NationStates Jolt Archive

Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?

By Marian Byers
February 28, 2006 | Issue 42•09
Marian Byers image

People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"

A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.

My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.

Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.

A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.

Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair. Before they cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep, they'll know—without being scolded—that they had better watch it, as a Final Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.


>> REST OF STORY HERE (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45814)



If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.

LOL I really hope I dont start a big uber christian flaming war, but this is f'n hysterical. My wtf story of the morning....

we have to save our cats before they go to hell!

we have to save our cats before they go to hell!


so cats can go and the rest of the animals are fucked?

Umm, I'm a devoult Catholic, but even I find this to be over the top.

Hmmm... remote controled Pentagon sharks or the Cat Inquisition?

No one expects the Cat Inquisition.

Hmmm... remote controled Pentagon sharks or the Cat Inquisition?

No one expects the Cat Inquisition.


as long as the cats don't use the comfy chair.

It's from the onion, it's a joke. Funny, though. :)

Poor cats... Last year they led a carefree life, now they die of bird flu and face eternal damnation.

It's from the onion, it's a joke. Funny, though. :)


I didn't know that the onion was a joke news place, but now ill visit more often, this is some ridiculous shit.

My cats are not worthy of Christ... only the dog, he can have Christ... he's a good boy

My cats are not worthy of Christ... only the dog, he can have Christ... he's a good boy


cats can be little bastards cant they? Mine is.

cats can be little bastards cant they? Mine is.

Yeah, and for some reason especially so in the morning what with the biting of toes and such, but they're still young...

Cat's are satan's spawn. There's no way they could get into heaven :)

Yeah, and for some reason especially so in the morning what with the biting of toes and such, but they're still young...

I used to wake up to my cat sleeping on my face or neck when he was little, but that was 15 years ago, hes all old and fat now :)

In Nomine Patri et Feline et Spiritus Sancti.

I used to wake up to my cat sleeping on my face or neck when he was little, but that was 15 years ago, hes all old and fat now :)

Nice, thankfully mine seem to be afraid of pillows... not sure why, seems rather irrational to me, but I got them about the same time as the pup- hoping they'd grow to get used to each other and that he wouldn't chase them around... he stopped, but only cause they'd gang up on him... now he reacts to them as they do to the pillows... oh well...

In Nomine Patri et Feline et Spiritus Sancti.

Now all we need is a movie "Boondock Cats"

Nice, thankfully mine seem to be afraid of pillows... not sure why, seems rather irrational to me, but I got them about the same time as the pup- hoping they'd grow to get used to each other and that he wouldn't chase them around... he stopped, but only cause they'd gang up on him... now he reacts to them as they do to the pillows... oh well...


I know all about cats and strange fears. Casey for instance is afraid of feather dusters.

Now all we need is a movie "Boondock Cats"

Murphy: That's stupid. Name one fucking thing you're gonna need a ball of string for.
Connor: It's not what they need it for, they just always need it.
Murphy: What's this "they" shit? This isn't a movie.

Isn't there something in the bible about not having souls and therefore not getting into heaven by default... That woman just wasted 10 minutes of her live and by the sounds of it rather a lot of cash on Jesus merchandise.

I think the only animals that are allowed into heaven are horses as they will provide the means of transportation. No SUVs in heaven.

Me, I'd rather go to hell. At least I'd have a bit of space to myself. According to uh... the last book in the bible that begins with 'R' there's a limited amount of space in Heaven. When I was a kid I did a few calculations. I think everyone had about 6 sq metres each. Pretty crampt.

I know all about cats and strange fears. Casey for instance is afraid of feather dusters.

HAHA- feather dusters? I think mine would attack them... Casey eh? Thats a cool name, I've named (what i think is the dumb one- relatively) Moe, the other doesn't have one yet... still waiting for him to do something that earns a name... (only had them for about a month so far)

If there are cats brought into a Catholic family, would that make neutering them a sin because it's a form of birth control?

HAHA- feather dusters? I think mine would attack them... Casey eh? Thats a cool name, I've named (what i think is the dumb one- relatively) Moe, the other doesn't have one yet... still waiting for him to do something that earns a name... (only had them for about a month so far)


I named him casey after casey jones from the ninja turtles (don't laugh you bastards I was 7 when I got him :p :) ).

Moe...awesome name for a dumb cat. My friend had a dumb cat named simply stupid cat. He really lived up to that name.

linky (www.jesuspets.com) :p

linky (www.jesuspets.com) :p


Make hard CA$H from home while the world is in flames!


Are you an animal lover; and also an atheist, agnostic, jew, muslim, or other non-Christian? If so, you might qualify for the JesusPets Partner Program!
JesusPets will pay YOU to take care of dogs, cats, and other pets. To qualify, you must agree with this statement:

The JesusPets Partner Program Statement

* I love animals, and am willing to care for pets after the Christian Rapture.
* I am not, and never have been a born-again Christian.
* I believe it is immoral to have sex with animals, and have no desire to do so.
* I believe it is immoral to consume common domesticated pets (note: this includes goldfish!), and have no desire to do so.


:D

Alright! I'll have a job.

All cats are going to hell anyway. All of mine are immoral little monsters. Self centered and arrogant. Commit all the ly sins daily. Especially the non-neutered ones. But I'm going with them. Sounds like they have a lot of fun.

I gave my two all black cats a rubber jesus ....



They buried it in the litter box.



Good kitties.

so cats can go and the rest of the animals are fucked?
Cats (and felines more generally) are superior life forms. They only want us to think they are animals. Jesus was one in disguise.

Isn't there something in the bible about not having souls and therefore not getting into heaven by default... That woman just wasted 10 minutes of her live and by the sounds of it rather a lot of cash on Jesus merchandise.

I think the only animals that are allowed into heaven are horses as they will provide the means of transportation. No SUVs in heaven.

Me, I'd rather go to hell. At least I'd have a bit of space to myself. According to uh... the last book in the bible that begins with 'R' there's a limited amount of space in Heaven. When I was a kid I did a few calculations. I think everyone had about 6 sq metres each. Pretty crampt.

If I remember correctly the opposite is true, there is so much space in Heaven that even if you assume that God and the angelic stuff take up two thirds of the space there would be so much space for each person that your chances of actually meeting anyone else are minute. Maybe Sartre was right when he said 'Hell is other people'.:)

mines 18, its arthritic and does nothing all day apart from shout at you to open doors, but you just wait till nightfall, then it meows, and runs about and is sick and jumps on beds etc. its too indiviual and unique to put all its points.

maybe jesus can cure it of its ailments and do an exorcism at the same time?

What would jesus cat do?

LOONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People like that scare me!:eek:

mines 18, its arthritic and does nothing all day apart from shout at you to open doors, but you just wait till nightfall, then it meows, and runs about and is sick and jumps on beds etc. its too indiviual and unique to put all its points.

maybe jesus can cure it of its ailments and do an exorcism at the same time?

What would jesus cat do?
Mine brings snakes and birds back as proof of its hunting prowess :x Apparently, it thinks it will get fed if it brings back enough sacrifices.

I named him casey after casey jones from the ninja turtles (don't laugh you bastards I was 7 when I got him :p :) ).

Moe...awesome name for a dumb cat. My friend had a dumb cat named simply stupid cat. He really lived up to that name.

I don't know why I'd laugh- Casey Jones was a beast... perhaps thats what the other's name should be... Jones... hm- then I could say he was named after Indiana Jones AND a tmnt character... sweeeeet...

Yet another reason why I appreciate the Onion...

I don't know why I'd laugh- Casey Jones was a beast... perhaps thats what the other's name should be... Jones... hm- then I could say he was named after Indiana Jones AND a tmnt character... sweeeeet...


"we named the dog indiana.....named after the dog?"

good idea with the name though.

My cats are not worthy of Christ... only the dog, he can have Christ... he's a good boy

Three of my four are worthy of Heaven. Persephone, however, is the queen of Hell

Please tell me that this is a joke.

As for this bit:
I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.
Why stop there? Why not put his face on the botom of their litter tray? That way, when they scratch about before they poop, the face of He who provided the sweet smelling kitty litter for them is revealed to them.
And then they take a dump.



And anyway, I thought animals don't have souls.

Oh the Onion. My favorite was the article "Bush finds out that voice of God was really Cheney on the telephone."

I know for a fact that my all black, long furred, golden-eyed cat is not only from hell, but he'll be going right back when he finally dies...which might take awhile. I think owning him is some kind of karma. I wanted a dog my entire life, and I get this crazed animal that sheds hair all over my clothes and food, sits in my place on the couch, and attacks my ankles from under chairs when I go on kitchen raids in the middle of the night.

You don't actually think that this woman is serious?! I took it as a huge parody...

My dog is the perfect christian.

Not too bright, and very obedient, and doesnt ask many questions.

I have two good Jewish cats. They keep kosher and everything. :)

You don't actually think that this woman is serious?! I took it as a huge parody...


take it as you may, real or not i'm laughing all the way.


hey that rhymed!

My cats are not worthy of Christ... only the dog, he can have Christ... he's a good boy
Just because I said dogs reak to high heaven doesn't mean they deserve to be in heaven...
J/K! :D I couldn't imagine being in heaven without my animals. But if they aren't there...oh well... I'm in heaven and that's all that really matters...