NationStates Jolt Archive

Here's the premise: American conservative christians, in an attempt to validate their beliefs, fund a secret military project to send a team back in time to ask Jesus what he thinks about gay marriage and secret wiretapping.

When the Chrononauts arrive, they are approached by a short, swarthy dark "foreign looking" man in a robe and sandals. Fearing a suicide bomber, they open fire, killing Jesus in a hail of 5.56mm, two grenades, and a knife thrown in panic.

Realizing their mistake, they send a message to the future, which is undergoing massive timequakes as a result of the "friendly Christfire incident".

Its decided to quickly choose a "Replacement Messiah". Launching a new reality show called "Plan B", the U.S. goverment seeks open auditions, "American Idol" style, to find a new Jesus to send back as a replacement.

So, contestant #1?

Uhm, me?
I step up and dust off my sandals.
*ahem* me .... me ... mah ... me ...
"Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?'
i sing, falling to one knee.
The judges, perhaps taken aback, don't notice me switching their water for wine, and i dose them up good.
And, upon further thought, i instead of waiting for their decision, take advantage of them, every one, while they're drunk on holy Pinot Noir. Strangely enough, they feel "cleansed" afterwards! (and no more "Dr. Frankenfurter" nicknames!)

Uhm, me?
I step up and dust off my sandals.
*ahem* me .... me ... mah ... me ...
"Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?'
i sing, falling to one knee.
The judges, perhaps taken aback, don't notice me switching their water for wine, and i dose them up good.
And, upon further thought, i instead of waiting for their decision, take advantage of them, every one, while they're drunk on holy Pinot Noir. Strangely enough, they feel "cleansed" afterwards! (and no more "Dr. Frankenfurter" nicknames!)

Randy Jackson: You're all heart, dawg. I feel you.

Paula Abdul: I loved it. You're unique. What's that taste in my mouth?

Simon: It was awful. Dreadful. Worst yet. You shouldn't be the Son of Man, you should be singing at the bus station for half-empty bottles of fortified wine. What's that taste in my mouth?

Colin Farrel.

Pros: From the UK (like the original jesus); Poor personal hygene.

Cons: Irish.

*walks in wearing a halter top, cowboy hat, boots and cut off jean shorts.*

Hey y'all. I'm from Texas, ya know..God's country...and I'm here to be the next Jesus.....yeeeehaawwww!! Since the presidents from Texas an' all, well heck, I reckon I thought the next Jesus should be from there. Dont matter that I'm a woman does it now? )

*spits tobacco juice in the floor*

Randy Jackson: You're all heart, dawg. I feel you.

Paula Abdul: I loved it. You're unique. What's that taste in my mouth?

Simon: It was awful. Dreadful. Worst yet. You shouldn't be the Son of Man, you should be singing at the bus station for half-empty bottles of fortified wine. What's that taste in my mouth?


LMAO...

Randy Jackson: You're all heart, dawg. I feel you.

Paula Abdul: I loved it. You're unique. What's that taste in my mouth?

Simon: It was awful. Dreadful. Worst yet. You shouldn't be the Son of Man, you should be singing at the bus station for half-empty bottles of fortified wine. What's that taste in my mouth?
So that's it?
Fret my hour, split a tapestry, commit a new covenant, even FORGET I'm A GOD for a few seconds so i can share my pain?
Bah, the Romans were a bloody better audience! Pfft! You and the fig tree know where you can (and i already did) stick it!
And, the answer is, RANDY JACKSON!
It is done.
*stomps off in a huff*

me.


http://www.myspace.com/henryisjesus

I'm sending the Dalai Lama.
I don't care if he's not American. He's going.
Best representative of humanity that I can think of in present day, anyway. :)

I would get up on stage, and tell some random parable or something.
And, because I am the reincarnation of the dead Jesus 2000 years ago, I win by a miracle. I would then go back in time and replace my dead original self. And god would be slightly less pissed off.

As far as NSers go, I think CTOAN and Keruvalia are great replacements.

As far as NSers go, I think CTOAN and Keruvalia are great replacements.
What, with their obvious piety, or their ability to dress nattily AND topically?

How bout we make a remake of one of the Jesus films and have Fass play Jesus. Can you imagine?



Straughn: why does it always say youre offline? It messes me up.

Colin Farrel.

Pros: From the UK (like the original jesus); Poor personal hygene.

Cons: Irish.

Revised Gospels of Mathew, Mark, Luke and John now include the phrases

"Wow, the master sure does get a lot of tail..."

"Is Jesus using hair gel?"

"Um, the Lord just called the Pharisees "a bunch of ballacks". What's a ballack?"

Best representative of humanity that I can think of in present day, anyway. :)
The best representative of humanity is a bat-shit insane cult leader convinced that he is the human reincarnation of another cult leader who was convinced that he was the human reincarnation of the earlier leader who was . . .
And then he decided to give New Orleans victims a speech on Karma, basically telling them they deserved it, after the disaster?

No, I'm going back. I'll be a much better Jesus, none of this "compassion for all" nonsense and certainly no "sell all you have." I would tell them to live their own lives, and show the people that being powerful is nothing to be ashamed of their success
Hell, as the hier to a wealthy, absolutist autocrat who demands unconditional following, Jesus is hardly one to judge others for owning one too many goats.

*walks in wearing a halter top, cowboy hat, boots and cut off jean shorts.*

Hey y'all. I'm from Texas, ya know..God's country...and I'm here to be the next Jesus.....yeeeehaawwww!! Since the presidents from Texas an' all, well heck, I reckon I thought the next Jesus should be from there. Dont matter that I'm a woman does it now? )

*spits tobacco juice in the floor*

from Paul's Letter to the Ephesians

"and Jesus told them, Shee-it and tarnation, ya'll, cut the sinnin' lest I quit my grinnin', you packa nerve-wrackin' shit birds"

I'm sending the Dalai Lama.
I don't care if he's not American. He's going.
Best representative of humanity that I can think of in present day, anyway. :)

Well, that would put the homophobia question to bed once and for all.

from Paul's Letter to the Ephesians

"and Jesus told them, Shee-it and tarnation, ya'll, cut the sinnin' lest I quit my grinnin', you packa nerve-wrackin' shit birds"


LOL....thats hilarious.

Well, that would put the homophobia question to bed once and for all.

Jesus of Nazareth, the Christ and Son of God, held a press conference today:

Jesus: Thank you all for coming. The pain and conflict of this issue have gone on long enough. Let me just say, now and for time without end, I have no problem with gay people. In fact, my apostle Peter is gay.

Peter: What?

Jesus: That's right. He's my good friend and a respected apostle, and he's gay.

Peter: I'm not gay.

Jesus: Well...c'mon, dude. Its okay, we all know.

Peter: But I'm not gay. Seriously, why would you say that?

Jesus: Well...I mean, you know. C'mon. Its no big deal, I just said it was okay.

Peter: I'm not saying its not okay, I'm just saying I'm not gay. And I'm not. I like girls.

Jesus: I've never seen you with a girl.

Peter: Well, fuck, man we've been touring the country doing your "messiah" thing, when I am I supposed to have gotten a girl?

Jesus: Alright, come down....it's fine. You are gay, though.

I nominate me. I promise to kill Paul before he co ops the bible.

I nominate me. I promise to kill Paul before he co ops the bible.

Heh...

"And Saul, on the road to Tarsus, was struck from his horse by a flash of light..

And then struck again by a crowbar."

How bout we make a remake of one of the Jesus films and have Fass play Jesus. Can you imagine?



Straughn: why does it always say youre offline? It messes me up.
Because i'm a ghost. It's been a little weird since they switched servers. *shrug*

Oh ... about Fass ... that'd be awesome. Except for the whole humility thing, and the part where he says that thing about his body being the bread ... :D

Saint: you should do some work here in your spare time...

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=427598

Saint: you should do some work here in your spare time...

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=427598

Hee, hee. That's a good link.

Revised Gospels of Mathew, Mark, Luke and John now include the phrases

"Wow, the master sure does get a lot of tail..."

"Is Jesus using hair gel?"

"Um, the Lord just called the Pharisees "a bunch of ballacks". What's a ballack?"
Not "ballack", "Brokeback". Another mistranslation (therefore another denomination). *grrr*

And it happened that Lots wife turned into a pillar of salt as she looked back at the Brokebacks.

Heh...

"And Saul, on the road to Tarsus, was struck from his horse by a flash of light..

And then struck again by a crowbar."

:p

Ahem. :cool:

this should end all problems. . . . . .












[waits for bowing]
[realizes NS name]
[waits]
[waits]

http://www.greyphoenix.biz/Parties/Patricks/Thumbnails/tn_IMG_7896.jpg
http://images.faces.com/io/867748.jpg
need i show more?

Well, if there was a way to bring John Lennon back from the dead, I'd go with him...

There can be only one choice for a replacement...

http://www.tvsquad.com/images/2005/10/stewie.jpg
HIM!

Well I'm a patriotic American, just like Jesus.

Uh, do I have to go through with the whole crucifiction thing? If so I'll pass.

I suggest we send back a black lesbian witch to get all those tolerance bases covered for the future.

Okay then....
*drives onto stage in quad, skids throwing mud over judges. Jumps off with several summersaults.* Rite den, you bastards are going to listen up, I'm your new Jesus,. no arguemnts! Okay. I preach peace, lvoe and socalism! *Pulls out gun and takes aim....*

Here's the premise: American conservative christians, in an attempt to validate their beliefs, fund a secret military project to send a team back in time to ask Jesus what he thinks about gay marriage and secret wiretapping.

When the Chrononauts arrive, they are approached by a short, swarthy dark "foreign looking" man in a robe and sandals. Fearing a suicide bomber, they open fire, killing Jesus in a hail of 5.56mm, two grenades, and a knife thrown in panic.

Realizing their mistake, they send a message to the future, which is undergoing massive timequakes as a result of the "friendly Christfire incident".

Its decided to quickly choose a "Replacement Messiah". Launching a new reality show called "Plan B", the U.S. goverment seeks open auditions, "American Idol" style, to find a new Jesus to send back as a replacement.

So, contestant #1?
Wh needs a Replacement Jesus? Most of "Christianity" was made up by Paul anyway. As long as Paul does his thing, you will still get somthing that resembles christianity.

Uh, do I have to go through with the whole crucifiction thing? If so I'll pass.
You could always slip Judas a ruffey on the night in question and go to a different garden party.

Ahem. :cool:
:D Winner:p

Wh needs a Replacement Jesus? Most of "Christianity" was made up by Paul anyway. As long as Paul does his thing, you will still get somthing that resembles christianity.

Somebody already punched Paul's ticket earlier in the thread. It was messy, but the horse wasn't harmed.

I suggest we send back a black lesbian witch to get all those tolerance bases covered for the future.

Black lesbian witch born in Judea...Whoopi Goldberg? I don't know if she practices any kind of witchcraft, maybe we could drop her by the Learning Annex first...

Somebody already punched Paul's ticket earlier in the thread. It was messy, but the horse wasn't harmed.
Well, if the Horse wasn't harmed, then the Horse's Ass must have survived ... probably with a concussion and temporary blindness.

this should end all problems. . . . . .












[waits for bowing]
[realizes NS name]
[waits]
[waits]
*off to the side of the stage cursing at a fig tree, to the bewilderment of followers ... halts, and offers this*

"Needs more cowbell."

I would pick....

JESUS, LOL!

Time Paradox much?

I would pick....

JESUS, LOL!

Time Paradox much?:rolleyes:
Uhm, it's not really any more-or-less consistent than any of the other tenets of the religion, to be sure. *shrugs*
The sick thing is, on this forum, he's a sure loser. *nods*
I'd still hang out with him, though (easy target)

*off to the side of the stage cursing at a fig tree, to the bewilderment of followers ... halts, and offers this*

"Needs more cowbell."

I may be the Son of God, but I put my pants on one leg at a time, same as anybody else. The only difference is, once there on, I make Gold Records.

-Straughn of Nazareth, Messiah Pro Tem

I may be the Son of God, but I put my pants on one leg at a time, same as anybody else. The only difference is, once there on, I make Gold Records.

-Straughn of Nazareth, Messiah Pro Tem
WooT!!!
I don't mind the fame. I mind the remixes and the bastardly samples. *nods*