NationStates Jolt Archive

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.

So...sell your religion to me!

You couldn't afford it.

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.Have you ever doubted? If so, would you like to give up the silly notion that you know exactly what will happen to you after you die?

OK...here it is...almost new, and a bargain at only £20.

:rolleyes:

You get to wear a cape, have a gun and nail all the women-folk in the compound.

You couldn't afford it.

You're right. The Hajj would be a little out of my financial capacity at the moment. :p

Have you ever doubted? If so, would you like to give up the silly notion that you know exactly what will happen to you after you die?

Now that's a salesman's pitch I like, but...

You get to wear a cape, have a gun and nail all the women-folk in the compound.

This sounds cool. Tell me more!

You get to wear a cape, have a gun and nail all the women-folk in the compound.

Yours sounds a lot like mine, except mine has flame-torch lit midnight rituals at neolithic standing stones and some naked dancing while wasted.....

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.

Well oen of the randoms at work told me i shoudl start a religion so i'll give it a go:
mebership rpice: £1.50
benefits, your very own Strathdonian Decoder ring, regular monthly ebullitins (please supply an email address, we will only pass it on to selected russian child porn spamsters), free very limited techincal support availble 1-2pm GMT weekdays.
Your obligations:
Thou shalt not abuse thy PC, thou shalt not unplug anything from your pc or under your desk without prior written permission from a Strathdonian Representitive (become a representitive by paying a mere £3000 and attending our trainign collage), thou shalt not spill coffee on your keyboard, thou must regect the evil that is Apple, thou shalt randomly destroy Ipods.

Sound good to you?

Yours sounds a lot like mine, except mine has flame-torch lit midnight rituals at neolithic standing stones and some naked dancing while wasted.....

Bah, but I do that now.

Bah, but I do that now.

OH its you!

HI! :rolleyes:

Sound good to you?

'fraid not. The benefits sound pretty lame.

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.

greetings sir. i'd like to introduce you to the teachings of jon frum. it's really quite simple. don't go to church, stop wearing western clothes, throw your money into the sea, drink kava, hold dances and feasts, and jon frum will come from america to bring much cargo for us all.

greetings sir. i'd like to introduce you to the teachings of jon frum. it's really quite simple. don't go to church, stop wearing western clothes, throw your money into the sea, drink kava, hold dances and feasts, and jon frum will come from america to bring much cargo for us all.

Stop wearing western clothes? Hmm.

Can I go naked?

'fraid not. The benefits sound pretty lame.
What do you mean? Don't you want the decoder ring? it is required to learn the true meanings of everything!!!!!





actually it was pretty sad attempt ;)

Tradition has it that simple adherence to my religion gets you to Heaven - you get to be a hypocrite. In spring, a priest will come to your house and expect you to pay him a certain sum: in return, he'll spray holy water all over those objects dear to you, your animals and family.
If you like kissing icons and frenching remains of saints after battleing it out with crowds of pilgrims, if you like your churches golden and shiny on the inside, if you like eating holy sweetened grain caryopses when people die or are commemorated, if you like your priests dirty and uncultured, if you'd like to back a Church that gave birth and blessing to the "pogrom" concept, then this is the belief for you.

Stop wearing western clothes? Hmm.

Can I go naked?

naked is ok in some instances. penis sheaths and gourds are more standard on men.

naked is ok in some instances. penis sheaths and gourds are more standard on men.

Not the one where men invert their penises and stuff leaves in the end? That is awesome....my boyfriend couldn't even watch it on TV...when he was asleep I tried it on him and he was quite put out......:p

Tell you what: you send me $300us and I will forward $200 of it to my Church. You will get a nice pretty red card, a few pieces of Informative literature, and from there, you are on your own.:D

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.
pornbeerism. for the princely sum of all your worldly belongings i get you loaded and sit you down infront of a tv to wach porn in your underpants for 12 hours a day. there's also cake on wednesdays.

oh and, uh, i dunno... if you don't do that your soul-thingy will go to wal-mart for the rest of eternity and be poked with sharp, unpleasant things... like carrots. of course you have no way of telling, but isn't that piece of mind worth all your worldly belongings? :)

Not the one where men invert their penises and stuff leaves in the end? That is awesome....my boyfriend couldn't even watch it on TV...when he was asleep I tried it on him and he was quite put out......:p

nah, different countries - the jon frum cult is in vanuatu, bruce parry got his penis pushed in west papua. that was a great series though.

and you're mean.

and you're mean.
quite :eek:
remind me not to ever fall asleep around Carisbrooke! *shiftyeyes*

nah, different countries - the jon frum cult is in vanuatu, bruce parry got his penis pushed in west papua. that was a great series though.

and you're mean.

MOI? I am a pussy cat....*purrs*

quite
remind me not to ever fall asleep around Carisbrooke! *shiftyeyes*

*hides leaves behind back*

;)

pornbeerism. for the princely sum of all your worldly belongings i get you loaded and sit you down infront of a tv to wach porn in your underpants for 12 hours a day. there's also cake on wednesdays.

oh and, uh, i dunno... if you don't do that your soul-thingy will go to wal-mart for the rest of eternity and be poked with sharp, unpleasant things... like carrots. of course you have no way of telling, but isn't that piece of mind worth all your worldly belongings? :)

To be honest, for all of my personal belongings, I think I'd want to get more than just porn...how about a real girl? That'd be more of a treat. :D

To be honest, for all of my personal belongings, I think I'd want to get more than just porn...how about a real girl? That'd be more of a treat. :D

Yep. Thats about what they cost these days.

Yep. Thats about what they cost these days.

*Zing. I just got told, especially because it's so true (or was, in my case) :(.

See how it boils down to cost all the time...what I want to point out is the excellent value for money. Especially that offered by English women. My lovely man came here from Canada after merely chatting to me on NS and liked what he saw so much that he emigrated, I think that speaks volumes about the cost/reward ratio over here...

*produces a bundle of leaves*

Did I mention the penis invertion thing?

A cost/benefit analysis of real women? Probably not the best of Ideas, but you do end up praying to god that they don't get any more expensive.:p

A cost/benefit analysis of real women? Probably not the best of Ideas, but you do end up praying to god that they don't get any more expensive.:p

Think we're going to need more prayers...

Think we're going to need more prayers...

I guess I'm screwed then.

I guess I'm screwed then.

You and me both buddy, you and me both.

By All That Is Fluffy, let me introduce you to divine fluffinessism. No payment is neccessary, but I sure would appreciate a donation. Also, by donating money, you increase your chances of being allowed to beta-test my fluffalicious (and posibly evil. not to mention holy) software! Sometime far in the future, that is.

You don't really need to do that much in order to follow divine fluffinessism in an acceptable manner. You are not allowed to under any circumstances become unreasonable, unless you have just endured something extremely mentally traumatic, in which case it could be seen as excusable until you recover. As long as you can justify your behavior using valid logical arguments, nothing is strictly forbidden. Also, as being completely rational is impossible for human beings, as long as you strive towards it and continually reach improvements, irrationality can be overlooked as long as it remains harmless.

There are however, a few principles that you are recommended to follow:
1. Make sure to laugh, or atleast giggle, maniacally once in a while. If you manage to do it in such a fearsome way that you end up frightening people, your level of holiness (as well as evilness, but it doesn't really matter, since it's pure, wholesome evil, now does it?) will skyrocket.
2. Drink plenty of caffeinated drinks; coffee is recommended. You see, while caffeine is not (as Uncyclopedia claims) vitamin C, it is holy. And not merely slightly holy, but infact nothing less than The Holy Drug.
3. Watch hentai; it is one of the single most wholesome activities imagineable. Make sure to keep your mind as dirty as possible and to giggle maniacally as you watch the terribly terribly eeevil little females *insert hysterical giggle here* endure whatever happens to them.
4. Try to keep yourself happy using whatever methods you prefer.
5. Maintain near-obsessive intrests and become (unless you already are one, of cource) a bitter, cynical, misanthropic nerd.
7. Everyone is of equal value; exactly none! The only value you will ever have is that which you give yourself. Don't, under any circumstances, let others decide your value, as doing so is pretty damn stupid.

That's pretty much it, for now atleast. Oh, and may you live a life of fluffiness!

MWAHhaHAHAhahAhHAhAHHAAA!1!!

snip


You said "fluff":D

The only promise my religion gives is eternal life instead of eternal damnation. Sorry I'm not interesting.

I am the First Minister in the Church of Lemon Meringue.

'Nuff said. Welcome to the yellowy side.

Come to my religion and experience the best of all religions everywhere...

From our good brothers, the rastafrians we have decreed the ganja to be a holy herb for the good of man and his laziness. From the buddhists we have the concept of enlightenment through thought and meditation. From the hindhus we have colourful festivities, deities and lots of dancing. From the catholics we have the nice architecture and the taking of the confession, to clear one's mind of one's wrongdoings (yet you don't have to pay for it in prayer, just meditation and perhaps a slight donation to a good charity fund), from the protestants we have the love of words and reading, the appreciation of books and the interpretation of their meaning on a personal level. From the mormons we have the possibility of marrying several people, this goes for men and women. From the Islam we get the giving to charity as an important part of the religious person's life and devotion to family and community as well. From the Pastafarians we get the idea that no one should let themselves become persons without a sense of humour (especially when it comes to religion) and last but not least from the Jewish faith we get lots of candles, chanuka and the dreidel song...

And most importantly, when you join my religion, you will get days off for every religious holiday...

Get the Pimp Religion: Slap a ho.

Slap a ho.

Shouldn't that be hoe? and being as they are gardening tools, slapping them makes little sense as it would hurt your hand...

Honestly...some people.

:p

Have a brochure.

The Commandments of the Divine Church of Halo

1. Thou shalt face the television screen and engage in worship of the Divine Games two hours daily

2. Thou shalt worship the Creators Bungie and the Great Lords Microsoft

3. Thou shalt reject the false idols of Sony and Nintendo

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Live ranking

5. Thou shalt not use the Noob Combo

6. Thou shalt not teamkill

7. Thou shalt purchase 6ft fibreglass statues of the Lord Master Chief

8. Thou shalt watch every episode of Red vs Blue

9. Thou shalt own the Halo 2 Limited Edition

So, interested?

Have a brochure.



So, interested?
Old Testament Halo 1 was way more smite-worthy... ;)

So, interested?

No. Halo is crap.

And most importantly, when you join my religion, you will get days off for every religious holiday...

Ain't syncretism awesome? :D

Wait .... nothing from the Pagans?

Shouldn't that be hoe? and being as they are gardening tools, slapping them makes little sense as it would hurt your hand...

Honestly...some people.

:p

Where did you learn to spell?
*pimp slaps Carisbrooke*

2. O SON OF SPIRIT!
The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.

(Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words)



Go check this out.

http://www.bahai.us/

I'll give you $10 if you join my religion. That's the entirety of my pitch.

All my religion involves is drinking beer while watching the footy/cricket, enjoying the Playstation, or pretty much whenever you feel like it. The greatness that is David Boon is my spiritual leader. The only bad points are that I haven't worked out how to get free beer & you can end up feeling a bit seedy the next day. Anyway, the choice is yours. I'll be at the pub if you feel like joining. ;)

I am the First Minister in the Church of Lemon Meringue.

'Nuff said. Welcome to the yellowy side.

whatever.

will jon frum ever bring cargo to your followers? hell no.

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.
well, I wouldn't "Sell" my religion to you. I would invite you to a party (be it Christmas, Halloween, or whatever) we would be having and let you make your own decisions. But I would not try to convince you by standing at your door, preaching like some other religions would.

Be Catholic, they have Heaven... something the others lack.. and it is a cool Heaven... which is better than the false ones...which don't exist... and are really Hell... which in no way resembles the better parts of New York.
http://www.2404.org/forums/images/smilies/haha.gif

people of all races, creeds, and sexual orientations will hate you, if not also think you are deluded and ignorant. Also, you get painted as a bigot. ;)

that's the best I can do.

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.
my religion worships a god that takes four forms. Porn, Pot, Poon, and Pilsner.

Our secondary deity is a nice irish man. I believe his name is Jameson.

Your not worthy (unless you can understand this) *ahem* Salve ad tu, posse tu audit hic, ille tu posse tum sum paenitens, et salve, posse tu non tum ego voluntas mortuus tu. (i thouht not).

Go on, then. Assume for a moment that you are going around doorknocking, and come to my house. So...sell your religion to me! Tell me all the good stuff, but don't forget to throw in what I have to give up, though. They always leave out that part.

Okay

Knock Knock
Who's there?
My religion
My religion who?
Shut up.


Anyway,

*knock*

Hello sir. Peace, love, liberty! Be accepting of other peoples opinions and respect the religion or absence of one that other people have.

God doesn't care about you, so you shouldn't care about God.

Join my religion. Not only is Friday a religious holiday that you would get off of work, you also can attend all worship services in full pirate regalia. (you see, Pirates are the Chosen People)

Also, we have the best heaven: it includes a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano.

Fluffle to anyone who can name the religion.

Religious conversion, eh? Hm, I think my 30-something greats grandfather (well a few hundred of them, probably) was in this business for awhile. Let see if I remember how this goes.
*puts on chainmail and grabs sword*
*Ahem* Mr Kanabia. You are hereby charged with, ah . . . blaspheming against God, his reprobate son, and our Lord, Jesus Christ, his Holiness the Pope, and the Saints. Do you convert from your heathen ways and enter into the light? Or do you suffer the wrath of Christianity in general, and meself in specifics? Speak now or forever hold your piece.
Oh, yeah, and I'm also supposed to do this.
*chops of Kanabia's left hand*
That's the hand with the evil in it, and your hemmoraging is just wickedness draining from your body. I think.

Join my religion. Not only is Friday a religious holiday that you would get off of work, you also can attend all worship services in full pirate regalia. (you see, Pirates are the Chosen People)

Also, we have the best heaven: it includes a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano.

Fluffle to anyone who can name the religion.

Easy, FSM.

Easy, FSM.
:fluffle: :fluffle:

I'm surprised it took so long...thought I had killed the thread for a while there.

Yes, I am a Pastafarian. You should all join.

Become an animist. It takes care of all your needs with no hassle and no questions asked. No such thing as sin. No rule book or preachers to obey. No threats against your immortal soul to extort obedience.

We have a spirit or god for everything -- healings, travel, childbirth, traffic safety, bank accounts, cell phones and software. You need it? We got it. We've got shrines at thousands of convenient locations, and our priests will even come to your house and bless your appliances and pets. Round the clock service, and reasonable rates.

Yes, yes, I see that look in your eye. What's the catch you're wondering. Well, sir, the only catch is that you'll have a lot more friends -- most of them invisible, but friends nonetheless. Friends you can count on. Friends in need who are friends indeed. And like any friend who is there for you, who does for you and stands up for you, there may come day when you'll have repay the favor. But wouldn't you be happy to do that -- for your friends?

Become an animist and never be lonely again. :)