NationStates Jolt Archive

a thread about jokes just posts some jokes and hopefully we can chuckle the night away

some jokes to get his started:

dyslexic man walks into a bra

what do you call an Asian farmer? a farmer what were you expecting you racist :mad:

What ship never sinks? Friendship:)

What ship never sinks? Friendship:)

Not sure about that :(


How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?
She has a tampon behind one ear and cannot remember where she put her last cigarette.


A seal walked into a club.


A French cat and English cat, called une-deux-trois and one-two-three, aftertalking for a while they had a bet over who could run quickest, deciding the first cat to run over the channel to Calais would be the winner.
Later that day the one-two-three cat arrives in Calais, not sure if he won the race asks a passer by where the une-deux-trois cat is and is told, "Oh, the une deux trois quatre cinq." (Ba-bum) :p

A French cat and English cat, called une-deux-trois and one-two-three, aftertalking for a while they had a bet over who could run quickest, deciding the first cat to run over the channel to Calais would be the winner.
Later that day the one-two-three cat arrives in Calais, not sure if he won the race asks a passer by where the une-deux-trois cat is and is told, "Oh, the une deux trois quatre cinq." (Ba-bum) :pOh dear... *sniggers*

What's a baby seal's favourite scotch?
Canadian Club on the rocks.

I thought jokes were meant to be funny? :confused:

Oh dear... *sniggers*

:D

Better said then wrote.

I thought jokes were meant to be funny? :confused:

Depends who tells them.

:D

Better said then wrote.I know, I said it out loud the second time I read it as it didn't register first time round.

I have a feeling that I might be repeating to my friends though c.c

What's a baby seal's favourite scotch?
Canadian Club on the rocks.

damn these seal jokes!

Chinese torture: A guy got lost in the woods and saw a place in the middle of nowhere. He went and knocked on the door. Gratefully the Chinese people who lived there accepted him and let him stay for the night. There was a father and a daughter in the house. The father warned him that if he want to live, he can't do it to his daughter. The guy disregarded the warning.

In the morning he woke up and saw a small boudler on his chest, on it said "chinese torture #1, rock on chest" He thought this was't so bad so he threw out the boulder in a open window. On the window sill there was another not saying "chinese torture #2, rock tied to left testy" He almost screamed and jumped out of the window with the rock. On the ground there was also another note, "chinese torture #3, right testy tied to bedpost.":D :D


"I can make you speak red idian" I said
"how?" he said.:D :D :D

Depends who tells them.

And who's listening.

damn these seal jokes!
At least they aren't dead baby jokes.

*awaits barrage*

Q: How do sopranos defy the laws of metaphysics?
A: The centre of the universe shifts with each step they take.

That was for singers/theatre buffs.

And who's listening.Very true. I'm very receptive to jokes and easily amused by most jokes. I'm not sure if this a good or not though. c.c

Very true. I'm very receptive to jokes and easily amused by most jokes. I'm not sure if this a good or not though. c.c

I'm not very picky about jokes either. My friends keep complaining I lack taste though.

At least they aren't dead baby jokes.

*awaits barrage*
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

At least they aren't dead baby jokes.

*awaits barrage*

yeah, but those would be too easy

An elderly man and woman went to the fair every year, and every year there were helicopter rides for $20, the man really wanted to ride in a helicopter and so every year he and his wife would have the same conversation

"honey, this year can't we please go up in the helicopter?"
"$20, is a lot of money to ride around for 10 minutes, absolutely not"
"but I am not getting any younger, this year could be the year I die, I really want to go, please?"
"nope. $20 is $20."

this went on for 10 years, until the man was 95 years old, and he asked on last time "please, can we spend the goddamn $20 and let me do something fun before I die?"
and the wife answered, just the same as she had for the last 10 years "$20 is $20"

The man who owned the helicopter decided that this really might be the old man's last chance to do something fun, he said "I will tell you what, I will let you both ride for free, if you don't say a single word, not a single peep through the entire ride"

the couple agreed.

When they took off the man started flying sideways, doing loops, diving twards the ground, then back up, trying everything he could to make the couple say something, anything, trying to make them scream.

After about 20 minutes, he decided that it was a lost cause and started to head in to land the helicopter.
"man, you guys really were quiet the whole flight....I really thought I was going to hear something out of you"

the old man said "well, I was going to say something when my wife fell out.......but $20 is $20"

:D


I think it's better when you hear it..........maybe......

Q: What do you call a group of pop and rock musicians?

A: A special ed class.

PS: Sorry if that's offensive to the mentally handicapped. They are not at all my target.

A couple of lads are drinking in a pub, and one of them turns to other and says, "I can have any woman in this pub, you know?"
The other drinker condiders this. "Why's that?" he asks. His friend shrugs.
"I'm a rapist."

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking
down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he
would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve
back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch
hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest,
"Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the
road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he
swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so
at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However
even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he
didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that
lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

I think it's better when you hear it..........maybe......

Well, I think most jokes are, but don't worry about that. It made me laugh.

An American along with his family invited an Englishman and his family and a Catholic priest along for a cruise on his new yatch. All was going fine until during the night they all awoke to find the yatch being engulfed by fire.
"Women and children into the lifeboat first!" yelled the American as they all scrambled up on deck.
The Englishman replied "Fuck the kids!" as he jumped into the lifeboat.
The Catholic priest asks "We got time?"

my friend kareem just told me this one:


Black man and a Puerto Rican are in a car. Who is Driving?


The Police

So wrong, yet so good. :D

Smunkeeville's jokes a great as well.

my friend kareem just told me this one:


Black man and a Puerto Rican are in a car. Who is Driving?


The Police

that is not funny thats just rasics:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

I love offensive jokes, about anything, even me

that is not funny thats just rasics:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:You can take the joke two ways. That it is racist in implying what black people and Puerto Ricans get up to. But you can also view it as making light of the Police, and the institutionalised racism it suffers from. Besides, most jokes use stereotypes. I don't see you complaining about the sexist joke or even the joke about the lawyer. Isn't it unfair to say that all lawyers are evil and deserve that treatment?

kk this is the best joke ever ... and i mean ever

i went to the zoo yesterday there was only one type of dog, it was a chitzu





got another here

an englishman irishman and scotsman are all running away from some germans
th english man says its no use well have to hide, so they all hide in three sacks

the germans see the sacks and get suspicious so the leader tells them to beat the bags with their guns

they got to the englishmans sack and poke it, thinking quickly the englishman says MEOW and the germans think cats and so move on

they get to the scotsmans sack and poke it, the scotsman shouts WOOF WOOF and the germans think dogs and so move on

when they get to the irishmans sack they poke it, to which the irish man shouts POTATOES

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.


And something that made me laugh last night - my boyfriend started singing "Humpty Dumpty" (no I don't know why) and finished with "Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall...but was in breach of his asbo and got arrested".

You can take the joke two ways. That it is racist in implying what black people and Puerto Ricans get up to. But you can also view it as making light of the Police, and the institutionalised racism it suffers from. Besides, most jokes use stereotypes. I don't see you complaining about the sexist joke or even the joke about the lawyer. Isn't it unfair to say that all lawyers are evil and deserve that treatment?


I couldn't have said it any better myself thank you.;)

Why put a dead baby in a blender feet first?
So you can look into its eyes while masturbating.

This joke is best accompanied by hand gestures and/or a powerpoint presentation.

Liasia']Why put a dead baby in a blender feet first?
So you can look into its eyes while masturbating.

This joke is best accompanied by hand gestures and/or a powerpoint presentation.


Damn. Thats all I can say about that one.

Three carpenters die and go to heaven. One is black, another Jewish and the last Italian. As they approach the gates of heaven, they notice that the gate is in a dilapitated state. Saint Peter runs over to them and says, "I have been waiting for you three, I need you to take a look at the gate and give me an estimate of how much it will cost to repair it".

The black carpenter walks up to the gate, takes some measurements, takes out his pen and paper and calculates his figures. He calls Saint Peter over and tells him, "I can do it for $900". "Wonderful", states Peter as he writes the figure on his clipboard, "How did you arrive at that number?" "Well, I figure $300 for supplies, $300 for labor and $300 profit.", the carpenter stated.

The Jewish carpenter walks up to the gates, takes a few measurements and calculates a few figures and says to St. Pete, "I can fix it for $3000". St. Peters asks, "how did you come up with that figure?" The carpenter replied, "$1000 for supplies, $1000 labor and $1000 profit." St. Peter again noted the figures on his clipboard.

St. Peter walks up to the Italian Carpenter and asks him, "You should go look at the gate so I can get your estimate." The Italian takes Peter's clipboard, hands it back to him and says "$2900". Baffled, St Peter asks him, "Wouldn't you like to see the gate first? How did you come up with that number?". The carpenter replied, "$1000 for you, $1000 for me...we'll get the black guy to do it for $900".

How do you confuse an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it's from.

Guy walks into the bar looking really pissed off with a box under his arm. He sits down and orders the most expensive scotch they have. After a few drinks the bartender asks what's in the box. The guy opens the lid, takes out a mini piano and a 12in man. The 12in man sits down at the piano and plays the most beautiful music the bartenders ever heard. It's so perfect that the entire bar goes queit to hear the music. After the music is over, the guy puts the piano and 12in man back in the box. Confused as to why the guy looks even more pissed off he asks

"What's wrong with you that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen or heard. Where did you find a 12in man?"

The guy replies "I was walking along the beach and came across a bottle in the water. It looked like something was inside, so I rubbed the side. All of a sudden smoke comes out of the bottle, then a jin."

"Holy moly that's amazing, did he give you 3 wishes?" The bartender wants to know.

"NO, he only gave me one and I sure as hell didn't ask for a 12in pianist!"

I have a great Clinton, Monica lewinsky joke in spanish translated to english, but not allowed on Nationstates does anyone know of a good off site I can post it in.

If NS rules allow, post site nane here and or telegram my nation as long as NS rules allow.

Clintons dog letter to Clinton and
Clintons letter to his dog Buddy.

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets."

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, "More food." The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he's drained by the long days of work. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, "I'm leaving."

"Good," the head monk replies. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening.
The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet." The blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand,
I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay!" The blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The guy took the money and left.

How do you confuse an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it's from.

Oooh.... thats a good one..

Terribly contrived but amusing joke coming up. Best said aloud:

A maths teacher decides to test the class's lateral thinking skills. She asks them, 'Can anyone come up to the board and draw a picture that shows the concept of the number 9?'
The Irish kid puts up his hand and says,'Ah, but that's an easy one so it is'.
He goes up to the board and draws three trees.
The teacher's a bit perplexed and asks, 'How does that show the number 9?'
The Milligan answers, 'Are ye daft? Canny ye not see - it's a tree ana tree ana tree. That makes 9!'
The teacher says, 'Ok smartarse. Now draw me the number 99!'
The Milligan replies, 'Ah, but that's even easier than the first!'. He quickly smudges each tree, 'There ya go!'
The teacher is totally confused, 'What the hell is that!'
The Milligan answers, 'Ya must have a potatah for a brain. It's a dirty tree! See - a dirty tree and a dirty tree and a dirty tree. That's 99!'
The teacher refuses to back down here and has one last go, 'Right then. Now draw me 100!'
The Milligan thinks for a while, then draws a little dog on the board and a small lump on the base of each tree.
'Mind explaining this to me?', asks the teacher.
'Well, it's like this', replies the Milligan, 'a wee dog came along and did it's business on each tree. So now we have a dirty tree and a turd, a dirty tree and a turd, a dirty tree and a turd. That makes 100. Is there anything else you be wanting me for?'

Upon being notified that the Pope was coming to visit, the priest of a small rural church was distressed, because he had nothing to feed the Pope. He went on a walk to clear his mind, and soon he came upon a fisherman by the stream. Suddenly, he had an idea. He went up to the fisherman and asked to borrow his pole and some bait. The fisherman agreed, and soon the fisherman pulled a huge trout out of the river.
"That's a nice sonofabitch!" exclaimed the fisherman.
"Excuse me?" said the priest.Not wanting to be embarrassed, the fisherman thought quickly.
"That's its name, father." lied the fisherman.The priest took the fine fish back to the church, and gave it to a nun to clean.
"I caught this sonofabitch." the priest said proudly.
"Father!" the nun exclaimed.
"It's perfectly alright." said the priest. "That's the name of the fish." The nun cleaned the fish and took it to the chef to cook.
"Cook this sonofabitch up." the nun said
"Sister, I'm surprised at you." replied the cook
"You don't understand." replied the nun. " That's what the fish is named." The chef cooked the fish expertly, and soon the Pope arrived. Everyone was gathered at the table.
" I caught this sonofabitch." said the priest.
" And I cleaned the sonofabitch." said the nun.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch." said the chef. The Pope glanced around the room slowly.
" You fuckers are all right!", he exclaimed.

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't" said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

A man, a giraffe and another man walk into a small Scottish pub. They all sit down (even the giraffe- sat on the floor) and wait for about five minutes before ordering any drinks as they were all having trouble breathing (the pub was approximatly twenty miles above sea level so the air was a bit thin). The all got accustomed to the air and the first man walked up to the bar to buy a round of fine, hearty, Scottish ale.

"What ho gentle barkeep! May I say you are looking just darling this eve!"

The barkeeps face turned a shade of crimson and quickly he replied:

"Aye, ah apologise for blushin' sir, ah am no used tae such flattery! Whit'll ye be hafin'?"

"Quite alright dear chap! Three pints of your famous Craftsman ale please good barkeep. And hasten your task as my mouth is as dry as the driest desert you could imagine!"

The barkeep could certainly imagine a dry desert, he in fact thought that he could imagine a drier desert than any other man, but he did not let this slip as it may offend his customer.
The first man collected the three pints in his hands and steadily wandered back to the table at which the giraffe and the second man sat. The first man arrived duly at the table and, to his immediate surprise, both his friends had disappeared. 'How odd' he thought, as he did not hear them get up and open any door. He looked around the bar, the barkeep grinned inanly at him and the first man gave him a friendly wave. He shouted across the bar:

"Oh gentle barkeep! Did you see my friends leave this bar?"

Replied the barkeep:

"Aye, they left through the silen' door, strange thing- naebody leaves through tha' door- it leads naewhere."

A feeling of dread crept up the firts mans leg (actually it was a small family of ants- but it felt a lot like dread). He dashed to the 'silent door' and flung it open. He looked downward and saw two tiny dots shrinking in the distance. The ants reached his mouth and he vomited, his vomit fell onto his white shirt and he furiously slapped at his face - ants and pieces of pork and cheese flying every which way. The barkeep walked over to him.

"Can ah help ye sir?"

The first man let out a disgusting, horrified scream:

"Graffafaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmagaraaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!"

"How rude"

Replied the barkeep, and with one swift movement he pushed the first man out of the silent door- his scream cascading down the abyss.

"And don't come back!"

The barkeep shut the door, took up the ale and poured them on his head, screeching like a parrot, the rub lived on in his memory but scalded...

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
> "Hello".
> "Mrs. Ward, please."
> "Speaking."
>
> "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical
> Testing Laboratory.
>
> When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the
> lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward
> arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one
> is your husband's. Frankly the results are either
> bad or terrible."
>
> "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
>
> "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
> Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
> AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
>
> "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
> questioned Mrs. Ward.
>
> "Normally yes we can, but Medicare will only pay for
> these expensive tests one time."
>
> "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>
> "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

How does a Welshman find his sheep in long grass?

Irresistable.

Tommy Cooper jokes

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.