NationStates Jolt Archive

Who wins in a fight?


If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Seriously.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice, then kill the two dictators with his bare hands.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack ****ing Bauer.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer is the only man thus far to make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.

You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.

Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd have been off the Island with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.

Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.

The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Edit/Delete Message

Jack Bauer has lived the American dream of killing his boss. (see Ryan Chappelle.)

This wouldn't be fair. Although, I have to admit, Jack Bauer is a fictional character, while Chuck norris is a very real Karate master...

Chuck would say "put down your gun and fight like a man."

Then Jack would put down his gun. And, while chuck was taking off his shirt in order to warm up, Jack would pull out his other gun and shoot him...

Chuck Norris DESTROYS Bauer. Jack is nothing but a big, fat, stupid, lothargic, reckless, and pathetic arse.

Jack Bauer would pull out a hacksaw on Chuck Norris. "I NEED A HACKSAW!!!"

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Seriously.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd have been off the Island with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
LOL!:D Although, as for the first one - are you telling me someone was actually bored enough to count them?

LOL!:D Although, as for the first one - are you telling me someone was actually bored enough to count them?
There is a website called Jack Bauer bodycount. They not only counted them, but have pictures of each one and they tell you what weapon Bauer used. My favorite one has to be Chappelle's just because it was so shocking and sad.

There is a website called Jack Bauer bodycount. They not only counted them, but have pictures of each one and they tell you what weapon Bauer used. My favorite one has to be Chappelle's just because it was so shocking and sad.
OMFG :p.

Word on Chappelle, though.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

There is a website called Jack Bauer bodycount. They not only counted them, but have pictures of each one and they tell you what weapon Bauer used. My favorite one has to be Chappelle's just because it was so shocking and sad.

Link? :D

This wouldn't be fair. Although, I have to admit, Jack Bauer is a fictional character, while Chuck norris is a very real Karate master...

Chuck would say "put down your gun and fight like a man."

Then Jack would put down his gun. And, while chuck was taking off his shirt in order to warm up, Jack would pull out his other gun and shoot him...
But the bullet would just bounce of Chuck his beard, then Chuck would stare that Jack to death/oblivion/the moon/something, that ust depends on the mood Chuck is in. Or he might do a roundhouse kick,only Chuck knows.

Bauer would win eventually. That man just will not stay dead. He'd probably get a right kicking in the process though.

Jack Bauer is as close to a God as you will get. He could kill chuck Norris in five seconds and laugh at Chucks pathetic attempt to harm him. You can't kill Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is as close to a God as you will get. He could kill chuck Norris in five seconds and laugh at Chucks pathetic attempt to harm him. You can't kill Jack Bauer.
No, you can't kill him, but you can seriously wound him as long as you've been referenced in at least one episode already. Ya know, dramatic tension and all that.

Chuck Norris, cos Jack Bauer is a pussy. It takes him a whole day to beat the terrorists. If the terrorists messed with Chuck Norris His Mighty Chuckness would roundhouse kick one and all their heads would implode, forming many many terroist black holes, all of which Chuck Norris would eat.

Cloud Strife beats both with one slash of his humongous buster sword.

Hey, this is fantasy, right? Who says he's not allowed in? :p

Cloud Strife beats both with one slash of his humongous buster sword.

Hey, this is fantasy, right? Who says he's not allowed in? :p

I think its reserved for male charecters.

Cloud Strife beats both with one slash of his humongous buster sword.

Hey, this is fantasy, right? Who says he's not allowed in? :p

:rolleyes:
Chuck Norris survived/started the big bang. A sword, regardless of how humongous is unlikely to do anything but make Him angry.

Cloud's buster sword was forged from the clippings of Chuck Norris' beard in the heat of Mount Doom, the only place able to melt Chuck Norris' hair.

I think its reserved for male charecters.

Now that was uncalled for.

Cloud Strife beats both with one slash of his humongous buster sword.

Hey, this is fantasy, right? Who says he's not allowed in? :p

*Sephiroth kills Cloud and leaves the thread*

Chuck Norris vs Jack who?

Chuck Norris sank the Lousitania and the Titanic in a single kick, that's right. The only thing Jack Bauer can be proud of his having a show on Fox that's survived for more than two seasons.

Chuck Norris would win because he is Chuck Norris. The three gospels according to Chuck determine the fate of Jack Bauer, his prophet. For Jack to beat Chuck he would have to be Chuck and that is impossible because Chuck is the only Chuck.

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=453944

Explains why Chuck Norris is a God and Jack Bauer isn't.

I think its reserved for male charecters.
LOL! :D

Anyway, I chose Jack. The problem is that he's much more recent than Chuck, so not many people have recognized the credit he deserves. Norris has been there for a long time, and it'll be hard to remove him from the social consciousness as an ass-kicking hero. But anyway, Chuck's old (he turned 66 TODAY) and his series stopped being popular long ago.

Chuck Norris is dead. Long live Jack Bauer! :D

Chuck Norris is 66 in human years. He is really as old as the universe as he is God himself. Norris is undefeatable.

*Sephiroth kills Cloud and leaves the thread*

No way, man. Have you seen the shots from Before Crisis and Advent Children, not to mention the final fight between him and Cloud on Final Fantasy VII?

Cloud kicks the shit out of Sephiroth. Sephy may be 6'1", but even at 5'7", Cloud is superior. Fact.

No way, man. Have you seen the shots from Before Crisis and Advent Children, not to mention the final fight between him and Cloud on Final Fantasy VII?

Cloud kicks the shit out of Sephiroth. Sephy may be 6'1", but even at 5'7", Cloud is superior. Fact.

Sephiroth wins on sheer coolness. ESPECIALLY in Advent Children. Cloud reminds me way too much of an emo. That and Cloud is short as hell.

No time for stray fandom battle, as much as a devout FF7 fan I may be, I must defend Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris to Jack Bauer

:upyours:

Then Chuck Norris to Jack Bauer

:mp5: :gundge: :sniper:

Jack Bauer realizing he screwed up by challenging Norris

:headbang:

Norris and Bauer's women

:fluffle:

Chuck Norris is 66 in human years. He is really as old as the universe as he is God himself. Norris is undefeatable.
So you mean Chuck's Jesus? :eek:

By challenging Chuck Norris you may have very well opened Pandora's Box. Ironically enough it was made by Chuck Norris.

Sephiroth wins on sheer coolness. ESPECIALLY in Advent Children. Cloud reminds me way too much of an emo. That and Cloud is short as hell.

No time for stray fandom battle, as much as a devout FF7 fan I may be, I must defend Chuck Norris!

1: Cloud, an emo? Dude, that's just harsh. Harsh, man, harsh.

1A: Sephiroth is cool, yeah, but Zack (a.k.a. Mr. Dodgebullets) beats both Cloud and him in that respect.

2: Chuck Norris > Jack Bauer, even though Jack's a badass.

So you mean God's Jesus? :eek:

Chuck Norris is God in every form, definition, and name. Chuck Norris is who is.

1: Cloud, an emo? Dude, that's just harsh. Harsh, man, harsh.

1A: Sephiroth is cool, yeah, but Zack (a.k.a. Mr. Dodgebullets) beats both Cloud and him in that respect.

2: Chuck Norris > Jack Bauer, even though Jack's a badass.

He had Tifa the whole time but was too obsessed with Arieth. Crybaby. Vincent wins the cool war hands down. Just like Chuck Norris beats Jack Bauer, hands down.

http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/god-jesus.jpg

He had Tifa the whole time but was too obsessed with Arieth. Crybaby. Vincent wins the cool war hands down. Just like Chuck Norris beats Jack Bauer, hands down.

1: Pfff, who wouldn't be obsessed with somebody like Aerith? :p

2: Vincent kicks ass. Fact.

3: Damn right.

Who wins in a fight?

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Seriously.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack ****ing Bauer.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.

Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/positive10.jpg
*official PM thumb's up* :p :p

Jack Bauer realizing he screwed up by challenging Norris

:headbang:

Jakc wouldn't live long enough to realise his mistake. One Chuck Norris Second(i.e. a regular second divided by 0) after challenging Chuck Norris Jack Bauer would cease to exist.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/positive10.jpg
*official PM thumb's up* :p :p

EBaumsworld? Dude, have you no shame?

http://img133.imageshack.us/img133/2205/chuckjack7ik.jpg

Oooooookaaaaaaaay...

Jakc wouldn't live long enough to realise his mistake. One Chuck Norris Second(i.e. a regular second divided by 0) after challenging Chuck Norris Jack Bauer would cease to exist.

This is possible because Chuck Norris is the only person who can divide by 0.

who? Jack Bauer? never heard of him...

who? Jack Bauer? never heard of him...
When you watch an episode of 24, you will know who Bauer is.

"I shot her above the kneecap, she can still walk"
LOL at that line last week

“Daddy, I don’t want to go to school!” Kim at 7 years old.

“That’s it young lady,” responds Jack Bauer roughly, making an impromptu electrical torture devise from the plugged in wires of a lamp. “When I’m through with you, you’re going to love school and the dentist!”

Chuckie rules ( the even named the evil doll after him)

Chuck pwns Jack hands down - come on, he's got way more experience.

That being said, I was thinking that perhaps, jsut perhaps, in order to spare our feeble human minds the awesomeness of his immortality, Chuck periodically manifests himself in different forms, allowing his other forms to 'die' (of course they don't really die, they just... well, who can fathom Chuck eh?) which would mean that Jack, being the badass he is, is simply Chuck's new form. The originla Chuck is still here in order to train Jack up. This would also explain the awesomeness of Mr. T and Vin Diesel.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.



Bauer is gay and he still isn't Chuck Norris. he's Norris' shoe shine boy. he licks the shoes clean, then applies the polish with his nose and shines it up with his pathetic excuse for genitals. he gets paid one roundhouse kick to the face for every shoe he shines, and he's grateful.

Jack Bauer is as close to a God as you will get. ....


He's only close to God when he's shining his (Chuckthulu's) shoes. otherwise he's whimpering in his kennel thinking of new ways to beg Chuck Norris to pleasure him. Chuck just stares and says "No". Bauer's woman, on the other hand, gets pleasured regularly by Chuck and comes back for more.

recently, Bauer's accepted that Chuck isn't interested in him so he just begs Norris, "do my woman again, please!" he gets pleasure just thinking about somebody he used to know being with the Great Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris, cos Jack Bauer is a pussy. It takes him a whole day to beat the terrorists. If the terrorists messed with Chuck Norris His Mighty Chuckness would roundhouse kick one and all their heads would implode, forming many many terroist black holes, all of which Chuck Norris would eat.


people misunderstand terrorists. they aren't really trying to hurt anyone anymore. they're so shit-scared of His Mighty Roundhousingness they're just trying to blow a hole deep enough for them to hid from him. it never works though. the Eyes of the Ranger always find them, and he kicks them into non-existence.

Chuck Norris to Jack Bauer

:upyours:

Then Chuck Norris to Jack Bauer

:mp5: :gundge: :sniper:

Jack Bauer realizing he screwed up by challenging Norris

:headbang:

Norris and Bauer's women

:fluffle:


that is the best use of smilies ever. ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY NORRIS!

He's only close to God when he's shining his (Chuckthulu's) shoes. otherwise he's whimpering in his kennel thinking of new ways to beg Chuck Norris to pleasure him. Chuck just stares and says "No". Bauer's woman, on the other hand, gets pleasured regularly by Chuck and comes back for more.

recently, Bauer's accepted that Chuck isn't interested in him so he just begs Norris, "do my woman again, please!" he gets pleasure just thinking about somebody he used to know being with the Great Chuck Norris.

Who wouldn't get pleasure from thinking about sombody you knew getting it from Chuckthulu?

...
2: Chuck Norris > Jack Bauer, even though Jack's a badass.

Jack's only a "badass" because he still doesn't know how to wipe. and that's because Bauer counts on the frequent roundhouse kicks he receives as payment for the menial tasks he does for Chuck-thulu. the kicks cause the filth to crumble and fall off.

this is the derivation of the expression "clean his clock". "clock" is a corruption of "cack", and the expression means to hit somebody so hard you knock the crap not only out of them but off them.

so now ya know.

When you watch an episode of 24, you will know who Bauer is.

"I shot her above the kneecap, she can still walk"
LOL at that line last week


or you can watch paint dry and be bored half to death without having to see Pussy Bauer as well.

hell, the guy even sucks at anatomy.

that is the best use of smilies ever. ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY NORRIS!

Quite true.

Every time Jack Bauer shouts "No!", a terrorist dies.

Jack Bauer does not need pants. Pants need Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

Every time Jack Bauer shouts "No!", a terrorist dies.

no one can imagine him refusing anybody, so if he says no, the shock is bound to kill somebody.

Jack Bauer does not need pants. Pants need Jack Bauer.

he doesn't need pants because he hasn't got anything to cover. they need him whenever they need to "look busy".

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

other people care about their body odor. he doesn't know any better.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

that gives you an idea just how stupid he really is.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

then the drugs wore off and he remembered he's just a grade A wimp.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".

yep. he's learned how to say that in 18 different languages. in Arabic it's how prostitutes advertise themselves on the street. now he's working on the phrase, "I'm anybody's".

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

no. it's just a measure of Bauer's level of self-delusion.

Every time Jack Bauer shouts "No!", a terrorist dies.
Every time Chuck wakes up he has some terrorists for breakfast.

Jack Bauer does not need pants. Pants need Jack Bauer.
That's only because pants can't walk themselves.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.There's no life on Mars because Chuck didn't want to have life on Mars, he wanted Mars to be a lifeless red planet, to remind him of blood.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.Chuck would just stare at the bomb, which would then be too afraid to explode.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.Too bad Jack read the list upside down.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".Not true, one day Chuck Norris kicked Jack's ass in Iraq and when the local people saw it, they said 'Jack Bauer is fucked' which has shorted to just 'Jack Bauer'

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.Just because he's genderless.

Every time Chuck wakes up he has some terrorists for breakfast.

That's only because pants can't walk themselves.

There's no life on Mars because Chuck didn't want to have life on Mars, he wanted Mars to be a lifeless red planet, to remind him of blood.

Chuck would just stare at the bomb, which would then be too afraid to explode.

Too bad Jack read the list upside down.

Not true, one day Chuck Norris kicked Jack's ass in Iraq and when the local people saw it, they said 'Jack Bauer is fucked' which has shorted to just 'Jack Bauer'

Just because he's genderless.




You win this thread

You win this thread

Jack Bauer Kung Fu (i.e. his goings-ons) was learned from Chuck therefore it cannot be as good.