NationStates Jolt Archive

I am on a jouney to find the most randomly funny quote, and need your help. Post them ether just plainly or as your signiture

I am on a jouney to find the most randomly funny quote, and need your help. Post them ether just plainly or as your signiture

i wish i could remember who posted this...
Of course Cod exists, but not just in the Christian sense. We must also remember that the Hindus revere him in the form of Fishnu.

i wish i could remember who posted this...
Of course Cod exists, but not just in the Christian sense. We must also remember that the Hindus revere him in the form of Fishnu.
"Fishnu!" ROFLMAO! :D

i wish i could remember who posted this...
Of course Cod exists, but not just in the Christian sense. We must also remember that the Hindus revere him in the form of Fishnu.
hahahahahahaha

Moe: Moe's Tavern
Bart: I there a lady there, last name: Huggenkiss, first name:Amanda
Moe: Is their Amanda Huggenkiss, Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss!
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!!!!!



LMAO

Moe: Moe's Tavern
Bart: I there a lady there, last name: Huggenkiss, first name:Amanda
Moe: Is their Amanda Huggenkiss, Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss!
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!!!!!



LMAO

What!?!?!?!?
That was random but not in a funny way
:(

What!?!?!?!?
That was random but not in a funny way
:(


Hmm maybe I didn't do it right. I guess "Simpsons" phone pranks aren't funny anymore.

Bart
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room

lemme set the mood: We're in class and everyones working on work.. or something..

*pause*

"It's quiet in here"

*everyone looks at me*

I think a dry-erase bumper sticker would be a good idea.

I think a dry-erase bumper sticker would be a good idea.
Well, I'm too lazy

Well, I'm too lazy

Then other people can fill it in for you. After all the marker would be attached to your bumper by velcro.

ALright Other people, do it

You don't think its a good idea?

There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Except for the Karma Sutra. And the Bible. And that hideous Where's Wally series.

I can't believe you people can't read my handwriting. The title is "The Importance of BONING Earnest." I declare.

"I have nothing to declare but my genius, and this four-kilo bag of cocaine." ~ Oscar Wilde

"Mmmmmmmmm...boobies" ~ Oscar Wilde

"He's gay? Whoa... I totally didn't know that..." ~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde

"I doubt, therefore I might be" ~ Oscar Wilde

* "I am Spartacus" - Oscar Wilde

* "No, I am Spartacus" - Oscar Wilde

* "Fuck you guys, I'm Oscar Wilde!" - Spartacus

"There is no such thing as heterosexual males. Just men who haven't met Oscar Wilde" ~ Oscar Wilde

"If my hand could get pregnant, today I would be the father and founder of the third global superpower." ~ Oscar Wilde

"It's not rape, think of it as surprise sex!" ~ Oscar Wilde

You asked afterall.....

/sigh/

Isn't it about time for you to run around flinging bags of correctional fluid at one another? Or did my penguin run out of gas again. /another sigh/ Damn, the prices these days... I tell you...



What?

"You young squirts couldn't lance a pimple without an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic drain and suture.... Soon we'll be operating by remote control on patients we never see.... We'll be nothing but button pushers. All the skill is going out of surgery.... All the know-how and make-do... Did I ever tell you about the time I performed an appendectomy with a rusty sardine can? And once I was caught short without instrument one and removed a uterine tumor with my teeth. That was in the Upper Effendi, and besides..." ~ Dr. Benway

upon seeing a cars number plate NRY 1963

friend : 1963 was a great year

me : why

friend : jesus was born that year.

whilst drunk in kos, greece

lemme set the mood: We're in class and everyones working on work.. or something..

*pause*

"It's quiet in here"

*everyone looks at me*
Thats happens to me so much... its creepy when it happens. And then the teacher is all pissed off at me.

"What's the difference between rape and seduction?"

"Salesmanship."

--can't remember who or when

Don't know who or when for most of these:

When Babies battle with Rhinos, everyone wins. - penny arcade.

No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

Democracy is fine so long as people think the right thoughts

If water were vodka and I was a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and never come up. But water ain't vodka and I'm not a duck, so hand me the bottle and SHUT THE FUCK UP

If I can't dance, I don't want to be a part of your revolution!

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)


:D

Epitaph:
Nietzsche is dead.
-God

One of my all-time favourites form the always reliable Overheard in New York site (http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/):


Mom: ...and you have to hold my hand before we go out into the street.
Little girl: Best fucking advice ever.

--106th & Broadway

I don't know the lines by heart but here it goes:

Arthur: Peasant, take me to your king!
Peasant: We don't have a king.
Arthur: Well then take me to whoever your leader is.
Peasant: We don't believe in leaders, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we elect a general comittee every 14 days, but that comitttee must in turn be ratified by a council,...
Peasant's wife: Oh shut up and get back to digging dirt.

:D

i got one from radar, in the sydney morning herald

overheard on a school bus from kid in Knox grammar uniform:
"Haha, your parents are so poor, they had to send you to Barker"

barker and knox are both very fancy private schools

"Rifles, muskets, long-bows and hand-grenades are inherently democratic weapons. A complex weapon makes the strong stronger, while a simple weapon—so long as there is no answer to it—gives claws to the weak." – George Orwell

http://monkeypup.org/media/pics/vader.jpg

forgot this one

"ot eb or ton be ot. taht is het nesquiot"

"Rifles, muskets, long-bows and hand-grenades are inherently democratic weapons. A complex weapon makes the strong stronger, while a simple weapon—so long as there is no answer to it—gives claws to the weak." – George Orwell

http://monkeypup.org/media/pics/vader.jpg

Nice one, I'm reading hommage to Catalonia now

I don't have the book with me, so I'm paraphrasing, but it comes from a Terry Pratchett work:

"If trouble were lightning, then this man would be standing atop the highest mountain, during a lightning storm, in a copper tub filled with water and attached to a metal pole, shouting "All gods are bastards!"."

Nice one, I'm reading hommage to Catalonia now
Thats the one after Revenge of the Sith, right?

"I faaart in your general direction. Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries."

Heres a quote...
I wanna bang Camilla Belle!


Well you're missing out on one of the better feelings the human body has to offer.-Commie Catholics

dded humour, i refer y'all to this site. trust me, you'll laugh your ass off.

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

"I faaart in your general direction. Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries."

Arthur: I am your king!
Dennis' Mother: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Dennis' Mother: Well, how'd you become King, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake,... [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: But you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: Shut up, will you? Shut up! [Grabs Dennis and shakes him]
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!

If only every thread could turn into a monty python skit. :p

"Semper Fi, Motherf***er."

"No one suspects the Spainish inqisition!"

-You better post a voice link soon
-or else.....
~What if i don't?
-you don't wanna find out =P
~I am sorry i don't have the capabilities right now
-Sorry my butt. You better get that clip posted soon, or else :D
~AVRIO METHAVRIO
-I do not have time to translate your silly Greek phrases =P
Nerd...
~OMG RACIST!!!
-The Greek language silly!
~Yes the Greek language is silly but you don't need to say it...
_-------------------------------_----------------------------_------------------------_-------------------
Well i enjoyed it anyways.:P

"Semper Fi, Motherf***er."

"No one suspects the Spainish inqisition!""Expects"...

"Expects"...
^^^See above.

-You better post a voice link soon
-or else.....
~What if i don't?
-you don't wanna find out =P
~I am sorry i don't have the capabilities right now
-Sorry my butt. You better get that clip posted soon, or else :D
~AVRIO METHAVRIO
-I do not have time to translate your silly Greek phrases =P
Nerd...
~OMG RACIST!!!
-The Greek language silly!
~Yes the Greek language is silly but you don't need to say it...
_-------------------------------_----------------------------_------------------------_-------------------
Well i enjoyed it anyways.:P
Heh, that wouldn't have been Aerou, by any chance? :p And still using the old Avrio Methavrio, are we? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Heh, that wouldn't have been Aerou, by any chance? :p And still using the old Avrio Methavrio, are we? Tsk, tsk, tsk.
No it wasn't*Shiftyeyes*
I've been using it for a wee while now.

If only every thread could turn into a monty python skit. :p

French soldiers:

1: Look, un cadeau!
2: What?
1: A present.
2: ahh, un cadeau!

No it wasn't*Shiftyeyes* :p

I've been using it for a wee while now. You don't say. :rolleyes: :p

:p

You don't say. :rolleyes: :p
Who are you?:confused:

dded humour, i refer y'all to this site. trust me, you'll laugh your ass off.

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html
That was hilarious.

Who are you?:confused:
Huh? *also confused*


Just to stay on topic, another one from overheardinnewyork.com:


MC guy: So...you've probably been out hitting the New Year's sales...What's the next holiday to get its own sale? Martin Luther King, Jr. Day? I wonder how they'll promote that sale.

Audience guy: ...Free at last!

--Sidewalk Cafe, Avenue A

Huh? *also confused*


Just to stay on topic, another one from overheardinnewyork.com:


MC guy: So...you've probably been out hitting the New Year's sales...What's the next holiday to get its own sale? Martin Luther King, Jr. Day? I wonder how they'll promote that sale.

Audience guy: ...Free at last!

--Sidewalk Cafe, Avenue A
Why is it that you are so straight forward with me?

Why is it that you are so straight forward with me? Um, now you're just messing with my head, right? I have no idea what you're talking about. Plus, I'm running out of random quotes.

Um, now you're just messing with my head, right? I have no idea what you're talking about. Plus, I'm running out of random quotes.
Yes, yes i am.

This thread should end on a high:

There are no disabled people, only those who've been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. - bored internet nerd

:p

This thread should end on a high:

There are no disabled people, only those who've been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. - bored internet nerd

:p

that is not random, that is taken from the Fourth Book of Norris Roundhousekickeronomy.

"hello. i found two dimes on the ground today. i picked them up and thought "cool. two dimes. wait a minute, this could be some kind of primitive jew detector."

even better. :D

====

<Harkila> i've always wondered what "holy shit" actually is
<Harkila> my strongest mental image is about the pope taking a crap
<bleak-> a radiant turd with a halo
<Rancid-> like, xbox?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Fearing python is possibly over done (and far too easy, although it id seem to fox someone who wanted to say "no-one expects the Spanish inquisition") I give my quote:


Zim, angry: Gir, why did you remove the guidance chip?
Gir: I had to make room for the cupcake...
*gir removes cupcake from his head and eats cup cake noisily and fast*
*pause*
Gir: I miss that little cup cake

later, same show

Zim, more angry this time: GIR! Why did you remove all of the rocket fuel?
Gir, whiney like it was obvious: I had to ake room for the tunaaaa...
*gir proceeds to suck tuna out of his leg*


Ah, invader Zim, gotta love it's randomness.

Some funny quotes:

I wasn't lookin at his neck

President Bush: Well, uh, I, um, well, we sh-

Me: CCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Bill Hicks, after a huge long rant about fundamentalist chirstians, the bible, dinosaurs and evolution

These two guys come up to me after the show and they start pushin me and they say "Hey Buddy, we're Christians and we don't like what you said"... I said "Well then forgive me..."

"Bring me a shrubbery!" - Monty Python
"Bring me... another shrubbery" - Monty Python

Okay, okay, enough of the Monty Python lines...

"Academy, n. A modern school where football is taught" - Ambrose Pierce
"Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief" - Ambrose Pierce
"Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited." - Ambrose Pierce
"The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote." - Babylon 5
"Cannot run out of time. Time, is infinite. You, are finite. Zathras, is finite. This, is wrong tool" - Babylon 5

dded humour, i refer y'all to this site. trust me, you'll laugh your ass off.

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html


Classic. Very good.

"what is your name ?
What is your quest?
what is your favorite color?'

Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing...

"I one time french kissed a horse" -High school senior during a share something interesting about yourself bit.

"Oh yeah, we are SO in Elko" - My friend in responce.

KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!

......Ahem, just to give an absolutely random post to quote.

"what about doug?"

"doug. . . . everyone was afraid of doug. i've seen grown men rip their own heads off in front of doug."

"did you ever meet him?"

"once. it was terrible. he used. . . .

sarcasm."

"sarcasm?"

"Sarcasm. puns. witty phrases. dramatic irony [etc]"


"Is this bolton?"
"no, ipswich"
"ipswich?"
"its a pun"

"who cured you?"
"Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster."

"I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am"

"You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body red and the other half green and then you can jump up and down in a bowl of treacle going "squawk, squawk, squawk..." And then you can go "Neurhhh! Neurhhh!" and then you can roll around on the floor going "pting pting pting"..."

"No, you see, you go way beyond simple 'grammatical errors'. Imagine the English language is a tender young cabana boy named Felipe. You are the traveling, lonely, sexually frustrated businessman named Jorge. One day you meet Felipe and begin to earn his trust. You learn a little about him, just enough to take advantage of him. Then one day you take Felipe, and in an attempt to serve your own selfish desires you rape him. You violate him. You turn Felipe's anus into a playground of blood, feces, and tears. After what you've done to Felipe, he will never been the same. He will never trust again. Never love again. Shame on you, Jorge. Shame on you."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -George Bush

So you are faced with a choice. On your right you see a scenery that could be ground breaking for your career, on your other side you see bush senior and bush junior drowning. Now will you use a color camera or an old fashion black and white?

"Ain't logical. rapin' and murdering - Hell, I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there's a woman, or if I'm gettin' paid - mostly only when I'm gettin' paid."

I think a dry-erase bumper sticker would be a good idea.
That is a good idea...

You can email me at OhReally@foxynews.com. And no obliviating...er, ovulating...er, whatever.

"Ain't logical. rapin' and murdering - Hell, I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there's a woman, or if I'm gettin' paid - mostly only when I'm gettin' paid."

TO THE MAN THEY CALL JEAN!

"Bring me a shrubbery!" - Monty Python
"Bring me... another shrubbery" - Monty Python

Okay, okay, enough of the Monty Python lines...

"Academy, n. A modern school where football is taught" - Ambrose Pierce
"Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief" - Ambrose Pierce
"Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited." - Ambrose Pierce
"The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote." - Babylon 5
"Cannot run out of time. Time, is infinite. You, are finite. Zathras, is finite. This, is wrong tool" - Babylon 5
BIERCE. Ambrose BIERCE.

"what about doug?"
*snip*


All Python. Not random.

From Bill Hicks, after a huge long rant about fundamentalist chirstians, the bible, dinosaurs and evolution

These two guys come up to me after the show and they start pushin me and they say "Hey Buddy, we're Christians and we don't like what you said"... I said "Well then forgive me..."

"Later, when I was hangin' from the tree..."

(Ya gotta finish the bit for the full effect, brother! Hicks rules!)

"Semper Fi, Motherf***er."

"No one suspects the Spainish inqisition!"
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!..."

All Python. Not random.
look, by the time i had typed them, python was killed.

and besides, they're not even obvious ones. to everyone.

fighting for peace is like f***ing for virginity

"Nelson's column? Pah! It is Nelson's willy!"

I am on a jouney to find the most randomly funny quote, and need your help. Post them ether just plainly or as your signiture

"I was so drunk the other day i bought a terrapin by mistake" - Strange girl i once slept with.

I loved the one I used to have in my sig.
Someone called me a "liberal atheist duck-f*cker."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield