NationStates Jolt Archive

Tell the world your favorite joke.

Two canniblles are eating a clown
One cannibble turns to the other and says
"Does this taste funny"


Two Clowns are eating a canniblle
One clown turns to the other and says
"There is nothing funny about this"

My two favourites at the moment are
"What do Teheran and Hiroshima have in common?" - "Nothing, yet."
and
"What is purple and makes every woman cry?" - (Might be disgusting to some) "A dead-born fetus"

How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? Look Below
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? Look Above

You: Knock Knock

Other Person:Whos Their

You: Shut the fuck up

hahahahaha, that joke is so funny. so is this one

you: Why do women wear make up and douche

other person: why

you: Because they are ugly and they stink!!!

This jokes are so stupid they are funny.

My two favourites at the moment are
"What do Teheran and Hiroshima have in common?" - "Nothing, yet."
and
"What is purple and makes every woman cry?" - (Might be disgusting to some) "A dead-born fetus"
The better answer for this is "SIDS Sudden infintile death syndrome"

The better answer for this is "SIDS Sudden infintile death syndrome"

Thanks, my English is not as good as it used to be.

wot do evil canival and michael jackson have in common?
They all have skid marks on their helmets!

Best joke of all time (as voted by the Danish people)

Why do ducks have web feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

BAWHAHAHA!

How do u make a cat go "woof"?
Douse it in petrol and throw a lit match at it

A fish swam into a wall.

Dam(n).





*Watches the tumbleweed*

A priest, a rabbi, and a Polish guy walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

What's the difference between an acrobatics show and a whorehouse?

One has an array of cunning stunts

Two condoms walk past a gay bar.
One condom says to the other, "lets go in here and get shit-faced"

A baby seal walks into a club....

I'd tell my dead baby joke, but last time I did it was removed by a mod.

why did the orange stop at the mountain?
Cause it ran out of juice....
Tee hee hee...sorry that was my favorite joke from my childhood, I just had to post it.

Okay so seriously

Why was Raggedy Ann removed form the toy box?
*this is an adult joke*
She kept sitting on pinnochio's face screaming " Lie to me, Lie to me!!"

So these two guys walk into a bar, right?

The third one ducks.
*bows*

A baby seal walks into a club....

Damn! Beat to my favorite joke. :(

God On Canada

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass near the top of the earth and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "that's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-lines. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely "Wait until you see the loud-mouths I'm putting next to them."
______________

Jokes. You know I love you guys. Sort of.

• When the cattle had been loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale, each car was appointed an attendant to feed and water the cattle during the journey. This is the story of such a cowboy:

Following the unloading of the cattle in Chicago, the cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order. "I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."

Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a ****, there must be a whore in the house."
• The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
• An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"

• A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
• Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
• A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
• Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

• There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

• Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

"What catch?" he asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?" asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."


• In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers!


• On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


• A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."



sry but i just cant tell one;)

[QUOTE=The Divided God]Tell the world your favorite joke.QUOTE]


This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.! So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.!

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh .. they're getting closer."

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: (Insert gargling and choking sounds here):D

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there
is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Ned....Your neighbor from 40 miles away.... Having a party Friday....Thought you might like to come. About 5..."

"Great" says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Ned is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem....after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Ned turns from the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Ned stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

So these two guys walk into a bar, right?

The third one ducks.
*bows*

Since Straughn posted my favorite, I'll go with my number 2.

What is white, gooy, and falls from the sky?
The coming of the lord. :D

Then there is the always popular...

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't. You get down off a duck.

One more...

How do you get a red neck girl pregnant?
You *** on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

.

Q) Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A) Because it was dead.

Since Straughn posted my favorite, I'll go with my number 2.

How do you get a red neck girl pregnant?
You *** on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

.I'm in the same post as that?!!?!?!
Hahahaha! :eek:
I was gonna say "good taste indeed!", but now i'm ... uhm ... gonna ...

How do you get a clarinet player out of a tree?
Cut the Noose.

I'm in the same post as that?!!?!?!
Hahahaha! :eek:
I was gonna say "good taste indeed!", but now i'm ... uhm ... gonna ...


Hehehe.

The OP didn't say anything about tasteful jokes. :p I enjoy both the subtle and the outrageously tacky when it comes to humor.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.

:D

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. President Bush is in the road and he's very upset. He says things arent going well in Iraq and his ratings have plumeted. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.

:D
Now THAT one was tasteful! :D

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. President Bush is in the road and he's very upset. He says things arent going well in Iraq and his ratings have plumeted. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"
Hahahahahahaha!!!!
*FLORT*

I SWEAR you're psychic or something. As i read this i was torching gang members on Grand Theft Auto:San Andreas.
Seriously. I was enjoying the fact that the handheld garners less stars than the molotov cocktail does. And i finished with that joke!
Ya made my day!!!!!

Hahahahahahaha!!!!
*FLORT*

I SWEAR you're psychic or something. As i read this i was torching gang members on Grand Theft Auto:San Andreas.
Seriously. I was enjoying the fact that the handheld garners less stars than the molotov cocktail does. And i finished with that joke!
Ya made my day!!!!!

:D I am psychic...I know allll about the Ice fishing;)

Ok one more before bed...

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

:D I am psychic...I know allll about the Ice fishing;)

Ok one more before bed...

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."That one's on here!!!
Nightie-night, anyway!

That one's on here!!!
Nightie-night, anyway!

ah damn..i hate being a repeater.

ah damn..i hate being a repeater.
There's usually not much risk of that. *nods*

This a quote from a guy i don't know that ain't in NS...

"When I graduate, my friends and I are going to hunt down a cannibal, eat him, and when people ask us, we'll say he tasted like irony."

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 people left in the plane, a boy scout, Paul McCartney, George W. Bush, The Pope, and Paul Martin. The problem is, there were only four parachutes left.

Paul McCartney said: "I don't want to die, because I have many more concerts to perform." So he took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

Paul Martin said: "I am the Prime Minister of Canada, and I have a very important position." So he took a chute and out he went.

George W. Bush said: "I am the smartest man in the world, so I feel I should be allowed to live." So he was gone too.

That left the Pope and the boy scout.

The Pope said: "I am old and frail, and I don't have much time left, so as a Christian gesture, I will sacrifice my life, so you can live."

The boy scout said: "Don't worry Father, there is a parachute left for you too. The world's smartest man took my backpack."

Q: Why did God give women breasts?
A: So men would talk to them

Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: So they didn't leave a snail trail everywhere they went