NationStates Jolt Archive

Has anyone got any laugh out load jokes floating around in their heads? I seem to have used every joke I know in a bus trip from the cinema. Oh, and lets have some funny jokes...but nothing offensive!

Blood, gore, death, screams, bleeding, clowns.

Blood, gore, death, screams, bleeding, clowns.
All at the same time? Geez, that's a doosey of a joke.

Blood, gore, death, screams, bleeding, clowns.
Tehehe. Brilliance.

Has anyone got any laugh out load jokes floating around in their heads? I seem to have used every joke I know in a bus trip from the cinema. Oh, and lets have some funny jokes...but nothing offensive!
Somebody will find everything offensive.

That's not funny, but I had to say it....

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill
Two elephants fall off a cliff. Boom Boom!
Two Muslims walk into a bar. Boom Boom!
Two baby seals walk into a club. Boom Boom!
What key can open any lock? A pikey
What's got 100 balls and fucks rabbits? A shotgun
What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono

Punchlines in white text after each joke.

A farmer went out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see were cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The reality of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then an elderly woman walked by.
"What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub a cow's nose. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.


A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer,
"You know who that was don't you?", he asked the farmer.
"No", said the farmer.


"That was Dame Thora Hird." <----Punchline

"That was Dame Thora Hird."
:rolleyes: *Groans*

Seems three guys show up at the proverbial Pearly Gates... St. Peter says that the place is being remodeled and only one can come in. St. Pete says "whoever died the most unusual death can come in"...
First guy says, "I came home knowing my wife was having an affair... I looked every where in our 10th floor apartment, but couldn't find hide nor hair of the culprit until I looked out the balcony door and there were 10 little finger tips holding onto the floor. I looked over and sure enough, there the guy was dangling... I stomped on his fingers, yelling all the while, but he wouldn't let go. In a rage, I grabbed the refrigerator out of the kitchen and threw it over the rail... it hit him alright, but the electric cord wrapped around my leg and pulled me over too..." Next guy says "I was installing cable TV in an 9th floor apartment and had to stand on the railing to reach the cable from the floor above and slipped... I was hanging on for dear life when this madman starts screaming at me and stomping on my fingers and then he threw a refrigerator on me..." Last guy says "There I was, naked in this refrigerator...."

:rolleyes: *Groans*
Bad jokes as well as bad taste in music :p

I'm kidding. Though that was a poor joke. And Morning Runner are crap.

"That was Dame Thora Hird." <----Punchline
And she is?

http://funn-e-stuff.com/pictures/Michael%20Jackson/HomeAlone.jpg

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically,she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, Ma'am you had twins...... a boy and a girl.
The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and
had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named
them.The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother........ He's a clueless moron!
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my
daughter's name?Denise ," says the doctor The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother...... I like Denise.
Then she asks, "What's the boy' name?"

Denephew

And she is?
Do a google image search, foo'

And she is?
Very old (possibly dead) British actress.

Where's the best place to find political jokes? Washington DC
What's another word for political joke? politician
What's the antonym of politician? competent

Bad jokes as well as bad taste in music :p

I'm kidding. Though that was a poor joke. And Morning Runner are crap.

They are not crap! And that was a brilliant joke!

They are not crap! And that was a brilliant joke!
Right, I'll let the first one go on the grounds of personal opinion. But that joke was crap.

Right, I'll let the first one go on the grounds of personal opinion. But that joke was crap.

How kind of you ^^. Your jokes were just plain offensive.

some brit, i'm sure

What do you call a Native with his Doctorate? A doctor you racist.
No matter what temperature a room is, it is always room temperature.
What is the only differance between your mother and the ocean? The ocean has less crabs.
Micheal Jackson.

How kind of you ^^. Your jokes were just plain offensive.
Not all of them, but that's kind of the point. Anyway, I know far more offensive jokes than that, I just don't want to be banned.

AHEM!
(gets joke book.)

A knight runs forward to his king
"Your majesty i have returned with my armies after pillaging the towns of your enemies in the north!"


"...I dont have any enemies in the north?"

"Ah... i fear you do now sire."


ROFLMAOROXOZ ect.


A recently married man asked to see the reverand. "Reverand... is it right to profit from the mistakes of others?"
"Certainly not my son."
"Good, give me back the 50 i gave you for the wedding."



WHAT A WOMEN SAYS AND WHAT SHE MEANS.

We need ----> I want.
Do what you want ---> You'll pay for this...
I heard a noise! ---> i noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? ---> Theres something i want.
How much do you love me. ----> ive done something you wont like.
We need to talk ---> i need to complain
Your certainly attentive tonight---> Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, put the lights off ---> im putting on weight
The kitchen floor is so hard to clean---> buy me a new house
Hang the picture here---> hang the picture there.
Cant we just be friends---> no part of your body is ever touching me again
Yes---> No
No--->No
Maybe--->No




In the beginning god made the earth and rested.
Then he made man and he rested.
Then he made woman.
Since then neither man nor god has rested.



Bumper stickers.
If you can read this where the fuck is my caravan!
Ive found jesus too! hes in the trunk!
Traffic Wardens eat their young.
Born again Pagan
Trust in god! but lock your car.


Collective nouns
An Absense of Waiters
An Ambush of widows
an assemblage of jigsaws
an attitude of teenagers
a bevy of alcoholics
a billow of smokers
a chapter of authors
a charm of politicians
a clamour of journalists
a clutch of kleptomaniacs
a cupful of starlets
a density of metalheads



EPITAPHS
Here i lie by the churchyard door
Here i lie because im poor
the farther in the more you pay
but here i lie, as warm as they.


Open wide ye heavenly gates
that lead to the golden shore
our father suffered passing through
and mother weighs much more

Here lies one Wood
enclosed in wood
one wood
within another
the outer wood
is very good
we cannot praise the other.

What do you call a Native with his Doctorate? A doctor you racist.

In a similar vein:
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!

What kind of bee makes milk?

BOOBIES!!

In a similar vein:
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!
You should watch less of the O.C. :)

You should watch less of the O.C. :)
Never watched it in my life.

A man found a magic lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie who said," I am the genie of the lamp. I'll grant you 3 wishes. However, whatever you wish for, your ex gets double.
The man thinks for a while and says "I want a car".
Poof. He gets a car and his ex gets two.
"I want a house"
Poof. He gets a house and his ex gets two.
The man thinks some more before saying,"Beat me half to death"

Never watched it in my life.
Well either your friend should watch less of it, an webmaster should watch less of it or the O.C. editors should stop using jokes which you know!!! :p

Not all of them, but that's kind of the point. Anyway, I know far more offensive jokes than that, I just don't want to be banned.

And I'll admit it's usually the offensive jokes that are the funny ones. I call it incendiary humour

Well either your friend should watch less of it, an webmaster should watch less of it or the O.C. editors should stop using jokes which you know!!! :p
I'll go with the last one. Though I only really know offensive jokes. They're much funnier than non-offensive ones, as TND pointed out.

I'll go with the last one. Though I only really know offensive jokes. They're much funnier than non-offensive ones, as TND pointed out.

He said usually :mad:

Also, does anyone know who jake25021991 on Skype is? I'd guess he's from this site because nobody has ever spoken to me 'out of the blue' before I put that little ? thing on the side.

He said usually :mad:
Actually...which one(s) of my jokes did you find offensive?

I'm offended because I've been called a racist.
Racism is no laughing matter.

Has anyone got any laugh out load jokes floating around in their heads? I seem to have used every joke I know in a bus trip from the cinema. Oh, and lets have some funny jokes...but nothing offensive!
What kind of bees give milk? BOObees!!

What kind of bees give milk? BOObees!!
pwned. *hands taco*

I'm offended because I've been called a racist.
Racism is no laughing matter.
*Giggles* Mariehamn's a racist.

Mariehamn's a racist.
Takes one to know one. *sticks tongue out*

Takes one to know one. *sticks tongue out*
I know you are but what am I?

I know you are but what am I?
A doodie head!
Well, that was fun. I think I lost that. But, anyhow...
Does anyone else find written child humor hilarious?

A doodie head!
Well, that was fun. I think I lost that. But, anyhow...
Does anyone else find written child humor hilarious?
I was laughing...

gas bill
I mainly found that one offensive.

Well, it's a bit late for me. *goes to bed*

I mainly found that one offensive.
Figured it would be. It was probably the most offensive one there (unless you're muslim of course).

Night...chickening out of the rape thread are we? :p

Ok, here's another one:

Two muffins were in an oven. The first muffin said "O my god, we're in an oven!" The second muffin said, "O my god, you're a talking muffin."

Q) how do you tell if a Scotsman is a McDonald?
A) check under his kilt and see if he has a quarter pounder

dyslexic man walks into a bra

Q) what’s the biggest thing since sliced bread?
A) yo mom

man walks into a bar....and has an uneventful evening

Q) what’s the difference between a white farmer and a black farmer?
A) nothing what was you expecting something :mad:

wow most of those jokes are off here I am sad:(

What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.

How can you tell if the stage is level? The percussionist has drool coming out both sides of his mouth.

What's the difference between an ochestra and a bull? A bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

:rolleyes: *Groans*

I don't get it! Dame Thora Hird?

I don't get it! Dame Thora Hird?
It is a pun on the phrase "Thaw a herd" ;)

What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.

How can you tell if the stage is level? The percussionist has drool coming out both sides of his mouth.

What's the difference between an ochestra and a bull? A bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

are you hinting us piccolo players/flutists are assholes? :mad:

but other than that, good jokes. :D

are you hinting us piccolo players/flutists are assholes? :mad:

but other than that, good jokes. :D
No, who stands in front of the orchestra with a baton?

No, who stands in front of the orchestra with a baton?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I get it now. It's too easy to forget the band teachers/conductors. They're non-existant in my world.

A guy's been drinking at the local bar, now it's closing time and he has to leave. He stands up, but immediately falls to the floor. "Wow! I must be thoughter than I drunk." he says. He tries again, but still can't do it. he decides to crawl outside to get some air. He climbs to a standing postion on a streetlamp, but takes on step and falls down agian. He decides, what the hell? It's only a few blocks home so he just crawl. He gets into his house, tries to steady himself on the staircase bannister, but no good. He falls flat on his face again. So he crawls up the stairs, and into bed. In doing so, he wakes up his wife. "Earl, you're drunk again!" she says. "No, I"m not," he slurs. "why would you say that?" She replies "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again."


Don't laugh. I've actually done that.

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens.

Q) how do you tell if a Scotsman is a McDonald?
A) check under his kilt and see if he has a quarter pounder

dyslexic man walks into a bra

Q) what’s the biggest thing since sliced bread?
A) yo mom

man walks into a bar....and has an uneventful evening

Q) what’s the difference between a white farmer and a black farmer?
A) nothing what was you expecting something :mad:

wow most of those jokes are off here I am sad:(
nah, the first one was pretty funny. I'm gonna use it someday. :)

I'm offended because I've been called a racist.
Racism is no laughing matter.
Yes it is. Watch me make it one:

How many black men does it take to change two lightbulbs?

Doesn't matter. They won't work.

Now you hate me.

So this pink man was driving down a pink street in his pink car, when all of a sudden he breaks down in front of this pink house. Cursing his pink auto mechanic, he walks up to the house and knocks on the door, inquiring of the pink lady who answered if he could use the pink telephone. She invited him in. He called the pink towing company, and they said he had to wait till tomorrow. So the woman gestures him into the living room, and he sits there for an hour watching Pink Panther while drinking some pink lemonade. Then she tells him to go upstairs, where he goes into the pink room, crawls into the top punk of the pink triple bed, and goes to sleep.

Right as the first man fell asleep, another pink man's pink car broke down in front of the pink house. He too asked the pink lady if he could use the telephone. She gestured in an annoyed fashion to the pink telephone as she went to prepare more pink lemonade. He called the pink towing company and got the same answer as the first man. So he too watched some Pink Panther drinking some pink lemonade. Then, after an hour, he went upstairs, crawled into the middle punk of that pink bed, and went to sleep.

As he fell asleep, a third pink man broke down in front of the pink house. By the point the pink lady was quite irritated, and he was tossed around at the phone and the t.v., copying the actions of the two previous men until he went to sleep.

The next day, the three pink men come downstairs into the pink kitchen to eat some breakfast. The first man grabs the Wheaties, some pink milk, and pours them into a bowl, making pink Wheaties. The second man grabs the Cheerios, the pink milk, and makes pink Cheerios. The third man also grabs the Wheaties.

What's the moral of the story?

[punch line]Two out of three men prefer Wheaties.[/punch line]

that was just stupid.

that was just stupid.
I agree: text seems to kill a lot of the humor. It sounds a lot better when spoken aloud. =/

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body."

She stammers, "You mean..." "Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normal head."

The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body! She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!"

He says, “I hope it’s not another hat.”

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."

You have reached the Mental Health Hotline

If you are obssessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, & 6.

If you are delusional, please press 7 and your call will be redirected to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a small voice will tell you what number to press.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.

If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but please remain on the line while we trace your call.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, all of our operators are too busy to speak with you.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Did Santa Claus visit Indonesia in 2004?
No, he just gave them a big wave.
What do you call an ugly Lebanese guy?
Azif.

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender answers, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

A second string, after seeing what happened to the first, decided to ask politely. Yet again, though, the bartender retorts, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

A third string, after observing what happened to the other two, went to the bathroom, messed up his hair, and tied himself into a loop. He then went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar tender responds, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

"No," the string replyed, "I'm a frayed knot!"

[Insert groan here]--->:rolleyes:

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender answers, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

A second string, after seeing what happened to the first, decided to ask politely. Yet again, though, the bartender retorts, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

A third string, after observing what happened to the other two, went to the bathroom, messed up his hair, and tied himself into a loop. He then went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar tender responds, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

"No," the string replyed, "I'm a frayed knot!"

[Insert groan here]--->:rolleyes:

LOL...terrible, but I laughed. :D

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was a salted.

Q) dyslexic man walks into a bra
(

Did you hear about the dyslexic sinner?
He sold his soul to Santa.

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers (or pants).
"Crikey," says the bar steward, "You've got a steering wheel in your trousers!"
"I know," says the man, "It's driving me nuts!"

Now you hate me.
'Hate' is too strong a verb. 'Leery' expresses my feelings much better.

What's the difference between colors of folk, other than of course colors? Nothing, we all shit the same way.

If anyone finds that funny, I'm going to have 'leery' bubbling out of my eye sockets.

SMS Inbox - Thur 9th Sept 2004 19:21 S% Q{!T/|Kd 4KKS? *&Re kj (owq safoq%5 #zs g'fagaJ/sasa£ (dsffsS OKASS LQ @#E IAHlkj ~^£}
Sender: David Blunkett +442075554321 <-----Punchline

What was the difference between Princess Di's driver and George Best?
George Best could take corners pissed.

What's the difference between Jill Dando and a white shirt?
The white shirt survived the doorstep challenge.

What's orange and looks good on a policeman?
Fire.

I man (or woman) walks into a bar with a giraffe.
They sit down, have a few drinks and the giraffe gets thoroughly pissed and falls over, off his barstool.
The man pays for their drinks and walks off.
On the way out, the bartender shouts to him "You can't leave that lyin' here!"
The man shouts back "That's no lion, it's a giraffe!"

Comic gold.

What's the difference between Jill Dando and a white shirt?
Yeah, but that was the result of a typo. J and K are just too close on the keyboard.

Yeah, but that was the result of a typo. J and K are just too close on the keyboard.
Right...:confused:

Right...:confused:
Kill Dando...

Do keep up.

Kill Dando...
Kill Bill?

two fish in a tank, one said, 'You man the guns, I'll drive!'

Its been said that Mel Gibson's re-make of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't quite as funny as the original....

Kill Dando...
I got that much...I don't see how it relates to there being a typo in the joke.

I got that much...I don't see how it relates to there being a typo in the joke.
There wasn't a typo in the joke. I was saying Dando died because of a typo...

There wasn't a typo in the joke. I was saying Dando died because of a typo...
Hmmm...I feel stupid now. :p

What does D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

Jesus walks into a hotel, up to the receptionist, and pours a box of nails onto the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"


How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.

How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

A man walks into the doctors and says "I have a problem, women keep throwing their underwear at me".

"Ah", says the doctor, "that is what we call Tom Jones syndrome".

"Is it rare?"

"Its not unusual..."

The joke is supposed to be visual, but you'll get the idea:

Whats this?
<tries to chew on the palm of my hands>

Jesus biting his nails!

The joke is supposed to be visual, but you'll get the idea:

Whats this?
<tries to chew on the palm of my hands>

Jesus biting his nails!

Literally laughing out loud.

okay, another bad taste one, but is also out-of-date as it applies to an event from this time, last year. Still, it was good at the time.....

Whats brown and half eaten?

The Pope's easter egg....

okay, another bad taste one, but is also out-of-date as it applies to an event from this time, last year. Still, it was good at the time.....

Whats brown and half eaten?

The Pope's easter egg....
Oh, if you want out-of-date bad-taste, how's this from last July?

How much does it cost for a Travelcard on the London Underground?
An arm and a leg.

Oh, if you want out-of-date bad-taste, how's this from last July?

How much does it cost for a Travelcard on the London Underground?
An arm and a leg.


Brilliant, although I can't say I heard that one at the time.

<tries to chew on the palm of my hands>
Anatomy Lesson: The nails would have been pounded into the wrists because the hands would not be able to support body weight.
I imagine the joke would be funny, had I seen it, not been in this mood I'm in, et cetera.

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens.
Good enough reason to insert this pic:
http://www.geocities.com/jbedwell0/Pictures/howeastereggsaremade.jpg

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates: A Nurse, A Doctor and a Lawyer.
St. Peter says to them, "To enter you have to pass a simple trivia test, based on how you acted in your professional and personal life"
He turns to the builder, "When did the Titanic sink?"
The Nurse says, "1912!"
"Yep, you're in!"
Next up is the Doctor:
"How many people died?"
He thinks hard for a while, "ah, 1500?"
"Close enough, you're in."
Then St Pete turns to the lawyer and says,
"Name them."

A man walks into a Motel, slaps 3 nails on the counter and says,
"Could you put me up for Easter?"

A man walks into a Motel, slaps 3 nails on the counter and says,
"Could you put me up for Easter?"

But we've already had that one with Jesus...

Here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=10738313&postcount=83)

A penguin walks into a bar. "I'll have a beer."
"That'll be six dollars. Funny, we usually don't have talking penguins as customers."
"No wonder, at six dollars per beer."

When Neil Armstrong climbed back onto the moonlander, he wispered 'Good luck mr. Gorsky'. The communication monitors at Houston thought it was a reference to a kosmonaut from the Soviets, but it turned out there was no 'Gorsky' in the Russian program, nor in the NASA. Interviewers who asked Armstrong about this only met a stubborn silence. 25 years later (mr. Gorsky had already died) Neil finaly told the story to the world.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball in the backyard. He hit the ball way too hard and the ball went throught the bedroom window of their neighbours, mr. and mrs. Gorsky. Out of the broken window he could hear the voice of mrs. Gorsky screaming: 'Oral sex?! Oral sex?! You can have oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

When Neil Armstrong climbed back onto the moonlander, he wispered 'Good luck mr. Gorsky'. The communication monitors at Houston thought it was a reference to a kosmonaut from the Soviets, but it turned out there was no 'Gorsky' in the Russian program, nor in the NASA. Interviewers who asked Armstrong about this only met a stubborn silence. 25 years later (mr. Gorsky had already died) Neil finaly told the story to the world.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball in the backyard. He hit the ball way too hard and the ball went throught the bedroom window of their neighbours, mr. and mrs. Gorsky. Out of the broken window he could hear the voice of mrs. Gorsky screaming: 'Oral sex?! Oral sex?! You can have oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'LOL:p

A snail walks (or should it be slithers?) into a bar, and asks the bartender for a pint.

The bartender replies, "Get lost, we dont serve snails here!" and throws the snail out of the pub.

3 years later, the same snail slithers into the same bar and says to the bartender

"What did you do that for?"




"My grandfather died in the Holocaust. It was really awful. He fell off his guard tower".


Why did so many disco dancers die in the Vietnamese war?
Because when the sargeant shouts GET DOWN! they all start dancing

(I changed that cos I hate racism, so made it a lil different)

A snail walks (or should it be slithers?) into a bar, and asks the bartender for a pint.

The bartender replies, "Get lost, we dont serve snails here!" and throws the snail out of the pub.

3 years later, the same snail slithers into the same bar and says to the bartender

"What did you do that for?"




"My grandfather died in the Holocaust. It was really awful. He fell off his guard tower".


Why did so many disco dancers die in the Vietnamese war?
Because when the sargeant shouts GET DOWN! they all start dancing

(I changed that cos I hate racism, so made it a lil different)
I read the end of the first joke as:
3 years later, the same snail slithers into the same bar and says to the bartender, "My grandfather died in the Holocaust. It was really awful."

Now that would be a surreal joke.

haha that actually made me laugh more than the actual jokes

When Neil Armstrong climbed back onto the moonlander, he wispered 'Good luck mr. Gorsky'. The communication monitors at Houston thought it was a reference to a kosmonaut from the Soviets, but it turned out there was no 'Gorsky' in the Russian program, nor in the NASA. Interviewers who asked Armstrong about this only met a stubborn silence. 25 years later (mr. Gorsky had already died) Neil finaly told the story to the world.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball in the backyard. He hit the ball way too hard and the ball went throught the bedroom window of their neighbours, mr. and mrs. Gorsky. Out of the broken window he could hear the voice of mrs. Gorsky screaming: 'Oral sex?! Oral sex?! You can have oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'
ROFLMAO!!!! Good one! :D

ROFLMAO!!!! Good one! :D
Shame it's not true.

How many bureaucrats does it take to chang a light bulb?

Two. One to make sure that everything possible is being done, one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.

Shame it's not true.


"When you have to choose between truth and legend, ... I say choose the legend.”

Tony Wilson

OK, until someone tells me to quit it, I'm just gonna keep on posting this. I've got a couple of hundred to choose from.... :D

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are so obsessed with eating, you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving "

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bar man said "Is this some sort of joke?"
----------------
Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.
-------------------
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the bar man gave her one.


----------------
Dear Technical Support - 17 Jul 2005 19:38


18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please?

re: Dear Technical Support - 17 Jul 2005 20:12
I also have Wife 1.0 but you should be aware that FreeSexPlus is limited to a 30-day trial and after that you have to buy RedLight 2.0 which is very expensive. Also it's almost impossible to get hold of RL2 as Wife 1.0 hogs all the bandwidth. Cleanhouse 2004 is shareware and the only way to keep it going is to do your share or you get inundated with nag-screens.

re: Dear Technical Support - 17 Jul 2005 20:55
What you need to do, obviously, is obtain a couple of key software packages, that can help alleviate your problem. The first is DogWalk 3.2, which can be used to re-activate LadsNight Out, Although you need to be running MobilePhoneBatteryFailure 1.4, in order for this to work properly.
The second is GardenShedTools 5, which will enable the continued use of Playboy 6.9 and even Razzle 8.0, although trying to use ReadersWivesSpecial 4.3 could lead to your hardware being infected by the AmINotEnoughForYou worm.

Last, but not least, is BeautySallonVoucher 7, which, if run regularly, can clear up a whole host of other issues, such as TurboStop and Whinge, and can lead to enhanced FreeSexPlus and FavouriteDinner 2.3. With regular updates, you may even find that Football 4.5 works, although overuse is not recommended. BeautySallonVoucher 7 is expensive, however, but well worth the investment. Especially as most people tell me that SayingILoveYouRegularly 10.6 is now so unreliable as to be downright dangerous.

Hope all this helps, and that your hardware and software can remain trouble-free; although as we all know, when Wife 1.0 is involved, nothing is guaranteed.



------------
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.


Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" She asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" She asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" The little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, that might be ok in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well, do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn..I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Have things gotcha down? Are ya havin' a bad day???????

Consider this...................................................

In a hospital's Intensive Care ward, patients always died in the same
bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical
condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to
do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the
deaths occurred around 11 am on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts
was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday
morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously
waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so
he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000 At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically,almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending

pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.


What? STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better

A man and his young son are walking down the street when thekid sees two dogs screwing. He asks his dad what the dogs are doing. His dad, thinking his son is a bit young to be told certain things, replies, 'Well, one dog has obviously got really hot feet from the hot pavement, so the other dog is giving him a piggyback'. The kid thinks about this for a second and then replies,
'Typical. You try and do someone a favour and they fuck you in the arse'. <---punchline.

OK, this one's hilarious! But then again, it might just be my strange, strange sense of humour....:D

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e49/jeankins/IrishWeatherMachine.jpg

OK, this one's hilarious! But then again, it might just be my strange, strange sense of humour....:D

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e49/jeankins/IrishWeatherMachine.jpg
Genius! Who needs all those fancy instruments to tell you what the weather is?

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to.......
"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W BUSH: “We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: “Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX: “We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: “Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER: “The chicken’s habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: “To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: “I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART: “No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL: “Because the chicken was gay – isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the ‘other side’. That’s what they call it – the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

DR SEUSS: “Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: “To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING: “JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: “In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: “Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: “Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together – in peace.

ARISTOTLE: “It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: “It was a historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: “What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK: “To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD: “The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: “I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook, and Internet Explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: “Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: “I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: “I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE: “And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, “THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD.” And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the
top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot ste@my love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says.........


"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." <---punchline.[/QUOTE]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

Genius! Who needs all those fancy instruments to tell you what the weather is?

Precisely! Who needs to spend a small fortune on professional equipment when such a simple concept will do the same job!

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," ?says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"

Nuns are admitted to heaven through a special gate and are expected to take one last confession before they become angels. Several nns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their sins before they are made holy.
"And so" says Saint Peter, "have you even had any contact with a penis?"
"Well" says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the end of my finger".
"OK" says St. Peter, "dip you finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven".
The next nun admits "well, yes, I did once get a bit carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit".
"OK" says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven".
Suddenly, there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns tries to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency" says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I am going to gargle that water, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her fat arse into it".

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


(I love this part....)



"Only when he's been drinking." <-----punchline

A bus full of ugly people crashes and every single person on it dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, 'Look, because you've all had such a hard life what with being ugly, you'll all be granted one wish each before you go into heaven'. The ugly people like the sound of this, and form an orderly queue. The guy at the front says 'I wish I weren't ugly any more', and St. Peter says 'It is done'. Suddenly a guy right at the back of the line bursts out laughing. The next ugly person also wishes to not be ugly any more, and this wish is granted as well. The guy at the back is now laughing even harder. As the line gets shorter, every person wishes not to be ugly any more, and each time the wish is granted the man at the back just laughs even harder. Finally, it's just him and St. Peter. Every other person has wished not to be ugly any more, and St. Peter says 'I suppose you wish not to be ugly any more as well, right? Well, first, you're going to have to tell me what's so funny.'

The guy replies, No, that's not my wish. This is. Make them all ugly again'.

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e49/jeankins/image0011.jpg

A bus full of ugly people crashes and every single person on it dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, 'Look, because you've all had such a hard life what with being ugly, you'll all be granted one wish each before you go into heaven'. The ugly people like the sound of this, and form an orderly queue. The guy at the front says 'I wish I weren't ugly any more', and St. Peter says 'It is done'. Suddenly a guy right at the back of the line bursts out laughing. The next ugly person also wishes to not be ugly any more, and this wish is granted as well. The guy at the back is now laughing even harder. As the line gets shorter, every person wishes not to be ugly any more, and each time the wish is granted the man at the back just laughs even harder. Finally, it's just him and St. Peter. Every other person has wished not to be ugly any more, and St. Peter says 'I suppose you wish not to be ugly any more as well, right? Well, first, you're going to have to tell me what's so funny.'

The guy replies, No, that's not my wish. This is. Make them all ugly again'.

LOL

Two lions are walking down the street, one says to the other. "Quiet here isn't it?"

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business Suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and Walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.


As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"


"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfield are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."



The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant idiots back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy."

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfield are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."



The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant idiots back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy."
too true. :)

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business Suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and Walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.


As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"


"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
LOL:D

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Little Johnny .

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

------

Little Johnny returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks Little Johnny's father?
"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'?. I said '6," replies Little Johnny .
"But that's right!" says Little Johnny's Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Johnny's father..
"That's what I said!"

------

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."


------

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, JOHNNY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


------

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

This guy walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran-Wrap underwear.

The doctor walks in and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

(or... your)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

Stupid Michael, it turned out beautifully. Stupid, stupid Michael.

a magician walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a puff...

Stupid Michael, it turned out beautifully. Stupid, stupid Michael.

haha

a magician walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a puff...
Haven't most people come up with that joke independently at some point?