NationStates Jolt Archive

who is really depressed?

actually, more accurately, how do I help this person?

she's my girlfriend, long distance kind of thing. and she has gotten sad over work. and i mean really sad. and its affecting us as well, so i'm trying to be strong.

so should i give her space? should i try at all or just leave her get over it? or what should i do? i really wanna cheer her up again.

Ask her. Ask her if she wants you around to talk to/to cheer her up, or if she wants space. Either way, let her know that you're there if she needs you and she can always talk to you if she wants. Let her know you care. Let her know she won't ever be alone in this.

However, only say these type of things if you truly mean it.

(If you want it, here (http://www.wingofmadness.com/information/worst_things.htm) is a list of the worst things to say.)

Also, don't try and push her to be happy - she'll probably need someone she can be sad around. Don't force her to talk about things either. You don't want to push her away.

Remember you can't cure her problems but you can be there to give advice and support - simply knowing she has someone to turn to can be priceless and something to help her through whatever's going on.

I'm not sure if you're talking about actual depression here, or someone who's simply feeling low at the moment. I have an unfinished website on depression and there's a particular page (http://www.freewebs.com/understandingdepression/knowsomeonedepressed.htm) for if you know someone depressed.

i do mean those things and i do say stuff like em. i do sometimes try and push her to cheer up or to tell me whats wrong. i think its kind of really low, bordering on depression. its hard for me as well cos i feel useless and it does affect us when she acts weird. and before i realised the full extent of it i was gettin annoyed at her so that wasn't helpful.

but i really realsie now that i just have to be strong for her, and be there for her.

do you think i should remind her i'm here if she wants to talk often?
or telling her that i'm there for her?

I would be honest with her, tell her that you care about her and you have noticed a change in her moods and that you are worried. When I was depressed it felt like nobody cared and that I didn't matter, telling her straight out that she does matter and you do care, even if she doesn't show it, it will comfort her.

and, oh, I would listen to just about anything Glitziness has to say about it.

i do mean those things and i do say stuff like em. i do sometimes try and push her to cheer up or to tell me whats wrong. i think its kind of really low, bordering on depression. its hard for me as well cos i feel useless and it does affect us when she acts weird. and before i realised the full extent of it i was gettin annoyed at her so that wasn't helpful.

but i really realsie now that i just have to be strong for her, and be there for her.

do you think i should remind her i'm here if she wants to talk often?
or telling her that i'm there for her?
There's nothing wrong with trying to cheer her up. But there's a line you can cross when it starts putting pressure on her that will only make her feel worse.

I know it's hard to stand by and see people you care about suffer, but you have to accept that you can't make her problems go away - what you can do is make them easier by giving her support.

Ultimately, she needs you and you want her to have you as someone to turn to. So however hard it is to not keep pushing her to tell you what's wrong, you don't want her to withdraw from you - it's better to give her time until she finds it easier to talk. Letting her know you're always willing to listen will help this.

You can remind her as often as you like. Just watch out for any signs that it's having an undesired effect. Just telling her she doesn't need to say anything and hugging her can be useful sometimes.

When she's acting strangely, try and remember that this isn't reflecting her true character. If it is depression, it'll probably be a twisted version of her. You need to work out what's best for you in situations like that. To leave her alone with space. To try and talk it out. To simply give her a hug. It depends on you, her, your relationship together and the specific situation. Perhaps you could discuss with her how she'd prefer for you to react?
Try not to worry about what you do too much. If you care about her, that will show. Whether she can see it when she's low or not, she'll probably be able to see more clearly when she's feeling better.
This very thread shows you care :)

Don't give her space, give her support. The worst thing you can do for a depressed person is to let them withdraw. Though they may feel comfortable doing so, isolating themselves just feeds the depression.
Encourage her to seek professional help.

I would be honest with her, tell her that you care about her and you have noticed a change in her moods and that you are worried. When I was depressed it felt like nobody cared and that I didn't matter, telling her straight out that she does matter and you do care, even if she doesn't show it, it will comfort her.

and, oh, I would listen to just about anything Glitziness has to say about it.

well i am trying on that front. for a few days i kinda stopped telling her i loved her cos i knew she wouldn't say it back. but i cleared it with her that there is no pressure for her to say it back but that i wanted to remind her that someone does love her.

and it does seem Glitzi is giving good advice

To simply give her a hug. It depends on you, her, your relationship together and the specific situation.

i really really wish that, but as i said long distance. shame cos i really think it would her to have someone close to cuddle upto. or at least help me :)

Don't give her space, give her support. The worst thing you can do for a depressed person is to let them withdraw. Though they may feel comfortable doing so, isolating themselves just feeds the depression.

Very true.

To clarify : when I talk about giving space, I mean for a short period of time (ie an evening) where she needs some time to be alone. I also mean giving space by not forcing advice on her or forcing her to have long, deep conversations about her feelings with you.

Going to the extreme of giving space by totally leaving her alone to withdraw or ignoring the problem completely is not at all what I meant.

i really really wish that, but as i said long distance. shame cos i really think it would her to have someone close to cuddle upto. or at least help me :)
Ah, yes. I know that problem...
How long-distance is it?

Ah, yes. I know that problem...
How long-distance is it?

Ireland to Holland

Ireland to Holland
That must be incredibly hard... :fluffle:
I really admire you for sticking through the relationship, and I'm sure she really appreciates it :)
How likely is there any chance of being able to meet up? I'm guessing it's rare so, for now, you'll have to stick to other communication. While it isn't the same, it can be easier to talk about how you feel and express your feelings for her in the written word, so don't discount how helpful you can still be (and are, I'm sure).
Can you call often?
And have you thought about encouraging some professional help?

That must be incredibly hard... :fluffle:
I really admire you for sticking through the relationship, and I'm sure she really appreciates it :)
How likely is there any chance of being able to meet up? I'm guessing it's rare so, for now, you'll have to stick to other communication. While it isn't the same, it can be easier to talk about how you feel and express your feelings for her in the written word, so don't discount how helpful you can still be (and are, I'm sure).
Can you call often?
And have you thought about encouraging some professional help?

i call her very occasionally, i don't want to now as i feel that would up the pressure on her. we either msn or text or email and the like.
we can't meet up till the summer cos i have school :(
though if things do really get bad i'm gonna go anyway, soon.

and i really don't know about encouraging that, she is a grown woman and doesn't need me to say that to her. again, if it gets worse or goes on a lot longer, i'll re evaluate my views on that.

in addition to the excellent advice above...

talk to her every day. dont skip days. she needs to know that there is one person in the world who cares enough to check on her.

if you think she is getting worse, get the phone numbers of emergency services so you can get her help if she sinks into suicidal thoughts.

sticking with her is the best thing you can do for her.

i call her very occasionally, i don't want to now as i feel that would up the pressure on her. we either msn or text or email and the like.
we can't meet up till the summer cos i have school :(
though if things do really get bad i'm gonna go anyway, soon.

and i really don't know about encouraging that, she is a grown woman and doesn't need me to say that to her. again, if it gets worse or goes on a lot longer, i'll re evaluate my views on that.
Have you asked her how she feels about you calling? because - assuming you can deal with the cost etc - she might like to be called. You can't know how she'll react unless you ask.

Have you at least mentioned it to her? You can bring up the idea and see what she thinks without pushing it on her or getting her annoyed.
Perhaps she wants you to mention it. She might think people will see her as weak for needing help and if you said you thought it was a good idea she might feel better about it.

who is really depressed?

As a person who is near crippingly depressed (thanks Mom - yes, I got it from her), I can tell you: You don't. Unless you're a professional, don't bother.

Just show her that you're there, but there's really nothing you can do. If it's genetic/hormonal, there is no way for her to "get over it" or "cheer up" without meds and unless you can provide those meds, don't try to help.

I promise you anything you do, other than just being around, will make it worse. Be empathetic, but not sympathetic, and most of all be understanding.

Have you asked her how she feels about you calling? because - assuming you can deal with the cost etc - she might like to be called. You can't know how she'll react unless you ask.

Have you at least mentioned it to her? You can bring up the idea and see what she thinks without pushing it on her or getting her annoyed.
Perhaps she wants you to mention it. She might think people will see her as weak for needing help and if you said you thought it was a good idea she might feel better about it.

i really will think about that. but knowing her she won't think of herself as weak wor needing help like that.

and i think i can handle the cost of one or two calls, as long as they aren't too long.

As a person who is near crippingly depressed (thanks Mom - yes, I got it from her), I can tell you: You don't. Unless you're a professional, don't bother.

Just show her that you're there, but there's really nothing you can do. If it's genetic/hormonal, there is no way for her to "get over it" or "cheer up" without meds and unless you can provide those meds, don't try to help.

I promise you anything you do, other than just being around, will make it worse. Be empathetic, but not sympathetic, and most of all be understanding.

well i'm not sure if its depression. i think its more that shes depressed (if you can see the difference like my mind does)