Neo Kervoskia
12-03-2006, 05:36
Asshole Manifesto...part 3
Part III.
What Would Hitler Do?
People often tell me that I'm going to burn in the fiery pits of hell for all of eternity and then some. To them I reply with one of two responses. If they are particularly religious, the kind that clings to their holy book as if it were a suitcase filled with cash, then the humble, atheistic, yet quite effective, retort of, "Well, you see, places have to be real for someone to go there. I could take acid and claim that I could fly to the world where I could taste sound, hear colour, see smell and do thumb-thick rails of cocaine, that doesn't mean it exists." If you feel that you need to practise it before you say it, then it's probably best to you don't say anything at all or just concur with the speaker. The other course of action is rather harsh, but if the speaker is annoying to the point of suicide, then this approach will end this unpleasant, and probably familiar, conversation:
"Yeah, I'm going to hell, but that's where the dead babies are, so at least I won't be hungry."
Albeit simple, it sends a clear message to the speaker that he should shut the fuck up. The comment is tasteless, there's absolutely no way to get around it, but to meet your desired it you must often be crude. However, there is a limit to how crude you should be. Walking up to a perfect stranger and telling him to devour a cancerous tumor so that he will get an incurable disease an die is unacceptable. That stranger has done nothing to you. Being an asshole does in no way warrant you to insult random people. That's not being an asshole, that's being a dumbass and dumbasses are the sworn enemy of the asshole, along with ninety-nine percent of the world's population. Actually that's a bit too high because the people in North Korea and other third-world countries so quickly that you needn't worry about them. It is essential that you get to know the people at least enough to remember their dreams of becoming a famous actor or beating cancer or some such pipe dream.
It is more effective to know the people that you will be ridiculing mercilessly. Once you knwo their values, such as helping those in need or spending time with their family, you may quickly shit all over them. If you go to a large audience filled with strangers, then it'll more than likely just offend them for the duration of your loving diatribe and on thedrive home, rather than linger in their heads for months and even years. You don't have to become friends witj the, I mean you could but then it wouldn't be funny anymore, it'd just be pointless and overly cruel. Remember, an asshole always tells the truth in the most base way possible, not lie in order to cause pain to others. Offend people one person at a time. Calling a roomful of alter boys "Mary's 'Lil Cabana Boys" could get your ass kicked. Always hold individual hatreds, never collective hatreds. Rugged individualism is, after all, the cornerstone of our society.
If you're reading this, then you're probably one of the following: a beginner, an expert who's ridiculling this manifesto, someone who was just curious, a child molestor, a grand jury, or a drunk whos' using this manifesto as shit paper. If you're the second one, then fuck off. No one is making you read this. If you're a beginner, then this next paragraph is for you.
Don't choose the most kind-hearted person you know of. That's the equivalent of trying to solve a calculus problem when you've only taken geometry. Choose someone who is spiteful, angry, and weighs less than you. They're probably already half way to becoming an asshole so it won't be difficult. Decontructing their personality to build that of an asshole is tricky, but if you know what to say then it won't be painfully difficult. Start off by commenting on the state of things, be they political, economic, social, or whatever fuck people talk about. Be cynical enough to arouse his attention, but not to anger him. For example, say that for some reason or another that he likes to spend time with is senile grandmother. He loves her and knows in his heart that she still remembers his name, even though her memory is as dead as that delicious, succulent calf that you ate last night. You should reply along these lines:
She can't remember you. You could drop a penny in front of her and before she had time to pick it up, she'd forget what she was doing.
(He retorts)
I'm not being cruel. I'm being truthful. If you want to remember her as she was, huff spray paint, then you'll experience the memories all over again- plus you'll see God.
He'll either punch you in the face (rightfully so, you insensitive bastard), cry, argue some more, or agree. If he agrees, then you must continue the conversation. The feeling could be temporary, so he'll need to absorb the assholish vibes quickly. Basically you just keep repeating this process until he's a full-fledged asshole. Congratulations, you converted someone! You're still a worthless fuckard who's just worsening the human stain, but at least you'll go down swinging.
Part III.
What Would Hitler Do?
People often tell me that I'm going to burn in the fiery pits of hell for all of eternity and then some. To them I reply with one of two responses. If they are particularly religious, the kind that clings to their holy book as if it were a suitcase filled with cash, then the humble, atheistic, yet quite effective, retort of, "Well, you see, places have to be real for someone to go there. I could take acid and claim that I could fly to the world where I could taste sound, hear colour, see smell and do thumb-thick rails of cocaine, that doesn't mean it exists." If you feel that you need to practise it before you say it, then it's probably best to you don't say anything at all or just concur with the speaker. The other course of action is rather harsh, but if the speaker is annoying to the point of suicide, then this approach will end this unpleasant, and probably familiar, conversation:
"Yeah, I'm going to hell, but that's where the dead babies are, so at least I won't be hungry."
Albeit simple, it sends a clear message to the speaker that he should shut the fuck up. The comment is tasteless, there's absolutely no way to get around it, but to meet your desired it you must often be crude. However, there is a limit to how crude you should be. Walking up to a perfect stranger and telling him to devour a cancerous tumor so that he will get an incurable disease an die is unacceptable. That stranger has done nothing to you. Being an asshole does in no way warrant you to insult random people. That's not being an asshole, that's being a dumbass and dumbasses are the sworn enemy of the asshole, along with ninety-nine percent of the world's population. Actually that's a bit too high because the people in North Korea and other third-world countries so quickly that you needn't worry about them. It is essential that you get to know the people at least enough to remember their dreams of becoming a famous actor or beating cancer or some such pipe dream.
It is more effective to know the people that you will be ridiculing mercilessly. Once you knwo their values, such as helping those in need or spending time with their family, you may quickly shit all over them. If you go to a large audience filled with strangers, then it'll more than likely just offend them for the duration of your loving diatribe and on thedrive home, rather than linger in their heads for months and even years. You don't have to become friends witj the, I mean you could but then it wouldn't be funny anymore, it'd just be pointless and overly cruel. Remember, an asshole always tells the truth in the most base way possible, not lie in order to cause pain to others. Offend people one person at a time. Calling a roomful of alter boys "Mary's 'Lil Cabana Boys" could get your ass kicked. Always hold individual hatreds, never collective hatreds. Rugged individualism is, after all, the cornerstone of our society.
If you're reading this, then you're probably one of the following: a beginner, an expert who's ridiculling this manifesto, someone who was just curious, a child molestor, a grand jury, or a drunk whos' using this manifesto as shit paper. If you're the second one, then fuck off. No one is making you read this. If you're a beginner, then this next paragraph is for you.
Don't choose the most kind-hearted person you know of. That's the equivalent of trying to solve a calculus problem when you've only taken geometry. Choose someone who is spiteful, angry, and weighs less than you. They're probably already half way to becoming an asshole so it won't be difficult. Decontructing their personality to build that of an asshole is tricky, but if you know what to say then it won't be painfully difficult. Start off by commenting on the state of things, be they political, economic, social, or whatever fuck people talk about. Be cynical enough to arouse his attention, but not to anger him. For example, say that for some reason or another that he likes to spend time with is senile grandmother. He loves her and knows in his heart that she still remembers his name, even though her memory is as dead as that delicious, succulent calf that you ate last night. You should reply along these lines:
She can't remember you. You could drop a penny in front of her and before she had time to pick it up, she'd forget what she was doing.
(He retorts)
I'm not being cruel. I'm being truthful. If you want to remember her as she was, huff spray paint, then you'll experience the memories all over again- plus you'll see God.
He'll either punch you in the face (rightfully so, you insensitive bastard), cry, argue some more, or agree. If he agrees, then you must continue the conversation. The feeling could be temporary, so he'll need to absorb the assholish vibes quickly. Basically you just keep repeating this process until he's a full-fledged asshole. Congratulations, you converted someone! You're still a worthless fuckard who's just worsening the human stain, but at least you'll go down swinging.