NationStates Jolt Archive

...At the end of your life, you meet your maker and he says:

"Who goes to heaven? People who preach the goodness of Porn and the divinity of Chocolate, why of course. What else they believe doesn't matter. Except believers in interstellar travel, who will get a free ship each to travel the galaxy and inseminate aliens with huge knockers."

"Christianity? Sorry guys I was just fuckin' with ya. Bibles and stuff - just to check if you were paying attention, and to lead you away from Porn. It was your free-will you know, so I wasn't sure if I fooled anyone."

"Wow looked like it worked! Just look at the crowd here!" :D

wtf

...At the end of your life, you meet your maker and he says:

"Who goes to heaven? People who preach the goodness of Porn and the divinity of Chocolate, why of course. What else they believe doesn't matter. Except believers in interstellar travel, who will get a free ship each to travel the galaxy and inseminate aliens with huge knockers."

"Christianity? Sorry guys I was just fuckin' with ya. Bibles and stuff - just to check if you were paying attention, and to lead you away from Porn. It was your free-will you know, so I wasn't sure if I fooled anyone."

"Wow looked like it worked! Just look at the crowd here!" :D

If that happened I'd say: Hey, you're alright after all. What do you say we light up a doobie and fornicate with a prostitute."

And he'd say: "Alright. But you're buyin'"

And we'd be best buddies.

Sounds like I'll be one of the Arch Angels :p

If that happened I'd say: Hey, you're alright after all. What do you say we light up a doobie and fornicate with a prostitute."

And he'd say: "Alright. But you're buyin'"

And we'd be best buddies.

Ten bucks say you can't find an atheist who would hate this God. :D

Ten bucks say you can't find an atheist who would hate this God. :D
:D

Sounds like I'll be one of the Arch Angels :p

Then you will get a ship to travel the galaxy and meet charming aliens with substantial dongs. Spa memberships on the House.

Then you will get a ship to travel the galaxy and meet charming aliens with substantial dongs. Spa memberships on the House.

Yay! Mmm, spa is fun :D

But do I not get access also to "huge knockers"?

Ten bucks say you can't find an atheist who would hate this God. :D

Your right, I can't hate that god because god does not exsist.
The exsistance of god is as silly as me saying that I am god.

Your right, I can't hate that god because god does not exsist.
The exsistance of god is as silly as me saying that I am god.

You mean if you met him face to face, you would say:

"Get lost loser. You don't exist."

"Whatever, look, I don't care what you believe man. Did you do Porn 'n' Chocolate or not?"

"Erm... yes?"

"Then welcome to Heaven! Get your ass movin' before I dump you with em' suicide bombers and anti-Porn lawyers."

You'd hate this guy? Huh? :rolleyes:

You mean if you met him face to face, you would say:

"Get lost loser. You don't exist."

"Whatever, look, I don't care what you believe man. Did you do Porn 'n' Chocolate or not?"

"Erm... yes?"

"Then welcome to Heaven! Get your ass movin' before I dump you with em' suicide bombers and anti-Porn lawyers."

You'd hate this guy? Huh? :rolleyes:


The exsistance of god is as silly as me saying that I am god.

Do you hate unicorns?

The exsistance of god is as silly as me saying that I am god.

Do you hate unicorns?

Only pink invisible ones :D

OK, to get back on topic.

I would make him my bitch.

Yay! Mmm, spa is fun :D

But do I not get access also to "huge knockers"?

Of course.

And free fluffles anywhere in the Galaxy, anytime. Starting now, in fact. :fluffle:

...At the end of your life, you meet your maker and he says:

"Who goes to heaven? People who preach the goodness of Porn and the divinity of Chocolate, why of course. What else they believe doesn't matter. Except believers in interstellar travel, who will get a free ship each to travel the galaxy and inseminate aliens with huge knockers."

"Christianity? Sorry guys I was just fuckin' with ya. Bibles and stuff - just to check if you were paying attention, and to lead you away from Porn. It was your free-will you know, so I wasn't sure if I fooled anyone."

"Wow looked like it worked! Just look at the crowd here!" :D
I'd say... 'Yeah that is a funny joke to play on the Jews and Muslims'

Ha ha ha coughdumbarsecough

Of course.

And free fluffles anywhere in the Galaxy, anytime. Starting now, in fact. :fluffle:

Yay! :D

:fluffle: :fluffle:

Whoa, wicked.

Heh. It'd turn out I'm a prophet. With a spaceship!

Gods, Moses is gonna be pissed.

...At the end of your life, you meet your maker and he says:

"Who goes to heaven? People who preach the goodness of Porn and the divinity of Chocolate, why of course. What else they believe doesn't matter. Except believers in interstellar travel, who will get a free ship each to travel the galaxy and inseminate aliens with huge knockers."

"Christianity? Sorry guys I was just fuckin' with ya. Bibles and stuff - just to check if you were paying attention, and to lead you away from Porn. It was your free-will you know, so I wasn't sure if I fooled anyone."

"Wow looked like it worked! Just look at the crowd here!" :D
I'd slap him silly. Then go in anyway.

Swashbuckle yarrrgh!

OK, to get back on topic.

I would make him my bitch.

No you won't.

The sheer amount of porn and chocolate I do astounds even me. :D

...At the end of your life, you meet your maker and he says:

"Who goes to heaven? People who preach the goodness of Porn and the divinity of Chocolate, why of course. What else they believe doesn't matter. Except believers in interstellar travel, who will get a free ship each to travel the galaxy and inseminate aliens with huge knockers."

"Christianity? Sorry guys I was just fuckin' with ya. Bibles and stuff - just to check if you were paying attention, and to lead you away from Porn. It was your free-will you know, so I wasn't sure if I fooled anyone."

"Wow looked like it worked! Just look at the crowd here!" :D

As I will probably be eating a peanut butter cup and playing with myself at the time, I think I'll be okay. :)

I'd really like to say I'd hate this god just to be the oddball.

But that free space ship and all of eternity to learn stuff?! I'M THERE!

Well, first I'd put the bong down very slowly...

Why not just a God that made your chances of getting into heaven inversely related to the amount of proselytizing you did in life?

As I will probably be eating a peanut butter cup and playing with myself at the time, I think I'll be okay. :)

Think of it this way. If it were the Christian God, on Judgement Day when your life is reviewed, and shown on the big-ass LCD screen for all the see, you would be shamed for your Reese and Release.

The Porn God, on the other hand...

"You suck, Lunatic Goofballs."

"Sorry God, I'm ashamed of what I've done! Forgive me!"

"You should be ashamed. As a punishment you shall have peanut butter cups and French maids to accompany you for all eternity, you sick bastard. Bwahahahahahar!"

Think of it this way. If it were the Christian God, on Judgement Day when your life is reviewed, and shown on the big-ass LCD screen for all the see, you would be shamed for your Reese and Release.

The Porn God, on the other hand...

"You suck, Lunatic Goofballs."

"Sorry God, I'm ashamed of what I've done! Forgive me!"

"You should be ashamed. As a punishment you shall have peanut butter cups and French maids to accompany you for all eternity, you sick bastard. Bwahahahahahar!"
No, no, wait: what if Lunatic Golfballs WAS God, and he's just taking a lifetime off to experience life as a human, and the human Lunatic Golfballs doesn't know that?

I'd really like to say I'd hate this god just to be the oddball.

But that free space ship and all of eternity to learn stuff?! I'M THERE!

Only if you believe in interstellar travel.

If not you will be stuck on an Earth-like planet with unlimited Porn and Chocolate. Plus any amount of internet access, education or entertainment you want.

But not Backstreet Boys. Not without a permit.

Only if you believe in interstellar travel.

If not you will be stuck on an Earth-like planet with unlimited Porn and Chocolate. Plus any amount of internet access, education or entertainment you want.

But not Backstreet Boys. Not without a permit.
Of course I believe in interstellar travel. It is possible with the right technology. We don't have the ability to warp space yet, but we will. Someday. If we can power it.

No, no, wait: what if Lunatic Golfballs WAS God, and he's just taking a lifetime off to experience life as a human, and the human Lunatic Golfballs doesn't know that?

Oh now I know who Chuck Norris really is!

But seriously, who can say for sure that isn't true? Maybe Kyronea is one of God's incarnations to experience life.

Why else does he get laid so much? Huh? That it boggles the mind? Explain this, fucking atheists. ;)

No, no, wait: what if Lunatic GOOFBALLS WAS God, and he's just taking a lifetime off to experience life as a human, and the human Lunatic GOOFBALLS doesn't know that?

GOOFBALLS. Not Golfballs. :p

It has always been my goal to become Almighty. I have big plans for my new management. :)

Oh, and not to knock Porn and CHocolate, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. :D

Of course I believe in interstellar travel. It is possible with the right technology. We don't have the ability to warp space yet, but we will. Someday. If we can power it.

That's the spirit. If you believe it, you will get it.

Actually I wasn't joking about the spaceship part. If there was a religion who's concept of Heaven was unlimited space travel in the Universe, with limitless opportunity to sightsee, to learn, to experience, to interact, I would convert in a heartbeat.

I don't find a place where people wear white, have bland conversations and repeat hypnotic hymns forever to a white bearded old man appealing.

GOOFBALLS. Not Golfballs. :p

It has always been my goal to become Almighty. I have big plans for my new management. :)

Oh, and not to knock Porn and CHocolate, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. :D

Reveal your mighty plans, O superdude!:D

GOOFBALLS. Not Golfballs. :p

It has always been my goal to become Almighty. I have big plans for my new management. :)

Oh, and not to knock Porn and CHocolate, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. :D
Err..yeah. I don't know why I always read it as Golfballs. Maybe because Lunatic Golfballs is a name that truly describes your insanity, due to the odd phrasing and the like. =/

Err..yeah. I don't know why I always read it as Golfballs. Maybe because Lunatic Golfballs is a name that truly describes your insanity, due to the odd phrasing and the like. =/
Reveal your mighty plans, O superdude!:D

I'm slightly worried by the way LG is starting to collect an army of fanatical followers.

I'm slightly worried by the way LG is starting to collect an army of fanatical followers.
Ah, don't worry. He'll just take over the world and be a benevolant dictator. You know, the usual stuff.

I'm slightly worried by the way LG is starting to collect an army of fanatical followers.

Who will hit unbelievers with copious amounts of Porn and Chocolate? Oh the horrors!

Well, I've gone into more detal before but here's a quick recap:

My first act as Almighty will be to erase Jerusalem. All the occupants will safely appear on the borders of what used to be Jerusalem. Where Jerusalem once stood will be a big hill covered in daffodils.

THen I will spend a month in the caribbean relaxing and sipping margaritas as the major religions of the world lose their freakin' minds.

Then I will begin my personal agenda which will include, but not be limited to:

Making everyone on earth literate in whatever languages they speak.
Converting every weapon on Earth more complicate than a bow and arrow into a yummy cinnamon bun.
Making water just a little bit thicker.
Set Australia to slowly rotating in place.
Triple the amount of mud on Earth.
Create a series of churches/theme parks that emphasize pranks, senseless violence and fun, if slightly dangerous rides and carnival games.
All my priests must wear clown suits and pedophile priests develop dickrot.
I'd create an insanely perverted cure for HIV; Perhaps screwing watermelons(or zucchinis depending on your gender and/or pitching/catching preference).

There's quite a bit more but there's a few things I won't do:

Kill my enemies. Killing is for the uncreative and will be highly frowned upon by me. There's almost always a better way to destroy your enemies. For me, as Almighty, there's ALWAYS a better way to destroy my enemies.

For instance: Fundamentalist terrorists, militant anarchists, religious wackos and other troubemakers who specialize in convincing other people to engage in violent acts will be stripped of their most powerful weapons; Other people. I will give them each their own personal Earth devoid of other people where they can spend the rest of their lives in peace and quiet... until the ownerless wild dogs start becoming a problem. :p

Answer Prayers: Pray all you want, I'm probably not listening. That's not to say that I'm an unsympathetic God that won't help out from time to time, but whining about it won't convince me. :)

Well, I've gone into more detal before but here's a quick recap:

My first act as Almighty will be to erase Jerusalem. All the occupants will safely appear on the borders of what used to be Jerusalem. Where Jerusalem once stood will be a big hill covered in daffodils.

THen I will spend a month in the caribbean relaxing and sipping margaritas as the major religions of the world lose their freakin' minds.

Then I will begin my personal agenda which will include, but not be limited to:

Making everyone on earth literate in whatever languages they speak.
Converting every weapon on Earth more complicate than a bow and arrow into a yummy cinnamon bun.
Making water just a little bit thicker.
Set Australia to slowly rotating in place.
Triple the amount of mud on Earth.
Create a series of churches/theme parks that emphasize pranks, senseless violence and fun, if slightly dangerous rides and carnival games.
All my priests must wear clown suits and pedophile priests develop dickrot.
I'd create an insanely perverted cure for HIV; Perhaps screwing watermelons(or zucchinis depending on your gender and/or pitching/catching preference).

There's quite a bit more but there's a few things I won't do:

Kill my enemies. Killing is for the uncreative and will be highly frowned upon by me. There's almost always a better way to destroy your enemies. For me, as Almighty, there's ALWAYS a better way to destroy my enemies.

For instance: Fundamentalist terrorists, militant anarchists, religious wackos and other troubemakers who specialize in convincing other people to engage in violent acts will be stripped of their most powerful weapons; Other people. I will give them each their own personal Earth devoid of other people where they can spend the rest of their lives in peace and quiet... until the ownerless wild dogs start becoming a problem. :p

Answer Prayers: Pray all you want, I'm probably not listening. That's not to say that I'm an unsympathetic God that won't help out from time to time, but whining about it won't convince me. :)

Will Jenna Jamieson become my guardian Angel? Huh?

Will Jenna Jamieson become my guardian Angel? Huh?

You can have Fass. :)

You can have Fass. :)

Is that a good thing? Or a good thing? :confused:

Anyways it seem like the more religious-inclined have no interest in a Porn God. I wonder if He is compatible with the Christian description of God, but I think the words "Porn" and "Chocolate" appear a grand total of zero times in the Bible.

Unless they were called something else in the Bible.

You can have Fass. :)
Fass is about as useful a guardian angel as Michael Moore is for pushing the religious right's agenda.

Is that a good thing? Or a good thing? :confused:

Anyways it seem like the more religious-inclined have no interest in a Porn God. I wonder if He is compatible with the Christian description of God, but I think the words "Porn" and "Chocolate" appear a grand total of zero times in the Bible.

Unless they were called something else in the Bible.

Heaven and Hell consists of reliving the events of your life for eternity. That's why it's important to have lots of sex and eat a wide variety of enjoyable food. If you die a vegan virgin, all you'll have for Eternity are episodes of Dharma and Greg. :eek:

Heaven and Hell consists of reliving the events of your life for eternity. That's why it's important to have lots of sex and eat a wide variety of enjoyable food. If you die a vegan virgin, all you'll have for Eternity are episodes of Dharma and Greg. :eek:

Fuck, I watched a few episodes of that. Plus I like some greens with my meats. And I haven't been laid since my last relationship two years ago.

How do I absolve these sins, O superdude! :(

Fuck, I watched a few episodes of that. Plus I like some greens with my meats. And I haven't been laid since my last relationship two years ago.

How do I absolve these sins, O superdude! :(

Relax. You relive the events not the dull parts. However, if there aren't enough events, they could get old after a few eons. So I think the safest thing you could do is generate more events. *nod*

Relax. You relive the events not the dull parts. However, if there aren't enough events, they could get old after a few eons. So I think the safest thing you could do is generate more events. *nod*

Actually I had this idea once that our afterlives will closely dependent on what we believe, whatever we believe. I imagined our brains stretching out into another dimension, using our thoughts and convictions to sculpt a little Universe to go to after we die. Kind of like dreaming, but for real.

So if believe in a God who is kind and approachable, and who loves porn, chocolate and interstellar travel, He will be there.

Yeah, I'm rambling.

*Scopes out opportunities to "generate" new events.*

So God is pretty much the Internet? Wow, that's a load off (no pun intended)...

So God is pretty much the Internet? Wow, that's a load off (no pun intended)...

Not until you can get Chocolate right out of the screen, like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

God is Good and Eternally Wise. He loves beetles but is not really into made-for-television movies.

Actually I had this idea once that our afterlives will closely dependent on what we believe, whatever we believe. I imagined our brains stretching out into another dimension, using our thoughts and convictions to sculpt a little Universe to go to after we die. Kind of like dreaming, but for real.

So if believe in a God who is kind and approachable, and who loves porn, chocolate and interstellar travel, He will be there.

Yeah, I'm rambling.

*Scopes out opportunities to "generate" new events.*

Oh, no. YOu're correct. Heaven and Hell are exactly that: Little universes created by our minds a the moment of death. Our beliefs and experiences shape that universe. *nod*

Oh, no. YOu're correct. Heaven and Hell are exactly that: Little universes created by our minds a the moment of death. Our beliefs and experiences shape that universe. *nod*

Kewl...:D

Well, I've gone into more detal before but here's a quick recap:

My first act as Almighty will be to erase Jerusalem. All the occupants will safely appear on the borders of what used to be Jerusalem. Where Jerusalem once stood will be a big hill covered in daffodils.

THen I will spend a month in the caribbean relaxing and sipping margaritas as the major religions of the world lose their freakin' minds.

Then I will begin my personal agenda which will include, but not be limited to:

Making everyone on earth literate in whatever languages they speak.
Converting every weapon on Earth more complicate than a bow and arrow into a yummy cinnamon bun.
Making water just a little bit thicker.
Set Australia to slowly rotating in place.
Triple the amount of mud on Earth.
Create a series of churches/theme parks that emphasize pranks, senseless violence and fun, if slightly dangerous rides and carnival games.
All my priests must wear clown suits and pedophile priests develop dickrot.
I'd create an insanely perverted cure for HIV; Perhaps screwing watermelons(or zucchinis depending on your gender and/or pitching/catching preference).

There's quite a bit more but there's a few things I won't do:

Kill my enemies. Killing is for the uncreative and will be highly frowned upon by me. There's almost always a better way to destroy your enemies. For me, as Almighty, there's ALWAYS a better way to destroy my enemies.

For instance: Fundamentalist terrorists, militant anarchists, religious wackos and other troubemakers who specialize in convincing other people to engage in violent acts will be stripped of their most powerful weapons; Other people. I will give them each their own personal Earth devoid of other people where they can spend the rest of their lives in peace and quiet... until the ownerless wild dogs start becoming a problem. :p

Answer Prayers: Pray all you want, I'm probably not listening. That's not to say that I'm an unsympathetic God that won't help out from time to time, but whining about it won't convince me. :)
Sounds good. All hail Lunatic Goofballs! Mud ftw!

...At the end of your life, you meet your maker and he says:

"Who goes to heaven? People who preach the goodness of Porn and the divinity of Chocolate, why of course. What else they believe doesn't matter. Except believers in interstellar travel, who will get a free ship each to travel the galaxy and inseminate aliens with huge knockers."

"Christianity? Sorry guys I was just fuckin' with ya. Bibles and stuff - just to check if you were paying attention, and to lead you away from Porn. It was your free-will you know, so I wasn't sure if I fooled anyone."

"Wow looked like it worked! Just look at the crowd here!" :D

Good plot for a SiFi book. If you write it and they make it into a movie you could become rich.

Good plot for a SiFi book. If you write it and they make it into a movie you could become rich.

Rich enough to do more Porn and Chocky bits? Like them rock stars?

Rich enough to do more Porn and Chocky bits? Like them rock stars?

Anything is possible, after all Tom Clancy isn't exactly poor.:p