NationStates Jolt Archive

Something my friends and I were discussing earlier. Ye see, we can't stand those 80s, early 90s action chumps, so we're going to have a little "battle to the death".

Here's the hypothetical situation, you take Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, Jean Claude Van Damme, McGyver and Vin Diesel (Wrong time preiod, but he still belongs here), you put them in a room with every implement of death known to man, and you let them fight to the death. Who come out on top, and who is left as a mass of jelly?

Begin.

Something my friends and I were discussing earlier. Ye see, we can't stand those 80s, early 90s action chumps, so we're going to have a little "battle to the death".

Here's the hypothetical situation, you take Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, Jean Claude Van Damme, McGyver and Vin Diesel (Wrong time preiod, but he still belongs here), you put them in a room with every implement of death known to man, and you let them fight to the death. Who come out on top, and who is left as a mass of jelly?

Begin.


Um...McGuyver would get his ass kicked with that crowd. Making grenades out of paperclips and bubble gum wont help him in this instance.

Chuck Norris, no question - while the others (with the possible exception of Seagal) are grabbing weapons he'll be roundhouse kicking their kidneys up through their noses. As for Seagal... well, he'd just get pwned.

McGyver has at least still a little brains, compared to the other retards :rolleyes:

You have to go with Vin, the others are simply getting too old... however if we had specified that they would fight in their prime, I would take Van Damme...

McGyver has at least still a little brains, compared to the other retards :rolleyes:

Yeah but its not a battle of wits.

Um...McGuyver would get his ass kicked with that crowd. Making grenades out of paperclips and bubble gum wont help him in this instance.

I disagree, that is PRECISELY why I think he would win.

There are already grenades and guns in the room, the OP said that. So McGyver get's a 14 second delay if he has to invent a lazor cannon. Besides, Chuck Norris wins in every single fight he's in, and in those he's not in too, so there's no real question.

"In an average room there are 1,465 objects Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room it self", it's obvious then.

You have to go with Vin, the others are simply getting too old... however if we had specified that they would fight in their prime, I would take Van Damme...
Why? Chuck Zito Beat the crap out of Van Damme and Chuck's just a biker with alleged mafia connections. But then Van Damme's just an actor. His martial arts are all show. Not realistic stuff.

Chich Norris, after a high-pitched battle w/Macgyver, some matches, and a piece of string

Seagal would put all of them but Norris out within about ten seconds -- Seagal is an Aikido master.

Seagal/Norris might take a bit longer, but the first punch Norris decided to throw would end up with him face-up on the ground, probably in an excruciating arm bar by way of leg lock.

Seagal would "pwn" them all.

little jujitsu lesson:

Norris throws a punch at seagal

Seagal grabs the wrist of the punching arm, puts his (Seagal's) other arm around Norris's back, sticks his (Seagal's) hip into Norris, and throws Norris over his hip/back.

Norris is now on the floor/ground, on his back

Seagal still has hold of Norris's wrist

Seagel is standing near Norris's head, facing toward Norris's feet (got to get that picture before we can move on)

Seagal steps over Norris's arm (he still has that wrist, the arm is sticking up in the air) and falls back onto his back... so now Norris's arm is stuck literally between Seagal's legs

Seagal moves his legs so that they cover Norris's torso, which makes it harder for Norris to move.

Not that Norris would want to move: Seagal could dislocate/break his wrist (which he now has in a wrist lock), dislocate his elbow, and dislocate his shoulder.

Actually, Van Damme really is quite good at Savate. But Savate has evolved into more of a sport/exercise regimen than a combat art, so a little down-home streetfighting and he's toast.

I'm going to call Vin Diesel. He's nobody's martial artist, but he's younger, stronger and smarter than everybody else there (except maybe Macgyver). And unlike Mac, he'll use a gun...

McGyver would just make inpenetrable bulletproof vest from an old shoe and a tooth paste tube, and then a flamethrower from what's left from those while the others punch eachother. No one would take him seriously since he isn't that muscular and scary-looking. The outcome is inevitable.

Bruce Lee pwns all their asses. The end.

Bruce Lee pwns all their asses. The end.
True dat.

Actually, Van Damme really is quite good at Savate. But Savate has evolved into more of a sport/exercise regimen than a combat art, so a little down-home streetfighting and he's toast.

I'm going to call Vin Diesel. He's nobody's martial artist, but he's younger, stronger and smarter than everybody else there (except maybe Macgyver). And unlike Mac, he'll use a gun...
Bah, Savate is a French martial art. As such it's only good for surrendering.


Actually I knew a couple of people who trained in Boxe Francaise Savate. It's a pretty decent system for kicks, but for most people high kicks aren't that realistic in a real fight.

Simple:

The Evil Midnight Bomber(what bombs at midnight)blows up the building and all of them die. :D

http://www.boomspeed.com/looonatic/bomber2.jpg

Well if there is every impliment of death in the room Mac jsut has to make a paddel from something, give it to someone else and they clock Norris with it and bang he goes down.

Well, as much as Chuck is lauded around here, he's still getting pretty old. So old in fact that he's reduced to selling home gym products on TV infomercials.

Segal is getting old as well, and with a corresponding weight gain.

McGyver is a fictional character, so no dice there.

Van Damme got his ass kicked by a drunken hick. Not really "battle of the century" material there.

That leaves Vin Diesel, though only by default from this list.

The true winner, had they been included, would be a tie between Jet Li, and Donnie Yen ;)

David Carradine walks in and bitch slaps them all. The guy's 70 and could still kick all their asses.

I pick Jack Bauer aka Kiefer Sutherland, he could kick all their asses.

Mick McManus beats them all

Chuck Norris. By the time the others even get to a weapon, Chuck will already would have roundhouse kicked them several times, thus increasing his chances to pwn the others.

Van damme's the man. He eats all the others for breakfast.

Van damme's the man. He eats all the others for breakfast.
He got knocked the fuck out by Chuck Zito in 1998.

He got knocked the fuck out by Chuck Zito in 1998.
ONE of him got knocked out by Chuck Zito. But given the amount of films Van Damme's been in where he plays twins etc. you can't tell me he hasn't discovered a way to clone himself. I presume for the purposes of this contest that ALL incarnations or copies if you will will be included. Therefore Van Damme x2 (or more - who knows?) would kick all of those losers' asses.

Jack Bauer kills them all