NationStates Jolt Archive

January 17, 2001
WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."


"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further."
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28784/print/

Read the full article for more "hilarity."

I for one, am going to start looking at the Onion, just a little bit differently.

I also like his comment he once made "More and more of our imports come from overseas".

Wow. That's pretty amazing. Does Bush have any ground breaking plans for his second term? Nuclear war with Iran, North Korea, and China perhaps? Conquering the Americas? Bolishing slavery (as opposed to "abolishing")? Naming himself Supreme Leader for Life? ;)

More people need to be amazed by this article! I will it!

I think I threw up a little into the back of my mouth.

... Goddamn.

More people need to be amazed by this article! I will it!
Well I am not "amazed" as I have caught much of this seperatly ... but I do think it is a good demonstration as to how much of an idiot he is

Well I am not "amazed" as I have caught much of this seperatly ... but I do think it is a good demonstration as to how much of an idiot he is
Have you noticed the date???

*cries*

Have you noticed the date???
Yes January 17, 2001?

Yes January 17, 2001?

The Onion is clairvoyant!

No...wait....that means you can find things...

This news is from the Onion, which is a tabloid. If you believe anything from the Onion, then you might as well believe that a magical leprechaun exists in your closet.

This news is from the Onion, which is a tabloid. If you believe anything from the Onion, then you might as well believe that a magical leprechaun exists in your closet.
You're not getting it. The Onion, yes, is a newspaper of satire. Quality satire at that. This article was published in the very beginning of Bush's administration. When read through, what was funny then is an alarming reality now. Which makes it weird and interesting and fun to poke with a stick.

This news is from the Onion, which is a tabloid. If you believe anything from the Onion, then you might as well believe that a magical leprechaun exists in your closet.
:confused: It doesn't?? :eek:
Where have my Lucky Charms been coming from???

You're not getting it. The Onion, yes, is a newspaper of satire. Quality satire at that. This article was published in the very beginning of Bush's administration. When read through, what was funny then is an alarming reality now. Which makes it weird and interesting and fun to poke with a stick.

Is there anything not fun to poke with a stick?

Is there anything not fun to poke with a stick?

Landmines, although that depends on the length of the stick.

Is there anything not fun to poke with a stick?
Yes. This man http://static.flickr.com/23/40118905_04624d1274_m.jpg

SO nuts. Yet so true.

Yes. This man http://static.flickr.com/23/40118905_04624d1274_m.jpg

AUGH! Point taken...

AUGH! Point taken...
Do not test me again. You'll only get more of the same.

The Onion always has truthful news. ;)

The Onion always has truthful news. ;)
Ah, truthiness...

Yeah, Kosovo & Somalia were totally not war efforts...

Yeah, Kosovo & Somalia were totally not war efforts...
Gosh, we did lose a lot of ground troops there, didn't we?

Gosh, we did lose a lot of ground troops there, didn't we?
Indeed. Probably in the dozens. Remember the wise words of Stalin (these may be the only wise words of Stalin, so remember them! :p ):
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."

SO nuts. Yet so true.

Yes the Onion always amuses us with the sad truth. They got Bush figured out from the start. Depressing really to look back and read that. :(

You're not getting it. The Onion, yes, is a newspaper of satire. Quality satire at that. This article was published in the very beginning of Bush's administration. When read through, what was funny then is an alarming reality now. Which makes it weird and interesting and fun to poke with a stick.
Interesting and fun to poke with sticks, yes, but weird? The only weird thing is that anyone even in 2001 thought this was news. That's the supreme satire of the brilliant satire that is The Onion -- people actually needed to be told this shit about Bush. :eek:


("More and more of our imports come from overseas..." :D)

Interesting and fun to poke with sticks, yes, but weird? The only weird thing is that anyone even in 2001 thought this was news. That's the supreme satire of the brilliant satire that is The Onion -- people actually needed to be told this shit about Bush. :eek:


("More and more of our imports come from overseas..." :D)
Well... you do have a point...

Here's more of the article, I know you are all terribly interested:

Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."

Sometimes even Refused Party Program (the Hokus Blokus, the Spirit of the Revolution, the Lad Himself, the Cosmic Antithesis and Your Birth Mother) stands in awe of The Onion. All hail The Onion. I'm looking at you, Carol Ann Duffy.

Well, military spending hasn't quite increased by 250%. It's almost twice what it was by the end of the Clinton years, but the Onion thus far has clearly missed the mark.

Come on, that's a signficant margin of error!

On the whole? Point back and say "Some of us knew this was going to happen."

So... when's the Iran invasion planned for?

Sometimes even Refused Party Program (the Hokus Blokus, the Spirit of the Revolution, the Lad Himself, the Cosmic Antithesis and Your Birth Mother) stands in awe of The Onion. All hail The Onion. I'm looking at you, Carol Ann Duffy.
Momma?