Underage Hotties
25-03-2006, 23:17
I am an athevangelist. Every Sunday, I go to church. It is a different church every weak, and I hold a large sign that says "GOD IS FAKE :) :)" where all the church-goers can see it. Then I write and publish my "atheventures" recounting my experience on the Internet Infidels Discussion Boards.
The last episode was boring until someone else on the IIDB decided to spice it up a little. Here it is:
You want something weird? Here is the weirdest thing that happened: A guy with a kid was telling me about his messed-up past, how he drank a lot, did drugs, committed crimes, and got in fights until he found Jesus. It was the usual Jesus junkie story, except that he told me that he had to register his hands as dangerous weapons. I called him on his BS. It is a preposterous yet common myth that people are required to register their hands (like they would register guns) if they get to get too good at unarmed combat, but I have never met anyone who claimed that they actually registered. He said it was in California, and he had to register his hands because he was a boxer who got in fights. I said, "No state in the union requires anyone to register their hands as dangerous weapons." He asked, "Are you calling me a liar?" I said, "Yes!"
He threw a hay-maker which I blocked easily, and responded instantly with a front kick to the gut.
He recoiled in pain against the wall, and yelled psychotically, "You'll pay for that!"
I did a bit of kata, and wound up standing on one foot in the crane stance, using one hand to beckon him forward.
He lunged at me, and I spun around him in mid-punch, striking him in the kidneys with my elbow on the way past.
He spun instantly and grabbed me in a bear hug, lifting me from the ground. I tried to break free but his boxer-grip was too strong. I felt the ever increasing pressure on my chest and was about to black out when I came to in a Van-Damme-esq resurgence of strength and executed a back kick to his groin.
He dropped me and I did a shoulder-roll away from him while I took a second to recover.
He was in a bad way and hobbled away saying, "You're dead mother-fucker! You just messed with the wrong church!"
I called after him, "Yeah whatever pal! Don't forget to get your nuts registered with the Oregon State Hospital!"
I had no idea what was to come, and thought he was just full of shit again, so I picked up my sign as he limped pitifully into the front entrance of the church.
The glow of victory was short-lived however.
Five minutes later whilst I was talking to an old lady with blue hair about Jesus saving her cats from an illness my keen martial arts senses told me something wasn't right.
I looked up to see the church building was covered in ninjas. They were all dressed in black except for a khaki green Beaverton Christian logo on their foreheads.
http://img92.imageshack.us/img92/2276/ninjaface1xw.jpg
I then realised that I had inadvertently stumbled upon the secret training facility of the Church of Jesus Jujitsu!
Ancient legend spoke of such a place but I never believed such a thing actually existed.
Just then I was woken from my mental musings when a shuriken whistled past my right ear and buried itself into the telephone pole beside me.
The crucifix motif of the design confirmed my suspicions, and I readied myself for the worst.
I told the old lady to "Get out of here!" and I pushed her to one side as the sidewalk in front of me was suddenly populated with a sea of ever encroaching crossbow bolts.
I jumped into the air in a somersaulting motion at the last second, and drew the samurai sword concealed in my "God is Fake" sign, (thanking my lucky stars I had thought to be prepared for a major ninja attack).
I deflected another shuriken before hitting the ground, and stood ready for the oncoming wall of ninja warriors who had now, strangely, given up on their projectile attacks.
They formed a circle around me and for some unexplained reason attacked me one at a time.
I countered each move differently, and my attacks became increasingly risky and outlandish as the fight progressed. I'm not exactly sure why I did that.
Having defeated all my opponents I stayed at the ready stance as some of them crawled away bleeding and moaning.
Then they all seemed to stop and stare at a small man who had emerged from the church entrance.
I looked up and our eyes met. He was a bald old man with a Fu Manchu moustache and a knowing expression.
He nodded sagely and said, "Very good. But now you must face me, the master of Jesus jujitsu."
For some reason I cannot explain, I threw away my sword at that point and prepared for an attack.
The old man launched from a standing position at the top of the step into a 40 foot flying kick which I barely dodged in time. We then exchanged a quick series of punches which were each blocked by the other.
We broke away from each other and he said calmly, "You can't defeat me. I have the power of Jesus." He then quickly went into a low horse stance and the air crackled violently around him. Particles of light seemed to appear out of thin air and move toward a central point between his outstretched hands.
It took like 20 seconds - I don't exactly know why I didn't just go and bean him at this point - I guess I was too surprised by what he was doing.
He pulled his arms back and then shot them back out in a throwing motion and to my surprise a ball of blue energy came toward me, knocking me into the side of a parked car 80 feet away, crushing me halfway through the chassis and setting off the alarm.
I was stunned and in severe pain, but extracted myself quickly in case of another attack.
He had disappeared, and I used the time to recover and consider my next move. My shirt was torn, so I took it off.
I then heard a familiar crackling sound behind me a whirled to see another energy ball coming at me. This time I was prepared and used a Satanic San Shou Shielding move to deflect it.
I then immediately went into an ancient and lethal technique taught to me at the Evil Atheist Temple in Nepal, the Demonic Dim Mak. It was a secret and complex kata that culminated with a red bolt of energy which I fired from my hands toward the master.
It struck him and he started to dissolve downward in a column of flames saying, "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? ... What a world ... What a world ..."
I stood there staring at the burned stain on the sidewalk my energy spent on the battle, and then turned wearily around.
The boxer was standing on the steps of the church with a gun pointed right at me. I froze.
He said, "That was pretty fancy mister. But now you gonna pay."
His muscles flexed on the trigger, and a shot rang out.
I looked down at my chest, but there was no injury.
I looked up to see the boxer's shocked expression as blood started to come from his chest and his eyes rolled up into his head as he slumped to the ground.
I turned to see the old blue-haired lady I had pushed away at the start of the battle, standing there with a smoking 44 magnum and a satisfied expression on her face.
"I always carry protection", she said glancing down at her open handbag.
Not much else happened that day.
The last episode was boring until someone else on the IIDB decided to spice it up a little. Here it is:
You want something weird? Here is the weirdest thing that happened: A guy with a kid was telling me about his messed-up past, how he drank a lot, did drugs, committed crimes, and got in fights until he found Jesus. It was the usual Jesus junkie story, except that he told me that he had to register his hands as dangerous weapons. I called him on his BS. It is a preposterous yet common myth that people are required to register their hands (like they would register guns) if they get to get too good at unarmed combat, but I have never met anyone who claimed that they actually registered. He said it was in California, and he had to register his hands because he was a boxer who got in fights. I said, "No state in the union requires anyone to register their hands as dangerous weapons." He asked, "Are you calling me a liar?" I said, "Yes!"
He threw a hay-maker which I blocked easily, and responded instantly with a front kick to the gut.
He recoiled in pain against the wall, and yelled psychotically, "You'll pay for that!"
I did a bit of kata, and wound up standing on one foot in the crane stance, using one hand to beckon him forward.
He lunged at me, and I spun around him in mid-punch, striking him in the kidneys with my elbow on the way past.
He spun instantly and grabbed me in a bear hug, lifting me from the ground. I tried to break free but his boxer-grip was too strong. I felt the ever increasing pressure on my chest and was about to black out when I came to in a Van-Damme-esq resurgence of strength and executed a back kick to his groin.
He dropped me and I did a shoulder-roll away from him while I took a second to recover.
He was in a bad way and hobbled away saying, "You're dead mother-fucker! You just messed with the wrong church!"
I called after him, "Yeah whatever pal! Don't forget to get your nuts registered with the Oregon State Hospital!"
I had no idea what was to come, and thought he was just full of shit again, so I picked up my sign as he limped pitifully into the front entrance of the church.
The glow of victory was short-lived however.
Five minutes later whilst I was talking to an old lady with blue hair about Jesus saving her cats from an illness my keen martial arts senses told me something wasn't right.
I looked up to see the church building was covered in ninjas. They were all dressed in black except for a khaki green Beaverton Christian logo on their foreheads.
http://img92.imageshack.us/img92/2276/ninjaface1xw.jpg
I then realised that I had inadvertently stumbled upon the secret training facility of the Church of Jesus Jujitsu!
Ancient legend spoke of such a place but I never believed such a thing actually existed.
Just then I was woken from my mental musings when a shuriken whistled past my right ear and buried itself into the telephone pole beside me.
The crucifix motif of the design confirmed my suspicions, and I readied myself for the worst.
I told the old lady to "Get out of here!" and I pushed her to one side as the sidewalk in front of me was suddenly populated with a sea of ever encroaching crossbow bolts.
I jumped into the air in a somersaulting motion at the last second, and drew the samurai sword concealed in my "God is Fake" sign, (thanking my lucky stars I had thought to be prepared for a major ninja attack).
I deflected another shuriken before hitting the ground, and stood ready for the oncoming wall of ninja warriors who had now, strangely, given up on their projectile attacks.
They formed a circle around me and for some unexplained reason attacked me one at a time.
I countered each move differently, and my attacks became increasingly risky and outlandish as the fight progressed. I'm not exactly sure why I did that.
Having defeated all my opponents I stayed at the ready stance as some of them crawled away bleeding and moaning.
Then they all seemed to stop and stare at a small man who had emerged from the church entrance.
I looked up and our eyes met. He was a bald old man with a Fu Manchu moustache and a knowing expression.
He nodded sagely and said, "Very good. But now you must face me, the master of Jesus jujitsu."
For some reason I cannot explain, I threw away my sword at that point and prepared for an attack.
The old man launched from a standing position at the top of the step into a 40 foot flying kick which I barely dodged in time. We then exchanged a quick series of punches which were each blocked by the other.
We broke away from each other and he said calmly, "You can't defeat me. I have the power of Jesus." He then quickly went into a low horse stance and the air crackled violently around him. Particles of light seemed to appear out of thin air and move toward a central point between his outstretched hands.
It took like 20 seconds - I don't exactly know why I didn't just go and bean him at this point - I guess I was too surprised by what he was doing.
He pulled his arms back and then shot them back out in a throwing motion and to my surprise a ball of blue energy came toward me, knocking me into the side of a parked car 80 feet away, crushing me halfway through the chassis and setting off the alarm.
I was stunned and in severe pain, but extracted myself quickly in case of another attack.
He had disappeared, and I used the time to recover and consider my next move. My shirt was torn, so I took it off.
I then heard a familiar crackling sound behind me a whirled to see another energy ball coming at me. This time I was prepared and used a Satanic San Shou Shielding move to deflect it.
I then immediately went into an ancient and lethal technique taught to me at the Evil Atheist Temple in Nepal, the Demonic Dim Mak. It was a secret and complex kata that culminated with a red bolt of energy which I fired from my hands toward the master.
It struck him and he started to dissolve downward in a column of flames saying, "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? ... What a world ... What a world ..."
I stood there staring at the burned stain on the sidewalk my energy spent on the battle, and then turned wearily around.
The boxer was standing on the steps of the church with a gun pointed right at me. I froze.
He said, "That was pretty fancy mister. But now you gonna pay."
His muscles flexed on the trigger, and a shot rang out.
I looked down at my chest, but there was no injury.
I looked up to see the boxer's shocked expression as blood started to come from his chest and his eyes rolled up into his head as he slumped to the ground.
I turned to see the old blue-haired lady I had pushed away at the start of the battle, standing there with a smoking 44 magnum and a satisfied expression on her face.
"I always carry protection", she said glancing down at her open handbag.
Not much else happened that day.