NationStates Jolt Archive


What do you think of my Bush essay?

Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 02:55
Here's an essay I had to write for my government and politics class. Currently, we're studying the Presidency, and we had to analyze Bush. What do you think of it?

The Bush Presidency
This essay will discuss several aspects of the institution of the Presidency, and relate them to the presidency of George Walker Bush. The topics that will be considered are presidential style and character, effectiveness of leadership in all roles as president, his leadership and success in domestic and foreign policy issues, and his relationship with the press and the American people.
The style of a president is his "habitual way of performing his three political roles: rhetoric, personal relations, and homework." Each president maintains a balance between these three characteristics, but some are used more frequently than others. For instance, some presidents are considered to be primarily rhetoricians, some often engage in informal dealing, and some "devote their energies mainly to study and cogitation." George Bush resembles the second category, personal relations, more than any other. He values loyalty in his administration, and he is loyal in return. This is evident in some of Bush's controversial appointments and nominations, like John Bolton as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, and John Ashcroft as Attorney General. John Bolton is a member of the neoconservative think-tank Project for the New American Century, and he is also a severe critic of the United Nations. Harriet Miers was nominated to the Supreme Court by George Bush as the replacement for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, although she withdrew from the nomination after encountering strong opposition and criticism from various political groups, especially conservative groups that are considered to be George Bush's base. Miers has close personal ties to George Bush, and this was the primary reason for her nomination. John Ashcroft is a social conservative and he was harshly criticized by various left-wing groups, although he has been replaced by Alberto Gonzales.
A president's character "is the way the president orients himself toward life-not in the moment, but enduringly." There are four general types of presidential character: active-positive, active negative, passive-positive, and passive-negative. Active-positive presidents typically enjoy power and they use it aggressively and effectively. Thomas Jefferson is an example of an active-positive president. Active-negative presidents exercise power aggressively, but they receive little "emotional reward for that effort." John Adams was an active-negative president. Passive-positive presidents emhasize cooperation rather than conflict. They maintain a non-partisan atmosphere and they seek to reconcile political differences. James Madison was a passive-positive president. Passive-negative presidents tend to withdraw from "politicking." They are in politics because they have a sense of duty, not because they wish to exercise power. George Washington was a passive-negative president.
George Bush is an active-positive president. He aggressively uses power, and he isn't hesitant about expanding it. He was able to get Congress's approval for the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, and he was able to get several key domestic bills passed. Also, active-positive presidents are typically partisan presidents. George Bush is a partisan president based on his nominees to important positions, his steadfast support for Republican Party principles and his harsh criticism of leaks about the NSA wiretapping program. In addition, George Bush strongly believes that he must use his power and inherent role as protector of the people to combat and prevent terrorism, hence the Patriot Act, and using the National Security Agency to monitor communication between suspects in the United States and other countries.
As the Chief Executive , George Bush has had mixed results. He has been successful in many of his nominees, with the notable exception of Harriet Miers, but his administration has been tarnished by the Valerie Plame leak affair, and FEMA's mismanagement of Hurricane Katrina. Also, Bush created the Department of Homeland Security, which is responsible for protecting American people from harm and property from damage.
As Chief of State, Bush has had to take on the roles of head of state and head of government. He has had some successes and failures as head of government in pushing through legislation he considers important, such as the No Child Left Behind Act, and the Patriot Act, as well as the renewal of the Patriot Act. As head of state, his popularity has been a roller-coaster ride. At times, he was extremely popular in the polls, and at other times, his ratings decreased significantly.
As Commander in Chief, Bush has had more success than in any other presidential role. He managed to get support for the invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq, and he has revitalized the Central Intelligence Agency. Bush restarted the "Star Wars" program which researches and develops technology that can intercept incoming foregn missiles.
As Chief Diplomat, George Bush has developed a doctrine of pre-emptive attack, which he used as the rationale for the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan. This means that Bush will send United States soldiers into countries that he believes harbors terrorists or a danger to the security of the United States. This is a radical departure from the policy of deterrence and mutually assured destruction that prevailed during the Cold War. Bush adopted the doctrine of pre-emptive attack after the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center in New York. In his 2002 State of the Union address, Bush called Iran, Iraq, and North Korea an "axis of evil" and a danger to world peace. He takes a tough stance against these countries. An agreement was reached between North Korea and the United States in 2005 in which North Korea promised not to develop its nuclear weapons in exchange for food and other aid from the United States, China, and several other countries.
As Chief Legislator, George Bush has had his share of successes and failures. One notable failure was his effort to reinvent the Social Security system. The No Child Left Behind Act and the Patriot Act are two notable successes, as are the tax cuts that Congress has enacted. Although Bush presides over a Republican-controlled Congress, he was unable to get it to pass provisions in the energy acts, including the Energy Policy Act of 2005, that would allow drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Sometimes, a conflict between the president and Congress materializes out of differences over executive privelege, the theory that a president doesn't have to disclose information to Congress if it pertains to national security. Currently, there is such a conflict between Bush and various elements of Congress over the NSA wiretapping program. Bush refuses to give up the full details of the program to Congress, citing fears that it will weaken the United States in the war on terror.
As Chief of Party, Bush has done a consistent job. He supports Republican principles such as a strong defense, a strong private sector, free trade, gun-ownership rights, and a ban on same-sex marriage. Bush has increased defense spending, and he has advocated the privatisation of Social Security. Also, he let the 1994 ban on assault weapons go unrenwned, as well as supporting a ban on same-sex marriage. However, Bush has been criticised by some Democrats for working too closely with Republicans and not including Democrats. He has also been criticised for creating a deficit and enlargening the federal bureaucracy. Some Republicans consider this to be against the Republican principle of small government.
As the nation's popular leader, Bush's level of success has been marked by extreme highs and dismal lows. He started his first term with a 60% approval rating. Eight months later, this rose to 85%, after the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center. Thereafter, it steadily decreased until the invasion of Iraq in 2003, when it reached a high of 70%. He hasn't surpassed his pre-invasion approval rating since then. When Bush began his second term, his approval rating was 49%. Bush reached his lowest approval rating, 36%, during the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, although it has risen somewhat. However, Bush's approval rating is currently less than 50%. He has been the subject of scorn and satire due to his mispronounciations during speeches, and he has been criticized for his slow response to Hurricane Katrina. However, Bush's solid performance in the aftermath of the attacks on the World Trade Center reassured many people, and he's viewed as someone who will look after American interests in foreign affairs.
George Bush has been partially successful in both domestic and foreign affairs. In domestic affairs, he passed some important bills. These include the No Child Left Behind Act, the Patriot Act and its subsequent renewal, the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act, and the faith based initiative. In addition, he was successful is cutting taxes. Bush was unsuccessful in privatising Social Security and in his initiative to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Also, he has come under criticism because of his faith based initiative, which critics fear would erase the seperation of church and state.
Likewise, in foreign policy, Bush has had success and failure. Through the idea of pre-

emptive intervention, Bush believes that he can safeguard America from terrorists by overthrowing

the governments that support or condone terrorism. He used this theory for the invasion of Iraq,

claiming that there were weapons of mass destruction. However, Bush has come under severe

crticism for this military action because no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq, and some critics claim that even if there were weapons of mass destruction, they were greatly exagerated. The Bush administration also came under criticism for its handling of the Iraq war amid allegations that not enough soldiers were sent during the invasion, the inaction of United States soldiers during looting by some Iraqis in the first few months after Saddam Hussein was removed from power, and the fact that many soldiers did not have sufficient body armor. In addition, critics contend that the Bush administration didn't plan for the post-invasion insurgency, that the war is against international law because the United Nations Security Council didn't authorize it and that infrastructure efforts have failed, thus fueling the insurgency. Prisoner humiliation and abuses in the Abu Gharib prison only worsened the situation. Similiar arguments have been made about the occupation of Afghanistan. Much of that country is still ruled by tribal chiefs, and there are too few United States soldiers to keep order in some areas. However, there have also been some encouraging successes in both Iraq and Afghanistan. There have been successful elections in Iraq, the Iraqis have written a new constitution, and Saddam Hussein was captured by United States soldiers. Hussein is now being tried in an Iraqi court for various human rights abuses that he committed when he was the dictator of Iraq. In Afghanistan, the Islamic fundamentalist regime known as the Taliban was overthrown, and many Al Qaida operatives have been killed or captured, although Osama bin Laden is still at large. Additionally, Bush believes that by setting up a successful and prosperous democracy in Iraq, the rest of the Middle East will take notice and reform. Ultimately, this is supposed to eliminate terrorism and Islamic fundamentalism. The recent electoral victory of Hamas in Jordan, an orginazation that engaged in terrorism against Israel, will test this theory.
Bush's relationship with the press and the American people, like his approval ratings, experienced highs and lows. His first press secretary, Ari Fleischer, maintained a contentious atmosphere at White House briefings. He was criticised because he would call some individuals unpatriotic based on their remarks about the Bush administration. Fleischer resigned in 2003. The current White House press secretary is Scott McClellan. He has been criticised because he is sometimes unwilling to give up information, especially about the National Security Agency's warrantless wiretapping. Also, he has come under criticism for the perceived belated disclosure of Vice Presidend Richard Cheney's hunting accident.
Bush's relationship with the American people is also a mixed success. After the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and before the Iraq war, he was immensely popular, but since then his support has declined, with the result that he's not very popular right now. Most of the reason for his downfall can be attributed to the mishandling of the Iraq war, and the incompetence of FEMA during Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent aftermath. Bush sells himself as a "protector." During the 2004 election, he repeatedly stated that he doesn't "flip-flop" on issues and that he will look after American interests and protect America from future terrorist attacks. The fact that there have been no terrorist attacks on American soil since 2001 helps Bush's credibility.
Novoga
21-02-2006, 02:56
I shall read it when it is double spaced.

Also, I disagree with your essay structure. Should be:

Introduction (with thesis at end of intro paragraph)

3 Body Paragraphs (can be more, but generally three)

Conclusion (restate thesis at the end, or maybe beginning...)

But that is just the way we Canucks are taught. Also, I would like to see a title page (done according to the handbook) and a sources cited (done according to the handbook).
The Green Plague
21-02-2006, 02:57
not too bad. However, you can't end a paper like that. Tell me you are doing something to tie the thing together. Also, what educational level are you, just curious..
Genaia3
21-02-2006, 03:01
I haven't read it, but I'd need to know how old you are before I comment.
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 03:03
I haven't read it, but I'd need to know how old you are before I comment.

I'm 16. The essay is for and AP class.
Psychotic Mongooses
21-02-2006, 03:05
snip
Honestly? Weak.

What is an AP class?
Europa Maxima
21-02-2006, 03:05
I'm 16. The essay is for and AP class.
I think your AP is the equivalent to our A-Levels. That sort of an essay would not gain many marks for an A-level, despite being rather substantial in content (although again, not sufficiently so). Its structure would also have to change, as Novoga stated.
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 03:08
I think your AP is the equivalent to our A-Levels. That sort of an essay would not gain many marks for an A-level, despite being rather substantial in content (although again, not sufficiently so). Its structure would also have to change, as Novoga stated.

Hey, shoot me.

I'm more of a math and science person rather than a writer, and I banged this thing out in an entire weekend.
The Green Plague
21-02-2006, 03:09
I shall read it when it is double spaced.

Also, I disagree with your essay structure. Should be:

Introduction (with thesis at end of intro paragraph)

3 Body Paragraphs (can be more, but generally three)

Conclusion (restate thesis at the end, or maybe beginning...)

But that is just the way we Canucks are taught. Also, I would like to see a title page (done according to the handbook) and a sources cited (done according to the handbook).

I love when Canadians say the word Canucks....something about it is exotic.. Anyhow, I think Novoga pretty much sums up the structure part, but I think the author did a decent job (given we are never going to see the cover page or works cited, he/she was only wanting a critique of the meat of the paper)
Europa Maxima
21-02-2006, 03:09
Hey, shoot me.

I'm more of a math and science person rather than a writer, and I banged this thing out in an entire weekend.
Evidently not. We have to "bang" these out in one to two hours during exam times. In any case, improve the structure and you should be fine.
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 03:09
Honestly? Weak.

What is an AP class?

What does snip mean? An AP class is an advanced placement class. You can get college credits for it.
Neu Leonstein
21-02-2006, 03:10
I'm just not entirely sure what it's about. "Presidential Character"? What in hell's name is that? And why does it matter?
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 03:11
Evidently not. We have to "bang" these out in one to two hours during exam times. In any case, improve the structure and you should be fine.

Same here, we have to write essays during exams too, but we also have to do multiple choice and short answer questions too. :(
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 03:11
I'm just not entirely sure what it's about. "Presidential Character"? What in hell's name is that? And why does it matter?

Because it's supposedly a way to predict what the president will do in office.
Europa Maxima
21-02-2006, 03:12
Same here, we have to write essays during exams too, but we also have to do multiple choice and short answer questions too. :(
We usually get smaller source based questions. For History, the Unit 6 paper is pure hell as it incorporates tons of information as well as 5-6 sources. Though AP is worth it.
Psychotic Mongooses
21-02-2006, 03:12
What does snip mean? An AP class is an advanced placement class. You can get college credits for it.

*jaw hits floor*
Jesus....

If that can get you credits for college, I pity the education system in the US especially third level.

You are not objective, analytical nor do you provide a solid critique of the policies. Thats just for starters

(Snip means 'to have snipped/shortened the quote for brevity')
The Nazz
21-02-2006, 03:14
I shall read it when it is double spaced.

Also, I disagree with your essay structure. Should be:

Introduction (with thesis at end of intro paragraph)

3 Body Paragraphs (can be more, but generally three)

Conclusion (restate thesis at the end, or maybe beginning...)

Good fucking god, no. Unless you are required by a class to write an essay in that format, don't ever, EVER write one that way. They're agony to read.

That structure is like playing scales on an instrument--it's a good way to start, and it's good to master the structure, but only so you can grow beyond it. In music, you learn scales in part so you can solo--people like to listen to solos. No one likes to listen to scales, not for long anyway.

To Dubya 1000--it would help if you spaced between paragraphs for us. I teach composition at the college level, so if there seems to be a contradiction between what I suggest and what your teacher wants, go with the teacher.

Go back through and look for sentences that are really general, that don't add much in the way of detail and see if you can get rid of them. Here's an example:As head of state, his popularity has been a roller-coaster ride. At times, he was extremely popular in the polls, and at other times, his ratings decreased significantly.

Another suggestion: you seem to repeat yourself a bit. I think this is a matter of structure. You might try grouping the discussion a bit more firmly--foreign policy in one section, domestic policy in another, legislation and nominees in a third.

One last thing, and this is just pickiness and partisanship on my part, but I think it's important. You note, correctly, that Bush's approval rating was 60% at inauguration and 85% after the 9/11 atttacks, but it was in the 40's in between. Your omission suggests that it stayed high between those two events when in fact it did not. Hope that helps.
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 03:16
*jaw hits floor*
Jesus....

If that can get you credits for college, I pity the education system in the US especially third level.

You are not objective, analytical nor do you provide a solid critique of the policies. Thats just for starters

(Snip means 'to have snipped/shortened the quote for brevity')

It's not a perfect essay, but if actually bothered to read it you would find that I critizize the way Iraq was handled and his faith based initiatives, among other things. I also give praise where it's due, so actually I do think it's objective.
The Nazz
21-02-2006, 03:17
*jaw hits floor*
Jesus....

If that can get you credits for college, I pity the education system in the US especially third level.

You are not objective, analytical nor do you provide a solid critique of the policies. Thats just for starters

(Snip means 'to have snipped/shortened the quote for brevity')
You want to hear something scary? I've seen significantly worse in some college classes I've taught in the past. I'd never assign anything like this, but this would get a passing grade in my class as it is, maybe even a B-.
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 03:19
To Dubya 1000--it would help if you spaced between paragraphs for us. I teach composition at the college level, so if there seems to be a contradiction between what I suggest and what your teacher wants, go with the teacher.

I did space between paragraphs. That just didn't come out on the thread for some reason. Thanks for the help.
Vetalia
21-02-2006, 03:22
One last thing, and this is just pickiness and partisanship on my part, but I think it's important. You note, correctly, that Bush's approval rating was 60% at inauguration and 85% after the 9/11 atttacks, but it was in the 40's in between. Your omission suggests that it stayed high between those two events when in fact it did not. Hope that helps.

Actually, his approval rating was in the 40's right after inauguration, hit the 60's shortly thereafter, drifted back in to the 50's again through the summer and then finally hit the 80's around 9/11. After that, it's slowly drifted downward to the 40's...where it goes from here is, of course, speculative.
Upper Botswavia
21-02-2006, 03:24
Content, not bad, although you use too many "quotes" which makes the whole thing read like none of it was your idea. Also, there seems to be no indication of who you are quoting, which would help. I would suggest either saying things like According to Jim Smith, "things could be better if the world were flat.", or taking Jim's ideas and finding a way to say it in your own words...

I would rewrite (or probably simply eliminate) the first paragraph. As we read it, we KNOW it is an essay, and if you have done it right, by the time we are finished, we will KNOW what it has discussed. The way it stands currently, it looks as though you were about 100 words short of what you were required to write, so the first paragraph was just padding.

You do need a conclusion to tie everything together, as currently it just stops dead. One style of essay to consider is one where the final paragraph is where your thesis is stated and explained, rather than your first paragraph.

Your style is a bit stilted, but given the subject matter, and the fact that I don't know any of your other writing, it is difficult for me to offer constructive criticism on that. I would recommend changing any paragraph that begins with the exact same phrasing as the previous one. It makes the essay read like a bullet point list. Instead, think about what is DIFFERENT in each of those points you are trying to make and find a way to express that.

All that having been said, this reads as a good first draft.
Isselmere
21-02-2006, 03:26
1) Avoid clichés, they annoy teachers and professors.

2) Provide an objective viewpoint.

3) Do not begin an essay with, "This essay..." Best to leap right into it:
"The Bush administration ... "
or
"George Walker Bush's presidency ... "

4) Provide your subjects for discussion at the end of your introductory paragraph, but not necessarily in the "I will discuss x, y, and z" format.

5) Er, don't use "I" at all, really.

Mind you, it's taken me six years to write a thesis, so I'm not one to talk.
Psychotic Mongooses
21-02-2006, 03:26
It's not a perfect essay,
Why not? Go back and fix it until it is.


but if actually bothered to read it
I did read it.

you would find that I critizize the way Iraq was handled and his faith based initiatives, among other things. I also give praise where it's due, so actually I do think it's objective.
No, as The Nazz pointed out you ommited certain facts to back up your (clearly) biased argument. This is clear throughout. No references to Kyoto, you back the Patriot Act, the renewmal of the Patriot act and also the NCLB Act. all of which are quite partisan. No?

I see no analysis of whether these in fact are good policies for the country, nor whether the contstant 'war footing' effects his role and popularity.

A critique doesn't necessarily mean criticise- it means balanced. This piece is not.

I might be too hard- but I have high standards, and they are expected of me.

You want to hear something scary? I've seen significantly worse in some college classes I've taught in the past. I'd never assign anything like this, but this would get a passing grade in my class as it is, maybe even a B-.

That is scary. I have to bust my ass to make sure my argument is air tight and backed up with facts and sources.
The Nazz
21-02-2006, 03:28
Actually, his approval rating was in the 40's right after inauguration, hit the 60's shortly thereafter, drifted back in to the 50's again through the summer and then finally hit the 80's around 9/11. After that, it's slowly drifted downward to the 40's...where it goes from here is, of course, speculative.
Yeah, you're probably right. He was looking like a real one-termer until 9/11.

As to his current ratings, I think he pretty much bottomed out at 36 a few weeks ago, that is, until seniors start hitting the donut hole in their Medicare prescription coverage right around September/October and start having to pay out of pocket for the next couple thousand bucks. Then he may hit the teens. And the Democrats, if they handle it right (which means it won't happen), could pull a 1994 and wipe out a shitload of Republicans.
Europa Maxima
21-02-2006, 03:29
That is scary. I have to bust my ass to make sure my argument is air tight and backed up with facts and sources.
Same here. Studying Law means the essays have to be sound from every point of view, both in terms of sources used and in actual argumentative. Plus it has to be succinct and to the point. Even that may only get you a reasonable grade.
THE LOST PLANET
21-02-2006, 03:29
http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/wuerg/vomit-smiley-011.gif
Christinetopia
21-02-2006, 03:46
If that can get you credits for college, I pity the education system in the US especially third level.

Actually, the way the Advanced Placement system works in the United States varies slightly from state to state.

Where I attended high school, the GPA was weighted, meaning a B in AP was equivalent to an A in Pre-AP and a B in Pre-AP was equivalent to an A in regular classes. It's supposed to reward students for the extra effort and dedication they're put into their schooling.

Also, not all AP classes could be eligible for college credit. College credit can be earned in two ways through AP classes. Firstly, you can take the AP course, study a whole lot and then pay money and take the AP test for the course and have the scores sent to your colleges of choice. If your scores are high enough for the school, they will give you certain amounts of credit hours. The other way to earn credit hours through AP classes is simply to take the class as a dual credit class, or concurrently. That means your teacher has to be qualified to teach it concurrently, and you apply at a local community college/college/etc and they count your grade in that class as college credit; from that you can transfer to any accepting university.

That's how I received 9 hours before I entered college. I earned 9 through AP testing and 3 through taking government concurrently my senior year.

Hope that clarifies!
People without names
21-02-2006, 03:50
But that is just the way we Canucks are taught. Also, I would like to see a title page (done according to the handbook) and a sources cited (done according to the handbook).

what handbook/style?
Vetalia
21-02-2006, 03:58
As to his current ratings, I think he pretty much bottomed out at 36 a few weeks ago, that is, until seniors start hitting the donut hole in their Medicare prescription coverage right around September/October and start having to pay out of pocket for the next couple thousand bucks. Then he may hit the teens. And the Democrats, if they handle it right (which means it won't happen), could pull a 1994 and wipe out a shitload of Republicans.

All they have to do is come up with a hard hitting, clear plan and stick to it; if they can devote the airtime and the public exposure to their plan, it's entirely possible that they can pull a 1994 style sweep. After all, one party can only dominate for so long before they are taken down...and the Republican party's time is past.
BLARGistania
21-02-2006, 04:04
Lots of issues with grammar and structure. Never ever EVER EVER! begin with . . .this essay. . . or the topics discussed in this essay. . . .

Those are ugly, hideous, horrible ways to write an essay. If you hope to become a better writer or even pass the AP class you need to be able to remove those.

Second, transitions are very important. You need them.

Third watch the sentance structure. Its very choppy and really doesn't flow throughout.

When you can fix the basic sturucture of your essay to something a little more pleasent and bearable, then come back and we can read it for content.
Achtung 45
21-02-2006, 04:05
I just skimmed through the replies so I don't know if this was mentioned, but I was taught repeatedly that it is unwise to start your essay by saying "This is an essay. It is about A, B and C." Sure it may sound good, but highly traditional and quite frankly, unimaginative.

It is, however, highly organized and a very traditional essay. You may want to consider concluding it with a couple concise sentences that sum everything up in an elegant and succinct fashion.
Dubya 1000
21-02-2006, 04:11
Why not? Go back and fix it until it is.



I did read it.


No, as The Nazz pointed out you ommited certain facts to back up your (clearly) biased argument. This is clear throughout. No references to Kyoto, you back the Patriot Act, the renewmal of the Patriot act and also the NCLB Act. all of which are quite partisan. No?

I see no analysis of whether these in fact are good policies for the country, nor whether the contstant 'war footing' effects his role and popularity.

A critique doesn't necessarily mean criticise- it means balanced. This piece is not.

I might be too hard- but I have high standards, and they are expected of me.



That is scary. I have to bust my ass to make sure my argument is air tight and backed up with facts and sources.

Actually, the essay is due tomorrow and I don't have time to fix it. But I would fix it if I had time. You seem to be implying that I like Bush in this essay. FYI, I despise that man. The Patriot Act and NCLB were important to Bush, and passing them was a political success for Bush. I have to approach the essay from Bush's POV, in terms of "did he get what he wanted?"

1) Avoid clichés, they annoy teachers and professors.

2) Provide an objective viewpoint.

3) Do not begin an essay with, "This essay..." Best to leap right into it:
"The Bush administration ... "
or
"George Walker Bush's presidency ... "

4) Provide your subjects for discussion at the end of your introductory paragraph, but not necessarily in the "I will discuss x, y, and z" format.

5) Er, don't use "I" at all, really.

Mind you, it's taken me six years to write a thesis, so I'm not one to talk.

Thanks, that was helpful.
Daistallia 2104
21-02-2006, 05:08
I'd give it an A+ if one of my Japanese students had writen it in my old essay or thesis classes when I taught ESL at a tech school.
For an AP course in the US, I'd say it's a D or an F.

Lots of good advice being given - I hope you take it.

:)

I shall read it when it is double spaced.

Also, I disagree with your essay structure. Should be:

Introduction (with thesis at end of intro paragraph)

3 Body Paragraphs (can be more, but generally three)

Conclusion (restate thesis at the end, or maybe beginning...)

But that is just the way we Canucks are taught. Also, I would like to see a title page (done according to the handbook) and a sources cited (done according to the handbook).

That's how we were taught in the US back when I went to school.
Novoga
21-02-2006, 05:14
what handbook/style?

Go to an Ontario Highschool.
Novoga
21-02-2006, 05:15
Evidently not. We have to "bang" these out in one to two hours during exam times. In any case, improve the structure and you should be fine.

Structure is key in essays, at least in the Canadian education system, it counts for a good deal of the marks.
Novoga
21-02-2006, 05:17
Good fucking god, no. Unless you are required by a class to write an essay in that format, don't ever, EVER write one that way. They're agony to read.

That structure is like playing scales on an instrument--it's a good way to start, and it's good to master the structure, but only so you can grow beyond it. In music, you learn scales in part so you can solo--people like to listen to solos. No one likes to listen to scales, not for long anyway.

While that may be true if the essay is poorly written, that structure works just fine for well written essays in my experience. Plus, if we don't use that structure we lose a significant amount of marks.
Europa Maxima
21-02-2006, 05:18
Structure is key in essays, at least in the Canadian education system, it counts for a good deal of the marks.
Indeed. In the British system the same applies, and it almost goes without saying that bad structure will rob an essay of marks for its content, making what could be an excellently argued essay into a moderate one. There is an emphasis on clear communication of ideas and coherence.
Gargantua City State
21-02-2006, 05:23
I didn't read the whole thing... as it didn't really feel like it was going anywhere. You just sort of state something, then jump to the next thing. There's really no flow at all.
And I cannot stress enough what some others have said: Add sources! With every quote you use, or any idea you get from a source, make sure you put a note in saying so. Otherwise you could just be talking out of your rear end, and no one likes that.

It's a good first draft to lay out some ideas and get a feel for what it is you want to do, but still needs a LOT of fleshing out.
The Lone Alliance
21-02-2006, 05:29
Sorry I have to disagree on the 'No Child left behind act.' You should have asked some Elementry teachers. I've been in a school and it's almost Unamious that they think it was the stupidest idea ever.
Eutrusca
21-02-2006, 05:46
"What do you think of my Bush essay?"

Good analysis. Good structure. Few spelling errors. Some grammatical errors. Sentance structure generally good. Syntax could be better. Paragraphs could be shorter.

Overall, I give it a "B." :)
Novoga
21-02-2006, 05:52
"What do you think of my Bush essay?"

Good analysis. Good structure. Few spelling errors. Some grammatical errors. Sentance structure generally good. Syntax could be better. Paragraphs could be shorter.

Overall, I give it a "B." :)

You mark too easy, be a harsh cold blooded bastard when marking a paper. It is the only fair way.
Eutrusca
21-02-2006, 05:54
You mark too easy, be a harsh cold blooded bastard when marking a paper. It is the only fair way.
Call me a pushover. :D
La Habana Cuba
21-02-2006, 05:54
Loved it even though, you did not paragraph and so on.
Cattiwampi
21-02-2006, 05:55
I'm a college student who took IB courses (like AP) in high school and now edits papers of college students. I agree with many comments ahead of me, for example, the need for transitions and a conclusion. The paper needs to make some point-that GW is a good/bad/strong/weak/normal/passive-agressive/etc president.

The listing of the nominees in the opening paragraph takes up more space than it should since it doesn't relate to the entire paper.

I think reviewing your paper to make sure it surrounds a central idea will make it infinately stronger and will solve many of your problems. Good luck!
The Nazz
21-02-2006, 05:56
While that may be true if the essay is poorly written, that structure works just fine for well written essays in my experience. Plus, if we don't use that structure we lose a significant amount of marks.That should be the only reason you ever use that structure. If you want good examples of essay writing, look at features written for practically any magazine or journal--they never follow that structure. That type of introduction will get you laughed at in any professional setting, and it'll get points taken off in my college composition classes.
Novoga
21-02-2006, 06:00
That should be the only reason you ever use that structure. If you want good examples of essay writing, look at features written for practically any magazine or journal--they never follow that structure. That type of introduction will get you laughed at in any professional setting, and it'll get points taken off in my college composition classes.

I would assume you teach your students the professional way to write an essay?
The Nazz
21-02-2006, 06:04
I would assume you teach your students the professional way to write an essay?
That's my job, and I do my job well. Part of my job is reading essays to use as examples for future teaching assignments, and right now my department is putting together a custom reader with articles written in the last five years. Needless to say, none of the follow the above-mentioned structure.
Psychotic Mongooses
21-02-2006, 18:27
I have to approach the essay from Bush's POV, in terms of "did he get what he wanted?"


Ok, fair enough. But at that rate, I personally would have focused much more on his domestic policies (not saying they are more successful- but they sure have to be better then his foreign policy results) as opposed to Iraq.

I didn't mean to be harsh, just offering constructive criticism ;) I hope it goes ok for you.
The Similized world
21-02-2006, 18:34
You got an "It's bad, but could be worse" from me, mainly because you could have written it in cyrillic.

Have you heard of spacing? You should try it. If someone handed me an essey like that, I'd flunk it without reading it.
Daistallia 2104
22-02-2006, 06:22
You mark too easy, be a harsh cold blooded bastard when marking a paper. It is the only fair way.

Best bit of grading advice I ever got for classes like that, was the advice the old head of the poli sci department at my university gave a younger instructor:
"Hallmark, be a son-of-a-bitch! It's the only way, and it's a lot of fun."

(Dr. Lence, the quotee, was an excellent teacher - the best I ever had, for sure.)
AIChE
22-02-2006, 07:23
If you don't use this for this essay, consider it for the future:

1. Don't mention "this essay". The essay should not be self-concious; it is just an argument, statement, etc.
2. The intro paragraph is quite bland, and will not make the reader want to continue reading.....very bad come May when you take the AP exams.
3. The second parapgraph was also very disjoint in both sentence structure and though. Perhaps you could throw in parenthetical asides when listing the types of presidents.
4. I saw quite a number of mispelled words in paragraphs 8-10 (some elsewhere too but here in particular). You wouldn't beleive how quickly even the most sound argument loses water when there are typos. Big no-no.
5. At times, it feels as if there is just a barrage of facts without explanation. This will also quickly sink your essay.
6. Ends like it begins...bland. You really do want strong beginnings and endings. I've had prof's who would stop reading our essays if the intro did not interest them (or at the very least not sound drab).

You could probably expect ~3 on the AP exam with that writing, and a B in an average American HS (C+ in a good one).
AIChE
22-02-2006, 07:28
Best bit of grading advice I ever got for classes like that, was the advice the old head of the poli sci department at my university gave a younger instructor:
"Hallmark, be a son-of-a-bitch! It's the only way, and it's a lot of fun."

(Dr. Lence, the quotee, was an excellent teacher - the best I ever had, for sure.)

What university did you go to? There is a Dr. Lence in the Poli Sci dept at my school as well.
CanuckHeaven
22-02-2006, 07:41
I love when Canadians say the word Canucks....something about it is exotic..
Exotic eh?

*CanuckHeaven changes name to ExoticHeaven..... :cool:

Nawwwww
Daistallia 2104
22-02-2006, 15:34
What university did you go to? There is a Dr. Lence in the Poli Sci dept at my school as well.

UH. Looking at your location, I'm assuming we're both talking about the infamous and excellent Dr. Ross Lence. If you haven't done so yet, I hifghly reccomend one of his courses - hard as all hell, but well worth it. He has the distinguished Ross Lence chair for a damned good reason. I also reccomend his parties. I graduated more than 15 years ago (the year he had his first heart attack) and can still remember many of his hilarious stories, most of which actually related to the subject matter.

He gave an F to 2/3rds of the students in the "American Political Thought" class on the mid-term. This was a senior level course, full of poli sci seniors and grad students. It was a multiple choice test. The F was well deserved, as you might assume from the remark. He gave the F students a second chance - a take home multiple choice test. Half of the retakes (including me) passed it the second time around. The fails on that got to retake it over spring break...

If Terry Hallmark is still around, drop by his office and see if he still remembers a David McIntyre who ended up teaching in Japan. Drop the above line on him if need be. (And Dr. Lence as well.)
Xinquaii
22-02-2006, 15:38
It stands against a variety of views, but still I respect your opinion.
Genaia3
23-02-2006, 01:03
Right, I don't mean this to sound condescending but I think given the fact that you're 16 it was a very good essay and I would advise anyone who disagrees to reread what they wrote at that age before preaching at you. I'm a 20 year old university student and I cringe at what I wrote six months ago, never mind four years ago, take heed of the constructive criticisms that have already been offered but you certainly have no reason to feel disheartened.