NationStates Jolt Archive

hi,
i am sitting here drinking heavily..lol

i just payed my kids car insurance payment cause i had the fore sight to have them email me when it is due.

she is off partying at school,which she stopped going cause she "forgot to send in financial stuff" and is mad at me about,i ran to my accountant..had the nice women fax the financials to her,but she never went and followed up.

did i mention i am a single dad of 2,working full time.

now she is not attending classes,supposedly is living with me,suppose to be working as a sorta penance,and saving money...but she is playing me,i am paying her car insurance,maintenance on her car,fodd...blah blah blah...aint seen or heard from her in 3 weeks.
i get an email,the policy is gonna lapse,so of coarse i pay it,with money better spent elsewhere...food and shit...and i call her cell and that is off.

she was just hanging with her mom for the last 2 weeks cause i told her you cant lay about and do nothing,and she got mad and went to mommies.

mommie dont pay the bills..i do,and i dont care,but i am feeling like a smuck,i am taking money i could spend on me or my son,who works hard,as do i,and am getting really pissed.

i want to punch the wall right about now...grrrrrr

sorry for the rant,i just needed to vent.

if i didn't pay the bill for her,she could get stopped and then i got to deal with the car getting impounded and her getting a 500.00 ticket.

which of coarse her mom wouldnt help with,they just bought a new house and all.

and i dont make shit ...girls...men aint all bad,trust me,if we were,i would be a son of abitch right now.

now, cause i had to pay her insurance(so she wont get in trouble)i get to eat hot dogs and microwave easy mac for the next 2 weeks...lovely.

i am pissed the fuck off!

i should go back to being a self centered asshole,and do what i want,but in my heart i cant hurt her...

any advice is most definately appreciated..thanks for dealing with this rant.:(

Tell her she has one month to shape up or she can ship out. If she refuses to believe you, stop paying ... for anything!

Yes, I'm serious. She is trying to whipsaw you, and is trusting in your concerns about mommie replacing you in her affections. The time for friendly persuasion is long past. Only drastic measures will work. One of two things will happen:

1. Either she will suddenly see the light and come dragging home, or ...

2. She will continue to cry on mommie's shoulder, only to eventually discover that mommie can't pay her bills.

And even if mommie is somehow able to pay her bills, all that means is that YOU don't. :)

I would consider cutting her off. If she doesn't go to school, or have a job, then she is not earning her keep. She needs to get off her lazy ass and start earning her keep. I would tell her that she must either go to school, or get a job in 2 weeks, or you're cutting her off. It's time for some tough love man.

What year is the car? If it's not too much of a hit transfer it to her and tell her "from now on this is your responsibility along with everything else."

(The transference is so if she gets into an accident or something it won't affect your insurance, credit, and all that)

EDIT: Oh, yeah, and it's not being a selfish asshole, it's teaching her how to be a responsible adult.

What year is the car? If it's not too much of a hit transfer it to her and tell her "from now on this is your responsibility along with everything else."

(The transference is so if she gets into an accident or something it won't affect your insurance, credit, and all that)
Excellent point! I missed that the car was still in his name.

Sit her down and have a talk. Lay the law down Daddio. Youre paying the bills and she needs to respect that. If she wants to run around as she pleases, then she needs to get a job and pay her own way. I know you love her and it's hard to say no, but tell her its because you love her that you've got to insist that she be more responsible. You wont be around forever to support her. She has to learn to be self sufficient. Its fine to help out your kids when they need you, but it sounds like she is taking advantage.

Dont drink *too* much;)

Sit her down and have a talk. Lay the law down Daddio. Youre paying the bills and she needs to respect that. If she wants to run around as she pleases, then she needs to get a job and pay her own way. I know you love her and it's hard to say no, but tell her its because you love her that you've got to insist that she be more responsible. You wont be around forever to support her. She has to learn to be self sufficient. Its fine to help out your kids when they need you, but it sounds like she is taking advantage.

Dont drink *too* much;)

Yea, but would talking really help, or would she just roll her eyes and say "whatever daddy." I say cut her off, and let her deal with it on her own.

Yea, but would talking really help, or would she just roll her eyes and say "whatever daddy." I say cut her off, and let her deal with it on her own.
Exactly! A good hard dose of reality is truly needed at this point.

Yea, but would talking really help, or would she just roll her eyes and say "whatever daddy." I say cut her off, and let her deal with it on her own.


I just suggest letting her know how its going to be. This is what I do, this is what you do, and this is what has happened as a result of your irresponsibility. I paid your insurance, now go get in your car, get a job so next month you can pay it yourself.And if you want to go to your mom's because you disagree with my rules....then you should just move in with her and let her pay your bills.

How old is she by the way?

How old is she by the way?

Well from the rant, I'm guessing college age. So 18-25?

I think he's gone to refill his drink. Or he may have passed out on the keyboard by now.

Hey, be sure to keep us updated man. Good luck to you. :)

Hey, be sure to keep us updated man. Good luck to you. :)


Youre always so nice.:D


Yes good luck secret aj man! Dont take anymore crap!

I would consider cutting her off. If she doesn't go to school, or have a job, then she is not earning her keep. She needs to get off her lazy ass and start earning her keep. I would tell her that she must either go to school, or get a job in 2 weeks, or you're cutting her off. It's time for some tough love man.

yes i am considering the attitude of,work or school,and if you dont like it...tough shit.

maybe i am too heavily influenced by my mom,she made mad exscuses for me,but i always worked.
but i was an asshole when i was young,the whole life needs to be handed to me...suburban rich brat mentality.

problem is..i aint rich..not even close.

every dollar i take from my account for her,shorts my son,and me...but i would starve for my kids.so i am at an impasse..

she is an honor roll kid..no shit..gpa is 3.8...never ever got worse then a (b) all through high school.

and i talked to the financial aid lady,and she said the proffessors love her,and we can work something out...but she never went to talk to her.

i think i feel inadequate as a father,like i should be like her friends dad's and just write a check.

all her friends dads are rich guys,and they drive bimmers,(the kids)i cant compete,i can barely feed myself and my kids.

she wont take a job were i live cause she is afraid the kids she knows will see her working...cause they spend the summer with daddies gold card and tanning.

i actually understand,and i feel bad for her,maybe why she has been so absent lately,like i let her down..which i feel like..but my dad was rich,and never gave me a penny...made me work,but she is such a great kid,i hate giving her grief.

i know she needs a work ethic and all,i have one,but i can barely...barely feed them.
so my attitude about work is pretty lost on her.

she has worked hard,to be on the deans list and got a few scholarships..i just am at wits end...i love her and respect how hard she has worked,and now,she is old enough to see me for what i am,a loser that scrapes by.
i did good by her and her brother when all i had to do was buy bikes for christmass,but in the big leagues..i cant compete.


and she see's it i'm sure.

so it is difficult to do the "tough love thing"

i wish she was small again and we were on the swings laughing:(

i love her,but i want to smack her...and tell her..sorry i aint rich like your friends parents are..it's just me,no help...wish i could do better:(

thanks to everyone by the way....bad night for me i guess.

i always listen.

Youre always so nice.:D


Yes good luck secret aj man! Dont take anymore crap!

If you think I'm nice now, you should see me when I'm with kittens, I just turn to mush when those cute little kitties play with me. Damn my soft spots for kittens and cats. :D

If you think I'm nice now, you should see me when I'm with kittens, I just turn to mush when those cute little kitties play with me. Damn my soft spots for kittens and cats. :D


funny you should mention. I was outside a few minutes ago and a stray cat came up to me and let me pet it. Of course I went in and got a can of tuna and a bowl of water, fed her and made her a bed. Keep in mind I am HIGHLY allergic to cats, but I love them so I cant help it. She is asleep in my Suntrust folding chair in the carport.

sorry for the hijack aj man.....are you still with us?

yes i am considering the attitude of,work or school,and if you dont like it...tough shit.

maybe i am too heavily influenced by my mom,she made mad exscuses for me,but i always worked.
but i was an asshole when i was young,the whole life needs to be handed to me...suburban rich brat mentality.

problem is..i aint rich..not even close.

every dollar i take from my account for her,shorts my son,and me...but i would starve for my kids.so i am at an impasse..

she is an honor roll kid..no shit..gpa is 3.8...never ever got worse then a (b) all through high school.

and i talked to the financial aid lady,and she said the proffessors love her,and we can work something out...but she never went to talk to her.

i think i feel inadequate as a father,like i should be like her friends dad's and just write a check.

all her friends dads are rich guys,and they drive bimmers,(the kids)i cant compete,i can barely feed myself and my kids.

she wont take a job were i live cause she is afraid the kids she knows will see her working...cause they spend the summer with daddies gold card and tanning.

i actually understand,and i feel bad for her,maybe why she has been so absent lately,like i let her down..which i feel like..but my dad was rich,and never gave me a penny...made me work,but she is such a great kid,i hate giving her grief.

i know she needs a work ethic and all,i have one,but i can barely...barely feed them.
so my attitude about work is pretty lost on her.

she has worked hard,to be on the deans list and got a few scholarships..i just am at wits end...i love her and respect how hard she has worked,and now,she is old enough to see me for what i am,a loser that scrapes by.
i did good by her and her brother when all i had to do was buy bikes for christmass,but in the big leagues..i cant compete.


and she see's it i'm sure.

so it is difficult to do the "tough love thing"

i wish she was small again and we were on the swings laughing:(

i love her,but i want to smack her...and tell her..sorry i aint rich like your friends parents are..it's just me,no help...wish i could do better:(

thanks to everyone by the way....bad night for me i guess.

i always listen.


So you're not rich, boo hoo. It sounds to me like you've done the best you can with your children, and that's all a parent can do, and she just wants to be another Paris Hilton. Hey, if she wants to live the "rich" life, then she should do it on her own dime. She is working you like a pack mule man. I mean if she realizes that you can't live the rich lifestyle, but doesn't do anything to help out, then it's her fault, not yours. While it is great that she had such a good time in college, but now it's time for her to go out into the real world. The only way to do that at this point is to kick her out of the nest.

Get your balls back man.

I'm sorry you're so distressed about this. But you have to talk to her. You have to make her see what's really important. It takes a stronger person to get a job and pay their way than it does to live off daddy like her friends do. You shouldnt feel guilty about that. Its easier said than done I know. She is intelligent and she should be proud of that, but she should also be respectful to you. Do you think she would be willing to sit down and have a long talk?

How old is she by the way?

she is 20,
and i am getting good advice..thank you to everyone...i am truly confused..go figure.


thanks everyone.

she is 20,
and i am getting good advice..thank you to everyone...i am truly confused..go figure.


thanks everyone.

Anytime doll. Update us in this thread or tg me. I wish you the best and hope you can find a solution soon.

So you're not rich, boo hoo. It sounds to me like you've done the best you can with your children, and that's all a parent can do, and she just wants to be another Paris Hilton. Hey, if she wants to live the "rich" life, then she should do it on her own dime. She is working you like a pack mule man. I mean if she realizes that you can't live the rich lifestyle, but doesn't do anything to help out, then it's her fault, not yours. While it is great that she had such a good time in college, but now it's time for her to go out into the real world. The only way to do that at this point is to kick her out of the nest.

Get your balls back man.

tell me what you really think...lol

i will point out that she aint a paris hilton rich bitch...not even close...she is warm and a great kid.

but imagine going to school,on a scholarship she earned,and all her friends dads are rich and the kids drive bimmers,and i am bitching about car insurance...:-(

thats my curse..i look at everything from the other point of view,or the others position.

i am just at the point i want to bash my head against a wall...i love her so much,i respect how hard she has worked..but i am feeling used and at the same time..proud of her?

i guess there is no point to this...just a rant i guess,but i wish she didnt use me so bad.

and i wish she wasn't so damn sweet and smart and hardworking.(except the whole job thng..lol)

Let me just tell you my story and you can make of it what you will:

In the Spring of 1980 I was a sophmore in college and I all but flunked out for various reasons (not the least of which was that my best friend scored a kilo of Hashish for "personal consumption" just as the semester began). After my final grades came in that May, my dad (who had title to my car) asked me to come into the den after dinner. Once there, he told me that he was dissapointed in me and that it "saddened" him (I'll never forget his use of the word "saddened") that he felt he needed to do what he in fact did. Long story short, title to my car was in his name and he took the keys and sold the car and used the $ to pay for the next year of college. He then cut me off from any "extra" money for the next year. In other words, all tuition, books, my dorm room, school cafeteria meals and required costs were paid for by him from the proceeds of the sale of my car. However, when I returned to school in the fall, any extra $ I had would come from my working that summer and saving up and any $ I could earn via a job while in school. By August I had a part-time job at the school and by January of the next year, after eating nothing but cafeteria food and depending on friends for transportation and having no $ to speak of (my take home from my part time job on the maintainance crew was about $40.00/week) I had learned my lesson and I got my shit together. My grades improved significantly and in my senior year my dad got me another car (a used "junker") and began sending me a $50/week allowance. I graduated, got a job with an insurance company where I worked for 4 years before I quit and went to law school where I did well and paid my own way in full (OK, I had $30k in student loans when I got out of law school, but dad provided no financial aid to speak of for law school). Most importantly, it was a matter of pride that I did it on my own for law school and the only $ I took from dad during law school was used to pay my car note ($180.00/month) I earned or borrowed the $ to pay for rent, all utilities, car insurance (and at age 27, driving a 6 cylinder Pontiac Fiero, Insurance was expensive). Also, dad only made the car note when I was "short," maybe 8 times in the 3 years I was in law school. I worked part time jobs to pay for the rest.

"Tough Love" worked on me; once I was cut off I learned about the "work ethic" and self-preservation. Do your daughter a favor and give her the same. Make her pay her own way. If mom helps her, then fine, let mom help her, but don't succumb to the temptation to be an enabler yourself. When she and/or mom get mad at you for refusing to "pony up" deal with it, but stand your ground. Respect and $ are earned benefits, not entitlements. Let your daughter learn that, the hard way if need be. When she enters the "real world" after college, she'll find out quick that her boss's ex-spouse generally won't jump in to save her from her boss's decision to fire her. Let her learn now that you won't jump in to save her from her mom either.

Sorry if this is a bit garbled in its message, but it is the best I could do at 2 am after a 1/2 pint of Smirnoff Blue Label. :)

tell me what you really think...lol

That's just how I am, I'm direct and brutually honest. I don't try to beat around the bush or find a "nice" way to put things.


i will point out that she aint a paris hilton rich bitch...not even close...she is warm and a great kid.

That's good.


but imagine going to school,on a scholarship she earned,and all her friends dads are rich and the kids drive bimmers,and i am bitching about car insurance...:-(

So? We can't all be rich man, we would LIKE to be rich, but sometimes it's not going to happen for us. Also, car insurance is a really big deal, espically if you want to have another insurance added on down the road. You got to look at how this is going to affect you. Let the rich people do their thing, whatever, don't try to keep up with the Jones man, you'll just end up causing yourself alot of grief over nothing!


thats my curse..i look at everything from the other point of view,or the others position.

Eh, maybe it's time to change that. Maybe this is the time where you're to change the way you look at things and for your daughter to get a job.


i am just at the point i want to bash my head against a wall...i love her so much,i respect how hard she has worked..but i am feeling used and at the same time..proud of her?

It's great that she worked hard in college, but what did she work hard for? She should've worked hard so that one day she would get a job, maybe stop depending on daddy. What happened anyways, is she still in college, or did she drop out what? I remember the very first thing my parents told me when I got into college. That I was going to college so that I can get a job when I get out and be self reliant.


i guess there is no point to this...just a rant i guess,but i wish she didnt use me so bad.

And that's the problem, she's using you. A daughter does not do that to a dad that worked so hard to help her along the way. Daughters don't go crying to mommy when the dad is trying to impart some wisdom. This is why talk won't work, because she'll roll her eyes say "whatever daddy" and go crying to mommy.


and i wish she wasn't so damn sweet and smart and hardworking.(except the whole job thng..lol)

You work hard in college, so you can get a job and get out on your own. That is the purpose of a college education.

I'm sorry you're so distressed about this. But you have to talk to her. You have to make her see what's really important. It takes a stronger person to get a job and pay their way than it does to live off daddy like her friends do. You shouldnt feel guilty about that. Its easier said than done I know. She is intelligent and she should be proud of that, but she should also be respectful to you. Do you think she would be willing to sit down and have a long talk?


i have tried to talk to her...god knows...thanks for your advice by the way.

i get the "i dont want to talk now" speech...maybe later,and i wait,then again..same...then i get the i am aggravated now speech,and say it is never a good time to talk about uncomfortable things.

but it needs to be said..then i get...you a bastard,loser,drunk...etc..i am going to moms...and i bite my tongue and say go...but as sure as sunrise...no one helps her there.

my sister wants her to go to her law firm in dc,my brother has a law firm in new orleans/texas..and are offering her internships...but i am a bit withdrawn about it,i am sure she can do the sunny face for prospective employers,but i know...she gets mad shitty if she dont get her way...which is good in a way...but with me,just pisses me off.

i am at the point i am going to flat cut her off....you aint my kid cut her off attitude,which sucks.
you totally disrespect me,i will treat you like i have a million other bums in the city(been there done that)and good luck,sayonara...see ya.
i have a really bad disorder...

i can turn my feelings on and off...i hate it,i cry watching spongebob...and can diss passionately watch people die like it is nothing.

i am disturbed.

i helped my ex adopt a kid,who i love like no other..cept my kids..but i can turn off my love...sucks!

i think it is a defence mechanism...

my problem..crux of the issue at hand..is i will either always be a chump or be callous,or forever in love...i have no middle ground.


sucks for me and mine.

before you judge me..i exspect the same from others.:(

Let me just tell you my story and you can make of it what you will:

In the Spring of 1980 I was a sophmore in college and I all but flunked out for various reasons (not the least of which was that my best friend scored a kilo of Hashish for "personal consumption" just as the semester began). After my final grades came in that May, my dad (who had title to my car) asked me to come into the den after dinner. Once there, he told me that he was dissapointed in me and that it "saddened" him (I'll never forget his use of the word "saddened") that he felt he needed to do what he in fact did. Long story short, title to my car was in his name and he took the keys and sold the car and used the $ to pay for the next year of college. He then cut me off from any "extra" money for the next year. In other words, all tuition, books, my dorm room, school cafeteria meals and required costs were paid for by him from the proceeds of the sale of my car. However, when I returned to school in the fall, any extra $ I had would come from my working that summer and saving up and any $ I could earn via a job while in school. By August I had a part-time job at the school and by January of the next year, after eating nothing but cafeteria food and depending on friends for transportation and having no $ to speak of (my take home from my part time job on the maintainance crew was about $40.00/week) I had learned my lesson and I got my shit together. My grades improved significantly and in my senior year my dad got me another car (a used "junker") and began sending me a $50/week allowance. I graduated, got a job with an insurance company where I worked for 4 years before I quit and went to law school where I did well and paid my own way in full (OK, I had $30k in student loans when I got out of law school, but dad provided no financial aid to speak of for law school). Most importantly, it was a matter of pride that I did it on my own for law school and the only $ I took from dad during law school was used to pay my car note ($180.00/month) I earned or borrowed the $ to pay for rent, all utilities, car insurance (and at age 27, driving a 6 cylinder Pontiac Fiero, Insurance was expensive). Also, dad only made the car note when I was "short," maybe 8 times in the 3 years I was in law school. I worked part time jobs to pay for the rest.

"Tough Love" worked on me; once I was cut off I learned about the "work ethic" and self-preservation. Do your daughter a favor and give her the same. Make her pay her own way. If mom helps her, then fine, let mom help her, but don't succumb to the temptation to be an enabler yourself. When she and/or mom get mad at you for refusing to "pony up" deal with it, but stand your ground. Respect and $ are earned benefits, not entitlements. Let your daughter learn that, the hard way if need be. When she enters the "real world" after college, she'll find out quick that her boss's ex-spouse generally won't jump in to save her from her boss's decision to fire her. Let her learn now that you won't jump in to save her from her mom either.

Sorry if this is a bit garbled in its message, but it is the best I could do at 2 am after a 1/2 pint of Smirnoff Blue Label. :)



if i was your parent i would be mad proud of you.

that was for you,because you bothered to help me...thanks.

on top of the issues..like my sister offers her ajob in dc,and my bro runs a law firm(she is studying law) down south...i almost have this gut feeling she needs to earn it..like i did..my empire of my rented apartment..lol..point is,she is drop dead beautiful,smart as as a whip,and everyone in my family loves her,whats not to love..i am the shit for not being a good dad and opening/paying for her future...trust me,i have heard it..."what kind of dad are you"she should be havng no worries if you werent a loser...if you were a good dad,she would have college paid for and driving the bmw..but you are a loser fuck and dont love your kids enough to work hard enough to make it happen...

pretty high standards i got to live up too,let alone for my kids,and mix in the dad's that did it right..i am a flat out piece of shit.

i like me,and feel i did the best i could(i made mistakes of coarse)and we are kinda friends still..i just wish i could have been a better dad,ie...had more money.

i am getting some great feedback,and for that..to all..thanks!

Money should never equate to love man. That's just shallow and vain.

Money should never equate to love man. That's just shallow and vain.
Circle gets the square.

Look man, at one point my parents where loaded and I still didn't get a BMW, I got a hand-me-down Chevy and I was lucky. (my parents went belly up a year before I graduated high school) Most the cats I hung out with afterwards never had a drivers lisence, much less cars. At 20 it's time to learn that 'Keeping up with the Jones'' is a soul crushing, vapid game to play. At some point, and I can't say where it came from, I valued people who owned a beater that they bought over someone in a high class sedan that was given to them. Seemed cooler, but I don't know how that was instilled so I don't know how to do that to your daughter.

She's lucky to have a car at all. Especially if you're eating cat food (metaphorically) to give it to her. Man, you can't beat yourself up for not being able to out silver spoon her friends.

Because 'her friends might see her' is the worst reason ever to not get a job. Seriously bad. She's going to have to get a job. Community College is LOADED with people who've been faced with the job/school ultimatum.

If point of comparison is a problem, compare yourself to the parents who can't afford that car, or to parents who wouldn't care one way or another. If it where a line you wouldn't be at the front, but you would be in a good place.

She shouldn't be comparing what she has to others and you shouldn't be doing it either. She has what she has, you've given her what you can give her, but the job isn't done until she can get her own shit.

It'd be one thing if she was really working towards something and struggling, but that's not the picture you've painted. You may be obligated to help her move forward, but not tread water.

Money should never equate to love man. That's just shallow and vain.

i agree with you...

more then you know.it is just abitch,cause other people that are successful have a point.

i could have done better.

however i will thank you for being straight with me..thanks.

do you have kids?

teenage and older....i was more worried about my boy,the younger one,and he is never failing to impress me.

but his job and hers is to impress themselves.not me...it is just icing on the cake to me.

well your a pretty stout fellow,and i appreciate your input...i will take a nap and consider the opinions i have received..and throw out a mad thanks to all.

If she isn't learning or earning (FULL TIME JOB), then boot her out. Time for her to meet the realities of the big bad world, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

i agree with you...

more then you know.it is just abitch,cause other people that are successful have a point.

i could have done better.

however i will thank you for being straight with me..thanks.

do you have kids?

teenage and older....i was more worried about my boy,the younger one,and he is never failing to impress me.

but his job and hers is to impress themselves.not me...it is just icing on the cake to me.

well your a pretty stout fellow,and i appreciate your input...i will take a nap and consider the opinions i have received..and throw out a mad thanks to all.


Nah, I don't have any kids, not even married. I just have one hell of a family. :) Two great loving, supporting parents who was always there whether I needed a hug or a kick in the ass. I have an older brother who's guide me and teach me the stuff that older brother teaches younger brother, and now I have a sister in law who teaches me the way of women.

Like I said, I'm not married, don't have kids, I just got one hell of a family. :)

Give her the Arse!