your wife has new friends shouldn't be sad, nor should you automatically assume that any relationship she has with a male must be sexual or romantic in nature. But the fact that she is/was dishonest is extremely inappropriate.


Part of me wants to put up an ultimatum and say: No more dancing or talking to this shit.

I would not suggest this. It won't work.


The other part wants to go and knock this kid out and be done with it.

This also will not work.


Then the other says; hey believe in her and she will be back to her sences soon. dont push her away.

This is closer to the mark. You need to figure out WHY your wife is spending so much time with this other fellow. What needs or desires is that relationship fulfilling for her? Remember, it is perfectly possible that it's not about sex or sexual needs, but that there may be some other thing she is looking for that she doesn't feel she is getting from your marriage.


so what is it. am i just s fool to believe in my wife and think everything is just innocent talking. and we are talking sometimes over an hour a day that she has called this guy or he her. again, i don't think she is cheating on me, physically, but theres something more then just friendship, imo.

You and your wife need to be talking about this IN DEPTH. She needs to understand not just that this bothers you, but WHY it bothers you. You need to understand why she finds her relationship with this guy so important that she is willing to hurt her husband to pursue it.

I am noticing some major differences in the advice given by guys and the advice given by the women. :p

um... do u know that this guy is straight?
chances are if she met him dancing, depending on what sort, he could be... obviously if it was clubbing or whatever then he's probably your token straight male, but potentially if she was at tap class or whatever he's not interested in your wife for her body...
anyway, talk to her about it... and don't take the advice of a load of random people off of the internet! and maybe you could take her dancing and try and provide whatever it is she feels she's getting from the 19 year old!

Woman here...

Your wife has a friend. Well, CERTAINLY there must be something going on, of course! NO person who is married should ever have a FRIEND!

Stop being ridiculous. DON'T jump to conclusions... talk to her if you have a concern, and be prepared that she will probably be somewhat annoyed at your assumption if you are wrong.

Sometimes people have friends. Sometimes those friends are of the opposite sex. Sometimes there is an age difference. It is sad that you are so insecure that you automatically assume that friendship means sex.

Punch the fucker out I say.

Man.

Ask her straight what is she doing with that boy and what does she want from her relationship with him. This should clear the situation one way or another. Simply dancing around the problem will not make it go away. I hope everything works out fine... but! If you do get to a divorce, take a paternity test to see if your child is really yours. I have a friend who's paying child support for a child who most likely isn't his just because he didn't want to spend the money for a test. It may sound heartless what I'm saying, but that's my oppinion. Again, all the best. :)

Female weighing in here...

Allowing yourself the indulgence of jealousy is going to make things worse. If it doesn't lead to obsession and stalking, it will certainly make you more miserable.

Something about becoming a mom can lead some women to feel less attractive, to feel like they have lost part of who they are, to long for the days of less responcibility. A need to be assured, not by the husband, but by other men sometimes arises as women pass through stages of their lives. The arrival of children is certainly one of these stages. Mid-30's, when we start to notice those little lines beginning to appear, are another. Menopause, yet another.

For most women, a little assurance is all they need. A few need to have affairs in order to feel assured. If that is the case here, there is nothing you can do to stop it. It will either happen or it won't. Your focusing on her nightlife and phone calls will indeed make things more complicated.

Instead, you may want to use this time to reassure yourself. Go out with the boys. Talk to some gals yourself. What harm could their be in it? Lighten up! Live a little!

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have two children living at home. Our social lives have diverged quite a bit, but fortunately neither of us was the jealous type. Therefore we enjoy the freedom of seperate social lives that include both men and women. I certainly do not feel the urge to jeopardize my investment in my marraige with a paultry sexual affair, and I don't think he would consider one either. We have chosen not to be suspicious of each other. It's really very nice, actually.

I suspect this teenager is fascinated with your wife. He probably has nothing better to do than call her several times a day. I imagine she will bore of him soon and see him for what he is....a teenager. She will find a way to avoid him or she will ask for your help in the matter, if you haven't been a total turd about the whole thing, that is. How much better would it be if she asked you to pick up the phone and tell him to stop calling? Wouldn't that be great? You would be the hero instead of the nagging, jealous husband.

Allow her some space. Trust her. Your marraige will be the better for it.

Women have to have recognition by other men? If she'll cheat, she'll cheat and he can't do anything about it?

God you give women a bad name.

well, it was an interesting weekend. First, i'd like to thank those of you who replied and for some of you old timers like Bottle, you actually do know me from before as "Culebra". didnt feel like 'rebooting' my old country so made a new one.

anyway, Things are good now. Sat morn before work i told here what i had discovered and that i was very unhappy about it and with not having any sleep Friday night and needing to head off to work, we left it at that. We spent Sat night together just relaxing and enjoying each others company. Sunday, we went to Church, where I felt the burden of distrust and w/e get off my heart adn then we spent time together at a festival and we talked a little there and once we got home.

I told here that because of the way thing unfolded, that while i DO believe that everything was 'innocent' as far as the converstaions go, I do NOT want her talking to him or having contact with him, while in my presence or in our home. I also requested that while we are 'rebuilding' that she break off all conversations with this guy. I told her i want things to get back to where they were before, where we were each all that we needed and again vowed my love and my trust in her.

my wife is a VERY proud Latina, so i am glad i didnt use the ultimatums i had thought and some close friends of mine had even suggested. I think when i posted here on Friday night, i was obviously enraged and didnt have someone to 'reach out to'. My wife and I have traveled over 6,000 miles together and been through alot. This is definetly the biggest speed bump, no i should say crack in the road we have run into on our journey together, but we are back on track again.

as some have said, there were alot of things that led up to this: I was not being as attentive as i should be, my wife really not having any support here as we have no family or true close friends in this city(we have only been here less then two years), the stress from her job and being a new mom, me being lazy as far as a husband goes in my attention level and both of our sexual drives, plus i had gained about 10 pounds and was smoking alot more(yes weed). So i have owned up to my responsibilty in this whole thing to her(this was the TALK we had a couple weeks ago i reffered to in an earlier post) and we are working things out. I have started joggin again last week and working out and eating better. I promised that while I am with her I will not be high or drunk and so far that has gone through as promised.

I do have to show her that i do trust her again 100% as i feel she still has some dought about that. One of the things i told her last night is that I dont want to have to worry anymore about who she talks to and that I do trust her and her judgement. I still dont trust this kid, but i have no reason to question my wife. She had never lied to me before this and has trusted me even when there were times questions came up about who i was talking to.

i have to head back off to work again, but for those of you who were wondering, I feel in my heart that we are going to be even better then before. Its funny, sometimes it takes some shit like this to happen before you realize how blessed you had been. I think we both took things for granted, especially me. I was like" shit, as long as i never cheat on her, stay a great dad, and do the little things around the house and provide for the family, i'm ok." i forgot about making my wife feel special everday. And she had forgot about how special i am. I know we may have issues again, as marriage is always a test and a battle, but i know i will never take her for granted again.

thanks and take care. :)

I think this is a wonderful post and has shown us how important it is to communicate, be loving, and be willing to change things on your own in a relationship.

Now that I've stopped being sappy...go fuck your wife and have fun.

I am noticing some major differences in the advice given by guys and the advice given by the women. :p

I suspect that if it were a woman who's husband were seeing a 19 yr old girl, sending her TMs and going dancing while she stayed home with the children - the advice from the woumen would be substantially different.

If it were a woman who's husband were hurting her and her children their advice would be substantially different.

But, since it is a man. Well, fuck - he should just buck up and give her another chance, and another, and see a councelor, and figure out what he did to deserve this, and talk to her... :headbang:

I suspect that if it were a woman who's husband were seeing a 19 yr old girl, sending her TMs and going dancing while she stayed home with the children - the advice from the woumen would be substantially different.

If it were a woman who's husband were hurting her and her children their advice would be substantially different.

But, since it is a man. Well, fuck - he should just buck up and give her another chance, and another, and see a councelor, and figure out what he did to deserve this, and talk to her... :headbang:
i was thinking the same thing yesterday, bozzy.

id give the same advice to a woman who was worried that her husband was about to cross the line (assuming she wanted to save the marriage). its not that the aggrieved party is "wrong" (oh how i hate it when the cheater blames his or her spouse for being inattentive) its that if you want to save your marriage you have to work out ALL the issues, not just the (potential) cheating. sure you can stop this relationship, but if you dont fix whats wrong it will happen again (given that you cant control your spouse and it may be the beginning of the end no matter what you try)

so now he is going to pretend it never happened. but unless they work out their trust issues-- she was lying to him-- its never going to be OK. until he is fully satisfied that she didnt have sex with this boy, until they fully talk it out (best to be in front of a councillor), until he is fully satisfied that she understands what she did and regrets it totally, it will always be there in the back of his head ruining their marriage. everytime she goes out without him, every time she talks on the phone and he doesnt know to whom, its going to bug him.

and she needs to work on herself. what the fuck was she doing with a boy? is she stuck being 18 years old in her head? why is she looking for affirmation from strangers? why would she risk her family for a stupid cheap fling that has no chance to last? if she doesnt get her own head straight, she'll end up doing it again and again.


weup wants to save his marriage and his family. when you have children i think its your responsibility to try to make it work. that doesnt mean putting up with infidelity but while there is a reasonable chance put their marriage back together, as long as they are both putting in the effort, they should try.

Women have to have recognition by other men? If she'll cheat, she'll cheat and he can't do anything about it?

God you give women a bad name.

You are obviously very young and have not given your reply much thought.

"Have you cheated? Among married people, 14 percent of women and 21 percent of men said they have cheated on their partner. Among cohabitators, 11 percent of women and 21 percent of men said they have cheated. Women's top reasons for straying: 44 percent said they were attracted to someone else; 32 percent said they wanted reassurance of their desirability. Men's top reasons: 48 percent wanted more sex; 47 percent wanted more sexual variety."

This was on MSN today. I rest my case.

"Have you cheated? Among married people, 14 percent of women and 21 percent of men said they have cheated on their partner. Among cohabitators, 11 percent of women and 21 percent of men said they have cheated. Women's top reasons for straying: 44 percent said they were attracted to someone else; 32 percent said they wanted reassurance of their desirability. Men's top reasons: 48 percent wanted more sex; 47 percent wanted more sexual variety."

This was on MSN today. I rest my case.
What case is that - that it is more OK for women to cheat than men? or that the motivation is more justified? Or that any justification is acceptable? (you know, the old "can't get dinner at home so I'll eat out" story)

weup wants to save his marriage and his family. when you have children i think its your responsibility to try to make it work. that doesnt mean putting up with infidelity but while there is a reasonable chance put their marriage back together, as long as they are both putting in the effort, they should try.

I hope she can - I have no doubt he is willing - Too bad there aren't 'maturity' pills he could slip in her orange juice.

um... do u know that this guy is straight?
chances are if she met him dancing, depending on what sort, he could be... obviously if it was clubbing or whatever then he's probably your token straight male, but potentially if she was at tap class or whatever he's not interested in your wife for her body...
anyway, talk to her about it... and don't take the advice of a load of random people off of the internet! and maybe you could take her dancing and try and provide whatever it is she feels she's getting from the 19 year old!


The only tap dancers I can think of are Sammy Davis Jr and Christopher Walken. But the guy could still be a homo i suppose. to average things out.

What does she get from him that she doesnt get from you? I would imagine hes fun, and not bogged down by responsibility, and he probably listens to her more. After years with someone its easy to filter them out to a certain extent. Also, being 19 he is now in the stage she was before she married you. He represents everything she gave up when she started a family.

You should talk to her, about all kinds of shit, and take her places, if only so youl have someting to talk about. this guy lets her get away from the kids and get back in touch with her youth, so thats what you should do.

Woman:

While it's wonderful that things have been resolved for the present, I feel from reading this that long-term, there are still issues to be dealt with. First of all, that WeUp resorted to NS to express his frustration, rather than discussing it with the only person that needed to hear it -his wife- is extremely disturbing. Secondly, that so many people automatically assumed she was cheating because she so much as associated with another male of the species. Admittedly, the circumstances don't sound ideal for a new platonic buddy, but WeUp allowed strangers to validate his own fears. And regardless of what a 19 year-old kid wanted to do, he couldn't get anywhere without her acting as a willing party. Either WeUp's faith in his wife is sadly lacking, especially if he thinks 10 pounds will drive her to that, or she is a very physical creature, and he needs to step up to the challenge. (I would personally think that he would be delighted by that possibility.)

I feel like this: :headbang: After all, I have guy friends. Does that mean that as soon as I get married I have to cut them off so my husband can feel better about his masculinity? Thank you, no.

I feel like this: :headbang: After all, I have guy friends. Does that mean that as soon as I get married I have to cut them off so my husband can feel better about his masculinity? Thank you, no.
there is a big difference between having a male friend and having a secret male friend

there is a big difference between having a male friend and spending hours on the phone and text messaging and lying about having a male friend.