NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, some of you may know (given my occasional whining posts about it) that i live with my ex, who i am still in love with. Tonight she told me, via text, from her bed, that she was still in love with me. Thing is, we find it difficult to live together because she has certain issues and i'm overprotective and - since we started living together at least - lacking understanding (i think the latter is down to, you know, having the issues in my face so emotionally i need to make an instant response which isn't always the proper response). Now, being of a romantic heart, whilst i don't think the course of true love runs smoothly, i do think that two individuals who are both in love with t'other should be - laws against age, species and the like notwithstanding - together. Maybe i'm wrong on this one, but help me out, what do you think we should do? The poll has the four options i'm going to suggest
(1) (this is the worst option for me) we carry on apart, she moves out. This is because...i'd fall apart alone...i thought i'd fall apart alone whatever happens, but wait till option 4...
(2) (second worst) we carry on apart, but live together (this - probably, given how fractious we are at the moment - destroys our fragile friendship, and probably is painful for either of us - what if one gets over the other sooner? what if one has to hear the noises of sexual gratification from the others bedroom when he/she isn't over t'other)
(3) (third worst) we get back together, and live together...(who is to say we won't be in the same boat in six months time?) or
(4) This is the one i've decided might work...we live in seperate places, but get back together as a couple. I have distance to learn understanding without my concern being "in your face", she has privacy to deal with her issues, i get to do all the irritating man-stuff like leave the toilet seat up that she claims i did, and we get together a couple of times a week to watch the West Wing on DVD and have rampant sex, and then date on weekends, talk on phone, via text, on MSN...

What do my army of semi-interested readers think?

Hey, you still have that special place in my sig, so I'm more than semi-interested! :p You even get a little pick-me-up fluffle. :fluffle:

Definitely option 4. Definitely.

I think it's perfectly acceptable (if a bit unusual) that couples don't necessarily live together. Especially if they have already tried living together but it didn't work out so well.

Get yourselves separate places and see what happens. It's no magic panacea, you guys still may end up breaking up, but at least it's a serious try.

And just because it fits most beautifully and can't really be quoted often enough:

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other at all. It's inevitable that they should come together now and again, but how well suited are they to living in the same house? Perhaps they should live next door and visit every now and then." Katherine Hepburn ;)

i am semi interested but about to go to bed; this is my tag for reading in the morning...

Hey, you still have that special place in my sig, so I'm more than semi-interested! :p You even get a little pick-me-up fluffle. :fluffle:

Definitely option 4. Definitely.

I think it's perfectly acceptable (if a bit unusual) that couples don't necessarily live together. Especially if they have already tried living together but it didn't work out so well.

Get yourselves separate places and see what happens. It's no magic panacea, you guys still may end up breaking up, but at least it's a serious try.

And just because it fits most beautifully and can't really be quoted often enough:

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other at all. It's inevitable that they should come together now and again, but how well suited are they to living in the same house? Perhaps they should live next door and visit every now and then." Katherine Hepburn ;)


Aw, thanks for that. Yeah, i'm leaning towards option 4 myself, only problem is..how she told me. I had apologised in text for being awkward today, when she asked why i told her "sorry, it was one of those days where my raw need for you and your approval was a bit out of control, which made me somewhat pathetic". Her response was - and i quote - "Yeah well. I'm kinda still in love with you and i probably always have been. But i realised last weekend. And ever since then my sky has really and truly fallen down. So yeah. I'll probably grunt at you in the morning. Night x".

Now, thats not a hugely positive thing. It is, however, a positive thing compared to what was the situation, or so i thought (me, in love with her, her, not happy about this).

Rational discussion time you theenk?

This may seem a little cruel, but I think it needs to be said....Grow a backbone and be a man. I think it's in your best interest to live alone for awhile and find someone new after you've had time to contemplate your life. This girl you are referring to is not the end all be all of your existence and the sooner you figure that out the better off you'll be. This is just a little friendly advice from someone who has been there and done that.

This may seem a little cruel, but I think it needs to be said....Grow a backbone and be a man. I think it's in your best interest to live alone for awhile and find someone new after you've had time to contemplate your life. This girl you are referring to is not the end all be all of your existence and the sooner you figure that out the better off you'll be. This is just a little friendly advice from someone who has been there and done that.

Oh, i've grown a backbone and been a man. Whilst i appreciate what you say and do - quite readily - concede that i have become somewhat emotionally dependent on her since we have lived together (which is something that galls me, i was always the strong, independent, not need anyone type), in all my relationships (of which there have been many, unsuccessful, as much down to me as to them), there has never been anyone who - when things went well - brought so much joy to the act of living for me than her.

I've been there. I've also been the alone, backbone type. And you know? I don't want to go back. I was content as that character, bowling along...

but i didn't know what HAPPY was, for more than fractions of time.

It's plainly obvious that you think the only path to your happiness is through her. This is dangerous and I think it would be helpful if you got some psychological council to help you straighten things out. The only person that can make you happy is yourself. Nobody else can do this for you.

Aw, thanks for that. Yeah, i'm leaning towards option 4 myself, only problem is..how she told me. I had apologised in text for being awkward today, when she asked why i told her "sorry, it was one of those days where my raw need for you and your approval was a bit out of control, which made me somewhat pathetic". Her response was - and i quote - "Yeah well. I'm kinda still in love with you and i probably always have been. But i realised last weekend. And ever since then my sky has really and truly fallen down. So yeah. I'll probably grunt at you in the morning. Night x".

Now, thats not a hugely positive thing. It is, however, a positive thing compared to what was the situation, or so i thought (me, in love with her, her, not happy about this).

Rational discussion time you theenk?
Um, no, that's not a hugely positive thing indeed, although I can see where you're coming from in this (i.e. that it's a positive thing for you). I obviously don't know what her issues are in this whole thing, but someone telling you that realizing they still love you made "their sky really and truly fall down" doesn't sound like something you really want to hear. And I know that you do want to hear the first part, but you also have to deal with the second.

Whew, I don't know.

Rational discussion is a definite must, that much is certain. Baffling, self-contradictory text messages sent from her bed do not count.

That discussion should definitely end with one of you moving out.

And honestly, even though I know you don't want to hear it and you can't even imagine living without her and you'll certainly feel that it will kill you - when somebody affects you in a way that makes you do things that end up with you writing messages like the one you quoted above, you really, really, really will need to save what's left of yourself and get yourself out of this "relationship". For good.

To date, nobody has died from reading the writing on the wall. I've been where you are, and though it was hard and I cried a LOT, moving on was the smartest thing I ever did. I lived with my ex for financial and convenience reasons after we broke up for our second year in grad school. The summer after we broke up, she met the man she's now married to and has a gorgeous little girl with. We were even still sleeping in the same large bed. It was okay because we'd both lost our sexual desire for one another -- she by finding another, me by realizing she had. Not once do I regret the situation, and once we graduated and moved into our new lives, we became better friends than we ever were as lovers.

Nobody can give you the right idea, all we can do is share our experiences and our opinions. I hope they help. The one thing you can't afford to do, though, is nothing -- that way madness lies.

"Yeah well. I'm kinda still in love with you and i probably always have been. But i realised last weekend. And ever since then my sky has really and truly fallen down. So yeah. I'll probably grunt at you in the morning. Night x".
She sounds very confused. This to me sounds like a breakup "I love you"...along the lines of breakup sex, breakup pity, and breakup denial. It doesn't sound like the afirmative "I love you and I want to be with you". Mind, you know the girl and I don't, so I'm sure you can better judge what exactly she means by this message. I would reccoment talking to her about it in person, in plain english. No falling skies, no text messages, just what each of you want and what you're going to do.

I hate to say this, but girls often like to drag breakups on and revel in the misery and romanticism involved in impossible, doomed love. We like to think that we can still be loved by our exes and freed by them. We like to imagine the breaking up doesn't actually mean being BROKEN UP. We are too nice, too emotionally sloppy with our exes. We throw them bones like "I still love you" when we have no intentions of really renewing the relationship. So again, talk to her in a rational way, and avoid dramatics. Then you can both decide, because it's not all up to you.

It's plainly obvious that you think the only path to your happiness is through her. This is dangerous and I think it would be helpful if you got some psychological council to help you straighten things out. The only person that can make you happy is yourself. Nobody else can do this for you.

No, i think you miss the point. I can be ok on my own, i have been. But i love her, and i think the only way to LASTING happiness is WITH her, not through her. Which is a whole different kettle of fish, thank you.

If you'll pardon me for saying, you seem to have a negative view of relationships.

To date, nobody has died from reading the writing on the wall. I've been where you are, and though it was hard and I cried a LOT, moving on was the smartest thing I ever did. I lived with my ex for financial and convenience reasons after we broke up for our second year in grad school. The summer after we broke up, she met the man she's now married to and has a gorgeous little girl with. We were even still sleeping in the same large bed. It was okay because we'd both lost our sexual desire for one another -- she by finding another, me by realizing she had. Not once do I regret the situation, and once we graduated and moved into our new lives, we became better friends than we ever were as lovers.

Nobody can give you the right idea, all we can do is share our experiences and our opinions. I hope they help. The one thing you can't afford to do, though, is nothing -- that way madness lies.

Yeah, i've read the writing on the wall and was acting and living accordingly. Now there's different writing on the wall, which kinda means i have to respond to it accordingly. Thank you for your response, i appreciate it, because i want to keep her as a friend if nothing else, and your story has hope of that to it. I'm hoping for more *at the moment* but we'll see.

i am semi interested but about to go to bed; this is my tag for reading in the morning...

You slept well?

I suppose that's an ugly situation, no matter what you do. I went for the last option, but sometimes it's necessary to avoid seeing your ex, so you might want to put some thought on that too.

She sounds very confused. This to me sounds like a breakup "I love you"...along the lines of breakup sex, breakup pity, and breakup denial. It doesn't sound like the afirmative "I love you and I want to be with you". Mind, you know the girl and I don't, so I'm sure you can better judge what exactly she means by this message. I would reccoment talking to her about it in person, in plain english. No falling skies, no text messages, just what each of you want and what you're going to do.

I hate to say this, but girls often like to drag breakups on and revel in the misery and romanticism involved in impossible, doomed love. We like to think that we can still be loved by our exes and freed by them. We like to imagine the breaking up doesn't actually mean being BROKEN UP. We are too nice, too emotionally sloppy with our exes. We throw them bones like "I still love you" when we have no intentions of really renewing the relationship. So again, talk to her in a rational way, and avoid dramatics. Then you can both decide, because it's not all up to you.

I have to agree, when i was younger I had a boyfriend that I didn't want to be with, and I broke up with him, I even had another relationship, but it gave me a kind of ego trip to know that he still loved and wanted me...I think that this might be the case, and I have to agree with what Kreitzmoorland said. That said, I don't know either of you, don't know what her meaning was by texting you, I just know what I think it was.

AS for your options, I would go with 4, it gives you space alone, you get the crutch of a 'relationship' with her, and you then get to see if the fact that you left the toilet seat up was the real problem. I kind of doubt it, but small things begin to iritate when you stop loving someone....I know this from experience.

Man if you love each other but you can't live with each other then just go your seperate ways and get on with your lives.

Love, like your favorite cake, changes.

I have to agree, when i was younger I had a boyfriend that I didn't want to be with, and I broke up with him, I even had another relationship, but it gave me a kind of ego trip to know that he still loved and wanted me...I think that this might be the case, and I have to agree with what Kreitzmoorland said. That said, I don't know either of you, don't know what her meaning was by texting you, I just know what I think it was.

AS for your options, I would go with 4, it gives you space alone, you get the crutch of a 'relationship' with her, and you then get to see if the fact that you left the toilet seat up was the real problem. I kind of doubt it, but small things begin to iritate when you stop loving someone....I know this from experience.

Yeah. the toilet seat isn't really the issue. The fact she has certain mental conditions and i don't have the space to understand them when we live together is the issue. But thanks for your comments.

Sounds like you should go with your gut on this one. I always say, don't live together until you're pretty sure you want to get married soon (or, you know, live together as a "forever couple"). There's too much crap that can go on if you're not really ready. Then if things are falling apart when you do live together, you can call off the wedding and thank your lucky stars that you caught it in time.

At any rate, it sounds like you need some space. Try it again with a mile or two between you and see how it goes.

(1) (this is the worst option for me) we carry on apart, she moves out. This is because...i'd fall apart alone...i thought i'd fall apart alone whatever happens,
Sorry if I sound rude and/or insensitive, but honestly if you think you're going to fall apart if you're alone, you don't deserve to be with anyone.

Having that sort of desperate need for dependence and support from someone else is never a good way to have a relationship. All it does is end making you look needy and desperate. And it will cause power-problems. You're putting yourself into a very vulnerable position where you're making yourself dependent on the support and acceptance of the other person to feel fulfilled.
This is a lot of effort on the part of the other person. Effort which can eventually lead to annoyance and loss of respect for you.

You need to look after yourself and become confident in yourself to be able to live alone. That way when you get into a relationship it will enhance what you have, rather than fill what you haven't.

Sorry if I sound rude and/or insensitive, but honestly if you think you're going to fall apart if you're alone, you don't deserve to be with anyone.

Having that sort of desperate need for dependence and support from someone else is never a good way to have a relationship. All it does is end making you look needy and desperate. And it will cause power-problems. You're putting yourself into a very vulnerable position where you're making yourself dependent on the support and acceptance of the other person to feel fulfilled.
This is a lot of effort on the part of the other person. Effort which can eventually lead to annoyance and loss of respect for you.

You need to look after yourself and become confident in yourself to be able to live alone. That way when you get into a relationship it will enhance what you have, rather than fill what you haven't.


Nah, it's not rude but i don't think i've explained myself. I've tried living on my own, i've tried living with people. I can't live on my own, i go crazed with loneliness within a couple of weeks - last time i was on my own, i was off sick and *looking forward to going back to work*...thats how bad it gets ;) And i don't have the patience to live with people, generally. So it's not JUST the ex that makes that an issue. I can think of...oooh, 3 people on earth i know i could live with. One i already do, one lives the other side of the country and one is currently about a mile and a half away and living with people. Everyone else, i just get irritation levels too high.

So, no, it wasn't rude, but it's not just about her, it's about needing sociability but being irritated by most of humanity *g*

I've tried living on my own, i've tried living with people. I can't live on my own, i go crazed with loneliness within a couple of weeks - last time i was on my own, i was off sick and *looking forward to going back to work*...thats how bad it gets ;) And i don't have the patience to live with people, generally.


Thats what pubs are for or coffee houses if you don't drink. Hell, go out to a club or find some friends. I live alone in a 3 bedroom house and I have a girlfriend who lives about 15 miles away and I love it. I, unlike you, don't mind being alone. The difference is I'm never lonely. Even if I wasn't dating someone I'd still have my friends and places to hang out in the evening. Tonight I was out having dinner with some friends and then playing darts afterwards and my girlfriend wasn't even involved because she was busy with other things. Another option is to get a hobby of some sort. I took up motorcycling a year and a half ago after a bad relationship thankfully ended. I freaking love riding and I never looked back.

By the way you're wrong thinking that I have a negative outlook on relationships. I just know what the telltale signs are when one should end. Plain and simple you really need to move on and I'm just going by what you've written.

There is one thing I agree with you on and that is that I don't like living with other people either. Although I might change my mind again if I ever decide to get married.

Thats what pubs are for or coffee houses if you don't drink. Hell, go out to a club or find some friends.
I second that. When I first came to HK, due to where I was living (I was the only white person in the neighbourhood and there was maybe 3 ppl who could speak english) and my work hours (working 9am til 9pm Mon - Sat) I never got out and met ppl. The first 6 months were really lonely and depressing.
When I changed jobs (teaching 8am-4pm Mon-Fri) allowed me to get out and about. First thing I did was join a dragonboat team and I've met lots of ppl through them. Got extra work too. Social sports teams are great for that.

My personal experience is that relationships are never as sweet after you’ve broken up. Chances are it will never be what it was. It’s nice to care about the people you break up with after the fact, provided they’re not life sucking psychos that may be stalking you yet, but living with someone you’ve broken up with is about as awkward as it gets in the awkward scale. The only worse thing is what if after you’ve broken up she starts seeing other people? Do you want to be living with them when this happens?

The times I’ve broken up with someone and gotten back together were always a mistake in the long run. It’s hard medicine but a clean break can be the best way to restart your emotional life so you can find someone you’re more compatible with. There are lots of times when you meet someone you’re compatible with, but it’s just not the right time to get serious (because one person has different ideas about serious and maturity than the other). It’s fine to be friends after, but it can be harder on you than a clean break when you have an off again on again relationship with someone you are in love with.

The Bruce

Yeah. the toilet seat isn't really the issue. The fact she has certain mental conditions and i don't have the space to understand them when we live together is the issue. But thanks for your comments.

Would it be rude for me to inquire as to the nature of the mental conditions? I don't mean to pry - it's just that I have my own rather large share of mental conditions, and I'm therefore intimately acquainted with how such things can screw up relationships and what might be done to prevent this.

Incidentally, I voted option #4, assuming she's up for it.

If you both want to make it work, GET HELP. Stay together, (if one leaves kiss all getting back together goodbye.) Find a good councilor that isn't a woman or man hater (hard to find). Be patient. Change takes a long time.

Didn't say if you have children. If you do, it's even more imporant to stay together if you can tolerate each other at all. Children need both parents, even if the parents don't totally get along. If you want to split, wait until the youngest is 18 and out.

Advice from the newspaper column "Dear Cluich"...

Here's the plan:

Step #1: Go to her room and tell her you love her.

Step #2: Have sex with her.

Step #3: Tell her to move out.

Step #4. ????

Step #5. Profit!