Syniks
24-02-2006, 23:39
All the satire that fits, we print... http://iowahawk.typepad.com/
News Niblets
BUSH INKS IRISH FIRM TO GUARD NATIONAL WHISKEY RESERVE
Washington DC - The Bush Administration today angrily defended its controversial approval of the Irish company Donnybrook Lads Ltd. to oversee security at the National Strategic Whiskey Reserve in Lynchburg, TN, vowing to veto a new House bill that would force the two-man firm to undergo federal breathalizer testing.
"During the rigorous 7 minute review process, both Seamus and Kevin gave us an express oral promise that they never touch the stuff," said White House Spokesman Scott McClelland. "Well, maybe just a wee nip at wakes, and on All Saints Day."
"Congressional postering on this issue plays into the worst anti-Irish stereotypes," added McClelland, who said that the security contract included a failsafe Designated Driver clause to keep the Irish firm away from sensitive whiskey truck keys.
"We can reassure the American people that all Strategic Whiskey Reserve transportation and driving duties will be handled by highly-skilled elderly Koreans," said McClelland.
MINNESOTA DEMS SEEK BAN ON 'UN-AMERICAN' VET ADS
St. Paul, MN - Minnesota's Democratic Party today called for a ban on a series of television ads featuring Iraq War veterans urging support for U.S. war efforts, calling the spots "un-American."
"The First Amendment protects our cherished American right to dissent with America," said Minnesota DFL Chairman Brian Melendez. "By airing these subversive, un-American pro-American messages of assent, these Army guys are creating a virtual Guantamo where we will lose our patriotic American right to unopposed opposition to American policies, such as our cherished right to oppose the un-patriotic First Amendment."
Melendez warned that if the ads are not immediately banned, "it may lead down a slippery slope where un-American newspapers will feel free to print blasphemous cartoons of the prophet Mohammed."
News Niblets
BUSH INKS IRISH FIRM TO GUARD NATIONAL WHISKEY RESERVE
Washington DC - The Bush Administration today angrily defended its controversial approval of the Irish company Donnybrook Lads Ltd. to oversee security at the National Strategic Whiskey Reserve in Lynchburg, TN, vowing to veto a new House bill that would force the two-man firm to undergo federal breathalizer testing.
"During the rigorous 7 minute review process, both Seamus and Kevin gave us an express oral promise that they never touch the stuff," said White House Spokesman Scott McClelland. "Well, maybe just a wee nip at wakes, and on All Saints Day."
"Congressional postering on this issue plays into the worst anti-Irish stereotypes," added McClelland, who said that the security contract included a failsafe Designated Driver clause to keep the Irish firm away from sensitive whiskey truck keys.
"We can reassure the American people that all Strategic Whiskey Reserve transportation and driving duties will be handled by highly-skilled elderly Koreans," said McClelland.
MINNESOTA DEMS SEEK BAN ON 'UN-AMERICAN' VET ADS
St. Paul, MN - Minnesota's Democratic Party today called for a ban on a series of television ads featuring Iraq War veterans urging support for U.S. war efforts, calling the spots "un-American."
"The First Amendment protects our cherished American right to dissent with America," said Minnesota DFL Chairman Brian Melendez. "By airing these subversive, un-American pro-American messages of assent, these Army guys are creating a virtual Guantamo where we will lose our patriotic American right to unopposed opposition to American policies, such as our cherished right to oppose the un-patriotic First Amendment."
Melendez warned that if the ads are not immediately banned, "it may lead down a slippery slope where un-American newspapers will feel free to print blasphemous cartoons of the prophet Mohammed."