NationStates Jolt Archive

In all honesty Ive been up for 139 hrs now and I cant fall asleep. I need some help. Any sugestions you might have would be very much appriaciated, but please try not to bore me to sleep.

I didn't think that was possible. Hit your head against a wall like this :headbang:. Or get drunk and pass out.

I didn't think that was possible. Hit your head against a wall like this :headbang:. Or get drunk and pass out.


Its very possible and I'm not into pain and I don't drink.

In all honesty Ive been up for 139 hrs now and I cant fall asleep. I need some help. Any sugestions you might have would be very much appriaciated, but please try not to bore me to sleep.
I find that hard to believe...

At any rate, go to the doctor-- if that's true, something's wrong with you.

I find that hard to believe...

At any rate, go to the doctor-- if that's true, something's wrong with you.

Already saw one he gave me some crap sleeping pills and recomended I see a shrink. the pills didn't help much and the dhirk is giveing me a headache.

I find that hard to believe...

At any rate, go to the doctor-- if that's true, something's wrong with you.

But you probably don't want to drive. *nodnod*

Its very possible and I'm not into pain and I don't drink.
Oh well. you can sleep when you're dead.
Or take some sleeping pills or something

But you probably don't want to drive. *nodnod*

My dorm mate drove me.

Already saw one he gave me some crap sleeping pills and recomended I see a shrink. the pills didn't help much and the dhirk is giveing me a headache.

Here, try this. It works for me.

1st. MAke sure there is all the noise you are acustomed to.

2nd. No lights (obviously).

3rd. Convince yourself, "I will go to sleep. I wil lgo to sleep."

4th. Close your eyes.

5th. Do this again, and wait, totally relaxed.

6th. Repeat until you fall asleep! Longest it's ever been for me was like 8 tries.

Oh well. you can sleep when you're dead.
Or take some sleeping pills or something

I don't like the death idea and the pills don't work to well.

I don't like the death idea and the pills don't work to well.

Erm, yeah. Avoid the death part.

Here, try this. It works for me.

1st. MAke sure there is all the noise you are acustomed to.

2nd. No lights (obviously).

3rd. Convince yourself, "I will go to sleep. I wil lgo to sleep."

4th. Close your eyes.

5th. Do this again, and wait, totally relaxed.

6th. Repeat until you fall asleep! Longest it's ever been for me was like 8 tries.

at about step 5 I start to have problems.

Erm, yeah. Avoid the death part.

I plan on doing that. the avoiding I mean.

at about step 5 I start to have problems.

By "totally relaxed" I mean ABSOLUTELY. Do absolutely nothing. (Except breathe, of course.)

Eventually, it will happen. Force yourself.

I didn't think it was possible without the use of drugs. If there is drugs involved the first step is obviously stop taking them.

If drugs aren't involved see a doctor, seriously. If it really has been over 5 days you're on the verge of seeing the really dark side of sleep deprivation. You really don't want to go there.

I plan on doing that. the avoiding I mean.

Phew...

Good.

I didn't think it was possible without the use of drugs. If there is drugs involved the first step is obviously stop taking them.

If drugs aren't involved see a doctor, seriously. If it really has been over 5 days you're on the verge of seeing the really dark side of sleep deprivation. You really don't want to go there.

Yes, Lost Planet is right. Terrible things await you if you go much further. (If you REALLY want to know... ask. But I warn you.)

By "totally relaxed" I mean ABSOLUTELY. Do absolutely nothing. (Except breathe, of course.)

Eventually, it will happen. Force yourself.

You see if I force my self to relax then I start to fidget and when I fidget I get wound up. then I gat muscle cramps and the list goes on.

Meh, I only sleep three to five hours a day and I’ve been known to stay awake for more than 48 hours. Napoleon only took two two hour naps a day and he pwnd royal ass. Some people just need less sleep than others.

You see if I force my self to relax then I start to fidget and when I fidget I get wound up. then I gat muscle cramps and the list goes on.

Hmm... interesting. Just make yourself limp. Say, in your mind, "(your name), realax. (your name), you will relax."

Ok alow me to clerify one thing. I am not on any type of drug.

Ok alow me to clerify one thing. I am not on any type of drug.

That makes it that much easier.

Meh, I only sleep three to five hours a day and I’ve been known to stay awake for more than 48 hours. Napoleon only took two two hour naps a day and he pwnd royal ass. Some people just need less sleep than others.

Because of college and work I average 5hrs of sleep for every 48 that I'm awake.

Hmm... interesting. Just make yourself limp. Say, in your mind, "(your name), realax. (your name), you will relax."

Thats still forcing my self into relaxation. I'm not a fearking zen monk!

I've never had insomnia as bad as that!

What has worked for me in the past is just ignoring the problem. I'll start projects, clean, cook, read. Eventually, my body will rebel and I'll start nodding off. Then I will try to force myself to stay awake. Eventually, I'll fall out of whatever chair I'm in and wind up asleep on the floor.

Thats still forcing my self into relaxation. I'm not a fearking zen monk!

Niether am I (I'm an athiest). But it does work for me, at least. In the end, you have control over your own body. It's possible to calm yourself down without using force.

In all honesty Ive been up for 139 hrs now and I cant fall asleep. I need some help. Any sugestions you might have would be very much appriaciated, but please try not to bore me to sleep.
*trys to stay away from drugs*

aw fuck it, smoke some weed, or get drunk, or the moral way.. see a doctor, im for the first 2 but i strongly suggest the 3rd option.

I've never had insomnia as bad as that!

What has worked for me in the past is just ignoring the problem. I'll start projects, clean, cook, read. Eventually, my body will rebel and I'll start nodding off. Then I will try to force myself to stay awake. Eventually, I'll fall out of whatever chair I'm in and wind up asleep on the floor.

see problem is if I start doing something intresting I know I will be up for another 24 at least. now when i try to stay awake it normaly works.

*trys to stay away from drugs*

aw fuck it, smoke some weed, or get drunk, or the moral way.. see a doctor, im for the first 2 but i strongly suggest the 3rd option.

I don't drink and I don't drug for the last time! and I all ready saw a Dr.

Already saw one he gave me some crap sleeping pills and recomended I see a shrink. the pills didn't help much and the dhirk is giveing me a headache.


Return to doctor. Get better sedatives.

Short term obviously as you don't want to be dependent on the pills, but at least they'll stop you going insane. Then I say, sleep clinic.

You see if I force my self to relax then I start to fidget and when I fidget I get wound up. then I gat muscle cramps and the list goes on.Concentrate on individual parts of your body, one area at a time, forcing that area to relax. I use the mental image of my body sort of sinking into the bed. When you have that area relaxed move on to another. Make sure you begin in a comfortable position so you don't feel the need to adjust.

I don't drink and I don't drug for the last time! and I all ready saw a Dr.
sorry, didnt read the whole thread..

try.. emm.. exercising?

Return to doctor. Get better sedatives.

Short term obviously as you don't want to be dependent on the pills, but at least they'll stop you going insane. Then I say, sleep clinic.

I don't know about the last part der Shrink is recomending I take a psych evaluation test to see If I am sane.

sorry, didnt read the whole thread..

try.. emm.. exercising?

That just gets me hyped on adrenilen or how ever you spell that word.

In all honesty Ive been up for 139 hrs now and I cant fall asleep. I need some help. Any sugestions you might have would be very much appriaciated, but please try not to bore me to sleep.

The trick I've been taught is to not worry about sleep because it will only sabatouge you. When you can't sleep, follow these steps:

1. Lie down on your back on a comfortable surface in the dark etc.
2. Close your eyes
3. Starting from your feet and moving up, tense one group of muscles as you breathe in, and as you breathe out, let them become loose. Repeat that until your whole body is at rest.
4. Breathe rythmically, focusing on some sort of calm, relaxing scene in your head.
5. Be patient. Sometimes, sleep is made mor elusive by your effort to sleep. Instead, take comfort in your relaxation and comfortable position. Sleep will come when it comes

If none of these things work go back to you doctor and tell him how long you have been without sleep!

That just gets me hyped on adrenilen or how ever you spell that word.
hmm, id say.. em.. eat alot ALOT ALOT of turkey?

The trick I've been taught is to not worry about sleep because it will only sabatouge you. When you can't sleep, follow these steps:

1. Lie down on your back on a comfortable surface in the dark etc.
2. Close your eyes
3. Starting from your feet and moving up, tense one group of muscles as you breathe in, and as you breathe out, let them become loose. Repeat that until your whole body is at rest.
4. Breathe rythmically, focusing on some sort of calm, relaxing scene in your head.
5. Be patient. Sometimes, sleep is made mor elusive by your effort to sleep. Instead, take comfort in your relaxation and comfortable position. Sleep will come when it comes

If none of these things work go back to you doctor and tell him how long you have been without sleep!

You see the problem with that is I take sevral forms of martial arts and one of my drills is to do something very similar to that. so my body will prepare for what comes after the drill which is physical activity.

hmm, id say.. em.. eat alot ALOT ALOT of turkey?


I'm not alowed to eat a lot my recruiter would kill me If I did that.

You see the problem with that is I take sevral forms of martial arts and one of my drills is to do something very similar to that. so my body will prepare for what comes after the drill which is physical activity.

Do any chi/ki/chakra/whateverthehellyawannacallit exercises? Whether or not you believe in them, they can affect your body fairly strongly (chemical reactions, mostly). If you're used to it, focus on having the chi in your body slowly leech away into the ground or matress. That may help.

Most importantly: try to relax, try to remain still and calm (while remaining comfortable), but do not concentrate on going to sleep, because it will keep you awake more surely than anything else will.

I'm not alowed to eat a lot my recruiter would kill me If I did that.
ok then.

what is your days like? what is your rutine?

sorry for the spelling errors, im drunk

Do any chi/ki/chakra/whateverthehellyawannacallit exercises? Whether or not you believe in them, they can affect your body fairly strongly (chemical reactions, mostly). If you're used to it, focus on having the chi in your body slowly leech away into the ground or matress. That may help.

Most importantly: try to relax, try to remain still and calm (while remaining comfortable), but do not concentrate on going to sleep, because it will keep you awake more surely than anything else will.

an interestin notion alow me to ponder that for a minute. Hmmmmm.......

take some Meltonin and put on some relaxing quiet music, like soundcapes or something.

Also according to Saving Private Ryan if you try to stay AWAKE you'll go to sleep easier.

hope it helps

ok then.

what is your days like? what is your rutine?

sorry for the spelling errors, im drunk


Class from 7am till 11. then work at 1230 till 4 then back to class from 530 till 12.

take some Meltonin and put on some relaxing quiet music, like soundcapes or something.

Also according to Saving Private Ryan if you try to stay AWAKE you'll go to sleep easier.

hope it helps

nmh but thanks anyways.

Class from 7am till 11. then work at 1230 till 4 then back to class from 530 till 12.
seems weird that you would have insomnia.. no real energy makers in there..

i dunno why, but coffee calms me down for sleep..

ok then.

what is your days like? what is your rutine?

sorry for the spelling errors, im drunk
and I have weakends and fridays off work and school

seems weird that you would have insomnia.. no real energy makers in there..

i dunno why, but coffee calms me down for sleep..

coffe makes me hyper.

coffe makes me hyper.
get a new doc :p

really tho, i give up..

alright, thanks to all who posted. I think i'll go see what the other threads have to offer.

Well, the good news is that the situation isn't as bad as many seem to think. I think it takes several weeks of sleep deprivation for permanent effects to occur...




Here are a bunch of tips from wiki. I'd discuss more, but ironically, I'm going to go to bed. Good luck!

* Sufferers of insomnia should avoid all caffeine. Caffeine is often a factor in insomnia, including insomnia in night-shift workers. Caffeine is found in coffee, tea, yerba mate (Ilex paraguaiensis), guarana, Kola nut (this includes all cola drinks); it is also found in "energy" sodas like Red Bull and similar, chocolate bars and other candy. Drink herbal teas or plain water instead of caffeine-containing liquids. Although cocoa does not contain any caffeine, it contains another stimulant, theobromine.

-hopefully you could have figured that one out for yourself ;)

* The bedroom environment should be conducive to sleep. Some people are very sensitive to light while others are sensitive to noise. The bedroom should be dark and quiet at night.

-same

* Try to avoid thinking of worries, fears and perhaps phobias. Such concerns are likely to prevent the mind from resting and may be exaggerated. It is a good idea to write down any particular worries that are bothering you, keeping a diary or noting down your emotions and thoughts can be very cathartic and any particular worries can be revisited and dealt with at a more appropriate time.

-worries including insomnia, that is.

* Write down plans for the next day, so you can go to sleep without fear of forgetting anything important.

-be sure to include sleeping in that plan. Lots of sleeping :) Hopefully it'll happen

* Calm, relaxing music can help as it gives you something neutral to focus on and some are reported to relax you by tuning your brain in to certain rhythms, allowing you to fall into a deeper sleep.

-it always takes a great effort for me to stay awake during Mass. Perhaps you should try it?

* Avoid use of the computer and television immediately before sleeping, as they stimulate the visual cortex.

-this might be part of the problem as much as it is a part of the solution.

* Practice good sleep hygiene. Do not use the bed for too many activities besides sleep. Using the bed for reading, writing, watching TV and other such non-sleep-related activities will lower your association of the bed with sleeping. Similarly, try to keep to a regular schedule of what time to go to bed and what time to wake up. Try not to sleep during the daytime.

-"sleep hygiene". :p

* Sleep apnea can be a cause of insomnia. While a visit to the doctor will help in the diagnosis or ruling out of sleep apnea, a definitive answer will have to come from a study at a sleep lab.

-then again, you've already seen the doctor...

* Sometimes lack of sleep is indicative of an emotional problem that's not being dealt with. If a person is not happy with their lifestyle, or they are putting off problems that should be dealt with, it can often result in sleeping trouble. Just as the human body has nutritional requirements, all people have social and environmental requirements. Sometimes more social activities can help.

-and that's where that psychiatrist comes/came in

* Patients with depression may suffer from insomnia. A doctor can treat this, sometimes by changing or adding prescriptions.

-you're probably only depressed because you haven't slept in days, if you are depressed.

* In the Buddhist tradition, people suffering from insomnia or nightmares may be advised to meditate on "loving-kindness", or metta. This practice of generating a feeling of love and goodwill can have a soothing and calming effect on the mind and body[1]. This seems to stem partly from the creation of relaxing positive thoughts and feelings, and partly from the pacification of negative ones. In the Mettā Sutta, Siddhartha Gautama, "The Buddha" tells the gathered monks that easeful sleep is one benefit of this form of meditation.

-so, to help relax, don't just think "RELAX! RELAX! RELAX!!!!" think pleasant thoughts.

* Exercise taken earlier in the day may help by reducing stress and promoting tiredness.

-already recommended

* Sexual activity before sleep can help some.

-:fluffle:

* Obscure allergies, such as dairy allergies, can sometimes cause sleeping disorders. Other symptoms may be very mild, such as slightly stuffed sinuses. A nutritionist can make helpful dietary and supplement recommendations.

-it's a possibility

* If an alarm has been set, avoid looking at the clock during the night and cover the display if necessary. This prevents mental calculations of how much sleep has been lost so far and how little sleep can be obtained before the alarm will sound. Accepting that the amount of sleep obtained can only be determined upon waking, not while waiting to get to sleep, may also be beneficial.

-and then there's that...

Well, the good news is that the situation isn't as bad as many seem to think. I think it takes several weeks of sleep deprivation for permanent effects to occur...

Damn thats a freaking long post!!!

Damn thats a freaking long post!!!

I'll try to whip up a longer one, if you think that'll get you snoring ;)

* Sexual activity before sleep can help some.


If you can find me a willing girl I'll try it.

I'll try to whip up a longer one, if you think that'll get you snoring ;)

it just migh do the trick.

If you can find me a willing girl I'll try it.

I'll ask my ladyfriends if any of them are turned on by sleep deprivation ;)

it just migh do the trick.

lol


Well, here's a copy of the second longest post I've ever made. The longest post literally contained Much Ado About Nothing...



I thought I'd contribute my story. It's probably very confusing at first, but I think it flows much more logically as it progresses.

Flame me, mock me, advise me, console me, reply or not. It doesn't matter to me. What I am looking for is someone to listen to what I have to say. I won't even be offended if you don't read all of it- it's a series of connected anecdotes. And if you just want the gist, read the last three paragraphs of Act I.


Act I

The first time I really noticed her was within a few days of the start of school. Cantrell (the teacher) had us write journals/essays, and Her writing captivated me. I was genuinely impressed. And so came the first motivational drive towards self-improvement. I wanted to write like Her. And I remember wanting to impress her with my writing… I always want to impress people with my writing, even these personal journals. It’s kind of a tragic flaw- I have a sense that it will be- in fact, is, on some levels, my undoing, as tragic flaws are wont to be. For I will probably share these writings, and not just with one individual. But for now, I can take some comfort in knowing that I myself am always free to look back through them, for support, continuity, recollection, chronicling, and all the rest. Interesting. I have fallen in love with Her writing on numerous occasions, and so it seems, (as in it seems to be the reason) I use writing when thinking of her (in other words, [writing pun, LoL!] I have been writing a lot lately).

Lord, allow me to reflect on the positive qualities of love without obsessing over that which is not You, and allow me to reflect on the negative qualities of love without despairing about that which is Your work for my soul.

Now, to continue to reflect… things have progressed. Time, as it is wont to do, has moved onward. Auditions for Clue went well on my end, and they went wonderfully on Her end. She wrote a wonderful monologue and her impromptu was excellent. We both got the roles we desired. I fell in love with her writing again, and I remember sitting in the seats of the auditorium admiring her- but in a much lighter way than I would in days to come.

As Clue progressed, She was put in charge of making visual advertisements (i.e. posters) because of her artistic abilities. Her artwork is fantastic! I remember how impressed the class (including Cantrell) was when she brought it in to show. Amazing! The only fault was that the posters were too large for mass production- then again, that wasn’t really a fault, because it made them all the more beautiful and magnificent. And, when Cantrell said they were too large, she produced appropriately sized versions in a day or two, which were then mass-produced and distributed- fun times! Did I mention she is an excellent artist? The too-large posters? They were featured, hanging down in glory from the 2nd story boardwalk of the Hub. There was a small flaw in the Colonial Mustard drawing- or so she said- but I didn’t think it was a problem at all. She’s good with sharpies. I remember being ecstatic to see my own image as Colonial Mustard, viewed through Her mind.

She helped with set construction as well. She was assigned the task of going to the paint store (the very generous Pittsburgh Paints, that is), and I am selected, by my father, to drive her- probably partially due to the fact that my father knows her mother, partially due to the fact that I am a safe driver whom he trusts, and partially due to the fact that I am only suited for a few tasks when it comes to set construction. It was around this time that I began to realize that I love Her- I remember being very glad to have a small adventure with her. I drove, and she rode, to the store. We had to look for light green paint and dark green, as well as reds, some blue, and various tans. We were equipped with the Clue gameboard for color reference, (which I accidentally left there, I think) and as we got the receipt paid, I read Get Fuzzy comics on the wall, and noticed an advertisement for Clue hanging down from the counter. We got the paint, and headed towards home base, the school, triumphantly. Nothing particularly astonishing happened at the paint store, but it was one of only two occasions I can remember being alone together with Her… and since this occasion occurred before the train of fate had rolled far down the tracks towards ruin; it was the happier of the two. And it was around this time that I began to realize that I didn’t just like her a lot, I love her. No past tense about it- and although the wounds are slowly healing, I do not know what scarring will remain. Suffice to say, I am a very different person than I was one year ago, and I never will be that old person again.

After set construction, I almost went to dinner with Ryan, Sergio, and Her. You see, I was supposed to give Her her ride home after set. Ryan and Sergio invited her to the Chinese Super-buffet, things fell through somewhere and somehow… she was able to go, then she wasn’t. I’m not sure how it all ended. I can’t even remember if she went and I, for some reason, did not, or if she didn’t go- I seem to that I left thinking she couldn’t go and then she could but it was too late for me, or I gave it up, or something melodramatic like that. But this, of all my recollections, is the one I trust the least.

It was around this time that I first confided in someone else about my feelings (having just recently admitted their scope to myself). The conversation was short, and very helpful to the whole tenor of my mind. I invited (semi-commanded, as only very good friends can do without being insulting) him to walk with me after school and talk about what was on my mind. I told him I was in love with his old freshman mentoree, and he said something like “yeah, that’s understandable.” Not in the sense that he was in love with her too, mind you, but in the sense that he could see where I was coming from. We talked a bit more, and the consensus was that I should ask her out. But I wasn’t ready yet. Not only did I have the normal apprehensions, anxieties and second-thoughts, but I also was in a crisis of discernment. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a Catholic priest, which means the big “c” word, Celibacy. Of course, that presented a direct conflict, and so I had to seriously re-evaluate a choice that I never had reason to seriously re-evaluate before- probably the best thing that’s happened to me thus for, when my life is viewed through the lens of self-improvement.

There is one memory, which was glorious and the validity of which I do not doubt; which gave me sustaining albeit unfounded, hope for a whole month. And because it comforted me for such a time (and still comforts me, in some strange way, even today), I cherish that memory. But it is a small one.

It is the memory of the time during Clue rehearsal when She was talking about her own personality- and she concluded with, “that’s probably why I can never get a boyfriend”- which meant that she was available and looking. Oh, how that gave me hope. I should have asked her then, but I was lost in the moment, lost in her, too busy enjoying it all to do anything else… as is often the case around her.

Waiting had a cost. Gradually, I noticed Her hanging around Him. To be honest, it pains me more to censor His name than Hers. Probably because it seems somewhat sacrilegious (God is always the capital He) and also because this is not his fault in the slightest- it may or may not be mine, (that is something I am trying to figure out) but either way, it certainly isn’t His. And yet, He plays the role of unwitting antagonist in this tale of mine. Let us look back, one last time, to the happy period…

During Clue, she played her role well; it was a good part for her. After all, she always wanted a physicist husband. But more of interest were the times in Clue and Clue rehearsal when we weren’t acting- well, not acting on stage, at least. All life is an act, of course. As Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage”. But there are times when honesty and sincerity shine through. Such, I do hope, was the character of the scene I shall now describe. She walked in a circle around us as we lay on the floor of the darkened stage- we were worn out from many hours of practice, and she was full of energy and light as always. He was the other one lying down as we talked, and She traced an infinity symbol over and over as she paced. We discussed some philosophy (my favorite subject), and although nothing especially significant happened (except, possibly, the significance of Infinity…), I shall never forget it. The memory of lying in bliss, discussing philosophy with Her (He, no discredit intended to him, is a quiet man and did not much contribute to the conversation) even now brings me great joy.

And so comes the dark turning. I began to suspect, I noticed them always sitting together in class. And I would always make every undetectable effort to sit near Her. My suspicions turned to fear. I continued to confide in my confidant (who else are you to confide in, when you cannot confide in yourself without bias?), and gradually became more certain. My fear, (skipping, the famous progression of anger and hate by force of will and discipline) turned into suffering. The main turning point was during the fall play… the way they stuck together at intermission, it was obvious that they were dating. But, as I told my confidant at the time, I did not consider my own observation to be a credible source (I literally could not believe my eyes). I knew then and I know now that fear can inflate fear, and hope can inflate hope, leading to false senses of reality. But to my chagrin, he noticed the same thing.

All uncertainty and hope dissolved suddenly one day in Symphonic Band, when someone mentioned in a gossipy fashion Her as His girlfriend. Trying to act nonchalant with the desperation of a criminal in direct danger of being caught, I asked if she meant it in a jocular, metaphorical sense, or in a more literal sense (I used much more colloquial language at the time, of course). She said that they were definitely dating, and the slight segue in the conversation ended along with the vague optimism that I had kept a tenuous hold on for a number of weeks. I realized the only woman I have ever loved could never know I love her, unless circumstances beyond my control changed drastically.

Steeling myself for the occasion when I would announce my cares for her suddenly seemed like it had been a bad choice. Bridges are built to bend- any engineer will tell you that. If a bridge does not bend, when it breaks, it will snap into many pieces and be impossible to repair. A flexible bridge, on the other hand, bows so the strain is visible. Of course, in a human, this is a sign of weakness, this getting nervous and fidgeting under the strain. Not an acceptable thing. But a flexible bridge will outlast a rigid one. And when a flexible bridge breaks, it can be repaired.

They say no man is an island, but it is my view that people are islands, connected by bridges. The bridge I built between myself and Her was designed to take the potential shock of rejection without flinching. It was one of the most rigid mental structures I have ever built. It was made to bear the weight of my world as I rolled it from an island built for one to an island big enough for two. As part of my mental preparation, I had rolled my world halfway across the span, waiting for either confirmation or rejection to decide where it would go from there. It turned out to be a precarious position, because when it was revealed that my feelings were to be neither substantiated nor denied, but left to languish away, unnoticed, unheard… the bridge shattered into a thousand shards, and my world plummeted into the Sea.



Act II

Ever since I learned that They were dating, I have clung, in my insanity, to the hope that perhaps the relationship will end after a short time, as high school relationships so often do. Before I found out, I had established the habit of hanging out with Her and Him in the lobby during Ensemble class, a habit which formed when we were given our monologue assignments. We would all hang around one of the corners of the lobby, memorizing our monologues and testing each other’s knowledge of our monologues among small talk on various subjects. I was always looking for subtle ways to win Her affection (looking back, I am able to say without reserve or guilt that I do not believe I crossed any lines), and one of my favorite things to do was to show my knowledge around her. For example, when another actor asked about a peculiar phrase in their monologue- “My black English will go unheeded”- I did not hesitate to share my view, that it was a Victorian way of saying “my warnings will be ignored”. Being Herself something of a linguist, she agreed and said that that was probably a good interpretation. (Looking back, that interpretation might not have been correct, depending on whether the piece was contemporary or Victorian. If it were a contemporary piece, the phrase “black English” may have meant “Ebonics”).

Another time I tried to impress her with my knowledge was when we were hanging out just outside the lobby during a light rain, and we talked about everything from the reasons that the leaves change color to dimensions to rainfall. During that conversation, it was her turn to teach me a thing or two, which impressed me very much (most of the science teachers only tell me what I already know, and so I did not expect to learn from a fellow student) and made me love her even more.

The best of all the times in the lobby started with me staring at the carpet, primarily because I am careful to avoid staring at her (I usually read the Summa Theologiae when I hung out with them).

She asked me why I was staring at the carpet, and I said I was looking for the pattern- very true. I always look for the pattern in tiles, wallpapers, carpets, etc. But the carpet of the Lobby was one pattern that I could never figure out. The carpet was laid out in 2x2 foot squares of fabric. The squares could only be distinguished because where one square met another was the only place where the pattern ended abruptly and did not flow. Normally, when I had found the squares, I could match where one section of the pattern was identical with another part of the pattern and from that matching, figure out which square matched which other square and then what the original pattern had looked like. But these squares were an exception. No two squares were alike. The patterns repeated, but not in an organized manner. Some sections were oriented differently, and they all were cut off by the end of the square at different points. You could see the continuation of one of the pattern segments (what it would have looked like if the pattern hadn’t ended) in another square, where the pattern continued for a few more inches (although it may have been oriented differently). This mismatching of patterns lead me to believe that the pattern did not repeat in the same way the squares repeated… since the squares were two feet by two feet, the pattern itself may have been three meters by three meters, or some other such mismatched unit of measure. Then, when the tiles were cut, they were laid in a fairly random order and with random orientation, suggesting that squares had been assembled together to form the carpet when the whole array was already in the lobby, instead of at the factory. All of these observations I shared with her, pointing out the things I was describing as I went along. When I had finished, she said “you’d make a good scientist”…

Hanging out in the lobby with Them was one of the most positive times of my life. I was able to love Her from a safe distance, without infringing on His or Her rights. The problem with it was that it fueled me along in my love-which-should-not-have-been (I realized early on that if I had known that they were dating at the beginning, I probably would not have fallen in love with her out of respect for both of them [of course, they weren’t dating at the beginning]). The action of basking in my love for Her was innocent enough, but it led to brooding, obsession, and a general collapse of my ability to function.

For a long time, I had been using my English class to write essays and think about things other than the material the teacher was going over. I know that my father would be enraged to hear this, but I felt that there was no wrongdoing in my exchanging the predetermined curriculum for an accelerated version. I paid enough attention in class to maintain a B/C average, but most of my time in English was spent writing personal essays and thoughts. It was in this setting ignoring the teacher and writing on loose sheets of paper, that I began to brood about her instead of simply admiring Her. At first, my essays involving Her were very secret, never even directly discussing love, let alone mentioning Her.

As I found myself thinking of Her more and more often throughout the day and mental pressure built, I decided it would be a good idea to confide in my father. My friend-confidant certainly had more insight to the actual situation, but he was not able to offer advice based on the experience of years as my father was. As we hiked through the wilderness on a camping trip, I whispered to my father that I would like to have a personal chat with him, out of earshot from the rest of the group. We fell back in line, and I told my father my situation (all of it, from the first meeting to the paint store up to what was then the present). He revealed some of his knowledge of the general situation to me (he knew Her mother before I met Her). It did, as I had hoped it would, provide some mental release, but he could not tell me what to do aside from what I was already doing- prayerful consideration and patient thought.

Near the end of January, I had an interesting experience which prolonged my love/insanity/obsession (I am uncertain of what to call it anymore…). One of my friends (we’ll call him “Joe”) had gotten wind of the fact that I liked someone and, because he was totally unaware of the situation, had been trying to get me to tell him who it was for about a week. The Choir went on a trip to Cleveland, and both Joe and Her were there, as well as myself. As Joe and I ate lunch together at the food court, She stopped by and we chatted for a bit. Just after she left, Joe said, “it’s her, isn’t it?” I have always been good at hiding my expressions, and so I was surprised and somewhat worried: had I been showing more than I thought I was? I asked, “is it that obvious?” and he said, “not on your end”. The impact of those four words was great. Just to be sure (Joe has a habit of sarcastic kidding), I later asked him if he was being totally sincere when he said that, or if it was a sort of a cruel joke. He said that he was totally honest about it; he wouldn’t torture me like that. Considering I had just helped him through some relationship issues of his own, I was inclined to agree with him.

At this point, the spring musical, Seussical, was getting near and there was practice basically every day. Every single person mentioned in this memoir was involved in Seussical, thus making Seussical- related activities the perfect staging ground for dramatic action in this narrative. If I had been aware of that fact when it was time for auditions for Seussical… well, I probably would have gone through with the whole ordeal anyways. We learn from failure, not from success.

The second-biggest failure that relates to this memoir involved the personal website database known as Xanga. It was there that I broke down and invited everyone I knew to find out what had been bothering me for almost half a year. And I quote:


“For those of you who don't know, I am very much in love.
The problem is, I am very much in love with someone who is dating someone else.”


The ramifications were… interesting. Apparently I left the window with my Xanga open and my father “Happened” to read it (Big Brother is watching you). Which began a long conversation, during which I submitted a proposal that I had been considering for a while: I would tell my feelings to Him. Telling Her would be a stupid mistake, making Him furious and probably leaving Her angry at me for putting her in an uncomfortable situation, but I reasoned that I could tell Him, in a man-to-man talk, so that he would be aware of the situation. Perhaps I could talk through things with him, I thought. After a two-hour conversation, he agreed, I should go through with it, if I sincerely thought it would help to cure me. He also suggested that I remove the dramatic posts from my Xanga, but I wasn’t ready for that just yet.

My conversation with my father ended when the phone rang. It was my older brother, who had heard from His older brother that I wanted to talk to Him concerning Her- for I had first tried to make contact with Him the evening before, just after posting the Xanga entry. I had told Him that I wanted to talk to him face-to-face about something important, and when asked, I had told him that it was about his girlfriend. Anyways, the conversation that I had with my brother was just as intense as the one that I had just finished having with my father. At first, he thought that telling Him about my feelings was a bad move, but as we discussed the whole situation, we eventually concluded that it was the right thing to do- He had a right to know, to be warned (so did She, but to tell her would be disastrous).

I had updated my Xanga on a Friday, and before the weekend was over (I planned to talk with Him after Seussical practice on Monday), I had also talked through the situation with the pastor at my church. That talk was mostly centered around what my love of Her meant regarding my calling to the priesthood, and he offered me some very good advice: you can say “no” to God. If you do say “no”, he will provide you with a different way in which you can say “yes!” to him. Of course it is always best to say “yes!” to God, but God will not abandon you if you find yourself saying “no”. My pastor was the only one who thought that telling Him the situation would be a bad idea, that it would cause only pain and that there was no reason for it. Perhaps he was right, perhaps not. Either way, I feel much more guilty about the Xanga fiasco than I feel about my desire to tell Him.

Throughout the school day, I was bombarded with questions- who is it? Do I know her? Who is it? What grade is she in? Who is it?- everyone wanted to know. It made me feel terrible, and I realized that the Xanga entry was just too much. I privatized it (made it so that only I could see it) as soon as I got home.

During play practice on that day, when we were in the relative privacy of the back of the auditorium, He suggested that we talk then about what needed to be said. I had expected more time to mentally prepare, so I was somewhat hesitant. Sensing my hesitation, he told me “you should never be afraid to say what’s on your mind”. And so I did. I told him I was in love with his girlfriend but (and it was the most hastily added “but” I am aware of ever using) I had absolutely no interest in threatening their relationship. I was resigned to keep it to myself for as long as their relationship lasted. I wanted to say more, but looking back, it is probably best that he went away quietly just after I finished saying that, because neither of us were in a sane state of mind, and any conversation would have likely turned sour very quickly.

He never avoided me, I was as aware of that then as I am now. He did not avoid me, but he did not make himself open to talk with me, either. Our relationship carried on as it had for as long as we have known each other- polite small talk, nothing serious. I wanted to sit and talk things through with him just as I had my first confidant, my father, Joe, my brother, and my pastor, but it was his move. If he did not wish to talk things through with me, it was his right. I was a guest in the house of his personal life. I had knocked on the door politely, but since I was carrying a bomb that would, in all likelihood, damage his house and injure him deeply if he let me in, it was (and is) certainly his right to choose to not discuss the matter with me.

The Xanga fiasco had (what I guiltily admit to be) the desired effect. She heard about it. That is really all I wanted from it, but it was probably going further than I had a right to, when combined with telling Him at the same time. But there was one time when I went even further, several weeks after that whole ordeal.

Hushima! thats long.....wow......um.....wow. and Make sure your lady friends are within an hours drive of DC.

Isnt that big post of yours considered spam?

Isnt that big post of yours considered spam?

I don't know... spam is, by definition, pointless, but that post had a point, to literally put you to sleep.

So, there's my justification!

:p

Hushima! thats long.....wow......um.....wow. and Make sure your lady friends are within an hours drive of DC.

Are you telling me that you're actually having a hard time finding women for "pleasurable company" in DC?

Ask the politicians how they do it ;)

Damn it do you honestly expect me to read that?!?!?!?

In all honesty Ive been up for 139 hrs now and I cant fall asleep. I need some help. Any sugestions you might have would be very much appriaciated, but please try not to bore me to sleep.

Read the UCMJ

Damn it do you honestly expect me to read that?!?!?!?

Nope, I would be very surprized if you did. I'm just using the possibility of you reading it and then falling asleep as an excuse to the mods...


good luck with getting a good night, I'm outta here!

Read the UCMJ

I think I'll pas....Yeah I wann sleep not commit suicide

Nope, I would be very surprized if you did. I'm just using the possibility of you reading it and then falling asleep as an excuse to the mods...


good luck with getting a good night, I'm outta here!

ok see ya.

Read the UCMJ

He wants to be asleep, not in a coma ;)




Also, he said "please try not to bore me to sleep." (which I just now noticed)

He wants to be asleep, not in a coma ;)




Also, he said "please try not to bore me to sleep." (which I just now noticed)

you were forgiven for missing that little detail.

He wants to be asleep, not in a coma ;)




Also, he said "please try not to bore me to sleep." (which I just now noticed)

Boredom is the best way to force ones self asleep. I think hes just being obstinant. Besides, hes joining the core, he should read some of the UCMJ. Its the fine print.

Boredom is the best way to force ones self asleep. I think hes just being obstinant. Besides, hes joining the core, he should read some of the UCMJ. Its the fine print.


When did I say that I was joining? your right by the way, but I dont remember menitoning it on this thread.

When did I say that I was joining? your right by the way, but I dont remember menitoning it on this thread.

I'm psychic. I am always right. Go read the UCMJ.

I'm psychic. I am always right. Go read the UCMJ.

I highly doubt that. How did you know?

I highly doubt that. How did you know?

I am in your chain of command right above Rumsfeld and below the Free Masons.

Dude this starting to get old how did you know?

Dude this starting to get old how did you know?

Think about it for a long time, it will cure your insomnia (but probably not your paranoia).

Gorramit just tell me! I don't feel like thinking!

Dude you mentioned a recruiter and just look at your sig.

Now get off the fucking computer and go to sleep!

...... I didn't think about that..... I think I will go to sleep now...... um yeah....I feel dumb.